Sunday, January 24, 2010

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Nobody is hitting on her husband!

Boundaries. That was the name of the game this week on the Real Housewives. Marital boundaries, child-parent boundaries, workplace boundaries: all were crossed. It was like a Joe Eszterhas movie.

We began this week's episode with Alexis and her jiggly jello bags, who meet with Tamra to "play tennis" as a getaway from the "screaming babies" of their lives (that obviously weren't being kept under wraps by the 5000 nannies in their employ). After lazily lobbing balls back and forth for a few minutes, the two ladies give up and find a park bench (which is "very New York Central Park" according to Tamra) to gossip. Tamra relays the whole dramz between her and Gretchen to Alexis, who is just all "Whaaa?! Noooo?! I'm in shockkkk! Srsly!" as if she didn't know the whole story already, and there hadn't been an entire season revolving around it on national television.

Speaking of Gretchen, next we head to her humble abode as she prepares for her Stepford Wives-themed Tupperware. After the buckets of margaritas have been mixed and the punchbowls have been filled with salsa, the guests begin to arrive. Lynne and Frank show up first, in an admirable attempt to bury the hatchet over their fight from last week. Alexis and her disgusting monster pile husband show up next. The rest of die Reale Hausfrauen von Orange County will not be showing up, however, as Vicki has to "work," natches, and Tamra has to sit at home and frenziedly google "Gretchen Rossi slut liar" while screaming "STOP GETTING ME INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE!"

After the rest of the screeching boozehounds arrive, Gretchen calls down her personal Tupperware salesperson, who in this case happens to be the fabulous Latina drag queen Kay Sedia (get it?! Quesadilla!). Being in the presence of a gay dude in a dress totally makes all the OC husbands uncomfortable, and they scatter like roaches to the periphery of the house. The ladies, however, LOVE it. Like, seriously, they are enthralled by Ms. Sedia. You'd think they'd never seen a drag queen selling Tupperware before. Anyway, once she finishes her hard-sell of her wares, Madame Sedia packs up her magic Volkswagen Beetle and zooms off into the dark OC night, on to the next group of drunk housewives in need of food preservation.

After all the drag queen glitter dust has settled, we come to the first boundary crossing of the night: SOMEBODY (kindasortanotreally) HITS ON ALEXIS'S HUSSSSSSBAND!!! See, apparently some lady with a Victoria Beckham/Kate hybrid was getting a little too close to that meltybeast monster, so Alexis got all up in her face being like "He's MARRIED." using that condescending bitchgirl voice that I think we're all familiar with from our high school years. The alleged interloper is all like "bitch you crazy," and the ladies are officially in a fight.

They go back and forth, repeating the same three words at each other until Jim takes Alexis outside and threatens to put her back in her cage for a whole week if she doesn't calm down. She relents, and the two of them head home. After they leave, everyone recaps what just happened, and one girl awesomely says "Can I just say, he is not attractive! Nobody is hitting on her husband!" Loved her. Want to shake her hand.

Once all the Tupperware has been bought and all the boozes have been drunk, we leave for the sandy shores of Newport Beach, where Lynne's daughters Alexa and Raquel are sunning themselves like lizards on the sand. Alexa whines in her terrible OC lilt that nobody pays attention to her, and Raquel totally doesnt liiiike heeeer anymore. She says that the two of them should move to LA, and that Raquel should adopt her ("My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!"). Raquel is all "whateverrrrrr." Seriously, that's the level of discourse.

Later, Lynne gives Alexa a call to tell her that she needs to stay home tonight. Alexa is all "k whatever LOL" but then SHE STILL GOES OUT! Earthshattering! When Lynne and Frank come home to an Alexa-less house, they freak out. Ok, they mainly just act confused and overwhelmed, but you know what I mean. They call Alexa, who is all "Well, I'm gone already, so suck it. Kthxbai." and then hangs up on them. Lynne asks "where did we go wrong." Um, I think y'all went wrong at the moment of conception, sars.

The next day, we pay a visit to Vicki's fancy, honest to goodness, totally not rented just for the cameras, brick and mortar insurance office, where she gathers all 5 of her staff to reward them for being such good employees. How does she reward them you ask? By giving everybody BOTOX AND SPRAY TAAAAAANS! Yes, she is rewarding her employees by giving them medical cosmetic procedures. In the office. Ridick. The employees are all super stoked on this though, especially the two gays who work for her, one of whom is thrilled to get botox to eliminate his crows feet (dude's seriously like, 27). Once all the insurance salespeople have been sprayed and spackled, Vicki strips down to her underoos and gets spray-painted, screaming out a signature "WOOHOO!" all the while.

Meanwhile, back at Sadfamily Springs, Lynne and Frank are still fretting on the couch, waiting for Alexa to return home, dressing their dog up in dresses in the interim. Lynne gets a text message, which she has read aloud through some weird Speak n Spell device, presumably because she can't read, saying that Alexa will be home around 11:00. Well, 11:00 comes and goes, and still no Alexa, despite Lynne hallucinating that she hears her outside several tines. Eventually, the teen terror does come home, and basically just tells her parents that they are ridiculous and should leave her alone. Lynne and Frank are both just like "aww, hey now, that's harsh, YAWN, ok, time to go to bed. Love ya hun. Sheluvsus, right?" ::FACEPALM::

Later, Gretch-n-Slade and Tits-n-Douche head to a fancy day at the races to clear the air from the awkward fight at the Tupperware party. They get gussied up and wear big stupid hats, looking all fancy and well to do, but mainly just use the event as an excuse to talk shit about Tamra. Alexis says that she understands both sides of the argument, and her husband weirdly starts yelling at her and telling her that she doesn't know what she's talking about and she should shut up. Dude needs to calm down. That's basically all that happens at the races. Classy, right?

After that brief interlude, it's back to the Curtin household, where, in order to get through to Alexa, Lynne has asked Teen Whisperer Vanessa Van Petten back to parent her children for her, but alas, Alexa is a no-show for the powwow. To assert her dominance as parent, Lynne calls Alexa, and then puts Vanessa on the phone to tell her she needs to come home. Parentingfail. But, it works, and Alexa shuffles on home. She interviews that she's never had any boundaries with her parents, which made me immediately picture her seducing both of her parents like some sort of fucked up Lifetime movie. What?! It's funny!

Anyway, once Alexa enters the house, Lynne approaches her and is all "What....Where.....What....Why....You..." like a broken robot. At first, Alexa seems very "oh whatever" about the whole situation, but eventually breaks down and starts sobbing about how nobody understands her, and storms out of the house, while the rest of the family is left feeling flustered, shiny, and confused. To be continued?

And that was this week! Next week, it looks like there's a big fight between Gretchen and Lynne, and it looks gooooooood. Can't effing wait.

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