Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Dwight's Mooseknuckle is Burned Into My Retinas.

People got real philanthropic this week down in the city of peaches and cream. NeNe helped out battered and broken ladies, Dwight “helped” Sheree plan her fashion show, and Lisa helped her husband end his dreams of ever playing football again. Give them all a medal! More on all of this later.

But first! We begin our episode with Kim as she shops for clothes for her self described “mess” of a daughter, sans said daughter. She wants us to think that the store is very high end, but to me it looks about Kmart level, which makes the 600 something dollars she drops there even more incredible, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Kim invites Kandi along to the store to clear the air about skipping her big musical performance. Kandi gives Kim the most side eye I’ve ever seen in one show, but ultimately forgives her and the two talk about Kim’s “engagement” and other boring topics. Kim buys a bunch of terrible clothes for her monster child and the two head home.

Later, NeNe and Lisa meet to talk about the upcoming event NeNe is planning for her charity, Twisted Hearts, which benefits battered and abused women. Both women were former victims of abuse so are keen to help out. Some of you may remember this charity from last year’s Battered But Not Broken Big Hat Brunch. Well it’s brunch no more! This year’s event will be a high-heeled shoe race called “Heel the Soul” (Get it? Get it?). A bunch of ladies are going to put on heels and race each other, which somehow will raise money for battered women. Sponsorships maybe?

Next, in a rather heartbreaking scene, Lisa’s husband Ed works out with his trainer while continually wincing in pain from his tore up muscles. The trainer says that he could be putting his body at serious risk, and he should think of his family. Lisa shows up and says basically the same thing. Ed reluctantly agrees that it’s time to hang up the cleats and Lisa does everything in her power to contain her glee by trying to look sad and concerned.

On the other side of Atlanta, Sheree and Evil Gay Howdy Doody scope out the W Hotel ballroom facilities for the upcoming She by Sheree fashion show. Dwight completely takes over the planning and launches into an epic monologue about how the show will go, reminiscent of his tirade during the planning for his party earlier this season (IF THERE’S SHRIMP I WANT THEM TO BE CRISPY AND COOL! IS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE A LEOPARD? GIVE ME MORE!). The expression on the W party planner lady’s face is priceless. She has clearly never experienced Hurricaine Dwight before.

There is a mild dispute when Sheree brings up airing her terrible She by Sheree commercial during the show. Seriously, the thing is awful. It’s just a bunch of women in front of a green screen saying “She is _______" like some sort of Mad Lib (“She is pregnant! She is a bitch! She is a she-wolf in the closet!). So, it makes sense that Dwight says airing it at the show is a bad idea. But, since Ms. Whitfield is the HBIC and paid a hefty sum to produce the monstrosity, it is staying. Done!

After a brief visit to Kandi’s, where she frets about reentering the music industry, we move on to NeNe’s big “Heel the Soul” stiletto extravaganza! NeNe talks about all the people who are showing up, saying “we even got our gay guys on site.” Unfortunately, said on-site gay is none other than Demon Puppet Dwight, clad in a vomit-inducing skintight catsuit which makes it uncomfortably obvious that Mr. Eubanks enjoys going commando. It’s horrifying, guys.

Speaking of gays, the ladies are suddenly interrupted by an oversexed big-haired drag queen at their door. After a bit of confusion, the ladies realize it’s their old pal Clippers, here from LA just for the race! Clippers and Dwight meet, and Clippers says, dripping in double entendre, that he’s heard “big things” about Dwight, and I barf all over my apartment. Blech! Time to bleach my brain.

Anyway, NeNe, Lisa, Poppet of Satan, Clippers, and a few others pile into a party bus and head to the race course, which actually has a pretty good turn out. All the stiletto-clad ladies and gays line up, and after a countdown, THEY’RE OFF! Dwight leads the pack at first, but he’s quickly passed by a gay Usain Bolt. Seriously, the dude showed up in full on runner gear and heels. Awesome. So anyway, Gaysain Bolt zooms past all the trotting ladies and wins the prize. After huffing and puffing and wheezing and whining, NeNe finally catches her breath and heads to the podium to give the winner an award (which was clearly meant for a woman, but whatever). She and Lisa give half-assed speeches that amount to basically “Abuse is bad. Stop it” and the race is over. NeNe says next year she wants it to be bigger and shut down Peachtree Street. Good luck with that…

While the ladies in the ATL were stomping the streets and breaking their feets, Kandi is off in LA for her big meeting with Capitol Records. She meets with LV, the head of their “Urban Music” department to discuss her upcoming album, which she wants to call “Blog.” This may be one of the worst names for an album ever, except for that one Fiona Apple album. By the look on LV’s face, he agrees.

Anyway, after the two chat, LV officially tells Kandi that Capitol would love to have her on board. Yay! I honestly hope her album does well, since she is one of the only housewives in this entire goddamned franchise that I don’t want to fail. After they shake hands, the two head up to the roof of the building and take in the view to celebrate. Yaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Across the country, the Wu-Hartwells lay in bed with their sleeping baby all posed and shit and talk about how they want to have another child. And turns out, Lisa is irregular! So, she runs off into the bathroom to pee on a tiny machine, and then comes back to bed with it (ew) so they can wait for the results. After a few minutes, waa waa, looks like she’s not preggo. Lisa says she’s disappointed, though her body expression belies that feeling. So many hidden emotions in this episode! Ed says that when it’s supposed to happen it’ll happen, and he’ll just have to keep pumping her full of semen until it does.

Finally, that evening NeNe meets with her “favorite” Uncle Mel, who is Curtis’s brother. The two have wine and talk about Curtis and how he hasn’t talked to NeNe since the revelation that she wasn’t his daughter. Mel says he’ll get over it, and he isn’t mad at her. They also bring up some character named “Allan” who is a friend of Curtis’s and is claiming that he’s NeNe’s father. Mysterious!

Looks like next week we’ll get to meet this mysterious father figure, who I am hoping looks like NeNe in a suit. Also, and more importantly, if Bravo’s hints are any indication, it looks like next week we might get to see Kim…WIGLESS! Please let it be so!

ALSO! PLEASE check out this feature The Atlanta Journal-Constitution did on Dwight’s house. It’s amazing. You won’t regret it.

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