This week was all about mental illness. Rachel has it. Big time.
I don’t know about you guys, but I spent this past week on pins and goddamned needles wondering whether Rachel would die or not after last week’s cliffhanger. Except not really at all.
Either way, this week it was resolved! The episode opens on Brad and Taylor talking about Rachel’s “illness.” Taylor says that Rachel might actually die. And not like, shutting it down die, for reals die. They both put on a good front and say that they will hold down the fort in der fuhrer’s absence, but they wonder what will happen if she actually dies. SHE IS NOT GOING TO DIE, SHUT UP!
Meanwhile, Rodger takes Rachel to a suspicious “hospital” called the Cwynar Center to meet with a “doctor” regarding her “illness.” After some quick Googling, it appears that the Cwynar Center specializes in weight loss and nutrition, both things that Rachel Zoe will obviously be familiar with. Well, not so much nutrition, but weight loss at least. Either way, I doubt that this “doctor” specializes in the treatment of actual illnesses. Unless your illness is your fat ass.
So, they go in, and the bebotoxed and berestalyned doctor tells Rachel that she has “vertigo” (which I always thought was a symptom and not a disease, but whatevs). Rachel characteristically overreacts and says she is in “fucking hell.” This scene really made me hate her a lot. Her, and Dr. Cwynar, and Rodger, and this whole goddamned city. People acting like they have goddamned cancer when what they really have is “all I eat is diet pills and I drink 20 gallons of black coffee a day.” GAAAAH!
Anyway, after the break we cut to Rachel, a couple days later, and she is (surprise surprise) feeling much better. She meets with the owner of Decades, her favorite vintage store, to discuss an upcoming collaboration she is doing with them. They’ll be doing a retrospective of sorts of all her jewelry. Rachel says that she has so many pieces, and she just wants to get rid of them, so they’ll be selling them and donating the money to charity. And by charity I mean cocaine up Rachel’s nose. I kid, I kid! It’s actually for cancer research. Booooring.
Since the jewelry retrospective will be told as a narrative of Rachel’s life (gag), she has her sister Pamela over to go through some old photos for inspiration. They look at the photos and reminisce about their good times, but all I could think about was how much of a Jewish beauty Rachel used to be. It’s amazing what blonde hair and losing half your body weight will do to change a person's ethnic identity. Anyway, they talk about stupid shit and pick out a few photos.
The next day Team Zoe meet at the studio where Rachel drops the bomb that they will all. Be. Going. To. Paris. Fashion. Week. Brad queens out and Taylor looks like she’s actually excited for the first time ever. Maybe things are turning a corner!
Except they’re not, because in the next scene Rachel tells Rodger that she just found out (yeah right) that they have 3 jobs coming up, so all three of them can’t go to Paris. Rachel decides the best way to pick who will go and who will stay is to e-mail both of them and then hope that Brad volunteers to stay back. She must have learned this in her seminar, entitled “How to be the Worst, Most Passive-Aggressive Manager on the Face of the Planet.” Seriously, who does that?! Obviously the actual best course of action is to just decide who will stay and who will go. Terrible.
Anyway, back at the studio Brad and Taylor talk about the e-mail, and quickly get into an argument about the whole situation. Taylor says that Rachel was hoping that Brad would volunteer, which causes him to get all flushed and angry. He says that he feels like he was being tested, and says how (appropriately) pissed off he is. Taylor tells him he should talk to Rachel.
Except he can’t, because Rachel is off to her fabulussssssssssss show at Decades, which winds up being really elaborate and fancy. Rachel talks to prospective buyers about how each piece of jewelry represents a part of her life, and they are all precious to her. This strangely reminded me of the scene in Les Miserables when Fantine sells her hair for money. Weird. Anyway, the show is actually pretty cool and humanizing. Again, BORING.
Later in the studio, Taylor tells Brad that she just spoke with Rachel who told her that she wants Taylor to decide who will stay and who will go, adding a new level of bullshit to this whole situation. Brad says that it should be Rachel who decides since she’s the boss, and Taylor agrees. But, this isn’t the case, and Taylor says that while she had been looking forward to going she thinks Brad should be the one to go because he deserves it and it’s his dream. The whole scene winds up being really heartwarming. What is with Taylor being nice this episode? It feels weird.
Brad still decides he needs to give Rachel a talking to, so he heads over to her house to meet. He tells her how pissed he was about the way she chose to handle the Paris issue. She is evasive and noncommittal, and tells him to leave the whole thing behind in LA and forget about it. Yes, ignoring bad feelings and bottling them up inside you is totally the best course of action to resolve conflict, always. Did Dr. Cwynar tell you that? Rachel does admit that she fucked up though, which is something.
So that was that episode. I really liked Rachel last season, but each episode this season makes me like her less and less. Why must she be such an idiot all the time?
Also, what is up with the fucking Bing endorsements this season?! Everything is “Bing” this, “Bing” that. Have you ever actually used Bing? It sucks! Stop telling me to use it, Bravo!
Anyway, next episode promises Paris and passive aggression, so get ready to claw your eyes out, America.