Sunday, February 7, 2010

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Everyone hates Vicki.

Welcome back to burnt-orange Orange County, where the sun, like the breasts of our protagonists, never sets.

This week we saw Tamra make an ill fitted tattoo decision and a disastrous dinner party at Lynne's, among other things. Let's begin, shall we?

As mentioned, we begin this week's episode with Tamra, who decides that the best way to save her rapidly imploding relationship is to have Simon's name tattooed forever on her ring finger. Which, obvs didn't work, since they be divorcin' and shit, but whatever. It was worth a shot? So, she rolls up to the tattooery with her sleazy son and goes through with this horrible decision.

Next, it's on to Lynne, who is terrifyingly operating her cell phone while driving her automobile. Seriously, you know she ran over at least 30 people. What would Oprah think? Anyway, the purpose of said call is to apologize to Alexis for getting all slops-n-slurs at her dinner party, and also to invite her to her housewarming party that she'll be having. She promises no drama, and just fun times and good wine, so Alexis obviously agrees.

After Lynne runs over her third toddler on a tricycle, we move across town to Gretchen, who is heading to Miss Piggy Enterprises to get advice on finances and business. You see, Vicki is a successful insurance saleswoman, so she obviously will have a lot of tips for Gretchen's vanity makeup business. Gretch goes over to "pick at her brain" about money matters, and Vicki is mostly polite, but does make a few digs about Gretchen getting money from Jeff and Slade not having a job and all. Which is maybe a little mean, but also definitely a lot true.

While that's happening, Titty Titty Bang Bang and Slimer with a goatee zoom off to Palm Desert for a romantic weekend getaway. En route, Slimer chastises his wife for only bringing ONE bikini for the whole trip, since OBVIOUSLY they'd be laying out both days, not just ONE DAY. Why one needs a different bathing suit for each day is beyond me, but he eventually tells her he'll just buy her a second one, causing her to squeal in delight. Ugh.

The two arrive at the Marriott in Palm Desert, where they intially met. Awwwwww. Except not at all, since the place looks very 1989, and they met when he picked her up by the pool, probably by telling her that he liked her rack.

The two check into their "Presidential Suite," which looks an awful lot like the Golden Girls set, and then head downstairs to dinner at the hotel restaurant, "Tuscany's" (ASIDE: I HATE when places do this, make a noun nonsensically posessive. Like when people go "Hey, I'm gonna order from Pizza Hut's, you want anything?" Yes, I want you to not turn Pizza Hut into a person. That's what I want. God!). At the restaurant, Slimer tells T.T.B.B. what type of wine she will like and what she won't. Romantic.

After dinner, she says that they're going to head up to the room to watch a movie, and do "what comes with a movie." I'm not sure what she means by this, but I'll bet it rhymes with "bitty ducking."

After a whatever scene of Gretchen picking out ugly shit to adorn her makeup showbooth with, we move to Tamra as she embarks on a real gritty Harley hog ride up the coast. And by gritty Harley hog ride up the coast I mean she and Simon ride 5 miles with some of their old friends to some weird beach bar named Mutt Lynch's. EXTREME!

Once they arrive at the bar, they all order neon green shots and disingenuously declare their love for one another. After the shots are squarely down their gullets, Tamra decides to show her finger surprise to Simon. Not that finger surprise! I'm talking about the tattoo! Pervert...

Anyway, she does so by weirdly stuttering about how she doesn't like secrets, and isn't sure how to tell him this, until things build up so much that he thinks she is cheating on him. Right before he is about to kill her, she says "OMG I GOT A TATTOO! AHLUVYU" He looks a little blindsided at first, but ultimately appreciates it, and says "This means we're gonna be together forever!" Except no, no it doesn't.

Once that happens, we move on to what will take up the last half of this episode: Lynne's housewarming party. We arrive as she is pouring "Bitch" wine intp milk bottles. Yes, the wine is called "Bitch" (True Story: at Gelson's I saw this wine on the shelf right next to a wine called "Sassy Sisters." Girls night!).

The first guests to arrive are Tamra and Simon. Almost immediately upon arriving, Lynne forces them to do shots and then do squats up against the wall. Ahhh, the ol' shot-n-squat, a classic. Lynne then takes a freshly baked cake out of the oven and places it promptly under glass, so it gets nice and steamy (seriously, did anyone else see this?! Who puts a freshly baked cake under glass?!), and then they head outside to the bar, where everyone proceeds to get drunk and talk about how great they all are and how they're all such good people. Very freshman year college party bonding-ish.

Soon the rest of the guests arrive, one after the other, and the party begins. Lynne shows Gretchen the 'Bitch" wine, not-so-subtly insinuating that Gretchen is also a bitch, and Vicki has a weird fake conversation with Slimer where she both winks at him and gives him a thumbs up.

Since she is three sheets to the wind by this point, Tamra starts getting real Slurry Cruise and tells Vicki that she HAS TO TAKE THE BOOTY CLASS WITH HER AND LYNNE! Vicki protests that she has to work, and can't take 3 hours in the middle of the day to work out. Tamra retorts through clenched teeth "Put. Work Aside. And Come. Work. Out. And then. We'll have. Lunch." Alas, while she makes a good point, Vicki stands her ground. Seriously, no wonder these ladies are bankrupt. Get a job!

Tamra then tries to force Vicki and Simon to make up, but that of course blows up in her face since they're like cats in a bag. Simon gets all "Stay outta my marriage!" and then Vicki gets all "Then don't bring me in your marriage!" and they yell and yell.

Eventually, Simon calls Vicki a bitch and storms out of the party. Well, actually he just goes to the porch and pouts like a baby. Tamra eventually comes outside and they both cryyyy and he talks about how much he hates Vicki.

Eventually, Princess Bee-in-Her-Bonnet comes back inside and rejoins the party just in time for Lynne to slur "Dinersssss reddi!" They all sit down, and of course, Vicki and Simon wind up sitting next to each other. Dramaaaa!

Over greasy looking sliders and salad (classy!), they swap "how we met" stories. Lynne and Frank met in a yogurt parlor when Frank checked out Lynne's baby-oiled legs through the window (very 1987), Tamra and Simon met when she saw him doing an "all male tush push" (I really hope it looked like this, Swedes and all) at some sleazy cowboy bar in Anaheim.

Slimetits met, as mentioned earlier, at the pool of the sleazy Marriott. She goes on and on about the mundane details of their encounter, describing how Slimer was "tanned, shaved, and just ripped." Shudder. Vicki is none to pleased by this drawn out snoozefest, so she and Don mime falling asleep at the table, which while maybe a little rude, is not THAT bad. Alexis totally overreacts and gets real mad.

Once this happens, it's like a switch is flipped, and things start to deteriorate fast. Someone brings up the Florida incident, and Don says he wasn't invited, and then says that he has to work because he "has a job." This causes EVERYONE to fly off the rails and start hooting like a bunch of monkeys, because how dare he say the true fact that none of them actually have a job. Seriously! They don't! Selling tequila out of the back of your truck, owning a pawn shop, selling makeup, and "raising kids" when you have 3 nannies are not, in fact, real jobs.

This is the last straw, and Vicki and Don leave in a huff. Almost immediately upon their leaving, everyone bitches about how mean Vicki is, and Vicki cries in the car about how mean everyone is, while Don is all "oh whatever, who gives a rat's ass." Love him.

And that's that! Oh wait, except the next day Lynne's older but still terrible daughter is served with an eviction notice at their house. So much for a housewarming!

So yeah, everyone hates Vicki, but yet they all appear to be going to San Francisco together next week. Also, Lynne and Frank fight about the eviction, and Brianna may have cancerous nodules. Oh no!

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