Monday, October 5, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Don't be tardy for our lesbian wedding.

There were a lot of parties in the ATL this week, and nobody was tardy for them. There were some no shows though.

Our weekly visit with the worst ladies on earth begins with Kim, as she does some location scouting for she and Kandi’s joint-birthday party at the obnoxiously titled Asian-fusion restaurant “Aja” (get it? It sounds like “Asia” but is spelled CRAAAAZYY). She interviews that since they both have the same friends in the music industry, it’s only natural they’d be friends. What friends does Kim have in the industry? And no, hooking up with Snow in the backseat of a Subaru in 1993 doesn’t count.

Anyway, Kim interviews that she wants this party to be real classy. No cheap booze, no mini burgers, no nothing. A real class act. She also wants no NeNe whatsoever. She did say that she wasn’t going to have a VIP, which I thought was endearing, since having a VIP at your own birthday party is a total dick move.

Across town Kandi and her (sadly now deceased) fianc√© are unpacking her newly replaced gold and platinum records, which apparently had gotten stolen. Who knew that you could just call up a company and re-order gold record plaques? Learning! If I were her I’d order a dozen gold copies of Bug-a-Boo and make a dress.

Looking at all the hits she’s made was actually pretty impressive. She’s written songs for a lot of pretty big artists, making her possibly the only RH cast member who is legitimately famous/successful. At least for now. She talks about her impending solo album, and hopes it’ll be as big of a hit as the ones she’s written on.

Back at Lisa’s house, she and NeNe meet to rehash the fight at Sheree’s party. My boyfriend mentioned that you can totally do a queer read into the drama between these ladies. Like, NeNe and Kim were lovers, and then Kim left NeNe for Sheree. Then, Kim left Sheree for Kandi, and now they are having a “birthday party” (a.k.a. secret Atlanta gay wedding) and not inviting NeNe. This is some L-word shit. NeNe also calls Kim a “dirty low-down monkey with a wig on,” which made me giggle.

Speaking of queer reads, later Sheree meets with Dwight to discuss her show and her upcoming line. Apparently the enchanted gay ventriloquist’s dummy is “helping” her. He mainly helps by shitting all over her ideas much like he did at Lisa’s show. Sheree interviews that she found this annoying, but what the hell did she expect? It’s Dwight!

Meanwhile, Kim goes to Kandi’s studio to record, chauffeured by Big Papa, who is hidden behind the tinted windows of his Bentley. Maybe Big Papa is actually Queen Latifah, and that’s why he’s kept a mystery? Theory!

Kim records the rest of the verses for Tardy for the Party, which sound terrible. However, the sound tech assures her that he’ll get her in key, which is an understatement. That song is so autotuned they could have had a Speak and Spell do it and it would have sounded just as good. Actually, that probably would have been better. DIBS! I CALL IT! Whoever makes it owes me money!

Also notable about this scene is how ridiculous Kim’s lips look during her interview. Seriously, they look like a puffy horizontal vajayjay. Is it just me, or is Kim slowly morphing into Lauri from Real Housewives of OC?

The next day, Sheree flies to New York with her scissor sister Tania to check on her line. After checking into their romantic hotel, the two “friends” go over to the seamstress’s studio to look at the pieces. Sheree is unimpressed by the Ms. Swan-esque character’s creations, and asks her to redo some of the items. I thought the designs looked decent, but then I’m sure Sheree would say anything wasn’t up to par, since in her mind such behavior somehow equates to good taste.

Back in Atlanta, Kandi rehearses for her upcoming “I’m back” performance. Half-way through, her manager arrives wielding a long black cane like some sort of very intense pimp. He yells at everyone to tighten up and give more energy. Then the ladies all lay on their backs and raise their hips into the air while he screams “THRUST IT! THRUST IT!”

After the thrusting, it’s TIME TO PARTY, ZOLCIAK STYLE! After getting ready and saying goodnight to her terrible spawn, Kim arrives at the party wearing feather covered shoes and a gigantic rock on her ring finger. Apparently, Big Papa proposed to her that night. Which is sweet and all, except, as everyone mentions behind her back, isn’t he like….still married? But whatever, they let Kim have her moment.

Kandi arrives soon after her lover/friend and tells Kim that she knew Papa was going to propose, since he’d asked her opinion on the ring. So, Papa knew that Kim belonged to Kandi, and had to ask her permission to marry her? Interesting.

Later, the ladies debut their song and everybody loves it. Which makes some sense. Awful or not, it is catchy. I guess. The party ends with the two lovebirds sharing their birthday cake and talking about how wonderful it is that in this wild, mixed-up world these two crazy kids found each other. They promise to always support one another.

Except not really, since Kim no-shows at Kandi’s big performance the next day. Kandi interviews that it would have been nice to have Kim there, since she would have done the same for her. The honeymoon is over! So much for scissorhood.

Kandi does a good job though, in spite of Kim’s absence and an impossibly tiny stage. The songs were pretty catchy too. Maybe she’ll have a comeback after all.

Next week it looks like NeNe is organizing some sort of Battered-But-Not-Broken-Big-Hat high heel race for her charity. This would be hilarious, but it involves Dwight in underwear, which looks positively vomit-inducing. Make sure to bring your buckets next week.

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