Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Real Housewives of NYC Recap: LuAnn is a skanksnake.

Again, late, yes, sorry. But y'all know me! That's my style! That's why you luuuuuurve me. Right? RIGHT?! RIGHT?!?!?!?! Yeah, that's what I thought.

So, apologies for skipping a week. Basically, what happened before this past episode was Kelly finally went full-tit-and-minge in Playboy, much to her daughters' dismay, The countess hosted some bizarre event at Ungaro where she and Jill say mean things about Alex's kids, and Bethenny, Jill, and the Countess all yell at each other after a fashion show. It was basically another set-up episode. Oh! And the Countess finds out that her daughter's male fiends think she is a hot piece of a. All caught up? Good!

Now! This past week's episode was quite a doozie, wasn't it? Basically all the burbling ladypots from the previous week's episode boiled over, which made for some good TV. And there were more fashion show fights! Let's begin.

This week's episode starts at another fancy fashion show for whatsherface or whooshername. LuAnn and Kelly are there whooping it up backstage when who should arrive but Bethenny. DUN DUN DUN! They make nice for a little bit at first, until LuAnn gives some (real or perceived) dig at Bethenny, and then the two are at it fighting like cats in a bag. Things blow up, and Bethenny calls LuAnn a liar and a snake (which LuAnn hilariously mishears as "skank." She would). Then, adding insult to injury, the two have to sit next to each other during the show because Kelly would rather sit next to her BFF Lisa Rinna. Yeah, she was there too, the hemorrhoid-lipped former host of the weirdest show in the history of television. So that was bizarre.

The next day, it's more fashion shows! Seriously, these bitches LOVE fashion shows. This time it's Ramona, who takes mean daughter Avery to her first ever fashion show. When they get there, they run into Kelly, who fawns over Avery and is all "awwwww, this is your firrssstt shooooooow? How cuuuuuute!" in her weird pornofreakbaby voice. Ramona acts very motherly and nice until Kelly invites her to Perez Hilton's party, at which point she tosses Avery in a taxicab and is all "When do we leave? I wanna come! Let's go!" Kelly interviews about how much she did not approve of this, but I didn't see the big deal. It's not like she made her walk home through hobotown. She took a friggin cab!

So anyway, crazyeyes and the walking stick that was made human by a benevolent fairy hightail it over to Perez Hilton's big gay extravaganza, where they meet up with Jill. The ladies chit chat for a bit with Mr. Hilton who grabs Jill's boobs and is strangely pantsless. Once they are done being sexually assaulted, they find a quiet corner to talk shit. Kelly starts to relay the LuAnn vs. Bethenny fight until Jill takes over and is all "Well I heard..." even though she wasn't there. Ramona is uncharacteristically tight-lipped, interviewing that she is trying to be nice and "remain neutral." Ha! That will last a total of 15 minutes (more on that later!).

Next, it's on to an event that Bethenny is hosting for noted terriblegay and newfound Logo-lebrity (do those even exist?) Robert Verdi, although we don't actually get to see him. It seems that "hosting" means Bethenny shilling her Skinnygirl Tinybooze products in a back room. Alex shows up and Bethenny immediately launches into recapping her fight with Jill, after which Alex brings up how she is mad at Jill for being a bitch about her babes. Later, Kelly shows up, and after Bethenny forces her to do a Skinnygirl Margaritabong the two ladies call a truce and let bygones be bygones. Awww! That's nice, now let me see if it will last for the rest of the season.

While that's going on, Jill, mother Gloria, and sister Lisa are at a photoshoot for the cover of their upcoming book "Secrets of a Pushy Yenta: How to Involve Yourself in the Lives of Near-Strangers." It hits stores soon, check it out! Anyway, all three women are very demanding and complain about everything. The clothes, the lighting, the way they're being posed. Everything.

Once they finish terrorizing the photo session staff, all three head back to Jill's place where they ambush LuAnn with unsolicited Gloria advice about her upcoming divorce. Gloria asks LuAnn a bunch of probing questions and then tells her to call her before dissappearing in a puff of smoke.

After the room clears of the mysterious gasses, they head off to Saks Fifth Avenue where Jill is "hosting" an event to kick off their new floor. However, to me it just seemed like a ploy by Saks to get a bunch of ladies drunk and have them buy clothes. Which is brilliant. Kadooz, Saks.

So anyway, everyone's at the party, having a grand old time drinking wine, trying on gowns, and drinking more wine. And that was the problem. Ramona drank wine. A LOT of wine, and then proceeded to terrorize the group. Everyone was talking, having good time, and then Ramona walks up to Kelly and interrupts her conversation to say "So, I hear you got your breasts redone. Is that true? Did you get your breasts redone? Huh? Tits fixed? Hooters hitched? Bazooms bazoinked? Huh?!"

Kelly finds this wildly inappropriate. How dare Ramona mention her breasts that will soon be in a widely-circulated magazine for everyone to see?! Some things are private! SACRED! MY BODY IS MY TEMPLE! So, she yells at Ramona, but Ramona refuses to back down, and complains to Alex that she doesn't see what the big deal is.

Alex, perhaps enboldened by Ramona's confrontational spirit, goes on to confront Jill about all the mean shit she said about her bebes. Jill calmly says she didn't say anything mean, and that it was LuAnn. Then Alex inexplicably breaks into a full-on ugly cry, I guess because she was expecting Jill to be meaner or something? So the ladies sort of make up, and Jill brings over LuAnn to also apologize, since it was really her who started the whole mess anyway. The ladies quasi-make up, but I don't think it will last.

And that was that for this week! These ladies are really going all out with the drama this season, huh? It seems like every goddamned episode has umpteen minifights about bizarre nonsensical shit. While it's entertaining, it's also getting dangerously close to Bad Girls Club territory.

God, how great would that be. Crossover time! Are you listening, BravoAndy?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Real Housewives of NYC Recap: A Tale of Two Labor Day Parties

Hachachacha! Housewives! ::jazz hands:: Sorry for the recap delay, my 25th birthday was on Friday and I am just now emerging out of the beer-soaked haze.

This week's visit to Planet Yenta was certainly an improvement on last week's mostly-boring recap episode. This week we got results!

First we pay a visit to the Countess's Hamptons Home, which I suppose she received in the divorce (daughter Victoria should hightail it out of there before LuAnn pulls a Grey Gardens on her, s'all I'm sayin). Guess who decided to swing by on her way to...somewhere? Rosie! That's right, LuAnn's sassy, newly-weaved, Filipina former-housekeeper. Apparently the commute to the Hamptons was too long for her, so she had to say farewell. LuAnn interviews how she misses Rosie for her personality and advice, but I think she misses her more because Rosie always remembered where the Countess left her keys when she passed out face down in the entryway after a night of hard partying.

They all sit around and catch up, LuAnn remarking how "funny" it is that she is serving Rosie as she hands her a glass of iced tea. Hardy har har. Anyhoo, the two chit chat it up and LuAnn talks about her problems and tries to make it seem like her life isnt falling completely to shambles around her. LuAnn then tries to get Rosie to go for a feather duster sitting under a box propped up by a stick, but Rosie doesn't fall for the trap and bids the Countess adieu.

While that was going on, a different meeting was happening accrosshampton between Ramona/Mario and Bethenny/Jason. They chitchat and bizarrely, vaguely sexually cuddle up to each others partners. The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with Bethenny's razor-sharp jawline.

After the commercial break, the Singers (Swingers, HA!) have moved on to a different drinks-n-dinny date, this time with Alex and Simon, who are apparently the couple's new BFF's. Simon and Mario show up wearing basically the exact same thing and everyone is all "LOL! Our husbands are vaguely-gay partyboys!" This goes on for sixteen hours before the couples finally sit down to begin their meal. They all get sloppy and talk shit on LuAnn and her beef with Mario, and how they're upset that LuAnn isn't coming to Ramona's Big Labor Day Gangbang.

To remedy things, Mario slurrily calls up the Countess and leaves a voicemail being like "Awwww comeon babycakes, daddy loves you. Come to our party. Lets hug it out." LuAnn, Mario's balls are in your court.

The next day, it's back to Casa de la Divorciada Roto, where Jill and LuAnn replay Mario's voicemail and try to decipher it's meaning, as if it's some sort of Navajo wartime code. It's in English, ladies! Plain as day! Stop acting like 12 year old girls writing in a burn book!

However, ultimately, the ladies decide to throw Ramona a bone, and invite her to their own Labor Day Gangbang. Jill puts Ramona on speakerphone during the call, and I forget exactly what happened to cause things to escalate, but it ended with Ramona screeching about LuAnn being a "slut" and a "whore" along with a string of other unprovoked expletives. So yeah, that didn't end so well.

So now we have a problem: Two Labor Day Gangbangs, One Day. Who will go where? Obviously Jill will be going to LuAnn's, since she is hoping that if she's really good and spends all summer at LuAnn's house and attends all her events, she'll give her a sock, and Jill will finally be free! FREE! And then Kelly, obviously, will be coming, because she'll hang out with whoever will have her.

Ah yes, Kelly, she of the wonky boob job. She disclosed to the ladies this episode that she'll be slithering her famed laquered canteloupe halves out in the hallowed pages of Playboy. Which, really? That's the best Housewife you could get, Hef? No Kim? No NeNe?

Anyway, Jill fakes being happy for her, but basically calls her Slutty McBadmom in her interview. LuAnn thinks it's fabulous, and purrs "Have I shown you my Playgirl?" Yes, LuAnn was hilariously on the cover of Playgirl clutching some Burt Reynolds cowboy, probs some time in the 80's. I love when we get to learn more about her "modeling" career.

So that's Team Countess. At Ramona's party, Bethenny is obvs attending, and then Alex and Simon also show up, along with some other random woman who gets supper aggro with Bethenny about how she's being mean to Jill. She's all "Jill is real upset, see! And you're a big meanface! Stop being mean to Jill! You're a meanie!" and Bethenny is all "Who the fuck are you? Get outta my face."

Since Alex is the only one who is still trying to be everybody's friend, Jill and LuAnn try to get her to come to their party after Ramona's. Alex had initially agreed, but faced with the fear of a Ramona scorned, she backs out. Jill and LuAnn are all "No, no, it's fine," even though it totally isn't fine. Like, not at all. Poor Alex. Who knew she'd be the most normal, likeable one this season?

So yeah, I think that's it for that episode? Oh wait, no! There was also a scene where Jill's daughter Ally drove a car! And Jill was like a baby in the back seat being like "Bridge! Bike! Fisherman!" Yeah, I guess it was funnier when you saw it...

This next episode has a catwalk showdown between Bethenny and Jill. And I mean like, they fight at a fashion show, not that they have some sort of walk-off modelfight. Wouldn't that be great?

Until next week time!

Monday, March 8, 2010

So, that happened.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

So, the Oscars happened last night. Overall, I thought it was pretty meh. Sure, there were some touching speeches and interesting moments, but the whole thing was seriously lacking on surprises. Yawn.

Some things I loved and hated were:

Meryl Streep (Loved)
Who doesn't love this bitch? She just seems so cool and down to earth, like some one I'd want to hang out with. Also, she looked amazing. At first I thought her dress (designed by Project Runway alum Chris March) looked very 80's shoulder padish, like something she would have worn in Death Becomes Her, but as the night wore on, I grew to really like it.

Also, did anyone notice how good the lighting on her was? Seriously, everyone else looked like they were in normal, theater audience lighting, but Meryl had inexplicable radiant light, perhaps from heaven above. Girl looked good, s'all I'm sayin.

George Clooney (Hated)
Seriously, what's this dude's problem? I've never seen someone maintain a sourpuss for 3+ hours straight. Jezebel has a great collection of his faces here. You don't want to be there, you're over it, fine, then don't show up! Nobody is forcing you to come to this awards ceremony with your hot, ESL, probably dumb as a bag of rocks girlfriend. Stay home. What a douche.

This Bitch (Loved)

How awesome was this? That poor directorgay was just getting started into his sappy speech and then everyone's drunk aunt had to come up and ruin it. Still, great TV.

20 Minute Long Best Actor/Actress Circle Jerks (Hated)
So unnecessary. Do we really care that Michelle Pfeiffer thought it was fun working with Jeff Bridges a hundred years ago? Or that Vera Farmiga was super stoked to work with George Clooney because he is "attractive?" No. Nobody cares except for these self-indulgent assholes.

You know what I would have LOVED though? If they did this for best supporting actress, and Pumkin went up to talk about the time Mo'Nique called her "the whore of Charm School." That would have been awesome.

Catherine Bigelow Winning (Loved)
Granted, I didn't see The Hurt Locker, and I know a lot of people don't think it was the best movie of the year, but it was still kinda heartwarming to see her win and how emotional she got. Also, it's pretty cool that the first female winner for Best Director got it for such a non-traditionally female film. So, props to her.

Look, I'm sure Sandra Bullock is a nice person or whatever, but seriously, fuck that. I know a lot of people are saying that she derved it, and it was her time, but to that I say, "What do you mean she deserved it?" Sandra Bullock builds a career out of doing mediocre performances in shitty movies, and then she makes one film that was decently acted, and now she deserves an Oscar? And for THIS movie of all movies? Blech. I will say her speech was touching though.

So yeah, those were basically my highlights. Other things I liked were Sean Penn's usual awards show weirdness, Gabourey Sidibe working it during the intro, and a surprise appearance by Oprah. Those were all great. The rest though? Predictable masturbatory snoozefest.

Oh, and WTF was up with the length? 3 and a half hours is unacceptable. And how could they leave Bea Arthur and Farrah Fawcett out of the dead people segment? Shameful!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Real Housewives of New York City Recap: How it Begins

New Yoooooooork! Concrete jungle where ladies say catty things to each other at lunch! Let’s hear it for New Yooooooork!

They’re back! As the sun sets on the post-apocalyptic wastelands of Orange County, it rises in the East, shining on those other housewives. Those brittle Manhattanites. The Real Housewives of New York City have returned!

We begin this season as we do every season of RHONY: in the Hamptons. This time, it's on a yacht that Ramona has rented from a "friend" of hers. Jill and Countess LuAnn are the first to arrive on the boat, and are greeted by a characteristically manic Ramona, all wild-eyed and peppy. And she is wearing a bikini! According to Ramona, she is rejuvinating her life and starting anew, which apparently involves losing a ton of weight and cutting/dying your hair. She says with this new look, she resembles and older Cameron Diaz, which, maybe...if you squint. Like, really hard.

Then! Just as the ladies get comfortable, a Simon-less Alex McCord arrives. See, apparnetly another part of the Rejuvination of RiRi is her cutting the riggings of old biases and looking at relationships with a new light. So, she is giving Alex a second chance. Ramona bounds up to her, gives her champagne, hugs her, and acts as if they are lifelong bff's. This is nice, but also a little creepy. If I were Alex I think I'd be a little disturbed.

So anyway, everyone arrives, and the Hausfraus push off for the high seas, along with some other random ladies. They all have a grand old time. For like, 5 minutes. Then the bitchfest begins. First, it's the topic of Bethenny. See, Ms. Frankel was conspicuously absent because she was not invited. Ramona had nothing against her, but Jill and Bethenny apparently hate each other now, and Ramona didn't want any drama on her booze cruise.

The reason that the two are no longer friends is still a little unclear, but it has something to do with Bethenny thinking Jill was too clingy, and telling her that she needed to get a hobby.

Speaking of hobbies, Ramona has a jewelry line on QVC! So, she took the opportunity of having a captive audience (literally) to show off her jewels. Jill was none too happy about this, since she thought it wasn't classy. The classy thing to do, what ZARIN FABRICS would have done, would be to give out giftbags with free jewels in it. So, bascially Jill is mad because Ramona didn't give her a free ring of ambiguous quality. She really isn't getting a very kind edit this season, is she?

Another big boat drama was the beef LuAnn has with Ramona's husband. Things were going very well, with Ramona and LuAnn havign a nice conversation, until suddenly LuAnn was like "Now, we both know what we need to talk about" and Ramona was like, "Not now! Not Now!" But it happened now.

I guess all the ladies were at some event, and Mario referred to the Countess as being "Countless," because she be divorcin.' LuAnn did not think this was very funny, and demanded an apology. Ramona said that Mario felt bad, but that LuAnn should talk to him about it. Then, things escalated, as they always do, and there was yelling and storming off in a huff, and Jill somehow got involved (again, not so nice of an edit for that one).

Ramona went to the interior of the boat to cry and drink with her "friends" and LuAnn and Jill went off to gossip about Mario and Ramona to Alex, who didn't really seem to care. But, ultimately, everyone made up in the end (well, sort of anyway) and did gigantic tequila shots out of wine glasses.

(Side note: Didn't LuAnn use to say that "the Countess does not do shots?" I guess that was pre-divorce. Now she's slamming back Jagerbombs and doing body shots. Single ladies!)

So the ladies disembark from their battleship, and we move on to the city, where Bethenny is perched nude high atop a building like some sort of square-jawed SkinnyGargoyle (tm). Apparently, she is doing one of those dumb "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" ads that PETA gets C to D list celebrities to do.

Bethenny interviews that her life is great, just great, especially because...she has a new man! In the next scene we meet this mysterious Jason (I think that was his name?). He's not a knockout or anything, but he is a step up from her previous bald unpleasant asshole of a boyfriend. He acts all pearl-clutchy about her nude photoshoot, but I think that's a little bit of a show for the cameras. He mentions how she hilariously e-mailed the photos to his work e-mail.

Next! It's back to the Hamptons, where Jill and LuAnn do lunch with...Kelly Bensimon? WTF? Apparently a lot has changed since the last season. Now they're thick as thieves.

Despite this scene lasting rather long, not a whole lot happens. They talk and bitch. LuAnn complains about Ramona and her husband. Jill complains about Bethenny. Kelly recites cliched phrases about life. Seriously, she's like "I'm just looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right now, or Mr. Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush. I'd rather just stitch in time to save nine, you know?" And, basically, that was that. Kelly pays, and the ladies leave.

The final major plot point this episode happens when Bethenny and The Countless do lunch. Apparently, LuAnn made her drive 2 hours out of her way so that they could eat somewhere close to the Countess's Hamptons House. That would be, as Bethenny would say, Dis-Countess.

Anyway, Bethenny rolls up with Jasper in a fucking SkinnyGirl-branded VW beetle (very emasculating) and heads inside, leaving JayJay to amuse himself. Inside, Bethenny finds a slightly annoyed LuAnn. Does anyone else get a Catherine Tramell vibe from her? I was half expecting her to ask Bethenny if she wanted a cigarette.

The ladies say hello, and almost immediately launch into attack mode. LuAnn crazily is like "So, who's paying for these drinks? Me? You?" Apparently, this refers to some perceived slight last season about Bethenny calling her cheap. These bitches really hold a grudge, don't they?

So they go on like this for a while, saying mean things to each other, and then fakely make up. Bethenny calls LuAnn a "dumb drag queen" in her interview. Ha!

So that was that, right? Nothing else? This opening episode was pretty tame compared to other Housewife-openers. The previews for the rest of the season make it look like theres some good stuff coming: fights, new housewives, Jill figure skating (huh?), Ramona modeling and giving crazy eyes. Can't wait!

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: How it Ends

Well folks, this is it. After a wild, bumpy, life-changing/ruining ride, the fifth RHOC season has come to a close. Can you believe this show has been on for that long? Though, to be fair, at this point the whole cast has been replaced except for Vicki, so it's not quite the same show. But whatever.

So, in grand OC housewife tradition, the final episode of the season ended with a big party. This time, they did away with any pretense of this being a pre-planned party celebrating an engagement/birthday/end-of-summer, etc. and just called it the "final party." Way to try, Bravo.

The first to head out in a fancy limo were the Gunvalson clan, all cheery and together. Except for Vicki nitpicking about how son Michael should have worn his "Burberry slacks and a button down white shirt," the family seemed to be doing pretty well. I did want to barf a little bit when Donn (I just found out he has a very-OC extra N in his name!) and Vicki cooed over eachothers new rings though. I love how over it and down to earth the Gunvalson children seem to be too.

Not so together were Tamra and Simon, who at this point are basically just hissing and throwing feces at one another 24/7. Seriously, first they're in the house getting ready, and Simon tells Tamra to stop dressing like a whorecougartramp and just hurry up and wear this burqa. Tamra is all "screw you and your burqa! I'm wearing my slutty dress!" She also had did her hair into a style that my boyfriend aptly compared to Sindel from Mortal Kombat. Watch out Simon! Her hair will consume you until nothing is left but a pile of bones!

After the fight in the house, the two go on to fight in the limo. I can't really remember what started it (do they even need a reason at this point?), but things quickly escalate further than any fight between them has gone before. Simon accuses Tamra of having become a different person, and of being a bad mother, which sets Tamra off. The two yell and scream and go "Do you wanna go there?! Do you wanna go there?!" until Tamra finally says in a disturbingly deep and throaty voice, "I want a divorce. Fuck you!" Yowza!

Eventually the limo arrives, and Simon realizes that they need to put on a good face since they're going into a party, so he launches into creepy emotionally abusive mode. He holds Tamra, and in a nice, comforting tone of voice he's like "We shouldn't have fought. You're not a bad mom, you're a great mom. You just need to reprioritize. Look at me. No, look at me. We're great. We're great. Look at me. You just need to figure out what's important and stop trying to be someone else. Ok? Ok? Look at me. No, look at me. There we go. We're good. Right? Right? Right? Look at me. I love you." Seriously, I'm hardly embellishing. It was creepy as hell.

Ike and Tina 2.0 wind up entering the party, along with housewives past and present! Our Lady of Huge Tits is there with her husband Slimer-With-a-Goatee, bizarrely clad in a Seinfeldian puffy shirt. They also drag the newly surgeried Bigboobs Sr. to the party, who is dressed like some sort of Elvira sea witch in all black and black lipstick, probably to distract from her being re-faced 9 DAYS PRIOR. Everyone tells her she looks great, but she looks extremely puffy and uncomfortable. Sad.

Gretch-n-Slade show up in wedding-like clothes, which makes everyone think they were tricked into a surprise Hell-wedding. But, they are not. Y'all got punk'd!

Old (in the no-longer-on-this-show sense) housewives were there too! Jeana came with Kara and Shane, acting as pilly and loopy as ever. Lauri (remember her?)came with husband and daughters, both biological and step, in tow. They all seem to get along and the daughters didn't act like overgrown babies, so for a minute I was like "Awww, look at them! What a good family!" until I remembered that Lauri has a meth-addicted son who is probably in jail somewhere if not on the street doing god knows what. Not so cute after all...

Speaking of not so cute, the Curtins show up, and boy howdy are their two monsters causing a SCENE! The Curtinspawn arrive three sheets to the wind, screeching and hooting and yelling "HIEEEEEEE! HEEEEEEY! HIEEEEEEE!" to people. Lynne interviews that on the limo ride over, the girls must have gotten into some alcohol and put it in their water bottles. She justifies her letting this happen by saying that they were at the other end of the limo. "It was a big limo." #parentingfail.

Everyone at the party notices how trashed the little monsters are, so Slade walks up to Frank and tells him that his daughters are s-faced and he needs to get them in control. However, instead of getting mad at the girls, Lynne is mad at Slade for mentioning this and making her pull her head out of the sand.

Lynne and Frank approach the girls and make a feeble attempt to calm them down. Lynne's all "Whasss..w...whass goin on?" and the girls essentially tell her to shut it and storm off. Lynne gets a little upset, and Frank just says "Awww, they're fine. They'll grow up soon. It's fine." You might also remember Frank from his role as the string quartet playing on the deck as the ship goes down in Titanic.

Later, the older Lynnespawn leaves the party in a huff for some reason, and the younger one has a hissyfit. After not too long, Jeana and Kara come in to rescue Lynne. Kara amazingly talks baby Lynnespawn off the drunken ledge, and before we know it she's back to her bubbly drunk self. It looks like Kara has had a lot of experience talking down and validating drunk prettygirls. See! College is good for something!

Lynne interviews that the whole situation this season has been a big wakeup call, and that she's going to get more involved and take control of her family, and it's just all very sad, because like, Lynne, your kids are basically grown now. It's too late. Way, way, way too late.

So let's see...other stuff happened! Lauri and Gretchen have a passive-aggressive fight-disguised-as-exchanging-pleasantries about Slade. Lauri is all "You're really dating him? Really?! Wowwwwww...good for you?" and Gretchen says that it's not like Lauri and Slade even dated. Meoww!

What else? Tamra pulls Vicki aside and cries to her about how terrible her life is, and how she can't push her head in her pillow far enough and wish her life away, which was actually really depressing and sad. Vicki tells her to wake up, because it is her life, and she needs to make shit happen.

After not too long, Simon the Terrible, sensing someone else speaking to his wife, lumbers up and tries to do his creepy emotional manipulation, but it doesn't seem to work too well this time. The two wind up leaving the party seperately, lives and dignity in shambles.

And with that, the party ends! While the staff at the St. Regis are spraying down the guests and screaming "Get! Now get, you hear?! Get!" the traditional end-of-season "where are they now" placards begin to flash. Vicki and Co. are still doing great, Alexis works for her plastic surgeon now, Tamra and Simon short sold their house and are divorcing, Gretch-n-Slade are still not-married, and the Curtins moved into a condo, with Frank "working for Lynne." Whatever that means. So basically, everyone sucks at life except Vicki. Well done! Kadooz!

So! That's that for this season of the OC housewives. I think we can safely say that this was the rock-bottom season. Though, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Things couldn't get any worse though? Right? Right?!

Until next season, farewell, you queens of Coto, you princesses of Orange County. Thank god we have your NY cousins to keep us company until then (more on that soon)!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My Dream

Last night I had the most ridiculous dream EVER, and I have to share it with somebody. Also, since it is heavily TV-related, it seems appropriate for this blog.

So, in my dream, I am watching The Hills, and they have just introduced a new character named "Brooke." Only "Brooke" is played by Penelope Cruz (with crimped hair). And she is on. Fire. Yelling at people, sassing, telling Audrina she betrayed her trust. Everything. So I totally freak out, and am like "OH MY FUCKING GOD PENELOPE CRUZ IS ON THE HILLS!"

But my boyfriend, whom I am watching it with, looks at me like I'm crazy and tells me that it's not Penelope Cruz, and that it's just a coincidence that the two look alike. But she had her accent and everything! So I keep insisting that it is, in fact, the Spanish Oscar winner, but he is not convinced. Sigh...it was seriously so frustrating.

So THEN, at some point, my dream transitions to the next day and I get a call from my mom, telling me that she and my dad were at a silent auction and won an internship position at Command PR (the PR company that those two horrible gays run on that new godawful E! show). Since they obviously wouldn't be using it (why did they bid on it then?), they though I might want it. Score!

So, I quit my job (?) and head to my first day of work at Command PR, and at this point the narrative changes, and I am now actually on a reality TV show. It cuts to some random girls in a fancy all-glass Downtown L.A. office being like "Ugh, I totally don't trust this guy. I mean, his parents bought his way into this position. Can he keep up?" Totally talking about me. Bitches.

THEN! All of a sudden Whitney Port is there and she's like "Aw, come on guys! Give him a chance! I looked at his resume, and he's got a lot of good experience." Ultimately, she convinces them, and they give me a chance. Whitney is so nice!

So then it's back to me, going to the office. So, I arrive in the reception area and...Patti effing Stanger from The Millionaire Matchmaker is working the front desk. What she's doing there is anybody's guess. Maybe the Millionaire's Club was having some hard times?

Anyway, she's totally in full bitch mode, yelling at some random other intern, and makes her cry. As the girl runs off, Patti turns to me and says, "Oh, so you must be the new guy. I hope you know what you're gettin' into!" To this, I reply "Oh, but I'm not doing fashion PR, I'm doing business to business (?)," to which she gives a knowing nod, and sends me on my way. And then I wake up.

So! There it is. That's what I dream about. But what does it all meeeeeeean?!

I think it means I watch way too much goddamned reality TV.