Sunday, December 13, 2009

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: God hates girls only trips.

Is it just me, or was this week's journey into the bowels of hell actually kind of enjoyable? I mean, we got to see Lynne get sliced and diced, Gretchen actually making some salient points, and the further disintegration of Tamra's marraige. All in all, pretty good!

We begin as we did last week, with Vicki and her long-suffering daughter Brianna. However, this time, instead of trying to slip Brianna a roofie and getting her pregnant with some loser's seed, Vicki and daughter are out shopping for a ring for Don. The jeweler they go to is kind of awesome, if only because she called Vicki a bitch. Porky Patterson interviews that when they got married, she didn't have the money to buy Don somethin real nice, so she wants to make it up to him now. So, she buys him a gold ring with 3 princess cut diamonds in it. Which, like, is sweet and all, but seems kind of emasculating. Men's jewelry has always struck me as really bizarre because guys have to try and make an inherently feminine thing look all hard and edgy so they don't look gay by flashing off their princess cut diamonds. Anyway, weird. I like to think when Vicki gives Don the new ring, he'll go all Alexis on her and queen out about how awesome it is ("Vicki! This is sick! I love it! It's sick!").

Speaking of that terrible be-titted monster, next up is Alexis, who is busy taking her toddler-aged daughters for thier first mani-pedis. (Aside: I've just noticed one of these little monsters is named Melania, a name Theresa on RHONJ also named one of her daughters. I'm assuming both women named their daughters after Donald Trump's mail order bride, which, if true, is a great example to set for their children.) The kids throw complete tantrums because, you know, babies hate having their hands and toes prodded and painted by strange women. After a noble effort by the poor nail salon employees, Alexis scoops her kids up and tosses them into the back of her stupid car, where off camera she sobs quietly about the chamber of horrors that her life has turned into. Or at least, I imagine she does.

Moving on to Lynne, who is getting a new face bolted over her old one. She's brought over by her broken-souled husband, who is bankrolling this bizarre surgery even though they can't afford it and she doesn't need it. After signing her life away, Lynne is pumped full of drugs and gets real loopy. Loopier even than that one time where she ate a whole tray of weed brownies with her friend Scooter in the 70's and had tea with Jesus. Eventually she passes out, and the doctor proceeds to cut off her face.

While that happens, Lynne's husband returns with daughter Raquel, who also has an appointment to have her face filed down. Instead of a face lift though, Raquel will be getting a new nose. She interviews that a while ago she broke her nose, and it hasn't been the same since, which I call bullshit on. I'm so sick of people saying they are getting nose jobs because of some fake medical reason. No, you are not getting a nose job because of your deviated septum, you are getting one because you want a tiny button nose, Heidi Montag. Similarly, I doubt this dubious broken-nose claim.

Anyway, after the doctor pulls out a chisel and hammer and breaks Raquel's nose (literally, that's what he does), we head over to Vicki's house, where she is furiously typing up "work." Something about the way she does this makes me think that she's just fast typing to look busy. Like, seriously, if you looked at her screen it probably just says "sdjaklxaslkkfjc;kl;fajkln;/j" or something. She takes time out of her very important business work to speak with Tamra about the upcoming Florida trip Vicki is planning. Vicki says that she wants it to be a girls trip, but Tamra says she'll have to check with Simon first, because they don't really travel separately ever, which Vicki does not like one bit. Do I sense a dramatic plot arc? Yes!

Next, we head over to Saddleback Community College, where Gretchen and Slade are taking motorcycle driving class so Gretchen can get a license to drive that ridiculous motorbike Jeff bought her last season (you know, her happiest memory of him). I wasn't aware you could have a motorcycle registered in your name but not be legally able to drive it. Interesting.

Anyway, the two of them act like idiots during class and look really obnoxious. Gretchen says it's because she's a "class clown," but I think it's because that's how she gets dudes, by acting "goofy." She's totally the Cameron Diaz type who is like "Nah, I'm a total tomboy! See, I fart! Look at me in this bikini!" Whatever, they both pass, which means Gretchen can drive her big stupid Harley around and give old men boners.

Moving on! In order to better bond and get to know each other (read: get more camera time so they can get more money to subsidize their ridiculous lifestyles), OC husbands Simon (Tamra's), Jim (Alexis's), and Don (Vicki's) all go golfing together. They lazily thwack balls around the green and perform horribly, especially big fat pile Jim, who smokes cigar after cigar and almost crashes his golf cart.

After the end of their horrible game, the men head to the clubhouse for some brewskis and gnarly dude talk. They talk about the economy, and Jim says something trite about how it's made him realize how much shit he's got that he doesn't need. This prompts Simon to make an idiotic statement about how it's "slapped us back to the 50's" where things were simpler, which makes no sense. Nothing about their lives is simple or like the 50's at all, except for maybe their desire to own their wives.

Jim brings up the Florida trip which Don says they weren't invited to, since it's a "girls trip." This doesn't go over too well with Jim or Simon, who both say that they have a rule where they never travel without their spouses. Again, I call bullshit. You know that both of them travel without their wives all the time. I think it's more that they are terrible monsters who think their wives are their property and want to control every aspect of their lives. This, however, makes Don and Vicki's relationship look downright healthy. They both express shock at how "different" Don and Vicki's relationship is because he "lets Vicki travel without him." Ugh, terrible.

Next up, it's time for lunch with Gretchen and Alexis, who somehow managed to escape her cage. After an uncomfortable part where their waiter offers them "cougar cocktails," the ladies move on to talk about the Florida trip. Alexis says she has the "best marriage in the world," so why would she want to go on a trip without her husband. She chalks this up to them being very traditional and "godly," and believe in traditional principles and gender roles. She says she even trusts her husband to be naked on a boat with Gretchen, which seems so oddly specific that it makes me think Alexis has actually been naked on a boat at some point. Or she at least views this as a very sexy situation. Gretchen interviews that it's weird that Alexis puts on this whole godly act sincee she parades around with her gigantic boobs out all the time. Point, Gretchen!

Seriously though, there's something so infuriating about people who claim to be very Christian and moral, but then parade around dressed like pornstars and act like complete monsters. And OC seems to be full of them. Nuke them, I say!

After an intense segment in which Tamra and Simon argue about Ryan, and an even more intense segment involving Alexis getting botox, we head back to Dr. Facecutty's office to check in on Lynne. Our girl emerges from a room with her head all bandaged and babushka'd. The doctor unwraps the bandages, and everyone says how good Lynne looks and what a success the surgery was. Which, yes, it is a success, if the goal was to have her look like Katherine Helmond in Brazil. A few minutes later, Raquel shows up with her shnoz all bandaged up, and Lynne tells her how pretty she looks, though in her confessional Raquel basically looks the same as she always did. Lynne does look a little less freakish once her face has settled though.

Later, Tamra puts on her real estate agent shoes and shows a house. She keeps saying how much she misses the industry and how she loves it, and how they have no money, and the whole scene is just very sad.

That night, Vicki and Don have an awkward dinner date to get Vicki's love tank a-boilin. It is cute that they're making an effort, even if the conversation is stilted and they don't seem to have much in common. While at dinner, Don brings up the conversation at the golf course, specifically about how Simon said the Gunvalson's relationship is not normal. Miss Piggy is none too pleased by this or the fact that Simon and Jim will be joining them in Florida. She also mentions that she and Simon have been having a conflict lately. This trip should be interestiiiiiing.

In the final scene, Gretchen and Tamra meet to bury the hatchet before the upcoming trip. However, they fail miserably, because Tamra refuses to admit any wrongdoing and she tells Gretchen that they won't be friends until Gretchen takes down some blog post she wrote about Tamra. This woman is in her 40's. And getting upset over Facebook wall posts and blogs. Jesus Christ on a cross.

That's all she wrote this week! They did a lot of setting up for next week's Florida episode, so it should be a doozie. The preview promises a surprise Slade visit, a slurry Vicki giving Gretchen shit, and a confrontation between Vicks and Tams about Simon. Exciting!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Wigs baby! Wigs!

And we're back! After Bravo subjected us to a week of no housewives, totally missing the opportunity for a Very Special OC Thanksgiving, the ladies have returned. This week, they deal with serious issues like creepy matchmaking, parent-child miscommunication, prison, and custom made necklaces to be dangled between one's clown tits. Learning!

The curtain rises on Vicki, who is concocting a very complicated scheme to fly out some piggish man-baby named Chris from Indiana in hopes of setting him up with Brianna, acting like some sort of orange-hued gentile Yente. The newly single Brianna (whom Colby left for a 17 year old! Escandalo!), is suprisingly ok with her mom setting her up on a weekend long date with a stranger she has never met.

While that elaborate courting ritual is going on, Gretchen flies out to Michigan to visit Jeff's kids, which is actually pretty touching. The kids seem to genuinely like her, which goes against all the "she's a gold digging prostitution whore" allegations that Tamra is belching out of her piehole. They all have a chat, and the son shows Gretchen the new photo-realistic tattoo of his father he got, placed squarely on his back. That kid had better not turn out to be gay. And if he does, he better be a top, if you know what I mean. Nothing worse than looking down during coitus and seeing some dude's dead father looking back at you. Shudder.

Back in OC, Vicki holds a BBQ to auction off Brianna's maidenhead. I mean, to welcome ChrisPig to the OC. A bunch of randos show up, along with Tamra and her brood. Later, her future-star-of-To-Catch-a-Predator son Ryan shows up to the BBQ. Apparently Tamra hasn't been seeing much of him lately because Simon has banned him from the house for driving Tamra's car without a license while they were in LA. Simon says all he wants is an apology. Over Facebook. Yeah. Facebook. Terrible.

Not that Ryan is that great either, mind you, as we see him later shotgunning beers in the pool with Vicki's impish son and some other random while his 4 year old sister aimlessly floats around nearby. While Simon stands like, 5 feet away, watching and saying nothing. Basically, I mean to say this family is horribly, HORRIBLY depressing. Next scene!

Mercifully, we move on to Alexis, who is stuck at the bottom of her pool, having been dragged there by the two sandbags bolted to her chest she tries to pass off as breasts. Just kidding, she and her creeper husband are going out to a nice dinner. Alexis interviews that she and her husband are "best friends," even though to me it seems like their relationship is more master and servant than friends, but whatever. She says that he has never changed a diaper or helped her with any of the home tasks, but she doesn't mind because "he's my king."

After I finish vomiting and unpause the DVR, the two proceed with their meal. Creeper husband lights a cigar and tucks into a gigantic pile of cocktail shrimp while belittling Alexis and asking her if she worked out today. He goes on to give her a big stupid diamond necklace to dangle in her cleavange and she fawns like a child. She interviews that she is living the fantasy life she dreamed about as a little girl. Really? You dreamed that you'd be starving yourself and maintaining a breakneck workout schedule so you could play house with some Larry the Cable Guy lookalike? Congrats.

Over at Lynne's new modernist Laguna Beach cube, she, her world-weary husband, and two demon spawn have a sit down to talk about their issues. Apparently, the two teens have been "lashing out," so Lynne has called in "Youthologist" Vanessa Van Petten to set the girls straight. Lynne assures the skeptical girls that Vanessa is "cool" and "with it," sounding like Amy Poehler's Cool Mom from Mean Girls.

It appears Vanessa wrote some stupid book about parenting like a child, which somehow makes her qualified to counsel families. She has a sit down with each of the girls as well as the parents, and in the end they come to a "breakthrough" that basically boils down to them needing to talk more and not be beer ho's. Did you feel the earth move? We also learn that Lynne used to do hash brownies, which I would have LOVED to have seen

After a sad scene where Gretchen visits Jeff's gravesite with his kids, we go back to Vicki, who is taking everyone out to dinner to bid farewell to Christopher McPigglesworth as he heads home to far-off Indiana. He politely interviews that he had a good time, and Brianna interviews that the whole thing was terribly awkward and she hated it and she'd never do it again. So that went well.

And now it's time for the final, and perhaps most bizarre segment in RHOC history. In order to blow off some steam and cut loose, Tamra decides to have a bunch of ladies over to play some "Wigged-out Housewife Bunko," in which a bunch of beef jerky people come over, inexplicably wearing wigs, to play some sort of elaborate thinly-veiled excuse to do tequila shots. They should have just played a game of King's, it would have been way faster. Blasts from the past Tammy and Meltybeast Quinn show up as well, which was fun.

Once the game is explained, the ladies proceed to throw dice and scream like monkeys until one of them rolls the right number, after which they take a shot. Alexis gets super competitive and weird, and Tammy gets really slurry and calls Tamra "a bitch, but a fun bitch. Ahluvver." Soon the game ends, and the ladies all presumably drunk-drive home, careening off into the OC night, running into mansions and manservants alike.

The next day, Tamra meets with Ryan at a Mexican restaurant because he's got something imporant to tell her. After some small talk about his foot (which he broke jumping off a tour bus while drunk), and after he orders a Patron shot and a Corona (stay classy!), Ryan tells his mom that he'll be going to jail. See, apparently he was supposed to do community service for his driving offense, but he decided to change it to jail time, since he is a lazy nogoodnik. He's totally all "Whatever, it's just prison. NBD." Tamra gives a painful interview about how much guilt she has, and how she would love to see Ryan succeed at something, and it's obvious that she's keenly aware of the horrible job she did raising him. Sad.

And with that downer of an ending, this week's chapter comes to a close. They seem to be really upping the crazy with his episode, so let's hope it sticks. Next week it appears Tamra and Gretchen have a no doubt heavily-edited smackdown. Could be fun?