Thursday, September 3, 2009

Rachel Zoe Recap: The Saddest Fashion Week in American History

It’s fashiooooon weeeeeek everyoooooooooone (said in Oprah voice)!!!!! Rachel tells us that timewise, they’re fucked, since this year fashion week falls days away from the Oscars, which means Team Zoe is up to their Bvlgari-clad ears in work. Brad wonders why they are even going to Fashion Week this year since they have so much to do. Rachel says that since the economy is so bad, it’s her duty to go, because if she didn’t, nobody would. Rachel Zoe single handedly saves the fashion industry! Give this woman a medal.

Mother Zoeresa moves on to discuss the styling of Anne Hathaway for the Oscars. Since her Armani Prive dress from the Globes was such a shut-it-down bananafest, Rachel thinks they shouldn't mess with a good thing. She has another Prive dress in mind, but doesn’t think it has enough pizzazz. Drunk with power from her ability to convince Count von Lagerfeld to stop drinking the blood of Czech twinks long enough to alter last week’s Cameron Diaz gown, Rachel decides to try her luck and ask Mr. Armani himself to add a train to the Oscar dress. Has this woman no limits?!

Meanwhile, Taylor complains that she doesn’t even want to go to New York since she has so much to do back in LA styling for the upcoming InStyle shoot they have with Jennifer Garner. She will soldier on and go though, since the Zoe demands it.

Later, Brad and Taylor go over options for Anne Hathaway in case the Armani dress doesn’t work out. The dresses are pretty, but all too weird or "boobalicious" for such a tasteful day as the Oscars. Brad tries to get Taylor to try on one of the dresses, backhandedly saying she’s having a skinny day. They should just change the name of this show to “The Giving Taylor Body Issues Project.”

On to New York! Rachel and her pet husband Rodger arrive at the fancy shmancy Thompson L.E.S. hotel. She checks in and makes sure the bags have arrived while he gurgles and plays with his bangs. The concierge assures Rachel that all seven (!) of her weirdly saran-wrapped bags have arrived safe and sound and are in her room. Rachel interviews that she always travels with a full wardrobe of clothes since she likes to have options. Always prepared, that one. She must have been a Boy Scout.

Rachel confesses that not unlike a kinkajou monkey impulse-bought by Paris Hilton, Rodger always feels neglected during fashion week. She was hoping that after doing this year after year he’d get used to it, but he’s still a needy nelly. Poor little guy.

Time to prep for the Rag & Bones show! Makeup Gay says she must be going nuts with all the stuff she has to do. She replies that she is indeed going out of her “cuckoo fucking head right now.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

The hours fly by, and before we know it it’s time for the show. Brad and Rachel hop in their Escalade and head over, while Taylor plays a fiddle for scraps of food on the street. Brad interviews that Fashion Week is like the Olympics, since you have all the big designers vying for a place in the spotlight. He says it’s like watching Kristy Yamaguchi skate. I immediately pictured Diane von Furstenberg and Marc Jacobs doing pairs figure skating and giggled to myself. “MAHK! LEEFT ME! LEEFT ME!”

On the red carpet outside the show, Rachel tells a reporter that she and her clients rock Rag & Bones and love it. Inside, Rachel and Brad watch the different looks strut down the runway and say that they’re all cuckoo bananas, but not right for the Oscars. Afterwards, Rachel poses with the designers and fawns over how great the clothes were while they ignore her for someone more interesting and famous.

Back at the hotel, Taylor is still stressing out over the “Jen Garner” InStyle shoot. She says that she has to put together three looks: a “wet hair” look (huh?), an edgy look, and an androgynous look. Sounds easy enough, though I don’t quite understand why someone needs a couture gown for a wet hair look. Was the idea that it rained on some sort of fabulous parade?

While she’s doing that, Rachel and Brad head over to meet Diane von Furstenberg (DVF as Brad calls her, and “Diahnnn” to Rachel). It must be written in their contracts that Brad and Rachel get to do everything fun while Taylor has to do all the shitty jobs, because that’s how this season is seriously playing out. Anyway, the two meet with DVF, who explains that her new line, dubbed “Nomad,” is intended to be full of real clothes that are like old friends that every woman can enjoy. She proceeds to roll out a series of kinte prints, ridiculous pom pom hats, and gigantic suede coats. Totally real clothes, if you are some sort of fabulous Nepalese Sherpa. On her way out, Rachel tries to steal a necklace but is caught by DVF and made to give it back. Apparently DVF does not offer a five finger discount.

Across town Taylor is grumpily searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. She authoritatively tells people at stores she’s styling a shoot for Jen Garner and needs looks, then proceeds to insult all the options they give her. Of one look, she says that Ms. Garner would look like a “Rushunn Huuucker” in her bizarre accent. Seriously, where is she from? She sounds like a cross between Lauren Conrad and a stroke victim. Then, in case we forgot, she reminds us how much she doesn’t want to be there and would rather be back in LA.

Over in funtown, Rachel is getting dressed up for the Matthew Williamson store opening. She parades around in various looks while Brad, Makeup Gay, and Marc Jacobs' stylebear fiancé Lorenzo tell her how terrible she looks. After about an hour, she finally decides to choose the first look she tried on. *headdesk*

The gang arrives at the party and Rachel poses for paparazzi while voiceovering about how much she hates posing for paparazzi. Inside, she runs into old friend Lindsay Lohan. The two schmooze while the photogs “have a field day” taking pictures of them. LiLo gives a coy little look to nobody in particular and the two head off into another room. Ski trip anyone?

Night turns to dawn, and it’s Valentine’s Day! Rachel coos at her husband in a bizarre baby voice to wake up while he grunts at her and falls back asleep. She says that the holiday always falls during Fashion Week, but this year she really wants to make it a priority to spend at least part of her day with Rodger. He finally wakes up, and the two have a romantic room service breakfast. Rachel tells him she pulled a Richard Gere, so Rodger places some sunflower seeds under her chair to coax out the gerbil. However, she meant that she ordered everything off the menu like in Pretty Woman. Phew!

After their romantic morning, it’s back to work. Rachel and Brad head over to visit “Mr. Armani” to thank him for all the red carpet moments he’s given them and for altering Anne's gown. Brad comments that it’s like going to fashion church. Idolatrous fashionistas! The two arrive at Armani to a dubbed-in heavenly choir. Rachel spews platitudes onto Mr. Armani while he babbles through his daughter/translator about Prive being a geeft he geeves to heemself. After they stop weeping and their hysterical blindness goes away, Brad and Rachel blissfully head back to the hotel.

Back on Misery Lane, Taylor is still searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. Dude, just PICK some already! Is it really that hard to find three dresses for Jennifer Garner to wear in fucking InStyle? Anyway, Taylor goes to a vintage store where she and the owner bitch about how over fashion week they are since it’s not about the clothes anymore. Sigh.

Brad and Rachel go to more shows and have more fun while Taylor is still stomping around New York with steam shooting out of her ears like a foiled Elmer Fudd. She meets up with Makeup Gay for a bitch session. She complains that she’s just so fruuuustraaaaated at where her career with Rachel is at. She was promised growth, and to be able to be involved in Rachel’s upcoming product line, and now it’s looking like the line might not even happen.

Except it is! Accross town, Rachel heads over to a company called Tiger J, which sounds like the name of a gay porn star, but apparently is one of the largest manufacturers of outerwear in the United States. She’s there to discuss a possible partnership with them, and brings Marisa along with her to the meeting. Not Taylor, dirty old MARISA. Tay Tay is gonna be piiiiiiiiissed. Anyway, the folks at Tiger Tyson want to partner with Rachel for a line of faux-fur and leather jackets. This seems oddly fitting, since for some reason Rachel Zoe’s face and fake leather go well together to me.

Back at the hotel, Taylor meets with Rachel to tell her she’s going home. She says she doesn’t want to be at fashion week, and doesn’t even understand why she’s in New York in the first place since she hasn’t been able to go to any shows. Rachel interviews that she thought she was giving Taylor a reward for her hard work by bringing her to NY, but it’s just a mess, and she can’t win. Taylor leaves to pack, and on her way out dramatically shouts that she’s “never coming back to New York ever!” So there!

Before she leaves, however, she’s going to have a night on the town with Brad, Makeup Gay, and Stylebear Jacobs. She tries on various going outfits with Makeup Gay, including a hot pink tube dress she says she bought for court. And by court she means all night coke orgies at MyHouse. Makeup Gay hates most of her outfits, and makes her wear a leopard print sausage casing instead. They meet up with Brad and Stylebear and head over to the party. Brad divas it up for the paparazzi outside before meeting the rest inside, where they all dance like idiots and have a grand old time.

The next morning, Taylor heads back to LA while Brad and Rachel meet with the ladies at Marchesa, who reeeeeeeeally want Rachel to use one of their dresses. Rachel thinks the dresses are gorge, but not for Anne at the Oscars. Sorry ladies!

Upon arriving in California, Taylor resumes her search for looks for the InStyle shoot. She’s well on her way when she gets an e-mail saying that the shoot is actually only going to be from the neck up, so it’s just going to be about hairstyles and jewelry. Needless to say, Taylor is super pissed, and wishes that Rachel had told her this from the get go so she didn't spend the last few days frantically looking for full looks. She says this is a prime example of the miscommunication rampant at Team Zoe.

Back in NYC, a swarm of stern-looking Armani reps arrive at Rachel’s hotel room with the potential modifications for Anne’s dress. They say they have two options for trains. The first one is fitted onto a model they brought with them in a suitcase. Rachel says it’s very pretty, like a fashion fairytale, but it looks like a sea of taffeta and she thinks it will overpower the dress. She shakes her head at the reps and says a firm “no.” Dramatic music plays and the reps continue looking very stern. “To be continued…” flashes across the screen.

It’s a cliffhanger folks! What will happen? Will Rachel use the second look? (Yes.) Will the reps from Armani fly into a limoncello-induced rage and strangle Rachel with their taffeta creation? Only time will tell.

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