Friday, March 5, 2010

Real Housewives of New York City Recap: How it Begins

New Yoooooooork! Concrete jungle where ladies say catty things to each other at lunch! Let’s hear it for New Yooooooork!

They’re back! As the sun sets on the post-apocalyptic wastelands of Orange County, it rises in the East, shining on those other housewives. Those brittle Manhattanites. The Real Housewives of New York City have returned!

We begin this season as we do every season of RHONY: in the Hamptons. This time, it's on a yacht that Ramona has rented from a "friend" of hers. Jill and Countess LuAnn are the first to arrive on the boat, and are greeted by a characteristically manic Ramona, all wild-eyed and peppy. And she is wearing a bikini! According to Ramona, she is rejuvinating her life and starting anew, which apparently involves losing a ton of weight and cutting/dying your hair. She says with this new look, she resembles and older Cameron Diaz, which, maybe...if you squint. Like, really hard.

Then! Just as the ladies get comfortable, a Simon-less Alex McCord arrives. See, apparnetly another part of the Rejuvination of RiRi is her cutting the riggings of old biases and looking at relationships with a new light. So, she is giving Alex a second chance. Ramona bounds up to her, gives her champagne, hugs her, and acts as if they are lifelong bff's. This is nice, but also a little creepy. If I were Alex I think I'd be a little disturbed.

So anyway, everyone arrives, and the Hausfraus push off for the high seas, along with some other random ladies. They all have a grand old time. For like, 5 minutes. Then the bitchfest begins. First, it's the topic of Bethenny. See, Ms. Frankel was conspicuously absent because she was not invited. Ramona had nothing against her, but Jill and Bethenny apparently hate each other now, and Ramona didn't want any drama on her booze cruise.

The reason that the two are no longer friends is still a little unclear, but it has something to do with Bethenny thinking Jill was too clingy, and telling her that she needed to get a hobby.

Speaking of hobbies, Ramona has a jewelry line on QVC! So, she took the opportunity of having a captive audience (literally) to show off her jewels. Jill was none too happy about this, since she thought it wasn't classy. The classy thing to do, what ZARIN FABRICS would have done, would be to give out giftbags with free jewels in it. So, bascially Jill is mad because Ramona didn't give her a free ring of ambiguous quality. She really isn't getting a very kind edit this season, is she?

Another big boat drama was the beef LuAnn has with Ramona's husband. Things were going very well, with Ramona and LuAnn havign a nice conversation, until suddenly LuAnn was like "Now, we both know what we need to talk about" and Ramona was like, "Not now! Not Now!" But it happened now.

I guess all the ladies were at some event, and Mario referred to the Countess as being "Countless," because she be divorcin.' LuAnn did not think this was very funny, and demanded an apology. Ramona said that Mario felt bad, but that LuAnn should talk to him about it. Then, things escalated, as they always do, and there was yelling and storming off in a huff, and Jill somehow got involved (again, not so nice of an edit for that one).

Ramona went to the interior of the boat to cry and drink with her "friends" and LuAnn and Jill went off to gossip about Mario and Ramona to Alex, who didn't really seem to care. But, ultimately, everyone made up in the end (well, sort of anyway) and did gigantic tequila shots out of wine glasses.

(Side note: Didn't LuAnn use to say that "the Countess does not do shots?" I guess that was pre-divorce. Now she's slamming back Jagerbombs and doing body shots. Single ladies!)

So the ladies disembark from their battleship, and we move on to the city, where Bethenny is perched nude high atop a building like some sort of square-jawed SkinnyGargoyle (tm). Apparently, she is doing one of those dumb "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" ads that PETA gets C to D list celebrities to do.

Bethenny interviews that her life is great, just great, especially because...she has a new man! In the next scene we meet this mysterious Jason (I think that was his name?). He's not a knockout or anything, but he is a step up from her previous bald unpleasant asshole of a boyfriend. He acts all pearl-clutchy about her nude photoshoot, but I think that's a little bit of a show for the cameras. He mentions how she hilariously e-mailed the photos to his work e-mail.

Next! It's back to the Hamptons, where Jill and LuAnn do lunch with...Kelly Bensimon? WTF? Apparently a lot has changed since the last season. Now they're thick as thieves.

Despite this scene lasting rather long, not a whole lot happens. They talk and bitch. LuAnn complains about Ramona and her husband. Jill complains about Bethenny. Kelly recites cliched phrases about life. Seriously, she's like "I'm just looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right now, or Mr. Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush. I'd rather just stitch in time to save nine, you know?" And, basically, that was that. Kelly pays, and the ladies leave.

The final major plot point this episode happens when Bethenny and The Countless do lunch. Apparently, LuAnn made her drive 2 hours out of her way so that they could eat somewhere close to the Countess's Hamptons House. That would be, as Bethenny would say, Dis-Countess.

Anyway, Bethenny rolls up with Jasper in a fucking SkinnyGirl-branded VW beetle (very emasculating) and heads inside, leaving JayJay to amuse himself. Inside, Bethenny finds a slightly annoyed LuAnn. Does anyone else get a Catherine Tramell vibe from her? I was half expecting her to ask Bethenny if she wanted a cigarette.

The ladies say hello, and almost immediately launch into attack mode. LuAnn crazily is like "So, who's paying for these drinks? Me? You?" Apparently, this refers to some perceived slight last season about Bethenny calling her cheap. These bitches really hold a grudge, don't they?

So they go on like this for a while, saying mean things to each other, and then fakely make up. Bethenny calls LuAnn a "dumb drag queen" in her interview. Ha!

So that was that, right? Nothing else? This opening episode was pretty tame compared to other Housewife-openers. The previews for the rest of the season make it look like theres some good stuff coming: fights, new housewives, Jill figure skating (huh?), Ramona modeling and giving crazy eyes. Can't wait!

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