Sunday, September 13, 2009

Rachel Zoe Recap: "Throw a leather jacket over a romper, throw it over a ball gown, throw it over everything."

Phrew! After a week of being on pins and needles, we will finally get to see Episode Two: Armani Prive Trains Strike Back. For those who didn’t watch last week, or are too lazy to scroll further on this blog to read the recap (sloth is a deadly sin, BTW. Just sayin'), Rachel had requested that Armani add a train to Annie's Oscar dress. However, Rachel hates the first option they give her, so now they are down to one train left. Rachel had better like the second look, or Mr. Armani will have her head on a fabulous tulle-enshrouded platter.

So, the second model comes out and….everyone loves it (surprise surprise). They all agree that it looks very modern and gorgeous, though I actually thought it looked kind of fugly, like someone stapled your grandmother’s lace tablecloth onto the models back. But whatevs, I guess that’s why I’m not an arthropodian Hollywood stylist.

Anyway, after everyone stops congratulating everybody giving each other reach-arounds, Rachel says that she has a good feeling about the dress, but she will OF COURSE have to see it on Anne, leaving the opportunity for Bravo to craft some made up plot tension, since obviously Anne Hathaway will be wearing the fucking Armani gown after all this commotion.

Later the gang meet to discuss their Oscar game plan. Rachel informs Brad that he will be with Anne all day on Oscar day, meaning he will essentially be handling everything. Rachel assures him it is a big responsibility, and she doesn’t want any fuckups like last year, when Cameron Diaz nearly killed herself and a bus load of blind children because Brad forgot to give her nipple covers to hide her jumblies. So, NO MISTAKES BRAD OR RACHEL WILL EAT YOUR HEAD LIKE THE PRAYING MANTIS SHE IS!

In addition to Anne Hathaway, Team Zoe will also be styling Demi Moore for the Oscar party she is co-hosting with Madonna. What's up with people who aren’t nominated or even associated with the Oscars at all hosting lavish afterparties? It’s like they think by having their name associated with a related event, everyone will just assume they were nominated. It just seems kind of desperate, but whatever. Anyway, after rejecting several perfectly fine dresses, Tay Tay and Rach settle on an oversexed Morticia Adams ensemble.

After some SexyBack-knockoff interstitial music, it’s CHAOS AT THE THOMPSON! Makeup Gay is hurriedly prepping Rachel for the Marc Jacobs show, which she absolutely must be on time for. Apparently, last year she was late and it was the scandal of fashion week. Or at least, was mentioned in passing by a gossip website. We never said modesty was her strong suit. They all hop in an SUV and race across town to the show, arriving in time to see Marc’s bizarre line of psychedelic acid bubbe creations.

With fashion week now officially over, Team Zoe head back to LA. Though they have a lot on their plate for Oscar week, they still have regular styling duties, and today Rachel and Taylor are out doing a “personal shop” for Liv Tyler. Taylor is still upset about the Jennifer Garner InStyle miscommunication, but Rachel essentially tells her to STFU, so she lets it go. With that settled, we’re treated to a hilarious shopping montage of the two getting looks for Liv as Rachel shouts “She will LIV(E). IN. THAT.” after nearly every outfit. Puns!

Later at the studio, Ms. Tyler arrives and is delightfully charming. Apparently Brad has done a lot of styling stuff with her in the past, so they are basically BFF’s now. What proceeds is a ten minute advertisement for Liv Tyler, as she trys on a bunch of looks and Rachel and Brad tell her how faaaaabulous she looks. Rachel relays a funny story about how she and Rodger were watching a movie of Liv’s, and during a scene where Ms. Tyler pulls out a boob (because lobbing out one tit is totally classier than showing the pair), Rodger screamed “GROSS!” and barfed all over the place, since apparently he and Liv are old friends. Anyway, Liv is pleased with the looks assembled, and happily bounds off to cyclops WeHo in her new Marc Jacobs romper.

Back at the Zoe homestead, Rachel tells Rodger that she thinks Brad might have a repeat of last year, and she worries he will fuck things up. Rodger assures her that Brad has done a lot of living and growing since then, so he’ll do fine. It’s not like it’s surgery or anything. Rachel counters that “It is actually surgery!” Apparently Brad will also be removing Ms. Hathaway’s appendix on Oscar day in addition to styling her look.

Across town, Taylor phones Brad in the studio to try and get him to help her style Jen Garner’s shoot. Brad refuses, since he’s too busy with Oscar prep. Taylor interviews that Brad was initially hired to help Taylor, so she doesn’t understand why he isn’t helping her. Except he is, since he is doing all the styling for Anne Hathaway, which Taylor would assumedly be doing instead if he didn’t work there. But who’s keeping track.

Whatever though, Brad has bigger fish to fry since Rachel has just told him that ANNE NEEDS A SECOND GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING LOOK! Apparently in addition to being nominated, she’s also participating in a musical number with Hugh Jackman at the beginning, which means she needs a dress she’ll be able to move in. However, like most things on this ridiculous show, it’s not nearly as big of a problem as they make it out to be, since they find a dress that will work within minutes.

Later, another bomb is dropped: they will only have one hour with Anne to do a fitting. IMPOSSIBLE! It takes years to put dresses on skinny actresses, not one mere hour! He’s not a magician! He phones Rachel, who is typically freaking about the news. Makeup Gay tries to lighten the mood, saying they should just throw some American Apparel leggings on her and call it a day. The two boys then have an impromptu Flashdance party, having a grand old time until Marisa comes in and gives them serious sideye, shitting all over everything as usual. What a bitch.

Anyway, Anne comes over (which we don’t get to see, because she’s an actual celebrity), and both looks looked great on her. They’ve also decided to not use either train on the dress, which I’m sure Armani will be thrilled about. The nerve of dat broad!

Before Rachel leaves, she says she needs to talk to Brad about his attitude. “Brad… you have a Braditude” she says earnestly. “A moody. Snarky. Braditude.” Brad says he didn’t realize he was doing it, but he’ll try to be more upbeat, though he counters that Rachel also has an attitude. Rachel says she is passive aggressive, not snarky. There’s a difference.

Things aren’t all scalding-city for Brad though. Rachel fills him in on the wonderful news that HE. WILL. BE. GOING. TO. THE . OSCARS. WITH. ANNE. HATHAWAY. Apparently he’ll be there to help her change her outfits and make sure there aren’t any wardrobe problems. After Brad finishes crying and regains sanity, they both talk about what a surreal experience this is.

Finally, it’s Oscar day! Except for a fiasco involving nude leotard underwear and Anne Hathaway almost breaking out into a rash, the day goes swimmingly. Rachel says that Annie looked gorgeous and her body was out of control. I’m hoping she means out of control as in had explosive diarrhea and was convulsing all over the place, but I think she means it in a good way (sigh).

The next day all three Zoeians recap the previous day’s events. Brad had a crazy good time backstage at the Oscars, getting to see all of his favorite celebrities including Zac Efron, who he LOVES (which is kind of creepy considering Brad is like 32 and Zac Efron looks 12, but whatever). Since she hates fun and laughter, Taylor scowls and yells from the couch that she would rather shoot herself than go to the Oscars, and this conversation makes her want to slit her wrists. And with that, the episode ends. What a positive way to close things!

So anyway, that was that episode. One of the best, if only because it introduced “Braditude” into my life. Next week there’s dramz about Rachel being too skinny, so that should be really good. Visible spinal column y'all!

No comments: