Oh my god guys, this week’s episode was a bird-feces-filled explosion of an episode. Seriously, there was so much humiliation and sass and Lynne meltdowns! It was great!
We begin with Gretchen, who is celebrating Jeff’s memory by strapping on some chaps, tying down her hair, and riding her big red hog off into the OC sunset. This would be kind of poignant, if she didn’t pepper the whole thing with interviews about how jealous all the other ladies must be of her, and how they can all “suck it.” Oh well.
After a brief interlude of the Barney clan in happier times, we move on to Lynne’s pretty-terrible-but-not-most-terrible daughter, Alexa, who is hanging out at some double-chinned friend’s house talking mad ish on her mom. Alexa is like, so pissed at her mom for telling her what to do, and like, is totally effing mad that her lame mom is forcing her to go shopping. She also refers to Lynne as "the devil."
Lynne calls up her demon spawn and slurs that she is outside waiting for her, so Alexa emerges from her zoftig friend’s house, and she and her mother zoom off to South Coast Plaza. Almost immediately, the two have get into it, with Alexa accusing Lynne of being, among other things, a bitch who is only concerned with her “career” and just wants her to be a “commercial for her cuffs.” (which, by the way, selling a few shitty cuffs here and there to ladies at your gym does not a businesswoman make). She then throws one of Lynne’s cuffs across the table, which causes Lynne to fly into a rage and be all “oh yeah, real nice Alexa, real nice” while lovingly stroking her abused silver cuff. Anyway, the fight continues, and Alexa eventually furiously storms off.
Meanwhile, Alexis, Queen of the Shake Weight, is busy boiling eggs, because the only food allowed in her clowntits bouncyhouse are breast-shaped things. Her pile of shit husband lumbers into the kitchen, clad in all white, all ready for the big sexual egg-eating ceremony about to take place. However, before they begin, Alexis asks him if she can have a big fun ladies cooking party. Knowing that he won’t get to start the Christ sex egg ceremony until he answers, he reluctantly says yes.
Back at the Barneys, Tamra and Simon are busy clearing all the stuff out of their garage so they can commence with the fire sale of their home. Her kids look on, teary eyed, as she throws all of their childhood toys into the dumpster, a sole blue monkey left on the pavement being the only remainder of their destroyed childhoods. They also find a big ol’ Mortal Kombat knife that turns out to be Ryan’s (of course it does).
That night, Vicki and Donn go out to a fancy dinner on the beach, AGAIN. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that they’re so lovey dovey again, but these people have date night like ALL THE TIME. Anyway, as the waitress reads Vicki and Donn the specials, a bird takes a dump on her head, causing Vicki to fly into a wild gigglefest, talking about the bird’s “diarrhea” dripping into the server’s ear. Gross. The waitress is a sport, and continues taking their order, despite being drenched from head to toe in bird feces like an extra gross episode of "You Can’t Do That on Television."
Anyway, after the server goes to hose herself down, Donn surprises Vicki with a fancy diamond-encrusted ring so they can both show off their blingy fings. It’s kinda cute how touched Vicki is by this, and the two share a genuine moment, which Vicki again ruins by mentioning that the diamonds are “at least 8 karats” and “princess cut.” But whatever, they’re cuuuuuuuute.
Meanwhile, Gretchen has her makeup artist friend over, broad by the name’a Ron Ann, to talk about the make up line she wants to create. See, Gretchen has fallen on hard times, what with Jeff being dead and all, so she needs to find a way to rustle up some cash. What way to make money than by making your own vanity business selling shitty cosmetics. Seriously, that’s all these ladies do. Can’t one of them get an actual job, for petes sake?! This line will fail, just like Lynne's cuffs, Ramona's skincare line, and Lauri's daughter's moisturizers.
Across town, Lynne is desperate for answers on how to tame her wild and crazy kids, so she heads over to her mother’s house. Granny Lynne, who looks equally pulled and poked, offers Lynne a cup of lemonade and compliments her on her “top.” I love that word for shirts, “top.” It’s something that only old ladies and sleazy movie producers who force women to sleep with them for roles say. The two have a barely lucid conversation about how teens need discipline, and Lynne feels oddly more comforted, even though absolutely nothing was resolved.
The next day, it’s time for Titty Titterberg’s Titalicious Cookoff! The ladies show up one by one, except for Vicki, who is working again. She says that some people have to work during the day, and can’t go to cooking parties in the middle of the day all the time. Hrmmph!
Unrelated, after hearing something strange, Tamra says “housewife say what?” UGH! Stop trying to make that a thing! It’s never going to happen! You will not make a catchphrase!
Sorry, that was a tangent. Anyway, the ladies start cooking, and Lynne throws back glass after glass of champagne, quickly getting plastered like "The Girls Next Doors’" genitalia in that one episode where they make chocolate casts of their cooters for Hef. She goes on to make inappropriate jokes about how she keeps her chotch tight through kegel exercises and her husband being hung like a horse. Gross.
After they wrap some fish and vegetables in a paper bag and throw ‘em in the oven, the ladies sit down to begin their fancymeal. Alexis Titterberg asks Gretchen and Tamra out of the blue if they’re “good now,” and the two awkwardly say yes, cuz what else are they gonna say?
However, the real dramz starts when Gretchen asks Lynne how her kids are. She starts rattling off her usual “Ya know, Alexa, shesss jus’ goin’ through a rrrrreal tuffpatch,” until Gretchen starts laying in about how she should be more hands on. Then Lynne, who is like 2 bottles in at this point, goes off the rails and starts crying and screaming “bullshit” and “whothefuckeryou,” flying further and further into the stratosphere. The ladies eventually calm her down a little bit, and then she starts sobbing about how hard it is raising kids in Orange County, and how she wishes she could turn back the clock to when her kids were watching Barney and all innocent and sweet and not swilling booze.
She ends by warning the ladies, “Be afraid, cuz it’s scary as shit. It’s horrible,” assumedly re: teen raising. This part kinda made me sad. Or at least, a little.
And that’s where we’re cruelly left this week! 40 minutes of whatever followed by a Lynnesplosion. Looks like next week homegirl gets evicted. AMAZE!