Sunday, December 13, 2009

Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: God hates girls only trips.

Is it just me, or was this week's journey into the bowels of hell actually kind of enjoyable? I mean, we got to see Lynne get sliced and diced, Gretchen actually making some salient points, and the further disintegration of Tamra's marraige. All in all, pretty good!

We begin as we did last week, with Vicki and her long-suffering daughter Brianna. However, this time, instead of trying to slip Brianna a roofie and getting her pregnant with some loser's seed, Vicki and daughter are out shopping for a ring for Don. The jeweler they go to is kind of awesome, if only because she called Vicki a bitch. Porky Patterson interviews that when they got married, she didn't have the money to buy Don somethin real nice, so she wants to make it up to him now. So, she buys him a gold ring with 3 princess cut diamonds in it. Which, like, is sweet and all, but seems kind of emasculating. Men's jewelry has always struck me as really bizarre because guys have to try and make an inherently feminine thing look all hard and edgy so they don't look gay by flashing off their princess cut diamonds. Anyway, weird. I like to think when Vicki gives Don the new ring, he'll go all Alexis on her and queen out about how awesome it is ("Vicki! This is sick! I love it! It's sick!").

Speaking of that terrible be-titted monster, next up is Alexis, who is busy taking her toddler-aged daughters for thier first mani-pedis. (Aside: I've just noticed one of these little monsters is named Melania, a name Theresa on RHONJ also named one of her daughters. I'm assuming both women named their daughters after Donald Trump's mail order bride, which, if true, is a great example to set for their children.) The kids throw complete tantrums because, you know, babies hate having their hands and toes prodded and painted by strange women. After a noble effort by the poor nail salon employees, Alexis scoops her kids up and tosses them into the back of her stupid car, where off camera she sobs quietly about the chamber of horrors that her life has turned into. Or at least, I imagine she does.

Moving on to Lynne, who is getting a new face bolted over her old one. She's brought over by her broken-souled husband, who is bankrolling this bizarre surgery even though they can't afford it and she doesn't need it. After signing her life away, Lynne is pumped full of drugs and gets real loopy. Loopier even than that one time where she ate a whole tray of weed brownies with her friend Scooter in the 70's and had tea with Jesus. Eventually she passes out, and the doctor proceeds to cut off her face.

While that happens, Lynne's husband returns with daughter Raquel, who also has an appointment to have her face filed down. Instead of a face lift though, Raquel will be getting a new nose. She interviews that a while ago she broke her nose, and it hasn't been the same since, which I call bullshit on. I'm so sick of people saying they are getting nose jobs because of some fake medical reason. No, you are not getting a nose job because of your deviated septum, you are getting one because you want a tiny button nose, Heidi Montag. Similarly, I doubt this dubious broken-nose claim.

Anyway, after the doctor pulls out a chisel and hammer and breaks Raquel's nose (literally, that's what he does), we head over to Vicki's house, where she is furiously typing up "work." Something about the way she does this makes me think that she's just fast typing to look busy. Like, seriously, if you looked at her screen it probably just says "sdjaklxaslkkfjc;kl;fajkln;/j" or something. She takes time out of her very important business work to speak with Tamra about the upcoming Florida trip Vicki is planning. Vicki says that she wants it to be a girls trip, but Tamra says she'll have to check with Simon first, because they don't really travel separately ever, which Vicki does not like one bit. Do I sense a dramatic plot arc? Yes!

Next, we head over to Saddleback Community College, where Gretchen and Slade are taking motorcycle driving class so Gretchen can get a license to drive that ridiculous motorbike Jeff bought her last season (you know, her happiest memory of him). I wasn't aware you could have a motorcycle registered in your name but not be legally able to drive it. Interesting.

Anyway, the two of them act like idiots during class and look really obnoxious. Gretchen says it's because she's a "class clown," but I think it's because that's how she gets dudes, by acting "goofy." She's totally the Cameron Diaz type who is like "Nah, I'm a total tomboy! See, I fart! Look at me in this bikini!" Whatever, they both pass, which means Gretchen can drive her big stupid Harley around and give old men boners.

Moving on! In order to better bond and get to know each other (read: get more camera time so they can get more money to subsidize their ridiculous lifestyles), OC husbands Simon (Tamra's), Jim (Alexis's), and Don (Vicki's) all go golfing together. They lazily thwack balls around the green and perform horribly, especially big fat pile Jim, who smokes cigar after cigar and almost crashes his golf cart.

After the end of their horrible game, the men head to the clubhouse for some brewskis and gnarly dude talk. They talk about the economy, and Jim says something trite about how it's made him realize how much shit he's got that he doesn't need. This prompts Simon to make an idiotic statement about how it's "slapped us back to the 50's" where things were simpler, which makes no sense. Nothing about their lives is simple or like the 50's at all, except for maybe their desire to own their wives.

Jim brings up the Florida trip which Don says they weren't invited to, since it's a "girls trip." This doesn't go over too well with Jim or Simon, who both say that they have a rule where they never travel without their spouses. Again, I call bullshit. You know that both of them travel without their wives all the time. I think it's more that they are terrible monsters who think their wives are their property and want to control every aspect of their lives. This, however, makes Don and Vicki's relationship look downright healthy. They both express shock at how "different" Don and Vicki's relationship is because he "lets Vicki travel without him." Ugh, terrible.

Next up, it's time for lunch with Gretchen and Alexis, who somehow managed to escape her cage. After an uncomfortable part where their waiter offers them "cougar cocktails," the ladies move on to talk about the Florida trip. Alexis says she has the "best marriage in the world," so why would she want to go on a trip without her husband. She chalks this up to them being very traditional and "godly," and believe in traditional principles and gender roles. She says she even trusts her husband to be naked on a boat with Gretchen, which seems so oddly specific that it makes me think Alexis has actually been naked on a boat at some point. Or she at least views this as a very sexy situation. Gretchen interviews that it's weird that Alexis puts on this whole godly act sincee she parades around with her gigantic boobs out all the time. Point, Gretchen!

Seriously though, there's something so infuriating about people who claim to be very Christian and moral, but then parade around dressed like pornstars and act like complete monsters. And OC seems to be full of them. Nuke them, I say!

After an intense segment in which Tamra and Simon argue about Ryan, and an even more intense segment involving Alexis getting botox, we head back to Dr. Facecutty's office to check in on Lynne. Our girl emerges from a room with her head all bandaged and babushka'd. The doctor unwraps the bandages, and everyone says how good Lynne looks and what a success the surgery was. Which, yes, it is a success, if the goal was to have her look like Katherine Helmond in Brazil. A few minutes later, Raquel shows up with her shnoz all bandaged up, and Lynne tells her how pretty she looks, though in her confessional Raquel basically looks the same as she always did. Lynne does look a little less freakish once her face has settled though.

Later, Tamra puts on her real estate agent shoes and shows a house. She keeps saying how much she misses the industry and how she loves it, and how they have no money, and the whole scene is just very sad.

That night, Vicki and Don have an awkward dinner date to get Vicki's love tank a-boilin. It is cute that they're making an effort, even if the conversation is stilted and they don't seem to have much in common. While at dinner, Don brings up the conversation at the golf course, specifically about how Simon said the Gunvalson's relationship is not normal. Miss Piggy is none too pleased by this or the fact that Simon and Jim will be joining them in Florida. She also mentions that she and Simon have been having a conflict lately. This trip should be interestiiiiiing.

In the final scene, Gretchen and Tamra meet to bury the hatchet before the upcoming trip. However, they fail miserably, because Tamra refuses to admit any wrongdoing and she tells Gretchen that they won't be friends until Gretchen takes down some blog post she wrote about Tamra. This woman is in her 40's. And getting upset over Facebook wall posts and blogs. Jesus Christ on a cross.

That's all she wrote this week! They did a lot of setting up for next week's Florida episode, so it should be a doozie. The preview promises a surprise Slade visit, a slurry Vicki giving Gretchen shit, and a confrontation between Vicks and Tams about Simon. Exciting!


Maria said...

i found your website via a google alert for the housewives (i recap the shows as well) and i spent an hour reading your archives. you are seriously awesome and funny. loved every wonderful word!

Noah said...

Thanks! Glad there's actually people out there who read this who aren't my mom. Your stuff on Bravofan is awesome too!