Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Tale of the Squaretit Grinch

Look at this! Posting a recap at the appropriate time, the morning after the show airs! Crazy, right? Also crazy: Danielle! Seriously, she was so nuts this week. Each episode of this show is 60 minutes of sheer on-edge terror.

Before we get to the Danielle Staub terror-du-jour though, let's talk about Teresa. This week, the Italian Dina Lohan hauled daughter Gia to an audition for a big time movie with current megasuperstar and worldwide heartthrob Christian Slater. Teresa interviews that Gia's acting career has stalled, but her modeling is on the up up up! Still, she wants her baby to be a Liza Minelli triple threat, so she keeps pushing her on the acting.

While Gia is in the other room doing a terrible audition, Teresa demonstrates how she is "so not a stage mom" by rattling off all the ways in which she is a stage mom as the other parents roll their eyes. Note to Teresa: if other stage parents find you to be too overbearing it may be time to re-evaluate.

Later, they learn the unfortunate news that Gia did not get the part, probably because she is a bad actress. However, presumably to not hurt the little girl's feelings, Gia's manager says it's because of her terrible Joisey accent. Teresa is all "Whaddya tawkin about? She ain't got no Joisey accent! Now I'm gonna go drink cuahfee wit da doawgs." Still, they send her off to a weird lady voice coach who looks like an adult baby. They humor her, but Teresa interviews that Gia doesn't think she needs to change her Jersey drawl, and neither does she. I mean, there's tons of roles out there for brassy New Jersey 9 year olds! It's as common a role as "spinster DA" or "black female judge!"

While that whole mess is going on, we move on to Jacqueline, who is having some nice alone girlytime getting her nails done. This seems to be the only form of entertainment available in Franklin Lakes besides causing scenes at cancer benefits and flipping tables, because that is all these ladies do during their downtime. Anyway, Jacky-Tabacky is just having a grand old time gossiping with her nail buffer person when who should show up at the salon totally spontaneously and not pre-staged at all but Kim G! That's right, the Kim G, the new Leia in the gold bikini to Danielle's Jabba.

Kim sits down in the chair right next to Jacqueline, who for her part is very outwardly friendly, though you can tell she's actually like "Awwwww shit." You can also tell that because she basically interviews as such. The two exchange brief pleasantries and then Kim immediately starts to unload about Danielle and crew's psychotic behavior at the sick baby fundraiser. Fortunately for Jacqueline, her baby starts crying from the other room so she is able to interrupt Kim briefly and attend to her child. Pretty soon though Kim is all "Hey! F your baby in the A, I'm tellin a story here!" and continues. She mentions wanting to bring the drama up with Danielle, and Jacqueline is all "LOLZ! Good luck!" because she knows that criticizing Danielle will only lead to you having hydrochloric acid poured on your face while you sleep. Though for Kim that might be a plus, since she's obviously no stranger to a chemical peel.

Ignoring Jacqueline's advice, Kim confronts Danielle that night while they are getting their hurr did for Danielle's 500th birthday bash. Although Kim only brings up the part about Danny calling Chris a faggot, Danielle predictably flies off the rails and gets hyperdefensive. She says that she thought Danny's use of that word was offensive, but didn't want to bring it up at the event, even though she flipped out last season when Teresa's husband called their dance instructor gay. She then crazily starts screaming "WELL SHAME ON THE MANZO'S FOR NOT BEING DOWN THERE AND PUTTING THEIR SON IN THAT POSITION!" completely missing the point that it's the use of the word "faggot" and not to whom it was said that is the issue. I honestly wonder whether she wilfully twists the facts of things, or if that's just something she subconsciously does. Serious Kelly Bensimon territory.

Things get even weirder when Kim G's mother (?) confronts Danielle about the comment as well. This causes Danielle to start crying about how she doesn't need people defending the dreaded Manzo clan on this, her thousandth birthday. Seeing the crazometer ratcheting up before their eyes, Kim Gs young and old back off and they all head back to the party where Danielle gives a bizarre toast to that seems like a veiled death threat. Scary stuff!

The next day things have gone back to normal between the two because Danielle has bigger fish to fry, fish by the name'a Ashley. Yes, JACQUELINE'S DAUGHTER Ashley. Apparently Ashley (that sounds like a failed sitcom: "Apparently Ashley, starring Brooke Sheilds, this fall on ABC"), did not like Danielle's behavior at the Brownstone and in retaliation sent her a facebook message that said something like "I hate you and I hope you burn in hell" or something. Upon receipt of this message, Danielle goes nuts, cursing to herself, pacing in her kitchen, the whole nine terrible yards.

Soon, Kim G shows up, cuz what else does she have to do, and Danielle unloads about the situation. Apparently this isn't the first online war she's had with Ashley. Turns out the girl has set up "hate sites" about Danielle and has been harrassing her for a while. This is bad. Not so much the sentiment about Danielle, because, yeah, she is crazy. But you do not engage the Danielle! You do not provoke the Danielle! She's like the demon in Paranormal Activity, acknowledging her only makes her stronger.

Later that day Teresa and Jacqueline have lunch, and at that point the situation has further spiraled out of control. Danielle has now begun going around town telling anyone who will listen about how Jacqueline's daughter personally went to her house and burned a cross on her lawn while screaming "Heil Hitler!" and tapdancing on an American flag. Jacqueline, understandably concerned, calls her daughter over to figure out the truth. Ashley tells her that she only told her to go to hell, and didn't mail antrax to Danielle's children. Regardless, Jacqueline upbraids her daughter and tells her to cut off all contact with She Who Shall Not Be Named.

That night, the Manzos have'a da bigga Italian'a dinner'a party, and everyone is invited (except the Mantis Queen, obviously). The whole Manzo clan is present, as well as Jacqueline and fam, and Teresa and Joe, who are an hour and a half late. Once the Giudices arrive, they all sit down and have a nice dinner, until Ashley foolishly brings up the Danielle Facebook dramz. Everyone yells at her for getting involved, but Ashely says that she only got involved because Danielle had messaged her saying she needs to loose weight. This prompted Ashley to respond, and I quote, "You need to fix your square tit and you look like a Grinch." HA! HAHAHAHAHA! OMG I LOL'd so hard at that one, and so did the entire table. Everyone was like "HAHA! Ahem, Ashley, that's HA a very bad HAHAHA thing to say AHAHAHAHASQUARETIT LOLZ!" Anyway, after a long venting session, they all vow to never speak of Danielle again. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

Missing from this family dinner is Dina, who instead decides to meet with the Squaretit Grinch to tell her she wants nothing to do with her. While I love the hell out of Dina, this seems a little weird. Why call up a person you have no contact with to tell them you want no contact with them? Seems odd.

Anyway, they agree to meet at some restaurant called "Chakra," just them, woman to woman, although Danielle has Danny sit in the parking lot in case I dunno, Dina tries to stab her or something. Dina sits down, and immediately gets to the point: Danielle was crazy, but Dina thought she could change. However, she actually can't change, and is still crazy and a cancer on society, so she wants nothing to do with her. Danielle, not one to take criticism like this, starts in on her whole "you Manzos hate me and I'm being persecuted" dog and pony show, and things start to get heated.

At which point the episode ends and Bravo is all "WATCH WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WEEK SUCKAS!" and Andy Cohen does a little victory dance on his money pile.

Next week we get the resolution of this fight and we also find out which housewife will be leaving the show in the SHOCKER. OF. THE. SEASON. I'm pretty sure it's going to be Dina, since she's barely been in the season and seems pretty over it. Good for her! Although being my favorite, I'm sad to see her go. Next week should be good!

In the meantime, you should read Dina and Danielle's blogs from the Bravo site. Dina's is AWESOME and Danielle's is characteristically nuts.

It's hard out there for a musclequeen.

This is Christian Matyi, and he is being oppressed. I know! You look at this picture and think, "In what way is this handsome adonis possibly oppressed?" Is he part of a persecuted religious minority? On the receiving end of racism? Is he being gaybashed? No, worse.

He is being persecuted for the crime of having gnarly abs and rock-hard disco tits.

You see, Christian is a professional bodybuilder who recently wrote this piece for The Good Men Project (which I found via Towleroad and reads like an Onion article) about how people are totally mean to him because he has a ridiculous body. According to him, his pursuit of outrageously exaggerated body proportions has put him in a minority class, and because of this he is the subject of daily derision. People bump into him in the supermarket! People comment about how huge his muscles are! People gasp when he takes his shirt off at the beach!

Dude, maybe people bump into you in the supermarket because YOUR SHOULDERS TAKE UP THE WHOLE EFFING AISLE! People gasp and comment on how big your muscles are because THEY ARE FUCKING BIG!

Lest you think his musclegod ambitions stem from a lack of self confidence, he also points out that he totes didn't become a "My Size GI Joe" doll because of insecurities. Nah man, it's just cuz he likes looking totally rad in his tank tops, bro! Not 'cause he's some sort of insecure loser.

Look, I'm all for people doing what they want with their bodies. You want gigantic breasts? A smaller nose? A fourth penetrative oriface? Fine, it's your body, do what you want. However, when you wilfully inflate your body to cartoonish proportions beyond that of a normal human being, you don't get to then complain about unwanted stares or comments about said body. Mr. Matyi doesn't get to complain the same way Heidi Montag doesn't get to complain about the recent media storm over her recent re-boobing and re-facing: you want to mod your body, get used to stares.

Another thing, Chesty McPowerglutes: you don't get to cop minority status. Last I checked, there isn't some sort of oppressed be-pec'd and be-abbed underclass, though they may just do a good job of hiding them. For all I know the factories of South Los Angeles are staffed entirely by men who look like they stepped off a Falcon video shoot (sexxxy!).

So yeah, note to all: rants about how hard it is to be pretty? Not always well received.

Also, I am totally jealous. I can haz powerglutes?

I think I am in love with Lindy West.

Recently, I saw The Worst Film in the History of American Cinema, also known as Sex and the City 2. I've spent a little over a week now trying to verbalize just how terrible the film really was, but was struggling to find the words. Was it because of the terrible writing? The parade of over-the-top Gucci clown suits? The offensive Middle Eastern stereotypes? The scene where SPOLER ALERT Samantha smears estrogen cream on her vagina in the middle of her glass-walled Times Square office, in full view of her assistant? The fact that it is TWO AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS LONG?! The answer to all is yes, but also, so much more!

It was in the midst of ruminating on the shittiness of this film that a friend of mine sent me Lindy West's review from The Stranger, and let me tell you, it is solid gold. She enumerates the film's awfulness with such scathing, hilarious verbage it makes seeing the film almost worthwhile just so you can fully appreciate her rage.

My favorite part:

"Samantha, being the prostitute sexual revolutionary that she is, rages against the machine by publicly grabbing the engorged penis of a man she dubs "Lawrence of My-Labia." When the locals complain (having repeatedly asked Samantha to cover her nipples and mons pubis in the way of local custom), Samantha removes most of her clothes in the middle of the spice bazaar, throws condoms in the faces of the angry and bewildered crowd, and screams, "I AM A WOMAN! I HAVE SEX!" Thus, traditional Middle Eastern sexual mores are upended and sexism is stoned to death in the town square."

Seriously, READ IT! It's worth it for the phrase "emaciated goblin shoulders" alone.

Even if you couldn't give two shits about the movie, or have never heard of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, or Charlotte (lucky you), READ IT!


P.S. Also good, her article about the worst popes ever.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Sick baby shmick baby.

Return! Don't you love how comitted to this blog I am? Couple'a weeks here, couple there, yadda yadda. Continuity be damned! I can't be tied down to your western bourgeois conception of time! What exactly is a "week" anyway? Imperialist.

But yeah, sorry for skipping two weeks worth of episodes. Whoopsies! Basically, in the last 2 weeks Danielle's daughter walked in a fashion show and then barfed, Teresa shot another little princess out of her chuckie, and Danielle got invited to an event AT THE M-FING BROWNSTONE! AWWWWWWWWW SNAP! So yeah, that's where we're at today.

We open with Joe and Teresa heading home from the hospital with new baby Audriana, who they dote on and coo over while their (formerly) youngest id daughter climbs on the banisters, wild hair swinging in the air. Joe says he wants to keep pumpin' Teresa fully babies until a boy shoots out, but she says that she and her chuckie are done poppin out spicy Italian babysausages. She pleads with Joe to get "snipped," which I don't think he appreciates too much.

Meanwhile, in Mordor, Danielle's piercing Sauron mantiseye is searching all of Middle Earth for new friends, ultimately settling on a batty famewhore by the name of Kim G. Kim G, as you may recall, was at Danielle's "Look How Magical My Guts Are" party, and is also the best friend of Caroline's youngest son. Escandalo! Anyway the Dark Lord of Mordor invites her hapless new friend to accompany her to the sick baby benefit, since she doesn't want to go alone. Kim G. aggrees, cuz you know, face time.

Later, Caroline interviews that she and Kim G. are polite acquaintances due to their sons being friends, but they themselves are not friends. Also, she says that Kim invited her to lunch, but she declined because she knew she was friends of the Dreaded Mantis Queen, and therefore didn't want to get entangled in that and hurt their sons friendships. Which, seems reasonable to me, but I guess Kim G. is willing to destroy her son's life for a little slice of Z list reality "fame," so good for her.

Speaking of children and less than stellar parenting, across town Jacqueline meets with her failure of a daughter's boyfriend's mother. The ladies bond, and boyfriendmom tells Jacqueline that her daughter is great, and even cleans the house sometimes! She also assures her that they never let her drink, since she's underage. Then Jacks and boyfriendmom get drunk together and fall over over one another, to an uncomfortable degree. Seriously, they were like thiiiiiis close to making out.

Back at Giudice Junction, it's time for GIA'S NINTH BIRTHDAY! REJOICE FOR SHE IS NINE! Seriously though, since when has 9 been a big deal? It's a nothing birthday! But of course when you're little every birthday is a monumental event. Anyway, billions of screaming almost-tweens come over to the Giudice household, where outside Gia is presented with her gift: a Barbie-pink ATV. Seriously. She hops on that thing and hilariously starts zooming around the property at breakneck speed. It looked very very dangerous. I was on the edge. Of. My. Seat.

After the ATV overturns, Gia escaping mere seconds before it explodes Die Hard-style, the girls pile into a pink stretch limo that says "Sweet and Sassy" (barf) on it and head off to some megasalon where they all get done up and prettified. Teresa interviews that all her daughters are divas and not tomboys. Note to Teresa: divas are demanding bitches whom nobody likes and into whose chianti busboys furtively pee. They are not to be aspired to. Unless you are Beyonce, you cannot brag about being a diva.

The jovial tone of the episode doesn't last long. Dark clouds enter the skies over Franklin Lakes and the songbirds stop singing. The day of reckoning has arrived: THE SICK BABY FUNDRAISER! Kim G arrives in her (probably rented for TV) Bentley, complete with chauffeur, to pick up The Staubinator. Even though Kim says she's her homegirl and has Danielle's back, our gentile stinkblossom still feels unsafe, so her ex-con friend Danny whom we met last week hops into the limo, ready for a confrontation. He also mentions how he is just finishing up his parole, and is ready to crack some skulls. So, in short, totally appropriate guest to bring to a fundraiser for a baby with cancer. Well done, all. I think at this point, Kim G starts to reevaluate her new friendship.

Over at the Manzo fortress, Caroline, Jacqueline, and Teresa are having fun fun girlytime, sipping drinks and trading beauty secrets. Caroline's secret: she shaves her face every day. Every day. She shaves her face. Not making this up. Ok, I get it, some ladies are hairier than others, some require more maintenance, whatever, you can't control your genetics. However, what you can control is disclosing your genetics on a nationally broadcast television show. All I'm saying is, it's an easily kept secret, but maybe Caroline is taking the reality part of this really seriously.

After everyone laughs at Caroline for a little bit, the topic moves as usual to the dreaded Danielle. They toss around the usual insults ("slut," "whore," "psycho," "Nasty McBigbox") and question why she is showing up at the Brownstone. However, since she is "an invited guest," she will be treated as such. Am I the only one who thought it was funny how often they said "invited guest?" Like, they said it a TON. It sounds so medieval, like "I, Danielle, Dutchess of Staub-Mantisia, am an honored guest at Brownstone Manor, and shall be treated accordingly!" I dunno, it was weird.

Over at said manor, Danielle and her crew have arrived! They pull up to the Brownstone in their Rentley (ZING) with much flair. Chris, the youngest Manzo, is doing valet duty. Having been instructed by his mother to "not engage," he avoids Danielle. However, she walks up to him, shakes his hand, and says thanks for having her. He responds politely. For a minute we're all like "Hey wow! Danielle isn't such a horrible sociopathic monster after all!" But then she interviews that the greeting was meant as a coded "fuck you" to the Manzos, and we're reminded that she is indeed a sociopathic monster. Oh well.

Oh! Also showing up at the Brownstone at that time is the TEAM OF HELLS ANGELS Danny hired as added protection. So, to recap, Danielle brought Kim G, ex-con Danny, and a team of Hells Angels. To a sick baby fundraiser. Without paying. Class. Act.

Danielle interviews that since she is an HONORED GUEST (again with the honored guest stuff!), she should be allowed to bring whomever she deems appropriate. The Manzos will pay for such slighting of the Sick Baby Jubilee's Honored Guest!

So anyway, they enter, and there isn't space to fit Danielle's 20 deep crew, because, you know, they weren't invited and didn't RSVP. Danielle says that this was a fully intended slap in the face from the Manzos, because they are psychic and have her body bugged, so they should have known she'd be bringing her swarthy band of escaped convicts.

The "slight" also causes Danny to go off the rails, pacing around, yelling at caterers and dropping f-bombs and threatening to kill everyone in the building. Seriously, at one point he asks Danielle what he should do, and she just says "I don't care, just don't hurt the child's family," basically authorizing her band of maniacs to rough up the attendees of a cancer baby benefit. Again: class act.

Even though the Brownstone staff accomodates her ridiculous demands and set up a table for her entourage, she is not satisfied, and says that she wants to leave "with dignity." Ummm, I think you lost your dignity when you brought a gang of Hells Angels to the benefit, sorry.

So, in order to preserve her dubious dignity, she and her crew leave the benefit, but not before Danny threatens the staff a little bit more and yells about the Manzo's being punks. As they leave, Danielle tells everyone that they were kicked out of the event, even though the episode clearly shows that she left of her own volition. Though, they should have been kicked out for real for you know, threatining to kill everyone in the building. Sigh...

Anyway, Danielle et al pull off in their pumpkin coach and the episode draws to an end. What a crazy chapter of this epic Jersey ballad! It's always amazing how huge of a disconnect there is between Danielle's actions and her memory of the events. She is fast becoming the Kelly Bensimon of RHONJ. But whatever, I'm glad the dramz is finally starting to pick up on this season! Next episode has a big blowout between Dina and Danielle, which should be pretty entertaining.

Until then, I leave you with this article about how Teresa and Joe owe 11 million dollars and their house is being foreclosed upon. Merry Christmas!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: In which Danielle does an hour-long mash-up of "Mommie Dearest" and "Gypsy."

Week two! The Deuce! Two episodes into the second season of RHONJ, and shit hyst keeps getting better. We got mother-daughter fights, mother-daughter bonding, mother projecting all her hopes, dreams, and unrealized ambitions onto daughter, and brother-brother-sister ham fights. What the eff more could you want?!

We start this week's episode with Danielle, who is showing off her dilapidated hive to her real estate agent and "good friend." Honestly, I think to qualify as one of Danielle's "good friends" you just have to have a pulse and the resolve to look her in the eyes without bursting into tears and crapping your pants. Other "good friends" of Danielle: Carlos the grocery store bag boy, Sharon at the highway toll booth, and Patches, the hobo outside Walgreens who carries his feces around with him in a mason jar.

Anyway, Danielle shows off her crumbling manse, pointing out the faulty wiring, peeling wood panels, small electrical fires, and her most prized posession: her bidet. Seriously, she was all "this is the bidet, which I think is very very important." She went on and on, and I kept barfing and barfing. Later, they sit down, and Danielle starts crying and over-sharing to the real estate agent until she winds up hanging herself with a loose electrical wire, and then Danielle just continues talking to her corpse.

Once we leave Grey Gardens 2: Franklin Lakes, it’s off to lunch with Jackée, Teresa, and Caroline, where they talk about how Teresa is late all the time before setting their sights on poor Jacks. The whole Danielle ex-friendship thing is still a big deal, apparently, and both push her to give up the goat (literally. Danielle is a goat). Jacquee, kind, simple soul that she is, says she's still going to be cordial, and Caroline tells her she smells like trash, or something to that effect. Poor Jacqueline. Oh, and Caroline also says that Danielle's children have had their souls stolen by their demon mother.

Once Caroline and Teresa finish devouring Jacqueline with a side of red sauce, it's off to the Manzo household for the best scene of the night. The Manzospawn Three are caught in media res playing the famed Ham Game. What is the Ham Game, you ask? Why, it's the game where people take ham out of the fridge, and fling it at each other and all over the house. There was ham on people’s faces, ham on the cabinets, ham on the walls, ham on the ham, ham EVERYWHERE. It was like the aftermath of some sort of weird porno.

So, the kids are having a grand old time hamming one-another until Caroline comes home, at which point they all freeze in terror, knowing their mother’s extreme dislike of the Ham Game. Caroline knows all there is to know about the Ham Game. There is nothing good that can come from the Ham Game, she says. Nothing. The kids try to suggest that she buy cheap ham just for throwing, but she is adamant: No ham game, so they give up the goat (what is Danielle doing at the Manzos in the first place?), and we move on. Ham Game!

Next, it’s back to Danielle’s Zerg Lair, where she has exciting news to deliver to her dead-eyed daughter Christine: IMG Models wants to siiiiign heeeeeer! Danielle goes on and on about how great this is, and the daughter is like “Oh, cool. Yeah, that sounds fun” in her zombie voice. Seriously, more dead-eyed than the Kardashians.

So, the two head off to New York City for Christine’s big fashion shoot, and it’s with Noted Fashion Photographer (and Kelly Bensimon ex) Gilles Bensimon. Christine stands in front of the camera with her deep-sea stare and Danielle watches, loudly saying how beeeeeaaautifuuuul and goooooorgeous everything is, feeling free to get her Gypsy on. At the end of the shoot she weasels herself into the shoot, being all “Oh, what? Me? Take a photo? I simply couldn’t.” before immediately finding the light and mugging for the camera.

Also there was a woman there named Brandusa, presumably the terrifying Greek patron god of healthy digestion. This fact is inconsequential, but I had to point out ahat a dumb name that is.

Not to be upstaged, Teresa and her daughter Gia head to a local Jersey PR company to try out for a fashion show. Teresa is proud of her daughter, who is uncomfortably good at the whole pageant talk thing. However, Danielle interviews that she doesn’t see Gia being a model, since she’s not even 4 feet. Which would be a valid criticism if the girl wasn’t 7 years old, you psycho.

But anyway, the audition goes well, and she winds up getting the part, hopefully setting the stage for a bitchy walk off between the daughters in the next episode.

Over at Sad Clown Hollow (aka Jacqueline’s house), she, Teresa, Dina, and Caroline are talking about babies and such. Not much of note happens, but they do talk for an uncomfortably long time about how one’s “chuckie” gets puffy during pregnancy and/or after prolonged lovemaking. They would keep talking about this fact, but Jackie’s baby starts crying and barfing, presumably from all the puffychuckies.

Meanwhile, Danielle is busily planning a congratulatory party for Christine’s success, to which neither Christine nor any of her friends are invited. Yeah, see, by congratulatory party, I meant “I’m Danielle look at me” party. Seriously, that’s pretty indefensible, right? I mean, I know there’s editing and stuff, but how is there a good angle to having a party for your daughter that she’s not invited to?

Anyway, Danielle extends an invitation to both Dina and Jacqueline, who politely decline because they aren’t particularly fond mantis cuisine. However, the next day at the party, we see that Danielle left chairs for them anyway so she has an opportunity to talk shit on them to her other “friends,” who were mainly people we had never seen and then Kim the Mantis. As custom when around other she-mantids, Danielle makes Kim and the other ladies swear their allegiance to her before they can leave. Apparently, there’s been rumors that a few of them were also friends with the dreaded Caroline Manzo. Danielle cannot abide by this, and to quell her fury, the ladies link mandibles in a circle, and their allegiance is sworn. For now.

And that was that! Until next time, friends, when Danielle jealously pushes Gia down the stairs before her fashion show, sealing Christine’s fate as the new star of “Goddess.” Can’t wait!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Danielle is Terrifying

Helloooooo! Yes, it's me, Odysseus, Back from the seas! As you've probably noticed (all 2 of you), I kinda stopped recapping RHONY. It was fun at first, but this season is kinda lackluster, and other sites recap it better way than I ever could. So, I decided to take a breaksy-waksey.

BUT! With the return of these Jersey broads, I too return. Cuz seriously, how could I not? These ladies are amazing, and have quickly become my favorite series of the franchise. I think it's because they are all so real-seeming while simultaneously being the most insane too. A good combination that the other Real Housewives lack. So anyway, let's get started!

This season's marble and onyx curtain opens on Jacqueline. Formerly sad, barren Jackywacks is now beaming and fecund, having birthed her new baby boy into the world. While we weren't privy to the actual birth like that episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians where Kourtney unenthusiastically pulls her own baby out of her body, we do get to see the afterglow. Caroline and family come to visit and coo over the baby, and the whole thing is admittedly very heartwarming. Caroline remarks that the baby has helped to heal wounds from last season's explosion. "Babies: Putting a band-aid over a much larger and more serious emotional wound since the dawn of time (TM)."

Speaking of Caroline, next it's off to the Big Apple to buy a suit for her newly small apple-sized husband. Apparently a doctor had told him that if he didn't cut back on the calzones his heart and entire torso were going to explode like that scene from Monty Python and the Meaning of Life. So, he let his new life begin, called 1-800-GET-SLIM, and got the LAP-BAND. Now he is svelte and ready to...melt? Yeah, nothing sexy rhymes with "svelte." Anyway, he looks good, and Caroline was happy. As Andy Cohen would say, mazel!

Next, it's on to Danielle. Terrifying, heart palpitation-inducing Danielle. Seriously, each time she appeared on the screen I got a bout of nervous diarrhea (although not for three weeks like she said she had last season). The evil she-mantis and her two mindblowingly normal and level-headed children go clothes shopping at some bizarre boutique called "Posche," which I thought was "Porsche" for a good half of the episode. The store, decorated like a Spirit Halloween Superstore, is staffed by another puffy lipped Jerseymantis by the name of Kim. She and Danielle excitedly say hello by rubbing their spiked forelegs together in the traditional mantis greeting and exchange pleasantries. Looks like these two have become close over the past year. So close, in fact, that when Kim's mantismother was sick, Danielle was the first to come by and bring her a heaping bowl of aphids.

Once Danielle purchases some clothes and lays a fresh ootheca in the dressing room, it's off to the salon to have her face shellacked and re-sanded! Not much happens here, other than Danielle oversharing to her other BFF/beautician about Dina and how much she hates her. Danielle casts all kinds of shade, saying that Dina used to be a beautician, "stocking shelves and doing nails." How shameful! Nothing like the ever so refined and classy way Danielle spent her youth, stripping and getting arrested. Not at all.

About that Dina! Not much happened with her this episode. She seems like she might be laying low and staying out of the fray more this season. We see her at home alone, talking to and about her cats, which I guess in retrospect was a little strange. But, girl looks GREAT. She is still my favorite, so pretty and quick with the one liners and f-bombs. She seems like she'd be fun to go to a bar with or something. In fact, she is officially invited to my fantasy dinner party with Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Pandora Boxx. Maybe I'll make red sauce...

WHICH IS WHAT TERESA WAS DOING! (Yes! Suck on that segue y'all!) The whole Giudice clan: a very pregnant Teresa, Joe, their grownup-faced children, Teresa's very very Italian parents, Joe's very Italian mother, and the Giudice babysitter all got together to make a gigantic batch of a-redda-saucea for-a da pasta. For some reason, I love how Italian Teresa is. Like, not in a make a dress out of the Italian flag and wear 6 Bumpits sort of way, but a speak Italian and make red sauce way. I dunno, the whole thing was cute. Except for the part where Teresa and her father asked the babysitter if she was having her period. That was weird and gross. Apparently according to Italian tradition, being on your period while making red sauce will spoil the tomatoes. On her blog Teresa says you can learn more about why in her cookbook, but honestly I'm good. I don't need more details. Really.

Something I would like more details about, though, is the $1000 a plate benefit Caroline threw for the sheriff at her home. Not the sheriff's office or a cause they support, but the sheriff himself. Strange, no? But anyway, Manzos one and all threw a big benefit, and everyone was invited. Everyone except for fearsome post-copulation lover-ingesting Danielle. Ms. Staub was sure to mention several times that she could "care less" whether she was invited, and didn't care at all, and didn't even want to go, and then proceeded to drive to Caroline's house, children in tow, to circle the place and throw molotov cocktails through her windows. She's all "I don't care, I really don't care at all. Not one iota. Honey, could you pass momma the pigs head from the backseat? Thanks." Ultimately, Danielle's children managed to convince her to call off her stalking mission after they basically told her she looked so crazy right now and it wasn't going to end in her favor. Again, how did these two wind up being so normal? It boggles the mind.

Meanwhile, at the party, everyone was blissfully unaware of how close they all came to being engulfed in a blazing inferno of hellfire and were making merry and getting super drunk. Naturally, the topic quickly moved to Danielle, and Kim from Posche (why was she there? Is she going to join the cast? I hope not.) and her husband join in on the fun. Both of them are like blackout-level drunk at that point and say all kinds of mean stuff about Danielle. Kim's all "Aannndyeah, shess a ssssmellybitch. And thossss aphhhhhids she gave my mom were dissssssssgustin." So much for that friendship! She better watch out. She of all people should know that mantids have no qualms eating their own kind. None at all.

So yeah, that was that for the premiere! What did you think? I LOVED IT. I really forgot how enjoyable these ladies are. Right now, I think my ranking for Real Housewives series is like this, from best to worst: NJ, OC, NY, ATL.

Really though, I can't wait for this season to unfold. The previews promise plenty of catfights, cursing, and apparently a fight between Danielle and Jacqueline. I CAN'T WAIT!

P.S. PLEASE read Danielle's blog on the Bravo site. It is INSANE. Bitch is out for blood.

Real Housewives of NYC Recap: "I will not be IGNORED, Bethenny!"

Seriously, these ladies are out of control! This week we saw even more fights than the last, and they were way more explosive. Someone needs to rein them all in before shots are fired!

We started the episode at Chez Skinnybooze, where Bethenny and her assistant/BFF discuss a recent article in the New York Post that says Bethenny has no friends, and she wasn't invited to LuAnn's Ungaro party, Jill's Saks Fifth Avenue Party, the Perez Hilton Party, or Little Billy Miller's batting cages 6th birthday party. These women are children.

Anyway, Bethenny suspects Jill planted the story, since it mentioned several events that only Jill and a few other people would know about. Nice detective work! This theory was further proven by the article's companion blind item, "Which Red-Headed NYC Housewife/Jewish Beauty is the Greatest Woman on the Face of the Planet?"

While Bethenny fumes, stomps her feet, and beats her chest, Kelly is busy fawning and drooling over a reporter from Playboy sent to interview her. Kelly gets all goo-goo eyed and giggles like a semi-retarded little girl, but interviews that she acted all cool and sexy and shit. I would love to see the world through her eyes, just for a day. What a wonderful place it must be! Everyone loving you, being obsessed with you, thinking you're great, thinking you're totally fun and whimsical for jogging in the middle of the street. What a life! However, she must not have been acting too dumb, since the guy asks for her digits at the end.

Next, it's off to the faraway Hamptons where LuAnn and daughter Victoria share an intimate moment. Victoria is drawing a shoe, and LuAnn goes "What is that? A shoe? Ya drawin shoes?" Victoria says she is, and LuAnn replies "Well maybe I should setcha up with one of those internships. Maybe at Catherine Malandrino or something. I know her." To this Victoria unenthusiastically replies "Yeah...I guess." Yeah, I know, how boring, right? Being handed an internship at a big name designer even though the most fashion stuff you've done is draw shoes on paper. How goddamned boring. It's not like people scratch and claw people's eyes out for an opportunity like that or anything.

So yeah, they chat a bit more about how they miss the city and are bored, and then it's off to Cipriani (Bravo must have a sponsorship from them or something for how often they show that place), where Alex arranges a meeting of the minds to plan for the oh-so-prestigious Brooklyn Fashion Week(end). You see, in addition to the regular New York Fashion Week, apparently Brooklyn has a weekend where they trot out people who make clothes out of plastic bags or coke bottles or something. And, being as Alex and Simon are the co-reigning Queens of Brooklyn, they are naturally on the planning committee.

Also present to plan this mess are Dobby the Day Gay, Ramona, Kelly, and Bethenny. Before they get to business, Bethenny brings up the NYP article, and says that she thinks it was Jill who planted it. This causes Kelly to launch into a non-sequitor tirade about how mean Bethenny was to her last season, even though they had just called a truce. Bethenny and Kelly fly into a big heated fight, yelling at each other until Alex flips her wig and screams "STOP RUINING THIS! THIS IS ABOUT ME! AND BROOKLYN! ALEX! BROOKLYN! QUEEN! STOP!"

So the storm abates for a minute, and the ragtag band of Brooklyn designers begin to file in. The designers show off their wares, being all "This is a corset made out of Otter Pop wrappers!" or "This is a skirt I made entirely out of banana peels and apple cores!" Which is to say, the designs were terrible, and the ladies shit all over them.

However, eventually they find a designer who is actually decent, and the ladies all agree to pick him. Alex and Ramona bound off to try on dresses, leaving Kelly and Bethenny to hash things out, which they ultimately do, calling yet another dubious "truce." Then, Ramona returns to the table and tries to pull a Catherine Trammell, unzipping the bottom of her dress so her cooter almost comes out.

Once her work is done there, Ramona moves on to lunch with her weirdo friend Zorba or whatever her name was. There, Ramona opens up about how her father was a violent jerk who hit her mom and would break shit and stuff, and breaks down into tears. Sad. That does explain why Ramona is so crazy all the time. But, yeah, humanizing. A window in to the soul of Ramona.

Next, it's off to Kelly's house, where she is gossiping to her assistant/BFF (she and Bethenny really do have a lot in common) about her Playboy interview. She says that she wound up deciding not to go on a date with him, since she doesn't want to mix business with pleasure. Next, she gets an e-mail from Jill that's like "Hey doodoo head. I hear you are being nice to that fartbreath Bethenny. Pick! Me or her! You're a jerkface!" Kelly interviews that Jill is being irrational and immature. When Kelly fucking Bensimon thinks you're being childish, you have a problem.

Speaking of Jill, next we head off to her house! LuAnn comes over, this time bearing a gift for Jill: a pimp cup. Seriously, she gave her a gigantic goblet with "Go Big or Go Home" written on it, apparently because that's Jill's motto? LuAnn finds the whole thing hilarious, and is laughing so hard she's in tears. She says she saw it in a store window and just thought it was too funny. Can you picture that? LuAnn walking down the street and then seeing the pimp cup in the window of some convenience store and just fucking losing it, and being like "That is PERFECT for Jill." Oh man, what I would have given to see that.

However, the laughter soon comes to an abrupt end when Bethenny calls Jill to talk things over. Jill shadily puts Bethenny on speakerphone without telling her that LuAnn is in the room. Bethenny says she wants to talk about what happened, but Jill isn't having it and completely goes off the wire, saying that Bethenny doesn't care about her and is ingrateful and ignored Bobby when he had cancer. Bethenny says she had no idea that Bobby was that sick, and that she sent flowers and e-mailed. Plus, she has a hard time believing that if Bobby was that sick Jill would be going to all the parties and places she went this summer. This causes Jill to go completely apeshit and she yells "YOU KNOW WHAT BETHENNY?! WE ARE DONE!" and hangs up. Bethenny, clearly upset by this, starts crying.

And that was the show! Whew! What a tense end! Is it just me or was Jill completely out of control this week. Like, Fatal Attraction bunny boiler territory. She seems pathological in her desire to weasel her way into every aspect of her friends lives to an unhealthy level. In that respect, she's actually more like Single White Female than Fatal Attraction. Fatal White Female, let's call it.

So yeah, like I said, what a doozie! This season is really serving it up. Next week looks like mainly a post-mortem episode about the fight, but hopefull there'll be more salacious shit too. Until next week!