Hachachacha! Housewives! ::jazz hands:: Sorry for the recap delay, my 25th birthday was on Friday and I am just now emerging out of the beer-soaked haze.
This week's visit to Planet Yenta was certainly an improvement on last week's mostly-boring recap episode. This week we got results!
First we pay a visit to the Countess's Hamptons Home, which I suppose she received in the divorce (daughter Victoria should hightail it out of there before LuAnn pulls a Grey Gardens on her, s'all I'm sayin). Guess who decided to swing by on her way to...somewhere? Rosie! That's right, LuAnn's sassy, newly-weaved, Filipina former-housekeeper. Apparently the commute to the Hamptons was too long for her, so she had to say farewell. LuAnn interviews how she misses Rosie for her personality and advice, but I think she misses her more because Rosie always remembered where the Countess left her keys when she passed out face down in the entryway after a night of hard partying.
They all sit around and catch up, LuAnn remarking how "funny" it is that she is serving Rosie as she hands her a glass of iced tea. Hardy har har. Anyhoo, the two chit chat it up and LuAnn talks about her problems and tries to make it seem like her life isnt falling completely to shambles around her. LuAnn then tries to get Rosie to go for a feather duster sitting under a box propped up by a stick, but Rosie doesn't fall for the trap and bids the Countess adieu.
While that was going on, a different meeting was happening accrosshampton between Ramona/Mario and Bethenny/Jason. They chitchat and bizarrely, vaguely sexually cuddle up to each others partners. The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with Bethenny's razor-sharp jawline.
After the commercial break, the Singers (Swingers, HA!) have moved on to a different drinks-n-dinny date, this time with Alex and Simon, who are apparently the couple's new BFF's. Simon and Mario show up wearing basically the exact same thing and everyone is all "LOL! Our husbands are vaguely-gay partyboys!" This goes on for sixteen hours before the couples finally sit down to begin their meal. They all get sloppy and talk shit on LuAnn and her beef with Mario, and how they're upset that LuAnn isn't coming to Ramona's Big Labor Day Gangbang.
To remedy things, Mario slurrily calls up the Countess and leaves a voicemail being like "Awwww comeon babycakes, daddy loves you. Come to our party. Lets hug it out." LuAnn, Mario's balls are in your court.
The next day, it's back to Casa de la Divorciada Roto, where Jill and LuAnn replay Mario's voicemail and try to decipher it's meaning, as if it's some sort of Navajo wartime code. It's in English, ladies! Plain as day! Stop acting like 12 year old girls writing in a burn book!
However, ultimately, the ladies decide to throw Ramona a bone, and invite her to their own Labor Day Gangbang. Jill puts Ramona on speakerphone during the call, and I forget exactly what happened to cause things to escalate, but it ended with Ramona screeching about LuAnn being a "slut" and a "whore" along with a string of other unprovoked expletives. So yeah, that didn't end so well.
So now we have a problem: Two Labor Day Gangbangs, One Day. Who will go where? Obviously Jill will be going to LuAnn's, since she is hoping that if she's really good and spends all summer at LuAnn's house and attends all her events, she'll give her a sock, and Jill will finally be free! FREE! And then Kelly, obviously, will be coming, because she'll hang out with whoever will have her.
Ah yes, Kelly, she of the wonky boob job. She disclosed to the ladies this episode that she'll be slithering her famed laquered canteloupe halves out in the hallowed pages of Playboy. Which, really? That's the best Housewife you could get, Hef? No Kim? No NeNe?
Anyway, Jill fakes being happy for her, but basically calls her Slutty McBadmom in her interview. LuAnn thinks it's fabulous, and purrs "Have I shown you my Playgirl?" Yes, LuAnn was hilariously on the cover of Playgirl clutching some Burt Reynolds cowboy, probs some time in the 80's. I love when we get to learn more about her "modeling" career.
So that's Team Countess. At Ramona's party, Bethenny is obvs attending, and then Alex and Simon also show up, along with some other random woman who gets supper aggro with Bethenny about how she's being mean to Jill. She's all "Jill is real upset, see! And you're a big meanface! Stop being mean to Jill! You're a meanie!" and Bethenny is all "Who the fuck are you? Get outta my face."
Since Alex is the only one who is still trying to be everybody's friend, Jill and LuAnn try to get her to come to their party after Ramona's. Alex had initially agreed, but faced with the fear of a Ramona scorned, she backs out. Jill and LuAnn are all "No, no, it's fine," even though it totally isn't fine. Like, not at all. Poor Alex. Who knew she'd be the most normal, likeable one this season?
So yeah, I think that's it for that episode? Oh wait, no! There was also a scene where Jill's daughter Ally drove a car! And Jill was like a baby in the back seat being like "Bridge! Bike! Fisherman!" Yeah, I guess it was funnier when you saw it...
This next episode has a catwalk showdown between Bethenny and Jill. And I mean like, they fight at a fashion show, not that they have some sort of walk-off modelfight. Wouldn't that be great?
Until next week time!