Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Kim will NOT be doing blackface.

A feeling of mystery lies thick as a fog in the Georgia air. This week is alter-ego week.

NeNe organizes a spa day with Sheree and Kandi to discuss the upcoming photo shoot. It should be noted that the word “spa” is being used very loosely here, since all I see are easy chairs and a sink, but whatever.

All three women will be getting Minks, which are apparently some sort of fancy nail that Beyonce and Rihanna have. NeNe is surprised that Kandi is only getting Minks, since she also booked her for a “wax for her coochay hair.” Kandi declines, since she is already in the process of getting the hair on her cooter permanently lasered off. Unprompted, Sheree volunteers that she is as bald down there as the day she was born.

Sensing that the conversation has gotten really weird really quick, the conversation moves on to the real reason they’re all together: the shoot. NeNe breaks down the concept for each lady. For herself, she’s modified things a little bit and will be a stripper and a client watching the stripper.

Before she reveals Sheree’s, she tells her to have an open mind, which is never a good sign. What NeNe had in mind was to have Sheree wearing a prison costume breaking into an ATM for seven figures. Sheree gives a spectacular bitchface indicating that she doesn’t like the idea too much. However, once NeNe tells her she can be a sexy robber, she enthusiastically agrees. Problem solved! Just goes to show that the difference between a good idea and a bad idea is the word “sexy.”

For Kandi, NeNe says she initially had her as a bride and a groom, since she’s engaged and all, but THEN she thought she could also make her hood, because “she hood.” This causes the ladies to launch into a dreaded hood-off! Kandi is shocked that NeNe had the nerve to call her hood, since she thinks NeNe is the most sassy finger snappingest of all of them. NeNe counters that she is NOT from the hood, and thinks Kandi is way more hood than she is.

They go on like this for a while until conversation moves on to everyone’s favorite wigalicious whipping girl, Kim. Sheree and NeNe warn Kandi about Kim, but she says she thinks Kim is pretty cool, and she’s going to give her a shot, letting them know that she’s agreed to produce Kim’s club banga for her.

NeNe asks if Kandi’s actually heard the pop masterpiece yet, and she says she hasn’t, so they go to her car for a listen. I don’t think I’d ever actually listened to how terrible the lyrics are. A sample:

“Don’t be tardy for the party, I can hardly wait/ Though it starts at 9:30, I’ll be there by 8/ By 8:30 the hors d’oeuvres arrive I fill up my plate/ I can already tell this party is first rate.”

So basically the song about some asshole who arrives an hour and a half early to your party so they can gorge themselves on appetizers before the rest of the people arrive. Who thought this was a good idea for a hit single again? In any case, Kandi recognizes she has her work cut out for her, but she sees potential and promises to make it hot.

After a bizarre belly dance/ stanky legg interlude, we move on to Lisa and Kim’s much ballyhooed meeting of the minds. Kim wants Lisa to apologize for insinuating she lied about having cancer (even though, you know, she did), and Lisa wants Kim to apologize for telling everyone in Atlanta that she was a crack whore (which Kim also did).

They meet at an empty restaurant and are surprisingly cordial to each other. Since no “important” conversation can be had in Atlanta unless it’s done over shitty white wine, the ladies each order a glass of chardonnay and start to hash things out. Lisa brings up the crackwhore issue, causing Kim to babble about Google alerts and how she had nothing to do with it. Lisa interviews that she can knows Kim is lying since she was told by all of the Atlanta metropolitan area that Kim says she was out turning tricks on Peachtree St. However, she knows Kim will never fess up, so she lets it go.

Lisa goes on to enable Kim’s compulsive liar behavior and apologizes for insinuating Kim lied about having cancer. All in all though, it was a surprisingly adult meeting, even ending on a hug! Both are glad that they can move forward. Booooooring.

Across town, Kandi and Sheree meet up at a cute dessert café to have a girl ta;l. Sheree obnoxiously says that she hopes they have a good salad or something. Everybody in the shop eyerolls and tells Sheree to shut the fuck up and order a piece of cake, so she does. After getting situated, they start talking about Lady Whiskyvoice du Newport again. Sheree says that Kim is the type of chick you go to parties with and stuff but you never tell them your personal business. Kandi says so far she thinks Kim is really cool. Sheree ominously tells Kandi to watch out and that her time will come. Then she holds a flashlight under her chin and makes spooky ghost noises.

The topic moves on to relationship issues. When Sheree asks how Kandi’s engagement is going, she inadvertently unleashes a floodgate of depressing information. Apparently, Kandi’s cousin and her fiance’s nieces and nephews were hit by a drunk driver and are all in the hospital. She tearfully says that she thinks it would be in bad taste to throw an engagement party as planned when so many of their loved ones are in the hospital. Taking her cue, Sheree maces herself and frantically jabs at her eyes with her Mink-clad fingernail until she starts tearing up as well. Kandi thanks Sheree for listening, since she doesn’t normally like crying in front of people. Sheree says she’s the same way…yeah right.

Back at Chateau von Wig de Menthol, Kim is interviewing a new nanny to replace the previous one who they had to fire after the tampon fiasco. Kim fills the new candidate in on what her vital duties will be, like making the girls wear their helmets and get their Chik-fil-A at the right time.

Lastly, Kim tells the nanny that she smokes, drinks, and generally has a wet and wild good time, and she doesn’t want to get any lip about it like she did from the old nanny. She’s not dead for god’s sake! She also doesn’t want to hear any bellyaching about her taking speedballs straight to the heart every morning in the living room. This isn’t a gee-dee convent!

Later, NeNe invites Lisa over for a gossip sesh. After the necessary shitty wine is poured, the ladies once again complain about Kim. Lisa talks about how Kim won’t admit to her lie and NeNe says that she heard Kim’s been going all over town complaining about how she doesn’t want to do blackface. NeNe REALLY wants Kim do blackface so they give her a call to see what’s up.

NeNe is all “DO BLACKFACE!” and Kim is all “No! I don’t wanna!” so then NeNe is like “Well then you got any other ideas, wise guy?” and then Kim is all “Yeah. Jaykay no” and then NeNe is like “Why I oughtta…” NeNe tells her to think about possible new egos overnight and let her know in the morning.

The next day, it’s shooting time! As she leaves, NeNe tells Gregg that she’ll be gone all day, since she’s directin’ all the ladies shoots. She also lets us know that she’s come to a compromise with Kim: the wigged wonder will be playing a Stepford’s (SIC) wife and a mistress. NeNe thinks this is all kinds of lame, since Kim is already a mistress so it’s not much of a stretch. Gregg counters that at least this means she won’t have to rehearse much. OH SNAP! He also says he’s going to stop by the bank before NeNe’s shoot so he can come over and make it rain. Gregg FTW!

Finally, the shoot commences in earnest. First up is Lisa, who as mentioned earlier will be a good girl/bad girl. The concept of the shoot is that bad girl dominatrix Lisa will be pushing over Girl Scout Lisa while she’s riding her bike, which is actually kind of a cute idea. Back inside, NeNe and Kandi hiss at each other and trade passive aggressive compliments. All the ladies are getting a little annoyed at NeNe’s bossy attitude, but she counters that when you’re a director and you have a “buncha bitches who doesn’t wanna listen to whatcha sayin’, you gotta get a little bossy.” Take note, Scorsese.

Next up is Kandi, who has decided to change her shoot from bride and groom to drunk driver and victim, to “raise awareness.” I suppose it’s a good sentiment, but an alter ego vanity shoot seems like an odd way to discuss the dangers of drunk driving. Anyway, they start the shoot, and she poses as a Benz-driving flapper with bottle of hooch in hand and a banged up and bloodied black Dorothy splayed on the hood. The results are both sad and strangely hilarious.

In the prep room, SHEREE AND KIM HAVE ARRIVED! Dun dun dun. Surprisingly, instead of a prolonged catfight in a lily pond, the ladies have a polite chat about how they should do something for Kandi in her time of need. What’s with these ladies and their polite discourse? I demand more wig shifting, god damn it!

Time for Kim’s mistress shoot! They make her put on a black Velma Kelly-type wig, which Kim complains is just as bad as blackface, if not worse. Black bob wigs are HIGHLY offensive to 31 year old chain-smoking homewreckers, guys. Out of nowhere, Dwight pops us and tells Kim she looks fabulous. He then puts on a pair of gigantic heels and struts around the studio. What does Dwight do, anyway? Doesn’t he have a job?

After Kim stops complaining about being oppressed by her black wig and Dwight stops high kicking in a pair of slingback pumps, the team head over to a Laundromat for Kim’s shoot. The concept is for “Stepford’s Wife” Kim to be giving slutty whore mistress/IRL Kim nasty looks while they do their laundry. Kim predictably sucks at doing the shoot and NeNe complains that she shouldn’t be having any problems since she is essentially playing herself. Mercifully, the session ends and they move on to Sheree and NeNe’s shoots, which will be done at Magic City, Atlanta’s classiest place to see ladies slither their tits out and scissor each other while men throw money at them.

First is Sheree, who is being a surprisingly good sport about the whole gold digger-themed shoot. She poses as a classy woman being choked at an ATM, and then as her fabulously dressed and befauxhawked assailant. She takes to it like a pro, and before we know it her shoot is over.

Last, and certainly not least, is NeNe’s stripper and client shoot. By that time, it’s so late that the actual strippers have begun doing their thing in the background, which NeNe says helps give her energy. She first poses as a modestly dressed woman in pearls who would “never be caught dead in a strip club,” even though that’s exactly where she is. I guess logic isn’t really a factor in these shoots.

This portion of the shoot goes fine, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the second half, where Lady Leakes gets her freak on, stripper style. After getting decked out in a long black wig and sparkly red eyeshadow, NeNe hits the pole like the rent is due. She drops it down to the floor and flickers her tongue in and out like an oversexed gecko. She even has a few nip slips, but is too in the zone to notice. In case anyone was suspicious about how NeNe is such a natural minge-monger, Gregg clarifies that she strips for him every night, and he strips for her. They’ve said this before, but I guess I always thought it was the innocent Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies sort of striptease, and not the Elizabeth Berkley licking a pole in Showgirls kind. This gives a whole new disturbing glimpse into the bedroom of NeNe and Gregg.

Finally, it’s a wrap! All in all, the alter ego shoot was a smashing success. I’m actually pretty excited to see how they turn out. Knowing these Bravo assholes though, they’ll probably make us wait until the very last episode.

However, next week’s preview shows NeNe donning a blonde wig and doing a Kim impression right in front of her face, so we still have some good stuff to look forward to in the meantime. Until then!

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