Sunday, November 22, 2009

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: In which the ladies send Jeana off on an iceberg to the great frigid beyond.

This week's RHOC was an especially challenging one, as we had to say goodbye to that great, puffy, pilly housewife who has captured all of our hearts. Yes, Jeana Keough said adieu to all the other vicious OC robo-skanks this week, and I think I speak for all of us when I say she will be sorely missed.

But! Before she headed off to the great whole-bottle wine glass in the sky, we had a whole, gigantic, eventful episode!

We begin with Gretchen and her depressing man-child beau Slade heading off to Scottsdale, Arizona (perhaps one of our nation's worst states) to attend some nebulous party that a "friend" was having. The two check in to a whimiscally titled hotel who's name I forget, though I think it had "Ho" in the title ("Don Ho Inn?" "You Are a Gigantic Ho Suites?" "Broke Down Nasty-ass Skank Ho Bed and Breakfast?" I forget). It was one of those hotels that used to be really gross and then some company bought it and rehabilitated it to make it seem throwbacky and "kitsch," but it still winds up looking just sleazy and gross. 50 years of urine and hooker blood can't be washed away with a fresh coat of paint, everyone.

Anyway! Gretch'n'Slade go down to the pool and have a heart to heart about how in love they are. Slade tells Gretchen that he wants to spend his life with her and he wants to have kids with her, adorably telling her that she makes him want to have his vasectomy reversed and get genetic testing to make sure they're "compatible in that way." Awwwwwwww. I wish someone would get ball surgery and test themselves to make sure our babies aren't genetic freaks for me! And they say romance is dead. Regardless, just looking at Slade's track record with fatherhood, I'd recommend Gretchen stay away from putting his seed anywhere near her eggs.

Back in the OC, Tamra pays a surprise visit to Jeana, explaining in an awful voiceover that she wants to see why Jeana is skipping out on the big La Perla lingerie party she's planning. The two have a few minutes of stilted conversation about Jeana's impending divorce before Jeana tells Tamra that she's just over all the housewives, and all her kids will be home, so she doesn't want to go. Also, I suspect it's because she'd rather not wear panties on camera, but that's just a guess.

Although it's hard to read emotion on Tamra's outrageously over-botoxed face, it appears that she isn't very happy about this. This is confirmed when she interviews that "Jeana is the type of girl who will fart in a room and then walk away and say 'who did that?'" This kind of makes sense, sorta? Maybe? It seems to me if Tamra is trying to seem classier this season, maybe she should start by not using fart metaphors. Just a thought.

Next, it's over to the home of newest addition Alexissss (I add the extra s's because she seems like she'd say her name that way when she's mad. Bitch.). Alexissss interviews that she's a stay at home mom, and since her husband doesn't want her to work, she just chooses to focus on being the best wife and mother she can be. Obviously, she has a lot of work to do, since she has several nannies on staff to take care of her kids, giving her some much needed time to frenziedly work out and pump gallons of saline into her clown tits. Seriously, those things are outrageously big. If you look up "clown tits" in the dictionary, hers will show up as an example.

Anyway, after our introduction to Alexissss Clown Tits, we get to meet her equally awful husband. He interviews that their family is very "traditional" in their values, saying that God comes first, the marriage comes second, and the kids come third. Aren't you supposed to say kids come before marriage? You know, precious gifts, innocent little souls yadda yadda yadda. I guess kids aren't part of the God-Clowntits-Creeper husband threeway. God these people are awful.

After that quick glimpse at what hell looks like, we head over to Vicki's Pig Plantation where she and Jeana have a chat about Jeana's skipping of the La Perla "party." The two both interview about how their friendship has completely deteriorated, and they both basically hate eachother. Jeana says she's tired of "mean girls," and is ready to move on. They go on to have superficial conversation and act like they're still friends, but it's obvious this isn't the case.

Also, did anyone else notice how every single one of these women has a ceramic chicken in their kitchen? Seriously, what's up with that? The only people I knew in high school who had ceramic chickens in their kitchen all had terrible pill-popping boozy moms. I feel like ceramic chickens in a kitchen are some sort of coded symbol for "I'm a horrible superficial bitch." Yes?

Off in the desolate Arizona wastelands, Gretch'n'Slade head off to their friend of friend's pink and white themed party at some bar called Barcelona in the middle of a strip mall. The party is one of those knockoff P. Diddy-style parties that one used to see all the time on shows like this before the whole world ended, but now seem kind of sad and irresponsible. The party also has some "burlesque" dancers that I suspect are actually run of the mill strippers wearing pasties and carrying feather fans. I was clued off when the burlesque ladies started doing a very classy, old-timey ping pong show. Gretchen gets way too drunk and starts working the pole with the strippers. The next day she is hungover, but doesn't seem too embarrassed, so good for her.

The next day, Alexissss Clown Tits and her husband, along with their nanny and kids, go over to Tamra's for a BBQ, Tamra and Simon's hatred for one another has reached a fever pitch, and now they are screaming at each other over basically everything. I would say watching a marriage dissolve in front of my eyes was depressing, but that would be a lie. Pass the popcorn!

Anyway, Alexissss Clown Tits (lets just call her ACT for short) squeezes her ridiculous bosoms into a tiny bikini, and Tamra interviews about how jealous she is of her body. She won't be jealous in 20 years when ACT's back is bowed like a proud Indian's weapon of choice. ACT flashes her gigantic ring to Tamra and her gay, who is also present, and Tamra asks the gay if he's jealous. Of course he is, because you OC terribles took away his right to marry. Assholes.

On to Lynne's house, where she and her family are packing up their rented home and moving on. Lynne says they're leaving because their lease was up and they decided it was a good time to downsize. However, according to the interwebs, Lynne and her family were evicted from their home because of failure to pay. Lynne's husband tells us that he made some poor real estate decisions, and got "creamed." Sad.

After a brief scene of Gretchen and ACT going to spin class, where nothing of note happens except that Gretchen says that stationary bikes hurt your cooter, we move on to the big La Perla partyyyyyyyyy. The store is in the middle of a mall, and seems a little cramped. Maybe it's just the way it photographs, because I know La Perla is expensive and fancy and all, but the store doesn't look very classy to me. Gretchen and Slade arrive first, and after being greeted by scantily clad models and ambiguously-accented store clerks, they head back to the dressing rooms to try on clothes. Lynne brings her daughter, which is a little depressing being as Alexa is only 16. ACT and her creeper husband arrive, but she refuses to actually try on the lingerie. Her husband interviews that it's because putting on panties in front of other men is "not our reality," which sounds like creepy Scientologist-speak to me. Seriously, this guy is really uncomfortably controlling of his wife. Tamra saliently mentions that Alexis didn't have a problem when she wore her tiny bikini for the cameras the other day. Good point. Anyway, point is I HATE THE NEW HOUSEWIFE.

While all that mess is going on, Jeana has her kids over for a BBQ, and it's actually kind of cute. Granted, all three are kind of horrible, but they seem to genuinely like one another, and compared to some of the other OC kids, they have pretty good heads on their shoulders. And Shane is still very gay looking.

Back at La Perla, Porky Romano arrives and upon meeting ACT, proclaims "welcome to my world!" So down to earth, that Vicki. She says she's late because she was "working," doing all kinds of business. She and Lisa Wu Hartwell need to chat, because they both clearly could learn a lot about being businesswomen from planet business from one another.

Another notable thing about the La Perla visit was the really bizarre tiny Asian saleswoman, who tried to sell Simon a thong. Loved her. Besides that, the ladies generally get along at the store, so nothing else too exciting happens.

We return to Jeana's house, where she thoughtfully cleans up her house, tossing bowls in random drawers and throwing trash in different cupboards. After a pregnant pause, Jeana switches off her kitchen lights, and we say goodbye.

For all her craziness and erratic behavior, I actually liked Jeana. She was the only housewife who I'd actually want to hang out with, and who seemed like a decent mother, and now she's gone. The remaining women, with the exception of maybe Gretchen, are all godawful, so I anticipate an even deeper descent into hell from this point on. Anyone else up for the challenge?

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