Monday, December 7, 2009

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Wigs baby! Wigs!

And we're back! After Bravo subjected us to a week of no housewives, totally missing the opportunity for a Very Special OC Thanksgiving, the ladies have returned. This week, they deal with serious issues like creepy matchmaking, parent-child miscommunication, prison, and custom made necklaces to be dangled between one's clown tits. Learning!

The curtain rises on Vicki, who is concocting a very complicated scheme to fly out some piggish man-baby named Chris from Indiana in hopes of setting him up with Brianna, acting like some sort of orange-hued gentile Yente. The newly single Brianna (whom Colby left for a 17 year old! Escandalo!), is suprisingly ok with her mom setting her up on a weekend long date with a stranger she has never met.

While that elaborate courting ritual is going on, Gretchen flies out to Michigan to visit Jeff's kids, which is actually pretty touching. The kids seem to genuinely like her, which goes against all the "she's a gold digging prostitution whore" allegations that Tamra is belching out of her piehole. They all have a chat, and the son shows Gretchen the new photo-realistic tattoo of his father he got, placed squarely on his back. That kid had better not turn out to be gay. And if he does, he better be a top, if you know what I mean. Nothing worse than looking down during coitus and seeing some dude's dead father looking back at you. Shudder.

Back in OC, Vicki holds a BBQ to auction off Brianna's maidenhead. I mean, to welcome ChrisPig to the OC. A bunch of randos show up, along with Tamra and her brood. Later, her future-star-of-To-Catch-a-Predator son Ryan shows up to the BBQ. Apparently Tamra hasn't been seeing much of him lately because Simon has banned him from the house for driving Tamra's car without a license while they were in LA. Simon says all he wants is an apology. Over Facebook. Yeah. Facebook. Terrible.

Not that Ryan is that great either, mind you, as we see him later shotgunning beers in the pool with Vicki's impish son and some other random while his 4 year old sister aimlessly floats around nearby. While Simon stands like, 5 feet away, watching and saying nothing. Basically, I mean to say this family is horribly, HORRIBLY depressing. Next scene!

Mercifully, we move on to Alexis, who is stuck at the bottom of her pool, having been dragged there by the two sandbags bolted to her chest she tries to pass off as breasts. Just kidding, she and her creeper husband are going out to a nice dinner. Alexis interviews that she and her husband are "best friends," even though to me it seems like their relationship is more master and servant than friends, but whatever. She says that he has never changed a diaper or helped her with any of the home tasks, but she doesn't mind because "he's my king."

After I finish vomiting and unpause the DVR, the two proceed with their meal. Creeper husband lights a cigar and tucks into a gigantic pile of cocktail shrimp while belittling Alexis and asking her if she worked out today. He goes on to give her a big stupid diamond necklace to dangle in her cleavange and she fawns like a child. She interviews that she is living the fantasy life she dreamed about as a little girl. Really? You dreamed that you'd be starving yourself and maintaining a breakneck workout schedule so you could play house with some Larry the Cable Guy lookalike? Congrats.

Over at Lynne's new modernist Laguna Beach cube, she, her world-weary husband, and two demon spawn have a sit down to talk about their issues. Apparently, the two teens have been "lashing out," so Lynne has called in "Youthologist" Vanessa Van Petten to set the girls straight. Lynne assures the skeptical girls that Vanessa is "cool" and "with it," sounding like Amy Poehler's Cool Mom from Mean Girls.

It appears Vanessa wrote some stupid book about parenting like a child, which somehow makes her qualified to counsel families. She has a sit down with each of the girls as well as the parents, and in the end they come to a "breakthrough" that basically boils down to them needing to talk more and not be beer ho's. Did you feel the earth move? We also learn that Lynne used to do hash brownies, which I would have LOVED to have seen

After a sad scene where Gretchen visits Jeff's gravesite with his kids, we go back to Vicki, who is taking everyone out to dinner to bid farewell to Christopher McPigglesworth as he heads home to far-off Indiana. He politely interviews that he had a good time, and Brianna interviews that the whole thing was terribly awkward and she hated it and she'd never do it again. So that went well.

And now it's time for the final, and perhaps most bizarre segment in RHOC history. In order to blow off some steam and cut loose, Tamra decides to have a bunch of ladies over to play some "Wigged-out Housewife Bunko," in which a bunch of beef jerky people come over, inexplicably wearing wigs, to play some sort of elaborate thinly-veiled excuse to do tequila shots. They should have just played a game of King's, it would have been way faster. Blasts from the past Tammy and Meltybeast Quinn show up as well, which was fun.

Once the game is explained, the ladies proceed to throw dice and scream like monkeys until one of them rolls the right number, after which they take a shot. Alexis gets super competitive and weird, and Tammy gets really slurry and calls Tamra "a bitch, but a fun bitch. Ahluvver." Soon the game ends, and the ladies all presumably drunk-drive home, careening off into the OC night, running into mansions and manservants alike.

The next day, Tamra meets with Ryan at a Mexican restaurant because he's got something imporant to tell her. After some small talk about his foot (which he broke jumping off a tour bus while drunk), and after he orders a Patron shot and a Corona (stay classy!), Ryan tells his mom that he'll be going to jail. See, apparently he was supposed to do community service for his driving offense, but he decided to change it to jail time, since he is a lazy nogoodnik. He's totally all "Whatever, it's just prison. NBD." Tamra gives a painful interview about how much guilt she has, and how she would love to see Ryan succeed at something, and it's obvious that she's keenly aware of the horrible job she did raising him. Sad.

And with that downer of an ending, this week's chapter comes to a close. They seem to be really upping the crazy with his episode, so let's hope it sticks. Next week it appears Tamra and Gretchen have a no doubt heavily-edited smackdown. Could be fun?

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