Thursday, July 29, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: "Siiing! SIIIIING!"

Hurray! Finally an episode that didn't revolve around Weavegate 2010. Kind of refreshing and not headsplosion-inducing, don't you think?

We start out with the Giudice family playing a game of Monopoly, which is kind of hilarious seeing as they kinda live their lives like one giant game of Monopoly, all reckless spending and soaring success that immediately dovetails into crippling bankruptcy.

During the “Monopoly game” (read: daughters screeching and climbing on things, the littlest ingesting several hotels like a tiny Italian Godzilla), Teresa brings up she and Joe’s impending 10 year anniversary. Not by saying something like “Wow, how great, I love you” or anything like that, but with “Hey girls! What should daddy buy me!” I love how the reason for their current financial situation becomes more and more clear which each episode this season.

Next, we pop over to Danielle, who is engaging in some reckless spending of her own! See, Christine, her daughter/supermodel/basket into which she puts all of her eggs hopes and dreams, is turning 16. This is a very momentous occasion, her living 16 years, and requires an extravagant party to celebrate. Christine seems pretty whatever about it, but Danielle is dead set, so this shit is going to happen! Don’t worry though, the party is “for charity.” It’s unclear exactly what this means though. Are they selling tickets? Are they going to donate money? Probably what they are going to do is the tried and true celebrity staple of “raising awareness,” wherein people have a “charity event” where all they do is talk about something serious, at some point. (I still remember an episode of LA Ink where Cat Von D had a concert to “raise awareness” for cancer.) Sigh.

Moving on! After a brief stop at Caroline’s for the requisite weekly “what are you going to do with Ashley” chat, Jacqueline and husband head over to the Giudice’s for some…quality time, maybe? I couldn’t really tell what it was, since they didn’t eat a meal or play a game or anything. They mainly just drank wine and then segregated themselves via sex. Jacqueline and Teresa chatted like monkeys about how Joe better buy her an expensive diamond for their anniversary, and the menfolk talked about how Joe has no money and Teresa is expecting something huge. Shit like this makes me glad I’m gay.

Next it’s off to the Manzo household, where Albie has some exciting news! Apparently he has decided to join the police academy while waiting to get back into law school…? He justifies this by saying that police academy is “basically like law school” and it’d be really helpful for him to know how to “think like a cop” when he is a lawyer. Yes. Being a cop is just like being a lawyer. Yes. More likely, it seems like he’s doing this for backup in case he doesn’t get back into law school, but whatevs. They made him shave his head, which looks good.

But enough of the Manzos! It’s time for a private concert at the Staub hive! You see, Christine is not the only talented Staubspawn. No! Turns out the other daughter, Jillian, is a very talented singer-songwriter, who has been “songwriting” for about 3 years now (since she was 8?). So, since she is this huge talented singer, she has decided, TOTALLY on her own, with NO prodding from her mother, to perform a song at the big super sweet sixteen. Danielle proceeds to go into the other room to check on her progress, and after much prodding, gets her daughter to sing a few bars before daughter breaks down into a puddle of tears. Yay parenting!

While Danielle creepily coaxes her daughter into submission, we zoom over to the Giudice’s for Teresa and Joe’s big Giudiceaversary! A spectacular celebration, starting in an oh-so-romantic mid 00’s SUV ride to a heliport followed by a champagne drenched 1 hour helicopter ride over Manhattan (“Ay, wassat big park in da centuh of da city?”). After the pilot boots them out of the chopper, they head to the final part of the evening: a fancyish dinner at a sorta-nice hotel almost in New York Cityyyyyy! Tres romantique! The two eat big stupid steaks and drink wine out of big stupid glasses in their big stupid room while being attended by a big stupid butler. During the dessert course, the big stupid waiter brings a big stupid cake for Teresa that has a big stupid diamond ring in it. Teresa coos and squawks and hoots and hollers, and then the two have big stupid guidosex. Happy 10th babyyyyyy!

With that done, it’s FINALLY time for the big SUPERRRR SWEEET SIXTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN! Everyone is all gussied up and ready for a good time. While her daughters get ready, Danielle greets all the entering tweens like they are her peers and mugs in front of the step-and-repeat. Yeah, there was a step-and-repeat at a fucking child’s birthday party. Terrible.

Also in attendance was Danielle’s ex-husband and father of her children who showed up with new wife in tow. The guy looked way more normal than I thought he would. For some reason I was expecting some sort of greasy slicked hair Persian dude or something. Danielle and her ex were surprisingly cordial to each other, considering Danielle’s track record for crazy. She did decide to wear the engagement ring he gave her though, which is kind of nuts. But, not as nuts as she could have gone, so kudos to her.

After all the guests have arrived and the tweens have finished surreptitiously drinking Boone’s Farm out of Gatorade bottles, the events begin in earnest! First, Christine is carried out on the shoulders of a large black man, presumably supposed to be her bouncer or something? I don’t know, it didn’t make much sense. Maybe they couldn’t afford the four shirtless men dressed like Egyptians that most terrible girls have at their Super Sweet Sixteens on MTV.

After Christine makes her entrance, she tells everyone to STFU because it’s time for her sister to sing her song! Jillian gets on stage and sings a little Hilary Duff-ish diddy about loving her sister and it was cute. Everyone cheers, and Danielle gets on stage and is all “LOOK AT MY DAUGHTERS! MY DAUGHTERS! MY DAUGHTERS!” like a more jovial version of Angelina Jolie in Changeling. I believe at some point she also calls herself “the best mother in the world.” Which, just…yeah, no.

And that’s it for this week. Jacqueline also yelled at her daughter at some point re: weavegate, but it’s to the point where that literally happens every episode, so it’s not even worth mentioning anymore. Next week it looks like the shit really hits the fan between Kim G and Danielle and there’s a big blowup at a restaurant (where else) and Kim G tells Danielle she has no friends and “fake square tits.” Yowza! Can’t wait for that weird messy train wreck.


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