Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Sheree's chokehold on the fashion industry and NeNe's chokehold on Kim.

Time. It comes and goes as quickly as the daily wigs gracing Kim’s skull. It seems like only yesterday these ladies came back into our lives, and now they are leaving us again. Sigh…all is well that ends well. Except it didn’t end well. Not by a long shot.

Things in Atlanta are running at a frenzied pace as Sheree and Dwight make some last minute alterations to the She by Sheree “fashions.” Well, mainly Dwight micromanages and yells at people about seams needing to be pressed while Sheree looks aloof and mumbles into the phone to somebody about basketball tickets. For someone who claims this show is her baby, Sheree sure does seem to not give a shit about it. Maybe she’s just tired.

Over at the Wu-Hartwells, Lisa and Ed have some real talk about their finances. With Ed leaving football, he says that they’re going to have to downsize and move into one of their investment properties: specifically the house he lived in before they got married. Lisa seems a little nonplussed by this, but makes sure to mention over and over again that the smaller house is still a mansion. I see them totally pulling a Vicki and Don from OC and ditching that small house for their bigger one within a year.

While that’s going on, NeNe has some words with Gregg. See, Mr .Leakes is none too pleased that NeNe chose to meet her possible biological father Alan, a dude Gregg is pretty skeptical about. While I get that Gregg is worried about NeNe's feelings and that kind of stuff, I think he's being kind of unreasonable here. I mean, she just wants to meet her dad, it's not like she's promising to buy him a Bentley or anything. Yet... Ok, maybe he has a point.

Since apparently it's also Mother's Day in Atlanta, Kandi throws a big party with a bunch of people who are assumedly mothers or something. The party is very sweet, and Kandi's mom even takes AJ aside and makes amends, telling him that if Kandi's happy, then she's happy. The whole thing is very heartwarming, except that when you take into account the recent events with AJ's passing, it's actually kind of really sad.

Later, Kim has her gay stylist (who you'll remember from last season when he made that whore schoolgirl tube-top dress for her) over to gussy her up for Sheree's show. The two have wine in ridiculously long-stemmed glasses and talk about , who else, NeNe. Kim says NeNe is still pissed about not being a part of Tardy for the Party and won't let that shit go. The gay says something in his weird southern lilt about NeNe being jealous.

Next, Lisa and Ed go over to their potential new home to scope the place out. Ed has been using it as a storage facility so it doesn't look in tippy-top shape, but it still seems nice nonetheless. They keep talking about adding closets, new driveways, and a bunch of other gigantic renovations. Call me crazy, but doesn't doing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of renovations kind of defeat the purpose of downsizing your house to save money? Paging Suze Orman!

After a commercial break, it's time for a bizarre Rashomon-esque she-said-she-said involving Kim and NeNe. Apparently, off camera there was a big confrontation at Bow Wow's mom's boutique (which is always an awesome location for a knock-down-drag-out fight). Since we don't get to witness it first hand, we learn of the altercation from Kim relaying to Kandi and NeNe talking to Dwight (in his ridiculous evil puppet lair). According to Kim, NeNe ambushed her in the boutique and started screaming at her about the record. Then, allegedly, she put her hands around Kim's neck and started to choke her. Kandi sagely wonders in her interview what Kim did to warrant a choking. Love her.

On the flip side, NeNe says that Kim had her hands in her face and was screaming, and then Kim slapped NeNe's hands, and that's when she went NUTS! NeNe says that as a formerly abused woman, she'll never let anyone touch her again. She is a little ambiguous about what happened after that, which makes me think that she may have actually choked Kim after all, but we'll never know since they're both compulsive liars.

We're not allowed to dwell on that for too long, however, since finally, at long last, the event you've lost days of sleep over has arrived! The She. By. Sheree. Fashion. Show. We head over to the W, where things are approaching a fever pitch preparing for the big event. Well, mostly Dwight is just babbling about fashions and accessories like his usual puppet self, while Sheree worries about her hair. Seriously, she says she is going to leave the show the day of, three hours before show time, to get her hair did. Fortunately, Dwight convinces her this is a ridiculously stupid idea, and she stays.

Dwight makes some alterations on the dresses (since it turns out designs tailored for a muscular, possibly enlarged womanhood-sized body like Sheree's don't necessarily translate to model sizes), and works on the accessories. He goes big, since he says it's better to overkill than to underkill. I think this pretty much sums up Dwight's whole life philosophy in a nutshell. ALSO! Dwight says the show has to "shut it down." Do you think Bravo made him say this as some sort of RZP crossover? Does Rachel actually have a nationwide catchphrase? Amazing. Anyway, for all his bitchitude and assholiness, Dwight seems like he actually knows what he's doing, even if he is a horrible underminer.

While that tornado is going, a different sort of storm is brewing over at Kim's condo. Looks like NeNe is on her way over so the two can discuss the Showdown at Bow Wow's Mom's Corral, although I don't think anything good is going to come out of it, since both ladies attitudes are pretty much "fuck that bitch, she's crazy." But, they meet nonetheless, and basically resolve nothing. Kim maintains that NeNe choked her, and NeNe still says that it was Kim who laid her hands on her first, and Tajomaru still claims that he only fought and killed the samurai because the samurai's wife begged him to. Guess we'll never know the real story.

Anyway! Back at the W, it's time for the fashion show to start! All the who's who of Atlanta arrive one after the other looking very chic. Lisa shows up donning one of Kylie Minogue's tour castoffs, and the rest of the ladies look presentable enough, although Lisa definitely looks way more dressed up than anyone else at the show, and thus a little out of place.

NeNe is a total class act at the show, demanding an apology from Kandi (which is ridiculous since NeNe is clearly in the wrong on that one), and saying that she'd rather pluck out her toenails one by one than talk to Kim. So understated and refined, that one.

On to the show! The clothes all look good enough, though in my opinion kind of boring. However, Sheree puts forth a show that doesn't look terrible, and is actually wearable, so all in all I call it a success. Afterwards, everyone congratulates Sheree and says they want to wear her clothes. Kim particularly wants to wear the see-through silk shirt, and Sheree looks a little too excited at the prospect of seeing Kim's titties. Speaking of which, did anyone else notice Tania's absence at the show? Trouble in paradise perhaps?

So, that was that, end of season 2. Like the RZP, I'm a little disappointed by this season's offering. I mean, it made me like KIM for god's sake. Hopefully next season will be better. I'm excited for the reunion show, since apparently NeNe was none too pleased by how she was portrayed on the finale. Hopefully this translates to some sort of smackdown of Andy Cohen. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Anyway, this is me, signing off on season 2! Farewell ladies of the south, I hope we meet again soon. Stay tuned in two weeks, when we begin the new season of where it all began: the OC. From the previews, this season looks post-apocalyptically insane. Exciiiiiiiteeeeeed!

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: The Life and Times of NeNe Leakes.

This week on the RHOA we took a journey into the psyche of Ms. Lennethia “NeNe” Leakes. Where did she come from? Where is she going? From what tiny, humble spore did the magnificent mushroom we now know grow from? All questions were answered.

But first! We open on Sheree and Kim as they meet to plan Kandi’s engagement party at (GASP!) the very same restaurant where this season’s infamous wig-shifting took place. Both ladies muse at how far they’ve come, and what tremendous fences they’ve mended. The two share a glass of wine, and Kim teases Sheree for doing “that fancy shit” with her wine (i.e. swirling and sniffing it), which we know from earlier episodes Kim is decidedly against. She says it’s because she “knows what she wants,” and clearly what she wants is a bottle of chardonnay down her gullet pronto.

After the wine and dialogue, the ladies go on a tour of the venue to see if it’ll be right for the party. Both ladies particularly like the upstairs patio: Sheree for its views, Kim because she can “have a cigarette up here!” They’ll take it!

While that’s going on, NeNe makes the arduous trek out to far off Athens, Georgia with Uncle Mel and her biographer in tow to show them her roots. Is it just me or does the fact that her hometown is called “Athens” give this whole trip a Homer-esque quality? Anyway, she shows them her humble beginnings in sleepy Athens, pointing out modest homes and “all these damn trees!”

After a brief driving tour, NeNe takes everyone to her mother’s house, explaining that her mother was really young when she had her, so NeNe was effectively raised by her Aunt Nell while her mother split her time between New York and Georgia. Up until now they had made it seem like NeNe came from a working-class background, but when we arrive at her mother’s former home, that shit is a mansion! Columns, brick, “fly doorbell,” the works. Who knew?

Back in the ATL, the first batch of pieces from the She by Sheree line have arrived, so Sheree has her friend who dines at the Y, Tania, over to check them out. Overall, they look great, and Tania remarks at how proud she is of her lov-ahem- her friend. Sheree tries on all the outfits, which have been designed according to her size since she views herself as perfectly proportioned. Sheree sashays and chantés around in the outfits while Tania platonically tells her how hot she is and admires her tiny waist.

Tania becomes incredulous after Sheree mentions she is having Dwight plan her show even though she’s never seen any of his work first hand. Tania demands that she call him and put him on speakerphone, which Sheree does. Dwight answers all “What?!” and is a huge, barely-lucid bitch. Such a grumpy puppet! The two have an awkward, unfriendly conversation that leaves Sheree with reservations about her decision to work with him. (Side note, whenever I type “Sheree,” my spell check always marks it as incorrect, and suggests “Sheeree” instead. What the fuck is a “sheeree?” Someone who’s just been shorn? Just thought I’d share. Or rather, just thought I’d sheeree.)

While that mess is going on, Kandi and AJ are heading to a dubious “Christian counselor” to meet with Kandi’s mother and hash out their issues. Kandi’s mom describes AJ as a truck that is on course to hit Kandi and destroy her, among other glowing analogies. So, obviously the conversation goes nowhere, and they leave feeling the same way they did coming in. Though, it is brought up that Kandi doesn’t want a pre-nup, which strikes me as a little risky, but whatever.

Later, Kim has be-heeled Tasmanian devil-bodied wigonista (and Dlisted Hot Slut of the Week) Derek J over to make her pretty for the engagement party. He surprises her by by bringing the prototype wig from her wig line with him and says he wants her to put it on. Outrageously, after cruelly teasing us with the promise of a wigless Kim on-screen, Bravo lets us down by panning to the floor as the creature is removed. We return to see her mannequin face nestled under a brand new wig, which admittedly looks much better and more real than her old mop.

Kim says that she likes to go through THIRTY WIGS A MONTH! One per day! Derek urges her to scale back, and maybe change her wigs once every couple weeks or so. Wig expert I am not, but even that seems mighty excessive. Anyway, Kim likes her new look, and literally screams into the mirror “GOD I LOOK SO GOOD! DAMN IT!!!!” like she is legitimately angered by her beauty. (Also, has anyone else noticed the nude portrait Kim has of herself in her bedroom? It looks like she is leaning over a motorcycle too. Stay classy!)

After Wigmania 1983, everyone heads to Kandi’s surprise party, which winds up being really sweet and fun. That is, until someone suggests to Kandi’s mom that she should do a toast, at which point things become really awkward and uncomfortable. Everybody squirms for a few minutes until she finally musters up a half-assed toast where she basically says “well, let’s wait and see.” This woman needs to simmer down.

Back in Athens (which in real time probably took place before the party), NeNe and her crew head over to her Aunt Nell’s house to show everyone where she was raised. Aunt Nell is supremely bizarre, with a nearly unintelligible falsetto voice and dark, drawn-in eyebrows. Now we know where NeNe gets her weird from. We’re shown kind of adorable pictures of NeNe when she was a child, as well as some of her looking very Toni Braxton-y in the mid 90’s. Such a chameleon, that one.

Next, Sheree has Dwight over to take a look at the sample pieces. He is predictably an asshole, sucking his teeth and saying “mmhmm” while critiquing all the items unnecessarily as if he has actual fashion training. He says Sheree has “no clue” what she’s doing in regard to style, but being as this is coming from someone who looks like Madame in a zoot suit, I’d take this with a grain of salt.

Across the Aegean in Athens, the crew leave Aunt Nell’s house and begin to head home, but as they’re leaving Uncle Mel gets a call from Alan, the mysterious man claiming he is NeNe’s father. He says he wants to meet, but doesn’t want them to come inside, and he doesn’t have much time. What a dick! “Hey, come over, but uh, yeah, stay outside, and I uh, got about 10 minutes.” Anyway, NeNe has a bit of a freakout but finally agrees. When she sees him, she audibly gasps because, in her words, he “looks a mess.” The dude seems kind of shady and not too friendly, but he says he’d like to meet with NeNe again one-on-one, when Uncle Mel (and presumably a Bravo film crew), aren’t around. NeNe looks a little disappointed as she says she’s willing to bet money that Alan is her father. Dramatic!

And so the stage is set for next week’s season finale, where it appears NeNe has a meltdown of Greek proportions. She fights with Gregg over meeting Alan, fights with Kandi at Sheree’s fashion show, and apparently chokes Kim for a yet-to-be-determined reason (YEEEEEEEEEEEEES!). So, basically, y’all should be excited.

Guys! Guys!

OMG! Real Housewife of New York/fabulous Muppet Jill Zarin is following me on Twitter! Unprompted! I've arrived!

I have no idea how she found me. I'd like to think it's because she secretly reads my blog, though I sincerely doubt that. Jill? Are you there?



Jill?!

Rachel Zoe Recap: Jessica Stamz and Taylor dramz. The season comes to a close!

Physical! Physical! Come on and get physical! In a pair of Dior pumps and thigh high leggings. That was the theme of the shoot Rachel had to style for V magazine on this, the final episode of Season 2.

Rachel tells Brad that the concept is Olivia Newton-John “Physical” meets “Xanadu.” This, coupled with the fact that Brad is wearing impossibly tiny short shorts as she talks to him, makes this the gayest scene in RZP history. Hurray! Here is a trophy. Rachel says that Jessica Stam will be the model in the shoot, so looks like this may actually be a big time deal. Kadooz, Rachel!

Rachel talks to Brad about how she hasn’t been able to get in touch with Taylor, which segues to footage of Taylor driving her car and repeatedly ignoring Rachel’s calls while snorting and saying “ughhhhhhhhhhh.” Such a ray of sunshine, that one.

While Taylor is busy stealing all the presents in Whoville, Brad heads over to American Apparel to pick up some 80’s inspired workout gear. He’s greeted by an obnoxious hipster gay named Johnny, who some people who are as obsessed with TV as me may recognize from that one episode of “The Girls Next Door” when Kendra goes to the American Apparel factory to pick out shirts for the Playmate baseball team. Anybody? No? Ok, well, anyway, Johnny, who is like a cross between Paul Lynde and Leonardo DiCaprio’s character from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape,” shrilly gives Brad a tour and asks him to gay marry him, while Brad looks really uncomfortable. It’s a rare situation when Brad is the butchest person in the room, but this is the case here. Brad thanks Johnny for the clothes and quickly makes his exit as Johnny shouts “Shtupp my tuchus!” after him.

Back at the studio, it’s serious time! Taylor has finally mustered up enough courage to air her grievances with Rachel. They talk about the Paris issue, and Rachel reiterates that Brad should have stepped up, but Taylor says that she wanted Brad to go. She comes off as very level headed in this argument, and after Taylor threatens to leave, Rachel finally agrees to take her along to more branding opportunities and that sort of thing. So I guess Taylor succeeded?

(Before we move on, can I just say, Taylor’s demands are a little unreasonable. Like, it’s a company of 3 people. Of course when a new branding or moneymaking opportunity comes up it’ll be Rachel who’s mainly involved with it. It’s not like she’s working for some huge fashion house or anything. Reel in the expectations, girl.)

Anyway, as a peace offering Rachel takes Taylor to New York City to meet with a company she is partnering with to put out a fragrance. The ladies don their lab coats (why do people always have to wear lab coats when they play with fragrances?) and head into the “lab.” After sampling a few fecal perfumes with obnoxious names like “Hollywood,” Rachel finally picks a fragrance she likes for it’s earthy smell. Rachel tells everyone that she used to dunk herself in patchouli oil in college, which immediately makes me picture Rachel, nude in a candelit bathtub full of scented oils, hair adorned with daisies and ribbons, as a sitar plays softly in the background. Oh what I would give to see her in her crunchy phase…

After the sinister scent labs, it’s off to Pennsylvania to visit the QVC headquarters, which is decidedly not buh-nanas. The two are there to hawk Rachel’s line of faux fur vests, which are hideous. It was really enjoyable to see the QVC hostess try to sell the vests as if they weren’t horrible. Give that woman an Oscar! But whatevs, it makes Taylor and Rachel happy, so good for them.

They head back to LA where they have to jump back into planning the V shoot, which everyone is freaking out about because they only have 48 hours to style the whole thing. However, Brad is able to “wrangle a Gucci tunic” among other things, so the planning panic is resolved rather quickly, as usual.

Next it’s time to cast male models for the shoot. They say they want beefcake muscley models, but they mostly get ricecake skinny boys. However, at the eleventh hour a retarded but well built gentleman by the name of (San) Leandro arrives, golden pecs glistening in the noonday sun, and the day is saved. Rachel and Brad get all girly and giggly and tell San Leandro he’s hired.

Later, Rachel’s dad comes for a visit and they talk about nothing of note. The same usual babble babble stress babble babble Taylor babble babble faux fur vest. Moving on.

The next day, it’s the big V shoot! Everyone shows up stressed out and pissy, and Jessica Stam looks all cokey and bitchy and “whatever, I just take picture and make hundreds of thousands of dollars.” Girl does dress up nice though, and can take a pretty good picture. They pose her in a series of segments with dumb-as-Melba-Toast Leandro, but get behind and are only able to shoot 6 segments instead of 8. Rachel touts the photo shoot as a success, but to me 75% of your promised delivery isn’t much of an accomplishment. It’s all about spin!

Back at the studio, Taylor tells Brad and Jordan to help her move stuff. When they refuse, she bitches them out and screams “YOU DON’T RESPECT ME!” before storming out of the room like a gigantic straw-haired chain-smoking baby.

Meanwhile, Rachel’s “vertigo” has morphed into “sinus migraine,” so she and Rodger make a return visit to Dr. Cwynar (pronounced KWEE-NAR, like a Klingon), who tells her she needs to scale back on the stressful activities. While I’m sure she’s probably right, I doubt that “de-stress your life” is the answer to all that ails her, and I also noticed that “eat right” wasn’t part of her recommendation. See a real doctor, not this dietician quack! So anyway, KWEE-NAR tells Rachel to de-stress or she will die. Die!

Shaken by the news that her job is killing her, Rachel calls a team meeting with Brad, Taylor, and Rodger. Taylor shows up wearing sunglasses, and refuses to take them off like an asshole. Rachel announces that in order to preserve her health, Rodger will be taking over as business manager for the Rachel Zoe brand, and his first order of business will be to build a ball pit and a bouncy castle so he can giggle and yell “BOUNCE-A BOUNCE-A BOUNCE-A!” Just kidding, he actually acts pretty businesslike, and Brad and Taylor are all “WTF?” That is, until Rachel announces that she will be making Taylor “Head of Product Development” and Brad “Head of Styling.” So, everyone got promotions, sorta, and Rachel got to not die.

And there you have it. Season 2 all wrapped up in a neat little bow, all of a sudden in the last ten minutes of the episode. This season was definitely a little lackluster, so here’s hoping next season will fare better. I wonder what’s in the cards? Rachel gains 100 pounds now that she’s not working as much? Brad gets a mean coke addiction to keep up to pace with the styling? Taylor creates a new line of Rachel Zoe-brand feminine hygiene products? So many possibilities!

Shutting it down on RZP season 2! What will I do with my Mondays now?

Unclear.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Dwight's Mooseknuckle is Burned Into My Retinas.

People got real philanthropic this week down in the city of peaches and cream. NeNe helped out battered and broken ladies, Dwight “helped” Sheree plan her fashion show, and Lisa helped her husband end his dreams of ever playing football again. Give them all a medal! More on all of this later.

But first! We begin our episode with Kim as she shops for clothes for her self described “mess” of a daughter, sans said daughter. She wants us to think that the store is very high end, but to me it looks about Kmart level, which makes the 600 something dollars she drops there even more incredible, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Kim invites Kandi along to the store to clear the air about skipping her big musical performance. Kandi gives Kim the most side eye I’ve ever seen in one show, but ultimately forgives her and the two talk about Kim’s “engagement” and other boring topics. Kim buys a bunch of terrible clothes for her monster child and the two head home.

Later, NeNe and Lisa meet to talk about the upcoming event NeNe is planning for her charity, Twisted Hearts, which benefits battered and abused women. Both women were former victims of abuse so are keen to help out. Some of you may remember this charity from last year’s Battered But Not Broken Big Hat Brunch. Well it’s brunch no more! This year’s event will be a high-heeled shoe race called “Heel the Soul” (Get it? Get it?). A bunch of ladies are going to put on heels and race each other, which somehow will raise money for battered women. Sponsorships maybe?

Next, in a rather heartbreaking scene, Lisa’s husband Ed works out with his trainer while continually wincing in pain from his tore up muscles. The trainer says that he could be putting his body at serious risk, and he should think of his family. Lisa shows up and says basically the same thing. Ed reluctantly agrees that it’s time to hang up the cleats and Lisa does everything in her power to contain her glee by trying to look sad and concerned.

On the other side of Atlanta, Sheree and Evil Gay Howdy Doody scope out the W Hotel ballroom facilities for the upcoming She by Sheree fashion show. Dwight completely takes over the planning and launches into an epic monologue about how the show will go, reminiscent of his tirade during the planning for his party earlier this season (IF THERE’S SHRIMP I WANT THEM TO BE CRISPY AND COOL! IS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE A LEOPARD? GIVE ME MORE!). The expression on the W party planner lady’s face is priceless. She has clearly never experienced Hurricaine Dwight before.

There is a mild dispute when Sheree brings up airing her terrible She by Sheree commercial during the show. Seriously, the thing is awful. It’s just a bunch of women in front of a green screen saying “She is _______" like some sort of Mad Lib (“She is pregnant! She is a bitch! She is a she-wolf in the closet!). So, it makes sense that Dwight says airing it at the show is a bad idea. But, since Ms. Whitfield is the HBIC and paid a hefty sum to produce the monstrosity, it is staying. Done!

After a brief visit to Kandi’s, where she frets about reentering the music industry, we move on to NeNe’s big “Heel the Soul” stiletto extravaganza! NeNe talks about all the people who are showing up, saying “we even got our gay guys on site.” Unfortunately, said on-site gay is none other than Demon Puppet Dwight, clad in a vomit-inducing skintight catsuit which makes it uncomfortably obvious that Mr. Eubanks enjoys going commando. It’s horrifying, guys.

Speaking of gays, the ladies are suddenly interrupted by an oversexed big-haired drag queen at their door. After a bit of confusion, the ladies realize it’s their old pal Clippers, here from LA just for the race! Clippers and Dwight meet, and Clippers says, dripping in double entendre, that he’s heard “big things” about Dwight, and I barf all over my apartment. Blech! Time to bleach my brain.

Anyway, NeNe, Lisa, Poppet of Satan, Clippers, and a few others pile into a party bus and head to the race course, which actually has a pretty good turn out. All the stiletto-clad ladies and gays line up, and after a countdown, THEY’RE OFF! Dwight leads the pack at first, but he’s quickly passed by a gay Usain Bolt. Seriously, the dude showed up in full on runner gear and heels. Awesome. So anyway, Gaysain Bolt zooms past all the trotting ladies and wins the prize. After huffing and puffing and wheezing and whining, NeNe finally catches her breath and heads to the podium to give the winner an award (which was clearly meant for a woman, but whatever). She and Lisa give half-assed speeches that amount to basically “Abuse is bad. Stop it” and the race is over. NeNe says next year she wants it to be bigger and shut down Peachtree Street. Good luck with that…

While the ladies in the ATL were stomping the streets and breaking their feets, Kandi is off in LA for her big meeting with Capitol Records. She meets with LV, the head of their “Urban Music” department to discuss her upcoming album, which she wants to call “Blog.” This may be one of the worst names for an album ever, except for that one Fiona Apple album. By the look on LV’s face, he agrees.

Anyway, after the two chat, LV officially tells Kandi that Capitol would love to have her on board. Yay! I honestly hope her album does well, since she is one of the only housewives in this entire goddamned franchise that I don’t want to fail. After they shake hands, the two head up to the roof of the building and take in the view to celebrate. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Across the country, the Wu-Hartwells lay in bed with their sleeping baby all posed and shit and talk about how they want to have another child. And turns out, Lisa is irregular! So, she runs off into the bathroom to pee on a tiny machine, and then comes back to bed with it (ew) so they can wait for the results. After a few minutes, waa waa, looks like she’s not preggo. Lisa says she’s disappointed, though her body expression belies that feeling. So many hidden emotions in this episode! Ed says that when it’s supposed to happen it’ll happen, and he’ll just have to keep pumping her full of semen until it does.

Finally, that evening NeNe meets with her “favorite” Uncle Mel, who is Curtis’s brother. The two have wine and talk about Curtis and how he hasn’t talked to NeNe since the revelation that she wasn’t his daughter. Mel says he’ll get over it, and he isn’t mad at her. They also bring up some character named “Allan” who is a friend of Curtis’s and is claiming that he’s NeNe’s father. Mysterious!

Looks like next week we’ll get to meet this mysterious father figure, who I am hoping looks like NeNe in a suit. Also, and more importantly, if Bravo’s hints are any indication, it looks like next week we might get to see Kim…WIGLESS! Please let it be so!

ALSO! PLEASE check out this feature The Atlanta Journal-Constitution did on Dwight’s house. It’s amazing. You won’t regret it.

Frankie Break!

So, this isn't a full post or anything. But! I saw this picture of Frankie on Dlisted and nearly crapped myself. It's breathtaking.



Also from the Dlisted post is this gem: "Frankie is also working on a perfume called "HOLLA" and a shoe line called "CODE 10."

Hear that? Pretty soon you too can smell just like Frankie, what I imagine is a heady mix of body odor, cigarette smoke, and Henny. Better get in line, that shit is going to go quick.

Rachel Zoe Recap: La mante à Paris.

Well folks, we’ve reached the penultimate level of this weeks-long glimpse into the abyss known as the Rachel Zoe Project. I for one am glad it’s ending. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy watching this mess, but I think a few more episodes and my patience would be gone.

Anyway, this week, Le Camp du Zoe va a Paris. Well, Le Camp du Zoe sans Taylor, le femme discontent perpetuelle (this is fakey French, I believe). That’s right, Rachel, with Brad, Rodger, Marisa, and Makeup Gay in tow, fly off to that gleaming continental city of lights. As she lounges in her opulent hotel suite, Rachel says that she feels bad about Taylor not being able to come, and that she should be there. Well Rach, if you wanted Taylor to be there, why didn’t you, I don’t know, BRING HER! She proceeds to unpack an obscene amount of luggage while Rodger sits and quietly makes a doody in his pants.

After the gang all unpack and get settled, Rachel and Brad head off to the Christian LaCroix show, a designer I know mainly for the repeated mentions in AbFab. They watch a series of lace clad skele’ins strut down the runway and Rachel mutters something about “Parisian Chic.” Afterwards, Rachel weasels her way back stage and talks to LaCroix as if they are best friends, but it’s obvious he has no idea who she is.

Next up they go to a show by Ungaro, which I remember nothing from but feel like I should mention. Moving on.

Back in LA, Taylor and Intern Jordan are working on some looks for Eva Mendes, Jennifer Garnder, and Demi Moore, who it seems are their only clients. Seriously, all they do is style these three women, and while I guess they’re all pretty famous, I can’t see how styling them supports such an expensive production. Maybe Rachel is engaging in some human trafficking on the side to earn some extra income. Just a theory. Can you imagine though? “Brad, these Thai children are buh-nanas. Let’s edge them out with a romper and a sheepskin vest.”

A Paris, Brad and Rachel head to their private appointment to see Coco Chanel’s apartment, preserved as if she were still living in it. The place was nice, but kind of struck me as a really fancy version of the Winchester Mystery House. They both queen out like it’s some sort of big deal, though I think anyone with enough money/with a TV crew can get a private viewing of this place.

After the two finish shitting themselves in ecstasy and change their pants, they head to the Stella McCartney show. Rachel sees Paul McCartney and shits her dress again, and Brad has some drama about finding his seat. Rachel interviews that she liked the show and wants the chunky knits on her body, which sounds like some sort of euphemism for a disgusting sex act.

Afterwards, everyone heads out for some sightseeing. They all wind up at a fancy vintage store, ostensibly looking for a present for Taylor, although all that happens is Rachel buys a Chanel suit and forces Brad to buy a mediocre Dior trench for thousands of dollars, like a couture drug pusher (his words).

Across the pond in LA, Taylor is freaking out because a corporate client they had been styling for didn’t like any of the looks they gave them, so they need to find a whole new selection. After Rachel does some damage control, she sends Brad to get looks from twee forest elf Erin Featherston there in Paris while Taylor scouts out looks in LA. Between the two of them they get enough of a selection, and everything works out in the end.

After the fire is extinguished, they head off to the John Galliano show for some ridiculous clothes and fake snow (like snow snow, not the snow Rachel blows up Rodger’s butt during sex). Afterwards, Rachel says that she wants to “go see John” (again with the faux bff familiarity), and after an awkward minute talking with the designer, proceeds to raid the shoes from the show and pretends to eat them. Can’t take that woman anywhere, I swear!

After Galliano, it’s time for the main event: The Chanel Show. Rachel gets good seats while Brad is put in the nosebleeds. He remarks that it was strange that out of the packed house, the only vacant seat was next to him. He says it’s like Taylor was meant to sit there, though I like to think it’s because Brad can’t stop farting so they left a buffer zone around him. Again, just a theory.

Once the show ends, Rachel heads backstage to talk to terrifying zombie fashion overlord Karl Lagerfeld, looking as Lagerfeldy as ever. He strikes me as someone who probably smells like formaldehyde and doesn’t eat enough fiber. He is surprisingly cordial to her, and the two pose for a few pictures.

Afterwards Rachel and Brad have a big gushy tea and talk about how fortunate they are to be who they are. Brad marvels at how a boy from small-town Canada could amount to all this! You know, a probably very underpaid assistant to an emaciated she-mantis. He has ARRIVED. The two cry tears of joy.

After the emotiontea, Brad calls Taylor and the two awkwardly chat for a few minutes until Taylor says something bitchy and hangs up. Trouble’s a-brewin, y’all!

But Brad doesn’t have enough time for that though, because he has to go to the Marc Jacobs for Louis Vuitton show. The clothes look pretty good, though Marc Jacobs himself looks meth-faced and emaciated. Seriously, dude needs to put down the pipe and eat a cheeseburger.

After the show, Rachel goes and talks to Marc, one of her self-proclaimed “closest friends” to gush. He seems vaguely annoyed and gives off a major “get the fuck away from me vibe.”

Back at the hotel, Rodger gurgles “G-g-g-giiift? Piiicture?” and hands Rachel an album he jumbled together from pictures he took on their trip. Rachel is all “Awww baaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyy” and the two do gross affectionatey stuff.

In LA, Taylor’s parents come visit her at the studio, and she complains to them about her job issues. The two intense characters basically tell her to sack up and stay in her job.

And that ends the second to last episode! Next week bettah bring the dramz, since this week basically nothing happened. Which is kind of weird, because that means I just wrote 1000+ words about nothing. What a life.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Don't be tardy for our lesbian wedding.

There were a lot of parties in the ATL this week, and nobody was tardy for them. There were some no shows though.

Our weekly visit with the worst ladies on earth begins with Kim, as she does some location scouting for she and Kandi’s joint-birthday party at the obnoxiously titled Asian-fusion restaurant “Aja” (get it? It sounds like “Asia” but is spelled CRAAAAZYY). She interviews that since they both have the same friends in the music industry, it’s only natural they’d be friends. What friends does Kim have in the industry? And no, hooking up with Snow in the backseat of a Subaru in 1993 doesn’t count.

Anyway, Kim interviews that she wants this party to be real classy. No cheap booze, no mini burgers, no nothing. A real class act. She also wants no NeNe whatsoever. She did say that she wasn’t going to have a VIP, which I thought was endearing, since having a VIP at your own birthday party is a total dick move.

Across town Kandi and her (sadly now deceased) fiancé are unpacking her newly replaced gold and platinum records, which apparently had gotten stolen. Who knew that you could just call up a company and re-order gold record plaques? Learning! If I were her I’d order a dozen gold copies of Bug-a-Boo and make a dress.

Looking at all the hits she’s made was actually pretty impressive. She’s written songs for a lot of pretty big artists, making her possibly the only RH cast member who is legitimately famous/successful. At least for now. She talks about her impending solo album, and hopes it’ll be as big of a hit as the ones she’s written on.

Back at Lisa’s house, she and NeNe meet to rehash the fight at Sheree’s party. My boyfriend mentioned that you can totally do a queer read into the drama between these ladies. Like, NeNe and Kim were lovers, and then Kim left NeNe for Sheree. Then, Kim left Sheree for Kandi, and now they are having a “birthday party” (a.k.a. secret Atlanta gay wedding) and not inviting NeNe. This is some L-word shit. NeNe also calls Kim a “dirty low-down monkey with a wig on,” which made me giggle.

Speaking of queer reads, later Sheree meets with Dwight to discuss her show and her upcoming line. Apparently the enchanted gay ventriloquist’s dummy is “helping” her. He mainly helps by shitting all over her ideas much like he did at Lisa’s show. Sheree interviews that she found this annoying, but what the hell did she expect? It’s Dwight!

Meanwhile, Kim goes to Kandi’s studio to record, chauffeured by Big Papa, who is hidden behind the tinted windows of his Bentley. Maybe Big Papa is actually Queen Latifah, and that’s why he’s kept a mystery? Theory!

Kim records the rest of the verses for Tardy for the Party, which sound terrible. However, the sound tech assures her that he’ll get her in key, which is an understatement. That song is so autotuned they could have had a Speak and Spell do it and it would have sounded just as good. Actually, that probably would have been better. DIBS! I CALL IT! Whoever makes it owes me money!

Also notable about this scene is how ridiculous Kim’s lips look during her interview. Seriously, they look like a puffy horizontal vajayjay. Is it just me, or is Kim slowly morphing into Lauri from Real Housewives of OC?

The next day, Sheree flies to New York with her scissor sister Tania to check on her line. After checking into their romantic hotel, the two “friends” go over to the seamstress’s studio to look at the pieces. Sheree is unimpressed by the Ms. Swan-esque character’s creations, and asks her to redo some of the items. I thought the designs looked decent, but then I’m sure Sheree would say anything wasn’t up to par, since in her mind such behavior somehow equates to good taste.

Back in Atlanta, Kandi rehearses for her upcoming “I’m back” performance. Half-way through, her manager arrives wielding a long black cane like some sort of very intense pimp. He yells at everyone to tighten up and give more energy. Then the ladies all lay on their backs and raise their hips into the air while he screams “THRUST IT! THRUST IT!”

After the thrusting, it’s TIME TO PARTY, ZOLCIAK STYLE! After getting ready and saying goodnight to her terrible spawn, Kim arrives at the party wearing feather covered shoes and a gigantic rock on her ring finger. Apparently, Big Papa proposed to her that night. Which is sweet and all, except, as everyone mentions behind her back, isn’t he like….still married? But whatever, they let Kim have her moment.

Kandi arrives soon after her lover/friend and tells Kim that she knew Papa was going to propose, since he’d asked her opinion on the ring. So, Papa knew that Kim belonged to Kandi, and had to ask her permission to marry her? Interesting.

Later, the ladies debut their song and everybody loves it. Which makes some sense. Awful or not, it is catchy. I guess. The party ends with the two lovebirds sharing their birthday cake and talking about how wonderful it is that in this wild, mixed-up world these two crazy kids found each other. They promise to always support one another.

Except not really, since Kim no-shows at Kandi’s big performance the next day. Kandi interviews that it would have been nice to have Kim there, since she would have done the same for her. The honeymoon is over! So much for scissorhood.

Kandi does a good job though, in spite of Kim’s absence and an impossibly tiny stage. The songs were pretty catchy too. Maybe she’ll have a comeback after all.

Next week it looks like NeNe is organizing some sort of Battered-But-Not-Broken-Big-Hat high heel race for her charity. This would be hilarious, but it involves Dwight in underwear, which looks positively vomit-inducing. Make sure to bring your buckets next week.

Rachel Zoe Recap: This woman is the worst boss ever.

This week was all about mental illness. Rachel has it. Big time.

I don’t know about you guys, but I spent this past week on pins and goddamned needles wondering whether Rachel would die or not after last week’s cliffhanger. Except not really at all.

Either way, this week it was resolved! The episode opens on Brad and Taylor talking about Rachel’s “illness.” Taylor says that Rachel might actually die. And not like, shutting it down die, for reals die. They both put on a good front and say that they will hold down the fort in der fuhrer’s absence, but they wonder what will happen if she actually dies. SHE IS NOT GOING TO DIE, SHUT UP!

Meanwhile, Rodger takes Rachel to a suspicious “hospital” called the Cwynar Center to meet with a “doctor” regarding her “illness.” After some quick Googling, it appears that the Cwynar Center specializes in weight loss and nutrition, both things that Rachel Zoe will obviously be familiar with. Well, not so much nutrition, but weight loss at least. Either way, I doubt that this “doctor” specializes in the treatment of actual illnesses. Unless your illness is your fat ass.

So, they go in, and the bebotoxed and berestalyned doctor tells Rachel that she has “vertigo” (which I always thought was a symptom and not a disease, but whatevs). Rachel characteristically overreacts and says she is in “fucking hell.” This scene really made me hate her a lot. Her, and Dr. Cwynar, and Rodger, and this whole goddamned city. People acting like they have goddamned cancer when what they really have is “all I eat is diet pills and I drink 20 gallons of black coffee a day.” GAAAAH!

Anyway, after the break we cut to Rachel, a couple days later, and she is (surprise surprise) feeling much better. She meets with the owner of Decades, her favorite vintage store, to discuss an upcoming collaboration she is doing with them. They’ll be doing a retrospective of sorts of all her jewelry. Rachel says that she has so many pieces, and she just wants to get rid of them, so they’ll be selling them and donating the money to charity. And by charity I mean cocaine up Rachel’s nose. I kid, I kid! It’s actually for cancer research. Booooring.

Since the jewelry retrospective will be told as a narrative of Rachel’s life (gag), she has her sister Pamela over to go through some old photos for inspiration. They look at the photos and reminisce about their good times, but all I could think about was how much of a Jewish beauty Rachel used to be. It’s amazing what blonde hair and losing half your body weight will do to change a person's ethnic identity. Anyway, they talk about stupid shit and pick out a few photos.

The next day Team Zoe meet at the studio where Rachel drops the bomb that they will all. Be. Going. To. Paris. Fashion. Week. Brad queens out and Taylor looks like she’s actually excited for the first time ever. Maybe things are turning a corner!

Except they’re not, because in the next scene Rachel tells Rodger that she just found out (yeah right) that they have 3 jobs coming up, so all three of them can’t go to Paris. Rachel decides the best way to pick who will go and who will stay is to e-mail both of them and then hope that Brad volunteers to stay back. She must have learned this in her seminar, entitled “How to be the Worst, Most Passive-Aggressive Manager on the Face of the Planet.” Seriously, who does that?! Obviously the actual best course of action is to just decide who will stay and who will go. Terrible.

Anyway, back at the studio Brad and Taylor talk about the e-mail, and quickly get into an argument about the whole situation. Taylor says that Rachel was hoping that Brad would volunteer, which causes him to get all flushed and angry. He says that he feels like he was being tested, and says how (appropriately) pissed off he is. Taylor tells him he should talk to Rachel.

Except he can’t, because Rachel is off to her fabulussssssssssss show at Decades, which winds up being really elaborate and fancy. Rachel talks to prospective buyers about how each piece of jewelry represents a part of her life, and they are all precious to her. This strangely reminded me of the scene in Les Miserables when Fantine sells her hair for money. Weird. Anyway, the show is actually pretty cool and humanizing. Again, BORING.

Later in the studio, Taylor tells Brad that she just spoke with Rachel who told her that she wants Taylor to decide who will stay and who will go, adding a new level of bullshit to this whole situation. Brad says that it should be Rachel who decides since she’s the boss, and Taylor agrees. But, this isn’t the case, and Taylor says that while she had been looking forward to going she thinks Brad should be the one to go because he deserves it and it’s his dream. The whole scene winds up being really heartwarming. What is with Taylor being nice this episode? It feels weird.

Brad still decides he needs to give Rachel a talking to, so he heads over to her house to meet. He tells her how pissed he was about the way she chose to handle the Paris issue. She is evasive and noncommittal, and tells him to leave the whole thing behind in LA and forget about it. Yes, ignoring bad feelings and bottling them up inside you is totally the best course of action to resolve conflict, always. Did Dr. Cwynar tell you that? Rachel does admit that she fucked up though, which is something.

So that was that episode. I really liked Rachel last season, but each episode this season makes me like her less and less. Why must she be such an idiot all the time?

Also, what is up with the fucking Bing endorsements this season?! Everything is “Bing” this, “Bing” that. Have you ever actually used Bing? It sucks! Stop telling me to use it, Bravo!

Anyway, next episode promises Paris and passive aggression, so get ready to claw your eyes out, America.