For the past 3 months I have been getting spam from something called "Plow & Hearth," which I assumed was some kind of weird cult and/or Amish fetish porn site. However, today I finally clicked on the link and discovered that it is in fact a treasure trove of useless shit for the home and garden! So come with me, if you will, on an adventure through the mystery, wonder, and horror of the Plow & Hearth catalog...
From a young age I have been obsessed with lawn decor like elves, gnomes, flamingos, and jockeys (jaykay, I'm not a racist), so naturally the first area I clicked on was the "Garden Statuary" section. Of course, they have the classics like various gnomes and Jesae, which were to be expected. However, they also had some items which were a little...disquieting. Take these little guys, which can be yours for just $74.95::
Unnvervingly titled "Blackbirds Revenge," the short description says "Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie? Not this time!" Basically, this piece is the artists interpretation of what would happin if the family of the blackbirds from that nursery rhyme come back to enact some country justice on you for baking four and twenty of their closest relatives. It's described as a "thoughtful" gift, which I guess is true. If the thought you are trying to inspire is terror.
Even more creepy than "Blackbirds' Revenge" however is P&H's line of "forest faces," which are resin faces that you can attach to trees, I guess to scare the shit out of your neighbors/people wandering in your back yard.
Why would anyone want to put a fucking face on a tree?! Especially the ones above, which look like they are in the middle of catcalling you/saying how good your tits look in that blouse. Theres something way too Evil Dead-y about this...
However, what by far wins the prize for "Creepiest Thing to Affix to a Tree" are their Halloween Forest Faces, which come in two varieties: Warwick Davis:
and face-eating demon cat:
Ok, I get that these are for Halloween, and are thus supposed to be scary. But these are like, pants-shittingly so. I mean, you do want people to actually come see your house, and not run screaming in the opposite direction, right? Or maybe thats what you want, you weirdo.
Anyway, there are far too many great items to include all of them in this post. Maybe I'll do a sequel later on. But, suffice it to say, if you are bored and in the mood to be visually stunned and assaulted, the Plow & Hearth catalog is definately worth a visit.