Friday, April 2, 2010

Real Housewives of NYC Recap: "I will not be IGNORED, Bethenny!"

Seriously, these ladies are out of control! This week we saw even more fights than the last, and they were way more explosive. Someone needs to rein them all in before shots are fired!

We started the episode at Chez Skinnybooze, where Bethenny and her assistant/BFF discuss a recent article in the New York Post that says Bethenny has no friends, and she wasn't invited to LuAnn's Ungaro party, Jill's Saks Fifth Avenue Party, the Perez Hilton Party, or Little Billy Miller's batting cages 6th birthday party. These women are children.

Anyway, Bethenny suspects Jill planted the story, since it mentioned several events that only Jill and a few other people would know about. Nice detective work! This theory was further proven by the article's companion blind item, "Which Red-Headed NYC Housewife/Jewish Beauty is the Greatest Woman on the Face of the Planet?"

While Bethenny fumes, stomps her feet, and beats her chest, Kelly is busy fawning and drooling over a reporter from Playboy sent to interview her. Kelly gets all goo-goo eyed and giggles like a semi-retarded little girl, but interviews that she acted all cool and sexy and shit. I would love to see the world through her eyes, just for a day. What a wonderful place it must be! Everyone loving you, being obsessed with you, thinking you're great, thinking you're totally fun and whimsical for jogging in the middle of the street. What a life! However, she must not have been acting too dumb, since the guy asks for her digits at the end.

Next, it's off to the faraway Hamptons where LuAnn and daughter Victoria share an intimate moment. Victoria is drawing a shoe, and LuAnn goes "What is that? A shoe? Ya drawin shoes?" Victoria says she is, and LuAnn replies "Well maybe I should setcha up with one of those internships. Maybe at Catherine Malandrino or something. I know her." To this Victoria unenthusiastically replies "Yeah...I guess." Yeah, I know, how boring, right? Being handed an internship at a big name designer even though the most fashion stuff you've done is draw shoes on paper. How goddamned boring. It's not like people scratch and claw people's eyes out for an opportunity like that or anything.

So yeah, they chat a bit more about how they miss the city and are bored, and then it's off to Cipriani (Bravo must have a sponsorship from them or something for how often they show that place), where Alex arranges a meeting of the minds to plan for the oh-so-prestigious Brooklyn Fashion Week(end). You see, in addition to the regular New York Fashion Week, apparently Brooklyn has a weekend where they trot out people who make clothes out of plastic bags or coke bottles or something. And, being as Alex and Simon are the co-reigning Queens of Brooklyn, they are naturally on the planning committee.

Also present to plan this mess are Dobby the Day Gay, Ramona, Kelly, and Bethenny. Before they get to business, Bethenny brings up the NYP article, and says that she thinks it was Jill who planted it. This causes Kelly to launch into a non-sequitor tirade about how mean Bethenny was to her last season, even though they had just called a truce. Bethenny and Kelly fly into a big heated fight, yelling at each other until Alex flips her wig and screams "STOP RUINING THIS! THIS IS ABOUT ME! AND BROOKLYN! ALEX! BROOKLYN! QUEEN! STOP!"

So the storm abates for a minute, and the ragtag band of Brooklyn designers begin to file in. The designers show off their wares, being all "This is a corset made out of Otter Pop wrappers!" or "This is a skirt I made entirely out of banana peels and apple cores!" Which is to say, the designs were terrible, and the ladies shit all over them.

However, eventually they find a designer who is actually decent, and the ladies all agree to pick him. Alex and Ramona bound off to try on dresses, leaving Kelly and Bethenny to hash things out, which they ultimately do, calling yet another dubious "truce." Then, Ramona returns to the table and tries to pull a Catherine Trammell, unzipping the bottom of her dress so her cooter almost comes out.

Once her work is done there, Ramona moves on to lunch with her weirdo friend Zorba or whatever her name was. There, Ramona opens up about how her father was a violent jerk who hit her mom and would break shit and stuff, and breaks down into tears. Sad. That does explain why Ramona is so crazy all the time. But, yeah, humanizing. A window in to the soul of Ramona.

Next, it's off to Kelly's house, where she is gossiping to her assistant/BFF (she and Bethenny really do have a lot in common) about her Playboy interview. She says that she wound up deciding not to go on a date with him, since she doesn't want to mix business with pleasure. Next, she gets an e-mail from Jill that's like "Hey doodoo head. I hear you are being nice to that fartbreath Bethenny. Pick! Me or her! You're a jerkface!" Kelly interviews that Jill is being irrational and immature. When Kelly fucking Bensimon thinks you're being childish, you have a problem.

Speaking of Jill, next we head off to her house! LuAnn comes over, this time bearing a gift for Jill: a pimp cup. Seriously, she gave her a gigantic goblet with "Go Big or Go Home" written on it, apparently because that's Jill's motto? LuAnn finds the whole thing hilarious, and is laughing so hard she's in tears. She says she saw it in a store window and just thought it was too funny. Can you picture that? LuAnn walking down the street and then seeing the pimp cup in the window of some convenience store and just fucking losing it, and being like "That is PERFECT for Jill." Oh man, what I would have given to see that.

However, the laughter soon comes to an abrupt end when Bethenny calls Jill to talk things over. Jill shadily puts Bethenny on speakerphone without telling her that LuAnn is in the room. Bethenny says she wants to talk about what happened, but Jill isn't having it and completely goes off the wire, saying that Bethenny doesn't care about her and is ingrateful and ignored Bobby when he had cancer. Bethenny says she had no idea that Bobby was that sick, and that she sent flowers and e-mailed. Plus, she has a hard time believing that if Bobby was that sick Jill would be going to all the parties and places she went this summer. This causes Jill to go completely apeshit and she yells "YOU KNOW WHAT BETHENNY?! WE ARE DONE!" and hangs up. Bethenny, clearly upset by this, starts crying.

And that was the show! Whew! What a tense end! Is it just me or was Jill completely out of control this week. Like, Fatal Attraction bunny boiler territory. She seems pathological in her desire to weasel her way into every aspect of her friends lives to an unhealthy level. In that respect, she's actually more like Single White Female than Fatal Attraction. Fatal White Female, let's call it.

So yeah, like I said, what a doozie! This season is really serving it up. Next week looks like mainly a post-mortem episode about the fight, but hopefull there'll be more salacious shit too. Until next week!

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