Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Don't fret, though! I'll be back when I return, with new blog posts and recaps, including the return of "The Rachel Zoe Project," the world's most enjoyable show on the planet. So, until then, I bid you farewell, and leave this picture of Jade from ANTM, because that is what I will look like for the duration of this trip. Toodles!
Pic via FourFour
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Hurray! Finally an episode that didn't revolve around Weavegate 2010. Kind of refreshing and not headsplosion-inducing, don't you think?
We start out with the Giudice family playing a game of Monopoly, which is kind of hilarious seeing as they kinda live their lives like one giant game of Monopoly, all reckless spending and soaring success that immediately dovetails into crippling bankruptcy.
During the “Monopoly game” (read: daughters screeching and climbing on things, the littlest ingesting several hotels like a tiny Italian Godzilla), Teresa brings up she and Joe’s impending 10 year anniversary. Not by saying something like “Wow, how great, I love you” or anything like that, but with “Hey girls! What should daddy buy me!” I love how the reason for their current financial situation becomes more and more clear which each episode this season.
Next, we pop over to Danielle, who is engaging in some reckless spending of her own! See, Christine, her daughter/supermodel/basket into which she puts all of her eggs hopes and dreams, is turning 16. This is a very momentous occasion, her living 16 years, and requires an extravagant party to celebrate. Christine seems pretty whatever about it, but Danielle is dead set, so this shit is going to happen! Don’t worry though, the party is “for charity.” It’s unclear exactly what this means though. Are they selling tickets? Are they going to donate money? Probably what they are going to do is the tried and true celebrity staple of “raising awareness,” wherein people have a “charity event” where all they do is talk about something serious, at some point. (I still remember an episode of LA Ink where Cat Von D had a concert to “raise awareness” for cancer.) Sigh.
Moving on! After a brief stop at Caroline’s for the requisite weekly “what are you going to do with Ashley” chat, Jacqueline and husband head over to the Giudice’s for some…quality time, maybe? I couldn’t really tell what it was, since they didn’t eat a meal or play a game or anything. They mainly just drank wine and then segregated themselves via sex. Jacqueline and Teresa chatted like monkeys about how Joe better buy her an expensive diamond for their anniversary, and the menfolk talked about how Joe has no money and Teresa is expecting something huge. Shit like this makes me glad I’m gay.
Next it’s off to the Manzo household, where Albie has some exciting news! Apparently he has decided to join the police academy while waiting to get back into law school…? He justifies this by saying that police academy is “basically like law school” and it’d be really helpful for him to know how to “think like a cop” when he is a lawyer. Yes. Being a cop is just like being a lawyer. Yes. More likely, it seems like he’s doing this for backup in case he doesn’t get back into law school, but whatevs. They made him shave his head, which looks good.
But enough of the Manzos! It’s time for a private concert at the Staub hive! You see, Christine is not the only talented Staubspawn. No! Turns out the other daughter, Jillian, is a very talented singer-songwriter, who has been “songwriting” for about 3 years now (since she was 8?). So, since she is this huge talented singer, she has decided, TOTALLY on her own, with NO prodding from her mother, to perform a song at the big super sweet sixteen. Danielle proceeds to go into the other room to check on her progress, and after much prodding, gets her daughter to sing a few bars before daughter breaks down into a puddle of tears. Yay parenting!
While Danielle creepily coaxes her daughter into submission, we zoom over to the Giudice’s for Teresa and Joe’s big Giudiceaversary! A spectacular celebration, starting in an oh-so-romantic mid 00’s SUV ride to a heliport followed by a champagne drenched 1 hour helicopter ride over Manhattan (“Ay, wassat big park in da centuh of da city?”). After the pilot boots them out of the chopper, they head to the final part of the evening: a fancyish dinner at a sorta-nice hotel almost in New York Cityyyyyy! Tres romantique! The two eat big stupid steaks and drink wine out of big stupid glasses in their big stupid room while being attended by a big stupid butler. During the dessert course, the big stupid waiter brings a big stupid cake for Teresa that has a big stupid diamond ring in it. Teresa coos and squawks and hoots and hollers, and then the two have big stupid guidosex. Happy 10th babyyyyyy!
With that done, it’s FINALLY time for the big SUPERRRR SWEEET SIXTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN! Everyone is all gussied up and ready for a good time. While her daughters get ready, Danielle greets all the entering tweens like they are her peers and mugs in front of the step-and-repeat. Yeah, there was a step-and-repeat at a fucking child’s birthday party. Terrible.
Also in attendance was Danielle’s ex-husband and father of her children who showed up with new wife in tow. The guy looked way more normal than I thought he would. For some reason I was expecting some sort of greasy slicked hair Persian dude or something. Danielle and her ex were surprisingly cordial to each other, considering Danielle’s track record for crazy. She did decide to wear the engagement ring he gave her though, which is kind of nuts. But, not as nuts as she could have gone, so kudos to her.
After all the guests have arrived and the tweens have finished surreptitiously drinking Boone’s Farm out of Gatorade bottles, the events begin in earnest! First, Christine is carried out on the shoulders of a large black man, presumably supposed to be her bouncer or something? I don’t know, it didn’t make much sense. Maybe they couldn’t afford the four shirtless men dressed like Egyptians that most terrible girls have at their Super Sweet Sixteens on MTV.
After Christine makes her entrance, she tells everyone to STFU because it’s time for her sister to sing her song! Jillian gets on stage and sings a little Hilary Duff-ish diddy about loving her sister and it was cute. Everyone cheers, and Danielle gets on stage and is all “LOOK AT MY DAUGHTERS! MY DAUGHTERS! MY DAUGHTERS!” like a more jovial version of Angelina Jolie in Changeling. I believe at some point she also calls herself “the best mother in the world.” Which, just…yeah, no.
And that’s it for this week. Jacqueline also yelled at her daughter at some point re: weavegate, but it’s to the point where that literally happens every episode, so it’s not even worth mentioning anymore. Next week it looks like the shit really hits the fan between Kim G and Danielle and there’s a big blowup at a restaurant (where else) and Kim G tells Danielle she has no friends and “fake square tits.” Yowza! Can’t wait for that weird messy train wreck.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Country Club Smackdown: The Aftermath. That is what this episode dealt with. That, and so much more. Let's begin, shall we?
This week's episode begins at the Giudice foreclosure palace, where Teresa is busy preening/torturing her daughters to make them all nice and pretty to go out with their daddy to... taekwondo practice. Yeah, I'm not an expert on martial arts, but this seems unnecessary. In fact, wouldn't all those barrettes in their hair be potentially dangerous if they got kicked upside the head?
Which is, in fact, what happens. Sure, it started out with some martial arts-y stuff, kicking and stretching and stuff, but by the end of the practice Gia was just tossing her sisters across the room and slamming their faces into the practice mat for fun. It looked more like that Girl Scout catfight from Airplane! than taekwondo to me, but maybe I just need to study Korea's national sport more closely.
Next, in a nice bit of editing, we move on to another child taking fighting lessons. Only this time, it's a child in the body of a fortysomething sociopathic ex-con. Yes, Danielle, Dark Lord of Staub-dor, is taking self defense classes to learn to fight back against Teresa and her taekwondo child soldiers. She even learns a specific defense tactic for when someone grabs your weave. Really! She did! Things start to get kind of weird when the trainer names his right and left hands "Teresa" and "Jacqueline," and Danielle starts wailing on them. Her daughters give eachother nervous looks, like "Oh jeez, here goes mom being nuts again." Oh the things those eyes have seen...
Across town, Teresa heads over to Posche to apologize to Kim D. for making a big scene at her fashion show. Kim D. says it's no big deal, since she wants as much screen time as she can get. As a peace offering, she hands Teresa a gigantic mimosa in a pimp goblet and the two rag on Danielle for a little bit and talk about how great a person Teresa is. She maintains that she was just being friendly, saying hello and calling Danielle a bitch, and Danielle totally is the one who went nuts on her. I mean, Teresa wasn't confrontational AT ALL. NOT AT ALL. NOT AT ALL YOU HEAR ME YOU FUCKIN' PROSTITUTION WHORE! ::gobletsmashcutkimsface::
Just as Teresa is starting to get comfortable, Kim G suspiciously shows up at Posche dressed in a bizarre Muppet-skin vest/ knit cap ensemble that was both age-inappropriate and just plain in-general inappropriate. She's all "I don't care who you are Teresa, you gotta control ya temper" and Teresa is like "Shut up you crazy bitch, I ain't got no effin tempuh!" before pulling a razorblade from her snake's nest hairdo and carving a gigantic "T" into Kim G's face. See, totally calm.
After a brief interlude where Ashley's boyfriend tells her she is stupid for being obsessed with a weathered sea hag like Danielle, it's back to Teresa, who goes with hubby Joe to check out a mysterious building on the other side of town. Turns out this building is a pizza parlor (?) and apartment complext that Joe owns? Random, and totally not suspicious at all. The pizza parlor is called "Papa Giuseppe's" or "Mama Celeste's" or something and has a hilarious Mario-esque Italian caricature as it's logo. After checking out the facilities, they head upstairs to look at the apartments. The whole time, Joe makes awkward half jokes about how they are going to have to move in there when they lose their house. Like "Heah's where youah gonna cook my dinnuh when we's gotta move out of ouah mansion. Heh heh heh. But seriously, ya betta learn how to cook on a hot plate. Heh heh heh. No really, we're gonna be homeless." Teresa gives a half-assed "Whaaa, naw, youah crazy, we ain't losin' ouah house" but you can tell she doesn't believe it. It's actually kinda sad.
On a different day, at a different cafe, Danielle meets Danny and his creepy silent friend for breakfast. They start out shootin' the shit about Danielle's beauty and elegance and skinny figure before falling back on the whole weave-pull incident. Danielle talks about how she just feels sorry for Ashley because she's only a child and she's not even mad or upset, she's just sorry, because she's only nineteen. At this point Danny and creep's eyes have glazed over and they're just like "Uh huh, uh huh. Yeah. Uh huh." Danielle goes on and says how she really should press charges against Ashley because she needs a wakeup call and to learn consequences for her actions. Danielle is such an amazing nurturer. She should get a humanitarian award.
On to Caroline's (she really needs to insert herself in more plotlines) for happier news. Things are looking up for Albie! He got his precious letter from Seton Hall! It was all "Hear ye! Hear ye! We at great Seton Hall do hearby declare Albinius Manzo to be not entirely retarded, and capable of studying the laws of this fair nation at another instution of lower prestige than our own." And everyone rejoiced! Well, Caroline was sad because it may mean Albie will have to go to a prestigious law school out of state, but overall she's still happy that her boy is going to keep on truckin'.
Next, it's backa to-a da bigga Giudice Pizzeria! Ayyyy! The whole Giudice clan shows up to make a biggga family pizzapie. Mostly, the three Giudice daughters screech like howler monkeys and throw dough and sauce everywhere and scream "MOZZARELLA! CHEESE!" Then Gia wraps the youngest one in a ball of dough and throws her into the oven like some sort of macabre calzone. Just kidding, that didn't actually happen...yet.
After that fun little interlude, it's back to Terrortown 24/7, as Danielle, Kim G, and her pack of old ladies (one of whom looks exactly like Gail from Sunset Daze) head down to the courthouse to officially PRESS CHARGES AGAINST ASHLEY! Dun dun duuuuuun! That girl is going to learn! She will be HELPED by Danielle! Danielle is going to help the shit out of her!
Danielle's lawyers ask her side of the story, and Danielle is all "Ashley told me that she was going to get me and that she would kill me and then cut off my head and crap down my neck!" The lawyer was like "Did you hear any of that?" to the old ladies, who responded "Well, uhhhhh, we heard some very loud noises! Very loud." So anyway, charges have been officially pressed. Watch out Ashley!
The next day, Kim G has the balls to jog-shuffle over to Jacqueline's house to "talk." Jacky Tabaccy is none-to-keen on letting the wheezing old crone into her home, but since it's cold she agrees. Once in the house, Kim whips out the morning's paper that has a full-color photo of her, Danielle, Gail, and the other lady walking out of the courthouse arm in arm splayed across the front page. Jacqueline tells Kim she thinks she's two-faced and is shocked that she would come over to her house when she was photographed with Danielle like some sort of "busted up Sex and the City" (HA!) Kim G says that duh, of course she's two faced, but she really is friends with Jacqueline! To prove it, she says she'll go to the hearing with Jacqueline instead of Danielle. Jacqueline questions the wisdom of betraying a known sociopath, but looks like Kim G. is dead set on as much screen time as possible, regardless of the boatload of wrath she is going to incur from the Staub Beast. Point is, this lady is really dumb.
That was basically it for this week. There was also a scene where Caroline and Jacqueline give a futile attempt to get Ashley to recognize her mistake, but it was unsuccessful and annoying, so I'm not going to go into it. Next week it looks like theres going to be some sort of confrontation between Jacqueline and Ashley. Or something. Honestly, I don't even know. This season really is a big pile of dog mess, isn't it? Blech.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Ugggggh! I need to start taking a Xanax before I watch this show or something, because these ladies seriously stress me out. The whole cycle of Danielle being unhinged and drama happening without any resolution or comeuppance is just too much to handle! Or at least, it's getting there, since I still watch, obvs.
We start this episode right where we left, with Teresa calling Danielle a bitch, and then Danielle being all “That’s e-fucking-nough!” which I have to admit is kind of amazing. I wish people would punctuate with “fucking” more often. “I’ll take the chicken to-fucking-stada, please.” “Yes, I would like the change the oil on my automo-fucking-bile. Thank you!” It adds a certain something, don’t you think?
Anyway, things escalate from there, Teresa starts bobbing her head giving the sass finger, and voices start to rise, but it’s still just yelling at this point. That is, until Danielle says that Teresa’s house is in foreclosure, and then BOOM, flip is switched. Apparently, Teresa hates being called poor even more than she hates being told to “pay attention.” The Medusa-tendriled banshee flies at Danielle, who in turn flees for the exit, since she can tell shit is starting to get real.
Danielle bounds down the hallway, Teresa stomping after her at breakneck speed, trampling and tossing any big-haired Jersey hausfrau that gets in her way. Along the way, both ladies volley the phrase “coke whore” back and forth like it’s going out of style. Eventually, Danielle makes it to the exit and hides in the bushes, a shaking mess with a broken Payless high heel. She shivers and cries about wanting to go home but not being able to move because her shoe is broken, which is really dumb. It’s not like she broke her foot. Just take the other shoe off and walk the 20 feet to your car! It’s not hard!
Eventually, Kim G and Danielle’s bodyguard/Eastern European gay porn star (right? Kind of a methier Bel Ami reject?) start to help Danielle out to the car, and it looks like things are starting to wind down when…YANK! A hand reaches into the rats nest atop Danielle’s head and gives it a strong pull, causing the insectoid beast to throw back her head and let out a painful howl into the night sky. At this point the bodyguard/Johan Paulik scoops up Danielle and bounds toward the Rentley as the wounded mantis softly sobs “Coke whore! Ashley! Coke whore! Arrest her!”
Safely inside the Rentley, Kim G tries to talk Danielle down. However, Danielle is beyond consoling, since Ashley pulled out a clump of her “real” hair. I put “real” in quotes there because everyone else says it wasn’t her real hair, just her weave. Danielle later holds up a clump of the alleged hair, which looks very synthetic to me, although I’m no fake hair expert. Andy Cohen should have had Kim Zolciak on “Watch What Happens Live” to determine it's authenticity.
But anyway, I digress. In the car, Danielle says she wants to leave, but in fact does not leave. They stay right there. At this point, Teresa decides to walk up to “talk” to Danielle, but is stopped by her bodyguards, who are all “This is a Bentley, and you’re approaching the Bentley, so you better step back.” Since she speaks the language of money, Teresa understands, and steps back.
(TANGENT: Maybe this is just because I live in LA so I see assholes showily driving them around all day, but would people stop acting like owning a Bentley is a big deal? People who own them are either a.) idiotic assholes who spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on an ugly car to show off that they have money or b.) idiotic assholes who are spending thousands of dollars renting an ugly car to look like they have money. Either way, you are an asshole. Just sayin’.)
At some point, Danielle decides that she’ll call the cops, because she wants them “all arrested,” presumably for the grave offence of weave-snatching, which is taken much more seriously in Franklin Lakes than it is in Atlanta. She calls up the cops and is like “This is Danielle Staub, and Teresa Giudice and Ashley tried to kill me” and the operator is like “Ma’am, shut the fuck up. We’re sending a team.” Well, she didn’t say that, but you can tell that’s what she was thinking
Eventually the cops arrive and take everybody’s statements. You can tell by the tone of their voices that they were not pleased to be doing this at all. Ashley tells them about how she only pulled Danielle’s weave, and not her real hair, so she didn’t technically touch her. Teresa‘s mob training kicks in and she is all “What? What happened? I don’t know?” After statements are taken and exasperated sighs are released, things die down and the cops tell everyone to go home.
The following day both sides circle the wagons and rehash their stories. At Danielle’s, the shaken and stirred mantis queen recounts her story to Danny, being all “I was just minding my own business, when suddenly Teresa maced me and kicked me in the vagina! I don’t know what happened!” At Caroline’s, Jacqueline and Teresa recount the story pretty much as it happened, and Caroline is all “I told you so. I TOLD YOU SO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!” while sternly sipping her tea.
Speaking of Caroline, looks like things maybe be looking up for Albie! Although he did get kicked out of his school for bad grades due to his learning disability, he is talking to a lawyer to see if they can get his law school to write a letter saying he can go to a different school, since apparently otherwise he’d have to wait two years. So, good for him! Even though I still suspect that some hard partying and shirking of studying responsibilities may have played a part in him getting poor grades, but whatever. Far be it for me to stand in the way of someone racking up a hundred thousand dollars of debt. This is America!
Later, Teresa recounts the Danielle drama again, this time to Joe. Through an elaborate pantomime, she goes over the events again, pretty much as they happened. She talks about Ashley’s weave pull, saying she did it because she thought Danielle had hit Jacqueline. Teresa says “It makes sense, I mean, if Danielle hit me, I think Gia would have done the same.”
This immediately made me picture Danielle running down a hallway, Teresa’s three daughters bounding after her, fangs bared, screeching like banshees. After some running, Danielle would turn around, and they would be gone! “Where did they go?” she’d think. Then she ‘d hear a scraping sound from above her. With a sinking feeling in her stomach, she’d look up, and see them crawling across the ceiling, mouths dripping with venom. And then, with an ear-piercing shriek, they would end her. Right there.
Ahem, anyway, Joe says Teresa did good, and they go off to presumably have big dumb guido sex.
Let’s see, what else of note happened… Oh! Some stuff with Jacqueline! First, Danielle gets a call from Sarai, her “energist” (not a real career), who “senses” Danielle is stressed out and suggests she let her call Jacqueline to work out the “negative energy.” More so though, I suspect the lady wanted to do this since she, like everyone else in Franklin Lakes, knows lashing your cart to Danielle’s crazy is a one way ticket to ostracism and ruin.
Either way, Sarai calls Jacqueline and is all “Ladies! Hands up! Let me see you shake your stuff!” Just kidding , she was like “I understand you have some negative energy, and for $4.99 a minute I’d be happy to remove it.” Jacqueline is all “Umm, k” and lets the lady hum at her over the phone or whatever it is she does, while she played games on her iPhone, which was kind of hilarious. It really is great how there is a whole cottage industry in Franklin Lakes of women selling snake oil to other women for outrageous sums. Seriously, you know how much those “energy” bracelets Dina buys cost? $100+ bucks each, that’s how much! Sigh…
Lastly, the other big scene with Jacqueline involved her confronting her terrible daughter about the weave pull heard ‘round the world. The jammies-clad women have a sit down and Jacqueline is all “You are a child! Why did you do you pull her weave?! She is crazy! She will chop off your head and eat your pituitary gland for this!” Ashley counters by being all, “Ugh, you’re lame mom. Way to take Danielle’s side over mine.” It goes on like this for a while, until Jacqueline’s husband comes home and lays down the law to Ashley, telling her to either stop acting like a oversized baby or get out of their house. Seems fair to me. I mean, really, either be an adult, and own up to the adult consequences of assaulting a crazed maniac, or sit down and shut up.
So that was about it for this episode. Oh, except there was that one scene where Kim G and Danielle got lunch and Kim ordered cheese fries, which I thought was hilarious. Miss “I’m so classy and I ride in a Bentley” lady eats cheese fries. HA!
But yeah, that’s it for this week. Next week it looks like Danielle takes up boxing? So she can beat up the other ladies? Yeah, I know, really weird. Until then, I bid all you coke whores adieu. You should all be arrested.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Whew! This was perhaps the most uncomfortable RHONJ episode ever, but not in a good way. In a white-knuckle I-can’t-handle-this way. There’s just entirely TOO MUCH crazy going on with these bitches, and I can’t’ deal. I am not looking forward to next week, at all.
But before we get to the Posche fashion show/bloodbath, let’s start at the beginning, with Caroline. Caroline has a sad, because her babies are all grown adults who desire grownup things like makeup school degrees, law school, and stripper carwashes, and now that she is all alone in her big empty granite nest, she doesn’t know what to do with herself.
Anyway, they chat for a bit, and we move on to a different, more sinister lunch across town. This time, Jacqueline and Teresa are meeting with Kim D. The taller, skinnier, exponentially more bug-like of the Kims decided to call the ladies to lunch to invite them to the big fancy fashion show that she’ll be having for Posche, her tiny thimble-sized boutique. There will be fashions, and models, and dinner, and Danielle. Yes, Voldemort herself will also be invited to the party, but Kim assures the two ladies that it’ll just be a real light-hearted, fun affair, and they have nothing to worry about, but obviously that isn’t true, and the ladies know it. Not that that will stop them from going. Not at all.
Almost immediately, one of the Dark Lord’s many kitty cat-sweatered mom-ish minions informs her of Kim D’s grave offence, and she flies off the rails, zooming to Posche in her evil Range Raven with murder on the mind. She barges into the teeny boutique demanding to see Kim IMMEDIATELY. However, the lady at the counter is on the phone, and sort of bitchily does a “hold on a second” finger in the air thing. Danielle obviously cannot abide such a slight, so she storms out of the boutique screeching “YOU HAVE KIM CALL ME WHEN SHE GETS BAAAAAACK!” before disappearing in a puff of sulphur.
Eventually, Kim does come back, claiming she was just next door “paying the water bill” which seems weird, since who pays a water bill in person? Anyway, she calls the outraged Danielle back, and The Jersey Mantis comes swooping back into the salon. Sensing imminent danger, the front desk lady leaves the boutique before Danielle returns, living to see another day. Danielle talks to Kim about how RUDE her employee was and how UPSET she is. Kim says sawree and who cayuhs. The two hiss at each other like this for a few more minutes, but ultimately come to a shakey truce. For now.
Back at Manzo Manor, Caroline still haz a sad. This time to cure her sad she tries to convince her husband to retire, so she can have someone in the house besides her dogs. Husband does not want to retire, and loves working. Caroline’s sad remains.
Later, she overcomes her sad for a brief moment, long enough to head over to Jacqueline’s for some girl talk and syrupy dranks (I believe they called what they were drinking a “butter baby,” which, whatever is in it, sounds disgusting). Teresa is also there, and pretty soon it becomes evident that they only had Caroline over to get her opinion of the whole Posche Fashion Show thing. Caroline is obviously very much anti-this, since nothing good ever comes from 1) fashion shows or 2) Danielle. The ladies still decide that they’ll go though, cuz of contracts and all.
And so, the next day, it’s time for the dreaded event! First, Kim G arrives at Danielle’s in her Rentley, wearing a sparkly shirt, tights, heels, and no pants. Poor thing forgot to cover her chuckie! She rings Danielle’s novelty Halloween scream doorbell, and after a few minutes Danielle descends from her web in the rafters and lets her guest in. After debating which sexxxyboots to wear, Danielle finally decides on some thigh-high prostie boots and they head out.
While Danielle and Kim G are en route, Teresa and Jacqueline arrive at the party wearing matching fur vests. Kim D greets them, screeching about how happy she is to see them, and telling them that they are at her table, as honored guests.
They take their seats, and soon enough Danielle arrives, and she is placed at a different table, DIRECTLY FACING the guest of honor table. Danielle, again, cannot abide this slight, and freaks out again. This time, it’s by pretending she’s not interested in the fashion show, pretending to talk on her phone (“Paris Hilton taught me that.” Barf.), and talking shit on how terrible all the models are (Kim G points out that this is because none of them are professional models). Also, when Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley, who is one of the models, stomps down the runway, Danielle calls her a coke whore, which, umm, pot, meet kettle.
After the fashion show, everyone basically sits at their respective tables and stares at each other until Danielle decides she’s had enough and leaves. Curiously, suddenly Jacqueline notices that Teresa has gone missing. Where could she have gone? Where did she possib-oh shit. Oh shit, Teresa went to go cut Danielle’s brakelines!
Jacqueline, in a panic, runs out of the room to go stop Teresa. However, rather than finding her hunched under Danielle’s car with a set of wire cutters, Teresa is instead sitting calmly in the hallway. She says she is waiting for Danielle, to “say hello.” Jacqueline pleads with her to leave, but she doesn’t, and then it’s too late. Danielle and crew walk by, passing Teresa, who in turn yells her name.
Teresa starts out nice enough, making fake but pleasant small talk, asking about Danielle’s daughter and stuff. But then Teresa calls Danielle honey, and Danielle says “Don’t call me honey,” and then Teresa asks if “bitch” is better, and then Danielle says “That’s a e-fucking-nough” and then before we know it we are in a fight and it’s people screaming and things are happening. That was quick.
And with that, in typical Bravo style, the episode ends, dragging this fight out to next week. From the previews, it looks like Danielle cries, gets her weave pulled by Ashley Sheree Whitfield style, and the cops get called. The whole thing looks nuts, and we’re only halfway through the series. What the hell is going to happen at the finale?! I shudder to think.
Monday, June 28, 2010
You know Kim totally does.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
More than a passing resemblance, right? Well, maybe not in this picture particularly. I couldn't get a good screengrab! You really have to see the guy in video to see his similarity to Kane anyway.
Ok, look, this:
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Well, that certainly was an episode that happened. wasn't it? That’s basically what this show is, a series of things happening now, chugging along at a snail’s pace, clinging to the small semblance of a plot the show has. I mean, not like any of these Housewives shows ever HAD a plot to begin with, but they were at least more than “____is a bitch and I hate her.” Not saying I don’t like that, or I will stop watching. Just saying. Anyway, this episode, in a nutshell, was about Kim G scrambling up a stripper pole and failing spectacularly, falling with a thud to the floor. Sure, other stuff happened, but mainly that’s what this episode was about.
But before we get to that, let’s start at the beginning. We enter in media res as Dina and Danielle still valiantly do battle. Dina stays pretty calm and tries to outline her point about how she is done and is cutting Danielle out of her life. Danielle isn’t having any of this though, and starts rambling about the vast Manzo conspiracy against her. This leads Dina to call her crazy, which sends the Bug Queen off the RAILS! She’s all “DON’T YOU EVER CALL ME CRAZY! EVER! EVER!” and it was scary. So, sensing that the conversation wasn’t going anywhere, and not wanting to receive a spiky foreleg through her torso, Dina departs.
Immediately after Dina leaves, Danielle does a disturbingly fast 180 and calls her creeper posse (who as you may recall were creepily waiting in the parking lot) to come to her aid. She’s all “Everyoneee is so meeeeean to meeeee!” The look on creep leader Danny’s face shows that he’s clearly disappointed her didn’t get to shive anyone tonight. No, Danielle just wants to talk about how mean Dina was and how shaken she is. Yes, Danielle, that’s what these ex-convicts want to do. Talk to you about how Dina was mean. Sigh.
Now that that burbling nonsense storm has subsided, it’s time for the Manzo and Giudice clans to embark on some good clean down-home country fun! All the families pack up their younguns and head down to the local farm to play with some animals (or "Danielles" as both Jacqueline and Teresa maturely call them). So, everyone goes to the farm and gawks at the pigs (“Oh my gawd! Look how big theah boawls ah!”). While watching the womenfolk admire the pigballs, the men decide it’s time to initiate Ashley’s boyfriend Derek into the man clan by inviting him to a poker game. Derek agrees, seemingly not sensing the sinister plans they have in store for him.
Back in Hell, Danielle has lunch with her new “friends” to talk about her fight with Dina. I put “friends” in quotation marks because you know Danielle just picked random ladies outside the restaurant and was like “Hey! You’s wanna be on TV? You gotta just say yuh my friend!” Naturally, they all said yes, because they are idiots. So yeah, it was Danielle, the momish ladies in kittycat sweaters, and sad desperate Kim G.
At the lunch, Danielle relays a totally embellished version of the fight, where Dina is a crazy raving lunatic, and the ladies are all “Wow! She said that?” doing their best to pretend like they have any idea who or what Danielle is talking about. Then, Danielle whips out her granny glasses to read an e-mail she received from Dina, acting like she’s being all scandalous and reading a horrible e-mail that was meant to be private. Hilariously, Bravo then cuts to Dina reading the same letter in her confessional, and it’s very benign and just says that Dina is done, and Danielle is unstable. Danielle says she replied, very maturely, with “LOL whatever” which is what any mature 65 year old woman should say in an e-mail.
The next day, Kim G, probably sensing that Danielle is a crazyship sailing at full speed towards the edge of the world, randomly decides to have a sit down with Jacqueline to vent about her terrifying bug overlord. The ladies talk about the sick baby drama and the Ashley text message scandal. Kim G tries to play it off like she didn’t have a part of any of it even though there is video evidence to the contrary. She does know she’s on a TV show, right?
Meanwhile, at an old-timey Italian meat shop, the Menzos (see what I did there? Men+Manzo=Menzos! Ha!) plot the demise of Derek while buying nearly $600 worth of fancy salamis and prosciuttos. What will they have in store for him? A meat bludgeoning? Hanging from the rafters with a string of sausages? The suspense is killing me! Joe suggests they tie him to a tree in the woods and pull his pants down, and the other guys are like “Uhh, what?” Then Joe is like, “You know, to like, let the deer get him!” Yes, Joe…the "deer"…
Anyway, speaking of cured meats, next we head over to one of Danielle’s “friends” houses for some girl chat. The ladies talk for a little bit about things like dogs, and how if Danielle doesn’t find a man soon she is going to buy a Great Dane to have sex with. All the ladies giggle, and you can tell the hostess is all “Look at me! I’m on TV entertaining in my big house! I’m a star!” And then Danielle is all “It’s been hard for me to meet men ever since that video of me having gross bug sex got leaked.” Sorry, random Danielle friend, it’s not about you, and now your house has been sullied by the image of Danielle softly embracing her lover with her forelegs before viciously devouring his head.
So yeah, apparently Danielle had a sex tape with that gross guy she dated last season that he “secretly” filmed, even though if you’ve seen the stills, she is clearly mugging for the camera. How did this happen, you ask? Jacqueline interviews that Danielle said she thought he was just texting during sex, and not taping her. I love that she is totally fine with someone texting while they have sex, as if that’s normal bedroom behavior. Like, “Hey! What’reya up to? You’re not filming this, right?” “Nah! I’m just textin’!” “Oh! Ok. Let me mug for the camera some more then.”
It’s finally poker time over at Jacqueline’s house! The men all arrive and head to the basement while Jacqueline and Teresa serve them huge trays of meat (feminism!). Coincidentally, also present at the poker game is puffy old whatshisface, Danielle’s sex tape accomplice/attacker. Jacqueline gets wind of this, and while she’s no fan of Danielle anymore, she still thinks this guy’s a dick, so she pulls him aside and confronts him for being a slimeball. Although he is indeed a slimeball, he says that he didn’t secretly tape anything. Danielle taped herself masturbating and then sent it to him, which is why she wound up dropping the charges against him. She’s the one who made the tape. I'm not want to believe sleazeballs, but this seems entirely within Danielle’s character. Also, she was taped by TMZ or somebody bragging about how her tape will sell more than Kendra’s, which is suspicious. Also, the timing. So yeah, she can add “amateur pornographer” to her list of accomplishments.
With court adjourned and Derek finally arriving with Ashley in tow, the men start their poker game. This means it’s time for the devious prank! The horror! What will it be! I’m squeamish at the sight of blood so take it eas-...what? Sour wine? That’s it? That’s the big “initiation.” That’s the buildup?! Where's the hazing? The beatings? The tying-naked-to-a-tree? You guys suck. This party is lame.
(Oh, also that night Ashley gets into a fight with Jacqueline, but it’s over nothing and stupid, so I don’t want to talk about it. )
This brings us to the final event of the episode: “How Danielle Got Her Groove Back.” See, ever since Danielle was horribly violated by
Despite the kind words, Danielle still can’t clear the cobwebs out of her sex hope chest (talkin’ about her ‘gina), so she moves for one last ditch effort: pole dancing. Yes, she gathers up her
Clad in booty shorts and hooker boots, she tries her best to sex it up on the pole, scampering wildly, kicking her legs this way and that way. On the first try, she manages a creaky semi-circle around the pole before crashing to the ground, exposing her old lady butt in the process. After a faceless stripper humiliatingly pulls Kim G’s panties up and slaps her on the butt (I literally cannot believe I just wrote that sentence), she makes a second go. Again, she scrambles, legs flying wildly this way and that, a horrifying grimace crossing her face. At this point, another stripper comes in and literally tries to push her up the pole. Perhaps sensing how pathetic this whole display is, Kim G finally gives up, and everyone gives her pity applause. The whole scene is amazing, and just really a metaphor for Kim G’s entire presence on this show, isn’t it? One big scramble up the pole, failing miserably.
Finally, not to be upstaged by Kim G’s sad little display, Danielle takes the stage. She comes out all shy, being like “Oh, I don’t know! It’s been a while! I’m not going to be very good!” and then immediately does a series of topless backflips, removing an article of clothing with each rotation, finally falling into the splits, a barrage of ping pong balls going this way and that. Yeah, it’s been a while…sure. She says something gross about that being “how she got her first husband.” (Feminism!)
Oh! That actually wasn’t the final event of the episode. The FINAL final event is Dina officially announcing that she is leaving the show, since she is normal and sane and recognized that being constantly exposed to a crazy person is not healthy. So, good for her! This wasn’t a surprise at all, but I do have to say I’ll miss her. She’s always been my favorite housewife.
So! That’s that for this season. Looks like theres more Danielle dramz next week, as usual. I hope it’s something REALLY CRAZY. What do you think? (Answer: obviously)
Monday, June 14, 2010
Over the past year I've been on a major Turkish pop kick. Something about the mix of electropop, traditional instrumentation/melodies, and cheesy mid-nineties house music comes together for a really pleasurable musical experience. It's also incredibly varied from artist to artist, which makes each new discovery really exciting. So, I thought I'd give a rundown of what I'm listening to, because everyone is missing out! Before I start though, a warning: my music tastes skew heavily female, so while I'm sure there's plenty of good male Turkish artists out there, I'm mainly focusing on the ladies, with a couple exceptions. Also, I make no assertions on the right-now popularity of any of these artists in Turkey, since I found most of them mainly via YouTube, so they could very well be one-hit wonders or has-beens. Anyway!
Comparable Western artist: Kylie Minogue
Hande Yener is the reason I got into Turkish pop, so it seems fitting to start with her. I came across her name while reading the "gay icons" page on Wikipedia (shut up). The article mentioned her support of the Turkish gay community, and her inherent popularity there due to her dance-oriented beats. She's often called the Madonna or Kylie of Turkey due in part to this, but also due to her penchant for reinvention. She started her career doing more traditional Turkish pop music (Middle-Eastern vocals to a house-heavy beat). Despite the popularity of her music, she changed her style entirely for a more European electropop sound. While her older stuff is decent, I think the new sound suits her better. While her most recent album is a bit of a return to her old sound, her prior albums "Nasil Delirdim?" "Hipnoz" and "Hayrola?" are, in my opinion, her best. Below is the video for my favorite of her songs, "Kibir," off of 2007's "Nasil Delirdim?" (Side note: how great are the topless models beating her with clubs in the video up top? Domestic abuse has never looked so chic!)
Sound: Western-style pop with a heavy dose of traditional Turkish instrumentation.
Western Counterpart: Britney? Or maybe pre-"Rated R" Rihanna?
I came accross Atiye during one of my late-night YouTube binges, where I search for one video, and then go down the rabbit hole clicking on one video after the next until it's 2 AM and I've written down a page of weird Turkish names. Atiye's sound is kind of unique among Turkish pop music in that she uses a more Western vocal style over seamlessly fused pop, hip-hop, and Turkish beats. She also differs from a lot of female singers in that she sings in the upper registers rather than more lower-register sound characteristic of a lot of her contemporaries. "Muamma," above, is one of my favorite songs of hers. Below is the video of the also-good English-language "Don't Think (Sanma)."
Sound: Jersey Shore house music by way of Istanbul, with a trip through the cheese factory.
Western Contemporary: I don't even know. Chick is weird.
Demet Akalin is what would happen if a benevolent witch turned a Barbie doll into a living person and then sent her to Turkey's version of the Jersey Shore to learn about sex and house music. Everything about this woman is over the top: the pounding club beats of all her songs, her super-deep voice that belies her frame, her "oversexed little girl in an adult body" image, her ridiculous hair. Because of all this, she's also an artist that really needs to be seen in video to fully appreciate. I would be really embarrassed listening to American music like this, but for some reason, when Demet does it, it works. Up top is "Tecrübe," her most recent single, which is hilarious (wait till the part where she is topless and clutching an armful of Ken dolls). But, since she's gone brunette I've included her video for "Bebek" off of her previous album below to show her in her full blonde, bikinied glory. (The fake braids, the Kanye glasses!)
Western Counterpart: A fantasy boy version of Kylie? We’ll call him Boylie.
Kemal Doğulu started out as Hande Yener's "creative director" and hair stylist (both of which he still is). He is also the brother of her fiancé, and he's directed a couple of her music videos, including the most recent one for “Sopa/ Yasak Aşk” that I posted earlier. Ms. Yener must be satisfied with his work, because she helped him get a record deal and guests on his debut single, “Bir Yerde” (above). While the whole popstar's hairdresser getting an album thing might not sound like a great idea (can you imagine if Jessica Simpson did the same for Ken Paves? The horror!), in this case it actually turned out really well. While I don't gather he's very popular in Turkey because he's only had a handful of singles in the last few years, I endorse him. He has an electro sound similar to Hande's, and his voice is decent, although heavily autotuned. Plus, I think he's dreamy, and is probably gay. Evidence for the both assertions below, in his video for "Uzayda Aşk Var."
Sound: Straight-up pop
Western Counterpart: Pre-meltdown Britney.
Hadise is Turkey’s closest thing to a Britney, Christina, or Katy Perry: Vapid, oversexed, bubbly, and of dubious vocal talent. Like Atiye Deniz, she mixes more Western-style musical stylings with traditional Turkish beats, like in her 2009 single “Evlenmeliyiz,” which I’ve posted above (I like the one-take concept). Hadise was also Turkey’s selction for the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest, with her song “Düm Tek Tek.” She wound up making it to 9th place, which is nothing to sneeze at for Eurovision. The vid of her performance is below. It’s very cheesy, and very Eurovision, but I challenge you to not think it’s catchy. Give in to the cheese!
Sound: Classic Turkpop
Western Counterpart: ???
Gülşen is my most recent discovery, and I’ll admit my main exposure to her is her most recent album, “Önsöz.” So far though I like what I’ve heard. She has that perfect mix of Arabesque beats with more contemporary pop that, when it comes together, is absolutely great. I love the “şak şak” part in the chorus of “Bi An Gel” (above). I have no idea what it means, but the pouty sexbabyvoice gets me each time. Another reason I love her is that her video for “Sarışınım,” off 2004’s “Of…Of…” was judged "obscene" by the Turkish government, and the stations that showed it received hefty fines. It’s kind of like Turkey’s Janet Superbowl nip slip moment. I posted it below because although I’m not crazy about the song, the video is hilarious. Naked+heels+low budget visuals= Gold.
So there you have it! Some of the things that have been going into my ears as of late. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes Turkish pop can get a little schmaltzy with the ballads, rely a bit too much on Spanish guitar, and sometimes be vocally unpalateable. But when it’s good, it’s good. There’s a lot of others like Tarkan or Sezen Aksu that for lack of time I haven’t included. But, they’re both superstars in the genre and are easy enough to learn more about on your own. And you should! I also recommend seeing the excellent 2005 documentary Crossing the Bridge: The Sound of Istanbul about the contemporary Turkish music scene for an introduction. It's narrated by Alexander Hacke from Einsturzende Neubaten, which adds to the weirdness factor. Anyway, happy listening!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Especially in the current climate with rhetoric ratcheting up at breakneck speed from either side of the fence, it's refreshing to read an honest, calm, and well-reasoned editorial on the region for once.
Read it if you get the chance! You can't spend your whole day reading about Teresa's Onyx Manor foreclosure, can you? (Answer: Yes you can.)
(via BBC News)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Chris brown got denied a visa to enter the UK "on the grounds of being guilty of a serious criminal offence." This is presumably due to the recently passed "Royal Pop Diva Protection Act of 2009."
(via BBC News)
This is Christian Matyi, and he is being oppressed. I know! You look at this picture and think, "In what way is this handsome adonis possibly oppressed?" Is he part of a persecuted religious minority? On the receiving end of racism? Is he being gaybashed? No, worse.
He is being persecuted for the crime of having gnarly abs and rock-hard disco tits.
You see, Christian is a professional bodybuilder who recently wrote this piece for The Good Men Project (which I found via Towleroad and reads like an Onion article) about how people are totally mean to him because he has a ridiculous body. According to him, his pursuit of outrageously exaggerated body proportions has put him in a minority class, and because of this he is the subject of daily derision. People bump into him in the supermarket! People comment about how huge his muscles are! People gasp when he takes his shirt off at the beach!
Dude, maybe people bump into you in the supermarket because YOUR SHOULDERS TAKE UP THE WHOLE EFFING AISLE! People gasp and comment on how big your muscles are because THEY ARE FUCKING BIG!
Lest you think his musclegod ambitions stem from a lack of self confidence, he also points out that he totes didn't become a "My Size GI Joe" doll because of insecurities. Nah man, it's just cuz he likes looking totally rad in his tank tops, bro! Not 'cause he's some sort of insecure loser.
Look, I'm all for people doing what they want with their bodies. You want gigantic breasts? A smaller nose? A fourth penetrative oriface? Fine, it's your body, do what you want. However, when you wilfully inflate your body to cartoonish proportions beyond that of a normal human being, you don't get to then complain about unwanted stares or comments about said body. Mr. Matyi doesn't get to complain the same way Heidi Montag doesn't get to complain about the recent media storm over her recent re-boobing and re-facing: you want to mod your body, get used to stares.
Another thing, Chesty McPowerglutes: you don't get to cop minority status. Last I checked, there isn't some sort of oppressed be-pec'd and be-abbed underclass, though they may just do a good job of hiding them. For all I know the factories of South Los Angeles are staffed entirely by men who look like they stepped off a Falcon video shoot (sexxxy!).
So yeah, note to all: rants about how hard it is to be pretty? Not always well received.
Also, I am totally jealous. I can haz powerglutes?
Monday, June 7, 2010
It was in the midst of ruminating on the shittiness of this film that a friend of mine sent me Lindy West's review from The Stranger, and let me tell you, it is solid gold. She enumerates the film's awfulness with such scathing, hilarious verbage it makes seeing the film almost worthwhile just so you can fully appreciate her rage.
My favorite part:
Seriously, READ IT! It's worth it for the phrase "emaciated goblin shoulders" alone.
"Samantha, being the prostitute sexual revolutionary that she is, rages against the machine by publicly grabbing the engorged penis of a man she dubs "Lawrence of My-Labia." When the locals complain (having repeatedly asked Samantha to cover her nipples and mons pubis in the way of local custom), Samantha removes most of her clothes in the middle of the spice bazaar, throws condoms in the faces of the angry and bewildered crowd, and screams, "I AM A WOMAN! I HAVE SEX!" Thus, traditional Middle Eastern sexual mores are upended and sexism is stoned to death in the town square."
Even if you couldn't give two shits about the movie, or have never heard of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, or Charlotte (lucky you), READ IT!
P.S. Also good, her article about the worst popes ever.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Return! Don't you love how comitted to this blog I am? Couple'a weeks here, couple there, yadda yadda. Continuity be damned! I can't be tied down to your western bourgeois conception of time! What exactly is a "week" anyway? Imperialist.
But yeah, sorry for skipping two weeks worth of episodes. Whoopsies! Basically, in the last 2 weeks Danielle's daughter walked in a fashion show and then barfed, Teresa shot another little princess out of her chuckie, and Danielle got invited to an event AT THE M-FING BROWNSTONE! AWWWWWWWWW SNAP! So yeah, that's where we're at today.
We open with Joe and Teresa heading home from the hospital with new baby Audriana, who they dote on and coo over while their (formerly) youngest id daughter climbs on the banisters, wild hair swinging in the air. Joe says he wants to keep pumpin' Teresa fully babies until a boy shoots out, but she says that she and her chuckie are done poppin out spicy Italian babysausages. She pleads with Joe to get "snipped," which I don't think he appreciates too much.
Meanwhile, in Mordor, Danielle's piercing Sauron mantiseye is searching all of Middle Earth for new friends, ultimately settling on a batty famewhore by the name of Kim G. Kim G, as you may recall, was at Danielle's "Look How Magical My Guts Are" party, and is also the best friend of Caroline's youngest son. Escandalo! Anyway the Dark Lord of Mordor invites her hapless new friend to accompany her to the sick baby benefit, since she doesn't want to go alone. Kim G. aggrees, cuz you know, face time.
Later, Caroline interviews that she and Kim G. are polite acquaintances due to their sons being friends, but they themselves are not friends. Also, she says that Kim invited her to lunch, but she declined because she knew she was friends of the Dreaded Mantis Queen, and therefore didn't want to get entangled in that and hurt their sons friendships. Which, seems reasonable to me, but I guess Kim G. is willing to destroy her son's life for a little slice of Z list reality "fame," so good for her.
Speaking of children and less than stellar parenting, across town Jacqueline meets with her failure of a daughter's boyfriend's mother. The ladies bond, and boyfriendmom tells Jacqueline that her daughter is great, and even cleans the house sometimes! She also assures her that they never let her drink, since she's underage. Then Jacks and boyfriendmom get drunk together and fall over over one another, to an uncomfortable degree. Seriously, they were like thiiiiiis close to making out.
Back at Giudice Junction, it's time for GIA'S NINTH BIRTHDAY! REJOICE FOR SHE IS NINE! Seriously though, since when has 9 been a big deal? It's a nothing birthday! But of course when you're little every birthday is a monumental event. Anyway, billions of screaming almost-tweens come over to the Giudice household, where outside Gia is presented with her gift: a Barbie-pink ATV. Seriously. She hops on that thing and hilariously starts zooming around the property at breakneck speed. It looked very very dangerous. I was on the edge. Of. My. Seat.
After the ATV overturns, Gia escaping mere seconds before it explodes Die Hard-style, the girls pile into a pink stretch limo that says "Sweet and Sassy" (barf) on it and head off to some megasalon where they all get done up and prettified. Teresa interviews that all her daughters are divas and not tomboys. Note to Teresa: divas are demanding bitches whom nobody likes and into whose chianti busboys furtively pee. They are not to be aspired to. Unless you are Beyonce, you cannot brag about being a diva.
The jovial tone of the episode doesn't last long. Dark clouds enter the skies over Franklin Lakes and the songbirds stop singing. The day of reckoning has arrived: THE SICK BABY FUNDRAISER! Kim G arrives in her (probably rented for TV) Bentley, complete with chauffeur, to pick up The Staubinator. Even though Kim says she's her homegirl and has Danielle's back, our gentile stinkblossom still feels unsafe, so her ex-con friend Danny whom we met last week hops into the limo, ready for a confrontation. He also mentions how he is just finishing up his parole, and is ready to crack some skulls. So, in short, totally appropriate guest to bring to a fundraiser for a baby with cancer. Well done, all. I think at this point, Kim G starts to reevaluate her new friendship.
Over at the Manzo fortress, Caroline, Jacqueline, and Teresa are having fun fun girlytime, sipping drinks and trading beauty secrets. Caroline's secret: she shaves her face every day. Every day. She shaves her face. Not making this up. Ok, I get it, some ladies are hairier than others, some require more maintenance, whatever, you can't control your genetics. However, what you can control is disclosing your genetics on a nationally broadcast television show. All I'm saying is, it's an easily kept secret, but maybe Caroline is taking the reality part of this really seriously.
After everyone laughs at Caroline for a little bit, the topic moves as usual to the dreaded Danielle. They toss around the usual insults ("slut," "whore," "psycho," "Nasty McBigbox") and question why she is showing up at the Brownstone. However, since she is "an invited guest," she will be treated as such. Am I the only one who thought it was funny how often they said "invited guest?" Like, they said it a TON. It sounds so medieval, like "I, Danielle, Dutchess of Staub-Mantisia, am an honored guest at Brownstone Manor, and shall be treated accordingly!" I dunno, it was weird.
Over at said manor, Danielle and her crew have arrived! They pull up to the Brownstone in their Rentley (ZING) with much flair. Chris, the youngest Manzo, is doing valet duty. Having been instructed by his mother to "not engage," he avoids Danielle. However, she walks up to him, shakes his hand, and says thanks for having her. He responds politely. For a minute we're all like "Hey wow! Danielle isn't such a horrible sociopathic monster after all!" But then she interviews that the greeting was meant as a coded "fuck you" to the Manzos, and we're reminded that she is indeed a sociopathic monster. Oh well.
Oh! Also showing up at the Brownstone at that time is the TEAM OF HELLS ANGELS Danny hired as added protection. So, to recap, Danielle brought Kim G, ex-con Danny, and a team of Hells Angels. To a sick baby fundraiser. Without paying. Class. Act.
Danielle interviews that since she is an HONORED GUEST (again with the honored guest stuff!), she should be allowed to bring whomever she deems appropriate. The Manzos will pay for such slighting of the Sick Baby Jubilee's Honored Guest!
So anyway, they enter, and there isn't space to fit Danielle's 20 deep crew, because, you know, they weren't invited and didn't RSVP. Danielle says that this was a fully intended slap in the face from the Manzos, because they are psychic and have her body bugged, so they should have known she'd be bringing her swarthy band of escaped convicts.
The "slight" also causes Danny to go off the rails, pacing around, yelling at caterers and dropping f-bombs and threatening to kill everyone in the building. Seriously, at one point he asks Danielle what he should do, and she just says "I don't care, just don't hurt the child's family," basically authorizing her band of maniacs to rough up the attendees of a cancer baby benefit. Again: class act.
Even though the Brownstone staff accomodates her ridiculous demands and set up a table for her entourage, she is not satisfied, and says that she wants to leave "with dignity." Ummm, I think you lost your dignity when you brought a gang of Hells Angels to the benefit, sorry.
So, in order to preserve her dubious dignity, she and her crew leave the benefit, but not before Danny threatens the staff a little bit more and yells about the Manzo's being punks. As they leave, Danielle tells everyone that they were kicked out of the event, even though the episode clearly shows that she left of her own volition. Though, they should have been kicked out for real for you know, threatining to kill everyone in the building. Sigh...
Anyway, Danielle et al pull off in their pumpkin coach and the episode draws to an end. What a crazy chapter of this epic Jersey ballad! It's always amazing how huge of a disconnect there is between Danielle's actions and her memory of the events. She is fast becoming the Kelly Bensimon of RHONJ. But whatever, I'm glad the dramz is finally starting to pick up on this season! Next episode has a big blowout between Dina and Danielle, which should be pretty entertaining.
Until then, I leave you with this article about how Teresa and Joe owe 11 million dollars and their house is being foreclosed upon. Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: In which Danielle does an hour-long mash-up of "Mommie Dearest" and "Gypsy."
Week two! The Deuce! Two episodes into the second season of RHONJ, and shit hyst keeps getting better. We got mother-daughter fights, mother-daughter bonding, mother projecting all her hopes, dreams, and unrealized ambitions onto daughter, and brother-brother-sister ham fights. What the eff more could you want?!
We start this week's episode with Danielle, who is showing off her dilapidated hive to her real estate agent and "good friend." Honestly, I think to qualify as one of Danielle's "good friends" you just have to have a pulse and the resolve to look her in the eyes without bursting into tears and crapping your pants. Other "good friends" of Danielle: Carlos the grocery store bag boy, Sharon at the highway toll booth, and Patches, the hobo outside Walgreens who carries his feces around with him in a mason jar.
Anyway, Danielle shows off her crumbling manse, pointing out the faulty wiring, peeling wood panels, small electrical fires, and her most prized posession: her bidet. Seriously, she was all "this is the bidet, which I think is very very important." She went on and on, and I kept barfing and barfing. Later, they sit down, and Danielle starts crying and over-sharing to the real estate agent until she winds up hanging herself with a loose electrical wire, and then Danielle just continues talking to her corpse.
Once we leave Grey Gardens 2: Franklin Lakes, it’s off to lunch with Jackée, Teresa, and Caroline, where they talk about how Teresa is late all the time before setting their sights on poor Jacks. The whole Danielle ex-friendship thing is still a big deal, apparently, and both push her to give up the goat (literally. Danielle is a goat). Jacquee, kind, simple soul that she is, says she's still going to be cordial, and Caroline tells her she smells like trash, or something to that effect. Poor Jacqueline. Oh, and Caroline also says that Danielle's children have had their souls stolen by their demon mother.
Once Caroline and Teresa finish devouring Jacqueline with a side of red sauce, it's off to the Manzo household for the best scene of the night. The Manzospawn Three are caught in media res playing the famed Ham Game. What is the Ham Game, you ask? Why, it's the game where people take ham out of the fridge, and fling it at each other and all over the house. There was ham on people’s faces, ham on the cabinets, ham on the walls, ham on the ham, ham EVERYWHERE. It was like the aftermath of some sort of weird porno.
So, the kids are having a grand old time hamming one-another until Caroline comes home, at which point they all freeze in terror, knowing their mother’s extreme dislike of the Ham Game. Caroline knows all there is to know about the Ham Game. There is nothing good that can come from the Ham Game, she says. Nothing. The kids try to suggest that she buy cheap ham just for throwing, but she is adamant: No ham game, so they give up the goat (what is Danielle doing at the Manzos in the first place?), and we move on. Ham Game!
Next, it’s back to Danielle’s Zerg Lair, where she has exciting news to deliver to her dead-eyed daughter Christine: IMG Models wants to siiiiign heeeeeer! Danielle goes on and on about how great this is, and the daughter is like “Oh, cool. Yeah, that sounds fun” in her zombie voice. Seriously, more dead-eyed than the Kardashians.
So, the two head off to New York City for Christine’s big fashion shoot, and it’s with Noted Fashion Photographer (and Kelly Bensimon ex) Gilles Bensimon. Christine stands in front of the camera with her deep-sea stare and Danielle watches, loudly saying how beeeeeaaautifuuuul and goooooorgeous everything is, feeling free to get her Gypsy on. At the end of the shoot she weasels herself into the shoot, being all “Oh, what? Me? Take a photo? I simply couldn’t.” before immediately finding the light and mugging for the camera.
Also there was a woman there named Brandusa, presumably the terrifying Greek patron god of healthy digestion. This fact is inconsequential, but I had to point out ahat a dumb name that is.
Not to be upstaged, Teresa and her daughter Gia head to a local Jersey PR company to try out for a fashion show. Teresa is proud of her daughter, who is uncomfortably good at the whole pageant talk thing. However, Danielle interviews that she doesn’t see Gia being a model, since she’s not even 4 feet. Which would be a valid criticism if the girl wasn’t 7 years old, you psycho.
But anyway, the audition goes well, and she winds up getting the part, hopefully setting the stage for a bitchy walk off between the daughters in the next episode.
Over at Sad Clown Hollow (aka Jacqueline’s house), she, Teresa, Dina, and Caroline are talking about babies and such. Not much of note happens, but they do talk for an uncomfortably long time about how one’s “chuckie” gets puffy during pregnancy and/or after prolonged lovemaking. They would keep talking about this fact, but Jackie’s baby starts crying and barfing, presumably from all the puffychuckies.
Meanwhile, Danielle is busily planning a congratulatory party for Christine’s success, to which neither Christine nor any of her friends are invited. Yeah, see, by congratulatory party, I meant “I’m Danielle look at me” party. Seriously, that’s pretty indefensible, right? I mean, I know there’s editing and stuff, but how is there a good angle to having a party for your daughter that she’s not invited to?
Anyway, Danielle extends an invitation to both Dina and Jacqueline, who politely decline because they aren’t particularly fond mantis cuisine. However, the next day at the party, we see that Danielle left chairs for them anyway so she has an opportunity to talk shit on them to her other “friends,” who were mainly people we had never seen and then Kim the Mantis. As custom when around other she-mantids, Danielle makes Kim and the other ladies swear their allegiance to her before they can leave. Apparently, there’s been rumors that a few of them were also friends with the dreaded Caroline Manzo. Danielle cannot abide by this, and to quell her fury, the ladies link mandibles in a circle, and their allegiance is sworn. For now.
And that was that! Until next time, friends, when Danielle jealously pushes Gia down the stairs before her fashion show, sealing Christine’s fate as the new star of “Goddess.” Can’t wait!