Sunday, December 13, 2009

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: God hates girls only trips.

Is it just me, or was this week's journey into the bowels of hell actually kind of enjoyable? I mean, we got to see Lynne get sliced and diced, Gretchen actually making some salient points, and the further disintegration of Tamra's marraige. All in all, pretty good!

We begin as we did last week, with Vicki and her long-suffering daughter Brianna. However, this time, instead of trying to slip Brianna a roofie and getting her pregnant with some loser's seed, Vicki and daughter are out shopping for a ring for Don. The jeweler they go to is kind of awesome, if only because she called Vicki a bitch. Porky Patterson interviews that when they got married, she didn't have the money to buy Don somethin real nice, so she wants to make it up to him now. So, she buys him a gold ring with 3 princess cut diamonds in it. Which, like, is sweet and all, but seems kind of emasculating. Men's jewelry has always struck me as really bizarre because guys have to try and make an inherently feminine thing look all hard and edgy so they don't look gay by flashing off their princess cut diamonds. Anyway, weird. I like to think when Vicki gives Don the new ring, he'll go all Alexis on her and queen out about how awesome it is ("Vicki! This is sick! I love it! It's sick!").

Speaking of that terrible be-titted monster, next up is Alexis, who is busy taking her toddler-aged daughters for thier first mani-pedis. (Aside: I've just noticed one of these little monsters is named Melania, a name Theresa on RHONJ also named one of her daughters. I'm assuming both women named their daughters after Donald Trump's mail order bride, which, if true, is a great example to set for their children.) The kids throw complete tantrums because, you know, babies hate having their hands and toes prodded and painted by strange women. After a noble effort by the poor nail salon employees, Alexis scoops her kids up and tosses them into the back of her stupid car, where off camera she sobs quietly about the chamber of horrors that her life has turned into. Or at least, I imagine she does.

Moving on to Lynne, who is getting a new face bolted over her old one. She's brought over by her broken-souled husband, who is bankrolling this bizarre surgery even though they can't afford it and she doesn't need it. After signing her life away, Lynne is pumped full of drugs and gets real loopy. Loopier even than that one time where she ate a whole tray of weed brownies with her friend Scooter in the 70's and had tea with Jesus. Eventually she passes out, and the doctor proceeds to cut off her face.

While that happens, Lynne's husband returns with daughter Raquel, who also has an appointment to have her face filed down. Instead of a face lift though, Raquel will be getting a new nose. She interviews that a while ago she broke her nose, and it hasn't been the same since, which I call bullshit on. I'm so sick of people saying they are getting nose jobs because of some fake medical reason. No, you are not getting a nose job because of your deviated septum, you are getting one because you want a tiny button nose, Heidi Montag. Similarly, I doubt this dubious broken-nose claim.

Anyway, after the doctor pulls out a chisel and hammer and breaks Raquel's nose (literally, that's what he does), we head over to Vicki's house, where she is furiously typing up "work." Something about the way she does this makes me think that she's just fast typing to look busy. Like, seriously, if you looked at her screen it probably just says "sdjaklxaslkkfjc;kl;fajkln;/j" or something. She takes time out of her very important business work to speak with Tamra about the upcoming Florida trip Vicki is planning. Vicki says that she wants it to be a girls trip, but Tamra says she'll have to check with Simon first, because they don't really travel separately ever, which Vicki does not like one bit. Do I sense a dramatic plot arc? Yes!

Next, we head over to Saddleback Community College, where Gretchen and Slade are taking motorcycle driving class so Gretchen can get a license to drive that ridiculous motorbike Jeff bought her last season (you know, her happiest memory of him). I wasn't aware you could have a motorcycle registered in your name but not be legally able to drive it. Interesting.

Anyway, the two of them act like idiots during class and look really obnoxious. Gretchen says it's because she's a "class clown," but I think it's because that's how she gets dudes, by acting "goofy." She's totally the Cameron Diaz type who is like "Nah, I'm a total tomboy! See, I fart! Look at me in this bikini!" Whatever, they both pass, which means Gretchen can drive her big stupid Harley around and give old men boners.

Moving on! In order to better bond and get to know each other (read: get more camera time so they can get more money to subsidize their ridiculous lifestyles), OC husbands Simon (Tamra's), Jim (Alexis's), and Don (Vicki's) all go golfing together. They lazily thwack balls around the green and perform horribly, especially big fat pile Jim, who smokes cigar after cigar and almost crashes his golf cart.

After the end of their horrible game, the men head to the clubhouse for some brewskis and gnarly dude talk. They talk about the economy, and Jim says something trite about how it's made him realize how much shit he's got that he doesn't need. This prompts Simon to make an idiotic statement about how it's "slapped us back to the 50's" where things were simpler, which makes no sense. Nothing about their lives is simple or like the 50's at all, except for maybe their desire to own their wives.

Jim brings up the Florida trip which Don says they weren't invited to, since it's a "girls trip." This doesn't go over too well with Jim or Simon, who both say that they have a rule where they never travel without their spouses. Again, I call bullshit. You know that both of them travel without their wives all the time. I think it's more that they are terrible monsters who think their wives are their property and want to control every aspect of their lives. This, however, makes Don and Vicki's relationship look downright healthy. They both express shock at how "different" Don and Vicki's relationship is because he "lets Vicki travel without him." Ugh, terrible.

Next up, it's time for lunch with Gretchen and Alexis, who somehow managed to escape her cage. After an uncomfortable part where their waiter offers them "cougar cocktails," the ladies move on to talk about the Florida trip. Alexis says she has the "best marriage in the world," so why would she want to go on a trip without her husband. She chalks this up to them being very traditional and "godly," and believe in traditional principles and gender roles. She says she even trusts her husband to be naked on a boat with Gretchen, which seems so oddly specific that it makes me think Alexis has actually been naked on a boat at some point. Or she at least views this as a very sexy situation. Gretchen interviews that it's weird that Alexis puts on this whole godly act sincee she parades around with her gigantic boobs out all the time. Point, Gretchen!

Seriously though, there's something so infuriating about people who claim to be very Christian and moral, but then parade around dressed like pornstars and act like complete monsters. And OC seems to be full of them. Nuke them, I say!

After an intense segment in which Tamra and Simon argue about Ryan, and an even more intense segment involving Alexis getting botox, we head back to Dr. Facecutty's office to check in on Lynne. Our girl emerges from a room with her head all bandaged and babushka'd. The doctor unwraps the bandages, and everyone says how good Lynne looks and what a success the surgery was. Which, yes, it is a success, if the goal was to have her look like Katherine Helmond in Brazil. A few minutes later, Raquel shows up with her shnoz all bandaged up, and Lynne tells her how pretty she looks, though in her confessional Raquel basically looks the same as she always did. Lynne does look a little less freakish once her face has settled though.

Later, Tamra puts on her real estate agent shoes and shows a house. She keeps saying how much she misses the industry and how she loves it, and how they have no money, and the whole scene is just very sad.

That night, Vicki and Don have an awkward dinner date to get Vicki's love tank a-boilin. It is cute that they're making an effort, even if the conversation is stilted and they don't seem to have much in common. While at dinner, Don brings up the conversation at the golf course, specifically about how Simon said the Gunvalson's relationship is not normal. Miss Piggy is none too pleased by this or the fact that Simon and Jim will be joining them in Florida. She also mentions that she and Simon have been having a conflict lately. This trip should be interestiiiiiing.

In the final scene, Gretchen and Tamra meet to bury the hatchet before the upcoming trip. However, they fail miserably, because Tamra refuses to admit any wrongdoing and she tells Gretchen that they won't be friends until Gretchen takes down some blog post she wrote about Tamra. This woman is in her 40's. And getting upset over Facebook wall posts and blogs. Jesus Christ on a cross.

That's all she wrote this week! They did a lot of setting up for next week's Florida episode, so it should be a doozie. The preview promises a surprise Slade visit, a slurry Vicki giving Gretchen shit, and a confrontation between Vicks and Tams about Simon. Exciting!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Wigs baby! Wigs!

And we're back! After Bravo subjected us to a week of no housewives, totally missing the opportunity for a Very Special OC Thanksgiving, the ladies have returned. This week, they deal with serious issues like creepy matchmaking, parent-child miscommunication, prison, and custom made necklaces to be dangled between one's clown tits. Learning!

The curtain rises on Vicki, who is concocting a very complicated scheme to fly out some piggish man-baby named Chris from Indiana in hopes of setting him up with Brianna, acting like some sort of orange-hued gentile Yente. The newly single Brianna (whom Colby left for a 17 year old! Escandalo!), is suprisingly ok with her mom setting her up on a weekend long date with a stranger she has never met.

While that elaborate courting ritual is going on, Gretchen flies out to Michigan to visit Jeff's kids, which is actually pretty touching. The kids seem to genuinely like her, which goes against all the "she's a gold digging prostitution whore" allegations that Tamra is belching out of her piehole. They all have a chat, and the son shows Gretchen the new photo-realistic tattoo of his father he got, placed squarely on his back. That kid had better not turn out to be gay. And if he does, he better be a top, if you know what I mean. Nothing worse than looking down during coitus and seeing some dude's dead father looking back at you. Shudder.

Back in OC, Vicki holds a BBQ to auction off Brianna's maidenhead. I mean, to welcome ChrisPig to the OC. A bunch of randos show up, along with Tamra and her brood. Later, her future-star-of-To-Catch-a-Predator son Ryan shows up to the BBQ. Apparently Tamra hasn't been seeing much of him lately because Simon has banned him from the house for driving Tamra's car without a license while they were in LA. Simon says all he wants is an apology. Over Facebook. Yeah. Facebook. Terrible.

Not that Ryan is that great either, mind you, as we see him later shotgunning beers in the pool with Vicki's impish son and some other random while his 4 year old sister aimlessly floats around nearby. While Simon stands like, 5 feet away, watching and saying nothing. Basically, I mean to say this family is horribly, HORRIBLY depressing. Next scene!

Mercifully, we move on to Alexis, who is stuck at the bottom of her pool, having been dragged there by the two sandbags bolted to her chest she tries to pass off as breasts. Just kidding, she and her creeper husband are going out to a nice dinner. Alexis interviews that she and her husband are "best friends," even though to me it seems like their relationship is more master and servant than friends, but whatever. She says that he has never changed a diaper or helped her with any of the home tasks, but she doesn't mind because "he's my king."

After I finish vomiting and unpause the DVR, the two proceed with their meal. Creeper husband lights a cigar and tucks into a gigantic pile of cocktail shrimp while belittling Alexis and asking her if she worked out today. He goes on to give her a big stupid diamond necklace to dangle in her cleavange and she fawns like a child. She interviews that she is living the fantasy life she dreamed about as a little girl. Really? You dreamed that you'd be starving yourself and maintaining a breakneck workout schedule so you could play house with some Larry the Cable Guy lookalike? Congrats.

Over at Lynne's new modernist Laguna Beach cube, she, her world-weary husband, and two demon spawn have a sit down to talk about their issues. Apparently, the two teens have been "lashing out," so Lynne has called in "Youthologist" Vanessa Van Petten to set the girls straight. Lynne assures the skeptical girls that Vanessa is "cool" and "with it," sounding like Amy Poehler's Cool Mom from Mean Girls.

It appears Vanessa wrote some stupid book about parenting like a child, which somehow makes her qualified to counsel families. She has a sit down with each of the girls as well as the parents, and in the end they come to a "breakthrough" that basically boils down to them needing to talk more and not be beer ho's. Did you feel the earth move? We also learn that Lynne used to do hash brownies, which I would have LOVED to have seen

After a sad scene where Gretchen visits Jeff's gravesite with his kids, we go back to Vicki, who is taking everyone out to dinner to bid farewell to Christopher McPigglesworth as he heads home to far-off Indiana. He politely interviews that he had a good time, and Brianna interviews that the whole thing was terribly awkward and she hated it and she'd never do it again. So that went well.

And now it's time for the final, and perhaps most bizarre segment in RHOC history. In order to blow off some steam and cut loose, Tamra decides to have a bunch of ladies over to play some "Wigged-out Housewife Bunko," in which a bunch of beef jerky people come over, inexplicably wearing wigs, to play some sort of elaborate thinly-veiled excuse to do tequila shots. They should have just played a game of King's, it would have been way faster. Blasts from the past Tammy and Meltybeast Quinn show up as well, which was fun.

Once the game is explained, the ladies proceed to throw dice and scream like monkeys until one of them rolls the right number, after which they take a shot. Alexis gets super competitive and weird, and Tammy gets really slurry and calls Tamra "a bitch, but a fun bitch. Ahluvver." Soon the game ends, and the ladies all presumably drunk-drive home, careening off into the OC night, running into mansions and manservants alike.

The next day, Tamra meets with Ryan at a Mexican restaurant because he's got something imporant to tell her. After some small talk about his foot (which he broke jumping off a tour bus while drunk), and after he orders a Patron shot and a Corona (stay classy!), Ryan tells his mom that he'll be going to jail. See, apparently he was supposed to do community service for his driving offense, but he decided to change it to jail time, since he is a lazy nogoodnik. He's totally all "Whatever, it's just prison. NBD." Tamra gives a painful interview about how much guilt she has, and how she would love to see Ryan succeed at something, and it's obvious that she's keenly aware of the horrible job she did raising him. Sad.

And with that downer of an ending, this week's chapter comes to a close. They seem to be really upping the crazy with his episode, so let's hope it sticks. Next week it appears Tamra and Gretchen have a no doubt heavily-edited smackdown. Could be fun?

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: In which the ladies send Jeana off on an iceberg to the great frigid beyond.

This week's RHOC was an especially challenging one, as we had to say goodbye to that great, puffy, pilly housewife who has captured all of our hearts. Yes, Jeana Keough said adieu to all the other vicious OC robo-skanks this week, and I think I speak for all of us when I say she will be sorely missed.

But! Before she headed off to the great whole-bottle wine glass in the sky, we had a whole, gigantic, eventful episode!

We begin with Gretchen and her depressing man-child beau Slade heading off to Scottsdale, Arizona (perhaps one of our nation's worst states) to attend some nebulous party that a "friend" was having. The two check in to a whimiscally titled hotel who's name I forget, though I think it had "Ho" in the title ("Don Ho Inn?" "You Are a Gigantic Ho Suites?" "Broke Down Nasty-ass Skank Ho Bed and Breakfast?" I forget). It was one of those hotels that used to be really gross and then some company bought it and rehabilitated it to make it seem throwbacky and "kitsch," but it still winds up looking just sleazy and gross. 50 years of urine and hooker blood can't be washed away with a fresh coat of paint, everyone.

Anyway! Gretch'n'Slade go down to the pool and have a heart to heart about how in love they are. Slade tells Gretchen that he wants to spend his life with her and he wants to have kids with her, adorably telling her that she makes him want to have his vasectomy reversed and get genetic testing to make sure they're "compatible in that way." Awwwwwwww. I wish someone would get ball surgery and test themselves to make sure our babies aren't genetic freaks for me! And they say romance is dead. Regardless, just looking at Slade's track record with fatherhood, I'd recommend Gretchen stay away from putting his seed anywhere near her eggs.

Back in the OC, Tamra pays a surprise visit to Jeana, explaining in an awful voiceover that she wants to see why Jeana is skipping out on the big La Perla lingerie party she's planning. The two have a few minutes of stilted conversation about Jeana's impending divorce before Jeana tells Tamra that she's just over all the housewives, and all her kids will be home, so she doesn't want to go. Also, I suspect it's because she'd rather not wear panties on camera, but that's just a guess.

Although it's hard to read emotion on Tamra's outrageously over-botoxed face, it appears that she isn't very happy about this. This is confirmed when she interviews that "Jeana is the type of girl who will fart in a room and then walk away and say 'who did that?'" This kind of makes sense, sorta? Maybe? It seems to me if Tamra is trying to seem classier this season, maybe she should start by not using fart metaphors. Just a thought.

Next, it's over to the home of newest addition Alexissss (I add the extra s's because she seems like she'd say her name that way when she's mad. Bitch.). Alexissss interviews that she's a stay at home mom, and since her husband doesn't want her to work, she just chooses to focus on being the best wife and mother she can be. Obviously, she has a lot of work to do, since she has several nannies on staff to take care of her kids, giving her some much needed time to frenziedly work out and pump gallons of saline into her clown tits. Seriously, those things are outrageously big. If you look up "clown tits" in the dictionary, hers will show up as an example.

Anyway, after our introduction to Alexissss Clown Tits, we get to meet her equally awful husband. He interviews that their family is very "traditional" in their values, saying that God comes first, the marriage comes second, and the kids come third. Aren't you supposed to say kids come before marriage? You know, precious gifts, innocent little souls yadda yadda yadda. I guess kids aren't part of the God-Clowntits-Creeper husband threeway. God these people are awful.

After that quick glimpse at what hell looks like, we head over to Vicki's Pig Plantation where she and Jeana have a chat about Jeana's skipping of the La Perla "party." The two both interview about how their friendship has completely deteriorated, and they both basically hate eachother. Jeana says she's tired of "mean girls," and is ready to move on. They go on to have superficial conversation and act like they're still friends, but it's obvious this isn't the case.

Also, did anyone else notice how every single one of these women has a ceramic chicken in their kitchen? Seriously, what's up with that? The only people I knew in high school who had ceramic chickens in their kitchen all had terrible pill-popping boozy moms. I feel like ceramic chickens in a kitchen are some sort of coded symbol for "I'm a horrible superficial bitch." Yes?

Off in the desolate Arizona wastelands, Gretch'n'Slade head off to their friend of friend's pink and white themed party at some bar called Barcelona in the middle of a strip mall. The party is one of those knockoff P. Diddy-style parties that one used to see all the time on shows like this before the whole world ended, but now seem kind of sad and irresponsible. The party also has some "burlesque" dancers that I suspect are actually run of the mill strippers wearing pasties and carrying feather fans. I was clued off when the burlesque ladies started doing a very classy, old-timey ping pong show. Gretchen gets way too drunk and starts working the pole with the strippers. The next day she is hungover, but doesn't seem too embarrassed, so good for her.

The next day, Alexissss Clown Tits and her husband, along with their nanny and kids, go over to Tamra's for a BBQ, Tamra and Simon's hatred for one another has reached a fever pitch, and now they are screaming at each other over basically everything. I would say watching a marriage dissolve in front of my eyes was depressing, but that would be a lie. Pass the popcorn!

Anyway, Alexissss Clown Tits (lets just call her ACT for short) squeezes her ridiculous bosoms into a tiny bikini, and Tamra interviews about how jealous she is of her body. She won't be jealous in 20 years when ACT's back is bowed like a proud Indian's weapon of choice. ACT flashes her gigantic ring to Tamra and her gay, who is also present, and Tamra asks the gay if he's jealous. Of course he is, because you OC terribles took away his right to marry. Assholes.

On to Lynne's house, where she and her family are packing up their rented home and moving on. Lynne says they're leaving because their lease was up and they decided it was a good time to downsize. However, according to the interwebs, Lynne and her family were evicted from their home because of failure to pay. Lynne's husband tells us that he made some poor real estate decisions, and got "creamed." Sad.

After a brief scene of Gretchen and ACT going to spin class, where nothing of note happens except that Gretchen says that stationary bikes hurt your cooter, we move on to the big La Perla partyyyyyyyyy. The store is in the middle of a mall, and seems a little cramped. Maybe it's just the way it photographs, because I know La Perla is expensive and fancy and all, but the store doesn't look very classy to me. Gretchen and Slade arrive first, and after being greeted by scantily clad models and ambiguously-accented store clerks, they head back to the dressing rooms to try on clothes. Lynne brings her daughter, which is a little depressing being as Alexa is only 16. ACT and her creeper husband arrive, but she refuses to actually try on the lingerie. Her husband interviews that it's because putting on panties in front of other men is "not our reality," which sounds like creepy Scientologist-speak to me. Seriously, this guy is really uncomfortably controlling of his wife. Tamra saliently mentions that Alexis didn't have a problem when she wore her tiny bikini for the cameras the other day. Good point. Anyway, point is I HATE THE NEW HOUSEWIFE.

While all that mess is going on, Jeana has her kids over for a BBQ, and it's actually kind of cute. Granted, all three are kind of horrible, but they seem to genuinely like one another, and compared to some of the other OC kids, they have pretty good heads on their shoulders. And Shane is still very gay looking.

Back at La Perla, Porky Romano arrives and upon meeting ACT, proclaims "welcome to my world!" So down to earth, that Vicki. She says she's late because she was "working," doing all kinds of business. She and Lisa Wu Hartwell need to chat, because they both clearly could learn a lot about being businesswomen from planet business from one another.

Another notable thing about the La Perla visit was the really bizarre tiny Asian saleswoman, who tried to sell Simon a thong. Loved her. Besides that, the ladies generally get along at the store, so nothing else too exciting happens.

We return to Jeana's house, where she thoughtfully cleans up her house, tossing bowls in random drawers and throwing trash in different cupboards. After a pregnant pause, Jeana switches off her kitchen lights, and we say goodbye.

For all her craziness and erratic behavior, I actually liked Jeana. She was the only housewife who I'd actually want to hang out with, and who seemed like a decent mother, and now she's gone. The remaining women, with the exception of maybe Gretchen, are all godawful, so I anticipate an even deeper descent into hell from this point on. Anyone else up for the challenge?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Welcome to Thunderdome.

Thank god! The "first ladies of Bravo" have returned, and what a world it is they've returned to. Gone are the spend spend spend days of last season, replaced by a world where they are all within inches of losing their homes and paper currency has been replaced by a barter system of leather cuffs and tequila in fancy bottles. Today's recap will be a two-parter covering episodes 1 and 2. Sorry for the delay, I had to wait for the radioactive hell-dust to settle.

Episode One: In which one lady tells another to shut the fuck up.

We start with Vicki going on a skydiving trip with her kids, complaining all the way about how she doesn't want to do this, and how she just wants to go home and work. Isn't it funny how Vicki says the word "work" when other people would say "sleep" or "relax?" It's like her brain is programmed to replace a normal word indicating pleasure with something indicating business. "Don really worked the business out of me last night! I executive vice presidented three times!" To me it comes off as a desperate attempt to convince everyone how much of a businesswoman she is. Hellza annoying.

Anyway, Vicki jumps out of an aeroplane, releasing high pitched pig squeals all the way. Unfortunately, she survives, and when she hits the ground she complains that she was so scared she couldn't even get her signiature "woohoo" right. I pictured Bravo making her do it over and over again so they could get the right woohoo. Oh man, that would have been great.

After that, we move on to check in with Jeana as she warms her hands over a hobo trashcan fire in the middle of her granite and marble kitchen. You see, these recessionary times have been very hard on Ms. Keough, and she says her income is down by 2/3 since she made her living off the now-non-existant OC luxury home market. She interviews that things have gotten so bad she may have to sell her dream house. Sad.

While Jeana warms up a can of pork'n'beans over a burning pile of her old Playboy spreads, Tamra is busy having an obnoxious red carpet/Oscar-themed end-of-stupid-kid-play party at her house for her daughter. The little future horribles sashay up the carpet while Tamra and her OC gay interview them about what they're wearing, which I begrudgingly found to be cute. Simon gets irrationally irate at Tamra after he hears her gay say the word "teabag" because he says it's vulgar. Teabagging should be acted out in the dark while your wife is sedated and tied up, not said aloud in the broad daylight!

Seriously though, this guy is a total douche. And am I the only one who thinks theres something a little Patrick Batemany about him? Like, I could totally picture him one day choking Tamra and hacking her up with an axe or something. Total creeper.

Anyway, the two fight, and it becomes painfully clear that their marriage is crumbling around them.

After Simon finishes beating Tamra with his belt, we pop over to check in on Gretchen. Not much of note happens here, except we're officially told she's dating depressing man-child Slade (even though that's been old news for a while). Their relationship would be cuter if I didn't know that Slade owed $80,000 in child support to his ex-wife to care for his terminally ill son. Kind of a downer.

Speaking of terminally ill, Gretchen also hilariously mentions that her fondest memory of Jeff was that time when he bought her that motorcycle. Which, by the way, he wasn't present for. So basically, her best memory of Jeff was that time where he had a really expensive gift sent to her.

On to Lynne, who is meeting with a dubious "sales rep" to help get her "line" of cuffs into fancy stores. She says that she's been busy busy with her line of leather goods, and she already has them in several stores, like Fred Siegal, assumingly referring to that one cuff that the store patronizingly allowed her to sell there when the ladies visited last season. Lynne says she's so busy that she's "turning into Vicki," a comment that I'm sure made Vicki turn red and start shooting steam out her ears.

Speaking of our pig-faced friend, we head back to her place where she helps hubby Don clean the patio while wearing what appears to be an Ed Hardy tube dress. Their relationship seems to be on the mend after she brutally evicerated him on camera last season. Apparently she vowed never to hurt him again, and says he is once again filling her love tank (read: vagina).

After she finishes hosing down her love tank on the patio, Vicki heads off to have lunch with Tamra where the two proceed to be total see you next tuesdays and talk all kinds of mad ish about Gretchen. Tamra mentions some lascivious pictures of Tamra in bed with a corded vibrator (paging Alex McCord), which Vicki reacts to in disgust. Regardless, the two of them seem kind of obsessed with her. Maybe they wish they were free enough to embrace Gretchen's be-corded Don Juan on camera too. Totes jealous.

After a boring scene of Lynne and Tamra working out, we go back to Gretchen's, where she addresses what she calls her "Britney Spears shave her head moment." You see, she was so distraught after Jeff's death that she went nuts and got drunk and took a bunch of inappropriate pictures in compromising situations. She says that she was in a bad place, and that she still misses Jeff all the time, showing us her kind of creepy shrine she's created with a bunch of pictures of Jeff and his urn. Apparently she sits in front of it every day to center herself, making it seem like she's created some sort of Jeff-worshipping cult. She says she thanks Jeff every day for bringing Slade into her life. Weird weird weird.

Anyway, next it's time for the ladies to all convene and take a looksie at Lynne's cuff and bikini lines at the St. Regis hotel. They all arrive and make really awkward and tense small talk as they check out the hideous accessories. Things come to a head at dinner, when Gretchen and Tamra hash out the she-said-she-said drama from last season. Jeana tries to calm them down but fails, and starts stress eating instead. Honestly, I don't really remember what was said back and forth, but I find it really annoying when Tamra gets all pearl clutchy and tries to act like she's all classy. Classy ladies don't have bowling ball-sized breasts and sun-damaged cleavage. Just sayin'. Anyway, they yell back and forth until Gretchen literally tells Tamra to shut the fuck up.

Episode Two: When in Rome, act like an asshole.

The fight was bizarrely split up into two episodes, even though the next episode just shows Tamra getting up and leaving. Bravo needs to stop trying to turn every housewife fight that happens into a two part event. Not everything is a Teresa table flip, Andy Cohen!

Anyway, the party ends anti-climactically and everyone goes home. The next day, Gretchen holds a tanning party and only invites people who are her "real friends," i.e. Lynne, her family, and a bunch of other randoms. Gretchen rehashes the fight with her mom, who comes off seeming totally reasonable and normal and not completely country bumpkinish the way a lot of the other housewives parents seem.

Lynne shows up with horrible daughter Alexa in tow, who asks if she can have a beer while Lynne does her best to act shocked, even though at home I'm sure she's like "Sure munchkin. Or, if you'd prefer I can mix you up some jungle juice instead." Gretchen interviews that she thinks Lynne should get the girls drinking under control, which is the understatement of the century.

Gretchen heads over to the tanning booth to get sprayed up, and after she finishes Lynne disrobes and gets some touch-ups on her disturbing baked chicken flesh as well. She has gretchen cover her nipples with her hands. Not joking.

Meanwhile, partners in asshole Vicki and Tamra get lunch and talk about the night before. Vicki assures Tamra she did nothing wrong, which makes me think that Tamra was blacked out when the fight happens. Tamra says that although the last few months have been rough, at least she got a best friend in Vicki out of it. Congrats?

After some small talk, Tamra drops the bomb that she and Simon will be selling their house because both of them ain't got no monayz, which is so satisfying it's ridiculous. Apparently Simon's fancy tequila business isn't going too well, and they can no longer afford the mortgage on their overpriced monstrosity of a McMansion.

On the topic of selling houses, we move on to Jeana, who is desperately trying to sell a 12 million (!) dollar house so she won't have to sell her's. Good luck with that, sister.

Back at Miss Piggy's Pork Palace, Vicki and Brianna are preparing for their upcoming trip to Italy to celebrate Brianna's graduation from nursing school. I've always marveled at how such a normal, level-headed, and nice child came from such a terrible womb like Vicki's. Joining them on their trip will be Vicki's alcoholic mother from Chicago, a fact that neither of them seem particularly thrilled about.

Over at Gretchen's, she and Slade have a garage sale in order to make ends meet. Ok, for real, this shit is getting grotesque. What's next? Selling your hair for wigs? Organ harvesting? Oh the humanity!

While Gretchen sells all her earthly posessions so that she can buy cat food to eat, Lynne and her other horrible daughter Raquel (seriously? Alexa? Raquel? It's like Lynne was reading "How to name your daughter after a haughty 80's bitch" while she was pregnant) head to the plastic surgeon's office for a consultation. Lynne would like a face and neck lift, and Raquel would like a nose job. Lynne "compliments" her daughter by saying she looks like a Playboy bunny (shudder), but says if it'll make her feel better, she's all for it. After the doctor's office, she heads off to accept her award for "Worst Mother in the History of the Universe."

We don't have to focus on Lynne's dismal child rearing skills for long though, as it's off to Italia with la famiglia Gunvalson. The women are whisked away from the airport in their "private coach" (read: family van) to their quaint Roman hotel. Vicki complains about the size of their room, and her mother says she wants to go home. What a bucket of rainbows, that broad.

After they settle in, it's time for a private tour of the city lead by a hilarious tour guide who sounds like the recording you hear when you make phone reservations at Buca di Beppo (anyone? anyone?). Vicki and Brianna seem pretty into it, but Grandma isn't having any of it.


VICKI: I think this is amazing!
GRANDMA: Well I don't. (storms off)


VICKI: (peers into spyhole) How amazing!
Grandma: (peers into spyhole) Stupid. (storms off)

Seriously, love her.

The ladies end their stay in Italy with a cringeworthy dinner full of miscommunication and confusion. On the way home, Vicki lets out an eardrum-bursting "WOOHOO" and tries to get Brianna to join in, but Brianna sharply counters "I will never do that!" Brianna FTW!

Back in the OC, we're introduced to new housewife Alexis as she and her husband go on a double date Tamra and Simon. Something about this new lady gives me the heebie jeebies. Maybs it's how she and her husband were all over eachother talking about how great their relationship is. It reminded me of that SNL sketch with Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan where they play the couple that keep dry humping eachother. Anyway, they talk about how in love they are and how they're a team, making oppressed and downtrodden Tamra green with envy.

The next day, Tamra and Simon meet with a realtor to discuss selling their house, which they apparently bought at the height of the market, so are selling it at a huge loss. Tamra puts on the waterworks and talks about how heartbreaking the situation, but I don't feel bad for at all because she is literally one of the worst people on the planet. Sars, Tamz.

And that's the first two eps! I don't know about you guys, but doesn't this season seem a little...joyless? Like, all the other housewives had recession problems too, but they weren't THIS bad. The whole thing seems a little perverse. Doesn't mean I won't watch though.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Sheree's chokehold on the fashion industry and NeNe's chokehold on Kim.

Time. It comes and goes as quickly as the daily wigs gracing Kim’s skull. It seems like only yesterday these ladies came back into our lives, and now they are leaving us again. Sigh…all is well that ends well. Except it didn’t end well. Not by a long shot.

Things in Atlanta are running at a frenzied pace as Sheree and Dwight make some last minute alterations to the She by Sheree “fashions.” Well, mainly Dwight micromanages and yells at people about seams needing to be pressed while Sheree looks aloof and mumbles into the phone to somebody about basketball tickets. For someone who claims this show is her baby, Sheree sure does seem to not give a shit about it. Maybe she’s just tired.

Over at the Wu-Hartwells, Lisa and Ed have some real talk about their finances. With Ed leaving football, he says that they’re going to have to downsize and move into one of their investment properties: specifically the house he lived in before they got married. Lisa seems a little nonplussed by this, but makes sure to mention over and over again that the smaller house is still a mansion. I see them totally pulling a Vicki and Don from OC and ditching that small house for their bigger one within a year.

While that’s going on, NeNe has some words with Gregg. See, Mr .Leakes is none too pleased that NeNe chose to meet her possible biological father Alan, a dude Gregg is pretty skeptical about. While I get that Gregg is worried about NeNe's feelings and that kind of stuff, I think he's being kind of unreasonable here. I mean, she just wants to meet her dad, it's not like she's promising to buy him a Bentley or anything. Yet... Ok, maybe he has a point.

Since apparently it's also Mother's Day in Atlanta, Kandi throws a big party with a bunch of people who are assumedly mothers or something. The party is very sweet, and Kandi's mom even takes AJ aside and makes amends, telling him that if Kandi's happy, then she's happy. The whole thing is very heartwarming, except that when you take into account the recent events with AJ's passing, it's actually kind of really sad.

Later, Kim has her gay stylist (who you'll remember from last season when he made that whore schoolgirl tube-top dress for her) over to gussy her up for Sheree's show. The two have wine in ridiculously long-stemmed glasses and talk about , who else, NeNe. Kim says NeNe is still pissed about not being a part of Tardy for the Party and won't let that shit go. The gay says something in his weird southern lilt about NeNe being jealous.

Next, Lisa and Ed go over to their potential new home to scope the place out. Ed has been using it as a storage facility so it doesn't look in tippy-top shape, but it still seems nice nonetheless. They keep talking about adding closets, new driveways, and a bunch of other gigantic renovations. Call me crazy, but doesn't doing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of renovations kind of defeat the purpose of downsizing your house to save money? Paging Suze Orman!

After a commercial break, it's time for a bizarre Rashomon-esque she-said-she-said involving Kim and NeNe. Apparently, off camera there was a big confrontation at Bow Wow's mom's boutique (which is always an awesome location for a knock-down-drag-out fight). Since we don't get to witness it first hand, we learn of the altercation from Kim relaying to Kandi and NeNe talking to Dwight (in his ridiculous evil puppet lair). According to Kim, NeNe ambushed her in the boutique and started screaming at her about the record. Then, allegedly, she put her hands around Kim's neck and started to choke her. Kandi sagely wonders in her interview what Kim did to warrant a choking. Love her.

On the flip side, NeNe says that Kim had her hands in her face and was screaming, and then Kim slapped NeNe's hands, and that's when she went NUTS! NeNe says that as a formerly abused woman, she'll never let anyone touch her again. She is a little ambiguous about what happened after that, which makes me think that she may have actually choked Kim after all, but we'll never know since they're both compulsive liars.

We're not allowed to dwell on that for too long, however, since finally, at long last, the event you've lost days of sleep over has arrived! The She. By. Sheree. Fashion. Show. We head over to the W, where things are approaching a fever pitch preparing for the big event. Well, mostly Dwight is just babbling about fashions and accessories like his usual puppet self, while Sheree worries about her hair. Seriously, she says she is going to leave the show the day of, three hours before show time, to get her hair did. Fortunately, Dwight convinces her this is a ridiculously stupid idea, and she stays.

Dwight makes some alterations on the dresses (since it turns out designs tailored for a muscular, possibly enlarged womanhood-sized body like Sheree's don't necessarily translate to model sizes), and works on the accessories. He goes big, since he says it's better to overkill than to underkill. I think this pretty much sums up Dwight's whole life philosophy in a nutshell. ALSO! Dwight says the show has to "shut it down." Do you think Bravo made him say this as some sort of RZP crossover? Does Rachel actually have a nationwide catchphrase? Amazing. Anyway, for all his bitchitude and assholiness, Dwight seems like he actually knows what he's doing, even if he is a horrible underminer.

While that tornado is going, a different sort of storm is brewing over at Kim's condo. Looks like NeNe is on her way over so the two can discuss the Showdown at Bow Wow's Mom's Corral, although I don't think anything good is going to come out of it, since both ladies attitudes are pretty much "fuck that bitch, she's crazy." But, they meet nonetheless, and basically resolve nothing. Kim maintains that NeNe choked her, and NeNe still says that it was Kim who laid her hands on her first, and Tajomaru still claims that he only fought and killed the samurai because the samurai's wife begged him to. Guess we'll never know the real story.

Anyway! Back at the W, it's time for the fashion show to start! All the who's who of Atlanta arrive one after the other looking very chic. Lisa shows up donning one of Kylie Minogue's tour castoffs, and the rest of the ladies look presentable enough, although Lisa definitely looks way more dressed up than anyone else at the show, and thus a little out of place.

NeNe is a total class act at the show, demanding an apology from Kandi (which is ridiculous since NeNe is clearly in the wrong on that one), and saying that she'd rather pluck out her toenails one by one than talk to Kim. So understated and refined, that one.

On to the show! The clothes all look good enough, though in my opinion kind of boring. However, Sheree puts forth a show that doesn't look terrible, and is actually wearable, so all in all I call it a success. Afterwards, everyone congratulates Sheree and says they want to wear her clothes. Kim particularly wants to wear the see-through silk shirt, and Sheree looks a little too excited at the prospect of seeing Kim's titties. Speaking of which, did anyone else notice Tania's absence at the show? Trouble in paradise perhaps?

So, that was that, end of season 2. Like the RZP, I'm a little disappointed by this season's offering. I mean, it made me like KIM for god's sake. Hopefully next season will be better. I'm excited for the reunion show, since apparently NeNe was none too pleased by how she was portrayed on the finale. Hopefully this translates to some sort of smackdown of Andy Cohen. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Anyway, this is me, signing off on season 2! Farewell ladies of the south, I hope we meet again soon. Stay tuned in two weeks, when we begin the new season of where it all began: the OC. From the previews, this season looks post-apocalyptically insane. Exciiiiiiiteeeeeed!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: The Life and Times of NeNe Leakes.

This week on the RHOA we took a journey into the psyche of Ms. Lennethia “NeNe” Leakes. Where did she come from? Where is she going? From what tiny, humble spore did the magnificent mushroom we now know grow from? All questions were answered.

But first! We open on Sheree and Kim as they meet to plan Kandi’s engagement party at (GASP!) the very same restaurant where this season’s infamous wig-shifting took place. Both ladies muse at how far they’ve come, and what tremendous fences they’ve mended. The two share a glass of wine, and Kim teases Sheree for doing “that fancy shit” with her wine (i.e. swirling and sniffing it), which we know from earlier episodes Kim is decidedly against. She says it’s because she “knows what she wants,” and clearly what she wants is a bottle of chardonnay down her gullet pronto.

After the wine and dialogue, the ladies go on a tour of the venue to see if it’ll be right for the party. Both ladies particularly like the upstairs patio: Sheree for its views, Kim because she can “have a cigarette up here!” They’ll take it!

While that’s going on, NeNe makes the arduous trek out to far off Athens, Georgia with Uncle Mel and her biographer in tow to show them her roots. Is it just me or does the fact that her hometown is called “Athens” give this whole trip a Homer-esque quality? Anyway, she shows them her humble beginnings in sleepy Athens, pointing out modest homes and “all these damn trees!”

After a brief driving tour, NeNe takes everyone to her mother’s house, explaining that her mother was really young when she had her, so NeNe was effectively raised by her Aunt Nell while her mother split her time between New York and Georgia. Up until now they had made it seem like NeNe came from a working-class background, but when we arrive at her mother’s former home, that shit is a mansion! Columns, brick, “fly doorbell,” the works. Who knew?

Back in the ATL, the first batch of pieces from the She by Sheree line have arrived, so Sheree has her friend who dines at the Y, Tania, over to check them out. Overall, they look great, and Tania remarks at how proud she is of her lov-ahem- her friend. Sheree tries on all the outfits, which have been designed according to her size since she views herself as perfectly proportioned. Sheree sashays and chantés around in the outfits while Tania platonically tells her how hot she is and admires her tiny waist.

Tania becomes incredulous after Sheree mentions she is having Dwight plan her show even though she’s never seen any of his work first hand. Tania demands that she call him and put him on speakerphone, which Sheree does. Dwight answers all “What?!” and is a huge, barely-lucid bitch. Such a grumpy puppet! The two have an awkward, unfriendly conversation that leaves Sheree with reservations about her decision to work with him. (Side note, whenever I type “Sheree,” my spell check always marks it as incorrect, and suggests “Sheeree” instead. What the fuck is a “sheeree?” Someone who’s just been shorn? Just thought I’d share. Or rather, just thought I’d sheeree.)

While that mess is going on, Kandi and AJ are heading to a dubious “Christian counselor” to meet with Kandi’s mother and hash out their issues. Kandi’s mom describes AJ as a truck that is on course to hit Kandi and destroy her, among other glowing analogies. So, obviously the conversation goes nowhere, and they leave feeling the same way they did coming in. Though, it is brought up that Kandi doesn’t want a pre-nup, which strikes me as a little risky, but whatever.

Later, Kim has be-heeled Tasmanian devil-bodied wigonista (and Dlisted Hot Slut of the Week) Derek J over to make her pretty for the engagement party. He surprises her by by bringing the prototype wig from her wig line with him and says he wants her to put it on. Outrageously, after cruelly teasing us with the promise of a wigless Kim on-screen, Bravo lets us down by panning to the floor as the creature is removed. We return to see her mannequin face nestled under a brand new wig, which admittedly looks much better and more real than her old mop.

Kim says that she likes to go through THIRTY WIGS A MONTH! One per day! Derek urges her to scale back, and maybe change her wigs once every couple weeks or so. Wig expert I am not, but even that seems mighty excessive. Anyway, Kim likes her new look, and literally screams into the mirror “GOD I LOOK SO GOOD! DAMN IT!!!!” like she is legitimately angered by her beauty. (Also, has anyone else noticed the nude portrait Kim has of herself in her bedroom? It looks like she is leaning over a motorcycle too. Stay classy!)

After Wigmania 1983, everyone heads to Kandi’s surprise party, which winds up being really sweet and fun. That is, until someone suggests to Kandi’s mom that she should do a toast, at which point things become really awkward and uncomfortable. Everybody squirms for a few minutes until she finally musters up a half-assed toast where she basically says “well, let’s wait and see.” This woman needs to simmer down.

Back in Athens (which in real time probably took place before the party), NeNe and her crew head over to her Aunt Nell’s house to show everyone where she was raised. Aunt Nell is supremely bizarre, with a nearly unintelligible falsetto voice and dark, drawn-in eyebrows. Now we know where NeNe gets her weird from. We’re shown kind of adorable pictures of NeNe when she was a child, as well as some of her looking very Toni Braxton-y in the mid 90’s. Such a chameleon, that one.

Next, Sheree has Dwight over to take a look at the sample pieces. He is predictably an asshole, sucking his teeth and saying “mmhmm” while critiquing all the items unnecessarily as if he has actual fashion training. He says Sheree has “no clue” what she’s doing in regard to style, but being as this is coming from someone who looks like Madame in a zoot suit, I’d take this with a grain of salt.

Across the Aegean in Athens, the crew leave Aunt Nell’s house and begin to head home, but as they’re leaving Uncle Mel gets a call from Alan, the mysterious man claiming he is NeNe’s father. He says he wants to meet, but doesn’t want them to come inside, and he doesn’t have much time. What a dick! “Hey, come over, but uh, yeah, stay outside, and I uh, got about 10 minutes.” Anyway, NeNe has a bit of a freakout but finally agrees. When she sees him, she audibly gasps because, in her words, he “looks a mess.” The dude seems kind of shady and not too friendly, but he says he’d like to meet with NeNe again one-on-one, when Uncle Mel (and presumably a Bravo film crew), aren’t around. NeNe looks a little disappointed as she says she’s willing to bet money that Alan is her father. Dramatic!

And so the stage is set for next week’s season finale, where it appears NeNe has a meltdown of Greek proportions. She fights with Gregg over meeting Alan, fights with Kandi at Sheree’s fashion show, and apparently chokes Kim for a yet-to-be-determined reason (YEEEEEEEEEEEEES!). So, basically, y’all should be excited.

Guys! Guys!

OMG! Real Housewife of New York/fabulous Muppet Jill Zarin is following me on Twitter! Unprompted! I've arrived!

I have no idea how she found me. I'd like to think it's because she secretly reads my blog, though I sincerely doubt that. Jill? Are you there?


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Rachel Zoe Recap: Jessica Stamz and Taylor dramz. The season comes to a close!

Physical! Physical! Come on and get physical! In a pair of Dior pumps and thigh high leggings. That was the theme of the shoot Rachel had to style for V magazine on this, the final episode of Season 2.

Rachel tells Brad that the concept is Olivia Newton-John “Physical” meets “Xanadu.” This, coupled with the fact that Brad is wearing impossibly tiny short shorts as she talks to him, makes this the gayest scene in RZP history. Hurray! Here is a trophy. Rachel says that Jessica Stam will be the model in the shoot, so looks like this may actually be a big time deal. Kadooz, Rachel!

Rachel talks to Brad about how she hasn’t been able to get in touch with Taylor, which segues to footage of Taylor driving her car and repeatedly ignoring Rachel’s calls while snorting and saying “ughhhhhhhhhhh.” Such a ray of sunshine, that one.

While Taylor is busy stealing all the presents in Whoville, Brad heads over to American Apparel to pick up some 80’s inspired workout gear. He’s greeted by an obnoxious hipster gay named Johnny, who some people who are as obsessed with TV as me may recognize from that one episode of “The Girls Next Door” when Kendra goes to the American Apparel factory to pick out shirts for the Playmate baseball team. Anybody? No? Ok, well, anyway, Johnny, who is like a cross between Paul Lynde and Leonardo DiCaprio’s character from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape,” shrilly gives Brad a tour and asks him to gay marry him, while Brad looks really uncomfortable. It’s a rare situation when Brad is the butchest person in the room, but this is the case here. Brad thanks Johnny for the clothes and quickly makes his exit as Johnny shouts “Shtupp my tuchus!” after him.

Back at the studio, it’s serious time! Taylor has finally mustered up enough courage to air her grievances with Rachel. They talk about the Paris issue, and Rachel reiterates that Brad should have stepped up, but Taylor says that she wanted Brad to go. She comes off as very level headed in this argument, and after Taylor threatens to leave, Rachel finally agrees to take her along to more branding opportunities and that sort of thing. So I guess Taylor succeeded?

(Before we move on, can I just say, Taylor’s demands are a little unreasonable. Like, it’s a company of 3 people. Of course when a new branding or moneymaking opportunity comes up it’ll be Rachel who’s mainly involved with it. It’s not like she’s working for some huge fashion house or anything. Reel in the expectations, girl.)

Anyway, as a peace offering Rachel takes Taylor to New York City to meet with a company she is partnering with to put out a fragrance. The ladies don their lab coats (why do people always have to wear lab coats when they play with fragrances?) and head into the “lab.” After sampling a few fecal perfumes with obnoxious names like “Hollywood,” Rachel finally picks a fragrance she likes for it’s earthy smell. Rachel tells everyone that she used to dunk herself in patchouli oil in college, which immediately makes me picture Rachel, nude in a candelit bathtub full of scented oils, hair adorned with daisies and ribbons, as a sitar plays softly in the background. Oh what I would give to see her in her crunchy phase…

After the sinister scent labs, it’s off to Pennsylvania to visit the QVC headquarters, which is decidedly not buh-nanas. The two are there to hawk Rachel’s line of faux fur vests, which are hideous. It was really enjoyable to see the QVC hostess try to sell the vests as if they weren’t horrible. Give that woman an Oscar! But whatevs, it makes Taylor and Rachel happy, so good for them.

They head back to LA where they have to jump back into planning the V shoot, which everyone is freaking out about because they only have 48 hours to style the whole thing. However, Brad is able to “wrangle a Gucci tunic” among other things, so the planning panic is resolved rather quickly, as usual.

Next it’s time to cast male models for the shoot. They say they want beefcake muscley models, but they mostly get ricecake skinny boys. However, at the eleventh hour a retarded but well built gentleman by the name of (San) Leandro arrives, golden pecs glistening in the noonday sun, and the day is saved. Rachel and Brad get all girly and giggly and tell San Leandro he’s hired.

Later, Rachel’s dad comes for a visit and they talk about nothing of note. The same usual babble babble stress babble babble Taylor babble babble faux fur vest. Moving on.

The next day, it’s the big V shoot! Everyone shows up stressed out and pissy, and Jessica Stam looks all cokey and bitchy and “whatever, I just take picture and make hundreds of thousands of dollars.” Girl does dress up nice though, and can take a pretty good picture. They pose her in a series of segments with dumb-as-Melba-Toast Leandro, but get behind and are only able to shoot 6 segments instead of 8. Rachel touts the photo shoot as a success, but to me 75% of your promised delivery isn’t much of an accomplishment. It’s all about spin!

Back at the studio, Taylor tells Brad and Jordan to help her move stuff. When they refuse, she bitches them out and screams “YOU DON’T RESPECT ME!” before storming out of the room like a gigantic straw-haired chain-smoking baby.

Meanwhile, Rachel’s “vertigo” has morphed into “sinus migraine,” so she and Rodger make a return visit to Dr. Cwynar (pronounced KWEE-NAR, like a Klingon), who tells her she needs to scale back on the stressful activities. While I’m sure she’s probably right, I doubt that “de-stress your life” is the answer to all that ails her, and I also noticed that “eat right” wasn’t part of her recommendation. See a real doctor, not this dietician quack! So anyway, KWEE-NAR tells Rachel to de-stress or she will die. Die!

Shaken by the news that her job is killing her, Rachel calls a team meeting with Brad, Taylor, and Rodger. Taylor shows up wearing sunglasses, and refuses to take them off like an asshole. Rachel announces that in order to preserve her health, Rodger will be taking over as business manager for the Rachel Zoe brand, and his first order of business will be to build a ball pit and a bouncy castle so he can giggle and yell “BOUNCE-A BOUNCE-A BOUNCE-A!” Just kidding, he actually acts pretty businesslike, and Brad and Taylor are all “WTF?” That is, until Rachel announces that she will be making Taylor “Head of Product Development” and Brad “Head of Styling.” So, everyone got promotions, sorta, and Rachel got to not die.

And there you have it. Season 2 all wrapped up in a neat little bow, all of a sudden in the last ten minutes of the episode. This season was definitely a little lackluster, so here’s hoping next season will fare better. I wonder what’s in the cards? Rachel gains 100 pounds now that she’s not working as much? Brad gets a mean coke addiction to keep up to pace with the styling? Taylor creates a new line of Rachel Zoe-brand feminine hygiene products? So many possibilities!

Shutting it down on RZP season 2! What will I do with my Mondays now?


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Dwight's Mooseknuckle is Burned Into My Retinas.

People got real philanthropic this week down in the city of peaches and cream. NeNe helped out battered and broken ladies, Dwight “helped” Sheree plan her fashion show, and Lisa helped her husband end his dreams of ever playing football again. Give them all a medal! More on all of this later.

But first! We begin our episode with Kim as she shops for clothes for her self described “mess” of a daughter, sans said daughter. She wants us to think that the store is very high end, but to me it looks about Kmart level, which makes the 600 something dollars she drops there even more incredible, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Kim invites Kandi along to the store to clear the air about skipping her big musical performance. Kandi gives Kim the most side eye I’ve ever seen in one show, but ultimately forgives her and the two talk about Kim’s “engagement” and other boring topics. Kim buys a bunch of terrible clothes for her monster child and the two head home.

Later, NeNe and Lisa meet to talk about the upcoming event NeNe is planning for her charity, Twisted Hearts, which benefits battered and abused women. Both women were former victims of abuse so are keen to help out. Some of you may remember this charity from last year’s Battered But Not Broken Big Hat Brunch. Well it’s brunch no more! This year’s event will be a high-heeled shoe race called “Heel the Soul” (Get it? Get it?). A bunch of ladies are going to put on heels and race each other, which somehow will raise money for battered women. Sponsorships maybe?

Next, in a rather heartbreaking scene, Lisa’s husband Ed works out with his trainer while continually wincing in pain from his tore up muscles. The trainer says that he could be putting his body at serious risk, and he should think of his family. Lisa shows up and says basically the same thing. Ed reluctantly agrees that it’s time to hang up the cleats and Lisa does everything in her power to contain her glee by trying to look sad and concerned.

On the other side of Atlanta, Sheree and Evil Gay Howdy Doody scope out the W Hotel ballroom facilities for the upcoming She by Sheree fashion show. Dwight completely takes over the planning and launches into an epic monologue about how the show will go, reminiscent of his tirade during the planning for his party earlier this season (IF THERE’S SHRIMP I WANT THEM TO BE CRISPY AND COOL! IS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE A LEOPARD? GIVE ME MORE!). The expression on the W party planner lady’s face is priceless. She has clearly never experienced Hurricaine Dwight before.

There is a mild dispute when Sheree brings up airing her terrible She by Sheree commercial during the show. Seriously, the thing is awful. It’s just a bunch of women in front of a green screen saying “She is _______" like some sort of Mad Lib (“She is pregnant! She is a bitch! She is a she-wolf in the closet!). So, it makes sense that Dwight says airing it at the show is a bad idea. But, since Ms. Whitfield is the HBIC and paid a hefty sum to produce the monstrosity, it is staying. Done!

After a brief visit to Kandi’s, where she frets about reentering the music industry, we move on to NeNe’s big “Heel the Soul” stiletto extravaganza! NeNe talks about all the people who are showing up, saying “we even got our gay guys on site.” Unfortunately, said on-site gay is none other than Demon Puppet Dwight, clad in a vomit-inducing skintight catsuit which makes it uncomfortably obvious that Mr. Eubanks enjoys going commando. It’s horrifying, guys.

Speaking of gays, the ladies are suddenly interrupted by an oversexed big-haired drag queen at their door. After a bit of confusion, the ladies realize it’s their old pal Clippers, here from LA just for the race! Clippers and Dwight meet, and Clippers says, dripping in double entendre, that he’s heard “big things” about Dwight, and I barf all over my apartment. Blech! Time to bleach my brain.

Anyway, NeNe, Lisa, Poppet of Satan, Clippers, and a few others pile into a party bus and head to the race course, which actually has a pretty good turn out. All the stiletto-clad ladies and gays line up, and after a countdown, THEY’RE OFF! Dwight leads the pack at first, but he’s quickly passed by a gay Usain Bolt. Seriously, the dude showed up in full on runner gear and heels. Awesome. So anyway, Gaysain Bolt zooms past all the trotting ladies and wins the prize. After huffing and puffing and wheezing and whining, NeNe finally catches her breath and heads to the podium to give the winner an award (which was clearly meant for a woman, but whatever). She and Lisa give half-assed speeches that amount to basically “Abuse is bad. Stop it” and the race is over. NeNe says next year she wants it to be bigger and shut down Peachtree Street. Good luck with that…

While the ladies in the ATL were stomping the streets and breaking their feets, Kandi is off in LA for her big meeting with Capitol Records. She meets with LV, the head of their “Urban Music” department to discuss her upcoming album, which she wants to call “Blog.” This may be one of the worst names for an album ever, except for that one Fiona Apple album. By the look on LV’s face, he agrees.

Anyway, after the two chat, LV officially tells Kandi that Capitol would love to have her on board. Yay! I honestly hope her album does well, since she is one of the only housewives in this entire goddamned franchise that I don’t want to fail. After they shake hands, the two head up to the roof of the building and take in the view to celebrate. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Across the country, the Wu-Hartwells lay in bed with their sleeping baby all posed and shit and talk about how they want to have another child. And turns out, Lisa is irregular! So, she runs off into the bathroom to pee on a tiny machine, and then comes back to bed with it (ew) so they can wait for the results. After a few minutes, waa waa, looks like she’s not preggo. Lisa says she’s disappointed, though her body expression belies that feeling. So many hidden emotions in this episode! Ed says that when it’s supposed to happen it’ll happen, and he’ll just have to keep pumping her full of semen until it does.

Finally, that evening NeNe meets with her “favorite” Uncle Mel, who is Curtis’s brother. The two have wine and talk about Curtis and how he hasn’t talked to NeNe since the revelation that she wasn’t his daughter. Mel says he’ll get over it, and he isn’t mad at her. They also bring up some character named “Allan” who is a friend of Curtis’s and is claiming that he’s NeNe’s father. Mysterious!

Looks like next week we’ll get to meet this mysterious father figure, who I am hoping looks like NeNe in a suit. Also, and more importantly, if Bravo’s hints are any indication, it looks like next week we might get to see Kim…WIGLESS! Please let it be so!

ALSO! PLEASE check out this feature The Atlanta Journal-Constitution did on Dwight’s house. It’s amazing. You won’t regret it.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Frankie Break!

So, this isn't a full post or anything. But! I saw this picture of Frankie on Dlisted and nearly crapped myself. It's breathtaking.

Also from the Dlisted post is this gem: "Frankie is also working on a perfume called "HOLLA" and a shoe line called "CODE 10."

Hear that? Pretty soon you too can smell just like Frankie, what I imagine is a heady mix of body odor, cigarette smoke, and Henny. Better get in line, that shit is going to go quick.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Rachel Zoe Recap: La mante à Paris.

Well folks, we’ve reached the penultimate level of this weeks-long glimpse into the abyss known as the Rachel Zoe Project. I for one am glad it’s ending. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy watching this mess, but I think a few more episodes and my patience would be gone.

Anyway, this week, Le Camp du Zoe va a Paris. Well, Le Camp du Zoe sans Taylor, le femme discontent perpetuelle (this is fakey French, I believe). That’s right, Rachel, with Brad, Rodger, Marisa, and Makeup Gay in tow, fly off to that gleaming continental city of lights. As she lounges in her opulent hotel suite, Rachel says that she feels bad about Taylor not being able to come, and that she should be there. Well Rach, if you wanted Taylor to be there, why didn’t you, I don’t know, BRING HER! She proceeds to unpack an obscene amount of luggage while Rodger sits and quietly makes a doody in his pants.

After the gang all unpack and get settled, Rachel and Brad head off to the Christian LaCroix show, a designer I know mainly for the repeated mentions in AbFab. They watch a series of lace clad skele’ins strut down the runway and Rachel mutters something about “Parisian Chic.” Afterwards, Rachel weasels her way back stage and talks to LaCroix as if they are best friends, but it’s obvious he has no idea who she is.

Next up they go to a show by Ungaro, which I remember nothing from but feel like I should mention. Moving on.

Back in LA, Taylor and Intern Jordan are working on some looks for Eva Mendes, Jennifer Garnder, and Demi Moore, who it seems are their only clients. Seriously, all they do is style these three women, and while I guess they’re all pretty famous, I can’t see how styling them supports such an expensive production. Maybe Rachel is engaging in some human trafficking on the side to earn some extra income. Just a theory. Can you imagine though? “Brad, these Thai children are buh-nanas. Let’s edge them out with a romper and a sheepskin vest.”

A Paris, Brad and Rachel head to their private appointment to see Coco Chanel’s apartment, preserved as if she were still living in it. The place was nice, but kind of struck me as a really fancy version of the Winchester Mystery House. They both queen out like it’s some sort of big deal, though I think anyone with enough money/with a TV crew can get a private viewing of this place.

After the two finish shitting themselves in ecstasy and change their pants, they head to the Stella McCartney show. Rachel sees Paul McCartney and shits her dress again, and Brad has some drama about finding his seat. Rachel interviews that she liked the show and wants the chunky knits on her body, which sounds like some sort of euphemism for a disgusting sex act.

Afterwards, everyone heads out for some sightseeing. They all wind up at a fancy vintage store, ostensibly looking for a present for Taylor, although all that happens is Rachel buys a Chanel suit and forces Brad to buy a mediocre Dior trench for thousands of dollars, like a couture drug pusher (his words).

Across the pond in LA, Taylor is freaking out because a corporate client they had been styling for didn’t like any of the looks they gave them, so they need to find a whole new selection. After Rachel does some damage control, she sends Brad to get looks from twee forest elf Erin Featherston there in Paris while Taylor scouts out looks in LA. Between the two of them they get enough of a selection, and everything works out in the end.

After the fire is extinguished, they head off to the John Galliano show for some ridiculous clothes and fake snow (like snow snow, not the snow Rachel blows up Rodger’s butt during sex). Afterwards, Rachel says that she wants to “go see John” (again with the faux bff familiarity), and after an awkward minute talking with the designer, proceeds to raid the shoes from the show and pretends to eat them. Can’t take that woman anywhere, I swear!

After Galliano, it’s time for the main event: The Chanel Show. Rachel gets good seats while Brad is put in the nosebleeds. He remarks that it was strange that out of the packed house, the only vacant seat was next to him. He says it’s like Taylor was meant to sit there, though I like to think it’s because Brad can’t stop farting so they left a buffer zone around him. Again, just a theory.

Once the show ends, Rachel heads backstage to talk to terrifying zombie fashion overlord Karl Lagerfeld, looking as Lagerfeldy as ever. He strikes me as someone who probably smells like formaldehyde and doesn’t eat enough fiber. He is surprisingly cordial to her, and the two pose for a few pictures.

Afterwards Rachel and Brad have a big gushy tea and talk about how fortunate they are to be who they are. Brad marvels at how a boy from small-town Canada could amount to all this! You know, a probably very underpaid assistant to an emaciated she-mantis. He has ARRIVED. The two cry tears of joy.

After the emotiontea, Brad calls Taylor and the two awkwardly chat for a few minutes until Taylor says something bitchy and hangs up. Trouble’s a-brewin, y’all!

But Brad doesn’t have enough time for that though, because he has to go to the Marc Jacobs for Louis Vuitton show. The clothes look pretty good, though Marc Jacobs himself looks meth-faced and emaciated. Seriously, dude needs to put down the pipe and eat a cheeseburger.

After the show, Rachel goes and talks to Marc, one of her self-proclaimed “closest friends” to gush. He seems vaguely annoyed and gives off a major “get the fuck away from me vibe.”

Back at the hotel, Rodger gurgles “G-g-g-giiift? Piiicture?” and hands Rachel an album he jumbled together from pictures he took on their trip. Rachel is all “Awww baaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyy” and the two do gross affectionatey stuff.

In LA, Taylor’s parents come visit her at the studio, and she complains to them about her job issues. The two intense characters basically tell her to sack up and stay in her job.

And that ends the second to last episode! Next week bettah bring the dramz, since this week basically nothing happened. Which is kind of weird, because that means I just wrote 1000+ words about nothing. What a life.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Don't be tardy for our lesbian wedding.

There were a lot of parties in the ATL this week, and nobody was tardy for them. There were some no shows though.

Our weekly visit with the worst ladies on earth begins with Kim, as she does some location scouting for she and Kandi’s joint-birthday party at the obnoxiously titled Asian-fusion restaurant “Aja” (get it? It sounds like “Asia” but is spelled CRAAAAZYY). She interviews that since they both have the same friends in the music industry, it’s only natural they’d be friends. What friends does Kim have in the industry? And no, hooking up with Snow in the backseat of a Subaru in 1993 doesn’t count.

Anyway, Kim interviews that she wants this party to be real classy. No cheap booze, no mini burgers, no nothing. A real class act. She also wants no NeNe whatsoever. She did say that she wasn’t going to have a VIP, which I thought was endearing, since having a VIP at your own birthday party is a total dick move.

Across town Kandi and her (sadly now deceased) fiancé are unpacking her newly replaced gold and platinum records, which apparently had gotten stolen. Who knew that you could just call up a company and re-order gold record plaques? Learning! If I were her I’d order a dozen gold copies of Bug-a-Boo and make a dress.

Looking at all the hits she’s made was actually pretty impressive. She’s written songs for a lot of pretty big artists, making her possibly the only RH cast member who is legitimately famous/successful. At least for now. She talks about her impending solo album, and hopes it’ll be as big of a hit as the ones she’s written on.

Back at Lisa’s house, she and NeNe meet to rehash the fight at Sheree’s party. My boyfriend mentioned that you can totally do a queer read into the drama between these ladies. Like, NeNe and Kim were lovers, and then Kim left NeNe for Sheree. Then, Kim left Sheree for Kandi, and now they are having a “birthday party” (a.k.a. secret Atlanta gay wedding) and not inviting NeNe. This is some L-word shit. NeNe also calls Kim a “dirty low-down monkey with a wig on,” which made me giggle.

Speaking of queer reads, later Sheree meets with Dwight to discuss her show and her upcoming line. Apparently the enchanted gay ventriloquist’s dummy is “helping” her. He mainly helps by shitting all over her ideas much like he did at Lisa’s show. Sheree interviews that she found this annoying, but what the hell did she expect? It’s Dwight!

Meanwhile, Kim goes to Kandi’s studio to record, chauffeured by Big Papa, who is hidden behind the tinted windows of his Bentley. Maybe Big Papa is actually Queen Latifah, and that’s why he’s kept a mystery? Theory!

Kim records the rest of the verses for Tardy for the Party, which sound terrible. However, the sound tech assures her that he’ll get her in key, which is an understatement. That song is so autotuned they could have had a Speak and Spell do it and it would have sounded just as good. Actually, that probably would have been better. DIBS! I CALL IT! Whoever makes it owes me money!

Also notable about this scene is how ridiculous Kim’s lips look during her interview. Seriously, they look like a puffy horizontal vajayjay. Is it just me, or is Kim slowly morphing into Lauri from Real Housewives of OC?

The next day, Sheree flies to New York with her scissor sister Tania to check on her line. After checking into their romantic hotel, the two “friends” go over to the seamstress’s studio to look at the pieces. Sheree is unimpressed by the Ms. Swan-esque character’s creations, and asks her to redo some of the items. I thought the designs looked decent, but then I’m sure Sheree would say anything wasn’t up to par, since in her mind such behavior somehow equates to good taste.

Back in Atlanta, Kandi rehearses for her upcoming “I’m back” performance. Half-way through, her manager arrives wielding a long black cane like some sort of very intense pimp. He yells at everyone to tighten up and give more energy. Then the ladies all lay on their backs and raise their hips into the air while he screams “THRUST IT! THRUST IT!”

After the thrusting, it’s TIME TO PARTY, ZOLCIAK STYLE! After getting ready and saying goodnight to her terrible spawn, Kim arrives at the party wearing feather covered shoes and a gigantic rock on her ring finger. Apparently, Big Papa proposed to her that night. Which is sweet and all, except, as everyone mentions behind her back, isn’t he like….still married? But whatever, they let Kim have her moment.

Kandi arrives soon after her lover/friend and tells Kim that she knew Papa was going to propose, since he’d asked her opinion on the ring. So, Papa knew that Kim belonged to Kandi, and had to ask her permission to marry her? Interesting.

Later, the ladies debut their song and everybody loves it. Which makes some sense. Awful or not, it is catchy. I guess. The party ends with the two lovebirds sharing their birthday cake and talking about how wonderful it is that in this wild, mixed-up world these two crazy kids found each other. They promise to always support one another.

Except not really, since Kim no-shows at Kandi’s big performance the next day. Kandi interviews that it would have been nice to have Kim there, since she would have done the same for her. The honeymoon is over! So much for scissorhood.

Kandi does a good job though, in spite of Kim’s absence and an impossibly tiny stage. The songs were pretty catchy too. Maybe she’ll have a comeback after all.

Next week it looks like NeNe is organizing some sort of Battered-But-Not-Broken-Big-Hat high heel race for her charity. This would be hilarious, but it involves Dwight in underwear, which looks positively vomit-inducing. Make sure to bring your buckets next week.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Rachel Zoe Recap: This woman is the worst boss ever.

This week was all about mental illness. Rachel has it. Big time.

I don’t know about you guys, but I spent this past week on pins and goddamned needles wondering whether Rachel would die or not after last week’s cliffhanger. Except not really at all.

Either way, this week it was resolved! The episode opens on Brad and Taylor talking about Rachel’s “illness.” Taylor says that Rachel might actually die. And not like, shutting it down die, for reals die. They both put on a good front and say that they will hold down the fort in der fuhrer’s absence, but they wonder what will happen if she actually dies. SHE IS NOT GOING TO DIE, SHUT UP!

Meanwhile, Rodger takes Rachel to a suspicious “hospital” called the Cwynar Center to meet with a “doctor” regarding her “illness.” After some quick Googling, it appears that the Cwynar Center specializes in weight loss and nutrition, both things that Rachel Zoe will obviously be familiar with. Well, not so much nutrition, but weight loss at least. Either way, I doubt that this “doctor” specializes in the treatment of actual illnesses. Unless your illness is your fat ass.

So, they go in, and the bebotoxed and berestalyned doctor tells Rachel that she has “vertigo” (which I always thought was a symptom and not a disease, but whatevs). Rachel characteristically overreacts and says she is in “fucking hell.” This scene really made me hate her a lot. Her, and Dr. Cwynar, and Rodger, and this whole goddamned city. People acting like they have goddamned cancer when what they really have is “all I eat is diet pills and I drink 20 gallons of black coffee a day.” GAAAAH!

Anyway, after the break we cut to Rachel, a couple days later, and she is (surprise surprise) feeling much better. She meets with the owner of Decades, her favorite vintage store, to discuss an upcoming collaboration she is doing with them. They’ll be doing a retrospective of sorts of all her jewelry. Rachel says that she has so many pieces, and she just wants to get rid of them, so they’ll be selling them and donating the money to charity. And by charity I mean cocaine up Rachel’s nose. I kid, I kid! It’s actually for cancer research. Booooring.

Since the jewelry retrospective will be told as a narrative of Rachel’s life (gag), she has her sister Pamela over to go through some old photos for inspiration. They look at the photos and reminisce about their good times, but all I could think about was how much of a Jewish beauty Rachel used to be. It’s amazing what blonde hair and losing half your body weight will do to change a person's ethnic identity. Anyway, they talk about stupid shit and pick out a few photos.

The next day Team Zoe meet at the studio where Rachel drops the bomb that they will all. Be. Going. To. Paris. Fashion. Week. Brad queens out and Taylor looks like she’s actually excited for the first time ever. Maybe things are turning a corner!

Except they’re not, because in the next scene Rachel tells Rodger that she just found out (yeah right) that they have 3 jobs coming up, so all three of them can’t go to Paris. Rachel decides the best way to pick who will go and who will stay is to e-mail both of them and then hope that Brad volunteers to stay back. She must have learned this in her seminar, entitled “How to be the Worst, Most Passive-Aggressive Manager on the Face of the Planet.” Seriously, who does that?! Obviously the actual best course of action is to just decide who will stay and who will go. Terrible.

Anyway, back at the studio Brad and Taylor talk about the e-mail, and quickly get into an argument about the whole situation. Taylor says that Rachel was hoping that Brad would volunteer, which causes him to get all flushed and angry. He says that he feels like he was being tested, and says how (appropriately) pissed off he is. Taylor tells him he should talk to Rachel.

Except he can’t, because Rachel is off to her fabulussssssssssss show at Decades, which winds up being really elaborate and fancy. Rachel talks to prospective buyers about how each piece of jewelry represents a part of her life, and they are all precious to her. This strangely reminded me of the scene in Les Miserables when Fantine sells her hair for money. Weird. Anyway, the show is actually pretty cool and humanizing. Again, BORING.

Later in the studio, Taylor tells Brad that she just spoke with Rachel who told her that she wants Taylor to decide who will stay and who will go, adding a new level of bullshit to this whole situation. Brad says that it should be Rachel who decides since she’s the boss, and Taylor agrees. But, this isn’t the case, and Taylor says that while she had been looking forward to going she thinks Brad should be the one to go because he deserves it and it’s his dream. The whole scene winds up being really heartwarming. What is with Taylor being nice this episode? It feels weird.

Brad still decides he needs to give Rachel a talking to, so he heads over to her house to meet. He tells her how pissed he was about the way she chose to handle the Paris issue. She is evasive and noncommittal, and tells him to leave the whole thing behind in LA and forget about it. Yes, ignoring bad feelings and bottling them up inside you is totally the best course of action to resolve conflict, always. Did Dr. Cwynar tell you that? Rachel does admit that she fucked up though, which is something.

So that was that episode. I really liked Rachel last season, but each episode this season makes me like her less and less. Why must she be such an idiot all the time?

Also, what is up with the fucking Bing endorsements this season?! Everything is “Bing” this, “Bing” that. Have you ever actually used Bing? It sucks! Stop telling me to use it, Bravo!

Anyway, next episode promises Paris and passive aggression, so get ready to claw your eyes out, America.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Closed, broken, and independent pocketbooks.

First off, sorry for skipping a week of RHOA recaps. Between a pickup at work and my vibrant social life, I couldn’t find the time to recap last week’s antics. All you need to know is that Kim recorded the chorus for TFTP after a lot of complaining, they unveiled the alter ego pictures (all surprisingly good), and Kim fell down at the unveiling and acted like a big baby. There, all up to speed.

This week things came to a head, both figuratively as a fight between Kim and NeNe, and literally as a gigantic portrait of Sheree’s head. But more on those two topics later.

The episode opens with a bikini-clad Kim and her porcine friend Cori lounging by the pool. Did anyone notice Kim’s 80’s titty tan? You know, the kind where a woman’s boobs are completely brown except for a triangle around the nipple where her bikini was. Anyway, they talk about Kim’s wild and wooly relationship with Big Papsmear. They had ended their relationship over a nebulous “betrayal,” but apparently the two are at a better place thanks to an impromptu trip to the Bahamas. Now Kim is conflicted about what she wants, saying she’s at a crossroads. She wants a commitment and a ring, but being as it’s been 3 years and he still hasn’t divorced his wife, I don’t see that happening any time soon. Face it Kim, you’re just a sideline ho. Enjoy it! Relish it! You get cars and jewelry from it, don't you?

We move on to Sheree, who is checking out venues for her independence party with her “friend.” (Here I use “friend” the way my mom uses “friend” when she is talking about my boyfriend to old people.) Am I the only one getting a serious lesbian vibe from Sheree and her short-haired former military BFF? Something about the looks they give each other just tips me off a little bit. But, I could also be getting the dykey vibes from the fact that Sheree’s party will be women-only, and she is really excited by the fact that there’s a stripper pole at the club. Either way, Sheree likes the venue for her Sapphic orgy, and agrees to hold the party there.

On to the THEATAAAH, where Kandi and Lisa are rehearsing for their upcoming performances in The Pocketbook Monologues, which would be better titled as The Copyright Infringement Monologues, since it looks like the creator lady just copied The Vagina Monologues and replaced “vagina” with “pocketbook.” Also, this is kind of a creepy euphemism for vaginas, since it makes me picture a woman storing money, credit cards, and other valuables in her vagina like a kangaroo. So yeah, playtitlefail.

Anyway, first up is Lisa, who will be doing a monologue entitled “A Closed Pocketbook,” (LOL) since she is too classy to actually have a slutty piece. Hers is about falling in love with a guy in prison, or something. I thought she did a good job but the director begs to differ, which Lisa doesn’t take too well. Lisa also says “twat” at some point during this scene, which made me giggle.

Next up is Kandi, who has a very serious and dramatic scene about an HIV positive prostitute who was raped by her father and now purposely infects her johns. Sad stuff, although it’s hilariously titled “A Broken Pocketbook.” Apparently the insinuation is that HIV positive women have broken cooters. Anyway, everyone raves about Kandi’s performance, though I thought she overacted and it came off a little too “the talented girl in high school doing a dramatic read” for me, but whatever. Drama critic I am not.

Over at the Leakes household, NeNe meets with her ghostwriter from “a major publishing house” to discuss her memoir. She recounts her childhood growing up in Athens, Georgia, and how far she has come. She also brings up the whole Curtis drama from last season. She tells the ghostwriter she wants it to be a juicy book, because there’s nothing NeNe hates worse than a boring memoir. The writer says she doesn’t see how it’d be possible for NeNe to make a boring memoir, based on all the salacious shit in her life. I for one can’t wait for this book to come out.

Back to Sheree, who visits some pan-European painter named Rossin to get her portrait done for her independence party. Because that’s what every party needs, a gigantic portrait of the host. Rossin takes a few photos of Sheree, commanding her to “think Nefertiti 21st century,” which Sheree does…kinda? Anyway, the photos are snapped, and Sheree is sent on her merry way.

Across town Kim looks at expensive jewelry and talks about how Big Papa will buy them for her. Yawn.

Later that week, it’s time for “Talkin’ ‘Bout Snatches,” and the ladies will be performing to a packed house! Lisa is nervous, but does a great job with her monologue, and is very proud. Kandi drags her broken pocketbook onto the stage and does a good job as well, eliciting a standing ovation, which I think was a little much. Oh! And Dwight was there, looking weird and Muppety.

Over at Kim’s house, he is chastising her horrible daughter Ariana for trying to sneak cupcakes. “NO CUPCAKES AT THIS HOUR!” Kim commands, since if she eats this late she will turn into a Gremlin. Horrible Ariana succeeds in her fiendish quest for cupcakes, and all of Atlanta trembles at the impending Gremlin havoc that is about to be wreaked.

But before the Gremlin holocaust, it’s time for Sheree’s INDEPENDENCE PARTYYYYYYYY! Kim arrives on crutches, even though for this whole episode she’s been walking around on her feet just fine. Ugh. There are also numerous gays in heels, making me suspect that this is a rising trend among Atlanta’s gay elite. Heels and tight jeans. It’s a look.

NeNe confronts Kim about the song, and tells her that she’s fine with Kim recording it on her own, but personally she thinks that Kim won’t be able to sell the song without her. This starts a slow-boiling fight that culminates in NeNe calling Kim a dirty person and Kim saying NeNe is evil. So much for their reconciliation.

Sheree commands everyone to refocus on her, since it’s supposed to be her night. After a really fake-seeming speech about how she totally loves all you guys, she unveils the portrait Rossin did, which is actually pretty good. Everyone claps and then Sheree’s gay hairdresser brings out a dollar bill-clad female stripper to work the pole. Something tells me that this is the only pole-working Sheree has seen in a while, if you know what I mean. She prefers the hole. I’m talkin’ bout lesbians.

Anyway, after the stripper interludes, the Tardy for the Party fight continues, this time between NeNe and Kandi, although I can’t quite figure out why those two were fighting. Maybe because Kandi isn’t taking sides? I don’t know. Sheree’s scissor buddy interviews that she thought it was classless for the ladies to fight during Sheree’s special day, but Ms. Whitfield says it didn’t bother her, and she thought the party was a smashing success.

Then, as everyone exits the party, one woman screams “OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?!” All the ladies turn, but it’s too late. An army of fake Baby Chanel-clad Gremlins descends upon the partygoers, devouring them all until nothing is left but some mangled Jimmy Choos and a blood soaked portrait. The horror. Oh the horror.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Rachel Zoe Recap: Rachel dies, literally.

Everything’s coming up Zoe this week! Endorsements! Cartoon appearances! Photoshoots! Illnesses!

It looks like Rachel will finally get to put her acting chops to work: this week she receives a call from noted cougar enthusiast Ashton Kutcher asking her to appear in an episode of his retardedly-titled web series “the Blah Girls.” Jumping at the opportunity to pretend that she is friends with the celebrities she styles, she agrees and heads across town to meet with the Douche Prince.

Ashton tells Rachel that in the “episode,” she will be styling the Blah Girls for their prom. Rachel takes this opportunity to boast that she went to six proms. What a floozy. She likes the idea, but says she also wants make over all the girls and edge them out a little bit, which makes me think that she may not realize that these are cartoons and not in fact real girls. Also, I really want to be able to say “we just need to edge it out a little bit” in my daily life. New goal of this week is to work it into conversation somewhere.

“Noah, have you taken a look at the new marketing brochures?”
“What did you think?”
“They’re cool, but I just think we need to edge them out a little bit. Maybe give them a faux-fur vest and some sequins or something.”
“You’re fired.”

Anyway, they commence filming a couple scenes and it quickly becomes clear that Rachel cannot act. Like, at all. She also says that she can't read the script. Guys, is RZ illiterate? I've never seen her read or write anything. Conspiracy theory! Call the Truthers! Also hilarious, Rachel has to react to a cartoon that's not there, Jurassic Park style. Since she has no imagination at all, she fails at this too. Someone better introduce that bitch to Figment. Also, for some reason in my notes for this episode I wrote "inexplicable woozy" during this section, but I was drunk so I have no idea now what it referred to. Just thought I'd add that.

Anyway, we cut accross town breifly to Taylor doing a styling job by herself...again. And she complains about how she doesnt want to this...again. And how she's not focusing on her career...again. At this point they could just replace her with a VHS tape of her on a loop and it would serve the same purpose. Actually, that's a good idea. It'd be very high-art.

So that happens, and we head back over to Trainwreck Studios to watch Rachel make a fool of herself. Now she's doing voiceovers, which like her acting abilities, also sucks. The producer of the program winds up having to feed her lines, and it is clear that he hates his job/life. After a while though, Rachel gets into the swing of things and actually starts doing half-decent. She even improvs some parts! Watch out, Groundlings!

Rachel leaves Metro Goldwyn Douchebag studios and heads over to the Glamour shoot, where she is met by Jordan, Taylor, as well as Makeup Gay and Hair Gay. If Brad were there, then all Rachel's gays could cry "UNITE!" and turn into their giant, fabulous, gay Voltron robot. But alas, he was not, so they don't.

Since this shoot is based on reader questions, Rachel says that she is planning on styling for the everygirl. She then proceeds to dress the models in oversized fake-sheepskin vests and insectoid sunglasses. Everygirl indeed.

Rachel quickly takes over the entire shoot, much to the dismay of the photographer, creative director, and Glamour editor there. She also tells the black model that her hair is too "curly curly" and that they should smoooth it out a little bit, causing America to cringe so hard you can practically hear it.

Since she isn't able to be much help to Rachpoleon, Taylor goes outside to call Brad, who is adorably taking his elder dog (IT HAS A PACEMAKER, GUYS!) to the groomers. Taylor thinks this is outrageous, but that's just because she traded her heart away when she was 15 for a Baby-G watch and a pair of Sketchers. No, they were cool then!

The next day at the studio, Marisa arrives with Rachel's Blah Girls episode, hot off the douche presses. It looks really low budget, and is painfully unfunny. It also includes a gag with a girl literally giving birth to a cow (have a cow, get it?) that I am ashamed to say took me 15 minutes to get. I just thought it was some non-sequitor Family Guy shit. Apparently Ashton Kutcher is too smart for me.

After they finish watching the video, Ashton and Demi call (how convenient) from Atlanta. Rachel gushes about how she loooooooved it and how it looked so goooooood. Brad asks, totally unprompted by the Bravo producers standing around them, whether they've seen any of the ATL housewives while they were there. They haven't.

Accross town, Taylor meets with a friend of hers whose name I forget to ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN talk about how she isn't satisfied with her job. Is this bullshit going to last all season? Just QUIT already! Her beast of a friend asks whether she is happy, and Taylor says she isn't, and wants to style big corporate accounts, like Dodge (WTF?).

Taylor heads over to the studio to meet with Rach and finally talk about how she isn't happy. However, Rachel is inexplicably too "sick" and nauseous to even sit up. Taylor reacts so calmly and with such speed that it seems like she's done this before. Now I'm not saying Rachel does drugs or anything, but didn't this scene seem like a bad trip, say on something like Mexican diet pills? Just sayin'.

Rachel lays on the couch and moans while Brad and Taylor make fun of her. Brad offers her a clutch to barf in and says she looks fashionably nauseous. They offer to take her to the hospital, but she refuses (DIET PILL OVERDOSE), so they drive her home and call Rodger, who also acts like this situation is strangely familiar.

When they arrive, Taylor calls the Drug Overdose Hotline, ahem, I mean the "advice nurse," who says that Rachel just needs to lay down and ride it out. When asked what she thinks made her sick, Rachel cryptically says "my world is making me sick."

As Rachel lays on her deathbed, she and Taylor have a heart to heart. Taylor begs her not to die (I am not joking), and Rachel weakly tells Taylor that she is her "blessed jewel" like some sort of expiring family matriarch. Then Bravo rolls a big "To be continued..." as if they actually can make us think that Rachel might die in the next episode. How dumb do they think I am? Well actually, dumb enough to not get a joke in Blah Girls, so yeah...