Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Danielle is Terrifying

Helloooooo! Yes, it's me, Odysseus, Back from the seas! As you've probably noticed (all 2 of you), I kinda stopped recapping RHONY. It was fun at first, but this season is kinda lackluster, and other sites recap it better way than I ever could. So, I decided to take a breaksy-waksey.

BUT! With the return of these Jersey broads, I too return. Cuz seriously, how could I not? These ladies are amazing, and have quickly become my favorite series of the franchise. I think it's because they are all so real-seeming while simultaneously being the most insane too. A good combination that the other Real Housewives lack. So anyway, let's get started!

This season's marble and onyx curtain opens on Jacqueline. Formerly sad, barren Jackywacks is now beaming and fecund, having birthed her new baby boy into the world. While we weren't privy to the actual birth like that episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians where Kourtney unenthusiastically pulls her own baby out of her body, we do get to see the afterglow. Caroline and family come to visit and coo over the baby, and the whole thing is admittedly very heartwarming. Caroline remarks that the baby has helped to heal wounds from last season's explosion. "Babies: Putting a band-aid over a much larger and more serious emotional wound since the dawn of time (TM)."

Speaking of Caroline, next it's off to the Big Apple to buy a suit for her newly small apple-sized husband. Apparently a doctor had told him that if he didn't cut back on the calzones his heart and entire torso were going to explode like that scene from Monty Python and the Meaning of Life. So, he let his new life begin, called 1-800-GET-SLIM, and got the LAP-BAND. Now he is svelte and ready to...melt? Yeah, nothing sexy rhymes with "svelte." Anyway, he looks good, and Caroline was happy. As Andy Cohen would say, mazel!

Next, it's on to Danielle. Terrifying, heart palpitation-inducing Danielle. Seriously, each time she appeared on the screen I got a bout of nervous diarrhea (although not for three weeks like she said she had last season). The evil she-mantis and her two mindblowingly normal and level-headed children go clothes shopping at some bizarre boutique called "Posche," which I thought was "Porsche" for a good half of the episode. The store, decorated like a Spirit Halloween Superstore, is staffed by another puffy lipped Jerseymantis by the name of Kim. She and Danielle excitedly say hello by rubbing their spiked forelegs together in the traditional mantis greeting and exchange pleasantries. Looks like these two have become close over the past year. So close, in fact, that when Kim's mantismother was sick, Danielle was the first to come by and bring her a heaping bowl of aphids.

Once Danielle purchases some clothes and lays a fresh ootheca in the dressing room, it's off to the salon to have her face shellacked and re-sanded! Not much happens here, other than Danielle oversharing to her other BFF/beautician about Dina and how much she hates her. Danielle casts all kinds of shade, saying that Dina used to be a beautician, "stocking shelves and doing nails." How shameful! Nothing like the ever so refined and classy way Danielle spent her youth, stripping and getting arrested. Not at all.

About that Dina! Not much happened with her this episode. She seems like she might be laying low and staying out of the fray more this season. We see her at home alone, talking to and about her cats, which I guess in retrospect was a little strange. But, girl looks GREAT. She is still my favorite, so pretty and quick with the one liners and f-bombs. She seems like she'd be fun to go to a bar with or something. In fact, she is officially invited to my fantasy dinner party with Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Pandora Boxx. Maybe I'll make red sauce...

WHICH IS WHAT TERESA WAS DOING! (Yes! Suck on that segue y'all!) The whole Giudice clan: a very pregnant Teresa, Joe, their grownup-faced children, Teresa's very very Italian parents, Joe's very Italian mother, and the Giudice babysitter all got together to make a gigantic batch of a-redda-saucea for-a da pasta. For some reason, I love how Italian Teresa is. Like, not in a make a dress out of the Italian flag and wear 6 Bumpits sort of way, but a speak Italian and make red sauce way. I dunno, the whole thing was cute. Except for the part where Teresa and her father asked the babysitter if she was having her period. That was weird and gross. Apparently according to Italian tradition, being on your period while making red sauce will spoil the tomatoes. On her blog Teresa says you can learn more about why in her cookbook, but honestly I'm good. I don't need more details. Really.

Something I would like more details about, though, is the $1000 a plate benefit Caroline threw for the sheriff at her home. Not the sheriff's office or a cause they support, but the sheriff himself. Strange, no? But anyway, Manzos one and all threw a big benefit, and everyone was invited. Everyone except for fearsome post-copulation lover-ingesting Danielle. Ms. Staub was sure to mention several times that she could "care less" whether she was invited, and didn't care at all, and didn't even want to go, and then proceeded to drive to Caroline's house, children in tow, to circle the place and throw molotov cocktails through her windows. She's all "I don't care, I really don't care at all. Not one iota. Honey, could you pass momma the pigs head from the backseat? Thanks." Ultimately, Danielle's children managed to convince her to call off her stalking mission after they basically told her she looked so crazy right now and it wasn't going to end in her favor. Again, how did these two wind up being so normal? It boggles the mind.

Meanwhile, at the party, everyone was blissfully unaware of how close they all came to being engulfed in a blazing inferno of hellfire and were making merry and getting super drunk. Naturally, the topic quickly moved to Danielle, and Kim from Posche (why was she there? Is she going to join the cast? I hope not.) and her husband join in on the fun. Both of them are like blackout-level drunk at that point and say all kinds of mean stuff about Danielle. Kim's all "Aannndyeah, shess a ssssmellybitch. And thossss aphhhhhids she gave my mom were dissssssssgustin." So much for that friendship! She better watch out. She of all people should know that mantids have no qualms eating their own kind. None at all.

So yeah, that was that for the premiere! What did you think? I LOVED IT. I really forgot how enjoyable these ladies are. Right now, I think my ranking for Real Housewives series is like this, from best to worst: NJ, OC, NY, ATL.

Really though, I can't wait for this season to unfold. The previews promise plenty of catfights, cursing, and apparently a fight between Danielle and Jacqueline. I CAN'T WAIT!

P.S. PLEASE read Danielle's blog on the Bravo site. It is INSANE. Bitch is out for blood.

1 comment:

Clair Luz said...

Your description of Danielle and Kim's scene at Posche was priceless. Like some kind of crazy Kafkaesque boutique binge.

I love the New Jersey Housewives (I know the New Jersey Housewives) but your recaps are the cherry on the tortoni!