Friday, March 5, 2010

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: How it Ends

Well folks, this is it. After a wild, bumpy, life-changing/ruining ride, the fifth RHOC season has come to a close. Can you believe this show has been on for that long? Though, to be fair, at this point the whole cast has been replaced except for Vicki, so it's not quite the same show. But whatever.

So, in grand OC housewife tradition, the final episode of the season ended with a big party. This time, they did away with any pretense of this being a pre-planned party celebrating an engagement/birthday/end-of-summer, etc. and just called it the "final party." Way to try, Bravo.

The first to head out in a fancy limo were the Gunvalson clan, all cheery and together. Except for Vicki nitpicking about how son Michael should have worn his "Burberry slacks and a button down white shirt," the family seemed to be doing pretty well. I did want to barf a little bit when Donn (I just found out he has a very-OC extra N in his name!) and Vicki cooed over eachothers new rings though. I love how over it and down to earth the Gunvalson children seem to be too.

Not so together were Tamra and Simon, who at this point are basically just hissing and throwing feces at one another 24/7. Seriously, first they're in the house getting ready, and Simon tells Tamra to stop dressing like a whorecougartramp and just hurry up and wear this burqa. Tamra is all "screw you and your burqa! I'm wearing my slutty dress!" She also had did her hair into a style that my boyfriend aptly compared to Sindel from Mortal Kombat. Watch out Simon! Her hair will consume you until nothing is left but a pile of bones!

After the fight in the house, the two go on to fight in the limo. I can't really remember what started it (do they even need a reason at this point?), but things quickly escalate further than any fight between them has gone before. Simon accuses Tamra of having become a different person, and of being a bad mother, which sets Tamra off. The two yell and scream and go "Do you wanna go there?! Do you wanna go there?!" until Tamra finally says in a disturbingly deep and throaty voice, "I want a divorce. Fuck you!" Yowza!

Eventually the limo arrives, and Simon realizes that they need to put on a good face since they're going into a party, so he launches into creepy emotionally abusive mode. He holds Tamra, and in a nice, comforting tone of voice he's like "We shouldn't have fought. You're not a bad mom, you're a great mom. You just need to reprioritize. Look at me. No, look at me. We're great. We're great. Look at me. You just need to figure out what's important and stop trying to be someone else. Ok? Ok? Look at me. No, look at me. There we go. We're good. Right? Right? Right? Look at me. I love you." Seriously, I'm hardly embellishing. It was creepy as hell.

Ike and Tina 2.0 wind up entering the party, along with housewives past and present! Our Lady of Huge Tits is there with her husband Slimer-With-a-Goatee, bizarrely clad in a Seinfeldian puffy shirt. They also drag the newly surgeried Bigboobs Sr. to the party, who is dressed like some sort of Elvira sea witch in all black and black lipstick, probably to distract from her being re-faced 9 DAYS PRIOR. Everyone tells her she looks great, but she looks extremely puffy and uncomfortable. Sad.

Gretch-n-Slade show up in wedding-like clothes, which makes everyone think they were tricked into a surprise Hell-wedding. But, they are not. Y'all got punk'd!

Old (in the no-longer-on-this-show sense) housewives were there too! Jeana came with Kara and Shane, acting as pilly and loopy as ever. Lauri (remember her?)came with husband and daughters, both biological and step, in tow. They all seem to get along and the daughters didn't act like overgrown babies, so for a minute I was like "Awww, look at them! What a good family!" until I remembered that Lauri has a meth-addicted son who is probably in jail somewhere if not on the street doing god knows what. Not so cute after all...

Speaking of not so cute, the Curtins show up, and boy howdy are their two monsters causing a SCENE! The Curtinspawn arrive three sheets to the wind, screeching and hooting and yelling "HIEEEEEEE! HEEEEEEY! HIEEEEEEE!" to people. Lynne interviews that on the limo ride over, the girls must have gotten into some alcohol and put it in their water bottles. She justifies her letting this happen by saying that they were at the other end of the limo. "It was a big limo." #parentingfail.

Everyone at the party notices how trashed the little monsters are, so Slade walks up to Frank and tells him that his daughters are s-faced and he needs to get them in control. However, instead of getting mad at the girls, Lynne is mad at Slade for mentioning this and making her pull her head out of the sand.

Lynne and Frank approach the girls and make a feeble attempt to calm them down. Lynne's all "Whasss..w...whass goin on?" and the girls essentially tell her to shut it and storm off. Lynne gets a little upset, and Frank just says "Awww, they're fine. They'll grow up soon. It's fine." You might also remember Frank from his role as the string quartet playing on the deck as the ship goes down in Titanic.

Later, the older Lynnespawn leaves the party in a huff for some reason, and the younger one has a hissyfit. After not too long, Jeana and Kara come in to rescue Lynne. Kara amazingly talks baby Lynnespawn off the drunken ledge, and before we know it she's back to her bubbly drunk self. It looks like Kara has had a lot of experience talking down and validating drunk prettygirls. See! College is good for something!

Lynne interviews that the whole situation this season has been a big wakeup call, and that she's going to get more involved and take control of her family, and it's just all very sad, because like, Lynne, your kids are basically grown now. It's too late. Way, way, way too late.

So let's see...other stuff happened! Lauri and Gretchen have a passive-aggressive fight-disguised-as-exchanging-pleasantries about Slade. Lauri is all "You're really dating him? Really?! Wowwwwww...good for you?" and Gretchen says that it's not like Lauri and Slade even dated. Meoww!

What else? Tamra pulls Vicki aside and cries to her about how terrible her life is, and how she can't push her head in her pillow far enough and wish her life away, which was actually really depressing and sad. Vicki tells her to wake up, because it is her life, and she needs to make shit happen.

After not too long, Simon the Terrible, sensing someone else speaking to his wife, lumbers up and tries to do his creepy emotional manipulation, but it doesn't seem to work too well this time. The two wind up leaving the party seperately, lives and dignity in shambles.

And with that, the party ends! While the staff at the St. Regis are spraying down the guests and screaming "Get! Now get, you hear?! Get!" the traditional end-of-season "where are they now" placards begin to flash. Vicki and Co. are still doing great, Alexis works for her plastic surgeon now, Tamra and Simon short sold their house and are divorcing, Gretch-n-Slade are still not-married, and the Curtins moved into a condo, with Frank "working for Lynne." Whatever that means. So basically, everyone sucks at life except Vicki. Well done! Kadooz!

So! That's that for this season of the OC housewives. I think we can safely say that this was the rock-bottom season. Though, I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Things couldn't get any worse though? Right? Right?!

Until next season, farewell, you queens of Coto, you princesses of Orange County. Thank god we have your NY cousins to keep us company until then (more on that soon)!

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