Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Tale of the Squaretit Grinch

Look at this! Posting a recap at the appropriate time, the morning after the show airs! Crazy, right? Also crazy: Danielle! Seriously, she was so nuts this week. Each episode of this show is 60 minutes of sheer on-edge terror.

Before we get to the Danielle Staub terror-du-jour though, let's talk about Teresa. This week, the Italian Dina Lohan hauled daughter Gia to an audition for a big time movie with current megasuperstar and worldwide heartthrob Christian Slater. Teresa interviews that Gia's acting career has stalled, but her modeling is on the up up up! Still, she wants her baby to be a Liza Minelli triple threat, so she keeps pushing her on the acting.

While Gia is in the other room doing a terrible audition, Teresa demonstrates how she is "so not a stage mom" by rattling off all the ways in which she is a stage mom as the other parents roll their eyes. Note to Teresa: if other stage parents find you to be too overbearing it may be time to re-evaluate.

Later, they learn the unfortunate news that Gia did not get the part, probably because she is a bad actress. However, presumably to not hurt the little girl's feelings, Gia's manager says it's because of her terrible Joisey accent. Teresa is all "Whaddya tawkin about? She ain't got no Joisey accent! Now I'm gonna go drink cuahfee wit da doawgs." Still, they send her off to a weird lady voice coach who looks like an adult baby. They humor her, but Teresa interviews that Gia doesn't think she needs to change her Jersey drawl, and neither does she. I mean, there's tons of roles out there for brassy New Jersey 9 year olds! It's as common a role as "spinster DA" or "black female judge!"

While that whole mess is going on, we move on to Jacqueline, who is having some nice alone girlytime getting her nails done. This seems to be the only form of entertainment available in Franklin Lakes besides causing scenes at cancer benefits and flipping tables, because that is all these ladies do during their downtime. Anyway, Jacky-Tabacky is just having a grand old time gossiping with her nail buffer person when who should show up at the salon totally spontaneously and not pre-staged at all but Kim G! That's right, the Kim G, the new Leia in the gold bikini to Danielle's Jabba.

Kim sits down in the chair right next to Jacqueline, who for her part is very outwardly friendly, though you can tell she's actually like "Awwwww shit." You can also tell that because she basically interviews as such. The two exchange brief pleasantries and then Kim immediately starts to unload about Danielle and crew's psychotic behavior at the sick baby fundraiser. Fortunately for Jacqueline, her baby starts crying from the other room so she is able to interrupt Kim briefly and attend to her child. Pretty soon though Kim is all "Hey! F your baby in the A, I'm tellin a story here!" and continues. She mentions wanting to bring the drama up with Danielle, and Jacqueline is all "LOLZ! Good luck!" because she knows that criticizing Danielle will only lead to you having hydrochloric acid poured on your face while you sleep. Though for Kim that might be a plus, since she's obviously no stranger to a chemical peel.

Ignoring Jacqueline's advice, Kim confronts Danielle that night while they are getting their hurr did for Danielle's 500th birthday bash. Although Kim only brings up the part about Danny calling Chris a faggot, Danielle predictably flies off the rails and gets hyperdefensive. She says that she thought Danny's use of that word was offensive, but didn't want to bring it up at the event, even though she flipped out last season when Teresa's husband called their dance instructor gay. She then crazily starts screaming "WELL SHAME ON THE MANZO'S FOR NOT BEING DOWN THERE AND PUTTING THEIR SON IN THAT POSITION!" completely missing the point that it's the use of the word "faggot" and not to whom it was said that is the issue. I honestly wonder whether she wilfully twists the facts of things, or if that's just something she subconsciously does. Serious Kelly Bensimon territory.

Things get even weirder when Kim G's mother (?) confronts Danielle about the comment as well. This causes Danielle to start crying about how she doesn't need people defending the dreaded Manzo clan on this, her thousandth birthday. Seeing the crazometer ratcheting up before their eyes, Kim Gs young and old back off and they all head back to the party where Danielle gives a bizarre toast to that seems like a veiled death threat. Scary stuff!

The next day things have gone back to normal between the two because Danielle has bigger fish to fry, fish by the name'a Ashley. Yes, JACQUELINE'S DAUGHTER Ashley. Apparently Ashley (that sounds like a failed sitcom: "Apparently Ashley, starring Brooke Sheilds, this fall on ABC"), did not like Danielle's behavior at the Brownstone and in retaliation sent her a facebook message that said something like "I hate you and I hope you burn in hell" or something. Upon receipt of this message, Danielle goes nuts, cursing to herself, pacing in her kitchen, the whole nine terrible yards.

Soon, Kim G shows up, cuz what else does she have to do, and Danielle unloads about the situation. Apparently this isn't the first online war she's had with Ashley. Turns out the girl has set up "hate sites" about Danielle and has been harrassing her for a while. This is bad. Not so much the sentiment about Danielle, because, yeah, she is crazy. But you do not engage the Danielle! You do not provoke the Danielle! She's like the demon in Paranormal Activity, acknowledging her only makes her stronger.

Later that day Teresa and Jacqueline have lunch, and at that point the situation has further spiraled out of control. Danielle has now begun going around town telling anyone who will listen about how Jacqueline's daughter personally went to her house and burned a cross on her lawn while screaming "Heil Hitler!" and tapdancing on an American flag. Jacqueline, understandably concerned, calls her daughter over to figure out the truth. Ashley tells her that she only told her to go to hell, and didn't mail antrax to Danielle's children. Regardless, Jacqueline upbraids her daughter and tells her to cut off all contact with She Who Shall Not Be Named.

That night, the Manzos have'a da bigga Italian'a dinner'a party, and everyone is invited (except the Mantis Queen, obviously). The whole Manzo clan is present, as well as Jacqueline and fam, and Teresa and Joe, who are an hour and a half late. Once the Giudices arrive, they all sit down and have a nice dinner, until Ashley foolishly brings up the Danielle Facebook dramz. Everyone yells at her for getting involved, but Ashely says that she only got involved because Danielle had messaged her saying she needs to loose weight. This prompted Ashley to respond, and I quote, "You need to fix your square tit and you look like a Grinch." HA! HAHAHAHAHA! OMG I LOL'd so hard at that one, and so did the entire table. Everyone was like "HAHA! Ahem, Ashley, that's HA a very bad HAHAHA thing to say AHAHAHAHASQUARETIT LOLZ!" Anyway, after a long venting session, they all vow to never speak of Danielle again. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

Missing from this family dinner is Dina, who instead decides to meet with the Squaretit Grinch to tell her she wants nothing to do with her. While I love the hell out of Dina, this seems a little weird. Why call up a person you have no contact with to tell them you want no contact with them? Seems odd.

Anyway, they agree to meet at some restaurant called "Chakra," just them, woman to woman, although Danielle has Danny sit in the parking lot in case I dunno, Dina tries to stab her or something. Dina sits down, and immediately gets to the point: Danielle was crazy, but Dina thought she could change. However, she actually can't change, and is still crazy and a cancer on society, so she wants nothing to do with her. Danielle, not one to take criticism like this, starts in on her whole "you Manzos hate me and I'm being persecuted" dog and pony show, and things start to get heated.

At which point the episode ends and Bravo is all "WATCH WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WEEK SUCKAS!" and Andy Cohen does a little victory dance on his money pile.

Next week we get the resolution of this fight and we also find out which housewife will be leaving the show in the SHOCKER. OF. THE. SEASON. I'm pretty sure it's going to be Dina, since she's barely been in the season and seems pretty over it. Good for her! Although being my favorite, I'm sad to see her go. Next week should be good!

In the meantime, you should read Dina and Danielle's blogs from the Bravo site. Dina's is AWESOME and Danielle's is characteristically nuts.

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