Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Closet Freaks and Wig Wonderland

Today’s words are self-improvement and invention, since this week’s episode was all about the wigged and weaved wives moving up in the world.

We open on Lisa holding a model casting session for the upcoming fashion show for her line, “Closet Freak.” Apparently in addition to designing jewelry and being a nebulous “businesswoman,” Lisa also has an eye for fashion. Things start out just like Sheree’s model casting, but since Lisa is actually paying money for the show instead of relying on freebies and then expecting the world, they actually wind up seeing some half decent models for the show. Goes to show you get what you pay (or don’t pay) for.

Meanwhile, NeNe and Gregg are discussing Brice, NeNe’s deadbeat son. Apparently the no-goodnik has dropped out of college and spends his days doing a whole lot of nothing. NeNe is none too pleased at the loser her son is turning out to be, so she and Gregg agree that they need to have a little chit chat with him. It’s kind of weird to see NeNe in the parent role, since pretty much this whole season all she’s done is hate on the other ladies and act like an overgrown child-Muppet. These ladies have more layers than a Pillsbury biscuit.

Across town, Kim is clothes shopping with her horrible daughter Ariana. As the two pick through hideous overpriced smock-dresses, Kim interviews that she loves going shopping with her daughters, because it gives them a chance to bond. She also says it’s natural that her daughters love to shop, since they’re “little mini-me’s” of her. I actually think her daughter bears a closer resemblance to Marla Hooch from A League of their Own than Kim, but whatever.

Kim spots a dubious “Dior” child’s dress, and tells her daughter “Mommy wants to be buried in Dior,” to which daughter replies “Well I want to be buried in Juicy Couture,” which is kind of hilarious. Not only is a terrycloth track suit that says “juicy” on the ass a little inappropriate for a funeral, it will also be way out of style by the time she dies. It’s like the equivalent of a child of the early 90’s demanding they be buried in their Hammer pants and Hypercolor t-shirt. But I guess I shouldn’t be too critical of a child, spawn of Kim or not.

Meanwhile, Lisa meets with her designer in her Freak Closet to check up on the progress of the fashion line. Lisa is a little worried, since the show is NEXT WEEK and only about half of the pieces are finished. Designer Evelyn assures her that she’ll git-r-dun.

Over at the Buruss household, Kandi meets with her producer friend Don Vito to talk about the hot beats he’s putting together for “Don’t Be Tardy for the Party.” I’m sure Don Vito is some stupid Godfather-referencing alias, but I like to think it’s just his name. Like “Hello, I’m Donald P. Vito, at your service.” Anyway, Kandi bizarrely scatted the melody she had in mind for the song into Donald's voicemail, and from that he was able to put together a song. While it sounds very generic and simple, it’s actually surprisingly not as low budget as I expected for a Real Housewife jam. I guess Kandi might actually know people in the biz after all. Ms. Donald Edgar Vitolio Esquire is a little nonplussed at the news that music noob Kim will be performing the song, but Like Kandi, he's up for a challenge.

Next, Lisa meets Sheree at her house to exchange passive-aggressive compliments about each others’ fashion lines. Sheree thinks Lisa is a creepy copycat, and isn’t a real designer since she doesn’t sketch. Lisa thinks Sheree is a procrastinator and doesn’t have it together, and that you must be a business-minded businesswoman from planet Business in order to succeed in the fashion game. Both ladies interview that the other sucks, and we move on.

Back at NeNe’s, it’s time for the dreaded chat with Brice. NeNe goes all momspaz on him, telling him that he needs to go to school, get some education, stop staying out late, get a job, and for god sakes do something with that hair! He mumbles ok and shuffles off into his room.

At Wigcat Manor, Kim has the amazingly fabulous wig-peddler Derek J over to discuss her upcoming wig line. He arrives in a Flashdancy off-the-shoulder grey ensemble and heels, and I fall in love. Kim interviews that Derek isn’t transsexual or transgender, he’s just “transfantastic.” Well said.

After pouring wine and making small talk, the pair get to business. Kim says she wants to be a pioneer among wigmakers, since she sees a void in the current industry for wigs geared towards her Caucasian sisters. She says she’s looking for big porno hair, and it must be of human origin. For some reason, describing a wig as “human” gives me the heebie jeebies. Anyway, Kim says the next step will be to hold a wig party for all her friends to get the word out. WIG PARTY! Do they have these in LA? If so, I’m so going to one.

Later Lisa checks out the space for the R. Kelly's Freak in the Closet show. Apparently for the set they are having actual closets built, which seems a little literal, but maybe it will work out. Reeking of desperation, Lisa says that Dwight had animals and dancers at his event and Sheree will probably have a big event too, so she really needs to step it up! It’s a little disturbing how competitive this lady is.

But enough of that! It’s time for the muthafucking WIG PARTY! Ladies of all ages and races descend on Kim’s house to try on fake hair. Kim dons a bunch of different wigstyles, all of which look better than the current My Size Barbie look she is rocking. After a bit, NeNe arrives, screaming “WIIIIIIIGS BABY! WIIIIIIGS!” to announce her presence before heading directly over to the appetizers to chow down. Kim teases her for eating, but NeNe says of course she’s eating cuz she’s "fucking hongray."

Then, in perhaps one of the more bizarre events in housewife history, NeNe puts on Kim’s wig and does an uncomfortably long Kim impression that has everyone at the party squirming, sort of like when your grandfather gets drunk at Thanksgiving and rants about how we fucked the Indians. NeNe interviews that it was like she was possessed by the wig, because as soon as she took it off, her desire to mimic Kim disappeared. Then she threw a handful of dust in the bonfire and oddly said "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story, 'The Tale of the Witching Wig.'”

The next day, NeNe has enchanted ventriloquist’s dummy Dwight and his styling team over to perform a hairtervention on Brice, meaning they braid his hair and clean him up a little bit. NeNe says that Brice has an “ethnic side,” which is great, but he should still look clean cut. Next time I go too long between shaves or haircuts, I’m just going to say it’s because I have an ethnic side too.

Back at Sheree’s, she and her publicist are discussing how disappointed they are with their free event. Apparently Mercedes (Dealership of Duluth) and Tiffany’s (Corndog Hut) both think that the event is too big and too over budget, and are having cold feet. Once again Sheree complains about balls being dropped. It seems like the only balls in her life that haven’t dropped are the undescended ones in her abdominal cavity. Sigh...

Fashion show time! Everything falls together at the last minute, and it looks like Lisa is going to actually put on a decent show. Or at least have clothes, unlike Sheree’s mess from last season. Just as the finishing touches are applied, the guests begin to arrive at the venue, except for one Ms. Whitfield, who is conspicuously absent. Allegedly she has to miss it for her son’s rehearsal, but NeNe thinks she skipped it on purpose to throw shade Lisa’s way, which is probably the more accurate story.

After the guests take their seats, the show begins! A parade of model-ish women stomp down the runway decked out in what look like neon and pastel satin clown costumes. Seriously, I didn’t count one outfit that didn’t have some sort of billowy pant or frill. Dwight the Demonic Puppet shits all over each (metaphorically, nasty) outfit as it passes by: “That’s not finished!” “That’s too short!” He says because he’s been in “this industry” for 25 years, he knows what he’s talking about. I thought he did hair? Just because you know how to sew in a weave and you wear mink pants doesn’t mean you’re a fashion expert. NeNe more politely says that she thought the show was a “good first effort,” which coming from her, is something of a compliment.

At the afterparty, Sheree finally rolls up and is sassed by Lisa’s gay for not showing up to the show. This causes her to go nuts on the dude and dropping f-bombs like nobody's business. Sheree goes in and tries to talk to Lisa, but she gets the cold shoulder, so she leaves. She interviews that the guests at the party looked very unsophisticated and un-fashion, and if they were any indication of Lisa’s line, she didn’t miss a thing. BURN!

And that concludes that chapter of this tangled Dixie web. Next week, it looks like Kim has a freakout while recording, and then later passes out at some sort of red carpet event? Bravo gives us no context for this, so the whole ep looks like it’s going to be really bizarre.

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