Rachel Zoe Recap: Annie shuts that shit down.

Rachel Zoe returns and we go BA-NANAS.

The second season opener begins in media res as Rachel stresses over an offending puddle of camouflage tulle on the floor. Through editing we’re filled in on the events that have transpired since we last saw the Zoe Camp. Since last year, the mantid fashionista moved her business into a suspiciously recession-sized smaller “loft,” and she and her foppish dandy of a husband into a similarly in-this-economy-sized apartment. So long fabulous WeHo hills house! Associates Brad and Taylor are also no longer fighting like cats in an LV tote, and are now the best of friends. For now.

After our quick refresher, the episode commences in earnest. It’s Golden Globes season, which means the Zoe Camp is going ba-nanas. Taylor angrily over enunciates to the camera about how many hats she wears and how she’s the one who makes sure things get done, while Brad puts on a sparkly fairy dress and imitates Rachel. Both are highly important tasks.

Rachel calls for a team meeting in the fetid Zoe shanty. She lets Brad and Taylor know that in order to free up space during awards season they’ll have to move their desks to the loft area with leper assistant Marisa. Both let out long-winded whines that essentially boil down to “But I don’t wannaaaaa!” After much bellyaching, Rachel informs them that she has become a “bizznatch” this week, and they will in fact be moving upstairs with Typhoid Marisa. No offense.

Back to the Globes! This year Rachel will be styling Debra Messing, Demi Moore, Anne Hathaway, Eva Mendez, and Cameron Diaz. Or, as Rachel refers to them, Deb, Demi, Annie, Eva, and Cam.

Now that the clients are set, it’s time for a dress selection montage. All the samples they’ve been given are “snoozaroo,” Eva’s Dior dress was sent to Chanel (!), and Debra’s is M.I.A!

We learn that things this year are bad. Apparently in this economy designers will not overnight FedEx couture ball gowns halfway across the world without a guarantee they’ll be worn. And you thought the auto industry had it bad. But the Zoe Camp will press on! Award shows are about pleasing the masses and they must do their civic duty!

Rachel tells us about a pink Chanel couture gown she saw in Paris which she absolutely died for. Everyone agrees it’ll be perfect for Cameron, and Rach thinks she can get it. However, she’s worried that the American public can’t comprehend that there is a sleeve on the dress, which means she’ll have to ask Karl Lagerfeld for alterations. Scary!

Meanwhile, Brad and Taylor are still upset about being put in the loft, so they decide to play a hilarious prank on Rachel wherein they move their desks back downstairs. Rachel returns and is predictably annoyed. Taylor whines that it’s too hot up in the loft and that they don’t want to be up there with stinky disease ridden slob Marisa. Marisa is nonplussed by this statement.

We’re then reminded for the hundredth time that it’s Golden Globes week and Rachel needs gowns, in case we all forgot. Thankfully a new shipment has arrived. Rachel says that if she doesn’t see the white of Eva’s dress pop out of one of the garment bags, she will literally jump out the window. The dress is pink. Rachel goes barreling towards the window and leaps through the glass, a whirling dervish of extensions and baubles. Thankfully, she survives the fall and resumes command of Team Zoe.

Brad remarks that gowns and accessories are to Rachel the way medicine and surgical tools are to a doctor. So in a way, Rachel is just like a surgeon, if not more important, because scalpels are ugly and beading is pretty.

On to Anne Hathaway: Rachel settles on a blue Armani Prive creation. She summons clothes hanger/intern Jordan to try the dress on, since Taylor’s breasts are too huge to squeeze into the Lilliputian gown. Taylor sneers. Brad says that trying on fancy ball gowns is the dream of every girl, as well as some boys (read: him). Rachel decides that this dress is in the one, since there’s never been a “big navy moment” on the red carpet, so Anne will shut it down. Except Debra will also be wearing navy. So never mind.

Back at her pity party of one, Taylor complains that her career with Rachel is at a standstill. You see, when she started she was promised growth potential, and now three years later she is still doing the same job. I smell a plot arc!

Back at the studio, word has come from Paris! Karl Lagerfeld has descended from his black and white death palace to proclaim that he will remove the sleeves. Now the American public will be able to wrap their puny minds around his couture creation. Everyone lauds Rachel for her balls and moxie. But! Chanel says that they don’t know when they will be able to deliver the dress. Rachel worries that it won’t arrive in time for the awards and her prestigious name will be dragged through the mud. Brad counters by doing a non-sequitor impression of Taylor. Touché.

Later, Taylor rides in holding the missing Dior gown for Eva, and everyone proclaims that she is a rock star. Then everyone calls her fat.

OMG one day left to the Globes! Time to start putting together the full looks. Brad and Rachel go skipping to Rodeo Drive for jewelry while Taylor shuffles off to buy shoes.

Rachel tells us that Debra’s outfit cries out for gigantic emeralds, Eva’s dress screams “I NEED TURQUOISE,” Annie will shine in diamonds, and Cameron aches for opals. Rachel is the gemstone whisperer.

At the loft, Cameron’s dress has arrived from Chanel! Everyone is exuberant, but will it fit? Yes, it will! The sleeve is gone, and America’s collective heads will no longer explode upon tuning in to the red carpet.

Now it’s time for the fittings, which unfortunately we don’t get to see as no A-list star in their right mind would allow a Bravo film crew in their homes, jerks. All go swimmingly, but as they head home Team Zoe gets a call that there is a black spot on Eva’s white dress! After everyone finishes shrieking and crying, Taylor is sent over to fix the dot, which turns out to be the size of a pencil tip rather than a black hole. Crisis averted! With the fire at Eva’s put out, Taylor grumpily pouts that she will go home, to hell with the team’s traditional red carpet viewing party.

Brad and Rachel soldier on to coo and squawk while they watch their creations strut down the carpet. “Demi is beyond!” “Deb is like a tall drink of water!” “Eva is a Rachel Zoe special!” “Annie is shutting it down!” Rachel remarks that for Cameron, she feels like she conceived, gestated, and birthed this look. Gross.

Everyone’s Blackberries are abuzz with kudos, but they are bittersweet since Taylor wasn’t there to enjoy their success with them. Rachel’s spirits are cheered slightly when a hand written note from Karl Lagerfeld himself arrives congratulating her. She commands Quasimarisa to frame the note and put it on her wall. She has graduated from the school of Chanel!

And so episode one ends on a high note. The previews promise lots more laughter, tears, fighting, Taylor scowls, and ball gowns. Lets hope they deliver.