Friday, February 26, 2010

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Alexis's Mother, Plain and Tall

Bzzzzzzz! That's the sound of Alexis's mother's face being violently sawed off with an electric turkey carver. Other stuff happened this week too! Let's begin.

First up, there's Vicki who, according to the description of this episode on my DVR, came back to Orange County to "lick her wounds" after the fight in San Francisco, like some sort of orange wildcat. How did she lick her wound? By seeking comfort with her neglected, tossed-aside former friend Jeana and a pitcher of margaritas (natchs). Now that all the ladies are being mean to her and stuff, Vickles McPickles has realized that Jeana wasn't that bad of a friend after all. Or, now that nobody wants to be around her, she'll begrudgingly go back to smelly old Jeana. Take your pick.

Jeana interviews that she thinks Vicki is kind of getting what she deserves, since Vicki didn't have Jeana's back during her time of need, and now Tamra is doing the same to Vicki. Karma! Also, is it just me or does Jeana seem pillier and pillier each time she appears? She's gotta be taking something. But yeah, poor Vicki.

While Vicki is crying alone in the dark in her McMansion, Alexis gloats by flying her mother out from Colorado for a celebratory re-facing. Ms. Titty McGee, Sr. arrives, and boy does she look different from her daughter! Where Alexis is all plumped up and covered in makeup, her mother is very plain and simple. How did such a terribly pornstar-faced woman slither out of such a plain modest womb? Mysteries of life!

So anyway, Alexis says her mom is coming out for an eyebrow lift, but the poor woman ultimately gets roped into basically having her entire face replaced. One gets the feeling during her doctor's consultation that this isn't exactly what she signed up for... but she goes through with it! Yay?

Before that though, we are treated to an awkward lunch between mother and daughter where Alexis mostly condescends about how simple and plain her mother is, and how fancy and refined she is now that she lives in California. Seriously, it's like she thinks because she moved out here and had two sandbags bolted to her front she's somehow classier or more fancy than the rest of the country. Dude, people move to California every day. Doesn't make anyone special.

One exchange between mother and daughter I particularly liked was when momma clowntits was like "Ahh shore do like that dern bubble waters you done gave me! Drink it every day! WOOO HAW!" and then Alexis is all, in condescending baby talk voice, "I know, isn't it good. It's called Pellegrino." As if it were some sort of very exclusive fancy drink, and not something that comes in a plastic bottle you can buy at 7/11.

So anyway, her face is hitched up to a horse and buggy and ripped off, and we move on to Lynne! Yes, Lynne and her fried lump of a husband are still on the fritz from the Great De-housing of 2009. She has Tamra over to her mother's house, where she and the girls are staying, to talk about things. Lynne is all "Ahhhhhjusdunno if I cannnnnfergiveim" and Tamra is like "Aw, keep it together. You love him" and Lynne's like "Ahhhhdunnooo, ahjussssssdunno." Seeing Lynne angry and indignant is really weird. Well, actually, seeing her do anything real is kind of weird, since it's emotion filtered through Lynne's Gak-consistencied brain. So it's always like, "Oh, this is how Lynne does joy" or "Oh, so this is Lynne's take on righteous indignation! Interesting."

But I digress. Moving on. Possibly based on Tamra's "advice," Lynne agrees to have dinner with her husband, and while she does her best to keep her face set on "stern," she ultimately cracks a smile and forgives the old lug. How sweet?

What else happened with that plotline...oh yes! Lynne's demonspawn meet and talk about how like, totally unfair this whole thing is, and like, WTF? Let's like, totaly move to LA. Like PEACE. OUT. OC.

Seriously, that's basically what they said. Terrible.

Another terrible thing was Gretchen's big cosmetic debut at the dubious "Women's Expo." Gretchen paid a bunch of money for a big fancy booth to sell her wares, and then it turned out that like 4 people (including a lady in running gear?) wound up coming to the event. So, there goes thousands of dollars down the drain. I see "Gretchen Christine Beautee" going the way of Rodeo from Rock of Love's barbecue sauce line. If there's two things people should know by now about being on reality TV is that you will not launch your singing career and you will not launch a product line from being on this show. Sigh...nobody ever learns!

Lastly, Tamra had a birfday! Homegirl turned 42 and she's "proud of it." Right. So, the first of her 2 birthday celebrations was getting day drunk with her "ho's and 'mo's." It was mainly hos though, with only 2 'mos, but whatever. They all get sloppy and start hooting and screeching and wondering why Vicki isn't there to have fun with them too! Since it was 11 on a Tuesday, Vicki had to work, so she sent her gay assistant to deliver a present to Tamra, which is kind of a shitty thing to do. I mean, I get she has to work so she can't get sloppy in the middle of the day, but she could have at least delivered the present herself. But whatevs. The lunch ends, and they all swerve and crash their SUV's all the way home.

For birthday celebration number 2, Simon takes Tamra out to a fancy Italian restaurant. Things start out well enough, but ultimately the two start fighting and saying passive aggressively mean things to each other. Well, mainly Simon is just a dick. When Tamra tries to get a little romantic since it's, you know, her birthday, Simon tells her that all of his friends think she's trashy. Happy Birthday! Seriously, what a dick.

Annnnnnnnd yeah, I think that was all, right? Next week there's some sort of weird weddingish thing that takes place, and Tamra and Simon have a huge blowout fight where she demands a divorce. Yeees! Things are happening!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Showdown in 'Mo Town

So! Once again I have let too much time lapse between recaps. Apologies! Apoguesadilla!

Basically, in the episode before last, Lynne got evicted, the ladies went to San Francisco, made a scene in a fancy restaurant (involving almost everyone dry-heaving), and everyone was mean to Vicki. Oh and Breanna might have cancer. All caught up? Good.

So anyway, we pick up where we left off, at Sunday brunch in San Francisco, with the ladies all attacking Vicki for being a bitch, which she kinda is. Still, I felt a little bad for our porcine princess just because you can tell that this totally isn't how she saw this season going. She thought she was going to rule the roost now that Jeana was gone and she is the only OG housewife, but alas, Titty Tuesday is gunning for the position.

They all yell at Vicki about how she was rude to them at Lynne's party when she said they don't work (which, again, they don't), and Vicki gets hyperdefensive and storms out. Her world-weary daughter (oh yeah, she's there too), reprimands the ladies about how catty and childish they're all being, and then goes outside to comfort her mother.

The ladies soon follow, and the fight continues outside. Alexis is all "You are rude! How could you say I don't work!" and then Vicki is like "You don't! You wanna be housewife? Own it!" and I am like "YES! VICKI! VICKI!" Seriously, if you told me last season that in the future I'd be rooting for Vicki, I would have pushed you to the floor, held a knife to your throat, and screamed "TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT BACK!" What a world we live in.

The ladies ultimately come to an awkward truce, ending the brunch with Alexis saying an awkward prayer, asking God not to kill Briana. She's all "Dear Lord, we know you can do miracles Lord, you parted the Red Sea with your Lordiness, Lord Lord. Lay hands Lord Briana miracles miracLALAMASHEEKIMALAMAHAYA!" (that last bit was her speaking in tongues, which she didn't actually do. Artistic license!)

After the weird brunchfight ends, the ladies hop on the next aeroplane out of San Francisco and head back to the decaying sun-scorched wasteland they call home. Once there, it's back to reality, which for Lynne means being reminded of the fact that she doen't have a home.

Lynne doesn't have a home because she and her whole family, much like the rest of Orange County, and our country for that matter, have been spend-spend-spending beyond their means, and now that the money has stopped flowing, they can no longer afford the lifestyle they never really could to begin with.

However, according to Lynne, it's because her husband is a mean jerk who hid things from her and didn't tell her the real story, and that's the narrative she's sticking with. So, she and her equally indignant daughter head over to the hotel where dad has been staying, and yell at him about how he is a mean smelly jerk. To remedy the situation, dad pathetically offers "We could take a vacation?" Acting as if 1) they actually have money to do that and 2) stuff like that isn't the reason they're in this position in the first place. Ugh! These people!

So while that business happening, Gretch-n-Slade are heading off to the scorched desert to have a fun vaycay with Gretchen's parents at Merv (do you think they called him "Merv the Perv" back in the day?) Griffin's old house. Yes, apparently the deceased tv impresario's home is now a bed and breakfast. Weird, right?

So anyway, Gretchen's mom totally hates Slade because he is a sleazebag, but her dad is indifferent to him, so Slade confides in Mr. Gretchen that he has something big he wants to ask Gretchen (WINK WINK). However, he winds up not asking said thing when Gretchen goes off on a tirade about how marriage is a sham and people should be able to "lease" their partners, allowing them to trade up to the nicer model in a few years.

Aaaaand, that was basically that episode. Oh! Except there was also a scene where Tamra and Simon have dinner and talk about Lynne's situation and how they might lead to divorce. This was obviously edited post Barney family disintegration, since a lot of emphasis was placed on the couple's views on divorce.

So this concludes this week's recap...1 week late. Whoops! I'm a slacker. See you tomorrow=ish for the recap of tonight's episode!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Everyone hates Vicki.

Welcome back to burnt-orange Orange County, where the sun, like the breasts of our protagonists, never sets.

This week we saw Tamra make an ill fitted tattoo decision and a disastrous dinner party at Lynne's, among other things. Let's begin, shall we?

As mentioned, we begin this week's episode with Tamra, who decides that the best way to save her rapidly imploding relationship is to have Simon's name tattooed forever on her ring finger. Which, obvs didn't work, since they be divorcin' and shit, but whatever. It was worth a shot? So, she rolls up to the tattooery with her sleazy son and goes through with this horrible decision.

Next, it's on to Lynne, who is terrifyingly operating her cell phone while driving her automobile. Seriously, you know she ran over at least 30 people. What would Oprah think? Anyway, the purpose of said call is to apologize to Alexis for getting all slops-n-slurs at her dinner party, and also to invite her to her housewarming party that she'll be having. She promises no drama, and just fun times and good wine, so Alexis obviously agrees.

After Lynne runs over her third toddler on a tricycle, we move across town to Gretchen, who is heading to Miss Piggy Enterprises to get advice on finances and business. You see, Vicki is a successful insurance saleswoman, so she obviously will have a lot of tips for Gretchen's vanity makeup business. Gretch goes over to "pick at her brain" about money matters, and Vicki is mostly polite, but does make a few digs about Gretchen getting money from Jeff and Slade not having a job and all. Which is maybe a little mean, but also definitely a lot true.

While that's happening, Titty Titty Bang Bang and Slimer with a goatee zoom off to Palm Desert for a romantic weekend getaway. En route, Slimer chastises his wife for only bringing ONE bikini for the whole trip, since OBVIOUSLY they'd be laying out both days, not just ONE DAY. Why one needs a different bathing suit for each day is beyond me, but he eventually tells her he'll just buy her a second one, causing her to squeal in delight. Ugh.

The two arrive at the Marriott in Palm Desert, where they intially met. Awwwwww. Except not at all, since the place looks very 1989, and they met when he picked her up by the pool, probably by telling her that he liked her rack.

The two check into their "Presidential Suite," which looks an awful lot like the Golden Girls set, and then head downstairs to dinner at the hotel restaurant, "Tuscany's" (ASIDE: I HATE when places do this, make a noun nonsensically posessive. Like when people go "Hey, I'm gonna order from Pizza Hut's, you want anything?" Yes, I want you to not turn Pizza Hut into a person. That's what I want. God!). At the restaurant, Slimer tells T.T.B.B. what type of wine she will like and what she won't. Romantic.

After dinner, she says that they're going to head up to the room to watch a movie, and do "what comes with a movie." I'm not sure what she means by this, but I'll bet it rhymes with "bitty ducking."

After a whatever scene of Gretchen picking out ugly shit to adorn her makeup showbooth with, we move to Tamra as she embarks on a real gritty Harley hog ride up the coast. And by gritty Harley hog ride up the coast I mean she and Simon ride 5 miles with some of their old friends to some weird beach bar named Mutt Lynch's. EXTREME!

Once they arrive at the bar, they all order neon green shots and disingenuously declare their love for one another. After the shots are squarely down their gullets, Tamra decides to show her finger surprise to Simon. Not that finger surprise! I'm talking about the tattoo! Pervert...

Anyway, she does so by weirdly stuttering about how she doesn't like secrets, and isn't sure how to tell him this, until things build up so much that he thinks she is cheating on him. Right before he is about to kill her, she says "OMG I GOT A TATTOO! AHLUVYU" He looks a little blindsided at first, but ultimately appreciates it, and says "This means we're gonna be together forever!" Except no, no it doesn't.

Once that happens, we move on to what will take up the last half of this episode: Lynne's housewarming party. We arrive as she is pouring "Bitch" wine intp milk bottles. Yes, the wine is called "Bitch" (True Story: at Gelson's I saw this wine on the shelf right next to a wine called "Sassy Sisters." Girls night!).

The first guests to arrive are Tamra and Simon. Almost immediately upon arriving, Lynne forces them to do shots and then do squats up against the wall. Ahhh, the ol' shot-n-squat, a classic. Lynne then takes a freshly baked cake out of the oven and places it promptly under glass, so it gets nice and steamy (seriously, did anyone else see this?! Who puts a freshly baked cake under glass?!), and then they head outside to the bar, where everyone proceeds to get drunk and talk about how great they all are and how they're all such good people. Very freshman year college party bonding-ish.

Soon the rest of the guests arrive, one after the other, and the party begins. Lynne shows Gretchen the 'Bitch" wine, not-so-subtly insinuating that Gretchen is also a bitch, and Vicki has a weird fake conversation with Slimer where she both winks at him and gives him a thumbs up.

Since she is three sheets to the wind by this point, Tamra starts getting real Slurry Cruise and tells Vicki that she HAS TO TAKE THE BOOTY CLASS WITH HER AND LYNNE! Vicki protests that she has to work, and can't take 3 hours in the middle of the day to work out. Tamra retorts through clenched teeth "Put. Work Aside. And Come. Work. Out. And then. We'll have. Lunch." Alas, while she makes a good point, Vicki stands her ground. Seriously, no wonder these ladies are bankrupt. Get a job!

Tamra then tries to force Vicki and Simon to make up, but that of course blows up in her face since they're like cats in a bag. Simon gets all "Stay outta my marriage!" and then Vicki gets all "Then don't bring me in your marriage!" and they yell and yell.

Eventually, Simon calls Vicki a bitch and storms out of the party. Well, actually he just goes to the porch and pouts like a baby. Tamra eventually comes outside and they both cryyyy and he talks about how much he hates Vicki.

Eventually, Princess Bee-in-Her-Bonnet comes back inside and rejoins the party just in time for Lynne to slur "Dinersssss reddi!" They all sit down, and of course, Vicki and Simon wind up sitting next to each other. Dramaaaa!

Over greasy looking sliders and salad (classy!), they swap "how we met" stories. Lynne and Frank met in a yogurt parlor when Frank checked out Lynne's baby-oiled legs through the window (very 1987), Tamra and Simon met when she saw him doing an "all male tush push" (I really hope it looked like this, Swedes and all) at some sleazy cowboy bar in Anaheim.

Slimetits met, as mentioned earlier, at the pool of the sleazy Marriott. She goes on and on about the mundane details of their encounter, describing how Slimer was "tanned, shaved, and just ripped." Shudder. Vicki is none to pleased by this drawn out snoozefest, so she and Don mime falling asleep at the table, which while maybe a little rude, is not THAT bad. Alexis totally overreacts and gets real mad.

Once this happens, it's like a switch is flipped, and things start to deteriorate fast. Someone brings up the Florida incident, and Don says he wasn't invited, and then says that he has to work because he "has a job." This causes EVERYONE to fly off the rails and start hooting like a bunch of monkeys, because how dare he say the true fact that none of them actually have a job. Seriously! They don't! Selling tequila out of the back of your truck, owning a pawn shop, selling makeup, and "raising kids" when you have 3 nannies are not, in fact, real jobs.

This is the last straw, and Vicki and Don leave in a huff. Almost immediately upon their leaving, everyone bitches about how mean Vicki is, and Vicki cries in the car about how mean everyone is, while Don is all "oh whatever, who gives a rat's ass." Love him.

And that's that! Oh wait, except the next day Lynne's older but still terrible daughter is served with an eviction notice at their house. So much for a housewarming!

So yeah, everyone hates Vicki, but yet they all appear to be going to San Francisco together next week. Also, Lynne and Frank fight about the eviction, and Brianna may have cancerous nodules. Oh no!