Bzzzzzzz! That's the sound of Alexis's mother's face being violently sawed off with an electric turkey carver. Other stuff happened this week too! Let's begin.
First up, there's Vicki who, according to the description of this episode on my DVR, came back to Orange County to "lick her wounds" after the fight in San Francisco, like some sort of orange wildcat. How did she lick her wound? By seeking comfort with her neglected, tossed-aside former friend Jeana and a pitcher of margaritas (natchs). Now that all the ladies are being mean to her and stuff, Vickles McPickles has realized that Jeana wasn't that bad of a friend after all. Or, now that nobody wants to be around her, she'll begrudgingly go back to smelly old Jeana. Take your pick.
Jeana interviews that she thinks Vicki is kind of getting what she deserves, since Vicki didn't have Jeana's back during her time of need, and now Tamra is doing the same to Vicki. Karma! Also, is it just me or does Jeana seem pillier and pillier each time she appears? She's gotta be taking something. But yeah, poor Vicki.
While Vicki is crying alone in the dark in her McMansion, Alexis gloats by flying her mother out from Colorado for a celebratory re-facing. Ms. Titty McGee, Sr. arrives, and boy does she look different from her daughter! Where Alexis is all plumped up and covered in makeup, her mother is very plain and simple. How did such a terribly pornstar-faced woman slither out of such a plain modest womb? Mysteries of life!
So anyway, Alexis says her mom is coming out for an eyebrow lift, but the poor woman ultimately gets roped into basically having her entire face replaced. One gets the feeling during her doctor's consultation that this isn't exactly what she signed up for... but she goes through with it! Yay?
Before that though, we are treated to an awkward lunch between mother and daughter where Alexis mostly condescends about how simple and plain her mother is, and how fancy and refined she is now that she lives in California. Seriously, it's like she thinks because she moved out here and had two sandbags bolted to her front she's somehow classier or more fancy than the rest of the country. Dude, people move to California every day. Doesn't make anyone special.
One exchange between mother and daughter I particularly liked was when momma clowntits was like "Ahh shore do like that dern bubble waters you done gave me! Drink it every day! WOOO HAW!" and then Alexis is all, in condescending baby talk voice, "I know, isn't it good. It's called Pellegrino." As if it were some sort of very exclusive fancy drink, and not something that comes in a plastic bottle you can buy at 7/11.
So anyway, her face is hitched up to a horse and buggy and ripped off, and we move on to Lynne! Yes, Lynne and her fried lump of a husband are still on the fritz from the Great De-housing of 2009. She has Tamra over to her mother's house, where she and the girls are staying, to talk about things. Lynne is all "Ahhhhhjusdunno if I cannnnnfergiveim" and Tamra is like "Aw, keep it together. You love him" and Lynne's like "Ahhhhdunnooo, ahjussssssdunno." Seeing Lynne angry and indignant is really weird. Well, actually, seeing her do anything real is kind of weird, since it's emotion filtered through Lynne's Gak-consistencied brain. So it's always like, "Oh, this is how Lynne does joy" or "Oh, so this is Lynne's take on righteous indignation! Interesting."
But I digress. Moving on. Possibly based on Tamra's "advice," Lynne agrees to have dinner with her husband, and while she does her best to keep her face set on "stern," she ultimately cracks a smile and forgives the old lug. How sweet?
What else happened with that plotline...oh yes! Lynne's demonspawn meet and talk about how like, totally unfair this whole thing is, and like, WTF? Let's like, totaly move to LA. Like PEACE. OUT. OC.
Seriously, that's basically what they said. Terrible.
Another terrible thing was Gretchen's big cosmetic debut at the dubious "Women's Expo." Gretchen paid a bunch of money for a big fancy booth to sell her wares, and then it turned out that like 4 people (including a lady in running gear?) wound up coming to the event. So, there goes thousands of dollars down the drain. I see "Gretchen Christine Beautee" going the way of Rodeo from Rock of Love's barbecue sauce line. If there's two things people should know by now about being on reality TV is that you will not launch your singing career and you will not launch a product line from being on this show. Sigh...nobody ever learns!
Lastly, Tamra had a birfday! Homegirl turned 42 and she's "proud of it." Right. So, the first of her 2 birthday celebrations was getting day drunk with her "ho's and 'mo's." It was mainly hos though, with only 2 'mos, but whatever. They all get sloppy and start hooting and screeching and wondering why Vicki isn't there to have fun with them too! Since it was 11 on a Tuesday, Vicki had to work, so she sent her gay assistant to deliver a present to Tamra, which is kind of a shitty thing to do. I mean, I get she has to work so she can't get sloppy in the middle of the day, but she could have at least delivered the present herself. But whatevs. The lunch ends, and they all swerve and crash their SUV's all the way home.
For birthday celebration number 2, Simon takes Tamra out to a fancy Italian restaurant. Things start out well enough, but ultimately the two start fighting and saying passive aggressively mean things to each other. Well, mainly Simon is just a dick. When Tamra tries to get a little romantic since it's, you know, her birthday, Simon tells her that all of his friends think she's trashy. Happy Birthday! Seriously, what a dick.
Annnnnnnnd yeah, I think that was all, right? Next week there's some sort of weird weddingish thing that takes place, and Tamra and Simon have a huge blowout fight where she demands a divorce. Yeees! Things are happening!