Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Nothing good ever happens at a fashion show.

Whew! This was perhaps the most uncomfortable RHONJ episode ever, but not in a good way. In a white-knuckle I-can’t-handle-this way. There’s just entirely TOO MUCH crazy going on with these bitches, and I can’t’ deal. I am not looking forward to next week, at all.

But before we get to the Posche fashion show/bloodbath, let’s start at the beginning, with Caroline. Caroline has a sad, because her babies are all grown adults who desire grownup things like makeup school degrees, law school, and stripper carwashes, and now that she is all alone in her big empty granite nest, she doesn’t know what to do with herself.
So, for the first stop on her odyssey of self discovery, she has lunch with 2 of her sisters (THERE ARE 11 TOTAL SIBLINGS!!!). One, named Cookie or Cupcake or Canola Oil or something, is the oldest sister, and the other the second to youngest (Dina is the youngest), and they all had that same face that everyone in that family has. They talked and chatted about kids growing up, and younger sister (forget her name) ordered a coke with a shot of red wine in it from the confused waiter. She said it was an Italian thing, but somehow I doubt that?

Anyway, they chat for a bit, and we move on to a different, more sinister lunch across town. This time, Jacqueline and Teresa are meeting with Kim D. The taller, skinnier, exponentially more bug-like of the Kims decided to call the ladies to lunch to invite them to the big fancy fashion show that she’ll be having for Posche, her tiny thimble-sized boutique. There will be fashions, and models, and dinner, and Danielle. Yes, Voldemort herself will also be invited to the party, but Kim assures the two ladies that it’ll just be a real light-hearted, fun affair, and they have nothing to worry about, but obviously that isn’t true, and the ladies know it. Not that that will stop them from going. Not at all.

Almost immediately, one of the Dark Lord’s many kitty cat-sweatered mom-ish minions informs her of Kim D’s grave offence, and she flies off the rails, zooming to Posche in her evil Range Raven with murder on the mind. She barges into the teeny boutique demanding to see Kim IMMEDIATELY. However, the lady at the counter is on the phone, and sort of bitchily does a “hold on a second” finger in the air thing. Danielle obviously cannot abide such a slight, so she storms out of the boutique screeching “YOU HAVE KIM CALL ME WHEN SHE GETS BAAAAAACK!” before disappearing in a puff of sulphur.

Eventually, Kim does come back, claiming she was just next door “paying the water bill” which seems weird, since who pays a water bill in person? Anyway, she calls the outraged Danielle back, and The Jersey Mantis comes swooping back into the salon. Sensing imminent danger, the front desk lady leaves the boutique before Danielle returns, living to see another day. Danielle talks to Kim about how RUDE her employee was and how UPSET she is. Kim says sawree and who cayuhs. The two hiss at each other like this for a few more minutes, but ultimately come to a shakey truce. For now.

Back at Manzo Manor, Caroline still haz a sad. This time to cure her sad she tries to convince her husband to retire, so she can have someone in the house besides her dogs. Husband does not want to retire, and loves working. Caroline’s sad remains.

Later, she overcomes her sad for a brief moment, long enough to head over to Jacqueline’s for some girl talk and syrupy dranks (I believe they called what they were drinking a “butter baby,” which, whatever is in it, sounds disgusting). Teresa is also there, and pretty soon it becomes evident that they only had Caroline over to get her opinion of the whole Posche Fashion Show thing. Caroline is obviously very much anti-this, since nothing good ever comes from 1) fashion shows or 2) Danielle. The ladies still decide that they’ll go though, cuz of contracts and all.

And so, the next day, it’s time for the dreaded event! First, Kim G arrives at Danielle’s in her Rentley, wearing a sparkly shirt, tights, heels, and no pants. Poor thing forgot to cover her chuckie! She rings Danielle’s novelty Halloween scream doorbell, and after a few minutes Danielle descends from her web in the rafters and lets her guest in. After debating which sexxxyboots to wear, Danielle finally decides on some thigh-high prostie boots and they head out.

While Danielle and Kim G are en route, Teresa and Jacqueline arrive at the party wearing matching fur vests. Kim D greets them, screeching about how happy she is to see them, and telling them that they are at her table, as honored guests.

They take their seats, and soon enough Danielle arrives, and she is placed at a different table, DIRECTLY FACING the guest of honor table. Danielle, again, cannot abide this slight, and freaks out again. This time, it’s by pretending she’s not interested in the fashion show, pretending to talk on her phone (“Paris Hilton taught me that.” Barf.), and talking shit on how terrible all the models are (Kim G points out that this is because none of them are professional models). Also, when Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley, who is one of the models, stomps down the runway, Danielle calls her a coke whore, which, umm, pot, meet kettle.

After the fashion show, everyone basically sits at their respective tables and stares at each other until Danielle decides she’s had enough and leaves. Curiously, suddenly Jacqueline notices that Teresa has gone missing. Where could she have gone? Where did she possib-oh shit. Oh shit, Teresa went to go cut Danielle’s brakelines!

Jacqueline, in a panic, runs out of the room to go stop Teresa. However, rather than finding her hunched under Danielle’s car with a set of wire cutters, Teresa is instead sitting calmly in the hallway. She says she is waiting for Danielle, to “say hello.” Jacqueline pleads with her to leave, but she doesn’t, and then it’s too late. Danielle and crew walk by, passing Teresa, who in turn yells her name.

Teresa starts out nice enough, making fake but pleasant small talk, asking about Danielle’s daughter and stuff. But then Teresa calls Danielle honey, and Danielle says “Don’t call me honey,” and then Teresa asks if “bitch” is better, and then Danielle says “That’s a e-fucking-nough” and then before we know it we are in a fight and it’s people screaming and things are happening. That was quick.

And with that, in typical Bravo style, the episode ends, dragging this fight out to next week. From the previews, it looks like Danielle cries, gets her weave pulled by Ashley Sheree Whitfield style, and the cops get called. The whole thing looks nuts, and we’re only halfway through the series. What the hell is going to happen at the finale?! I shudder to think.

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