Phrew! After a week of being on pins and needles, we will finally get to see Episode Two: Armani Prive Trains Strike Back. For those who didn’t watch last week, or are too lazy to scroll further on this blog to read the recap (sloth is a deadly sin, BTW. Just sayin'), Rachel had requested that Armani add a train to Annie's Oscar dress. However, Rachel hates the first option they give her, so now they are down to one train left. Rachel had better like the second look, or Mr. Armani will have her head on a fabulous tulle-enshrouded platter.
So, the second model comes out and….everyone loves it (surprise surprise). They all agree that it looks very modern and gorgeous, though I actually thought it looked kind of fugly, like someone stapled your grandmother’s lace tablecloth onto the models back. But whatevs, I guess that’s why I’m not an arthropodian Hollywood stylist.
Anyway, after everyone stops congratulating everybody giving each other reach-arounds, Rachel says that she has a good feeling about the dress, but she will OF COURSE have to see it on Anne, leaving the opportunity for Bravo to craft some made up plot tension, since obviously Anne Hathaway will be wearing the fucking Armani gown after all this commotion.
Later the gang meet to discuss their Oscar game plan. Rachel informs Brad that he will be with Anne all day on Oscar day, meaning he will essentially be handling everything. Rachel assures him it is a big responsibility, and she doesn’t want any fuckups like last year, when Cameron Diaz nearly killed herself and a bus load of blind children because Brad forgot to give her nipple covers to hide her jumblies. So, NO MISTAKES BRAD OR RACHEL WILL EAT YOUR HEAD LIKE THE PRAYING MANTIS SHE IS!
In addition to Anne Hathaway, Team Zoe will also be styling Demi Moore for the Oscar party she is co-hosting with Madonna. What's up with people who aren’t nominated or even associated with the Oscars at all hosting lavish afterparties? It’s like they think by having their name associated with a related event, everyone will just assume they were nominated. It just seems kind of desperate, but whatever. Anyway, after rejecting several perfectly fine dresses, Tay Tay and Rach settle on an oversexed Morticia Adams ensemble.
After some SexyBack-knockoff interstitial music, it’s CHAOS AT THE THOMPSON! Makeup Gay is hurriedly prepping Rachel for the Marc Jacobs show, which she absolutely must be on time for. Apparently, last year she was late and it was the scandal of fashion week. Or at least, was mentioned in passing by a gossip website. We never said modesty was her strong suit. They all hop in an SUV and race across town to the show, arriving in time to see Marc’s bizarre line of psychedelic acid bubbe creations.
With fashion week now officially over, Team Zoe head back to LA. Though they have a lot on their plate for Oscar week, they still have regular styling duties, and today Rachel and Taylor are out doing a “personal shop” for Liv Tyler. Taylor is still upset about the Jennifer Garner InStyle miscommunication, but Rachel essentially tells her to STFU, so she lets it go. With that settled, we’re treated to a hilarious shopping montage of the two getting looks for Liv as Rachel shouts “She will LIV(E). IN. THAT.” after nearly every outfit. Puns!
Later at the studio, Ms. Tyler arrives and is delightfully charming. Apparently Brad has done a lot of styling stuff with her in the past, so they are basically BFF’s now. What proceeds is a ten minute advertisement for Liv Tyler, as she trys on a bunch of looks and Rachel and Brad tell her how faaaaabulous she looks. Rachel relays a funny story about how she and Rodger were watching a movie of Liv’s, and during a scene where Ms. Tyler pulls out a boob (because lobbing out one tit is totally classier than showing the pair), Rodger screamed “GROSS!” and barfed all over the place, since apparently he and Liv are old friends. Anyway, Liv is pleased with the looks assembled, and happily bounds off to cyclops WeHo in her new Marc Jacobs romper.
Back at the Zoe homestead, Rachel tells Rodger that she thinks Brad might have a repeat of last year, and she worries he will fuck things up. Rodger assures her that Brad has done a lot of living and growing since then, so he’ll do fine. It’s not like it’s surgery or anything. Rachel counters that “It is actually surgery!” Apparently Brad will also be removing Ms. Hathaway’s appendix on Oscar day in addition to styling her look.
Across town, Taylor phones Brad in the studio to try and get him to help her style Jen Garner’s shoot. Brad refuses, since he’s too busy with Oscar prep. Taylor interviews that Brad was initially hired to help Taylor, so she doesn’t understand why he isn’t helping her. Except he is, since he is doing all the styling for Anne Hathaway, which Taylor would assumedly be doing instead if he didn’t work there. But who’s keeping track.
Whatever though, Brad has bigger fish to fry since Rachel has just told him that ANNE NEEDS A SECOND GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING LOOK! Apparently in addition to being nominated, she’s also participating in a musical number with Hugh Jackman at the beginning, which means she needs a dress she’ll be able to move in. However, like most things on this ridiculous show, it’s not nearly as big of a problem as they make it out to be, since they find a dress that will work within minutes.
Later, another bomb is dropped: they will only have one hour with Anne to do a fitting. IMPOSSIBLE! It takes years to put dresses on skinny actresses, not one mere hour! He’s not a magician! He phones Rachel, who is typically freaking about the news. Makeup Gay tries to lighten the mood, saying they should just throw some American Apparel leggings on her and call it a day. The two boys then have an impromptu Flashdance party, having a grand old time until Marisa comes in and gives them serious sideye, shitting all over everything as usual. What a bitch.
Anyway, Anne comes over (which we don’t get to see, because she’s an actual celebrity), and both looks looked great on her. They’ve also decided to not use either train on the dress, which I’m sure Armani will be thrilled about. The nerve of dat broad!
Before Rachel leaves, she says she needs to talk to Brad about his attitude. “Brad… you have a Braditude” she says earnestly. “A moody. Snarky. Braditude.” Brad says he didn’t realize he was doing it, but he’ll try to be more upbeat, though he counters that Rachel also has an attitude. Rachel says she is passive aggressive, not snarky. There’s a difference.
Things aren’t all scalding-city for Brad though. Rachel fills him in on the wonderful news that HE. WILL. BE. GOING. TO. THE . OSCARS. WITH. ANNE. HATHAWAY. Apparently he’ll be there to help her change her outfits and make sure there aren’t any wardrobe problems. After Brad finishes crying and regains sanity, they both talk about what a surreal experience this is.
Finally, it’s Oscar day! Except for a fiasco involving nude leotard underwear and Anne Hathaway almost breaking out into a rash, the day goes swimmingly. Rachel says that Annie looked gorgeous and her body was out of control. I’m hoping she means out of control as in had explosive diarrhea and was convulsing all over the place, but I think she means it in a good way (sigh).
The next day all three Zoeians recap the previous day’s events. Brad had a crazy good time backstage at the Oscars, getting to see all of his favorite celebrities including Zac Efron, who he LOVES (which is kind of creepy considering Brad is like 32 and Zac Efron looks 12, but whatever). Since she hates fun and laughter, Taylor scowls and yells from the couch that she would rather shoot herself than go to the Oscars, and this conversation makes her want to slit her wrists. And with that, the episode ends. What a positive way to close things!
So anyway, that was that episode. One of the best, if only because it introduced “Braditude” into my life. Next week there’s dramz about Rachel being too skinny, so that should be really good. Visible spinal column y'all!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
I love Glee.
Ok, I know I'm way late on this since every single site has already sung it's praises through and through, but can I just talk about how awesome Glee is?
I'm ashamed to say I missed the first glimpse of this amazingness back in May when Fox aired the pilot, so Wednesday was my first exposure to the program, and from the very beginning I loved it
Glee is both racy and self-deprecating while at the same time delivering Disney-Channel-TV-movie level schmaltz. Because of this, it strangely succeeds in being both envelope-pushing and heart-warming. Seriously, what other show would have a guidance counselor making gag reflex jokes to a teen and then have that teen go on and sing an earnest tear-filled rendition of Rihanna's "Take a Bow." Or have premature ejaculation gags right after a tender high school first kiss. It's like High School Musical: After Dark.
Speaking of which, have I mentioned the musical numbers? Interwoven throughout each episode are Glee Club renditions of pop hits of yesterday and today. Passed off as club practices and performances, the tunes also serve to further the plotline, like when Kanye West's "Gold Digger" is performed coincidentally right after Mr. Schuester goes house shopping with his greedy wife, or when the club circumvents Mr. Schuester and performs a hilariously scandalous rendition of "Push It" at the school assembly to literally push the limits of what a Glee Club should sing. Though not a traditional musical in the "I'm randomly and inexplicably singing my feelings out loud" sort of way, the musical numbers are so over the top and earnest that they still serve the same function even though they are ostensibly grounded in reality.
Beyond that though, the best part of the show are the characters themselves. Glee is full of hilarious caricatures of familiar high school archetypes: You have the queeny gay kid, the overachieving awkward girl, the doofy jock love interest, the bitchy cheerleader, the token sassy black girl, and a kid in a wheelchair (referred to as half of a person at one point). While at first you could write them off as tired stereotypes, which to a certain extent they are, each character is written with love and a fresh sense of humor which keeps them from feeling stale. Sure, the Asian girl is awkward, but she also mimes giving the crippled kid a blowjob during a dance number. The gay kid may be a queen, but he's also endearing and gets some of the best laughs of the show, and they don't come from playing off his limp-wristedness.
The greatest asset to the cast, however, comes in the form of the impeccable Jane Lynch. Hugely underrated and arguably one of the best comedic actresses/ power lesbians of recent record, she shines in her role as Sue Sylvester, William McKinley High's surly cheerleading coach and uber-villain, ceaselessly plotting to put an end to the Glee Club by any means necessary. Lynch's deadpan delivery of her hilariously evil lines made me literally LOL with almost everything she said. Even her facial expressions are amazing.
Exhibit A:
That stare is cold as ice!
Seriously though, the first scene where she is ultra-aggressively trying to intimidate Mr. Schuester into cancelling the Glee Club is comedic gold.
Glee is one of those rare shows that manages to be smart, sassy, and fresh without being too cheesy, too twee, or trying too hard. It's both honest and ridiculous, and its completely amazing. A+ DYNAMITE!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Greatest Story Ever Told
A lot of shows are thrown around as being ground-breaking, poignant, or "must-see." You've got your 30 Rocks, your Sopranos, your Seinfelds, etc. However, always left off of that list is the greatest, most inspiring show ever to hit the airwaves. Thats right, I'm talking about...
Seriously though, for those of you who aren't watching Frankie & Neffe, you NEED TO BE. It's got everything a good show needs: laughter, tears, drama, high camp, wigs, dentures, catch phrases, everything.
For those unfamiliar with the concept of the show, Frankie & Neffe is a spin-off of BET's Keyshia Cole vehicle, Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is. Ostensibly about the R&B singer and her ups and downs in the music industry, the real breakout stars of the series were her elder, emotionally unstable sister Neffe (short for Neffeteria, which I like to think is a portmanteau of Nefertiti+Cafeteria) and her former crack-addicted biological mother Frankie, who is basically a black Jerri Blank.
Really.
The issues in Keyshia's life may have dictated the overarching narrative of the series, but the real reason viewers tuned in was to see Neffe cry and rage and see Frankie pick fights with Keyshia's adoptive parents. Keyshia may have been the figurehead, but Frankie and Neffe were running the show.
Recognizing this, BET ended The Way It Is after three seasons and went ahead and gave Frankie and Neffe an eponymous reality show of their own. Now free of the restraints of the Keyshia narrative, though assumingly still living off her money, the ladies are free to focus on themselves and their own lives.
But wait! Feel good self-help program this is NOT. Sure, they talk about growing and self actualizing and they see life coaches, but in practice, this usually leads to fighting, crying, and shouting out non-sequitor catch phrases (mainly just Frankie on that last one. Man down!). The show has an ostensible self-improvement narrative, but the real purpose of the show is to see the women's antics. Sort of like how everyone on The Bad Girls Club talks about how they're on the show to change, as if they didn't know that the real reason they're there is to get black out drunk and gouge out eachothers eyes.
The show exists at the crossroads where VH1 trash reality TV and TLC/A&E learning shows intersect, creating a new genre of reality show which I'll dub Trashucation.
For instance, this week's episode was "about" Neffe taking the advice of her life coach, and making an effort to put more trust in Frankie. To do this, she decides to allow her children to spend the night at their granny's house, something she's never done. This quicky tailspins into into Frankie going on a junk food shopping spree at the dollar store, letting the kids run amok, and then passing out because taking care of the kids is hard work, leaving them to their own devices. Making matters worse, she leaves them unattended with her ex-boyfriend Zo, who Neffe despises, leading to a huge explitive-riddled blowup in front of the children.
So there you have it, the show starts as a narrative on trust building and mother-daughter bonding, but mainly consists of child abandonment, crying, and passionate screaming matches. Trashucation.
Another draw to the show, as mentioned above, are Frankie's many catch phrases. These gems are uttered at any time, in any circumstance. Frankie has the kids for the night? It's a "man down situation." Get in a fight with Neffe? "CODE TEN!" Make up with Neffe? "CODE TEN MAN DOWN SITUATION!" Don't know the answer to a question? "Details at eleven!" They could make a Frankie pullstring doll with all these bankable catchphrases. In fact, I'm trademarking that idea. You hear me BET?!
All in all, Frankie & Neffe offers the perfect mix of feel goodisms and schadenfreude that allow you to unabashedly say you watch the show to your friends, all the while knowing that the real reason you're watching is to see these two hot messes in action. It's a guilt-free win-win situation. Or should I say man down situation.
Seriously, watch it.
Seriously though, for those of you who aren't watching Frankie & Neffe, you NEED TO BE. It's got everything a good show needs: laughter, tears, drama, high camp, wigs, dentures, catch phrases, everything.
For those unfamiliar with the concept of the show, Frankie & Neffe is a spin-off of BET's Keyshia Cole vehicle, Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is. Ostensibly about the R&B singer and her ups and downs in the music industry, the real breakout stars of the series were her elder, emotionally unstable sister Neffe (short for Neffeteria, which I like to think is a portmanteau of Nefertiti+Cafeteria) and her former crack-addicted biological mother Frankie, who is basically a black Jerri Blank.
Really.
The issues in Keyshia's life may have dictated the overarching narrative of the series, but the real reason viewers tuned in was to see Neffe cry and rage and see Frankie pick fights with Keyshia's adoptive parents. Keyshia may have been the figurehead, but Frankie and Neffe were running the show.
Recognizing this, BET ended The Way It Is after three seasons and went ahead and gave Frankie and Neffe an eponymous reality show of their own. Now free of the restraints of the Keyshia narrative, though assumingly still living off her money, the ladies are free to focus on themselves and their own lives.
But wait! Feel good self-help program this is NOT. Sure, they talk about growing and self actualizing and they see life coaches, but in practice, this usually leads to fighting, crying, and shouting out non-sequitor catch phrases (mainly just Frankie on that last one. Man down!). The show has an ostensible self-improvement narrative, but the real purpose of the show is to see the women's antics. Sort of like how everyone on The Bad Girls Club talks about how they're on the show to change, as if they didn't know that the real reason they're there is to get black out drunk and gouge out eachothers eyes.
The show exists at the crossroads where VH1 trash reality TV and TLC/A&E learning shows intersect, creating a new genre of reality show which I'll dub Trashucation.
For instance, this week's episode was "about" Neffe taking the advice of her life coach, and making an effort to put more trust in Frankie. To do this, she decides to allow her children to spend the night at their granny's house, something she's never done. This quicky tailspins into into Frankie going on a junk food shopping spree at the dollar store, letting the kids run amok, and then passing out because taking care of the kids is hard work, leaving them to their own devices. Making matters worse, she leaves them unattended with her ex-boyfriend Zo, who Neffe despises, leading to a huge explitive-riddled blowup in front of the children.
So there you have it, the show starts as a narrative on trust building and mother-daughter bonding, but mainly consists of child abandonment, crying, and passionate screaming matches. Trashucation.
Another draw to the show, as mentioned above, are Frankie's many catch phrases. These gems are uttered at any time, in any circumstance. Frankie has the kids for the night? It's a "man down situation." Get in a fight with Neffe? "CODE TEN!" Make up with Neffe? "CODE TEN MAN DOWN SITUATION!" Don't know the answer to a question? "Details at eleven!" They could make a Frankie pullstring doll with all these bankable catchphrases. In fact, I'm trademarking that idea. You hear me BET?!
All in all, Frankie & Neffe offers the perfect mix of feel goodisms and schadenfreude that allow you to unabashedly say you watch the show to your friends, all the while knowing that the real reason you're watching is to see these two hot messes in action. It's a guilt-free win-win situation. Or should I say man down situation.
Seriously, watch it.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Kim will NOT be doing blackface.
A feeling of mystery lies thick as a fog in the Georgia air. This week is alter-ego week.
NeNe organizes a spa day with Sheree and Kandi to discuss the upcoming photo shoot. It should be noted that the word “spa” is being used very loosely here, since all I see are easy chairs and a sink, but whatever.
All three women will be getting Minks, which are apparently some sort of fancy nail that Beyonce and Rihanna have. NeNe is surprised that Kandi is only getting Minks, since she also booked her for a “wax for her coochay hair.” Kandi declines, since she is already in the process of getting the hair on her cooter permanently lasered off. Unprompted, Sheree volunteers that she is as bald down there as the day she was born.
Sensing that the conversation has gotten really weird really quick, the conversation moves on to the real reason they’re all together: the shoot. NeNe breaks down the concept for each lady. For herself, she’s modified things a little bit and will be a stripper and a client watching the stripper.
Before she reveals Sheree’s, she tells her to have an open mind, which is never a good sign. What NeNe had in mind was to have Sheree wearing a prison costume breaking into an ATM for seven figures. Sheree gives a spectacular bitchface indicating that she doesn’t like the idea too much. However, once NeNe tells her she can be a sexy robber, she enthusiastically agrees. Problem solved! Just goes to show that the difference between a good idea and a bad idea is the word “sexy.”
For Kandi, NeNe says she initially had her as a bride and a groom, since she’s engaged and all, but THEN she thought she could also make her hood, because “she hood.” This causes the ladies to launch into a dreaded hood-off! Kandi is shocked that NeNe had the nerve to call her hood, since she thinks NeNe is the most sassy finger snappingest of all of them. NeNe counters that she is NOT from the hood, and thinks Kandi is way more hood than she is.
They go on like this for a while until conversation moves on to everyone’s favorite wigalicious whipping girl, Kim. Sheree and NeNe warn Kandi about Kim, but she says she thinks Kim is pretty cool, and she’s going to give her a shot, letting them know that she’s agreed to produce Kim’s club banga for her.
NeNe asks if Kandi’s actually heard the pop masterpiece yet, and she says she hasn’t, so they go to her car for a listen. I don’t think I’d ever actually listened to how terrible the lyrics are. A sample:
“Don’t be tardy for the party, I can hardly wait/ Though it starts at 9:30, I’ll be there by 8/ By 8:30 the hors d’oeuvres arrive I fill up my plate/ I can already tell this party is first rate.”
So basically the song about some asshole who arrives an hour and a half early to your party so they can gorge themselves on appetizers before the rest of the people arrive. Who thought this was a good idea for a hit single again? In any case, Kandi recognizes she has her work cut out for her, but she sees potential and promises to make it hot.
After a bizarre belly dance/ stanky legg interlude, we move on to Lisa and Kim’s much ballyhooed meeting of the minds. Kim wants Lisa to apologize for insinuating she lied about having cancer (even though, you know, she did), and Lisa wants Kim to apologize for telling everyone in Atlanta that she was a crack whore (which Kim also did).
They meet at an empty restaurant and are surprisingly cordial to each other. Since no “important” conversation can be had in Atlanta unless it’s done over shitty white wine, the ladies each order a glass of chardonnay and start to hash things out. Lisa brings up the crackwhore issue, causing Kim to babble about Google alerts and how she had nothing to do with it. Lisa interviews that she can knows Kim is lying since she was told by all of the Atlanta metropolitan area that Kim says she was out turning tricks on Peachtree St. However, she knows Kim will never fess up, so she lets it go.
Lisa goes on to enable Kim’s compulsive liar behavior and apologizes for insinuating Kim lied about having cancer. All in all though, it was a surprisingly adult meeting, even ending on a hug! Both are glad that they can move forward. Booooooring.
Across town, Kandi and Sheree meet up at a cute dessert café to have a girl ta;l. Sheree obnoxiously says that she hopes they have a good salad or something. Everybody in the shop eyerolls and tells Sheree to shut the fuck up and order a piece of cake, so she does. After getting situated, they start talking about Lady Whiskyvoice du Newport again. Sheree says that Kim is the type of chick you go to parties with and stuff but you never tell them your personal business. Kandi says so far she thinks Kim is really cool. Sheree ominously tells Kandi to watch out and that her time will come. Then she holds a flashlight under her chin and makes spooky ghost noises.
The topic moves on to relationship issues. When Sheree asks how Kandi’s engagement is going, she inadvertently unleashes a floodgate of depressing information. Apparently, Kandi’s cousin and her fiance’s nieces and nephews were hit by a drunk driver and are all in the hospital. She tearfully says that she thinks it would be in bad taste to throw an engagement party as planned when so many of their loved ones are in the hospital. Taking her cue, Sheree maces herself and frantically jabs at her eyes with her Mink-clad fingernail until she starts tearing up as well. Kandi thanks Sheree for listening, since she doesn’t normally like crying in front of people. Sheree says she’s the same way…yeah right.
Back at Chateau von Wig de Menthol, Kim is interviewing a new nanny to replace the previous one who they had to fire after the tampon fiasco. Kim fills the new candidate in on what her vital duties will be, like making the girls wear their helmets and get their Chik-fil-A at the right time.
Lastly, Kim tells the nanny that she smokes, drinks, and generally has a wet and wild good time, and she doesn’t want to get any lip about it like she did from the old nanny. She’s not dead for god’s sake! She also doesn’t want to hear any bellyaching about her taking speedballs straight to the heart every morning in the living room. This isn’t a gee-dee convent!
Later, NeNe invites Lisa over for a gossip sesh. After the necessary shitty wine is poured, the ladies once again complain about Kim. Lisa talks about how Kim won’t admit to her lie and NeNe says that she heard Kim’s been going all over town complaining about how she doesn’t want to do blackface. NeNe REALLY wants Kim do blackface so they give her a call to see what’s up.
NeNe is all “DO BLACKFACE!” and Kim is all “No! I don’t wanna!” so then NeNe is like “Well then you got any other ideas, wise guy?” and then Kim is all “Yeah. Jaykay no” and then NeNe is like “Why I oughtta…” NeNe tells her to think about possible new egos overnight and let her know in the morning.
The next day, it’s shooting time! As she leaves, NeNe tells Gregg that she’ll be gone all day, since she’s directin’ all the ladies shoots. She also lets us know that she’s come to a compromise with Kim: the wigged wonder will be playing a Stepford’s (SIC) wife and a mistress. NeNe thinks this is all kinds of lame, since Kim is already a mistress so it’s not much of a stretch. Gregg counters that at least this means she won’t have to rehearse much. OH SNAP! He also says he’s going to stop by the bank before NeNe’s shoot so he can come over and make it rain. Gregg FTW!
Finally, the shoot commences in earnest. First up is Lisa, who as mentioned earlier will be a good girl/bad girl. The concept of the shoot is that bad girl dominatrix Lisa will be pushing over Girl Scout Lisa while she’s riding her bike, which is actually kind of a cute idea. Back inside, NeNe and Kandi hiss at each other and trade passive aggressive compliments. All the ladies are getting a little annoyed at NeNe’s bossy attitude, but she counters that when you’re a director and you have a “buncha bitches who doesn’t wanna listen to whatcha sayin’, you gotta get a little bossy.” Take note, Scorsese.
Next up is Kandi, who has decided to change her shoot from bride and groom to drunk driver and victim, to “raise awareness.” I suppose it’s a good sentiment, but an alter ego vanity shoot seems like an odd way to discuss the dangers of drunk driving. Anyway, they start the shoot, and she poses as a Benz-driving flapper with bottle of hooch in hand and a banged up and bloodied black Dorothy splayed on the hood. The results are both sad and strangely hilarious.
In the prep room, SHEREE AND KIM HAVE ARRIVED! Dun dun dun. Surprisingly, instead of a prolonged catfight in a lily pond, the ladies have a polite chat about how they should do something for Kandi in her time of need. What’s with these ladies and their polite discourse? I demand more wig shifting, god damn it!
Time for Kim’s mistress shoot! They make her put on a black Velma Kelly-type wig, which Kim complains is just as bad as blackface, if not worse. Black bob wigs are HIGHLY offensive to 31 year old chain-smoking homewreckers, guys. Out of nowhere, Dwight pops us and tells Kim she looks fabulous. He then puts on a pair of gigantic heels and struts around the studio. What does Dwight do, anyway? Doesn’t he have a job?
After Kim stops complaining about being oppressed by her black wig and Dwight stops high kicking in a pair of slingback pumps, the team head over to a Laundromat for Kim’s shoot. The concept is for “Stepford’s Wife” Kim to be giving slutty whore mistress/IRL Kim nasty looks while they do their laundry. Kim predictably sucks at doing the shoot and NeNe complains that she shouldn’t be having any problems since she is essentially playing herself. Mercifully, the session ends and they move on to Sheree and NeNe’s shoots, which will be done at Magic City, Atlanta’s classiest place to see ladies slither their tits out and scissor each other while men throw money at them.
First is Sheree, who is being a surprisingly good sport about the whole gold digger-themed shoot. She poses as a classy woman being choked at an ATM, and then as her fabulously dressed and befauxhawked assailant. She takes to it like a pro, and before we know it her shoot is over.
Last, and certainly not least, is NeNe’s stripper and client shoot. By that time, it’s so late that the actual strippers have begun doing their thing in the background, which NeNe says helps give her energy. She first poses as a modestly dressed woman in pearls who would “never be caught dead in a strip club,” even though that’s exactly where she is. I guess logic isn’t really a factor in these shoots.
This portion of the shoot goes fine, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the second half, where Lady Leakes gets her freak on, stripper style. After getting decked out in a long black wig and sparkly red eyeshadow, NeNe hits the pole like the rent is due. She drops it down to the floor and flickers her tongue in and out like an oversexed gecko. She even has a few nip slips, but is too in the zone to notice. In case anyone was suspicious about how NeNe is such a natural minge-monger, Gregg clarifies that she strips for him every night, and he strips for her. They’ve said this before, but I guess I always thought it was the innocent Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies sort of striptease, and not the Elizabeth Berkley licking a pole in Showgirls kind. This gives a whole new disturbing glimpse into the bedroom of NeNe and Gregg.
Finally, it’s a wrap! All in all, the alter ego shoot was a smashing success. I’m actually pretty excited to see how they turn out. Knowing these Bravo assholes though, they’ll probably make us wait until the very last episode.
However, next week’s preview shows NeNe donning a blonde wig and doing a Kim impression right in front of her face, so we still have some good stuff to look forward to in the meantime. Until then!
NeNe organizes a spa day with Sheree and Kandi to discuss the upcoming photo shoot. It should be noted that the word “spa” is being used very loosely here, since all I see are easy chairs and a sink, but whatever.
All three women will be getting Minks, which are apparently some sort of fancy nail that Beyonce and Rihanna have. NeNe is surprised that Kandi is only getting Minks, since she also booked her for a “wax for her coochay hair.” Kandi declines, since she is already in the process of getting the hair on her cooter permanently lasered off. Unprompted, Sheree volunteers that she is as bald down there as the day she was born.
Sensing that the conversation has gotten really weird really quick, the conversation moves on to the real reason they’re all together: the shoot. NeNe breaks down the concept for each lady. For herself, she’s modified things a little bit and will be a stripper and a client watching the stripper.
Before she reveals Sheree’s, she tells her to have an open mind, which is never a good sign. What NeNe had in mind was to have Sheree wearing a prison costume breaking into an ATM for seven figures. Sheree gives a spectacular bitchface indicating that she doesn’t like the idea too much. However, once NeNe tells her she can be a sexy robber, she enthusiastically agrees. Problem solved! Just goes to show that the difference between a good idea and a bad idea is the word “sexy.”
For Kandi, NeNe says she initially had her as a bride and a groom, since she’s engaged and all, but THEN she thought she could also make her hood, because “she hood.” This causes the ladies to launch into a dreaded hood-off! Kandi is shocked that NeNe had the nerve to call her hood, since she thinks NeNe is the most sassy finger snappingest of all of them. NeNe counters that she is NOT from the hood, and thinks Kandi is way more hood than she is.
They go on like this for a while until conversation moves on to everyone’s favorite wigalicious whipping girl, Kim. Sheree and NeNe warn Kandi about Kim, but she says she thinks Kim is pretty cool, and she’s going to give her a shot, letting them know that she’s agreed to produce Kim’s club banga for her.
NeNe asks if Kandi’s actually heard the pop masterpiece yet, and she says she hasn’t, so they go to her car for a listen. I don’t think I’d ever actually listened to how terrible the lyrics are. A sample:
“Don’t be tardy for the party, I can hardly wait/ Though it starts at 9:30, I’ll be there by 8/ By 8:30 the hors d’oeuvres arrive I fill up my plate/ I can already tell this party is first rate.”
So basically the song about some asshole who arrives an hour and a half early to your party so they can gorge themselves on appetizers before the rest of the people arrive. Who thought this was a good idea for a hit single again? In any case, Kandi recognizes she has her work cut out for her, but she sees potential and promises to make it hot.
After a bizarre belly dance/ stanky legg interlude, we move on to Lisa and Kim’s much ballyhooed meeting of the minds. Kim wants Lisa to apologize for insinuating she lied about having cancer (even though, you know, she did), and Lisa wants Kim to apologize for telling everyone in Atlanta that she was a crack whore (which Kim also did).
They meet at an empty restaurant and are surprisingly cordial to each other. Since no “important” conversation can be had in Atlanta unless it’s done over shitty white wine, the ladies each order a glass of chardonnay and start to hash things out. Lisa brings up the crackwhore issue, causing Kim to babble about Google alerts and how she had nothing to do with it. Lisa interviews that she can knows Kim is lying since she was told by all of the Atlanta metropolitan area that Kim says she was out turning tricks on Peachtree St. However, she knows Kim will never fess up, so she lets it go.
Lisa goes on to enable Kim’s compulsive liar behavior and apologizes for insinuating Kim lied about having cancer. All in all though, it was a surprisingly adult meeting, even ending on a hug! Both are glad that they can move forward. Booooooring.
Across town, Kandi and Sheree meet up at a cute dessert café to have a girl ta;l. Sheree obnoxiously says that she hopes they have a good salad or something. Everybody in the shop eyerolls and tells Sheree to shut the fuck up and order a piece of cake, so she does. After getting situated, they start talking about Lady Whiskyvoice du Newport again. Sheree says that Kim is the type of chick you go to parties with and stuff but you never tell them your personal business. Kandi says so far she thinks Kim is really cool. Sheree ominously tells Kandi to watch out and that her time will come. Then she holds a flashlight under her chin and makes spooky ghost noises.
The topic moves on to relationship issues. When Sheree asks how Kandi’s engagement is going, she inadvertently unleashes a floodgate of depressing information. Apparently, Kandi’s cousin and her fiance’s nieces and nephews were hit by a drunk driver and are all in the hospital. She tearfully says that she thinks it would be in bad taste to throw an engagement party as planned when so many of their loved ones are in the hospital. Taking her cue, Sheree maces herself and frantically jabs at her eyes with her Mink-clad fingernail until she starts tearing up as well. Kandi thanks Sheree for listening, since she doesn’t normally like crying in front of people. Sheree says she’s the same way…yeah right.
Back at Chateau von Wig de Menthol, Kim is interviewing a new nanny to replace the previous one who they had to fire after the tampon fiasco. Kim fills the new candidate in on what her vital duties will be, like making the girls wear their helmets and get their Chik-fil-A at the right time.
Lastly, Kim tells the nanny that she smokes, drinks, and generally has a wet and wild good time, and she doesn’t want to get any lip about it like she did from the old nanny. She’s not dead for god’s sake! She also doesn’t want to hear any bellyaching about her taking speedballs straight to the heart every morning in the living room. This isn’t a gee-dee convent!
Later, NeNe invites Lisa over for a gossip sesh. After the necessary shitty wine is poured, the ladies once again complain about Kim. Lisa talks about how Kim won’t admit to her lie and NeNe says that she heard Kim’s been going all over town complaining about how she doesn’t want to do blackface. NeNe REALLY wants Kim do blackface so they give her a call to see what’s up.
NeNe is all “DO BLACKFACE!” and Kim is all “No! I don’t wanna!” so then NeNe is like “Well then you got any other ideas, wise guy?” and then Kim is all “Yeah. Jaykay no” and then NeNe is like “Why I oughtta…” NeNe tells her to think about possible new egos overnight and let her know in the morning.
The next day, it’s shooting time! As she leaves, NeNe tells Gregg that she’ll be gone all day, since she’s directin’ all the ladies shoots. She also lets us know that she’s come to a compromise with Kim: the wigged wonder will be playing a Stepford’s (SIC) wife and a mistress. NeNe thinks this is all kinds of lame, since Kim is already a mistress so it’s not much of a stretch. Gregg counters that at least this means she won’t have to rehearse much. OH SNAP! He also says he’s going to stop by the bank before NeNe’s shoot so he can come over and make it rain. Gregg FTW!
Finally, the shoot commences in earnest. First up is Lisa, who as mentioned earlier will be a good girl/bad girl. The concept of the shoot is that bad girl dominatrix Lisa will be pushing over Girl Scout Lisa while she’s riding her bike, which is actually kind of a cute idea. Back inside, NeNe and Kandi hiss at each other and trade passive aggressive compliments. All the ladies are getting a little annoyed at NeNe’s bossy attitude, but she counters that when you’re a director and you have a “buncha bitches who doesn’t wanna listen to whatcha sayin’, you gotta get a little bossy.” Take note, Scorsese.
Next up is Kandi, who has decided to change her shoot from bride and groom to drunk driver and victim, to “raise awareness.” I suppose it’s a good sentiment, but an alter ego vanity shoot seems like an odd way to discuss the dangers of drunk driving. Anyway, they start the shoot, and she poses as a Benz-driving flapper with bottle of hooch in hand and a banged up and bloodied black Dorothy splayed on the hood. The results are both sad and strangely hilarious.
In the prep room, SHEREE AND KIM HAVE ARRIVED! Dun dun dun. Surprisingly, instead of a prolonged catfight in a lily pond, the ladies have a polite chat about how they should do something for Kandi in her time of need. What’s with these ladies and their polite discourse? I demand more wig shifting, god damn it!
Time for Kim’s mistress shoot! They make her put on a black Velma Kelly-type wig, which Kim complains is just as bad as blackface, if not worse. Black bob wigs are HIGHLY offensive to 31 year old chain-smoking homewreckers, guys. Out of nowhere, Dwight pops us and tells Kim she looks fabulous. He then puts on a pair of gigantic heels and struts around the studio. What does Dwight do, anyway? Doesn’t he have a job?
After Kim stops complaining about being oppressed by her black wig and Dwight stops high kicking in a pair of slingback pumps, the team head over to a Laundromat for Kim’s shoot. The concept is for “Stepford’s Wife” Kim to be giving slutty whore mistress/IRL Kim nasty looks while they do their laundry. Kim predictably sucks at doing the shoot and NeNe complains that she shouldn’t be having any problems since she is essentially playing herself. Mercifully, the session ends and they move on to Sheree and NeNe’s shoots, which will be done at Magic City, Atlanta’s classiest place to see ladies slither their tits out and scissor each other while men throw money at them.
First is Sheree, who is being a surprisingly good sport about the whole gold digger-themed shoot. She poses as a classy woman being choked at an ATM, and then as her fabulously dressed and befauxhawked assailant. She takes to it like a pro, and before we know it her shoot is over.
Last, and certainly not least, is NeNe’s stripper and client shoot. By that time, it’s so late that the actual strippers have begun doing their thing in the background, which NeNe says helps give her energy. She first poses as a modestly dressed woman in pearls who would “never be caught dead in a strip club,” even though that’s exactly where she is. I guess logic isn’t really a factor in these shoots.
This portion of the shoot goes fine, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the second half, where Lady Leakes gets her freak on, stripper style. After getting decked out in a long black wig and sparkly red eyeshadow, NeNe hits the pole like the rent is due. She drops it down to the floor and flickers her tongue in and out like an oversexed gecko. She even has a few nip slips, but is too in the zone to notice. In case anyone was suspicious about how NeNe is such a natural minge-monger, Gregg clarifies that she strips for him every night, and he strips for her. They’ve said this before, but I guess I always thought it was the innocent Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies sort of striptease, and not the Elizabeth Berkley licking a pole in Showgirls kind. This gives a whole new disturbing glimpse into the bedroom of NeNe and Gregg.
Finally, it’s a wrap! All in all, the alter ego shoot was a smashing success. I’m actually pretty excited to see how they turn out. Knowing these Bravo assholes though, they’ll probably make us wait until the very last episode.
However, next week’s preview shows NeNe donning a blonde wig and doing a Kim impression right in front of her face, so we still have some good stuff to look forward to in the meantime. Until then!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Rachel Zoe Recap: The Saddest Fashion Week in American History
It’s fashiooooon weeeeeek everyoooooooooone (said in Oprah voice)!!!!! Rachel tells us that timewise, they’re fucked, since this year fashion week falls days away from the Oscars, which means Team Zoe is up to their Bvlgari-clad ears in work. Brad wonders why they are even going to Fashion Week this year since they have so much to do. Rachel says that since the economy is so bad, it’s her duty to go, because if she didn’t, nobody would. Rachel Zoe single handedly saves the fashion industry! Give this woman a medal.
Mother Zoeresa moves on to discuss the styling of Anne Hathaway for the Oscars. Since her Armani Prive dress from the Globes was such a shut-it-down bananafest, Rachel thinks they shouldn't mess with a good thing. She has another Prive dress in mind, but doesn’t think it has enough pizzazz. Drunk with power from her ability to convince Count von Lagerfeld to stop drinking the blood of Czech twinks long enough to alter last week’s Cameron Diaz gown, Rachel decides to try her luck and ask Mr. Armani himself to add a train to the Oscar dress. Has this woman no limits?!
Meanwhile, Taylor complains that she doesn’t even want to go to New York since she has so much to do back in LA styling for the upcoming InStyle shoot they have with Jennifer Garner. She will soldier on and go though, since the Zoe demands it.
Later, Brad and Taylor go over options for Anne Hathaway in case the Armani dress doesn’t work out. The dresses are pretty, but all too weird or "boobalicious" for such a tasteful day as the Oscars. Brad tries to get Taylor to try on one of the dresses, backhandedly saying she’s having a skinny day. They should just change the name of this show to “The Giving Taylor Body Issues Project.”
On to New York! Rachel and her pet husband Rodger arrive at the fancy shmancy Thompson L.E.S. hotel. She checks in and makes sure the bags have arrived while he gurgles and plays with his bangs. The concierge assures Rachel that all seven (!) of her weirdly saran-wrapped bags have arrived safe and sound and are in her room. Rachel interviews that she always travels with a full wardrobe of clothes since she likes to have options. Always prepared, that one. She must have been a Boy Scout.
Rachel confesses that not unlike a kinkajou monkey impulse-bought by Paris Hilton, Rodger always feels neglected during fashion week. She was hoping that after doing this year after year he’d get used to it, but he’s still a needy nelly. Poor little guy.
Time to prep for the Rag & Bones show! Makeup Gay says she must be going nuts with all the stuff she has to do. She replies that she is indeed going out of her “cuckoo fucking head right now.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.
The hours fly by, and before we know it it’s time for the show. Brad and Rachel hop in their Escalade and head over, while Taylor plays a fiddle for scraps of food on the street. Brad interviews that Fashion Week is like the Olympics, since you have all the big designers vying for a place in the spotlight. He says it’s like watching Kristy Yamaguchi skate. I immediately pictured Diane von Furstenberg and Marc Jacobs doing pairs figure skating and giggled to myself. “MAHK! LEEFT ME! LEEFT ME!”
On the red carpet outside the show, Rachel tells a reporter that she and her clients rock Rag & Bones and love it. Inside, Rachel and Brad watch the different looks strut down the runway and say that they’re all cuckoo bananas, but not right for the Oscars. Afterwards, Rachel poses with the designers and fawns over how great the clothes were while they ignore her for someone more interesting and famous.
Back at the hotel, Taylor is still stressing out over the “Jen Garner” InStyle shoot. She says that she has to put together three looks: a “wet hair” look (huh?), an edgy look, and an androgynous look. Sounds easy enough, though I don’t quite understand why someone needs a couture gown for a wet hair look. Was the idea that it rained on some sort of fabulous parade?
While she’s doing that, Rachel and Brad head over to meet Diane von Furstenberg (DVF as Brad calls her, and “Diahnnn” to Rachel). It must be written in their contracts that Brad and Rachel get to do everything fun while Taylor has to do all the shitty jobs, because that’s how this season is seriously playing out. Anyway, the two meet with DVF, who explains that her new line, dubbed “Nomad,” is intended to be full of real clothes that are like old friends that every woman can enjoy. She proceeds to roll out a series of kinte prints, ridiculous pom pom hats, and gigantic suede coats. Totally real clothes, if you are some sort of fabulous Nepalese Sherpa. On her way out, Rachel tries to steal a necklace but is caught by DVF and made to give it back. Apparently DVF does not offer a five finger discount.
Across town Taylor is grumpily searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. She authoritatively tells people at stores she’s styling a shoot for Jen Garner and needs looks, then proceeds to insult all the options they give her. Of one look, she says that Ms. Garner would look like a “Rushunn Huuucker” in her bizarre accent. Seriously, where is she from? She sounds like a cross between Lauren Conrad and a stroke victim. Then, in case we forgot, she reminds us how much she doesn’t want to be there and would rather be back in LA.
Over in funtown, Rachel is getting dressed up for the Matthew Williamson store opening. She parades around in various looks while Brad, Makeup Gay, and Marc Jacobs' stylebear fiancé Lorenzo tell her how terrible she looks. After about an hour, she finally decides to choose the first look she tried on. *headdesk*
The gang arrives at the party and Rachel poses for paparazzi while voiceovering about how much she hates posing for paparazzi. Inside, she runs into old friend Lindsay Lohan. The two schmooze while the photogs “have a field day” taking pictures of them. LiLo gives a coy little look to nobody in particular and the two head off into another room. Ski trip anyone?
Night turns to dawn, and it’s Valentine’s Day! Rachel coos at her husband in a bizarre baby voice to wake up while he grunts at her and falls back asleep. She says that the holiday always falls during Fashion Week, but this year she really wants to make it a priority to spend at least part of her day with Rodger. He finally wakes up, and the two have a romantic room service breakfast. Rachel tells him she pulled a Richard Gere, so Rodger places some sunflower seeds under her chair to coax out the gerbil. However, she meant that she ordered everything off the menu like in Pretty Woman. Phew!
After their romantic morning, it’s back to work. Rachel and Brad head over to visit “Mr. Armani” to thank him for all the red carpet moments he’s given them and for altering Anne's gown. Brad comments that it’s like going to fashion church. Idolatrous fashionistas! The two arrive at Armani to a dubbed-in heavenly choir. Rachel spews platitudes onto Mr. Armani while he babbles through his daughter/translator about Prive being a geeft he geeves to heemself. After they stop weeping and their hysterical blindness goes away, Brad and Rachel blissfully head back to the hotel.
Back on Misery Lane, Taylor is still searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. Dude, just PICK some already! Is it really that hard to find three dresses for Jennifer Garner to wear in fucking InStyle? Anyway, Taylor goes to a vintage store where she and the owner bitch about how over fashion week they are since it’s not about the clothes anymore. Sigh.
Brad and Rachel go to more shows and have more fun while Taylor is still stomping around New York with steam shooting out of her ears like a foiled Elmer Fudd. She meets up with Makeup Gay for a bitch session. She complains that she’s just so fruuuustraaaaated at where her career with Rachel is at. She was promised growth, and to be able to be involved in Rachel’s upcoming product line, and now it’s looking like the line might not even happen.
Except it is! Accross town, Rachel heads over to a company called Tiger J, which sounds like the name of a gay porn star, but apparently is one of the largest manufacturers of outerwear in the United States. She’s there to discuss a possible partnership with them, and brings Marisa along with her to the meeting. Not Taylor, dirty old MARISA. Tay Tay is gonna be piiiiiiiiissed. Anyway, the folks at Tiger Tyson want to partner with Rachel for a line of faux-fur and leather jackets. This seems oddly fitting, since for some reason Rachel Zoe’s face and fake leather go well together to me.
Back at the hotel, Taylor meets with Rachel to tell her she’s going home. She says she doesn’t want to be at fashion week, and doesn’t even understand why she’s in New York in the first place since she hasn’t been able to go to any shows. Rachel interviews that she thought she was giving Taylor a reward for her hard work by bringing her to NY, but it’s just a mess, and she can’t win. Taylor leaves to pack, and on her way out dramatically shouts that she’s “never coming back to New York ever!” So there!
Before she leaves, however, she’s going to have a night on the town with Brad, Makeup Gay, and Stylebear Jacobs. She tries on various going outfits with Makeup Gay, including a hot pink tube dress she says she bought for court. And by court she means all night coke orgies at MyHouse. Makeup Gay hates most of her outfits, and makes her wear a leopard print sausage casing instead. They meet up with Brad and Stylebear and head over to the party. Brad divas it up for the paparazzi outside before meeting the rest inside, where they all dance like idiots and have a grand old time.
The next morning, Taylor heads back to LA while Brad and Rachel meet with the ladies at Marchesa, who reeeeeeeeally want Rachel to use one of their dresses. Rachel thinks the dresses are gorge, but not for Anne at the Oscars. Sorry ladies!
Upon arriving in California, Taylor resumes her search for looks for the InStyle shoot. She’s well on her way when she gets an e-mail saying that the shoot is actually only going to be from the neck up, so it’s just going to be about hairstyles and jewelry. Needless to say, Taylor is super pissed, and wishes that Rachel had told her this from the get go so she didn't spend the last few days frantically looking for full looks. She says this is a prime example of the miscommunication rampant at Team Zoe.
Back in NYC, a swarm of stern-looking Armani reps arrive at Rachel’s hotel room with the potential modifications for Anne’s dress. They say they have two options for trains. The first one is fitted onto a model they brought with them in a suitcase. Rachel says it’s very pretty, like a fashion fairytale, but it looks like a sea of taffeta and she thinks it will overpower the dress. She shakes her head at the reps and says a firm “no.” Dramatic music plays and the reps continue looking very stern. “To be continued…” flashes across the screen.
It’s a cliffhanger folks! What will happen? Will Rachel use the second look? (Yes.) Will the reps from Armani fly into a limoncello-induced rage and strangle Rachel with their taffeta creation? Only time will tell.
Mother Zoeresa moves on to discuss the styling of Anne Hathaway for the Oscars. Since her Armani Prive dress from the Globes was such a shut-it-down bananafest, Rachel thinks they shouldn't mess with a good thing. She has another Prive dress in mind, but doesn’t think it has enough pizzazz. Drunk with power from her ability to convince Count von Lagerfeld to stop drinking the blood of Czech twinks long enough to alter last week’s Cameron Diaz gown, Rachel decides to try her luck and ask Mr. Armani himself to add a train to the Oscar dress. Has this woman no limits?!
Meanwhile, Taylor complains that she doesn’t even want to go to New York since she has so much to do back in LA styling for the upcoming InStyle shoot they have with Jennifer Garner. She will soldier on and go though, since the Zoe demands it.
Later, Brad and Taylor go over options for Anne Hathaway in case the Armani dress doesn’t work out. The dresses are pretty, but all too weird or "boobalicious" for such a tasteful day as the Oscars. Brad tries to get Taylor to try on one of the dresses, backhandedly saying she’s having a skinny day. They should just change the name of this show to “The Giving Taylor Body Issues Project.”
On to New York! Rachel and her pet husband Rodger arrive at the fancy shmancy Thompson L.E.S. hotel. She checks in and makes sure the bags have arrived while he gurgles and plays with his bangs. The concierge assures Rachel that all seven (!) of her weirdly saran-wrapped bags have arrived safe and sound and are in her room. Rachel interviews that she always travels with a full wardrobe of clothes since she likes to have options. Always prepared, that one. She must have been a Boy Scout.
Rachel confesses that not unlike a kinkajou monkey impulse-bought by Paris Hilton, Rodger always feels neglected during fashion week. She was hoping that after doing this year after year he’d get used to it, but he’s still a needy nelly. Poor little guy.
Time to prep for the Rag & Bones show! Makeup Gay says she must be going nuts with all the stuff she has to do. She replies that she is indeed going out of her “cuckoo fucking head right now.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.
The hours fly by, and before we know it it’s time for the show. Brad and Rachel hop in their Escalade and head over, while Taylor plays a fiddle for scraps of food on the street. Brad interviews that Fashion Week is like the Olympics, since you have all the big designers vying for a place in the spotlight. He says it’s like watching Kristy Yamaguchi skate. I immediately pictured Diane von Furstenberg and Marc Jacobs doing pairs figure skating and giggled to myself. “MAHK! LEEFT ME! LEEFT ME!”
On the red carpet outside the show, Rachel tells a reporter that she and her clients rock Rag & Bones and love it. Inside, Rachel and Brad watch the different looks strut down the runway and say that they’re all cuckoo bananas, but not right for the Oscars. Afterwards, Rachel poses with the designers and fawns over how great the clothes were while they ignore her for someone more interesting and famous.
Back at the hotel, Taylor is still stressing out over the “Jen Garner” InStyle shoot. She says that she has to put together three looks: a “wet hair” look (huh?), an edgy look, and an androgynous look. Sounds easy enough, though I don’t quite understand why someone needs a couture gown for a wet hair look. Was the idea that it rained on some sort of fabulous parade?
While she’s doing that, Rachel and Brad head over to meet Diane von Furstenberg (DVF as Brad calls her, and “Diahnnn” to Rachel). It must be written in their contracts that Brad and Rachel get to do everything fun while Taylor has to do all the shitty jobs, because that’s how this season is seriously playing out. Anyway, the two meet with DVF, who explains that her new line, dubbed “Nomad,” is intended to be full of real clothes that are like old friends that every woman can enjoy. She proceeds to roll out a series of kinte prints, ridiculous pom pom hats, and gigantic suede coats. Totally real clothes, if you are some sort of fabulous Nepalese Sherpa. On her way out, Rachel tries to steal a necklace but is caught by DVF and made to give it back. Apparently DVF does not offer a five finger discount.
Across town Taylor is grumpily searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. She authoritatively tells people at stores she’s styling a shoot for Jen Garner and needs looks, then proceeds to insult all the options they give her. Of one look, she says that Ms. Garner would look like a “Rushunn Huuucker” in her bizarre accent. Seriously, where is she from? She sounds like a cross between Lauren Conrad and a stroke victim. Then, in case we forgot, she reminds us how much she doesn’t want to be there and would rather be back in LA.
Over in funtown, Rachel is getting dressed up for the Matthew Williamson store opening. She parades around in various looks while Brad, Makeup Gay, and Marc Jacobs' stylebear fiancé Lorenzo tell her how terrible she looks. After about an hour, she finally decides to choose the first look she tried on. *headdesk*
The gang arrives at the party and Rachel poses for paparazzi while voiceovering about how much she hates posing for paparazzi. Inside, she runs into old friend Lindsay Lohan. The two schmooze while the photogs “have a field day” taking pictures of them. LiLo gives a coy little look to nobody in particular and the two head off into another room. Ski trip anyone?
Night turns to dawn, and it’s Valentine’s Day! Rachel coos at her husband in a bizarre baby voice to wake up while he grunts at her and falls back asleep. She says that the holiday always falls during Fashion Week, but this year she really wants to make it a priority to spend at least part of her day with Rodger. He finally wakes up, and the two have a romantic room service breakfast. Rachel tells him she pulled a Richard Gere, so Rodger places some sunflower seeds under her chair to coax out the gerbil. However, she meant that she ordered everything off the menu like in Pretty Woman. Phew!
After their romantic morning, it’s back to work. Rachel and Brad head over to visit “Mr. Armani” to thank him for all the red carpet moments he’s given them and for altering Anne's gown. Brad comments that it’s like going to fashion church. Idolatrous fashionistas! The two arrive at Armani to a dubbed-in heavenly choir. Rachel spews platitudes onto Mr. Armani while he babbles through his daughter/translator about Prive being a geeft he geeves to heemself. After they stop weeping and their hysterical blindness goes away, Brad and Rachel blissfully head back to the hotel.
Back on Misery Lane, Taylor is still searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. Dude, just PICK some already! Is it really that hard to find three dresses for Jennifer Garner to wear in fucking InStyle? Anyway, Taylor goes to a vintage store where she and the owner bitch about how over fashion week they are since it’s not about the clothes anymore. Sigh.
Brad and Rachel go to more shows and have more fun while Taylor is still stomping around New York with steam shooting out of her ears like a foiled Elmer Fudd. She meets up with Makeup Gay for a bitch session. She complains that she’s just so fruuuustraaaaated at where her career with Rachel is at. She was promised growth, and to be able to be involved in Rachel’s upcoming product line, and now it’s looking like the line might not even happen.
Except it is! Accross town, Rachel heads over to a company called Tiger J, which sounds like the name of a gay porn star, but apparently is one of the largest manufacturers of outerwear in the United States. She’s there to discuss a possible partnership with them, and brings Marisa along with her to the meeting. Not Taylor, dirty old MARISA. Tay Tay is gonna be piiiiiiiiissed. Anyway, the folks at Tiger Tyson want to partner with Rachel for a line of faux-fur and leather jackets. This seems oddly fitting, since for some reason Rachel Zoe’s face and fake leather go well together to me.
Back at the hotel, Taylor meets with Rachel to tell her she’s going home. She says she doesn’t want to be at fashion week, and doesn’t even understand why she’s in New York in the first place since she hasn’t been able to go to any shows. Rachel interviews that she thought she was giving Taylor a reward for her hard work by bringing her to NY, but it’s just a mess, and she can’t win. Taylor leaves to pack, and on her way out dramatically shouts that she’s “never coming back to New York ever!” So there!
Before she leaves, however, she’s going to have a night on the town with Brad, Makeup Gay, and Stylebear Jacobs. She tries on various going outfits with Makeup Gay, including a hot pink tube dress she says she bought for court. And by court she means all night coke orgies at MyHouse. Makeup Gay hates most of her outfits, and makes her wear a leopard print sausage casing instead. They meet up with Brad and Stylebear and head over to the party. Brad divas it up for the paparazzi outside before meeting the rest inside, where they all dance like idiots and have a grand old time.
The next morning, Taylor heads back to LA while Brad and Rachel meet with the ladies at Marchesa, who reeeeeeeeally want Rachel to use one of their dresses. Rachel thinks the dresses are gorge, but not for Anne at the Oscars. Sorry ladies!
Upon arriving in California, Taylor resumes her search for looks for the InStyle shoot. She’s well on her way when she gets an e-mail saying that the shoot is actually only going to be from the neck up, so it’s just going to be about hairstyles and jewelry. Needless to say, Taylor is super pissed, and wishes that Rachel had told her this from the get go so she didn't spend the last few days frantically looking for full looks. She says this is a prime example of the miscommunication rampant at Team Zoe.
Back in NYC, a swarm of stern-looking Armani reps arrive at Rachel’s hotel room with the potential modifications for Anne’s dress. They say they have two options for trains. The first one is fitted onto a model they brought with them in a suitcase. Rachel says it’s very pretty, like a fashion fairytale, but it looks like a sea of taffeta and she thinks it will overpower the dress. She shakes her head at the reps and says a firm “no.” Dramatic music plays and the reps continue looking very stern. “To be continued…” flashes across the screen.
It’s a cliffhanger folks! What will happen? Will Rachel use the second look? (Yes.) Will the reps from Armani fly into a limoncello-induced rage and strangle Rachel with their taffeta creation? Only time will tell.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: ATL vs. LA Deathmatch
This week’s episode opens on Lisa and Nene visiting “fab’rik” to go shopping for their trip to Los Angeles. What the hell is with the names of clothes stores in ATL, by the way? Fab’rik? Blue Genes? It's like someone issued a memo that every store in the city needs to have some half-baked play on words as it's title.
The ladies are very excited about visiting LA. Lisa because she’s visiting her family, NeNe because she gets to meet Lisa’s “granmama” and see her Asian side, since apparently biracial families are like giant squid to her. She’s heard tell of them, but never seen one alive.
NeNe wants to buy a gift for granmama. She suggests something sporty, Lisa reminds her that her grandmother is 93 and isn’t doing much sporting, unless by sporting she means shuffleboard and pooping herself. NeNe picks out some gold hoops so Granny Wu can let her hood side shine.
The girls try on clothes and coo “cuuuuuuute” at each other, having a grand old time until Lisa suddenly drops a big downerbomb by bringing up her recently departed brother Meho. Lisa’s relatives want her to visit his gravesite while she is in LA, but she’s not sure she wants to bring up those emotions. NeNe says she’s never been to her mother’s grave either because it’s scary. However, she assures Lisa that she’ll go with her for support.
Accross Atlanta Kandi is in the studio recording her new track. The song is about flying above all the haters, a very cutting edge topic in music which has never been done before. As promised from last week, Kim arrives with daughter Ariana in tow. The two women squeal at each other and hug. Kim’s squeal actually sounds more like the shriek of a falcon after it’s smoked 2 packs of Misty 120’s than that of a human being, but you know, potato potahto.
Kim confesses that this is the first time she’s been back in the studio since last season’s Tightrope debacle, which we get to painfully revisit via flashback. Thanks Bravo.
After everyone’s eardrums stop bleeding, Kandi and the Cigarette Falcon sit down for a chitchat. The two discover that their birthdays are OMG 2 days apart, making them both Tauruses (Tauri?), though I like to think Kim is a Ford Taurus, not the celestial bull. Either way, both women agree that they’re a lot alike, and marvel at the kismet that caused their two paths to converge.
Kandi reveals that she and Kim’s conversation at the King Tut traveling exhibit/mall tour inspired her to write her anti-hater anthem. See, Kim had told her that she had a lot of haters, and Ms. Buruss could relate since she too has a great deal of said haters. She sings the song for Kim, who is floored that she could inspire someone to write such a magnificent song after one meeting. Is there a female version of a bromance? Vagmance? Friendgina?
Kim brings up wanting to record with her new friendgina. Specifically, “Don’t be Tardy for the Party,” last season’s breakaway hit (which is now a full fledged music sensation). Kim tells Kandi that she’d love to record the song, and maybe have NeNe rap a verse as well. Kandi asks Kim to demo the song for her but Kim declines to preserve her beautiful whiskyvoice for later use. She says she’ll get back to her with a copy.
Meanwhile, NeNe meets with noted Atlanta photographer Derek Blanks to discuss doing an alter ego photoshoot, which are apparently all the rage in the ATL. An alter ego shoot, for all you N00Bz out there, is when a person photographs as two polar opposite characters and the two are edited together through the magic of Photoshop.
Derek asks if the rest of the housewives will be participating. NeNe, sensing an opportunity to command the other ladies like a blacker, more fabulous Mussolini, agrees to this immediately. The two brainstorm potential egos for everyone. Lisa’s will be the traditional good girl/bad girl, since NeNe senses she has a wild side. For Kim, right now NeNe is thinking fashiony slut and country singer. For herself, NeNe seductively tells us she is a housewife, but also a stripper, so that will be her shoot. So anway, that’s something to look forward to for next week!
NeNe heads over to the nail salon wearing gigantic sunglasses to meet Kim for a buff’n’bitch. Kim tells her to take them damn sunglasses off, but NeNe refuses since she’s just had a chemical peel so what lies beneath ain’t pretty.
NeNe lets Kim know about the alter ego shoot. NeNe has opted not to do the Whore/Cowboy juxtaposition for Kim. Instead, she’ll be doing blackface. Yes, Kim Zolciak will be doing blackface. God is good. Kim is a little uncomfortable with this, but NeNe tells her that she is a black girl in a white girl’s body so she’ll take to it like a duck to water. She’s even picked out a black name for her! Kim decides to roll with it, because hey, face time.
The conversation moves on to NeNe’s trip with Lisa, to which Kim gives an eye roll so big it’s basically a hair whip. NeNe says that she’s excited to see Lisa’s mysterious and strange Asian side and celebrate granmama’s 93rd birthday. Kim’s head explodes at the prospect of Lisa also living into her nineties. She picks up the pieces of her exploded head, puts them back together, and insincerely wishes NeNe a good trip.
LOS ANGELES TIME! NeNe and Lisa roll through Beverly Hills in a convertible. Lisa talks about how good it feels to be home and asks NeNe if she’s ready to meet her Asian side. NeNe says that she’s got a pair of chopsticks in her purse, so she’s good to go.
The girls roll up to their fancy digs at the Chamberlain Hotel, where NeNe requires assistance getting out of the car since her heels are to high and/or she’s too drunk off airplane booze to get out herself. On their way up to their room, the girls are accosted by a tipsy pocket gay who asks them for nail clippers (which is beyond weird). The ladies decline his creepy request but do invite him to margaritas on the roof at a later date. NeNe interviews that she is a gay magnet, so it’s not really a surprise that he would come up to them. I’d like to qualify that and say NeNe is a freakish gay magnet, since the only ones she seems to attract are walking Saw mask Dwight and this nail clipping fiend.
Back in Atlanta, Sheree is planning her upcoming fashion show over her usual cauldron of guacamole, which is apparently the only thing she ever eats. The show will be the an exlusive, invite-only ordeal. I swear, even these ladies fucking BM’s are exclusive invite-only affairs.
Like her Independence Party, the planning is being done gratis in exchange for publicity. Apparently learning nothing from that disaster, Sheree takes the free service and runs with it. She says it would be nice for Tiffany’s to furnish her jewelry for the party and to arrive in a Maybach. She would also like the power to control the weather, eternal youth, and a vagina that births solid gold babies. They had better not disappoint her.
3,000 miles away Lisa and NeNe go shopping on Rodeo Drive. NeNe comments that she feels uncomfortable since everyone there looks rich and clean, like they don’t need a bath. Apparently NeNe usually goes dumpster diving with hobos to get her fashions.
The ladies lunch, and NeNe weirdly calls everyone “dahling” and complains about people in LA being phony. She stops mid-sentence to shout that the wine they ordered is “some bullshit wine” and tells the waitress to bring them a couple of “Miss Thangs” instead. When the waitress is all “What the fuck is that?” NeNe says that it’s a margarita with some OJ. See! Bethenny Frankel isn’t the only housewife who can trademark a cocktail. Take your SkinnyGirl empire and shove it up your well-toned ass.
The Miss Thangs arrive and conversation moves on to Kim. Lisa is still upset that Kim has been telling everyone she is a crackwhore but would still like to have a sit-down with her. However, she can’t guarantee she won’t try to rip off her wig in the process. Sorry Lisa, Sheree beat you to it! You can rip off her merkin instead.
After lunch the ladies head to Inglewood for a visit with Lisa’s parents. Ever tactful, NeNe marvels out loud about how small and different the elderly couple look. After introductions, they have a very deep and serious chat about the complexities of being an interracial couple in predominantly black Inglewood that feels really out of place in this campy and ridiculous program.
Back in the ATL, Sheree is holding model castings for her upcoming fashion show. She says she’s looking for Kate Moss/ Naomi Campbell types. In Atlanta. With her budget. Good luck.
The event coordinator serves up a big pile of modelfail. Don’t get me wrong, Sheree is a diva monster, but even I can agree that these models are HORRIBLE. One girl even elicits an audible “aw hell no” from Ms. Whitfield. Needless to say, the ball is dropped, and Sheree demands that things turn up in the future.
Over in LA, it’s party time! Lisa and NeNe roll up to granmama’s retirement home for the birthday party. NeNe is shocked at the number of Asians at the party. Apparently, she didn't realize that when someone is half Asian that means that half of their family is Asian. NeNe very appropriately and politically correctly asks Lisa if she can speak “that language.”
Next, it’s time to meet Granmama! She’s barely lucid but has fabulous skin, which Lisa attributes to smearing Vaseline on her face daily. Here I thought that was just for hood chicks who were about to beat a bitch’s ass, but it’s also for tiny Chinese grandmothers who want to turn back the clock. Learning!
As the party draws to a close, NeNe pulls Lisa aside and breaks the news to her that she won’t be going to Meho’s grave. She just doesn’t feel comfortable, which is understandable since she’d never met the guy.
Across the nation, Kim and Kandi get lunch at a Claim Jumper knockoff called “Stony River.” Kandi orders something non-alcoholic and Kim orders a bottle of wine to her dome. The waiter begins to pour a taste for Kim but she yells that she doesn’t want any of that fancy shit and tells him to just pour pour pour pour pour. What a class act.
Kim proceeds to get hammered. After chucking a copy of “Don’t be Tardy For the Party” at Kandi’s head, Kim starts slurrily talking shit about the other ladies while Kandi mainly stays quiet and makes uncomfortable faces. When the topic moves to Lisa, Kim does another muppetesque full-body eye roll and mumbles about three dollar bills before vomiting all over the table and passing out in her steak’n’shrimp.
It’s serious time in Los Angeles as Lisa and her relatives visit Meho’s grave, which is sad. Everyone talks at the grave at once, saying how they miss him and there’s nobody who will replace him. Things start to get weird when Lisa’s brother Andre pulls out a flask and pours it over the grave rap video style. Lisa is less than pleased.
After the day’s emotional events, Lisa and NeNe decompress on the rooftop of their hotel. They agree that coming from rags to riches is great, but assure each other that they’re still real. Unlike Kim, who is a tickety tack trailer park mess.
Then, just as you thought the episode was drawing to a close, Clippers the Gay Leprechaun arrives on the scene, and everybody shrieks at each other. The three scream back and forth and make jokes about him fucking Lisa’s husband. He tells her that he has something she doesn’t have. In case we didn’t get his joke, he hammers the punch line into our heads, saying that sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don’t. The three release their banshee wails at eachother while we all collectively barf all over ourselves.
Coming up next week is NeNe’s alter ego photoshoot. This means we have lots of pictures of the ladies in whore clothes and Kim in blackface to look forward to. I for one cannot wait.
The ladies are very excited about visiting LA. Lisa because she’s visiting her family, NeNe because she gets to meet Lisa’s “granmama” and see her Asian side, since apparently biracial families are like giant squid to her. She’s heard tell of them, but never seen one alive.
NeNe wants to buy a gift for granmama. She suggests something sporty, Lisa reminds her that her grandmother is 93 and isn’t doing much sporting, unless by sporting she means shuffleboard and pooping herself. NeNe picks out some gold hoops so Granny Wu can let her hood side shine.
The girls try on clothes and coo “cuuuuuuute” at each other, having a grand old time until Lisa suddenly drops a big downerbomb by bringing up her recently departed brother Meho. Lisa’s relatives want her to visit his gravesite while she is in LA, but she’s not sure she wants to bring up those emotions. NeNe says she’s never been to her mother’s grave either because it’s scary. However, she assures Lisa that she’ll go with her for support.
Accross Atlanta Kandi is in the studio recording her new track. The song is about flying above all the haters, a very cutting edge topic in music which has never been done before. As promised from last week, Kim arrives with daughter Ariana in tow. The two women squeal at each other and hug. Kim’s squeal actually sounds more like the shriek of a falcon after it’s smoked 2 packs of Misty 120’s than that of a human being, but you know, potato potahto.
Kim confesses that this is the first time she’s been back in the studio since last season’s Tightrope debacle, which we get to painfully revisit via flashback. Thanks Bravo.
After everyone’s eardrums stop bleeding, Kandi and the Cigarette Falcon sit down for a chitchat. The two discover that their birthdays are OMG 2 days apart, making them both Tauruses (Tauri?), though I like to think Kim is a Ford Taurus, not the celestial bull. Either way, both women agree that they’re a lot alike, and marvel at the kismet that caused their two paths to converge.
Kandi reveals that she and Kim’s conversation at the King Tut traveling exhibit/mall tour inspired her to write her anti-hater anthem. See, Kim had told her that she had a lot of haters, and Ms. Buruss could relate since she too has a great deal of said haters. She sings the song for Kim, who is floored that she could inspire someone to write such a magnificent song after one meeting. Is there a female version of a bromance? Vagmance? Friendgina?
Kim brings up wanting to record with her new friendgina. Specifically, “Don’t be Tardy for the Party,” last season’s breakaway hit (which is now a full fledged music sensation). Kim tells Kandi that she’d love to record the song, and maybe have NeNe rap a verse as well. Kandi asks Kim to demo the song for her but Kim declines to preserve her beautiful whiskyvoice for later use. She says she’ll get back to her with a copy.
Meanwhile, NeNe meets with noted Atlanta photographer Derek Blanks to discuss doing an alter ego photoshoot, which are apparently all the rage in the ATL. An alter ego shoot, for all you N00Bz out there, is when a person photographs as two polar opposite characters and the two are edited together through the magic of Photoshop.
Derek asks if the rest of the housewives will be participating. NeNe, sensing an opportunity to command the other ladies like a blacker, more fabulous Mussolini, agrees to this immediately. The two brainstorm potential egos for everyone. Lisa’s will be the traditional good girl/bad girl, since NeNe senses she has a wild side. For Kim, right now NeNe is thinking fashiony slut and country singer. For herself, NeNe seductively tells us she is a housewife, but also a stripper, so that will be her shoot. So anway, that’s something to look forward to for next week!
NeNe heads over to the nail salon wearing gigantic sunglasses to meet Kim for a buff’n’bitch. Kim tells her to take them damn sunglasses off, but NeNe refuses since she’s just had a chemical peel so what lies beneath ain’t pretty.
NeNe lets Kim know about the alter ego shoot. NeNe has opted not to do the Whore/Cowboy juxtaposition for Kim. Instead, she’ll be doing blackface. Yes, Kim Zolciak will be doing blackface. God is good. Kim is a little uncomfortable with this, but NeNe tells her that she is a black girl in a white girl’s body so she’ll take to it like a duck to water. She’s even picked out a black name for her! Kim decides to roll with it, because hey, face time.
The conversation moves on to NeNe’s trip with Lisa, to which Kim gives an eye roll so big it’s basically a hair whip. NeNe says that she’s excited to see Lisa’s mysterious and strange Asian side and celebrate granmama’s 93rd birthday. Kim’s head explodes at the prospect of Lisa also living into her nineties. She picks up the pieces of her exploded head, puts them back together, and insincerely wishes NeNe a good trip.
LOS ANGELES TIME! NeNe and Lisa roll through Beverly Hills in a convertible. Lisa talks about how good it feels to be home and asks NeNe if she’s ready to meet her Asian side. NeNe says that she’s got a pair of chopsticks in her purse, so she’s good to go.
The girls roll up to their fancy digs at the Chamberlain Hotel, where NeNe requires assistance getting out of the car since her heels are to high and/or she’s too drunk off airplane booze to get out herself. On their way up to their room, the girls are accosted by a tipsy pocket gay who asks them for nail clippers (which is beyond weird). The ladies decline his creepy request but do invite him to margaritas on the roof at a later date. NeNe interviews that she is a gay magnet, so it’s not really a surprise that he would come up to them. I’d like to qualify that and say NeNe is a freakish gay magnet, since the only ones she seems to attract are walking Saw mask Dwight and this nail clipping fiend.
Back in Atlanta, Sheree is planning her upcoming fashion show over her usual cauldron of guacamole, which is apparently the only thing she ever eats. The show will be the an exlusive, invite-only ordeal. I swear, even these ladies fucking BM’s are exclusive invite-only affairs.
Like her Independence Party, the planning is being done gratis in exchange for publicity. Apparently learning nothing from that disaster, Sheree takes the free service and runs with it. She says it would be nice for Tiffany’s to furnish her jewelry for the party and to arrive in a Maybach. She would also like the power to control the weather, eternal youth, and a vagina that births solid gold babies. They had better not disappoint her.
3,000 miles away Lisa and NeNe go shopping on Rodeo Drive. NeNe comments that she feels uncomfortable since everyone there looks rich and clean, like they don’t need a bath. Apparently NeNe usually goes dumpster diving with hobos to get her fashions.
The ladies lunch, and NeNe weirdly calls everyone “dahling” and complains about people in LA being phony. She stops mid-sentence to shout that the wine they ordered is “some bullshit wine” and tells the waitress to bring them a couple of “Miss Thangs” instead. When the waitress is all “What the fuck is that?” NeNe says that it’s a margarita with some OJ. See! Bethenny Frankel isn’t the only housewife who can trademark a cocktail. Take your SkinnyGirl empire and shove it up your well-toned ass.
The Miss Thangs arrive and conversation moves on to Kim. Lisa is still upset that Kim has been telling everyone she is a crackwhore but would still like to have a sit-down with her. However, she can’t guarantee she won’t try to rip off her wig in the process. Sorry Lisa, Sheree beat you to it! You can rip off her merkin instead.
After lunch the ladies head to Inglewood for a visit with Lisa’s parents. Ever tactful, NeNe marvels out loud about how small and different the elderly couple look. After introductions, they have a very deep and serious chat about the complexities of being an interracial couple in predominantly black Inglewood that feels really out of place in this campy and ridiculous program.
Back in the ATL, Sheree is holding model castings for her upcoming fashion show. She says she’s looking for Kate Moss/ Naomi Campbell types. In Atlanta. With her budget. Good luck.
The event coordinator serves up a big pile of modelfail. Don’t get me wrong, Sheree is a diva monster, but even I can agree that these models are HORRIBLE. One girl even elicits an audible “aw hell no” from Ms. Whitfield. Needless to say, the ball is dropped, and Sheree demands that things turn up in the future.
Over in LA, it’s party time! Lisa and NeNe roll up to granmama’s retirement home for the birthday party. NeNe is shocked at the number of Asians at the party. Apparently, she didn't realize that when someone is half Asian that means that half of their family is Asian. NeNe very appropriately and politically correctly asks Lisa if she can speak “that language.”
Next, it’s time to meet Granmama! She’s barely lucid but has fabulous skin, which Lisa attributes to smearing Vaseline on her face daily. Here I thought that was just for hood chicks who were about to beat a bitch’s ass, but it’s also for tiny Chinese grandmothers who want to turn back the clock. Learning!
As the party draws to a close, NeNe pulls Lisa aside and breaks the news to her that she won’t be going to Meho’s grave. She just doesn’t feel comfortable, which is understandable since she’d never met the guy.
Across the nation, Kim and Kandi get lunch at a Claim Jumper knockoff called “Stony River.” Kandi orders something non-alcoholic and Kim orders a bottle of wine to her dome. The waiter begins to pour a taste for Kim but she yells that she doesn’t want any of that fancy shit and tells him to just pour pour pour pour pour. What a class act.
Kim proceeds to get hammered. After chucking a copy of “Don’t be Tardy For the Party” at Kandi’s head, Kim starts slurrily talking shit about the other ladies while Kandi mainly stays quiet and makes uncomfortable faces. When the topic moves to Lisa, Kim does another muppetesque full-body eye roll and mumbles about three dollar bills before vomiting all over the table and passing out in her steak’n’shrimp.
It’s serious time in Los Angeles as Lisa and her relatives visit Meho’s grave, which is sad. Everyone talks at the grave at once, saying how they miss him and there’s nobody who will replace him. Things start to get weird when Lisa’s brother Andre pulls out a flask and pours it over the grave rap video style. Lisa is less than pleased.
After the day’s emotional events, Lisa and NeNe decompress on the rooftop of their hotel. They agree that coming from rags to riches is great, but assure each other that they’re still real. Unlike Kim, who is a tickety tack trailer park mess.
Then, just as you thought the episode was drawing to a close, Clippers the Gay Leprechaun arrives on the scene, and everybody shrieks at each other. The three scream back and forth and make jokes about him fucking Lisa’s husband. He tells her that he has something she doesn’t have. In case we didn’t get his joke, he hammers the punch line into our heads, saying that sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don’t. The three release their banshee wails at eachother while we all collectively barf all over ourselves.
Coming up next week is NeNe’s alter ego photoshoot. This means we have lots of pictures of the ladies in whore clothes and Kim in blackface to look forward to. I for one cannot wait.
Monday, August 31, 2009
True Blood Recap: Sookie takes charge and discovers a giant demon egg.
The penultimate episode of season two opens on Vampire Queen Sophie-Anne feeding on the thighs of Sookie’s cousin Hadley. Those Stackhouses certainly love reckless behavior. Bill makes an “ahem” noise, and tells the queen that he needs help with his Maenad problem. She says she can help him out, but first he’s gotta chill for a while.
Back in Bon Temps, Hoyt is mighty mad at Jessica for biting his momma. Jessica says that she did it because of the nasty things she was saying about Hoyt, but Hoyt tells her that she’s his momma, so she’s allowed to. She realizes that maybe she effed up and starts to apologize, but Hoyt gathers up his batshit zombie-eyed mom and goes home in a huff.
Over at Lafayette’s, he, Sookie, and Lettie Mae are trying to keep a lid on Tara’s crazy. Even though they got rid of her zombie googly eyes, Tara is still dickmatized by Eggs, and is demanding that everyone let her go so she can save him. She also says a bunch of really mean things to all of them. Not entirely the best strategy to get released, in my opinion.
All three tell Tara she crazy, and they’re not going to let her go back to the Maenad orgy den. Lafayette pulls out a pair of fur handcuffs from his pocket and locks Tara to the coffee table to further prove this point. After hearing bacchanalia cries off in the distance, Lafayette grabs a rifle and heads to the porch to keep watch.
Over at Merlotte’s, after Sam finishes schooling Jason and Andy on Shapeshifter 101 they argue about how to solve a problem like Maryann. Jason and Andy want to go raid the police station and enact some country justice on her, but Sam tells them their plan is futile, since Maryann can’t be killed. Sam fails to convince them, and the two head for the sheriff’s station.
Back on his porch, Lafayette and Sookie have a heart to heart about their shared nasty blood-drinking induced sex dreams about Eric. Both find them very disturbing, since they are decidedly anti-Eric. His Viking vampire sex blood is just too powerful.
Lettie Mae bursts outside, sobbing and praying as always. She begs Lafayette and Sookie to take over Tara watch for her, since she’s getting really nasty and Lettie Mae simply can’t take it any more. After assuring Lafayette that she knows her way around a rifle from all the times she used to shoot cats for doing their business in her front yard (not joking), he hands her the gun. Which she immediately turns on them! Deception! See, Tara convinced Lettie Mae to help her escape, telling her she’ll forgive her for everything if she just lets her go. Since she’s so desperate for Tara’s love, Lettie Mae agrees, allowing Tara to steal Sookie’s car and hightail it to Maenad Manor.
Over at the sheriff’s station, Jason distracts the sexed up receptionist while Andy raids the gun cabinet. However, he’s interrupted mid-raid by a pantsless Sheriff Dearborn, wildly firing his gun in the air and square dancing all over the room. After indulging him in a dance for a hot minute, Andy wrestles the gun out of the sheriff’s hands, prompting the little man run off giggling into the dark.
At his house, Lafayette is having a PTSD freakout from having a gun pointed at him and hallucinates seeing Eric in the place of Lettie Mae, paisley dress and all. Needless to say, it’s REEEALLLLYYY weird. Sookie tells him to sack up and then launches a carved wood ashtray at Lettie Mae’s head. The two grab her gun and go after Tara in Lafayette’s fabuloisitymobile.
Meanwhile, Tara arrives at the Stackhouse home-cum-freak show to rescue Eggs. Her attempted prison break is interrupted when Maryann suddenly appears. Tara is all “you’re evil! We’re leaving!” and then Maryann is all “but you’re the one who summoned me” and then Tara’s all “whaaaa?” Apparently, that vision of herself as a little girl Tara saw during her “exorcism” was Maryann. Even though Miss Jeanette was a fake, the chanting and magic she was using was real. Or at least real enough to summon a hedonistic Greek sex freak like Maryann. If only she had known, Miss Jeanette could have partnered with Hustler and made a KILLING. Such a missed opportunity!
Maryann starts vibrating all over the place, but Tara says that shit doesn’t work on her anymore. However, apparently punches in the face do, as Maryann makes Tara revert to her former obsidian-eyed self by doing just that. She and Eggs giggle and run upstairs to bone.
The freakish townspeople burst into the house, excited to tell Maryann the good news about the god coming and smiting Sam. Maryann is pissed at how dumb everyone is, and makes a high pitched squeaking sound out of a mystery orifice to punish everyone. After they all flee in terror, she goes off in a huff to solve the problem herself.
On to the Fortenberry household, where Maxine is making what appears to be a potato chip cheese hot sauce snickers bar casserole for the God Who Comes. Apparently Dionysus is a huge stoner. Seriously, is it wrong that it looked kinda good? Hoyt tries to talk her down, but she counters his kindness with her usual assholity. She tells Hoyt he’s always prevented her from doing the things she wanted to do. She also lets him know that she thought his daddy was probably gay, and that she lied when she told him he died protecting the family from a robber. Apparently Hoyt’s dad actually shot himself. She goes on making her Cheech and Chong special while Hoyt cries naked in the shower while cutting himself (not really).
During an apparent lull in being hounded by zombie sex perverts, Sam heads over to Fangtasia to ask Eric for help. After being a total condescending dick, Eric agrees to help since he figures it’ll win him brownie points with Sookie. Eric bids everyone adieu and then shoots into the sky like a rocket. Apparently vampires can travel by ass cannon.
Back at Sophie-Anne’s casa de crazy, Bill is forced to drink the blood of a Latvian twink who offers to make the sex with him if he’d like. Bill politely refuses. Bill, Sophie-Anne, Mr. Gay Latvia 2009, and Sookie’s cousin Hadley move on to a game of Yahtzee. Bill reminds the Queen that he really must be leaving, after which she FINALLY gives him the information he came for.
She says that what Maryann really wants is for the God Who Comes to actually come and eat her alive, and not in the sexy-times way. The immortal Maenad actually wants to die. Ironic, huh? So, the only way for her to die is to get the god to actually come so she’ll let herself be killed. This seems easier said than done to me. The next episode has some serious ‘splainin to do.
Sophie-Anne gets word Eric has arrived, so Bill makes his exit. On the way out, the vampire frenemies flex at eachother and argue about who is more awesome. Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie or he’ll snitch to the Queen about his V side business. Well played, Mr. Compton.
Sookie and Lafayette arrive at the Stackhouse home and get ambushed by Terry and Arlene, who demand a hundred jillion gazillion dollars as a toll. Unable to pay, Lafayette offers them some ecstasy instead. Arlene is hesitant at first, since drugs are bad and just say no and stuff, but changes her mind when Terry tells her it makes sexytimes better. Lafayette distracts them by throwing out the E like chickenfeed while Sookie runs into the house.
While that’s going on, Andy and Jason arrive at the scene in Jason’s truck. Jason wonders whether Sam ever made it with a lady dog while he was in canine form. He then asks why Andy hates him. Andy tells him it’s because he thinks Jason has everything. After Jason reminds him that his parents are dead and his grandmother was murdered by his best friend, Andy realizes that both their lives are pretty shitty and the two make up.
On the other side of the house, Lafayette runs into Maryann and Karl while standing guard. He shoots her, but homegirl deflects the bullet off of her Kevlar Minotaur hands into Karl’s head, killing him. Maryann’s a little bummed, but then remembers Lafayette can also cook. Uh oh.
Inside the house, the Bon Tempians are cutting off their fingers and playing with intestines. Sookie gets near-raped by Mike Spencer in the exact same spot where her Gran died (creepy), but she gets out of it by bopping him on the head with a frying pan.
She heads upstairs to her room to find Tara and Eggs smashing all her cute crystal tchotchkes. She starts yelling at them, but then notices that there is a gross nest with a gigantic demon egg in the middle of her bed. Guys, she has sex there! So rude. She turns around to run, but is stopped by newly bezombied Lafayette. Sookie screams aaaaaaaaand- CREDITS! Waa waaaaaaa.
Seriously though, these weekly cliffhangers are getting mighty tiresome. See you again in TWO GODDAMNED WEEKS when all this is hopefully resolved in the season finale.
Back in Bon Temps, Hoyt is mighty mad at Jessica for biting his momma. Jessica says that she did it because of the nasty things she was saying about Hoyt, but Hoyt tells her that she’s his momma, so she’s allowed to. She realizes that maybe she effed up and starts to apologize, but Hoyt gathers up his batshit zombie-eyed mom and goes home in a huff.
Over at Lafayette’s, he, Sookie, and Lettie Mae are trying to keep a lid on Tara’s crazy. Even though they got rid of her zombie googly eyes, Tara is still dickmatized by Eggs, and is demanding that everyone let her go so she can save him. She also says a bunch of really mean things to all of them. Not entirely the best strategy to get released, in my opinion.
All three tell Tara she crazy, and they’re not going to let her go back to the Maenad orgy den. Lafayette pulls out a pair of fur handcuffs from his pocket and locks Tara to the coffee table to further prove this point. After hearing bacchanalia cries off in the distance, Lafayette grabs a rifle and heads to the porch to keep watch.
Over at Merlotte’s, after Sam finishes schooling Jason and Andy on Shapeshifter 101 they argue about how to solve a problem like Maryann. Jason and Andy want to go raid the police station and enact some country justice on her, but Sam tells them their plan is futile, since Maryann can’t be killed. Sam fails to convince them, and the two head for the sheriff’s station.
Back on his porch, Lafayette and Sookie have a heart to heart about their shared nasty blood-drinking induced sex dreams about Eric. Both find them very disturbing, since they are decidedly anti-Eric. His Viking vampire sex blood is just too powerful.
Lettie Mae bursts outside, sobbing and praying as always. She begs Lafayette and Sookie to take over Tara watch for her, since she’s getting really nasty and Lettie Mae simply can’t take it any more. After assuring Lafayette that she knows her way around a rifle from all the times she used to shoot cats for doing their business in her front yard (not joking), he hands her the gun. Which she immediately turns on them! Deception! See, Tara convinced Lettie Mae to help her escape, telling her she’ll forgive her for everything if she just lets her go. Since she’s so desperate for Tara’s love, Lettie Mae agrees, allowing Tara to steal Sookie’s car and hightail it to Maenad Manor.
Over at the sheriff’s station, Jason distracts the sexed up receptionist while Andy raids the gun cabinet. However, he’s interrupted mid-raid by a pantsless Sheriff Dearborn, wildly firing his gun in the air and square dancing all over the room. After indulging him in a dance for a hot minute, Andy wrestles the gun out of the sheriff’s hands, prompting the little man run off giggling into the dark.
At his house, Lafayette is having a PTSD freakout from having a gun pointed at him and hallucinates seeing Eric in the place of Lettie Mae, paisley dress and all. Needless to say, it’s REEEALLLLYYY weird. Sookie tells him to sack up and then launches a carved wood ashtray at Lettie Mae’s head. The two grab her gun and go after Tara in Lafayette’s fabuloisitymobile.
Meanwhile, Tara arrives at the Stackhouse home-cum-freak show to rescue Eggs. Her attempted prison break is interrupted when Maryann suddenly appears. Tara is all “you’re evil! We’re leaving!” and then Maryann is all “but you’re the one who summoned me” and then Tara’s all “whaaaa?” Apparently, that vision of herself as a little girl Tara saw during her “exorcism” was Maryann. Even though Miss Jeanette was a fake, the chanting and magic she was using was real. Or at least real enough to summon a hedonistic Greek sex freak like Maryann. If only she had known, Miss Jeanette could have partnered with Hustler and made a KILLING. Such a missed opportunity!
Maryann starts vibrating all over the place, but Tara says that shit doesn’t work on her anymore. However, apparently punches in the face do, as Maryann makes Tara revert to her former obsidian-eyed self by doing just that. She and Eggs giggle and run upstairs to bone.
The freakish townspeople burst into the house, excited to tell Maryann the good news about the god coming and smiting Sam. Maryann is pissed at how dumb everyone is, and makes a high pitched squeaking sound out of a mystery orifice to punish everyone. After they all flee in terror, she goes off in a huff to solve the problem herself.
On to the Fortenberry household, where Maxine is making what appears to be a potato chip cheese hot sauce snickers bar casserole for the God Who Comes. Apparently Dionysus is a huge stoner. Seriously, is it wrong that it looked kinda good? Hoyt tries to talk her down, but she counters his kindness with her usual assholity. She tells Hoyt he’s always prevented her from doing the things she wanted to do. She also lets him know that she thought his daddy was probably gay, and that she lied when she told him he died protecting the family from a robber. Apparently Hoyt’s dad actually shot himself. She goes on making her Cheech and Chong special while Hoyt cries naked in the shower while cutting himself (not really).
During an apparent lull in being hounded by zombie sex perverts, Sam heads over to Fangtasia to ask Eric for help. After being a total condescending dick, Eric agrees to help since he figures it’ll win him brownie points with Sookie. Eric bids everyone adieu and then shoots into the sky like a rocket. Apparently vampires can travel by ass cannon.
Back at Sophie-Anne’s casa de crazy, Bill is forced to drink the blood of a Latvian twink who offers to make the sex with him if he’d like. Bill politely refuses. Bill, Sophie-Anne, Mr. Gay Latvia 2009, and Sookie’s cousin Hadley move on to a game of Yahtzee. Bill reminds the Queen that he really must be leaving, after which she FINALLY gives him the information he came for.
She says that what Maryann really wants is for the God Who Comes to actually come and eat her alive, and not in the sexy-times way. The immortal Maenad actually wants to die. Ironic, huh? So, the only way for her to die is to get the god to actually come so she’ll let herself be killed. This seems easier said than done to me. The next episode has some serious ‘splainin to do.
Sophie-Anne gets word Eric has arrived, so Bill makes his exit. On the way out, the vampire frenemies flex at eachother and argue about who is more awesome. Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie or he’ll snitch to the Queen about his V side business. Well played, Mr. Compton.
Sookie and Lafayette arrive at the Stackhouse home and get ambushed by Terry and Arlene, who demand a hundred jillion gazillion dollars as a toll. Unable to pay, Lafayette offers them some ecstasy instead. Arlene is hesitant at first, since drugs are bad and just say no and stuff, but changes her mind when Terry tells her it makes sexytimes better. Lafayette distracts them by throwing out the E like chickenfeed while Sookie runs into the house.
While that’s going on, Andy and Jason arrive at the scene in Jason’s truck. Jason wonders whether Sam ever made it with a lady dog while he was in canine form. He then asks why Andy hates him. Andy tells him it’s because he thinks Jason has everything. After Jason reminds him that his parents are dead and his grandmother was murdered by his best friend, Andy realizes that both their lives are pretty shitty and the two make up.
On the other side of the house, Lafayette runs into Maryann and Karl while standing guard. He shoots her, but homegirl deflects the bullet off of her Kevlar Minotaur hands into Karl’s head, killing him. Maryann’s a little bummed, but then remembers Lafayette can also cook. Uh oh.
Inside the house, the Bon Tempians are cutting off their fingers and playing with intestines. Sookie gets near-raped by Mike Spencer in the exact same spot where her Gran died (creepy), but she gets out of it by bopping him on the head with a frying pan.
She heads upstairs to her room to find Tara and Eggs smashing all her cute crystal tchotchkes. She starts yelling at them, but then notices that there is a gross nest with a gigantic demon egg in the middle of her bed. Guys, she has sex there! So rude. She turns around to run, but is stopped by newly bezombied Lafayette. Sookie screams aaaaaaaaand- CREDITS! Waa waaaaaaa.
Seriously though, these weekly cliffhangers are getting mighty tiresome. See you again in TWO GODDAMNED WEEKS when all this is hopefully resolved in the season finale.
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