Friday, September 25, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Closed, broken, and independent pocketbooks.

First off, sorry for skipping a week of RHOA recaps. Between a pickup at work and my vibrant social life, I couldn’t find the time to recap last week’s antics. All you need to know is that Kim recorded the chorus for TFTP after a lot of complaining, they unveiled the alter ego pictures (all surprisingly good), and Kim fell down at the unveiling and acted like a big baby. There, all up to speed.

This week things came to a head, both figuratively as a fight between Kim and NeNe, and literally as a gigantic portrait of Sheree’s head. But more on those two topics later.

The episode opens with a bikini-clad Kim and her porcine friend Cori lounging by the pool. Did anyone notice Kim’s 80’s titty tan? You know, the kind where a woman’s boobs are completely brown except for a triangle around the nipple where her bikini was. Anyway, they talk about Kim’s wild and wooly relationship with Big Papsmear. They had ended their relationship over a nebulous “betrayal,” but apparently the two are at a better place thanks to an impromptu trip to the Bahamas. Now Kim is conflicted about what she wants, saying she’s at a crossroads. She wants a commitment and a ring, but being as it’s been 3 years and he still hasn’t divorced his wife, I don’t see that happening any time soon. Face it Kim, you’re just a sideline ho. Enjoy it! Relish it! You get cars and jewelry from it, don't you?

We move on to Sheree, who is checking out venues for her independence party with her “friend.” (Here I use “friend” the way my mom uses “friend” when she is talking about my boyfriend to old people.) Am I the only one getting a serious lesbian vibe from Sheree and her short-haired former military BFF? Something about the looks they give each other just tips me off a little bit. But, I could also be getting the dykey vibes from the fact that Sheree’s party will be women-only, and she is really excited by the fact that there’s a stripper pole at the club. Either way, Sheree likes the venue for her Sapphic orgy, and agrees to hold the party there.

On to the THEATAAAH, where Kandi and Lisa are rehearsing for their upcoming performances in The Pocketbook Monologues, which would be better titled as The Copyright Infringement Monologues, since it looks like the creator lady just copied The Vagina Monologues and replaced “vagina” with “pocketbook.” Also, this is kind of a creepy euphemism for vaginas, since it makes me picture a woman storing money, credit cards, and other valuables in her vagina like a kangaroo. So yeah, playtitlefail.

Anyway, first up is Lisa, who will be doing a monologue entitled “A Closed Pocketbook,” (LOL) since she is too classy to actually have a slutty piece. Hers is about falling in love with a guy in prison, or something. I thought she did a good job but the director begs to differ, which Lisa doesn’t take too well. Lisa also says “twat” at some point during this scene, which made me giggle.

Next up is Kandi, who has a very serious and dramatic scene about an HIV positive prostitute who was raped by her father and now purposely infects her johns. Sad stuff, although it’s hilariously titled “A Broken Pocketbook.” Apparently the insinuation is that HIV positive women have broken cooters. Anyway, everyone raves about Kandi’s performance, though I thought she overacted and it came off a little too “the talented girl in high school doing a dramatic read” for me, but whatever. Drama critic I am not.

Over at the Leakes household, NeNe meets with her ghostwriter from “a major publishing house” to discuss her memoir. She recounts her childhood growing up in Athens, Georgia, and how far she has come. She also brings up the whole Curtis drama from last season. She tells the ghostwriter she wants it to be a juicy book, because there’s nothing NeNe hates worse than a boring memoir. The writer says she doesn’t see how it’d be possible for NeNe to make a boring memoir, based on all the salacious shit in her life. I for one can’t wait for this book to come out.

Back to Sheree, who visits some pan-European painter named Rossin to get her portrait done for her independence party. Because that’s what every party needs, a gigantic portrait of the host. Rossin takes a few photos of Sheree, commanding her to “think Nefertiti 21st century,” which Sheree does…kinda? Anyway, the photos are snapped, and Sheree is sent on her merry way.

Across town Kim looks at expensive jewelry and talks about how Big Papa will buy them for her. Yawn.

Later that week, it’s time for “Talkin’ ‘Bout Snatches,” and the ladies will be performing to a packed house! Lisa is nervous, but does a great job with her monologue, and is very proud. Kandi drags her broken pocketbook onto the stage and does a good job as well, eliciting a standing ovation, which I think was a little much. Oh! And Dwight was there, looking weird and Muppety.

Over at Kim’s house, he is chastising her horrible daughter Ariana for trying to sneak cupcakes. “NO CUPCAKES AT THIS HOUR!” Kim commands, since if she eats this late she will turn into a Gremlin. Horrible Ariana succeeds in her fiendish quest for cupcakes, and all of Atlanta trembles at the impending Gremlin havoc that is about to be wreaked.

But before the Gremlin holocaust, it’s time for Sheree’s INDEPENDENCE PARTYYYYYYYY! Kim arrives on crutches, even though for this whole episode she’s been walking around on her feet just fine. Ugh. There are also numerous gays in heels, making me suspect that this is a rising trend among Atlanta’s gay elite. Heels and tight jeans. It’s a look.

NeNe confronts Kim about the song, and tells her that she’s fine with Kim recording it on her own, but personally she thinks that Kim won’t be able to sell the song without her. This starts a slow-boiling fight that culminates in NeNe calling Kim a dirty person and Kim saying NeNe is evil. So much for their reconciliation.

Sheree commands everyone to refocus on her, since it’s supposed to be her night. After a really fake-seeming speech about how she totally loves all you guys, she unveils the portrait Rossin did, which is actually pretty good. Everyone claps and then Sheree’s gay hairdresser brings out a dollar bill-clad female stripper to work the pole. Something tells me that this is the only pole-working Sheree has seen in a while, if you know what I mean. She prefers the hole. I’m talkin’ bout lesbians.

Anyway, after the stripper interludes, the Tardy for the Party fight continues, this time between NeNe and Kandi, although I can’t quite figure out why those two were fighting. Maybe because Kandi isn’t taking sides? I don’t know. Sheree’s scissor buddy interviews that she thought it was classless for the ladies to fight during Sheree’s special day, but Ms. Whitfield says it didn’t bother her, and she thought the party was a smashing success.

Then, as everyone exits the party, one woman screams “OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?!” All the ladies turn, but it’s too late. An army of fake Baby Chanel-clad Gremlins descends upon the partygoers, devouring them all until nothing is left but some mangled Jimmy Choos and a blood soaked portrait. The horror. Oh the horror.

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