Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Danielle takes back the night.

Country Club Smackdown: The Aftermath. That is what this episode dealt with. That, and so much more. Let's begin, shall we?

This week's episode begins at the Giudice foreclosure palace, where Teresa is busy preening/torturing her daughters to make them all nice and pretty to go out with their daddy to... taekwondo practice. Yeah, I'm not an expert on martial arts, but this seems unnecessary. In fact, wouldn't all those barrettes in their hair be potentially dangerous if they got kicked upside the head?

Which is, in fact, what happens. Sure, it started out with some martial arts-y stuff, kicking and stretching and stuff, but by the end of the practice Gia was just tossing her sisters across the room and slamming their faces into the practice mat for fun. It looked more like that Girl Scout catfight from Airplane! than taekwondo to me, but maybe I just need to study Korea's national sport more closely.

Next, in a nice bit of editing, we move on to another child taking fighting lessons. Only this time, it's a child in the body of a fortysomething sociopathic ex-con. Yes, Danielle, Dark Lord of Staub-dor, is taking self defense classes to learn to fight back against Teresa and her taekwondo child soldiers. She even learns a specific defense tactic for when someone grabs your weave. Really! She did! Things start to get kind of weird when the trainer names his right and left hands "Teresa" and "Jacqueline," and Danielle starts wailing on them. Her daughters give eachother nervous looks, like "Oh jeez, here goes mom being nuts again." Oh the things those eyes have seen...

Across town, Teresa heads over to Posche to apologize to Kim D. for making a big scene at her fashion show. Kim D. says it's no big deal, since she wants as much screen time as she can get. As a peace offering, she hands Teresa a gigantic mimosa in a pimp goblet and the two rag on Danielle for a little bit and talk about how great a person Teresa is. She maintains that she was just being friendly, saying hello and calling Danielle a bitch, and Danielle totally is the one who went nuts on her. I mean, Teresa wasn't confrontational AT ALL. NOT AT ALL. NOT AT ALL YOU HEAR ME YOU FUCKIN' PROSTITUTION WHORE! ::gobletsmashcutkimsface::

Just as Teresa is starting to get comfortable, Kim G suspiciously shows up at Posche dressed in a bizarre Muppet-skin vest/ knit cap ensemble that was both age-inappropriate and just plain in-general inappropriate. She's all "I don't care who you are Teresa, you gotta control ya temper" and Teresa is like "Shut up you crazy bitch, I ain't got no effin tempuh!" before pulling a razorblade from her snake's nest hairdo and carving a gigantic "T" into Kim G's face. See, totally calm.

After a brief interlude where Ashley's boyfriend tells her she is stupid for being obsessed with a weathered sea hag like Danielle, it's back to Teresa, who goes with hubby Joe to check out a mysterious building on the other side of town. Turns out this building is a pizza parlor (?) and apartment complext that Joe owns? Random, and totally not suspicious at all. The pizza parlor is called "Papa Giuseppe's" or "Mama Celeste's" or something and has a hilarious Mario-esque Italian caricature as it's logo. After checking out the facilities, they head upstairs to look at the apartments. The whole time, Joe makes awkward half jokes about how they are going to have to move in there when they lose their house. Like "Heah's where youah gonna cook my dinnuh when we's gotta move out of ouah mansion. Heh heh heh. But seriously, ya betta learn how to cook on a hot plate. Heh heh heh. No really, we're gonna be homeless." Teresa gives a half-assed "Whaaa, naw, youah crazy, we ain't losin' ouah house" but you can tell she doesn't believe it. It's actually kinda sad.

On a different day, at a different cafe, Danielle meets Danny and his creepy silent friend for breakfast. They start out shootin' the shit about Danielle's beauty and elegance and skinny figure before falling back on the whole weave-pull incident. Danielle talks about how she just feels sorry for Ashley because she's only a child and she's not even mad or upset, she's just sorry, because she's only nineteen. At this point Danny and creep's eyes have glazed over and they're just like "Uh huh, uh huh. Yeah. Uh huh." Danielle goes on and says how she really should press charges against Ashley because she needs a wakeup call and to learn consequences for her actions. Danielle is such an amazing nurturer. She should get a humanitarian award.

On to Caroline's (she really needs to insert herself in more plotlines) for happier news. Things are looking up for Albie! He got his precious letter from Seton Hall! It was all "Hear ye! Hear ye! We at great Seton Hall do hearby declare Albinius Manzo to be not entirely retarded, and capable of studying the laws of this fair nation at another instution of lower prestige than our own." And everyone rejoiced! Well, Caroline was sad because it may mean Albie will have to go to a prestigious law school out of state, but overall she's still happy that her boy is going to keep on truckin'.

Next, it's backa to-a da bigga Giudice Pizzeria! Ayyyy! The whole Giudice clan shows up to make a biggga family pizzapie. Mostly, the three Giudice daughters screech like howler monkeys and throw dough and sauce everywhere and scream "MOZZARELLA! CHEESE!" Then Gia wraps the youngest one in a ball of dough and throws her into the oven like some sort of macabre calzone. Just kidding, that didn't actually happen...yet.

After that fun little interlude, it's back to Terrortown 24/7, as Danielle, Kim G, and her pack of old ladies (one of whom looks exactly like Gail from Sunset Daze) head down to the courthouse to officially PRESS CHARGES AGAINST ASHLEY! Dun dun duuuuuun! That girl is going to learn! She will be HELPED by Danielle! Danielle is going to help the shit out of her!

Danielle's lawyers ask her side of the story, and Danielle is all "Ashley told me that she was going to get me and that she would kill me and then cut off my head and crap down my neck!" The lawyer was like "Did you hear any of that?" to the old ladies, who responded "Well, uhhhhh, we heard some very loud noises! Very loud." So anyway, charges have been officially pressed. Watch out Ashley!

The next day, Kim G has the balls to jog-shuffle over to Jacqueline's house to "talk." Jacky Tabaccy is none-to-keen on letting the wheezing old crone into her home, but since it's cold she agrees. Once in the house, Kim whips out the morning's paper that has a full-color photo of her, Danielle, Gail, and the other lady walking out of the courthouse arm in arm splayed across the front page. Jacqueline tells Kim she thinks she's two-faced and is shocked that she would come over to her house when she was photographed with Danielle like some sort of "busted up Sex and the City" (HA!) Kim G says that duh, of course she's two faced, but she really is friends with Jacqueline! To prove it, she says she'll go to the hearing with Jacqueline instead of Danielle. Jacqueline questions the wisdom of betraying a known sociopath, but looks like Kim G. is dead set on as much screen time as possible, regardless of the boatload of wrath she is going to incur from the Staub Beast. Point is, this lady is really dumb.

That was basically it for this week. There was also a scene where Caroline and Jacqueline give a futile attempt to get Ashley to recognize her mistake, but it was unsuccessful and annoying, so I'm not going to go into it. Next week it looks like theres going to be some sort of confrontation between Jacqueline and Ashley. Or something. Honestly, I don't even know. This season really is a big pile of dog mess, isn't it? Blech.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

you totally missed when Teresa said "I don't know how to make dough - you know we buy the frozen kind!" uhh... this from the skinny italian "I cook everything from scratch every day" Pathetic...