Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Shameless Plug

I recently helped my brother out on a video he and his friend were doing. Its about how the invention of sound spelled the death of wicker in the film business. I act in a couple scenes. Act! Me!


Thursday, October 2, 2008

Previously, on Top Fist...

TV. I love it. In all forms, and in all incarnations. TV on TV. TV on DVD. TV on DVD played on a TV and filmed and then projected onto a film screen. TV projected onto the faces of twentysomething nude models painted white, etc. etc.

However, my favorite genre of TV is reality, for which Bravo is hands down the best network (though for garbage VH1 is giving them a run for their money). Seriously, there is not a single show on that network that I will not watch. Well, with the exception of those occasional Law and Order: Criminal Intent 10 hour k holes that they fall into sometimes (Honestly, Criminal Intent? That is seriously, like, the worst Law and Order spinoff ever. It's all about SVU).

That being said, lately I have been noticing how...focused the Bravo shows seem to be. The fact that Bravo is the network of gays isn't news, and is admittedly a lot of its appeal to me, but sometimes I can't help feeling like I am being pandered to. The whole Bravo as gayest fucking network to ever exist thing seems to have all started with Queer Eye (which, come to think of it, I hated. So fine, there is one Bravo original that I didnt like).

From that show's success, all of a sudden fags and their hags flocked to the network, and from this newfound viewership sprung an increasingly gay crop of shows like Project Runway, Kathy Griffin, Shear Genius, Top Chef, Top Design, and all the rest. While I guess they're not explicitly gay, a casual glance at the cast/ contestants of these programs illustrates who the shows are aimed at.

I just wish Bravo would just stop beating around the bush and start Top Fist, or Project Butt Cleavage. I mean, lets call a spade a spade. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush when the pots calling the kettle black and a stich in time saves nine as long as the early bird gets the worm...

Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh! right! Bravo! Don't get me wrong, I love that network and every show it keeps queefing out of its gaping chotch-pit, but I just wish it would stop with the not-so-subtle wink to gay people and just like, dive in, ya know?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

YouTubes I have loved.

Since I spend a large amount of my time in front of a computer, its only natural that I have done my fair share of YouTube-watching. And granted, while a lot of that site's content is bottom-of-the-barrel garbage, there are a few videos that awesomely float to the surface. Some of which, fall below.

Queenie in Trouble
This short video from the first half of the 20th century tells the tale of Queenie, a young dame who gets in trouble when a brute locks her in a room and attempts to rape her. Don't worry though, her pals come and rescue her. Oh, btw, the whole thing is acted out by dogs. Instant classic.

The Gorie Cup

I discovered the amazingness that is Gorie while in Japan. In a nutshell, she is a male comedian who dresses up like a blonde cheerleader and does routines. However, more amazing than Gorie herself, is the Gorie Cup, which is a gigantic cheerleading competition for little girls in Japan. The shit these girls do insane, they put Bring it On to shame. Below is my favorite team, who won 2nd place (ROBBED!)

Krumping! Human hellicopters! Popping and locking! God, I love Japan.

Florrie Fisher

Inspiration for Jerri Blank from Strangers With Candy, Florrie Fisher was (is? is she alive?) a motivational speaker who spoke to students about the dangers of drugs by relating her own, often horrifying experiences in a PSA called The Trip Back.

She's so aggro!

More likely to get a curb job than a blow job

The best news slip-up ever:

This video is weird on so many levels. Why is advocating the curb-jobbing of J.Lo? Why was he thinking about blow jobs? Why does he act so creepy at the end? For every one video, there are thousands of questions.


Ok, so first off, addiction is horrible, making light of it is bad, yadda yadda yadda

That being said...I am obsessed with Allison, the computer keyboard duster-huffing basketcase from A&E's Intervention. This video is a "best of" if you will.

Yes, I realize this may make me a bad person. I swear if she was like, a crackhead I wouldn't think it was funny! But come on! Computer duster? Plus, she reminds me of a muppet.

Which, speaking of inappropriateness, brings me to my all time favorite video...


Most of you have probabably seen this already, but a YouTube compilation wouldn't be complete with out it. Jill is the mildly mentally handicapped protagonist of a 1970's sex-ed video entitled "Pink Slip," which aims to serve as an instructional tool for teaching the mentally disabled pre-teen. But, it's not even Jill that makes this video fascinating, but how aggressive her family is in teaching her the ins and outs of menstruation. Seriously, count how many times her family members say the phrase "blood comes from inside of my body through an opening between my legs."

This concludes this episode of YouTubes I Have Loved. I hope it was able to bring a little joy into your day.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Sonic Blumpkin

Well known is my love of girl pop. I appreciate my Kylies, Robyns, Danity Kanes, and even the occasional Britneys, so naturally I was intrigued by newcomer Lady GaGa. I had seen pictures of her in her weird outfits, and her first single "Just Dance" is an infecitously enjoyable vapid dance track that is fun to listen to in my car. So, I was actually pretty excited for her first full length album The Fame, even if only so I could have entertaining backgroung music to drive to. Lets just say that my excitement was a tad unwarranted, as the title of this post suggests.

The album starts out well enough, opening with "Just Dance." Dumb, tiptoeing the line of retarded, lyrics aside, the song is catchy and enjoyable to listen to in a guily pleasure sort of way. The following song, "Lovegame," is also catchy enough, with GaGa taking rides on some dude's "disco stick" and getting her ass squeezed by "sexy cupid."

However, once track three arrives, the album begins its tailspin into the fiery pits of hell, with such earbleeders as "Papparazzi" and "Beautiful Dirty Rich" (really? something tells me its a little too early to be singing about all the money you have, Gaggy. Though its not inconceivable that shes some Ali Hilfiger-esque trust fund bohemian). However, these tracks are mere appetizers to the full service shit buffet that is track 5, maddeningly titled "Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)." Then don't say anything, bitch! Who makes grunt noises the title of a song, anway?! This song sounds like what would happen if you melted Ashlee Simpson's "L-O-V-E," Ace of Base's "The Sign," and Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind" together, vomited in it, and then reconstituted it into a new song. Seriously, its unlistenable. Track 6, which is the second single, "Poker Face," fares no better, sounding like the b-side of a b-side of a b-side of an Ace of Base single.

The rest of the album is similarly godawful, though I will say that the song "Brown Eyes" makes me giggle, but only because I have the sense of humor of a 10 year old. Seriously though! She sings about looking into a guys' brown eyes! She said brown eye! Ha! Its hilarious! And no, its not about assholes, my humor is just very base.

My biggest problem with Lady Gaga is not even her shitty music, but her shitty music in relation to her public persona. By the way she dresses and how she carries herself on stage (ignoring how obnoxious you think it is), you would at least think that her music would be somewhat weird or different. But no, instead, she pumps out the type of crap you would expect from say, the solo album of a non-Nicole Scherzinger Pussycat Doll. Lady Gaga appropriates the avant-garde in her image to trick people into thinking that her music is somehow intelligent or different from the average pop singer. She even went so far as to say (in robospeak, natch), "pop music will never be low brow" in the intro to her SYTYCD performance. Sars GaGa, but slapping an eighties power suit and giant sunglasses on Britney reject tracks does not a highbrow pop song make.

Anyway, in conclusion, if you were thinking of getting this album because you casually liked "Just Dance," don't. Instead either download the single, don't download anything at all, or stab yourself in the ears repeatedly with a coathanger. All three are better alternatives.

UPDATE: Per Jon's suggestion, I made the ad below to help her record label launch a new campaign.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Karrine Stefans is amazing.

So Karrine Stefans (superhead) used to date Eddie Winslow from Family Matters, and apparently they broke up (extremely d-list gossip). Apparently he also loved having his bunshole probed with substantially sized anal beads:

This video has taught me to be sure not to get ass dust/ass particles in my hair. The more you know!

Visions in airbrush and cotton

Ever since the fateful day of April 25, 2002 when Left Eye was cruelly taken from this planet, it has been a dream of mine to get an airbrushed t-shirt of she and Aaliyah (also tragically taken too soon) together as angels sitting on clouds playing the harp. Today I finally decided to make that dream a reality and as such have been scouring the interwebs for the past hour or so in search of such a shirt. Much to my dismay, I have found it shockingly difficult to find any shirt with just the two of them together on it, let alone as angels. However, I did find the two shirts below. Is it just me, or does it seem like powers of air paint and cotton are trying to warn us of something:

Photobucket Image Hosting
Photobucket Image Hosting

Missy Elliott is going to die! Following the Celestial Rule of Airbrushed T-Shirts (TM), if you find yourself on a shirt with one or more deceased hip hop stars, you will die. It's plain and simple. Someone warn Missy before its too late! If I were her I'd especially avoid twin engine cessnas and Honduran backroads. Just sayin'.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Plow and Hearth: Garden Statuary Edition

For the past 3 months I have been getting spam from something called "Plow & Hearth," which I assumed was some kind of weird cult and/or Amish fetish porn site. However, today I finally clicked on the link and discovered that it is in fact a treasure trove of useless shit for the home and garden! So come with me, if you will, on an adventure through the mystery, wonder, and horror of the Plow & Hearth catalog...

From a young age I have been obsessed with lawn decor like elves, gnomes, flamingos, and jockeys (jaykay, I'm not a racist), so naturally the first area I clicked on was the "Garden Statuary" section. Of course, they have the classics like various gnomes and Jesae, which were to be expected. However, they also had some items which were a little...disquieting. Take these little guys, which can be yours for just $74.95::
Unnvervingly titled "Blackbirds Revenge," the short description says "Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie? Not this time!" Basically, this piece is the artists interpretation of what would happin if the family of the blackbirds from that nursery rhyme come back to enact some country justice on you for baking four and twenty of their closest relatives. It's described as a "thoughtful" gift, which I guess is true. If the thought you are trying to inspire is terror.

Even more creepy than "Blackbirds' Revenge" however is P&H's line of "forest faces," which are resin faces that you can attach to trees, I guess to scare the shit out of your neighbors/people wandering in your back yard.

Why would anyone want to put a fucking face on a tree?! Especially the ones above, which look like they are in the middle of catcalling you/saying how good your tits look in that blouse. Theres something way too Evil Dead-y about this...

However, what by far wins the prize for "Creepiest Thing to Affix to a Tree" are their Halloween Forest Faces, which come in two varieties: Warwick Davis:

and face-eating demon cat:

Ok, I get that these are for Halloween, and are thus supposed to be scary. But these are like, pants-shittingly so. I mean, you do want people to actually come see your house, and not run screaming in the opposite direction, right? Or maybe thats what you want, you weirdo.

Anyway, there are far too many great items to include all of them in this post. Maybe I'll do a sequel later on. But, suffice it to say, if you are bored and in the mood to be visually stunned and assaulted, the Plow & Hearth catalog is definately worth a visit.

Funnee Tymz with the WBC

Ok, first things first, the Westboro Baptist Church are horrible people, we know this. But, I never noticed how hilarious their press releases are until they wrote one that wasn't focused solely on my faggy damnation. While reading their most recent release about Sarah Palin (whom God also hates, apparently) I wa struck by the release's in-your-face sassiness:
"POMPOUS PHONY PALIN NEEDS TWO DAYS TO PREPARE HER WORDS THE PEOPLE OF GOD HAVE THE WORD OF THE LORD THAT IS TRUTH IN THEIR MOUTHS GOD IS ROOTING YOU OUT AND THROWING YOU DOWN BY THE WORDS OF HIS PROPHETS ... Yes, that’s correct. Your little darling of the conservative world, VP pick Sarah Palin, is a phony pompous pretend pseudo-“Christian” pervert! We said it! And you know it’s true."

They talk like Wendy Williams! "Yeah, thats right, I said it! Sarah Palin is a pervert! And gurrrrrrl you KNOW its true! How you doin?"

It also reminds me of that Amy Poehler hypoglycemic, one legged SNL character. Shirley Phelps-Roper is all, "Yeah, I hate fags. Jealous?" ::hop hop::

The whole batshit press release, full of snake-and-other-slithering-creatures-bow-down-sessions, abortion tea parties, and thank God for Gustav gems can be found at Good As You if you're interested. It's always good now and again to be reminded about how hilariously nuts these people actually are. It makes them way less threatening.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Fatally Attracted

Let me just preface this by saying that I am quite late to the party on this. Like, over half a decade late. But, I just watched Fatal Attraction, and it is fucking AMAZING.

Reason 1: It doesn't hold back

Anyone who knows me knows that this movie is right up my alley. Along with Basic Instinct and Single White Female, it is one of the seminal oversexed crazy murderess films of the early nineties (also, for some reason I lump Showgirls in with this genre too, even though plotwise they're very different. But you know they work, right?) These movies pull no punches, and let their stars be as batshit crazy as they wanna be, resulting in (mostly) unintended hilarity.

And Fatal Attraction possibly takes the cake. For instance, when Michael Douglas wants to end the affair, Glenn Close doesn't want him to leave. In a lesser movie, her character might threaten blackmail, or cuss him out, but not our girl. Don't want him to leave? SLIT YOUR WRISTS AND RUB YOUR WRIST BLOOD ON HIS FACE! Then he has to stay!

Or perhaps in the most famous scene, whats a girl to do when the object of her insanity changes his numbers and hightails it out of the city to hide in the country with his family? How's our girl supposed to leave crazy messages anymore. Why, resulting to the oldest trick in the book re: getting an ex lover's attention: boil his 4 year old daughter's pet rabbit on the family stove and leave it for his wife to find! That's sure to remind your lover why he should come back to you! Right...?

Reason 2: Glenn Close is....a sex symbol?

Yes, I know that she was much younger when this was made, and yes I know the character is supposed to be sexy. Maybe its because the later era Glenn is fresh on my mind, but I just don't understand how this woman could ever have been seen as a sexual icon, albeit a walnutsbonkersapeshit one, but an icon nonetheless. Its like the director was just like to Glenn "Oh yeah...shes very sexual. You'll be the new Helen of Troy!" and then realized that...fuck...its Glenn Close. So, they just told the hair person to tease the fuck out of her hair in hopes that it would distract people. But, I think the choice of Glenn Close as Alex Forrest works. Her face carries crazy surprisingly well.

Reason 3: French Cut Panties

Seriously, theres a lot of them.

So, in conclusion, SEE THE MOVIE IF YOU HAVEN'T YET! And if you haven, rewatch it. Watch it with Basic Instinct and Single White Female all in one sitting. Alone. In the dark. While crying and listening to opera and alternately turning the light on and off with a vacant look on your face. Please? Seriously. Watch it. I won't be ignored!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Applebottom Jeans, Boots with the Fur

Everyone loves that song "Low" by Flo Rida, right? Right. How could you not? Well, you know, the one thats all "shawty had them applebottom jeans, boots with the fur..." And then later talks about her baggy sweatpants and reeboks with the straps. Am I wrong, or is that song kinda.....gay? Like, for a thug he seems to be a little too concerned with what said shorty is wearing while she gets low, and not the applebottom itself. I like to fantasize about all queeny lyrics that went onto the cutting room floor before the applebottom line was decided on:

"Fabulous dress, hot pink Manoloooos! OMG You are such a Carrieeee"

"Tease out that hair, line those eyes! That shade of lipstick looks great!"

Oh man, the possibilities are endless. Basically Flo Rida has morphed into Fred Schneider in my head.