Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Officer, arrest that coke whore!

Ugggggh! I need to start taking a Xanax before I watch this show or something, because these ladies seriously stress me out. The whole cycle of Danielle being unhinged and drama happening without any resolution or comeuppance is just too much to handle! Or at least, it's getting there, since I still watch, obvs.

We start this episode right where we left, with Teresa calling Danielle a bitch, and then Danielle being all “That’s e-fucking-nough!” which I have to admit is kind of amazing. I wish people would punctuate with “fucking” more often. “I’ll take the chicken to-fucking-stada, please.” “Yes, I would like the change the oil on my automo-fucking-bile. Thank you!” It adds a certain something, don’t you think?

Anyway, things escalate from there, Teresa starts bobbing her head giving the sass finger, and voices start to rise, but it’s still just yelling at this point. That is, until Danielle says that Teresa’s house is in foreclosure, and then BOOM, flip is switched. Apparently, Teresa hates being called poor even more than she hates being told to “pay attention.” The Medusa-tendriled banshee flies at Danielle, who in turn flees for the exit, since she can tell shit is starting to get real.

Danielle bounds down the hallway, Teresa stomping after her at breakneck speed, trampling and tossing any big-haired Jersey hausfrau that gets in her way. Along the way, both ladies volley the phrase “coke whore” back and forth like it’s going out of style. Eventually, Danielle makes it to the exit and hides in the bushes, a shaking mess with a broken Payless high heel. She shivers and cries about wanting to go home but not being able to move because her shoe is broken, which is really dumb. It’s not like she broke her foot. Just take the other shoe off and walk the 20 feet to your car! It’s not hard!

Eventually, Kim G and Danielle’s bodyguard/Eastern European gay porn star (right? Kind of a methier Bel Ami reject?) start to help Danielle out to the car, and it looks like things are starting to wind down when…YANK! A hand reaches into the rats nest atop Danielle’s head and gives it a strong pull, causing the insectoid beast to throw back her head and let out a painful howl into the night sky. At this point the bodyguard/Johan Paulik scoops up Danielle and bounds toward the Rentley as the wounded mantis softly sobs “Coke whore! Ashley! Coke whore! Arrest her!”

Safely inside the Rentley, Kim G tries to talk Danielle down. However, Danielle is beyond consoling, since Ashley pulled out a clump of her “real” hair. I put “real” in quotes there because everyone else says it wasn’t her real hair, just her weave. Danielle later holds up a clump of the alleged hair, which looks very synthetic to me, although I’m no fake hair expert. Andy Cohen should have had Kim Zolciak on “Watch What Happens Live” to determine it's authenticity.

But anyway, I digress. In the car, Danielle says she wants to leave, but in fact does not leave. They stay right there. At this point, Teresa decides to walk up to “talk” to Danielle, but is stopped by her bodyguards, who are all “This is a Bentley, and you’re approaching the Bentley, so you better step back.” Since she speaks the language of money, Teresa understands, and steps back.

(TANGENT: Maybe this is just because I live in LA so I see assholes showily driving them around all day, but would people stop acting like owning a Bentley is a big deal? People who own them are either a.) idiotic assholes who spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on an ugly car to show off that they have money or b.) idiotic assholes who are spending thousands of dollars renting an ugly car to look like they have money. Either way, you are an asshole. Just sayin’.)

At some point, Danielle decides that she’ll call the cops, because she wants them “all arrested,” presumably for the grave offence of weave-snatching, which is taken much more seriously in Franklin Lakes than it is in Atlanta. She calls up the cops and is like “This is Danielle Staub, and Teresa Giudice and Ashley tried to kill me” and the operator is like “Ma’am, shut the fuck up. We’re sending a team.” Well, she didn’t say that, but you can tell that’s what she was thinking

Eventually the cops arrive and take everybody’s statements. You can tell by the tone of their voices that they were not pleased to be doing this at all. Ashley tells them about how she only pulled Danielle’s weave, and not her real hair, so she didn’t technically touch her. Teresa‘s mob training kicks in and she is all “What? What happened? I don’t know?” After statements are taken and exasperated sighs are released, things die down and the cops tell everyone to go home.

The following day both sides circle the wagons and rehash their stories. At Danielle’s, the shaken and stirred mantis queen recounts her story to Danny, being all “I was just minding my own business, when suddenly Teresa maced me and kicked me in the vagina! I don’t know what happened!” At Caroline’s, Jacqueline and Teresa recount the story pretty much as it happened, and Caroline is all “I told you so. I TOLD YOU SO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!” while sternly sipping her tea.

Speaking of Caroline, looks like things maybe be looking up for Albie! Although he did get kicked out of his school for bad grades due to his learning disability, he is talking to a lawyer to see if they can get his law school to write a letter saying he can go to a different school, since apparently otherwise he’d have to wait two years. So, good for him! Even though I still suspect that some hard partying and shirking of studying responsibilities may have played a part in him getting poor grades, but whatever. Far be it for me to stand in the way of someone racking up a hundred thousand dollars of debt. This is America!

Later, Teresa recounts the Danielle drama again, this time to Joe. Through an elaborate pantomime, she goes over the events again, pretty much as they happened. She talks about Ashley’s weave pull, saying she did it because she thought Danielle had hit Jacqueline. Teresa says “It makes sense, I mean, if Danielle hit me, I think Gia would have done the same.”

This immediately made me picture Danielle running down a hallway, Teresa’s three daughters bounding after her, fangs bared, screeching like banshees. After some running, Danielle would turn around, and they would be gone! “Where did they go?” she’d think. Then she ‘d hear a scraping sound from above her. With a sinking feeling in her stomach, she’d look up, and see them crawling across the ceiling, mouths dripping with venom. And then, with an ear-piercing shriek, they would end her. Right there.

Ahem, anyway, Joe says Teresa did good, and they go off to presumably have big dumb guido sex.

Let’s see, what else of note happened… Oh! Some stuff with Jacqueline! First, Danielle gets a call from Sarai, her “energist” (not a real career), who “senses” Danielle is stressed out and suggests she let her call Jacqueline to work out the “negative energy.” More so though, I suspect the lady wanted to do this since she, like everyone else in Franklin Lakes, knows lashing your cart to Danielle’s crazy is a one way ticket to ostracism and ruin.

Either way, Sarai calls Jacqueline and is all “Ladies! Hands up! Let me see you shake your stuff!” Just kidding , she was like “I understand you have some negative energy, and for $4.99 a minute I’d be happy to remove it.” Jacqueline is all “Umm, k” and lets the lady hum at her over the phone or whatever it is she does, while she played games on her iPhone, which was kind of hilarious. It really is great how there is a whole cottage industry in Franklin Lakes of women selling snake oil to other women for outrageous sums. Seriously, you know how much those “energy” bracelets Dina buys cost? $100+ bucks each, that’s how much! Sigh…

Lastly, the other big scene with Jacqueline involved her confronting her terrible daughter about the weave pull heard ‘round the world. The jammies-clad women have a sit down and Jacqueline is all “You are a child! Why did you do you pull her weave?! She is crazy! She will chop off your head and eat your pituitary gland for this!” Ashley counters by being all, “Ugh, you’re lame mom. Way to take Danielle’s side over mine.” It goes on like this for a while, until Jacqueline’s husband comes home and lays down the law to Ashley, telling her to either stop acting like a oversized baby or get out of their house. Seems fair to me. I mean, really, either be an adult, and own up to the adult consequences of assaulting a crazed maniac, or sit down and shut up.

So that was about it for this episode. Oh, except there was that one scene where Kim G and Danielle got lunch and Kim ordered cheese fries, which I thought was hilarious. Miss “I’m so classy and I ride in a Bentley” lady eats cheese fries. HA!

But yeah, that’s it for this week. Next week it looks like Danielle takes up boxing? So she can beat up the other ladies? Yeah, I know, really weird. Until then, I bid all you coke whores adieu. You should all be arrested.

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