Oh my god guys, this week’s episode was a bird-feces-filled explosion of an episode. Seriously, there was so much humiliation and sass and Lynne meltdowns! It was great!
We begin with Gretchen, who is celebrating Jeff’s memory by strapping on some chaps, tying down her hair, and riding her big red hog off into the OC sunset. This would be kind of poignant, if she didn’t pepper the whole thing with interviews about how jealous all the other ladies must be of her, and how they can all “suck it.” Oh well.
After a brief interlude of the Barney clan in happier times, we move on to Lynne’s pretty-terrible-but-not-most-terrible daughter, Alexa, who is hanging out at some double-chinned friend’s house talking mad ish on her mom. Alexa is like, so pissed at her mom for telling her what to do, and like, is totally effing mad that her lame mom is forcing her to go shopping. She also refers to Lynne as "the devil."
Lynne calls up her demon spawn and slurs that she is outside waiting for her, so Alexa emerges from her zoftig friend’s house, and she and her mother zoom off to South Coast Plaza. Almost immediately, the two have get into it, with Alexa accusing Lynne of being, among other things, a bitch who is only concerned with her “career” and just wants her to be a “commercial for her cuffs.” (which, by the way, selling a few shitty cuffs here and there to ladies at your gym does not a businesswoman make). She then throws one of Lynne’s cuffs across the table, which causes Lynne to fly into a rage and be all “oh yeah, real nice Alexa, real nice” while lovingly stroking her abused silver cuff. Anyway, the fight continues, and Alexa eventually furiously storms off.
Meanwhile, Alexis, Queen of the Shake Weight, is busy boiling eggs, because the only food allowed in her clowntits bouncyhouse are breast-shaped things. Her pile of shit husband lumbers into the kitchen, clad in all white, all ready for the big sexual egg-eating ceremony about to take place. However, before they begin, Alexis asks him if she can have a big fun ladies cooking party. Knowing that he won’t get to start the Christ sex egg ceremony until he answers, he reluctantly says yes.
Back at the Barneys, Tamra and Simon are busy clearing all the stuff out of their garage so they can commence with the fire sale of their home. Her kids look on, teary eyed, as she throws all of their childhood toys into the dumpster, a sole blue monkey left on the pavement being the only remainder of their destroyed childhoods. They also find a big ol’ Mortal Kombat knife that turns out to be Ryan’s (of course it does).
That night, Vicki and Donn go out to a fancy dinner on the beach, AGAIN. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that they’re so lovey dovey again, but these people have date night like ALL THE TIME. Anyway, as the waitress reads Vicki and Donn the specials, a bird takes a dump on her head, causing Vicki to fly into a wild gigglefest, talking about the bird’s “diarrhea” dripping into the server’s ear. Gross. The waitress is a sport, and continues taking their order, despite being drenched from head to toe in bird feces like an extra gross episode of "You Can’t Do That on Television."
Anyway, after the server goes to hose herself down, Donn surprises Vicki with a fancy diamond-encrusted ring so they can both show off their blingy fings. It’s kinda cute how touched Vicki is by this, and the two share a genuine moment, which Vicki again ruins by mentioning that the diamonds are “at least 8 karats” and “princess cut.” But whatever, they’re cuuuuuuuute.
Meanwhile, Gretchen has her makeup artist friend over, broad by the name’a Ron Ann, to talk about the make up line she wants to create. See, Gretchen has fallen on hard times, what with Jeff being dead and all, so she needs to find a way to rustle up some cash. What way to make money than by making your own vanity business selling shitty cosmetics. Seriously, that’s all these ladies do. Can’t one of them get an actual job, for petes sake?! This line will fail, just like Lynne's cuffs, Ramona's skincare line, and Lauri's daughter's moisturizers.
Across town, Lynne is desperate for answers on how to tame her wild and crazy kids, so she heads over to her mother’s house. Granny Lynne, who looks equally pulled and poked, offers Lynne a cup of lemonade and compliments her on her “top.” I love that word for shirts, “top.” It’s something that only old ladies and sleazy movie producers who force women to sleep with them for roles say. The two have a barely lucid conversation about how teens need discipline, and Lynne feels oddly more comforted, even though absolutely nothing was resolved.
The next day, it’s time for Titty Titterberg’s Titalicious Cookoff! The ladies show up one by one, except for Vicki, who is working again. She says that some people have to work during the day, and can’t go to cooking parties in the middle of the day all the time. Hrmmph!
Unrelated, after hearing something strange, Tamra says “housewife say what?” UGH! Stop trying to make that a thing! It’s never going to happen! You will not make a catchphrase!
Sorry, that was a tangent. Anyway, the ladies start cooking, and Lynne throws back glass after glass of champagne, quickly getting plastered like "The Girls Next Doors’" genitalia in that one episode where they make chocolate casts of their cooters for Hef. She goes on to make inappropriate jokes about how she keeps her chotch tight through kegel exercises and her husband being hung like a horse. Gross.
After they wrap some fish and vegetables in a paper bag and throw ‘em in the oven, the ladies sit down to begin their fancymeal. Alexis Titterberg asks Gretchen and Tamra out of the blue if they’re “good now,” and the two awkwardly say yes, cuz what else are they gonna say?
However, the real dramz starts when Gretchen asks Lynne how her kids are. She starts rattling off her usual “Ya know, Alexa, shesss jus’ goin’ through a rrrrreal tuffpatch,” until Gretchen starts laying in about how she should be more hands on. Then Lynne, who is like 2 bottles in at this point, goes off the rails and starts crying and screaming “bullshit” and “whothefuckeryou,” flying further and further into the stratosphere. The ladies eventually calm her down a little bit, and then she starts sobbing about how hard it is raising kids in Orange County, and how she wishes she could turn back the clock to when her kids were watching Barney and all innocent and sweet and not swilling booze.
She ends by warning the ladies, “Be afraid, cuz it’s scary as shit. It’s horrible,” assumedly re: teen raising. This part kinda made me sad. Or at least, a little.
And that’s where we’re cruelly left this week! 40 minutes of whatever followed by a Lynnesplosion. Looks like next week homegirl gets evicted. AMAZE!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Nobody is hitting on her husband!
Boundaries. That was the name of the game this week on the Real Housewives. Marital boundaries, child-parent boundaries, workplace boundaries: all were crossed. It was like a Joe Eszterhas movie.
We began this week's episode with Alexis and her jiggly jello bags, who meet with Tamra to "play tennis" as a getaway from the "screaming babies" of their lives (that obviously weren't being kept under wraps by the 5000 nannies in their employ). After lazily lobbing balls back and forth for a few minutes, the two ladies give up and find a park bench (which is "very New York Central Park" according to Tamra) to gossip. Tamra relays the whole dramz between her and Gretchen to Alexis, who is just all "Whaaa?! Noooo?! I'm in shockkkk! Srsly!" as if she didn't know the whole story already, and there hadn't been an entire season revolving around it on national television.
Speaking of Gretchen, next we head to her humble abode as she prepares for her Stepford Wives-themed Tupperware. After the buckets of margaritas have been mixed and the punchbowls have been filled with salsa, the guests begin to arrive. Lynne and Frank show up first, in an admirable attempt to bury the hatchet over their fight from last week. Alexis and her disgusting monster pile husband show up next. The rest of die Reale Hausfrauen von Orange County will not be showing up, however, as Vicki has to "work," natches, and Tamra has to sit at home and frenziedly google "Gretchen Rossi slut liar" while screaming "STOP GETTING ME INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE!"
After the rest of the screeching boozehounds arrive, Gretchen calls down her personal Tupperware salesperson, who in this case happens to be the fabulous Latina drag queen Kay Sedia (get it?! Quesadilla!). Being in the presence of a gay dude in a dress totally makes all the OC husbands uncomfortable, and they scatter like roaches to the periphery of the house. The ladies, however, LOVE it. Like, seriously, they are enthralled by Ms. Sedia. You'd think they'd never seen a drag queen selling Tupperware before. Anyway, once she finishes her hard-sell of her wares, Madame Sedia packs up her magic Volkswagen Beetle and zooms off into the dark OC night, on to the next group of drunk housewives in need of food preservation.
After all the drag queen glitter dust has settled, we come to the first boundary crossing of the night: SOMEBODY (kindasortanotreally) HITS ON ALEXIS'S HUSSSSSSBAND!!! See, apparently some lady with a Victoria Beckham/Kate hybrid was getting a little too close to that meltybeast monster, so Alexis got all up in her face being like "He's MARRIED." using that condescending bitchgirl voice that I think we're all familiar with from our high school years. The alleged interloper is all like "bitch you crazy," and the ladies are officially in a fight.
They go back and forth, repeating the same three words at each other until Jim takes Alexis outside and threatens to put her back in her cage for a whole week if she doesn't calm down. She relents, and the two of them head home. After they leave, everyone recaps what just happened, and one girl awesomely says "Can I just say, he is not attractive! Nobody is hitting on her husband!" Loved her. Want to shake her hand.
Once all the Tupperware has been bought and all the boozes have been drunk, we leave for the sandy shores of Newport Beach, where Lynne's daughters Alexa and Raquel are sunning themselves like lizards on the sand. Alexa whines in her terrible OC lilt that nobody pays attention to her, and Raquel totally doesnt liiiike heeeer anymore. She says that the two of them should move to LA, and that Raquel should adopt her ("My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!"). Raquel is all "whateverrrrrr." Seriously, that's the level of discourse.
Later, Lynne gives Alexa a call to tell her that she needs to stay home tonight. Alexa is all "k whatever LOL" but then SHE STILL GOES OUT! Earthshattering! When Lynne and Frank come home to an Alexa-less house, they freak out. Ok, they mainly just act confused and overwhelmed, but you know what I mean. They call Alexa, who is all "Well, I'm gone already, so suck it. Kthxbai." and then hangs up on them. Lynne asks "where did we go wrong." Um, I think y'all went wrong at the moment of conception, sars.
The next day, we pay a visit to Vicki's fancy, honest to goodness, totally not rented just for the cameras, brick and mortar insurance office, where she gathers all 5 of her staff to reward them for being such good employees. How does she reward them you ask? By giving everybody BOTOX AND SPRAY TAAAAAANS! Yes, she is rewarding her employees by giving them medical cosmetic procedures. In the office. Ridick. The employees are all super stoked on this though, especially the two gays who work for her, one of whom is thrilled to get botox to eliminate his crows feet (dude's seriously like, 27). Once all the insurance salespeople have been sprayed and spackled, Vicki strips down to her underoos and gets spray-painted, screaming out a signature "WOOHOO!" all the while.
Meanwhile, back at Sadfamily Springs, Lynne and Frank are still fretting on the couch, waiting for Alexa to return home, dressing their dog up in dresses in the interim. Lynne gets a text message, which she has read aloud through some weird Speak n Spell device, presumably because she can't read, saying that Alexa will be home around 11:00. Well, 11:00 comes and goes, and still no Alexa, despite Lynne hallucinating that she hears her outside several tines. Eventually, the teen terror does come home, and basically just tells her parents that they are ridiculous and should leave her alone. Lynne and Frank are both just like "aww, hey now, that's harsh, YAWN, ok, time to go to bed. Love ya hun. Sheluvsus, right?" ::FACEPALM::
Later, Gretch-n-Slade and Tits-n-Douche head to a fancy day at the races to clear the air from the awkward fight at the Tupperware party. They get gussied up and wear big stupid hats, looking all fancy and well to do, but mainly just use the event as an excuse to talk shit about Tamra. Alexis says that she understands both sides of the argument, and her husband weirdly starts yelling at her and telling her that she doesn't know what she's talking about and she should shut up. Dude needs to calm down. That's basically all that happens at the races. Classy, right?
After that brief interlude, it's back to the Curtin household, where, in order to get through to Alexa, Lynne has asked Teen Whisperer Vanessa Van Petten back to parent her children for her, but alas, Alexa is a no-show for the powwow. To assert her dominance as parent, Lynne calls Alexa, and then puts Vanessa on the phone to tell her she needs to come home. Parentingfail. But, it works, and Alexa shuffles on home. She interviews that she's never had any boundaries with her parents, which made me immediately picture her seducing both of her parents like some sort of fucked up Lifetime movie. What?! It's funny!
Anyway, once Alexa enters the house, Lynne approaches her and is all "What....Where.....What....Why....You..." like a broken robot. At first, Alexa seems very "oh whatever" about the whole situation, but eventually breaks down and starts sobbing about how nobody understands her, and storms out of the house, while the rest of the family is left feeling flustered, shiny, and confused. To be continued?
And that was this week! Next week, it looks like there's a big fight between Gretchen and Lynne, and it looks gooooooood. Can't effing wait.
We began this week's episode with Alexis and her jiggly jello bags, who meet with Tamra to "play tennis" as a getaway from the "screaming babies" of their lives (that obviously weren't being kept under wraps by the 5000 nannies in their employ). After lazily lobbing balls back and forth for a few minutes, the two ladies give up and find a park bench (which is "very New York Central Park" according to Tamra) to gossip. Tamra relays the whole dramz between her and Gretchen to Alexis, who is just all "Whaaa?! Noooo?! I'm in shockkkk! Srsly!" as if she didn't know the whole story already, and there hadn't been an entire season revolving around it on national television.
Speaking of Gretchen, next we head to her humble abode as she prepares for her Stepford Wives-themed Tupperware. After the buckets of margaritas have been mixed and the punchbowls have been filled with salsa, the guests begin to arrive. Lynne and Frank show up first, in an admirable attempt to bury the hatchet over their fight from last week. Alexis and her disgusting monster pile husband show up next. The rest of die Reale Hausfrauen von Orange County will not be showing up, however, as Vicki has to "work," natches, and Tamra has to sit at home and frenziedly google "Gretchen Rossi slut liar" while screaming "STOP GETTING ME INVOLVED IN YOUR LIFE!"
After the rest of the screeching boozehounds arrive, Gretchen calls down her personal Tupperware salesperson, who in this case happens to be the fabulous Latina drag queen Kay Sedia (get it?! Quesadilla!). Being in the presence of a gay dude in a dress totally makes all the OC husbands uncomfortable, and they scatter like roaches to the periphery of the house. The ladies, however, LOVE it. Like, seriously, they are enthralled by Ms. Sedia. You'd think they'd never seen a drag queen selling Tupperware before. Anyway, once she finishes her hard-sell of her wares, Madame Sedia packs up her magic Volkswagen Beetle and zooms off into the dark OC night, on to the next group of drunk housewives in need of food preservation.
After all the drag queen glitter dust has settled, we come to the first boundary crossing of the night: SOMEBODY (kindasortanotreally) HITS ON ALEXIS'S HUSSSSSSBAND!!! See, apparently some lady with a Victoria Beckham/Kate hybrid was getting a little too close to that meltybeast monster, so Alexis got all up in her face being like "He's MARRIED." using that condescending bitchgirl voice that I think we're all familiar with from our high school years. The alleged interloper is all like "bitch you crazy," and the ladies are officially in a fight.
They go back and forth, repeating the same three words at each other until Jim takes Alexis outside and threatens to put her back in her cage for a whole week if she doesn't calm down. She relents, and the two of them head home. After they leave, everyone recaps what just happened, and one girl awesomely says "Can I just say, he is not attractive! Nobody is hitting on her husband!" Loved her. Want to shake her hand.
Once all the Tupperware has been bought and all the boozes have been drunk, we leave for the sandy shores of Newport Beach, where Lynne's daughters Alexa and Raquel are sunning themselves like lizards on the sand. Alexa whines in her terrible OC lilt that nobody pays attention to her, and Raquel totally doesnt liiiike heeeer anymore. She says that the two of them should move to LA, and that Raquel should adopt her ("My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!"). Raquel is all "whateverrrrrr." Seriously, that's the level of discourse.
Later, Lynne gives Alexa a call to tell her that she needs to stay home tonight. Alexa is all "k whatever LOL" but then SHE STILL GOES OUT! Earthshattering! When Lynne and Frank come home to an Alexa-less house, they freak out. Ok, they mainly just act confused and overwhelmed, but you know what I mean. They call Alexa, who is all "Well, I'm gone already, so suck it. Kthxbai." and then hangs up on them. Lynne asks "where did we go wrong." Um, I think y'all went wrong at the moment of conception, sars.
The next day, we pay a visit to Vicki's fancy, honest to goodness, totally not rented just for the cameras, brick and mortar insurance office, where she gathers all 5 of her staff to reward them for being such good employees. How does she reward them you ask? By giving everybody BOTOX AND SPRAY TAAAAAANS! Yes, she is rewarding her employees by giving them medical cosmetic procedures. In the office. Ridick. The employees are all super stoked on this though, especially the two gays who work for her, one of whom is thrilled to get botox to eliminate his crows feet (dude's seriously like, 27). Once all the insurance salespeople have been sprayed and spackled, Vicki strips down to her underoos and gets spray-painted, screaming out a signature "WOOHOO!" all the while.
Meanwhile, back at Sadfamily Springs, Lynne and Frank are still fretting on the couch, waiting for Alexa to return home, dressing their dog up in dresses in the interim. Lynne gets a text message, which she has read aloud through some weird Speak n Spell device, presumably because she can't read, saying that Alexa will be home around 11:00. Well, 11:00 comes and goes, and still no Alexa, despite Lynne hallucinating that she hears her outside several tines. Eventually, the teen terror does come home, and basically just tells her parents that they are ridiculous and should leave her alone. Lynne and Frank are both just like "aww, hey now, that's harsh, YAWN, ok, time to go to bed. Love ya hun. Sheluvsus, right?" ::FACEPALM::
Later, Gretch-n-Slade and Tits-n-Douche head to a fancy day at the races to clear the air from the awkward fight at the Tupperware party. They get gussied up and wear big stupid hats, looking all fancy and well to do, but mainly just use the event as an excuse to talk shit about Tamra. Alexis says that she understands both sides of the argument, and her husband weirdly starts yelling at her and telling her that she doesn't know what she's talking about and she should shut up. Dude needs to calm down. That's basically all that happens at the races. Classy, right?
After that brief interlude, it's back to the Curtin household, where, in order to get through to Alexa, Lynne has asked Teen Whisperer Vanessa Van Petten back to parent her children for her, but alas, Alexa is a no-show for the powwow. To assert her dominance as parent, Lynne calls Alexa, and then puts Vanessa on the phone to tell her she needs to come home. Parentingfail. But, it works, and Alexa shuffles on home. She interviews that she's never had any boundaries with her parents, which made me immediately picture her seducing both of her parents like some sort of fucked up Lifetime movie. What?! It's funny!
Anyway, once Alexa enters the house, Lynne approaches her and is all "What....Where.....What....Why....You..." like a broken robot. At first, Alexa seems very "oh whatever" about the whole situation, but eventually breaks down and starts sobbing about how nobody understands her, and storms out of the house, while the rest of the family is left feeling flustered, shiny, and confused. To be continued?
And that was this week! Next week, it looks like there's a big fight between Gretchen and Lynne, and it looks gooooooood. Can't effing wait.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Big Love Recap: Bill's latest crazy idea is CRAZY!
Yes! Big Love is baaaaack! I could just be high off of Chloe Sevigny's big Golden Globe win last night, but I really feel like this season is off to a GREAT start. Although I realize I'm starting recapping 1 episode in, but better late than never, right?
Basically, the season started with a few big ticket items:
1. Roman is indeed dead, and Adaleen had been keeping his body in the compound's meat freezer (creepy!)
2. Nikki’s surprise teen daughter Cara Lynn is going to be staying at the Henricksons, though she may not be as fond of it as she lets on.
3. Albie cruises a guy in a park, who turns out to be Dale Tomasson, the court-appointed manager of the UEB trust. Awkwaaaaard!
Anyway, we open this week at the Utah capital building, where Dale is grilled (and not in the sexy way) about his taking over managing the UEB trust. The interrogating representative gets all anti-polygamist and says that they should just bulldoze all the compounds and prosecute all polygamists. By the pensive, "Oh golly jeez" look on his face as he hears this, Bill doesn't seem to like this one bit. What will he do?!
Meanwhile, Nikki and Cara Lynn watch the Roman funeral coverage on the TV with serious faces. While that's going on, Bill receives some mysterious files with all sorts of pictures and letters in them, again making the “golly gosh” face.
Later during dinner, Bill makes the ABSOLUTELY INSANE announcement that with the increasingly virulent anti-polygamist rhetoric in the capital he has decided to run for office. The wives are, needless to say, a little confused about this new direction, which, duh, they should be. What is Bill thinking?!
Nikki takes the opportunity to try and convince Bill that ACTUALLY he should be the new prophet of Juniper Creek, and he just got his celestial wires crossed, but it doesn’t work. Anyway, they all get mad at him, and he gets mad that they aren't being supportive and storms off. For someone who is supposed to hold the priesthood of his family, he certainly acts like a big baby.
Escaping her father’s latest insane idea, Sara heads home to Scott, where he brings up the idea that they should just get married now, by a judge, without anyone else's blessing. Why get with a church they don't believe in, anyway? Especially one led by Bill.
Back at the Henrickson household during their always entertaining sister-wife meetings, Margene brings up how much her new home shopping business would suffer if they're exposed. Barb gets all sassy and angry, as usual, and Nikki tries to once again push the idea of Bill being the new Roman. Nobody listens to anybody, and they leave in a tiff. Why can’t they just get along?!
That afternoon, Nikki discovers Margene's bank statement while rummaging through her trash like a raccoon in prairie garb. Barb catches her, and at first reprimands Nikki for snooping, but then gets shocked at seeing how much homegirl’s pulling in from Mormon QVC. She also lets Nikki know that the files that were sent to Bill were all the files that were being kept on the family, marked case closed. She says it's over.
Except it’s not, since with the case being closed that means Nikki’s lawyer crush will be packing up and heading home. She heads over to his house, where they have an awkward talk and he yells at her basically for being crazy and messing up his whole life. So...yeah that didn't really go according to plan.
Across town, Sara visits Heather while she’s working at the drive-thru to apologize and to ask her to come to the wedding. At first Enola from Waterworld is a little cold, but when Sara threatens to sit in the drive thru until she changes her mind, she reluctantly agrees.
(Also, OMG, I just realized that this show is a total Waterworld reunion, since Jeanne Tripplehorn and Tina Majorino were both in that shit. Do you think they reminisce about it together? Being all like “Oh Jeanne, do you remember that scene where you took off your dress and boned Kevin Costner in the catamaran? That was fun!”)
At the homestead, Bill lets Nikki know that JJ is coming to dinner. She's pissed. Barb tries to convince Sara to get married in the family church by passing on her old wedding dress. Sara is thankful for it, but is still reluctant about being "sealed" in the family church, or any church for that matter. Barb puts on her sad happy mom face and walks out.
Downstairs Bill runs the idea of him gunning for office past Barb's sister and her husband, who basically say the same "Bitch, you crazy" thing that everyone else says. However, Bill is adamant about it and isn’t swayed.
Later that night, JJ and his cancer-stricken wife come over for dinner, where you can cut the tension with a knife. After a lot of passive-aggressive statements back and forth, JJ asks if they'll be coming to Roman’s funeral. When Nikki says she isn’t, the table clears out faster than the dancefloor at my Senior Prom after I requested Bjork. While Nikki and JJ stay outside hissing at eachother, Barb and Margene go inside, where Barb says how horrible it must be to have cancer on the compound, and rags on the lady’s admittedly horrible wig. Margene says she’s more creeped out by the fact that JJ doens't have fingernails, which, EW, GROSS!
Back at their appartment, Sara breaks the news to Ben (WHO I SAW AT RIDE-AID TODAY, OMG!) that she and Scott are getting married. Ben is pretty upset, and initially says that he won'd be coming to the wedding, but Scott convinces Ben that regardless of his personal views, he needs to be there.
Meanwhile, in the dead of night, JOEY AND WANDA HAVE RETURNED TO THE COMPOUND! We are obviously supposed to pay a lot of attention to this, judging from the ominous cinematography and scary music.
The next day, Adaleen and Evie go over to Nikki's house to change her mind about going to Roman's funeral. Nikki says there's no way she's going to the funeral, since she doubts Roman as the prophet, and hasn’t forgiven him for putting her in the Joy Book. Adaleen says shell never forgive Nikki if she doesn't go to the funeral. Conflict!
During their drive to the casino, Margene spills the beans to Bill that she's projected to make $134,000 this year. Bill says she needs to sign all that ish over to the family pot, but she says that things are more complicated than Denise Richards, so she wants lawyers involved. Look who's become a businesswoman all of a sudden! Get it gurrrrl!
The next day, Dale attends a creepy Mormon change-the-gays support group, and totally shits his pants when ALBIE SHOWS UP! After the meeting they have a confrontation outside. Dale is all "Look, we boned in the woods once, but ain’t nothing more gonna happen than that." Albie responds by making out with him for a few minutes until Dale freaks out and speeds away in his Prius (which doesn’t do much for his masculinity, BTW. Mmmmhmmm).
Also that day, Bill and Barb meet with a pastor at a normal Mormon church, where they lie and say how they've strayed, but have found the light again and are ready to get their LDS on. They pledge to dissavow their past and dissolve their other marriages. Scandalous! Afterwards, Barb makes it known how uncomfortable she feels lying about all this.
Next in the chain of weird stuff happening to Bill, he has a run-in with Joey while he's alone at their new church. He tells Joey that he wants to run for office, but Joey says that instead of running for office, he should be gunning for the prophet position. Like with Nikki, Bill says that's not his path, which Joey totally freaks out about.
Back at the compound, JJ creeps on Wanda and insinuates that he knows Joey killed Roman. He mysteriously reminds her that he has something very precious to her. What could that be?! Judging from how nuts Wanda is, that something precious could just be a bag full of paperclips or something.
At home, Barb catches Heather and Sara on their way to the wedding, sans Barb's wedding dress. She freaks out when Sara says that not only is she getting married at the courthouse, but she isn’t going to have a celestial marriage either.
Margene and Nikki talk about Bill's plans for office, where she questions Nikki's feelings for Bill. After she's pressed, Nikki admits that she doesn't know how she feels anymore. SHOCK!
Later, Sara confronts Bill in the back yard about her plans to get married. Sara says that she doesn't want to have to hide her beliefs any more, which is why she didn't want to tell Bill. She leaves, hoping she has Bill's blessing.
That night, in the CREEPIEST SCENE ON TV, everyone at the compound gathers to put Roman into the ground while they sing a weird Mormon prairie hymn. Also, SURPRISE! NIKKI IS THERE! Blood is thicker than water, I guess, even if that blood tried to sell you off in an underage girl catalog.
Also, did anyone else think it was weird how well all the Juniper Creekers sang? They should cut an album!
Back at Casa de Henrickson, Bill calls a last minute family meeting, where definitively says that he WILL be running for office, and they'll be serving openly. Once he wins the office, then they'll come out of the closet as polygamists, and see what happens. Hopefully, he says, they'll put a new, forward-thinking face on polygamy.
The other big news, as everyone assembles outside, is that Sara and Scott have decided to get married celestially in the back yard with the family there, in Barb's old wedding dress. Barb does her signature teary-eye-and-cry. Awww, how heartwarming. You know what’s not heartwarming? That last lingering look on Nikki's face, showing she obviously wants love like that, which she's not sure she has with Bill anymore. Chloe Sevs totally deserved the Golden Globe.
So anyway, that was the episode! Next week it looks like things are gonna get more intense, and JJ is gonna get even creepier. Wild!
Basically, the season started with a few big ticket items:
1. Roman is indeed dead, and Adaleen had been keeping his body in the compound's meat freezer (creepy!)
2. Nikki’s surprise teen daughter Cara Lynn is going to be staying at the Henricksons, though she may not be as fond of it as she lets on.
3. Albie cruises a guy in a park, who turns out to be Dale Tomasson, the court-appointed manager of the UEB trust. Awkwaaaaard!
Anyway, we open this week at the Utah capital building, where Dale is grilled (and not in the sexy way) about his taking over managing the UEB trust. The interrogating representative gets all anti-polygamist and says that they should just bulldoze all the compounds and prosecute all polygamists. By the pensive, "Oh golly jeez" look on his face as he hears this, Bill doesn't seem to like this one bit. What will he do?!
Meanwhile, Nikki and Cara Lynn watch the Roman funeral coverage on the TV with serious faces. While that's going on, Bill receives some mysterious files with all sorts of pictures and letters in them, again making the “golly gosh” face.
Later during dinner, Bill makes the ABSOLUTELY INSANE announcement that with the increasingly virulent anti-polygamist rhetoric in the capital he has decided to run for office. The wives are, needless to say, a little confused about this new direction, which, duh, they should be. What is Bill thinking?!
Nikki takes the opportunity to try and convince Bill that ACTUALLY he should be the new prophet of Juniper Creek, and he just got his celestial wires crossed, but it doesn’t work. Anyway, they all get mad at him, and he gets mad that they aren't being supportive and storms off. For someone who is supposed to hold the priesthood of his family, he certainly acts like a big baby.
Escaping her father’s latest insane idea, Sara heads home to Scott, where he brings up the idea that they should just get married now, by a judge, without anyone else's blessing. Why get with a church they don't believe in, anyway? Especially one led by Bill.
Back at the Henrickson household during their always entertaining sister-wife meetings, Margene brings up how much her new home shopping business would suffer if they're exposed. Barb gets all sassy and angry, as usual, and Nikki tries to once again push the idea of Bill being the new Roman. Nobody listens to anybody, and they leave in a tiff. Why can’t they just get along?!
That afternoon, Nikki discovers Margene's bank statement while rummaging through her trash like a raccoon in prairie garb. Barb catches her, and at first reprimands Nikki for snooping, but then gets shocked at seeing how much homegirl’s pulling in from Mormon QVC. She also lets Nikki know that the files that were sent to Bill were all the files that were being kept on the family, marked case closed. She says it's over.
Except it’s not, since with the case being closed that means Nikki’s lawyer crush will be packing up and heading home. She heads over to his house, where they have an awkward talk and he yells at her basically for being crazy and messing up his whole life. So...yeah that didn't really go according to plan.
Across town, Sara visits Heather while she’s working at the drive-thru to apologize and to ask her to come to the wedding. At first Enola from Waterworld is a little cold, but when Sara threatens to sit in the drive thru until she changes her mind, she reluctantly agrees.
(Also, OMG, I just realized that this show is a total Waterworld reunion, since Jeanne Tripplehorn and Tina Majorino were both in that shit. Do you think they reminisce about it together? Being all like “Oh Jeanne, do you remember that scene where you took off your dress and boned Kevin Costner in the catamaran? That was fun!”)
At the homestead, Bill lets Nikki know that JJ is coming to dinner. She's pissed. Barb tries to convince Sara to get married in the family church by passing on her old wedding dress. Sara is thankful for it, but is still reluctant about being "sealed" in the family church, or any church for that matter. Barb puts on her sad happy mom face and walks out.
Downstairs Bill runs the idea of him gunning for office past Barb's sister and her husband, who basically say the same "Bitch, you crazy" thing that everyone else says. However, Bill is adamant about it and isn’t swayed.
Later that night, JJ and his cancer-stricken wife come over for dinner, where you can cut the tension with a knife. After a lot of passive-aggressive statements back and forth, JJ asks if they'll be coming to Roman’s funeral. When Nikki says she isn’t, the table clears out faster than the dancefloor at my Senior Prom after I requested Bjork. While Nikki and JJ stay outside hissing at eachother, Barb and Margene go inside, where Barb says how horrible it must be to have cancer on the compound, and rags on the lady’s admittedly horrible wig. Margene says she’s more creeped out by the fact that JJ doens't have fingernails, which, EW, GROSS!
Back at their appartment, Sara breaks the news to Ben (WHO I SAW AT RIDE-AID TODAY, OMG!) that she and Scott are getting married. Ben is pretty upset, and initially says that he won'd be coming to the wedding, but Scott convinces Ben that regardless of his personal views, he needs to be there.
Meanwhile, in the dead of night, JOEY AND WANDA HAVE RETURNED TO THE COMPOUND! We are obviously supposed to pay a lot of attention to this, judging from the ominous cinematography and scary music.
The next day, Adaleen and Evie go over to Nikki's house to change her mind about going to Roman's funeral. Nikki says there's no way she's going to the funeral, since she doubts Roman as the prophet, and hasn’t forgiven him for putting her in the Joy Book. Adaleen says shell never forgive Nikki if she doesn't go to the funeral. Conflict!
During their drive to the casino, Margene spills the beans to Bill that she's projected to make $134,000 this year. Bill says she needs to sign all that ish over to the family pot, but she says that things are more complicated than Denise Richards, so she wants lawyers involved. Look who's become a businesswoman all of a sudden! Get it gurrrrl!
The next day, Dale attends a creepy Mormon change-the-gays support group, and totally shits his pants when ALBIE SHOWS UP! After the meeting they have a confrontation outside. Dale is all "Look, we boned in the woods once, but ain’t nothing more gonna happen than that." Albie responds by making out with him for a few minutes until Dale freaks out and speeds away in his Prius (which doesn’t do much for his masculinity, BTW. Mmmmhmmm).
Also that day, Bill and Barb meet with a pastor at a normal Mormon church, where they lie and say how they've strayed, but have found the light again and are ready to get their LDS on. They pledge to dissavow their past and dissolve their other marriages. Scandalous! Afterwards, Barb makes it known how uncomfortable she feels lying about all this.
Next in the chain of weird stuff happening to Bill, he has a run-in with Joey while he's alone at their new church. He tells Joey that he wants to run for office, but Joey says that instead of running for office, he should be gunning for the prophet position. Like with Nikki, Bill says that's not his path, which Joey totally freaks out about.
Back at the compound, JJ creeps on Wanda and insinuates that he knows Joey killed Roman. He mysteriously reminds her that he has something very precious to her. What could that be?! Judging from how nuts Wanda is, that something precious could just be a bag full of paperclips or something.
At home, Barb catches Heather and Sara on their way to the wedding, sans Barb's wedding dress. She freaks out when Sara says that not only is she getting married at the courthouse, but she isn’t going to have a celestial marriage either.
Margene and Nikki talk about Bill's plans for office, where she questions Nikki's feelings for Bill. After she's pressed, Nikki admits that she doesn't know how she feels anymore. SHOCK!
Later, Sara confronts Bill in the back yard about her plans to get married. Sara says that she doesn't want to have to hide her beliefs any more, which is why she didn't want to tell Bill. She leaves, hoping she has Bill's blessing.
That night, in the CREEPIEST SCENE ON TV, everyone at the compound gathers to put Roman into the ground while they sing a weird Mormon prairie hymn. Also, SURPRISE! NIKKI IS THERE! Blood is thicker than water, I guess, even if that blood tried to sell you off in an underage girl catalog.
Also, did anyone else think it was weird how well all the Juniper Creekers sang? They should cut an album!
Back at Casa de Henrickson, Bill calls a last minute family meeting, where definitively says that he WILL be running for office, and they'll be serving openly. Once he wins the office, then they'll come out of the closet as polygamists, and see what happens. Hopefully, he says, they'll put a new, forward-thinking face on polygamy.
The other big news, as everyone assembles outside, is that Sara and Scott have decided to get married celestially in the back yard with the family there, in Barb's old wedding dress. Barb does her signature teary-eye-and-cry. Awww, how heartwarming. You know what’s not heartwarming? That last lingering look on Nikki's face, showing she obviously wants love like that, which she's not sure she has with Bill anymore. Chloe Sevs totally deserved the Golden Globe.
So anyway, that was the episode! Next week it looks like things are gonna get more intense, and JJ is gonna get even creepier. Wild!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Sloth Fights and Sleepovers
Aaaaaand we’re back! I’ve returned to those 5 ladies who have captivated my heart and mind since I first laid eyes on them. Or, you know, at least filled my schadenfreude quota for the year. Bottom line, it's good to be back.
Anyway, this week’s episode was one of the weirder of the season, chock full of Lynne fights (the rarest of all housewife fights!) and old lady sleepovers. Fun!
We begin with Lynne and Gretchen, who meet at the park to walk their dogs and say passive aggressively bitchy things to each other. You see, Lynne wasn’t too happy about Gretchen’s meddling in her daughter’s sadtimes, regardless of how warranted it was. Gretchen brays that she only wanted to help give Alexa a cool friend to talk about her real kid problems with. Lynne says Gretchen isn’t a mom so she has no idea. Once Gretchen is a mom, she’ll realize that Lynne’s laissez-faire, pilled up, dead-eyed form of parenting is indeed the best medicine.
Later, Gretchen relates the “fight” with Lynne to her bearded man-baby beau, Slade. She whines about how hurt she was since she was only trying to help, and blaah blaah waa waa. Slade makes a non-sequitor, kind of mean comment about Lynne’s face being pulled to tight.
(Aside: Isn’t a fight between Lynne and Gretchen kind of exciting? It’s just such a rare and unrepresented pairing that’s never happened before! I feel like I just opened up a pack of Magic cards and got Sliver Queen!)
While Gretch-n-Slade are busy getting their persecution complex on Carrie Prejean-stylie, Tamra heads over to her deadbeat son's house to have a little chat. She hopes that she can get him to apologize to Simon by bringing him Chinese food, since he is probably starving, having been living exclusively on Natty-Light and Corn Nuts for the past several months.
Her plan fails, and he refuses to apologize. However, he does tell her he has an interview for a brand manager position at some mysterious company called “Psylabs,” which to me sounds like some sort of evil rage virus-producing mega corporation. But hey, a job’s a job, so Tamra is happy.
However, later Ryan learns that he got the job, which makes his momma even more proud of him, and while high on accomplishment, Ryan and Simon make up. Awwww.
Back at the Battle of Dana Point, Lynne rehashes her “fight” with Gretchen to her husband. She maintains that she did nothing wrong, and adds that Gretchen isn’t exactly the best role model, since not too long ago there were pics of her doing sexytimes all over the interwebs. Point, Lynne. Her bitching sesh is interrupted by a call from her be-buck toothed adversary, who bizarrely invites Lynne and her nameless husk of a husband to dinner to “clear the air.” Dude, is it just me, or are these ladies constantly "clearing the air?" Like, every episode someone needs to clear someone’s air. They should just call this show "Febreze." Anyway, Lynne agrees. It’s a date!
While Lynne-n-Hubs make their way to the lion's den, Gretchen busies herself preparing dinner, which appears to just mean mixing margaritas and emptying several gigantic tubs of salsa into a salad bowl. Seriously, did anyone else notice that? Who eats that much salsa?! Who?! Slade comes in, and starts ranting about how pissed he is, at this point seeming way more upset about the situation than Gretchen. Say what you will, homeboy is good at getting face time.
After not too long, they hear a quiet scraping of claws on the front door, which turns out to be the Curtins, who have arrived for the much ballyhooed dinner fight. After swapping a few pleasantries, the ladies get down to business. At first the conversation goes pretty well, with both parties seemingly making their way towards an understanding. That is, until Slade goes on an unnecessarily aggressive attack towards Lynne, implying she doesn’t know anything about what is going on in her daughter’s life. Lynne interviews that she thinks it’s funny Slade said that, since he's a notorious deadbeat dad who famously skipped out on child support for his terminally ill son. Zing! That’s point 2 for Lynne! Also, I still can’t get over Lynne in a fight! It’s so entertaining. Like watching a sloth all of a sudden start lazily clawing at a trespassing tapir in the Amazon. The fight ends largely unresolved, with Lynne-n-Hubs looking pretty good and Gretch-n-Slade looking like triflin’ haters.
The next day we follow Alexis the Titty Queen of Orange County while she and her friend (whom I think was named Today? I didn’t quite catch it) get a spa day. You see, managing her staff of nannies is terribly tiring, so every so often she just needs to relax at the spa and get her back rubbed. While there she talks to her friend about how crazy the ladies are and how fun Tamra’s Wigged-Out Bunko Boozefest ™ was, and how she could really let herself go and not worry about being pretty for her husband. She also said she was glad she didn’t win as much, so she wouldn’t have gotten too drunk and gotten “grounded” by her husband. Literally, that’s what she said. I used to really hate Alexis (and don’t get me wrong, still do), but the more I learn about her life and her family dynamic, the more I just feel super depressed. Downerrrrr…
As if sensing how depressed I was getting with the Alexis plotline, the editors mercifully move on to the best part of last night's episode: Vicki's Old Lady Slumber Party!!!!! In order to diffuse the tension from the whole Florida incident, Vicki thought of the bizarre idea to have all the ladies over for a slumber party at her place. You can tell that the other ladies think this is a really weird idea, but they all come anyway cuz of you know, contracts and all.
The ladies trickle in one by one, suitcases in tow, and immediately commence drinking. The last to arrive is Lynne, who got lost on the way and then walked into the screen door of Vicki's house, which, of course she did. Once all the ladies are there, Alexis pulls out a tray of jello shots that she made to presumably compliment her equally jiggly clowntits, and they all start getting buck wild. But not like Buck Wild from Flavor of Love. That would be great.
Once the ladies are well lubricated, Vicki announces that she has a surprise in store for all of them. All their minds go wild wondering what it could be, but it turns out that it's just a boring old (in the coloquial sense, he's actually young) gay psychic by the name'a Dougall. Vickles McPigglesworth assembles all the ladies in the living room to have their fortunes told by Dougall the Gay Wizard. Gretchen and Lynne are skeptical and kind of bitchy to him, though to be fair, Dougall's "reading" basically amounts to him telling them they are superficial and insecure, which, while true, isn't the best way to get on their good side. Alexis isn't very comfortable, what with God hating psychics and gargayles and Dougall is tamperin' in dark sided stuff and he's not a ChristiaAANAAAH! So she kind of blows him off.
Tamra, however, is all over that shit. In fact, she gets so into it that she asks Dougall for a private reading, where she breaks down in tears and says she's worried that her son will die young. Doogster assures her he won't. He better not, or else you'll be exposed, Dougall!
Anyway, after Dougall the Sassy Psychic makes his exit, it's time for the real fun to start. Vicki tells everyone that they are going to TP JEANA'S HOUSE OMG LOL! Get it! Because it's a sleepover! The ladies put on creepy plastic masks and sneak over to Jeana's, but not before running upstairs and barging in on Vicki's son mid coitus masturbatus. They all giggle and then quickly make their exit.
Anyway, they lug a big costco pallet of toilet paper next door and have a giggly girlish good time vandalizing Jeana's house, which Vicki says the gardner will just clean up anyway.
Once they are safe back at Vicki's, Alexis announces that she'll be heading home, because her husband is a monster who will not do any housework, not even change a diaper. This causes an domino effect, and all the ladies wind up fleeing for the safety of their respective beds, hopping into their SUVs and drunk-driving all the way home. Vicki interviews that this was the right decision, since she didn't really want to sleep downstairs in a sleeping back anyway, but I suspect once the cameras were off and she was upstairs, she burst into tears while wailing "But I bought donuuuuuuuuuuts and Eggoooooos!" Poor Vicki, nobody ever wants to come to her party...
Can't wait for next week's episode! I think it might be the one where Vicki and Alexis have their "fight" that Bravo has been hyping up all season.
(Oh! One last thing! How great was the little interlude of Brianna going bowling and doing sake bombs with her gays? Love that girl! How did such a normal and seemingly nice girl come out of an unpleasant and overbearing womb like Vicki's? One of life's mysteries I suppose...)
Anyway, this week’s episode was one of the weirder of the season, chock full of Lynne fights (the rarest of all housewife fights!) and old lady sleepovers. Fun!
We begin with Lynne and Gretchen, who meet at the park to walk their dogs and say passive aggressively bitchy things to each other. You see, Lynne wasn’t too happy about Gretchen’s meddling in her daughter’s sadtimes, regardless of how warranted it was. Gretchen brays that she only wanted to help give Alexa a cool friend to talk about her real kid problems with. Lynne says Gretchen isn’t a mom so she has no idea. Once Gretchen is a mom, she’ll realize that Lynne’s laissez-faire, pilled up, dead-eyed form of parenting is indeed the best medicine.
Later, Gretchen relates the “fight” with Lynne to her bearded man-baby beau, Slade. She whines about how hurt she was since she was only trying to help, and blaah blaah waa waa. Slade makes a non-sequitor, kind of mean comment about Lynne’s face being pulled to tight.
(Aside: Isn’t a fight between Lynne and Gretchen kind of exciting? It’s just such a rare and unrepresented pairing that’s never happened before! I feel like I just opened up a pack of Magic cards and got Sliver Queen!)
While Gretch-n-Slade are busy getting their persecution complex on Carrie Prejean-stylie, Tamra heads over to her deadbeat son's house to have a little chat. She hopes that she can get him to apologize to Simon by bringing him Chinese food, since he is probably starving, having been living exclusively on Natty-Light and Corn Nuts for the past several months.
Her plan fails, and he refuses to apologize. However, he does tell her he has an interview for a brand manager position at some mysterious company called “Psylabs,” which to me sounds like some sort of evil rage virus-producing mega corporation. But hey, a job’s a job, so Tamra is happy.
However, later Ryan learns that he got the job, which makes his momma even more proud of him, and while high on accomplishment, Ryan and Simon make up. Awwww.
Back at the Battle of Dana Point, Lynne rehashes her “fight” with Gretchen to her husband. She maintains that she did nothing wrong, and adds that Gretchen isn’t exactly the best role model, since not too long ago there were pics of her doing sexytimes all over the interwebs. Point, Lynne. Her bitching sesh is interrupted by a call from her be-buck toothed adversary, who bizarrely invites Lynne and her nameless husk of a husband to dinner to “clear the air.” Dude, is it just me, or are these ladies constantly "clearing the air?" Like, every episode someone needs to clear someone’s air. They should just call this show "Febreze." Anyway, Lynne agrees. It’s a date!
While Lynne-n-Hubs make their way to the lion's den, Gretchen busies herself preparing dinner, which appears to just mean mixing margaritas and emptying several gigantic tubs of salsa into a salad bowl. Seriously, did anyone else notice that? Who eats that much salsa?! Who?! Slade comes in, and starts ranting about how pissed he is, at this point seeming way more upset about the situation than Gretchen. Say what you will, homeboy is good at getting face time.
After not too long, they hear a quiet scraping of claws on the front door, which turns out to be the Curtins, who have arrived for the much ballyhooed dinner fight. After swapping a few pleasantries, the ladies get down to business. At first the conversation goes pretty well, with both parties seemingly making their way towards an understanding. That is, until Slade goes on an unnecessarily aggressive attack towards Lynne, implying she doesn’t know anything about what is going on in her daughter’s life. Lynne interviews that she thinks it’s funny Slade said that, since he's a notorious deadbeat dad who famously skipped out on child support for his terminally ill son. Zing! That’s point 2 for Lynne! Also, I still can’t get over Lynne in a fight! It’s so entertaining. Like watching a sloth all of a sudden start lazily clawing at a trespassing tapir in the Amazon. The fight ends largely unresolved, with Lynne-n-Hubs looking pretty good and Gretch-n-Slade looking like triflin’ haters.
The next day we follow Alexis the Titty Queen of Orange County while she and her friend (whom I think was named Today? I didn’t quite catch it) get a spa day. You see, managing her staff of nannies is terribly tiring, so every so often she just needs to relax at the spa and get her back rubbed. While there she talks to her friend about how crazy the ladies are and how fun Tamra’s Wigged-Out Bunko Boozefest ™ was, and how she could really let herself go and not worry about being pretty for her husband. She also said she was glad she didn’t win as much, so she wouldn’t have gotten too drunk and gotten “grounded” by her husband. Literally, that’s what she said. I used to really hate Alexis (and don’t get me wrong, still do), but the more I learn about her life and her family dynamic, the more I just feel super depressed. Downerrrrr…
As if sensing how depressed I was getting with the Alexis plotline, the editors mercifully move on to the best part of last night's episode: Vicki's Old Lady Slumber Party!!!!! In order to diffuse the tension from the whole Florida incident, Vicki thought of the bizarre idea to have all the ladies over for a slumber party at her place. You can tell that the other ladies think this is a really weird idea, but they all come anyway cuz of you know, contracts and all.
The ladies trickle in one by one, suitcases in tow, and immediately commence drinking. The last to arrive is Lynne, who got lost on the way and then walked into the screen door of Vicki's house, which, of course she did. Once all the ladies are there, Alexis pulls out a tray of jello shots that she made to presumably compliment her equally jiggly clowntits, and they all start getting buck wild. But not like Buck Wild from Flavor of Love. That would be great.
Once the ladies are well lubricated, Vicki announces that she has a surprise in store for all of them. All their minds go wild wondering what it could be, but it turns out that it's just a boring old (in the coloquial sense, he's actually young) gay psychic by the name'a Dougall. Vickles McPigglesworth assembles all the ladies in the living room to have their fortunes told by Dougall the Gay Wizard. Gretchen and Lynne are skeptical and kind of bitchy to him, though to be fair, Dougall's "reading" basically amounts to him telling them they are superficial and insecure, which, while true, isn't the best way to get on their good side. Alexis isn't very comfortable, what with God hating psychics and gargayles and Dougall is tamperin' in dark sided stuff and he's not a ChristiaAANAAAH! So she kind of blows him off.
Tamra, however, is all over that shit. In fact, she gets so into it that she asks Dougall for a private reading, where she breaks down in tears and says she's worried that her son will die young. Doogster assures her he won't. He better not, or else you'll be exposed, Dougall!
Anyway, after Dougall the Sassy Psychic makes his exit, it's time for the real fun to start. Vicki tells everyone that they are going to TP JEANA'S HOUSE OMG LOL! Get it! Because it's a sleepover! The ladies put on creepy plastic masks and sneak over to Jeana's, but not before running upstairs and barging in on Vicki's son mid coitus masturbatus. They all giggle and then quickly make their exit.
Anyway, they lug a big costco pallet of toilet paper next door and have a giggly girlish good time vandalizing Jeana's house, which Vicki says the gardner will just clean up anyway.
Once they are safe back at Vicki's, Alexis announces that she'll be heading home, because her husband is a monster who will not do any housework, not even change a diaper. This causes an domino effect, and all the ladies wind up fleeing for the safety of their respective beds, hopping into their SUVs and drunk-driving all the way home. Vicki interviews that this was the right decision, since she didn't really want to sleep downstairs in a sleeping back anyway, but I suspect once the cameras were off and she was upstairs, she burst into tears while wailing "But I bought donuuuuuuuuuuts and Eggoooooos!" Poor Vicki, nobody ever wants to come to her party...
Can't wait for next week's episode! I think it might be the one where Vicki and Alexis have their "fight" that Bravo has been hyping up all season.
(Oh! One last thing! How great was the little interlude of Brianna going bowling and doing sake bombs with her gays? Love that girl! How did such a normal and seemingly nice girl come out of an unpleasant and overbearing womb like Vicki's? One of life's mysteries I suppose...)
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Hiatus Apologatus
Guys! Sorry! I'm sure the whole 10 of you who read this blog are quite upset at my lack of recaps for about a month. Between a December rush at work and holiday business, I wasn't able to carve out time to watch, rewatch, and take copious notes on our Fanta-hued frieds.
Rather than do a 2 episode mega blog, I've decided to forgo recapping those episodes, and resume with tomorrow's episode. Basically, the main points of the past two episodes are as follows:
Episode one, Florida Fantasia: The ladies go to Florida, some bring their husbands, Vicki gets upset. Clowntits McGee's terrible husband acts like a jerk.
Episode two, Tamra falling, Vicki rising: Vicki whisks Don away on a romantic Turks and Caicos getaway, where they eat Conch dicks and renew their vows. Tamra's marriage crumbles into pieces and she cries. Clowntits and family attend a service at their bizarre Rock-n-Roll Christ-o-Rama of a church. Gretchen tries to have a heart to heart with Lynne's daughter Alexa, and it blows up in her face spectacularly. Lynne slurs.
So that's that, the past 2 episodes in a nutshell. Kinda makes the length of my typical blogs seem even more ridiculous, y/y?
Also, as of Sunday, I am going to start recapping Big Love I think, because I love the shit out of that program.
Seriously. LOVE. IT.
(Aside: I tried to do a recap of the new season of Bad Girls Club, but gave up when I reread it and it basically said "Natalie is mad at Flo. They fight. Portia is mad at Natalie. They fight. They all get drunk. They all fight. Kendra gets head in the confessional. She fights." Seriously, nothing happens on that show except for sex, booze, and fights!)
Anyway, see you Friday!
Rather than do a 2 episode mega blog, I've decided to forgo recapping those episodes, and resume with tomorrow's episode. Basically, the main points of the past two episodes are as follows:
Episode one, Florida Fantasia: The ladies go to Florida, some bring their husbands, Vicki gets upset. Clowntits McGee's terrible husband acts like a jerk.
Episode two, Tamra falling, Vicki rising: Vicki whisks Don away on a romantic Turks and Caicos getaway, where they eat Conch dicks and renew their vows. Tamra's marriage crumbles into pieces and she cries. Clowntits and family attend a service at their bizarre Rock-n-Roll Christ-o-Rama of a church. Gretchen tries to have a heart to heart with Lynne's daughter Alexa, and it blows up in her face spectacularly. Lynne slurs.
So that's that, the past 2 episodes in a nutshell. Kinda makes the length of my typical blogs seem even more ridiculous, y/y?
Also, as of Sunday, I am going to start recapping Big Love I think, because I love the shit out of that program.
Seriously. LOVE. IT.
(Aside: I tried to do a recap of the new season of Bad Girls Club, but gave up when I reread it and it basically said "Natalie is mad at Flo. They fight. Portia is mad at Natalie. They fight. They all get drunk. They all fight. Kendra gets head in the confessional. She fights." Seriously, nothing happens on that show except for sex, booze, and fights!)
Anyway, see you Friday!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: God hates girls only trips.
Is it just me, or was this week's journey into the bowels of hell actually kind of enjoyable? I mean, we got to see Lynne get sliced and diced, Gretchen actually making some salient points, and the further disintegration of Tamra's marraige. All in all, pretty good!
We begin as we did last week, with Vicki and her long-suffering daughter Brianna. However, this time, instead of trying to slip Brianna a roofie and getting her pregnant with some loser's seed, Vicki and daughter are out shopping for a ring for Don. The jeweler they go to is kind of awesome, if only because she called Vicki a bitch. Porky Patterson interviews that when they got married, she didn't have the money to buy Don somethin real nice, so she wants to make it up to him now. So, she buys him a gold ring with 3 princess cut diamonds in it. Which, like, is sweet and all, but seems kind of emasculating. Men's jewelry has always struck me as really bizarre because guys have to try and make an inherently feminine thing look all hard and edgy so they don't look gay by flashing off their princess cut diamonds. Anyway, weird. I like to think when Vicki gives Don the new ring, he'll go all Alexis on her and queen out about how awesome it is ("Vicki! This is sick! I love it! It's sick!").
Speaking of that terrible be-titted monster, next up is Alexis, who is busy taking her toddler-aged daughters for thier first mani-pedis. (Aside: I've just noticed one of these little monsters is named Melania, a name Theresa on RHONJ also named one of her daughters. I'm assuming both women named their daughters after Donald Trump's mail order bride, which, if true, is a great example to set for their children.) The kids throw complete tantrums because, you know, babies hate having their hands and toes prodded and painted by strange women. After a noble effort by the poor nail salon employees, Alexis scoops her kids up and tosses them into the back of her stupid car, where off camera she sobs quietly about the chamber of horrors that her life has turned into. Or at least, I imagine she does.
Moving on to Lynne, who is getting a new face bolted over her old one. She's brought over by her broken-souled husband, who is bankrolling this bizarre surgery even though they can't afford it and she doesn't need it. After signing her life away, Lynne is pumped full of drugs and gets real loopy. Loopier even than that one time where she ate a whole tray of weed brownies with her friend Scooter in the 70's and had tea with Jesus. Eventually she passes out, and the doctor proceeds to cut off her face.
While that happens, Lynne's husband returns with daughter Raquel, who also has an appointment to have her face filed down. Instead of a face lift though, Raquel will be getting a new nose. She interviews that a while ago she broke her nose, and it hasn't been the same since, which I call bullshit on. I'm so sick of people saying they are getting nose jobs because of some fake medical reason. No, you are not getting a nose job because of your deviated septum, you are getting one because you want a tiny button nose, Heidi Montag. Similarly, I doubt this dubious broken-nose claim.
Anyway, after the doctor pulls out a chisel and hammer and breaks Raquel's nose (literally, that's what he does), we head over to Vicki's house, where she is furiously typing up "work." Something about the way she does this makes me think that she's just fast typing to look busy. Like, seriously, if you looked at her screen it probably just says "sdjaklxaslkkfjc;kl;fajkln;/j" or something. She takes time out of her very important business work to speak with Tamra about the upcoming Florida trip Vicki is planning. Vicki says that she wants it to be a girls trip, but Tamra says she'll have to check with Simon first, because they don't really travel separately ever, which Vicki does not like one bit. Do I sense a dramatic plot arc? Yes!
Next, we head over to Saddleback Community College, where Gretchen and Slade are taking motorcycle driving class so Gretchen can get a license to drive that ridiculous motorbike Jeff bought her last season (you know, her happiest memory of him). I wasn't aware you could have a motorcycle registered in your name but not be legally able to drive it. Interesting.
Anyway, the two of them act like idiots during class and look really obnoxious. Gretchen says it's because she's a "class clown," but I think it's because that's how she gets dudes, by acting "goofy." She's totally the Cameron Diaz type who is like "Nah, I'm a total tomboy! See, I fart! Look at me in this bikini!" Whatever, they both pass, which means Gretchen can drive her big stupid Harley around and give old men boners.
Moving on! In order to better bond and get to know each other (read: get more camera time so they can get more money to subsidize their ridiculous lifestyles), OC husbands Simon (Tamra's), Jim (Alexis's), and Don (Vicki's) all go golfing together. They lazily thwack balls around the green and perform horribly, especially big fat pile Jim, who smokes cigar after cigar and almost crashes his golf cart.
After the end of their horrible game, the men head to the clubhouse for some brewskis and gnarly dude talk. They talk about the economy, and Jim says something trite about how it's made him realize how much shit he's got that he doesn't need. This prompts Simon to make an idiotic statement about how it's "slapped us back to the 50's" where things were simpler, which makes no sense. Nothing about their lives is simple or like the 50's at all, except for maybe their desire to own their wives.
Jim brings up the Florida trip which Don says they weren't invited to, since it's a "girls trip." This doesn't go over too well with Jim or Simon, who both say that they have a rule where they never travel without their spouses. Again, I call bullshit. You know that both of them travel without their wives all the time. I think it's more that they are terrible monsters who think their wives are their property and want to control every aspect of their lives. This, however, makes Don and Vicki's relationship look downright healthy. They both express shock at how "different" Don and Vicki's relationship is because he "lets Vicki travel without him." Ugh, terrible.
Next up, it's time for lunch with Gretchen and Alexis, who somehow managed to escape her cage. After an uncomfortable part where their waiter offers them "cougar cocktails," the ladies move on to talk about the Florida trip. Alexis says she has the "best marriage in the world," so why would she want to go on a trip without her husband. She chalks this up to them being very traditional and "godly," and believe in traditional principles and gender roles. She says she even trusts her husband to be naked on a boat with Gretchen, which seems so oddly specific that it makes me think Alexis has actually been naked on a boat at some point. Or she at least views this as a very sexy situation. Gretchen interviews that it's weird that Alexis puts on this whole godly act sincee she parades around with her gigantic boobs out all the time. Point, Gretchen!
Seriously though, there's something so infuriating about people who claim to be very Christian and moral, but then parade around dressed like pornstars and act like complete monsters. And OC seems to be full of them. Nuke them, I say!
After an intense segment in which Tamra and Simon argue about Ryan, and an even more intense segment involving Alexis getting botox, we head back to Dr. Facecutty's office to check in on Lynne. Our girl emerges from a room with her head all bandaged and babushka'd. The doctor unwraps the bandages, and everyone says how good Lynne looks and what a success the surgery was. Which, yes, it is a success, if the goal was to have her look like Katherine Helmond in Brazil. A few minutes later, Raquel shows up with her shnoz all bandaged up, and Lynne tells her how pretty she looks, though in her confessional Raquel basically looks the same as she always did. Lynne does look a little less freakish once her face has settled though.
Later, Tamra puts on her real estate agent shoes and shows a house. She keeps saying how much she misses the industry and how she loves it, and how they have no money, and the whole scene is just very sad.
That night, Vicki and Don have an awkward dinner date to get Vicki's love tank a-boilin. It is cute that they're making an effort, even if the conversation is stilted and they don't seem to have much in common. While at dinner, Don brings up the conversation at the golf course, specifically about how Simon said the Gunvalson's relationship is not normal. Miss Piggy is none too pleased by this or the fact that Simon and Jim will be joining them in Florida. She also mentions that she and Simon have been having a conflict lately. This trip should be interestiiiiiing.
In the final scene, Gretchen and Tamra meet to bury the hatchet before the upcoming trip. However, they fail miserably, because Tamra refuses to admit any wrongdoing and she tells Gretchen that they won't be friends until Gretchen takes down some blog post she wrote about Tamra. This woman is in her 40's. And getting upset over Facebook wall posts and blogs. Jesus Christ on a cross.
That's all she wrote this week! They did a lot of setting up for next week's Florida episode, so it should be a doozie. The preview promises a surprise Slade visit, a slurry Vicki giving Gretchen shit, and a confrontation between Vicks and Tams about Simon. Exciting!
We begin as we did last week, with Vicki and her long-suffering daughter Brianna. However, this time, instead of trying to slip Brianna a roofie and getting her pregnant with some loser's seed, Vicki and daughter are out shopping for a ring for Don. The jeweler they go to is kind of awesome, if only because she called Vicki a bitch. Porky Patterson interviews that when they got married, she didn't have the money to buy Don somethin real nice, so she wants to make it up to him now. So, she buys him a gold ring with 3 princess cut diamonds in it. Which, like, is sweet and all, but seems kind of emasculating. Men's jewelry has always struck me as really bizarre because guys have to try and make an inherently feminine thing look all hard and edgy so they don't look gay by flashing off their princess cut diamonds. Anyway, weird. I like to think when Vicki gives Don the new ring, he'll go all Alexis on her and queen out about how awesome it is ("Vicki! This is sick! I love it! It's sick!").
Speaking of that terrible be-titted monster, next up is Alexis, who is busy taking her toddler-aged daughters for thier first mani-pedis. (Aside: I've just noticed one of these little monsters is named Melania, a name Theresa on RHONJ also named one of her daughters. I'm assuming both women named their daughters after Donald Trump's mail order bride, which, if true, is a great example to set for their children.) The kids throw complete tantrums because, you know, babies hate having their hands and toes prodded and painted by strange women. After a noble effort by the poor nail salon employees, Alexis scoops her kids up and tosses them into the back of her stupid car, where off camera she sobs quietly about the chamber of horrors that her life has turned into. Or at least, I imagine she does.
Moving on to Lynne, who is getting a new face bolted over her old one. She's brought over by her broken-souled husband, who is bankrolling this bizarre surgery even though they can't afford it and she doesn't need it. After signing her life away, Lynne is pumped full of drugs and gets real loopy. Loopier even than that one time where she ate a whole tray of weed brownies with her friend Scooter in the 70's and had tea with Jesus. Eventually she passes out, and the doctor proceeds to cut off her face.
While that happens, Lynne's husband returns with daughter Raquel, who also has an appointment to have her face filed down. Instead of a face lift though, Raquel will be getting a new nose. She interviews that a while ago she broke her nose, and it hasn't been the same since, which I call bullshit on. I'm so sick of people saying they are getting nose jobs because of some fake medical reason. No, you are not getting a nose job because of your deviated septum, you are getting one because you want a tiny button nose, Heidi Montag. Similarly, I doubt this dubious broken-nose claim.
Anyway, after the doctor pulls out a chisel and hammer and breaks Raquel's nose (literally, that's what he does), we head over to Vicki's house, where she is furiously typing up "work." Something about the way she does this makes me think that she's just fast typing to look busy. Like, seriously, if you looked at her screen it probably just says "sdjaklxaslkkfjc;kl;fajkln;/j" or something. She takes time out of her very important business work to speak with Tamra about the upcoming Florida trip Vicki is planning. Vicki says that she wants it to be a girls trip, but Tamra says she'll have to check with Simon first, because they don't really travel separately ever, which Vicki does not like one bit. Do I sense a dramatic plot arc? Yes!
Next, we head over to Saddleback Community College, where Gretchen and Slade are taking motorcycle driving class so Gretchen can get a license to drive that ridiculous motorbike Jeff bought her last season (you know, her happiest memory of him). I wasn't aware you could have a motorcycle registered in your name but not be legally able to drive it. Interesting.
Anyway, the two of them act like idiots during class and look really obnoxious. Gretchen says it's because she's a "class clown," but I think it's because that's how she gets dudes, by acting "goofy." She's totally the Cameron Diaz type who is like "Nah, I'm a total tomboy! See, I fart! Look at me in this bikini!" Whatever, they both pass, which means Gretchen can drive her big stupid Harley around and give old men boners.
Moving on! In order to better bond and get to know each other (read: get more camera time so they can get more money to subsidize their ridiculous lifestyles), OC husbands Simon (Tamra's), Jim (Alexis's), and Don (Vicki's) all go golfing together. They lazily thwack balls around the green and perform horribly, especially big fat pile Jim, who smokes cigar after cigar and almost crashes his golf cart.
After the end of their horrible game, the men head to the clubhouse for some brewskis and gnarly dude talk. They talk about the economy, and Jim says something trite about how it's made him realize how much shit he's got that he doesn't need. This prompts Simon to make an idiotic statement about how it's "slapped us back to the 50's" where things were simpler, which makes no sense. Nothing about their lives is simple or like the 50's at all, except for maybe their desire to own their wives.
Jim brings up the Florida trip which Don says they weren't invited to, since it's a "girls trip." This doesn't go over too well with Jim or Simon, who both say that they have a rule where they never travel without their spouses. Again, I call bullshit. You know that both of them travel without their wives all the time. I think it's more that they are terrible monsters who think their wives are their property and want to control every aspect of their lives. This, however, makes Don and Vicki's relationship look downright healthy. They both express shock at how "different" Don and Vicki's relationship is because he "lets Vicki travel without him." Ugh, terrible.
Next up, it's time for lunch with Gretchen and Alexis, who somehow managed to escape her cage. After an uncomfortable part where their waiter offers them "cougar cocktails," the ladies move on to talk about the Florida trip. Alexis says she has the "best marriage in the world," so why would she want to go on a trip without her husband. She chalks this up to them being very traditional and "godly," and believe in traditional principles and gender roles. She says she even trusts her husband to be naked on a boat with Gretchen, which seems so oddly specific that it makes me think Alexis has actually been naked on a boat at some point. Or she at least views this as a very sexy situation. Gretchen interviews that it's weird that Alexis puts on this whole godly act sincee she parades around with her gigantic boobs out all the time. Point, Gretchen!
Seriously though, there's something so infuriating about people who claim to be very Christian and moral, but then parade around dressed like pornstars and act like complete monsters. And OC seems to be full of them. Nuke them, I say!
After an intense segment in which Tamra and Simon argue about Ryan, and an even more intense segment involving Alexis getting botox, we head back to Dr. Facecutty's office to check in on Lynne. Our girl emerges from a room with her head all bandaged and babushka'd. The doctor unwraps the bandages, and everyone says how good Lynne looks and what a success the surgery was. Which, yes, it is a success, if the goal was to have her look like Katherine Helmond in Brazil. A few minutes later, Raquel shows up with her shnoz all bandaged up, and Lynne tells her how pretty she looks, though in her confessional Raquel basically looks the same as she always did. Lynne does look a little less freakish once her face has settled though.
Later, Tamra puts on her real estate agent shoes and shows a house. She keeps saying how much she misses the industry and how she loves it, and how they have no money, and the whole scene is just very sad.
That night, Vicki and Don have an awkward dinner date to get Vicki's love tank a-boilin. It is cute that they're making an effort, even if the conversation is stilted and they don't seem to have much in common. While at dinner, Don brings up the conversation at the golf course, specifically about how Simon said the Gunvalson's relationship is not normal. Miss Piggy is none too pleased by this or the fact that Simon and Jim will be joining them in Florida. She also mentions that she and Simon have been having a conflict lately. This trip should be interestiiiiiing.
In the final scene, Gretchen and Tamra meet to bury the hatchet before the upcoming trip. However, they fail miserably, because Tamra refuses to admit any wrongdoing and she tells Gretchen that they won't be friends until Gretchen takes down some blog post she wrote about Tamra. This woman is in her 40's. And getting upset over Facebook wall posts and blogs. Jesus Christ on a cross.
That's all she wrote this week! They did a lot of setting up for next week's Florida episode, so it should be a doozie. The preview promises a surprise Slade visit, a slurry Vicki giving Gretchen shit, and a confrontation between Vicks and Tams about Simon. Exciting!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Wigs baby! Wigs!
And we're back! After Bravo subjected us to a week of no housewives, totally missing the opportunity for a Very Special OC Thanksgiving, the ladies have returned. This week, they deal with serious issues like creepy matchmaking, parent-child miscommunication, prison, and custom made necklaces to be dangled between one's clown tits. Learning!
The curtain rises on Vicki, who is concocting a very complicated scheme to fly out some piggish man-baby named Chris from Indiana in hopes of setting him up with Brianna, acting like some sort of orange-hued gentile Yente. The newly single Brianna (whom Colby left for a 17 year old! Escandalo!), is suprisingly ok with her mom setting her up on a weekend long date with a stranger she has never met.
While that elaborate courting ritual is going on, Gretchen flies out to Michigan to visit Jeff's kids, which is actually pretty touching. The kids seem to genuinely like her, which goes against all the "she's a gold digging prostitution whore" allegations that Tamra is belching out of her piehole. They all have a chat, and the son shows Gretchen the new photo-realistic tattoo of his father he got, placed squarely on his back. That kid had better not turn out to be gay. And if he does, he better be a top, if you know what I mean. Nothing worse than looking down during coitus and seeing some dude's dead father looking back at you. Shudder.
Back in OC, Vicki holds a BBQ to auction off Brianna's maidenhead. I mean, to welcome ChrisPig to the OC. A bunch of randos show up, along with Tamra and her brood. Later, her future-star-of-To-Catch-a-Predator son Ryan shows up to the BBQ. Apparently Tamra hasn't been seeing much of him lately because Simon has banned him from the house for driving Tamra's car without a license while they were in LA. Simon says all he wants is an apology. Over Facebook. Yeah. Facebook. Terrible.
Not that Ryan is that great either, mind you, as we see him later shotgunning beers in the pool with Vicki's impish son and some other random while his 4 year old sister aimlessly floats around nearby. While Simon stands like, 5 feet away, watching and saying nothing. Basically, I mean to say this family is horribly, HORRIBLY depressing. Next scene!
Mercifully, we move on to Alexis, who is stuck at the bottom of her pool, having been dragged there by the two sandbags bolted to her chest she tries to pass off as breasts. Just kidding, she and her creeper husband are going out to a nice dinner. Alexis interviews that she and her husband are "best friends," even though to me it seems like their relationship is more master and servant than friends, but whatever. She says that he has never changed a diaper or helped her with any of the home tasks, but she doesn't mind because "he's my king."
After I finish vomiting and unpause the DVR, the two proceed with their meal. Creeper husband lights a cigar and tucks into a gigantic pile of cocktail shrimp while belittling Alexis and asking her if she worked out today. He goes on to give her a big stupid diamond necklace to dangle in her cleavange and she fawns like a child. She interviews that she is living the fantasy life she dreamed about as a little girl. Really? You dreamed that you'd be starving yourself and maintaining a breakneck workout schedule so you could play house with some Larry the Cable Guy lookalike? Congrats.
Over at Lynne's new modernist Laguna Beach cube, she, her world-weary husband, and two demon spawn have a sit down to talk about their issues. Apparently, the two teens have been "lashing out," so Lynne has called in "Youthologist" Vanessa Van Petten to set the girls straight. Lynne assures the skeptical girls that Vanessa is "cool" and "with it," sounding like Amy Poehler's Cool Mom from Mean Girls.
It appears Vanessa wrote some stupid book about parenting like a child, which somehow makes her qualified to counsel families. She has a sit down with each of the girls as well as the parents, and in the end they come to a "breakthrough" that basically boils down to them needing to talk more and not be beer ho's. Did you feel the earth move? We also learn that Lynne used to do hash brownies, which I would have LOVED to have seen
After a sad scene where Gretchen visits Jeff's gravesite with his kids, we go back to Vicki, who is taking everyone out to dinner to bid farewell to Christopher McPigglesworth as he heads home to far-off Indiana. He politely interviews that he had a good time, and Brianna interviews that the whole thing was terribly awkward and she hated it and she'd never do it again. So that went well.
And now it's time for the final, and perhaps most bizarre segment in RHOC history. In order to blow off some steam and cut loose, Tamra decides to have a bunch of ladies over to play some "Wigged-out Housewife Bunko," in which a bunch of beef jerky people come over, inexplicably wearing wigs, to play some sort of elaborate thinly-veiled excuse to do tequila shots. They should have just played a game of King's, it would have been way faster. Blasts from the past Tammy and Meltybeast Quinn show up as well, which was fun.
Once the game is explained, the ladies proceed to throw dice and scream like monkeys until one of them rolls the right number, after which they take a shot. Alexis gets super competitive and weird, and Tammy gets really slurry and calls Tamra "a bitch, but a fun bitch. Ahluvver." Soon the game ends, and the ladies all presumably drunk-drive home, careening off into the OC night, running into mansions and manservants alike.
The next day, Tamra meets with Ryan at a Mexican restaurant because he's got something imporant to tell her. After some small talk about his foot (which he broke jumping off a tour bus while drunk), and after he orders a Patron shot and a Corona (stay classy!), Ryan tells his mom that he'll be going to jail. See, apparently he was supposed to do community service for his driving offense, but he decided to change it to jail time, since he is a lazy nogoodnik. He's totally all "Whatever, it's just prison. NBD." Tamra gives a painful interview about how much guilt she has, and how she would love to see Ryan succeed at something, and it's obvious that she's keenly aware of the horrible job she did raising him. Sad.
And with that downer of an ending, this week's chapter comes to a close. They seem to be really upping the crazy with his episode, so let's hope it sticks. Next week it appears Tamra and Gretchen have a no doubt heavily-edited smackdown. Could be fun?
The curtain rises on Vicki, who is concocting a very complicated scheme to fly out some piggish man-baby named Chris from Indiana in hopes of setting him up with Brianna, acting like some sort of orange-hued gentile Yente. The newly single Brianna (whom Colby left for a 17 year old! Escandalo!), is suprisingly ok with her mom setting her up on a weekend long date with a stranger she has never met.
While that elaborate courting ritual is going on, Gretchen flies out to Michigan to visit Jeff's kids, which is actually pretty touching. The kids seem to genuinely like her, which goes against all the "she's a gold digging prostitution whore" allegations that Tamra is belching out of her piehole. They all have a chat, and the son shows Gretchen the new photo-realistic tattoo of his father he got, placed squarely on his back. That kid had better not turn out to be gay. And if he does, he better be a top, if you know what I mean. Nothing worse than looking down during coitus and seeing some dude's dead father looking back at you. Shudder.
Back in OC, Vicki holds a BBQ to auction off Brianna's maidenhead. I mean, to welcome ChrisPig to the OC. A bunch of randos show up, along with Tamra and her brood. Later, her future-star-of-To-Catch-a-Predator son Ryan shows up to the BBQ. Apparently Tamra hasn't been seeing much of him lately because Simon has banned him from the house for driving Tamra's car without a license while they were in LA. Simon says all he wants is an apology. Over Facebook. Yeah. Facebook. Terrible.
Not that Ryan is that great either, mind you, as we see him later shotgunning beers in the pool with Vicki's impish son and some other random while his 4 year old sister aimlessly floats around nearby. While Simon stands like, 5 feet away, watching and saying nothing. Basically, I mean to say this family is horribly, HORRIBLY depressing. Next scene!
Mercifully, we move on to Alexis, who is stuck at the bottom of her pool, having been dragged there by the two sandbags bolted to her chest she tries to pass off as breasts. Just kidding, she and her creeper husband are going out to a nice dinner. Alexis interviews that she and her husband are "best friends," even though to me it seems like their relationship is more master and servant than friends, but whatever. She says that he has never changed a diaper or helped her with any of the home tasks, but she doesn't mind because "he's my king."
After I finish vomiting and unpause the DVR, the two proceed with their meal. Creeper husband lights a cigar and tucks into a gigantic pile of cocktail shrimp while belittling Alexis and asking her if she worked out today. He goes on to give her a big stupid diamond necklace to dangle in her cleavange and she fawns like a child. She interviews that she is living the fantasy life she dreamed about as a little girl. Really? You dreamed that you'd be starving yourself and maintaining a breakneck workout schedule so you could play house with some Larry the Cable Guy lookalike? Congrats.
Over at Lynne's new modernist Laguna Beach cube, she, her world-weary husband, and two demon spawn have a sit down to talk about their issues. Apparently, the two teens have been "lashing out," so Lynne has called in "Youthologist" Vanessa Van Petten to set the girls straight. Lynne assures the skeptical girls that Vanessa is "cool" and "with it," sounding like Amy Poehler's Cool Mom from Mean Girls.
It appears Vanessa wrote some stupid book about parenting like a child, which somehow makes her qualified to counsel families. She has a sit down with each of the girls as well as the parents, and in the end they come to a "breakthrough" that basically boils down to them needing to talk more and not be beer ho's. Did you feel the earth move? We also learn that Lynne used to do hash brownies, which I would have LOVED to have seen
After a sad scene where Gretchen visits Jeff's gravesite with his kids, we go back to Vicki, who is taking everyone out to dinner to bid farewell to Christopher McPigglesworth as he heads home to far-off Indiana. He politely interviews that he had a good time, and Brianna interviews that the whole thing was terribly awkward and she hated it and she'd never do it again. So that went well.
And now it's time for the final, and perhaps most bizarre segment in RHOC history. In order to blow off some steam and cut loose, Tamra decides to have a bunch of ladies over to play some "Wigged-out Housewife Bunko," in which a bunch of beef jerky people come over, inexplicably wearing wigs, to play some sort of elaborate thinly-veiled excuse to do tequila shots. They should have just played a game of King's, it would have been way faster. Blasts from the past Tammy and Meltybeast Quinn show up as well, which was fun.
Once the game is explained, the ladies proceed to throw dice and scream like monkeys until one of them rolls the right number, after which they take a shot. Alexis gets super competitive and weird, and Tammy gets really slurry and calls Tamra "a bitch, but a fun bitch. Ahluvver." Soon the game ends, and the ladies all presumably drunk-drive home, careening off into the OC night, running into mansions and manservants alike.
The next day, Tamra meets with Ryan at a Mexican restaurant because he's got something imporant to tell her. After some small talk about his foot (which he broke jumping off a tour bus while drunk), and after he orders a Patron shot and a Corona (stay classy!), Ryan tells his mom that he'll be going to jail. See, apparently he was supposed to do community service for his driving offense, but he decided to change it to jail time, since he is a lazy nogoodnik. He's totally all "Whatever, it's just prison. NBD." Tamra gives a painful interview about how much guilt she has, and how she would love to see Ryan succeed at something, and it's obvious that she's keenly aware of the horrible job she did raising him. Sad.
And with that downer of an ending, this week's chapter comes to a close. They seem to be really upping the crazy with his episode, so let's hope it sticks. Next week it appears Tamra and Gretchen have a no doubt heavily-edited smackdown. Could be fun?
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