Monday, August 31, 2009

True Blood Recap: Sookie takes charge and discovers a giant demon egg.

The penultimate episode of season two opens on Vampire Queen Sophie-Anne feeding on the thighs of Sookie’s cousin Hadley. Those Stackhouses certainly love reckless behavior. Bill makes an “ahem” noise, and tells the queen that he needs help with his Maenad problem. She says she can help him out, but first he’s gotta chill for a while.

Back in Bon Temps, Hoyt is mighty mad at Jessica for biting his momma. Jessica says that she did it because of the nasty things she was saying about Hoyt, but Hoyt tells her that she’s his momma, so she’s allowed to. She realizes that maybe she effed up and starts to apologize, but Hoyt gathers up his batshit zombie-eyed mom and goes home in a huff.

Over at Lafayette’s, he, Sookie, and Lettie Mae are trying to keep a lid on Tara’s crazy. Even though they got rid of her zombie googly eyes, Tara is still dickmatized by Eggs, and is demanding that everyone let her go so she can save him. She also says a bunch of really mean things to all of them. Not entirely the best strategy to get released, in my opinion.

All three tell Tara she crazy, and they’re not going to let her go back to the Maenad orgy den. Lafayette pulls out a pair of fur handcuffs from his pocket and locks Tara to the coffee table to further prove this point. After hearing bacchanalia cries off in the distance, Lafayette grabs a rifle and heads to the porch to keep watch.

Over at Merlotte’s, after Sam finishes schooling Jason and Andy on Shapeshifter 101 they argue about how to solve a problem like Maryann. Jason and Andy want to go raid the police station and enact some country justice on her, but Sam tells them their plan is futile, since Maryann can’t be killed. Sam fails to convince them, and the two head for the sheriff’s station.

Back on his porch, Lafayette and Sookie have a heart to heart about their shared nasty blood-drinking induced sex dreams about Eric. Both find them very disturbing, since they are decidedly anti-Eric. His Viking vampire sex blood is just too powerful.

Lettie Mae bursts outside, sobbing and praying as always. She begs Lafayette and Sookie to take over Tara watch for her, since she’s getting really nasty and Lettie Mae simply can’t take it any more. After assuring Lafayette that she knows her way around a rifle from all the times she used to shoot cats for doing their business in her front yard (not joking), he hands her the gun. Which she immediately turns on them! Deception! See, Tara convinced Lettie Mae to help her escape, telling her she’ll forgive her for everything if she just lets her go. Since she’s so desperate for Tara’s love, Lettie Mae agrees, allowing Tara to steal Sookie’s car and hightail it to Maenad Manor.

Over at the sheriff’s station, Jason distracts the sexed up receptionist while Andy raids the gun cabinet. However, he’s interrupted mid-raid by a pantsless Sheriff Dearborn, wildly firing his gun in the air and square dancing all over the room. After indulging him in a dance for a hot minute, Andy wrestles the gun out of the sheriff’s hands, prompting the little man run off giggling into the dark.

At his house, Lafayette is having a PTSD freakout from having a gun pointed at him and hallucinates seeing Eric in the place of Lettie Mae, paisley dress and all. Needless to say, it’s REEEALLLLYYY weird. Sookie tells him to sack up and then launches a carved wood ashtray at Lettie Mae’s head. The two grab her gun and go after Tara in Lafayette’s fabuloisitymobile.

Meanwhile, Tara arrives at the Stackhouse home-cum-freak show to rescue Eggs. Her attempted prison break is interrupted when Maryann suddenly appears. Tara is all “you’re evil! We’re leaving!” and then Maryann is all “but you’re the one who summoned me” and then Tara’s all “whaaaa?” Apparently, that vision of herself as a little girl Tara saw during her “exorcism” was Maryann. Even though Miss Jeanette was a fake, the chanting and magic she was using was real. Or at least real enough to summon a hedonistic Greek sex freak like Maryann. If only she had known, Miss Jeanette could have partnered with Hustler and made a KILLING. Such a missed opportunity!

Maryann starts vibrating all over the place, but Tara says that shit doesn’t work on her anymore. However, apparently punches in the face do, as Maryann makes Tara revert to her former obsidian-eyed self by doing just that. She and Eggs giggle and run upstairs to bone.

The freakish townspeople burst into the house, excited to tell Maryann the good news about the god coming and smiting Sam. Maryann is pissed at how dumb everyone is, and makes a high pitched squeaking sound out of a mystery orifice to punish everyone. After they all flee in terror, she goes off in a huff to solve the problem herself.

On to the Fortenberry household, where Maxine is making what appears to be a potato chip cheese hot sauce snickers bar casserole for the God Who Comes. Apparently Dionysus is a huge stoner. Seriously, is it wrong that it looked kinda good? Hoyt tries to talk her down, but she counters his kindness with her usual assholity. She tells Hoyt he’s always prevented her from doing the things she wanted to do. She also lets him know that she thought his daddy was probably gay, and that she lied when she told him he died protecting the family from a robber. Apparently Hoyt’s dad actually shot himself. She goes on making her Cheech and Chong special while Hoyt cries naked in the shower while cutting himself (not really).

During an apparent lull in being hounded by zombie sex perverts, Sam heads over to Fangtasia to ask Eric for help. After being a total condescending dick, Eric agrees to help since he figures it’ll win him brownie points with Sookie. Eric bids everyone adieu and then shoots into the sky like a rocket. Apparently vampires can travel by ass cannon.

Back at Sophie-Anne’s casa de crazy, Bill is forced to drink the blood of a Latvian twink who offers to make the sex with him if he’d like. Bill politely refuses. Bill, Sophie-Anne, Mr. Gay Latvia 2009, and Sookie’s cousin Hadley move on to a game of Yahtzee. Bill reminds the Queen that he really must be leaving, after which she FINALLY gives him the information he came for.

She says that what Maryann really wants is for the God Who Comes to actually come and eat her alive, and not in the sexy-times way. The immortal Maenad actually wants to die. Ironic, huh? So, the only way for her to die is to get the god to actually come so she’ll let herself be killed. This seems easier said than done to me. The next episode has some serious ‘splainin to do.

Sophie-Anne gets word Eric has arrived, so Bill makes his exit. On the way out, the vampire frenemies flex at eachother and argue about who is more awesome. Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie or he’ll snitch to the Queen about his V side business. Well played, Mr. Compton.

Sookie and Lafayette arrive at the Stackhouse home and get ambushed by Terry and Arlene, who demand a hundred jillion gazillion dollars as a toll. Unable to pay, Lafayette offers them some ecstasy instead. Arlene is hesitant at first, since drugs are bad and just say no and stuff, but changes her mind when Terry tells her it makes sexytimes better. Lafayette distracts them by throwing out the E like chickenfeed while Sookie runs into the house.

While that’s going on, Andy and Jason arrive at the scene in Jason’s truck. Jason wonders whether Sam ever made it with a lady dog while he was in canine form. He then asks why Andy hates him. Andy tells him it’s because he thinks Jason has everything. After Jason reminds him that his parents are dead and his grandmother was murdered by his best friend, Andy realizes that both their lives are pretty shitty and the two make up.

On the other side of the house, Lafayette runs into Maryann and Karl while standing guard. He shoots her, but homegirl deflects the bullet off of her Kevlar Minotaur hands into Karl’s head, killing him. Maryann’s a little bummed, but then remembers Lafayette can also cook. Uh oh.

Inside the house, the Bon Tempians are cutting off their fingers and playing with intestines. Sookie gets near-raped by Mike Spencer in the exact same spot where her Gran died (creepy), but she gets out of it by bopping him on the head with a frying pan.

She heads upstairs to her room to find Tara and Eggs smashing all her cute crystal tchotchkes. She starts yelling at them, but then notices that there is a gross nest with a gigantic demon egg in the middle of her bed. Guys, she has sex there! So rude. She turns around to run, but is stopped by newly bezombied Lafayette. Sookie screams aaaaaaaaand- CREDITS! Waa waaaaaaa.

Seriously though, these weekly cliffhangers are getting mighty tiresome. See you again in TWO GODDAMNED WEEKS when all this is hopefully resolved in the season finale.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Rachel Zoe Recap: Annie shuts that shit down.

Rachel Zoe returns and we go BA-NANAS.

The second season opener begins in media res as Rachel stresses over an offending puddle of camouflage tulle on the floor. Through editing we’re filled in on the events that have transpired since we last saw the Zoe Camp. Since last year, the mantid fashionista moved her business into a suspiciously recession-sized smaller “loft,” and she and her foppish dandy of a husband into a similarly in-this-economy-sized apartment. So long fabulous WeHo hills house! Associates Brad and Taylor are also no longer fighting like cats in an LV tote, and are now the best of friends. For now.

After our quick refresher, the episode commences in earnest. It’s Golden Globes season, which means the Zoe Camp is going ba-nanas. Taylor angrily over enunciates to the camera about how many hats she wears and how she’s the one who makes sure things get done, while Brad puts on a sparkly fairy dress and imitates Rachel. Both are highly important tasks.

Rachel calls for a team meeting in the fetid Zoe shanty. She lets Brad and Taylor know that in order to free up space during awards season they’ll have to move their desks to the loft area with leper assistant Marisa. Both let out long-winded whines that essentially boil down to “But I don’t wannaaaaa!” After much bellyaching, Rachel informs them that she has become a “bizznatch” this week, and they will in fact be moving upstairs with Typhoid Marisa. No offense.

Back to the Globes! This year Rachel will be styling Debra Messing, Demi Moore, Anne Hathaway, Eva Mendez, and Cameron Diaz. Or, as Rachel refers to them, Deb, Demi, Annie, Eva, and Cam.

Now that the clients are set, it’s time for a dress selection montage. All the samples they’ve been given are “snoozaroo,” Eva’s Dior dress was sent to Chanel (!), and Debra’s is M.I.A!

We learn that things this year are bad. Apparently in this economy designers will not overnight FedEx couture ball gowns halfway across the world without a guarantee they’ll be worn. And you thought the auto industry had it bad. But the Zoe Camp will press on! Award shows are about pleasing the masses and they must do their civic duty!

Rachel tells us about a pink Chanel couture gown she saw in Paris which she absolutely died for. Everyone agrees it’ll be perfect for Cameron, and Rach thinks she can get it. However, she’s worried that the American public can’t comprehend that there is a sleeve on the dress, which means she’ll have to ask Karl Lagerfeld for alterations. Scary!

Meanwhile, Brad and Taylor are still upset about being put in the loft, so they decide to play a hilarious prank on Rachel wherein they move their desks back downstairs. Rachel returns and is predictably annoyed. Taylor whines that it’s too hot up in the loft and that they don’t want to be up there with stinky disease ridden slob Marisa. Marisa is nonplussed by this statement.

We’re then reminded for the hundredth time that it’s Golden Globes week and Rachel needs gowns, in case we all forgot. Thankfully a new shipment has arrived. Rachel says that if she doesn’t see the white of Eva’s dress pop out of one of the garment bags, she will literally jump out the window. The dress is pink. Rachel goes barreling towards the window and leaps through the glass, a whirling dervish of extensions and baubles. Thankfully, she survives the fall and resumes command of Team Zoe.

Brad remarks that gowns and accessories are to Rachel the way medicine and surgical tools are to a doctor. So in a way, Rachel is just like a surgeon, if not more important, because scalpels are ugly and beading is pretty.

On to Anne Hathaway: Rachel settles on a blue Armani Prive creation. She summons clothes hanger/intern Jordan to try the dress on, since Taylor’s breasts are too huge to squeeze into the Lilliputian gown. Taylor sneers. Brad says that trying on fancy ball gowns is the dream of every girl, as well as some boys (read: him). Rachel decides that this dress is in the one, since there’s never been a “big navy moment” on the red carpet, so Anne will shut it down. Except Debra will also be wearing navy. So never mind.

Back at her pity party of one, Taylor complains that her career with Rachel is at a standstill. You see, when she started she was promised growth potential, and now three years later she is still doing the same job. I smell a plot arc!

Back at the studio, word has come from Paris! Karl Lagerfeld has descended from his black and white death palace to proclaim that he will remove the sleeves. Now the American public will be able to wrap their puny minds around his couture creation. Everyone lauds Rachel for her balls and moxie. But! Chanel says that they don’t know when they will be able to deliver the dress. Rachel worries that it won’t arrive in time for the awards and her prestigious name will be dragged through the mud. Brad counters by doing a non-sequitor impression of Taylor. Touché.

Later, Taylor rides in holding the missing Dior gown for Eva, and everyone proclaims that she is a rock star. Then everyone calls her fat.

OMG one day left to the Globes! Time to start putting together the full looks. Brad and Rachel go skipping to Rodeo Drive for jewelry while Taylor shuffles off to buy shoes.

Rachel tells us that Debra’s outfit cries out for gigantic emeralds, Eva’s dress screams “I NEED TURQUOISE,” Annie will shine in diamonds, and Cameron aches for opals. Rachel is the gemstone whisperer.

At the loft, Cameron’s dress has arrived from Chanel! Everyone is exuberant, but will it fit? Yes, it will! The sleeve is gone, and America’s collective heads will no longer explode upon tuning in to the red carpet.

Now it’s time for the fittings, which unfortunately we don’t get to see as no A-list star in their right mind would allow a Bravo film crew in their homes, jerks. All go swimmingly, but as they head home Team Zoe gets a call that there is a black spot on Eva’s white dress! After everyone finishes shrieking and crying, Taylor is sent over to fix the dot, which turns out to be the size of a pencil tip rather than a black hole. Crisis averted! With the fire at Eva’s put out, Taylor grumpily pouts that she will go home, to hell with the team’s traditional red carpet viewing party.

Brad and Rachel soldier on to coo and squawk while they watch their creations strut down the carpet. “Demi is beyond!” “Deb is like a tall drink of water!” “Eva is a Rachel Zoe special!” “Annie is shutting it down!” Rachel remarks that for Cameron, she feels like she conceived, gestated, and birthed this look. Gross.

Everyone’s Blackberries are abuzz with kudos, but they are bittersweet since Taylor wasn’t there to enjoy their success with them. Rachel’s spirits are cheered slightly when a hand written note from Karl Lagerfeld himself arrives congratulating her. She commands Quasimarisa to frame the note and put it on her wall. She has graduated from the school of Chanel!

And so episode one ends on a high note. The previews promise lots more laughter, tears, fighting, Taylor scowls, and ball gowns. Lets hope they deliver.