Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Real Housewives of NYC Recap: LuAnn is a skanksnake.

Again, late, yes, sorry. But y'all know me! That's my style! That's why you luuuuuurve me. Right? RIGHT?! RIGHT?!?!?!?! Yeah, that's what I thought.

So, apologies for skipping a week. Basically, what happened before this past episode was Kelly finally went full-tit-and-minge in Playboy, much to her daughters' dismay, The countess hosted some bizarre event at Ungaro where she and Jill say mean things about Alex's kids, and Bethenny, Jill, and the Countess all yell at each other after a fashion show. It was basically another set-up episode. Oh! And the Countess finds out that her daughter's male fiends think she is a hot piece of a. All caught up? Good!

Now! This past week's episode was quite a doozie, wasn't it? Basically all the burbling ladypots from the previous week's episode boiled over, which made for some good TV. And there were more fashion show fights! Let's begin.

This week's episode starts at another fancy fashion show for whatsherface or whooshername. LuAnn and Kelly are there whooping it up backstage when who should arrive but Bethenny. DUN DUN DUN! They make nice for a little bit at first, until LuAnn gives some (real or perceived) dig at Bethenny, and then the two are at it fighting like cats in a bag. Things blow up, and Bethenny calls LuAnn a liar and a snake (which LuAnn hilariously mishears as "skank." She would). Then, adding insult to injury, the two have to sit next to each other during the show because Kelly would rather sit next to her BFF Lisa Rinna. Yeah, she was there too, the hemorrhoid-lipped former host of the weirdest show in the history of television. So that was bizarre.

The next day, it's more fashion shows! Seriously, these bitches LOVE fashion shows. This time it's Ramona, who takes mean daughter Avery to her first ever fashion show. When they get there, they run into Kelly, who fawns over Avery and is all "awwwww, this is your firrssstt shooooooow? How cuuuuuute!" in her weird pornofreakbaby voice. Ramona acts very motherly and nice until Kelly invites her to Perez Hilton's party, at which point she tosses Avery in a taxicab and is all "When do we leave? I wanna come! Let's go!" Kelly interviews about how much she did not approve of this, but I didn't see the big deal. It's not like she made her walk home through hobotown. She took a friggin cab!

So anyway, crazyeyes and the walking stick that was made human by a benevolent fairy hightail it over to Perez Hilton's big gay extravaganza, where they meet up with Jill. The ladies chit chat for a bit with Mr. Hilton who grabs Jill's boobs and is strangely pantsless. Once they are done being sexually assaulted, they find a quiet corner to talk shit. Kelly starts to relay the LuAnn vs. Bethenny fight until Jill takes over and is all "Well I heard..." even though she wasn't there. Ramona is uncharacteristically tight-lipped, interviewing that she is trying to be nice and "remain neutral." Ha! That will last a total of 15 minutes (more on that later!).

Next, it's on to an event that Bethenny is hosting for noted terriblegay and newfound Logo-lebrity (do those even exist?) Robert Verdi, although we don't actually get to see him. It seems that "hosting" means Bethenny shilling her Skinnygirl Tinybooze products in a back room. Alex shows up and Bethenny immediately launches into recapping her fight with Jill, after which Alex brings up how she is mad at Jill for being a bitch about her babes. Later, Kelly shows up, and after Bethenny forces her to do a Skinnygirl Margaritabong the two ladies call a truce and let bygones be bygones. Awww! That's nice, now let me see if it will last for the rest of the season.

While that's going on, Jill, mother Gloria, and sister Lisa are at a photoshoot for the cover of their upcoming book "Secrets of a Pushy Yenta: How to Involve Yourself in the Lives of Near-Strangers." It hits stores soon, check it out! Anyway, all three women are very demanding and complain about everything. The clothes, the lighting, the way they're being posed. Everything.

Once they finish terrorizing the photo session staff, all three head back to Jill's place where they ambush LuAnn with unsolicited Gloria advice about her upcoming divorce. Gloria asks LuAnn a bunch of probing questions and then tells her to call her before dissappearing in a puff of smoke.

After the room clears of the mysterious gasses, they head off to Saks Fifth Avenue where Jill is "hosting" an event to kick off their new floor. However, to me it just seemed like a ploy by Saks to get a bunch of ladies drunk and have them buy clothes. Which is brilliant. Kadooz, Saks.

So anyway, everyone's at the party, having a grand old time drinking wine, trying on gowns, and drinking more wine. And that was the problem. Ramona drank wine. A LOT of wine, and then proceeded to terrorize the group. Everyone was talking, having good time, and then Ramona walks up to Kelly and interrupts her conversation to say "So, I hear you got your breasts redone. Is that true? Did you get your breasts redone? Huh? Tits fixed? Hooters hitched? Bazooms bazoinked? Huh?!"

Kelly finds this wildly inappropriate. How dare Ramona mention her breasts that will soon be in a widely-circulated magazine for everyone to see?! Some things are private! SACRED! MY BODY IS MY TEMPLE! So, she yells at Ramona, but Ramona refuses to back down, and complains to Alex that she doesn't see what the big deal is.

Alex, perhaps enboldened by Ramona's confrontational spirit, goes on to confront Jill about all the mean shit she said about her bebes. Jill calmly says she didn't say anything mean, and that it was LuAnn. Then Alex inexplicably breaks into a full-on ugly cry, I guess because she was expecting Jill to be meaner or something? So the ladies sort of make up, and Jill brings over LuAnn to also apologize, since it was really her who started the whole mess anyway. The ladies quasi-make up, but I don't think it will last.

And that was that for this week! These ladies are really going all out with the drama this season, huh? It seems like every goddamned episode has umpteen minifights about bizarre nonsensical shit. While it's entertaining, it's also getting dangerously close to Bad Girls Club territory.

God, how great would that be. Crossover time! Are you listening, BravoAndy?

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