Friday, September 12, 2008

Sonic Blumpkin



Well known is my love of girl pop. I appreciate my Kylies, Robyns, Danity Kanes, and even the occasional Britneys, so naturally I was intrigued by newcomer Lady GaGa. I had seen pictures of her in her weird outfits, and her first single "Just Dance" is an infecitously enjoyable vapid dance track that is fun to listen to in my car. So, I was actually pretty excited for her first full length album The Fame, even if only so I could have entertaining backgroung music to drive to. Lets just say that my excitement was a tad unwarranted, as the title of this post suggests.

The album starts out well enough, opening with "Just Dance." Dumb, tiptoeing the line of retarded, lyrics aside, the song is catchy and enjoyable to listen to in a guily pleasure sort of way. The following song, "Lovegame," is also catchy enough, with GaGa taking rides on some dude's "disco stick" and getting her ass squeezed by "sexy cupid."

However, once track three arrives, the album begins its tailspin into the fiery pits of hell, with such earbleeders as "Papparazzi" and "Beautiful Dirty Rich" (really? something tells me its a little too early to be singing about all the money you have, Gaggy. Though its not inconceivable that shes some Ali Hilfiger-esque trust fund bohemian). However, these tracks are mere appetizers to the full service shit buffet that is track 5, maddeningly titled "Eh, Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)." Then don't say anything, bitch! Who makes grunt noises the title of a song, anway?! This song sounds like what would happen if you melted Ashlee Simpson's "L-O-V-E," Ace of Base's "The Sign," and Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind" together, vomited in it, and then reconstituted it into a new song. Seriously, its unlistenable. Track 6, which is the second single, "Poker Face," fares no better, sounding like the b-side of a b-side of a b-side of an Ace of Base single.

The rest of the album is similarly godawful, though I will say that the song "Brown Eyes" makes me giggle, but only because I have the sense of humor of a 10 year old. Seriously though! She sings about looking into a guys' brown eyes! She said brown eye! Ha! Its hilarious! And no, its not about assholes, my humor is just very base.

My biggest problem with Lady Gaga is not even her shitty music, but her shitty music in relation to her public persona. By the way she dresses and how she carries herself on stage (ignoring how obnoxious you think it is), you would at least think that her music would be somewhat weird or different. But no, instead, she pumps out the type of crap you would expect from say, the solo album of a non-Nicole Scherzinger Pussycat Doll. Lady Gaga appropriates the avant-garde in her image to trick people into thinking that her music is somehow intelligent or different from the average pop singer. She even went so far as to say (in robospeak, natch), "pop music will never be low brow" in the intro to her SYTYCD performance. Sars GaGa, but slapping an eighties power suit and giant sunglasses on Britney reject tracks does not a highbrow pop song make.

Anyway, in conclusion, if you were thinking of getting this album because you casually liked "Just Dance," don't. Instead either download the single, don't download anything at all, or stab yourself in the ears repeatedly with a coathanger. All three are better alternatives.

UPDATE: Per Jon's suggestion, I made the ad below to help her record label launch a new campaign.

2 comments:

Jon said...

I, too, enjoyed the two-week shelf life of "Just Dance." But I think you hit the nail on the head with this (hilarious!) review. I envision a poster, ironically promoting the album a la Gossip Girl's season two campaign with this quote, "Full-service shit buffet! -Worstquality.com"

Also, I will now be incorporating the concept of an ear abortion into my lexicon when describing things or people I don't like to hear. Brillz!

Noah said...

Ooooh, I sense a photoshop creation in the forseeable future.