Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: ATL vs. LA Deathmatch

This week’s episode opens on Lisa and Nene visiting “fab’rik” to go shopping for their trip to Los Angeles. What the hell is with the names of clothes stores in ATL, by the way? Fab’rik? Blue Genes? It's like someone issued a memo that every store in the city needs to have some half-baked play on words as it's title.

The ladies are very excited about visiting LA. Lisa because she’s visiting her family, NeNe because she gets to meet Lisa’s “granmama” and see her Asian side, since apparently biracial families are like giant squid to her. She’s heard tell of them, but never seen one alive.

NeNe wants to buy a gift for granmama. She suggests something sporty, Lisa reminds her that her grandmother is 93 and isn’t doing much sporting, unless by sporting she means shuffleboard and pooping herself. NeNe picks out some gold hoops so Granny Wu can let her hood side shine.

The girls try on clothes and coo “cuuuuuuute” at each other, having a grand old time until Lisa suddenly drops a big downerbomb by bringing up her recently departed brother Meho. Lisa’s relatives want her to visit his gravesite while she is in LA, but she’s not sure she wants to bring up those emotions. NeNe says she’s never been to her mother’s grave either because it’s scary. However, she assures Lisa that she’ll go with her for support.

Accross Atlanta Kandi is in the studio recording her new track. The song is about flying above all the haters, a very cutting edge topic in music which has never been done before. As promised from last week, Kim arrives with daughter Ariana in tow. The two women squeal at each other and hug. Kim’s squeal actually sounds more like the shriek of a falcon after it’s smoked 2 packs of Misty 120’s than that of a human being, but you know, potato potahto.

Kim confesses that this is the first time she’s been back in the studio since last season’s Tightrope debacle, which we get to painfully revisit via flashback. Thanks Bravo.

After everyone’s eardrums stop bleeding, Kandi and the Cigarette Falcon sit down for a chitchat. The two discover that their birthdays are OMG 2 days apart, making them both Tauruses (Tauri?), though I like to think Kim is a Ford Taurus, not the celestial bull. Either way, both women agree that they’re a lot alike, and marvel at the kismet that caused their two paths to converge.

Kandi reveals that she and Kim’s conversation at the King Tut traveling exhibit/mall tour inspired her to write her anti-hater anthem. See, Kim had told her that she had a lot of haters, and Ms. Buruss could relate since she too has a great deal of said haters. She sings the song for Kim, who is floored that she could inspire someone to write such a magnificent song after one meeting. Is there a female version of a bromance? Vagmance? Friendgina?

Kim brings up wanting to record with her new friendgina. Specifically, “Don’t be Tardy for the Party,” last season’s breakaway hit (which is now a full fledged music sensation). Kim tells Kandi that she’d love to record the song, and maybe have NeNe rap a verse as well. Kandi asks Kim to demo the song for her but Kim declines to preserve her beautiful whiskyvoice for later use. She says she’ll get back to her with a copy.

Meanwhile, NeNe meets with noted Atlanta photographer Derek Blanks to discuss doing an alter ego photoshoot, which are apparently all the rage in the ATL. An alter ego shoot, for all you N00Bz out there, is when a person photographs as two polar opposite characters and the two are edited together through the magic of Photoshop.

Derek asks if the rest of the housewives will be participating. NeNe, sensing an opportunity to command the other ladies like a blacker, more fabulous Mussolini, agrees to this immediately. The two brainstorm potential egos for everyone. Lisa’s will be the traditional good girl/bad girl, since NeNe senses she has a wild side. For Kim, right now NeNe is thinking fashiony slut and country singer. For herself, NeNe seductively tells us she is a housewife, but also a stripper, so that will be her shoot. So anway, that’s something to look forward to for next week!

NeNe heads over to the nail salon wearing gigantic sunglasses to meet Kim for a buff’n’bitch. Kim tells her to take them damn sunglasses off, but NeNe refuses since she’s just had a chemical peel so what lies beneath ain’t pretty.

NeNe lets Kim know about the alter ego shoot. NeNe has opted not to do the Whore/Cowboy juxtaposition for Kim. Instead, she’ll be doing blackface. Yes, Kim Zolciak will be doing blackface. God is good. Kim is a little uncomfortable with this, but NeNe tells her that she is a black girl in a white girl’s body so she’ll take to it like a duck to water. She’s even picked out a black name for her! Kim decides to roll with it, because hey, face time.

The conversation moves on to NeNe’s trip with Lisa, to which Kim gives an eye roll so big it’s basically a hair whip. NeNe says that she’s excited to see Lisa’s mysterious and strange Asian side and celebrate granmama’s 93rd birthday. Kim’s head explodes at the prospect of Lisa also living into her nineties. She picks up the pieces of her exploded head, puts them back together, and insincerely wishes NeNe a good trip.

LOS ANGELES TIME! NeNe and Lisa roll through Beverly Hills in a convertible. Lisa talks about how good it feels to be home and asks NeNe if she’s ready to meet her Asian side. NeNe says that she’s got a pair of chopsticks in her purse, so she’s good to go.

The girls roll up to their fancy digs at the Chamberlain Hotel, where NeNe requires assistance getting out of the car since her heels are to high and/or she’s too drunk off airplane booze to get out herself. On their way up to their room, the girls are accosted by a tipsy pocket gay who asks them for nail clippers (which is beyond weird). The ladies decline his creepy request but do invite him to margaritas on the roof at a later date. NeNe interviews that she is a gay magnet, so it’s not really a surprise that he would come up to them. I’d like to qualify that and say NeNe is a freakish gay magnet, since the only ones she seems to attract are walking Saw mask Dwight and this nail clipping fiend.

Back in Atlanta, Sheree is planning her upcoming fashion show over her usual cauldron of guacamole, which is apparently the only thing she ever eats. The show will be the an exlusive, invite-only ordeal. I swear, even these ladies fucking BM’s are exclusive invite-only affairs.

Like her Independence Party, the planning is being done gratis in exchange for publicity. Apparently learning nothing from that disaster, Sheree takes the free service and runs with it. She says it would be nice for Tiffany’s to furnish her jewelry for the party and to arrive in a Maybach. She would also like the power to control the weather, eternal youth, and a vagina that births solid gold babies. They had better not disappoint her.

3,000 miles away Lisa and NeNe go shopping on Rodeo Drive. NeNe comments that she feels uncomfortable since everyone there looks rich and clean, like they don’t need a bath. Apparently NeNe usually goes dumpster diving with hobos to get her fashions.

The ladies lunch, and NeNe weirdly calls everyone “dahling” and complains about people in LA being phony. She stops mid-sentence to shout that the wine they ordered is “some bullshit wine” and tells the waitress to bring them a couple of “Miss Thangs” instead. When the waitress is all “What the fuck is that?” NeNe says that it’s a margarita with some OJ. See! Bethenny Frankel isn’t the only housewife who can trademark a cocktail. Take your SkinnyGirl empire and shove it up your well-toned ass.

The Miss Thangs arrive and conversation moves on to Kim. Lisa is still upset that Kim has been telling everyone she is a crackwhore but would still like to have a sit-down with her. However, she can’t guarantee she won’t try to rip off her wig in the process. Sorry Lisa, Sheree beat you to it! You can rip off her merkin instead.

After lunch the ladies head to Inglewood for a visit with Lisa’s parents. Ever tactful, NeNe marvels out loud about how small and different the elderly couple look. After introductions, they have a very deep and serious chat about the complexities of being an interracial couple in predominantly black Inglewood that feels really out of place in this campy and ridiculous program.

Back in the ATL, Sheree is holding model castings for her upcoming fashion show. She says she’s looking for Kate Moss/ Naomi Campbell types. In Atlanta. With her budget. Good luck.

The event coordinator serves up a big pile of modelfail. Don’t get me wrong, Sheree is a diva monster, but even I can agree that these models are HORRIBLE. One girl even elicits an audible “aw hell no” from Ms. Whitfield. Needless to say, the ball is dropped, and Sheree demands that things turn up in the future.

Over in LA, it’s party time! Lisa and NeNe roll up to granmama’s retirement home for the birthday party. NeNe is shocked at the number of Asians at the party. Apparently, she didn't realize that when someone is half Asian that means that half of their family is Asian. NeNe very appropriately and politically correctly asks Lisa if she can speak “that language.”

Next, it’s time to meet Granmama! She’s barely lucid but has fabulous skin, which Lisa attributes to smearing Vaseline on her face daily. Here I thought that was just for hood chicks who were about to beat a bitch’s ass, but it’s also for tiny Chinese grandmothers who want to turn back the clock. Learning!

As the party draws to a close, NeNe pulls Lisa aside and breaks the news to her that she won’t be going to Meho’s grave. She just doesn’t feel comfortable, which is understandable since she’d never met the guy.

Across the nation, Kim and Kandi get lunch at a Claim Jumper knockoff called “Stony River.” Kandi orders something non-alcoholic and Kim orders a bottle of wine to her dome. The waiter begins to pour a taste for Kim but she yells that she doesn’t want any of that fancy shit and tells him to just pour pour pour pour pour. What a class act.

Kim proceeds to get hammered. After chucking a copy of “Don’t be Tardy For the Party” at Kandi’s head, Kim starts slurrily talking shit about the other ladies while Kandi mainly stays quiet and makes uncomfortable faces. When the topic moves to Lisa, Kim does another muppetesque full-body eye roll and mumbles about three dollar bills before vomiting all over the table and passing out in her steak’n’shrimp.

It’s serious time in Los Angeles as Lisa and her relatives visit Meho’s grave, which is sad. Everyone talks at the grave at once, saying how they miss him and there’s nobody who will replace him. Things start to get weird when Lisa’s brother Andre pulls out a flask and pours it over the grave rap video style. Lisa is less than pleased.

After the day’s emotional events, Lisa and NeNe decompress on the rooftop of their hotel. They agree that coming from rags to riches is great, but assure each other that they’re still real. Unlike Kim, who is a tickety tack trailer park mess.

Then, just as you thought the episode was drawing to a close, Clippers the Gay Leprechaun arrives on the scene, and everybody shrieks at each other. The three scream back and forth and make jokes about him fucking Lisa’s husband. He tells her that he has something she doesn’t have. In case we didn’t get his joke, he hammers the punch line into our heads, saying that sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don’t. The three release their banshee wails at eachother while we all collectively barf all over ourselves.

Coming up next week is NeNe’s alter ego photoshoot. This means we have lots of pictures of the ladies in whore clothes and Kim in blackface to look forward to. I for one cannot wait.


He Loves and Hates Everything said...

HOLY c*ntmuffin, this was hilarious! Highlights: Clippers the Gay Leprechaun, Friendgina, controlling the weather.

I'm actually using "Friendgina" in several sentences today. It's happening!

David J.D. said...

Very fucking funny sir. Well done.

By the way, there used to be a Pasta Gina in Downtown LA and there's currently a Gina's Taco on Brand in Glendale.

Just sayin'.