Rachel Zoe Recap: Rachel dies, literally.

Everything’s coming up Zoe this week! Endorsements! Cartoon appearances! Photoshoots! Illnesses!

It looks like Rachel will finally get to put her acting chops to work: this week she receives a call from noted cougar enthusiast Ashton Kutcher asking her to appear in an episode of his retardedly-titled web series “the Blah Girls.” Jumping at the opportunity to pretend that she is friends with the celebrities she styles, she agrees and heads across town to meet with the Douche Prince.

Ashton tells Rachel that in the “episode,” she will be styling the Blah Girls for their prom. Rachel takes this opportunity to boast that she went to six proms. What a floozy. She likes the idea, but says she also wants make over all the girls and edge them out a little bit, which makes me think that she may not realize that these are cartoons and not in fact real girls. Also, I really want to be able to say “we just need to edge it out a little bit” in my daily life. New goal of this week is to work it into conversation somewhere.

“Noah, have you taken a look at the new marketing brochures?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you think?”
“They’re cool, but I just think we need to edge them out a little bit. Maybe give them a faux-fur vest and some sequins or something.”
“You’re fired.”

Anyway, they commence filming a couple scenes and it quickly becomes clear that Rachel cannot act. Like, at all. She also says that she can't read the script. Guys, is RZ illiterate? I've never seen her read or write anything. Conspiracy theory! Call the Truthers! Also hilarious, Rachel has to react to a cartoon that's not there, Jurassic Park style. Since she has no imagination at all, she fails at this too. Someone better introduce that bitch to Figment. Also, for some reason in my notes for this episode I wrote "inexplicable woozy" during this section, but I was drunk so I have no idea now what it referred to. Just thought I'd add that.

Anyway, we cut accross town breifly to Taylor doing a styling job by herself...again. And she complains about how she doesnt want to this...again. And how she's not focusing on her career...again. At this point they could just replace her with a VHS tape of her on a loop and it would serve the same purpose. Actually, that's a good idea. It'd be very high-art.

So that happens, and we head back over to Trainwreck Studios to watch Rachel make a fool of herself. Now she's doing voiceovers, which like her acting abilities, also sucks. The producer of the program winds up having to feed her lines, and it is clear that he hates his job/life. After a while though, Rachel gets into the swing of things and actually starts doing half-decent. She even improvs some parts! Watch out, Groundlings!

Rachel leaves Metro Goldwyn Douchebag studios and heads over to the Glamour shoot, where she is met by Jordan, Taylor, as well as Makeup Gay and Hair Gay. If Brad were there, then all Rachel's gays could cry "UNITE!" and turn into their giant, fabulous, gay Voltron robot. But alas, he was not, so they don't.

Since this shoot is based on reader questions, Rachel says that she is planning on styling for the everygirl. She then proceeds to dress the models in oversized fake-sheepskin vests and insectoid sunglasses. Everygirl indeed.

Rachel quickly takes over the entire shoot, much to the dismay of the photographer, creative director, and Glamour editor there. She also tells the black model that her hair is too "curly curly" and that they should smoooth it out a little bit, causing America to cringe so hard you can practically hear it.

Since she isn't able to be much help to Rachpoleon, Taylor goes outside to call Brad, who is adorably taking his elder dog (IT HAS A PACEMAKER, GUYS!) to the groomers. Taylor thinks this is outrageous, but that's just because she traded her heart away when she was 15 for a Baby-G watch and a pair of Sketchers. No, they were cool then!

The next day at the studio, Marisa arrives with Rachel's Blah Girls episode, hot off the douche presses. It looks really low budget, and is painfully unfunny. It also includes a gag with a girl literally giving birth to a cow (have a cow, get it?) that I am ashamed to say took me 15 minutes to get. I just thought it was some non-sequitor Family Guy shit. Apparently Ashton Kutcher is too smart for me.

After they finish watching the video, Ashton and Demi call (how convenient) from Atlanta. Rachel gushes about how she loooooooved it and how it looked so goooooood. Brad asks, totally unprompted by the Bravo producers standing around them, whether they've seen any of the ATL housewives while they were there. They haven't.

Accross town, Taylor meets with a friend of hers whose name I forget to ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN talk about how she isn't satisfied with her job. Is this bullshit going to last all season? Just QUIT already! Her beast of a friend asks whether she is happy, and Taylor says she isn't, and wants to style big corporate accounts, like Dodge (WTF?).

Taylor heads over to the studio to meet with Rach and finally talk about how she isn't happy. However, Rachel is inexplicably too "sick" and nauseous to even sit up. Taylor reacts so calmly and with such speed that it seems like she's done this before. Now I'm not saying Rachel does drugs or anything, but didn't this scene seem like a bad trip, say on something like Mexican diet pills? Just sayin'.

Rachel lays on the couch and moans while Brad and Taylor make fun of her. Brad offers her a clutch to barf in and says she looks fashionably nauseous. They offer to take her to the hospital, but she refuses (DIET PILL OVERDOSE), so they drive her home and call Rodger, who also acts like this situation is strangely familiar.

When they arrive, Taylor calls the Drug Overdose Hotline, ahem, I mean the "advice nurse," who says that Rachel just needs to lay down and ride it out. When asked what she thinks made her sick, Rachel cryptically says "my world is making me sick."

As Rachel lays on her deathbed, she and Taylor have a heart to heart. Taylor begs her not to die (I am not joking), and Rachel weakly tells Taylor that she is her "blessed jewel" like some sort of expiring family matriarch. Then Bravo rolls a big "To be continued..." as if they actually can make us think that Rachel might die in the next episode. How dumb do they think I am? Well actually, dumb enough to not get a joke in Blah Girls, so yeah...