Rachel Zoe Recap: Annie shuts that shit down.

Rachel Zoe returns and we go BA-NANAS.

The second season opener begins in media res as Rachel stresses over an offending puddle of camouflage tulle on the floor. Through editing we’re filled in on the events that have transpired since we last saw the Zoe Camp. Since last year, the mantid fashionista moved her business into a suspiciously recession-sized smaller “loft,” and she and her foppish dandy of a husband into a similarly in-this-economy-sized apartment. So long fabulous WeHo hills house! Associates Brad and Taylor are also no longer fighting like cats in an LV tote, and are now the best of friends. For now.

After our quick refresher, the episode commences in earnest. It’s Golden Globes season, which means the Zoe Camp is going ba-nanas. Taylor angrily over enunciates to the camera about how many hats she wears and how she’s the one who makes sure things get done, while Brad puts on a sparkly fairy dress and imitates Rachel. Both are highly important tasks.

Rachel calls for a team meeting in the fetid Zoe shanty. She lets Brad and Taylor know that in order to free up space during awards season they’ll have to move their desks to the loft area with leper assistant Marisa. Both let out long-winded whines that essentially boil down to “But I don’t wannaaaaa!” After much bellyaching, Rachel informs them that she has become a “bizznatch” this week, and they will in fact be moving upstairs with Typhoid Marisa. No offense.

Back to the Globes! This year Rachel will be styling Debra Messing, Demi Moore, Anne Hathaway, Eva Mendez, and Cameron Diaz. Or, as Rachel refers to them, Deb, Demi, Annie, Eva, and Cam.

Now that the clients are set, it’s time for a dress selection montage. All the samples they’ve been given are “snoozaroo,” Eva’s Dior dress was sent to Chanel (!), and Debra’s is M.I.A!

We learn that things this year are bad. Apparently in this economy designers will not overnight FedEx couture ball gowns halfway across the world without a guarantee they’ll be worn. And you thought the auto industry had it bad. But the Zoe Camp will press on! Award shows are about pleasing the masses and they must do their civic duty!

Rachel tells us about a pink Chanel couture gown she saw in Paris which she absolutely died for. Everyone agrees it’ll be perfect for Cameron, and Rach thinks she can get it. However, she’s worried that the American public can’t comprehend that there is a sleeve on the dress, which means she’ll have to ask Karl Lagerfeld for alterations. Scary!

Meanwhile, Brad and Taylor are still upset about being put in the loft, so they decide to play a hilarious prank on Rachel wherein they move their desks back downstairs. Rachel returns and is predictably annoyed. Taylor whines that it’s too hot up in the loft and that they don’t want to be up there with stinky disease ridden slob Marisa. Marisa is nonplussed by this statement.

We’re then reminded for the hundredth time that it’s Golden Globes week and Rachel needs gowns, in case we all forgot. Thankfully a new shipment has arrived. Rachel says that if she doesn’t see the white of Eva’s dress pop out of one of the garment bags, she will literally jump out the window. The dress is pink. Rachel goes barreling towards the window and leaps through the glass, a whirling dervish of extensions and baubles. Thankfully, she survives the fall and resumes command of Team Zoe.

Brad remarks that gowns and accessories are to Rachel the way medicine and surgical tools are to a doctor. So in a way, Rachel is just like a surgeon, if not more important, because scalpels are ugly and beading is pretty.

On to Anne Hathaway: Rachel settles on a blue Armani Prive creation. She summons clothes hanger/intern Jordan to try the dress on, since Taylor’s breasts are too huge to squeeze into the Lilliputian gown. Taylor sneers. Brad says that trying on fancy ball gowns is the dream of every girl, as well as some boys (read: him). Rachel decides that this dress is in the one, since there’s never been a “big navy moment” on the red carpet, so Anne will shut it down. Except Debra will also be wearing navy. So never mind.

Back at her pity party of one, Taylor complains that her career with Rachel is at a standstill. You see, when she started she was promised growth potential, and now three years later she is still doing the same job. I smell a plot arc!

Back at the studio, word has come from Paris! Karl Lagerfeld has descended from his black and white death palace to proclaim that he will remove the sleeves. Now the American public will be able to wrap their puny minds around his couture creation. Everyone lauds Rachel for her balls and moxie. But! Chanel says that they don’t know when they will be able to deliver the dress. Rachel worries that it won’t arrive in time for the awards and her prestigious name will be dragged through the mud. Brad counters by doing a non-sequitor impression of Taylor. Touché.

Later, Taylor rides in holding the missing Dior gown for Eva, and everyone proclaims that she is a rock star. Then everyone calls her fat.

OMG one day left to the Globes! Time to start putting together the full looks. Brad and Rachel go skipping to Rodeo Drive for jewelry while Taylor shuffles off to buy shoes.

Rachel tells us that Debra’s outfit cries out for gigantic emeralds, Eva’s dress screams “I NEED TURQUOISE,” Annie will shine in diamonds, and Cameron aches for opals. Rachel is the gemstone whisperer.

At the loft, Cameron’s dress has arrived from Chanel! Everyone is exuberant, but will it fit? Yes, it will! The sleeve is gone, and America’s collective heads will no longer explode upon tuning in to the red carpet.

Now it’s time for the fittings, which unfortunately we don’t get to see as no A-list star in their right mind would allow a Bravo film crew in their homes, jerks. All go swimmingly, but as they head home Team Zoe gets a call that there is a black spot on Eva’s white dress! After everyone finishes shrieking and crying, Taylor is sent over to fix the dot, which turns out to be the size of a pencil tip rather than a black hole. Crisis averted! With the fire at Eva’s put out, Taylor grumpily pouts that she will go home, to hell with the team’s traditional red carpet viewing party.

Brad and Rachel soldier on to coo and squawk while they watch their creations strut down the carpet. “Demi is beyond!” “Deb is like a tall drink of water!” “Eva is a Rachel Zoe special!” “Annie is shutting it down!” Rachel remarks that for Cameron, she feels like she conceived, gestated, and birthed this look. Gross.

Everyone’s Blackberries are abuzz with kudos, but they are bittersweet since Taylor wasn’t there to enjoy their success with them. Rachel’s spirits are cheered slightly when a hand written note from Karl Lagerfeld himself arrives congratulating her. She commands Quasimarisa to frame the note and put it on her wall. She has graduated from the school of Chanel!

And so episode one ends on a high note. The previews promise lots more laughter, tears, fighting, Taylor scowls, and ball gowns. Lets hope they deliver.

Plug!

Hey! Check out this Bourne Identity parody my brother and a couple of his friends made. Like what would happen if Bobby Flay had amnesia and was figuring out who he was. TO THE EXTREME.

The Island told me you should fuck Kate.

I have come across what may be the most amazing thing on YouTube I have ever seen. A guy who goes by the name KCSCougar has made a series of animated videos based on basically all the TV shows I love. Lost, Hills, Housewives. They're GREAT. Do yourself a favor an watch them ASAP.

Real Housewives of New York City Reunion



"COUNTESS!"

The Hills: Stephanie Prints Labels



"People's Revolution needs labels!"

Ode to the Millionaire Matchmaker



"Dude, that fits in your vagina?!"

And finally, LOST: John Locke is Bored.



"The island said to fuck her. No matter what."

So. Good. Check out his actual YouTube page too, theres more where these came from!

On the Lost season finale.

SO HOW ABOUT THAT LOST SEASON FINALE?! In those two marathon hours we ran the gamut of human emotion: joy, sadness, fear, terror, rage, sleep (I had an early morning! so sue me), frustration, and GOD DAMN IT ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER I HAVE TO WAIT 9 MONTHS TO RESOLVE. All stages to acceptance of Lost's abusive boyfriend-eque role in our lives.

However, I've come to the decision that I liked the finale, although right after it ended I had a different opinion. Initially I felt like it was more of the same, with familiar plot deviced like introducing new riddles to replace old ones that had been solved, Kate irrationally making a decision based on Jack's irrational decisions, someone dying, and maddening cliffhangers.

BUT! After giving it about a week to marinate, I am now of a different opinion. Although it did have some familiar Lostian conventions, I think it did a good job of setting the stage for the (hopefully) revealing last season. For instance, we were introduced to Jacob, in all his blonde scruffy glory (is it just me or was he kinda dreamy?), as well as the passive contributions he apparently has been making throughout all the protagonists lives in order to get them to where they are today. Which when you think about it is kind of a "holy shit" moment. We also were introduced to Jacob's (possible) nemesis, whom some blogs are dubbing "Esau." It looks like Jacob has apparently been battling this Esau dude for a long, long, at-least-dating-back-to-the-black-rock's-arrival long, time. Is this battle the reason for all the shit going on up in this bitch?

Which reminds me, speaking of holy shit moments! We learned that "John Locke" this season wasn't in fact John Locke at all, but Esau taking the form of the fersure dead, cold as ice, dead as a doornail, forever dead, dead dead deadski real John Locke. So looks like Esau can take the form of dead peeps on the island, which would explain the "ghosts" of people like Yemi, Claire, Jack's dad, and others showing up to people throughout the series. Maybs Jacob and Esau are battling for control of the island by using the protags as pawns? Jacob's passive manipulation of events and Esau's making Ben stab Jacob would suggest that neither can actively change the course of events, but rather passively influence things. Which, as mentioned on the Jezebel recap, is supported by the reveal that the statue on the island is of the Egyptian crocodilehead god (wouldn't it be awesome if there was a chickenhead god?) Sobek. According to the allmighty Wikipedia, ol' croccyface is credited as "having a more distant role, nudging things along, rather than taking an active part" compared to other gods. So is Jacob's job to give the old nudgy-nudge to the events of time? So many new things to consider! And also, did Jacob really die when Ben stabbed him?

This stuff, along with other big reveals like Ilana knowing more than she lets on, and also the whole JULIET BEING ALIVE LONG ENOUGH TO BLOW UP THE FUCKING ISLAND THING are all set to make the next season a very good one, although it is one we have to wait a whole 9 goddamn months for ABC to birth out of it's snood. So I know it was frustrating to not have more of a release, but I can wait. And honestly, it's Lost. What did y'all expect? The whole thing is a 6 season long case of blueballs.

P.S. who else is sick of Kate? She stopped being a compelling character AGES ago. Homegirl needs to go ahead and get dead quick.

Defending the Housewives

I watch a lot of tv (which is hardly news). And as I've mentioned before, I watch a lot of reality TV in specific. As many of my fellow reality fans can surely relate to, this causes me to get a lot of shit. From pretty much everybody. Coworkers, friends, et cetera et cetera forevera forevera. For example:

INT: An apartment. NOAH walks in. He greets his FRIEND.

NOAH: Hey! Oh my God, did you SEE the Real Housewives of New York City reunion?

FRIEND:...no.

NOAH: It was so good! Kelly is such an idiot, am I right? And how AWESOME was it when LuAnn told Ramona she had crazy eyes.

FRIEND: I have no idea what you're saying to me right now. I honestly can't believe you watch that. It exists solely to make people dumber.

NOAH looks sad. Cut to scene of Noah in shower, crying and cutting.

END SCENE

Seriously though, why is there such a stigma attached to watching so-called "bottom of the barrel" programming? Why is my love of ladies acting terrible so much worse than someone watching CSI, Law and Order (any of them, take your pick), or god forbid fucking Two and a Half Men.

Why does everyone for some reason have to act like there is some sort of good/not good hierarchy they have to abide by? It's television. You sit on a couch and watch it, sometimes in your underpants. Sometimes you fart while you do it. Whether it's The Wire or Rock of Love IV: Dogsled, theres nothing inherently dignified about it. One shouldn't be defined as a person by television they watch, movies they see, or music they listen to. If you did then you would be me circa ages 12 to 17, which I can assure you is anything but cool. Not being embarrassed by liking what is "not cool" is part of growing up! It's the same reason your parents rave about how great "Monk" is, or why your Grandma can't stop wearing that sweatshirt with the cat's showing their assholes on it (you know which one I'm talking about). They love it, so they do it!

The main purpose of TV is to entertain, and at best leave you with something to think about afterwards. And I can assure you, one episode of Daisy of Love will leave you with 100 more things to think about than an episode of The Office or The Wire EVER will.

So lighten up, guys! It's TV! Just relax and enjoy it.

Do not want.

"Defecography is an x ray of the anorectal area that evaluates completeness of stool elimination, identifies anorectal abnormalities, and evaluates rectal muscle contractions and relaxation. During the exam, the doctor fills the rectum with a soft paste that is the same consistency as stool. The patient sits on a toilet positioned inside an x ray machine and then relaxes and squeezes the anus to expel the paste. The doctor studies the x rays for anorectal problems that occurred as the paste was expelled."

Worstquality Returns, or the time I saw Janice Dickinson at Starbucks

Apologies for the long no-post gap. I was [insert made up excuse for my laziness].

So the other day I stopped at the Starbucks on Sunset next to Saddle Ranch (the Saddle Rance of D-list reality show weave-pulling fame)on my way to work. I don't usually go there, because the parking lot is tiny and an s-show, but I had a giftcard.

So I park my car, and walk up to the door just as an extremely thin woman walks out with her arm around some old dude. The old man was nondescript in a pea coat, but the woman looked ridiculous. Like I said she was skeleton-thin, and had a scary plastic surgery face with big monster lips and cheek implants. Also, she was kinda old, and not wearing makeup, which made her face look like a weird paper bag mask. Kinda like the Fandango puppets only anorexic and more rumpled. Her outfit was similarly nuts: leggings (natch), Ed Hardy t-shirt and matching Ed Hardy sweatshirt (vom), and one of those knit caps with the pom pom and the ear flaps, making her look like she was from Hollywood via Lapland.

So anyway, I keep going on my merry way until I hear an unmistakable loud whisky-voice. Its at that point I realize its no mere, woman, but...



JANICE DICKINSON!

Ok so thats not Janice Dickinson, its Zorak in a wig, but its 6 of one, half a dozen of another, ya know?

Seriously though, best LA celebrity sighting to date. I just wish it wasn't 8 in the morning so she was more lucid and doing crazy stuff. Oh well...