Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Real Housewives of Miami: Welcome to the New Nightmare
Housewives! At every turn! Wherever you look: housewives. Under that rock: housewives! In the trees: housewives! Hiding under your front stoop: housewives! They're inescapable, they're everywhere!
Indeed, another gaggle of screaming ladies has birthed, fully formed out of Andy Cohen's head like so many be-boobed Athenas. I have to admit, I was a little skeptical about a Miami season when I first heard about it, since I feel like Miami as a reality show archetype has kind of been done to death. But! I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. These bitches crazy! Or at the very least, they promise to be entertaining TV, and I'm excited. Since the first episode was basically getting to meet everyone more than any kind of narrative drama, for this recap I'll just introduce our new gang of tropical harpies. Let's begin.
Lea is the Jill Zarin of this group. She's brassy, older, (possibly) Jewish. She’s also kind of a Vicki Gunvalson type too. She owns some sort of public relations business or event planning or something, it wasn't really clear. Point being, she throws parties for a living, and is VERY IMPORTANT. She kinda seems like a clinical narcissist to me. Well, I mean, all the various housewives are clinical narcissists to a certain extent, but Lea seems especially so, always talking about needing to be around important people and big movers and shakers and stuff and how she can smell money and status like it’s blood in the water (maybe she didn’t say that last part). There's also something a bit unstable about her that I can't put my finger on. Maybe it's the frazzled hair, or slightly over-applied make-up, but she seems like the type to have a psychotic break some day and burn down her house or something.
Other than that though! Lea seems to have pretty normal family life: husband who seems to be the same age as her, and normal-seeming son, although maybe not that normal, since they had a portrait commissioned off him and hung above the pool (?). And actually, no, she's not that normal at all! She met her husband when she was a juror and he was a lawyer in a trial in the 80's. So no, that's weird. She's a weirdo, just maybe hides it a bit better than other people.
Larsa is made of noodles and covered in gravy. She is also married to Scottie Pippen, so she is probably loaded. That seems to be the major identifier of her, since other than that so far she’s pretty meh. She's got 4 kids, lives in Ft. Lauderdale (CHEATER! THAT IS NOT MIAMI! GET OFF THIS SHOW! CHEATER!), blah blah boring boring. At one point she shot guns with her brother and sister, so that was you know, something that happened. I dunno, right now I'm not into her. She seems boring and also maybe secretly mean in that passive-aggressive pretty girl way. Right now I'm not into her. We'll see though! Maybe she'll turn into a table-flipping mosnter, who knows!
Cristy sucks. She just has that mean girl lilt in her voice that screams "I'm a bitch!" you know? Like she thinks she is amazing and the funniest and prettiest and best person ever, but she’s not. She's obviously going to be the one that stirs all the shit this season but not in a fun organic way. In an intentional way.
She was married to some sports star once, a while ago, and that seems to be all she's done so far. I don't think she works? Though I don't remember, she might have some sort of bullshit job. Mainly she sits around and bitchily sips mojitos with her friends and says backhanded statements while looking like a cut-rate Mary Louise Parker. Overall, I say blech, Cristy. Blech!
Alexia describes herself as Barbie, but with a brain. She said something about how Barbie doesn't have a voice, but she has a voice, so she looks like Barbie, but you know, she's not ACTUALLY Barbie. It was kind of rambling, but yes, Alexia looks like a Barbie kinda. She is very fit and blonde and Cuban and owns some sort of Spanish-language lifestyle magazine or something. She has an older husband but is TOTALLY not self-conscious about it. Nope! Not at all! Some people might say that you know, she's a certain way because she looks a certain way, and her husband looks a certain way, but you know, she's not that certain way! Basically, she wants to say that she may seem like a gold digger, but she is so NOT a gold digger. Between the Barbie defense and the gold digger defense, Alexia seems a wee bit insecure, don't you think?
Let's see, Alexia also has two sons who she seems to have a pretty laissez-faire attitude towards. Her younger son seems ok, maybe a little aloof, but it's clear that her older 17 year old son is an idiot. (At one point he asks her what "grass fed" means.) He also wants to be a model/actor (of course he does), so Alexia lectures him about how he needs to eat well and work out compulsively and make sure to do his daily barfing exercises.
He also mentions drinking and getting bottle service at a club (again, he’s 17). Alexia does her best Amy Poehler in Mean Girls and is all "Well you know, Miami is a very international city, so kids drink here. I'd rather I know about it than not." She's also letting him go on a cruise with his girlfriend? That's weird right? I mean, look, far be it from me to judge peoples' parenting tactics, but maybe that's the point when one's mothering is a bit TOO loose, ya know? When your drink-loving son goes on a sexy cruise with his underage girlfriend, it’s maybe time to pull in the reins a little bit. So yeah, that was the main gist of Alexia.
Whoo! Marysol has quite a face on her, doesn’t she? Everything all plumped and pulled and buffed and botoxed. She’s one of those ladies whose lips are so big that they hinder her ability to properly enunciate, though not quite as extreme as her mother (more on her in a minute). Like Lea, Marysol also owns some sort of PR-ish company in Miami, staffed entirely by young college-y girls who look like they stepped into PR after watching too many reality shows and episodes of Sex and the City. Marysol interviews that she is Miami through and through, and came up during the fabulous years, when Versace and Madonna lived there, and she “ran with that crowd” and it was fabulous. Why do I get the feeling that if you asked Madonna or Gianni Versace’s fabulous ghost who this big-lipped lady was they’d have no idea what you were talking about?
Anyway, Marysol is going through a big How Stella Got Her Groove Back phase after her husband left her a few years back, and now she dates all kinds of young menz. Right now she’s bonin’ some French dude named Jean Jacques Jorge or something and having herself a TIME. You go gurrrrrrl! Marysol is having so much fun getting her muthafuckin’ GROOVE on with her fine-ass French piece, she decides to go talk to her momma about it.
And, well let’s just get right to it. Marysol’s mother is a terrifying wine-swilling booze Jabba who lives in a boxy house that appears to be on the side of an interstate. Seriously, the woman looks nuts, all gigantic plastic surgery face with piercing beady owl eyes, swirling wine around and speaking crazyisms in her thick Cuban accent. I don’t really recall too much of what they talked about, since I was so transfixed by how insane the lady looked, but I think it was about Marysol’s sex life and how she should bring her French loverboy over because Marysol’s mother needs to feed on his lifeforce or something, I don’t know. Also, in a later episode she admits to being a witch (Or rather, “a weesh” as she says in her thick big lipped accent.) In short: I am obsessed. I DEMAND A SPINOFF!
Last but not least, the greatest thing about this show: Adriana. Sure, I know it might not be a popular opinion, people might prefer some of the more boring cast members, or the more ogrish mothers, but to me it’s all about Adriana. Full disclosure: I sort of have a thing for Brazilians on reality TV. Marcia from Rock of Love: Bus, Rodiney from The A List, Camilla Alves, I just love them! Something about their cartoonish sexuality and equally cartoonish accents just makes me squeal with joy. So, that being said, Adriana is the best Brazilian person on TV ever. How do I even start? So she lives in a fabulous seaside palace with her boyfriend (?) and her son, eating fabulous hardboiled eggs and drinking fabulous orange juice, and just fabulousing all the goddamned time..
However! Lest you think her life is all fabulous egg-eating, she also owns an art gallery (YES). Apparently she studied at the Sorbonne in Paris, and then went to law school, and then realized that she loves art. So yeah, she owns an art gallery, which I like to think is full of only soft focus photos of herself nude. Makes sense, right?
But yeah, it’s really not even any one thing that makes her great, it’s more her joie de vivre, her childlike joy with which she approaches everything in her life. Like when she goes to the fashion show with Larsa and Cristy, and she’s all “WOOOOOW!” and “OH MAH GAAAAAH!” and “LOOOK AT HEEEEM!” at all the male models, like each one is something new and exciting that she hasn’t seen. If only we could all be as joyful as Adriana, the world would be a better place, don’t you think?
So yeah, that’s about it for the ladies. Other stuff happened, they had a dinner party and lazily cooked things, Adriana sexy danced with two guys, you know, the usual. I’m excited though! This season looks very bitchy, which is always a good descriptor for these broads. Although, it looks like at one point everyone gangs up on Adriana, so I may have to stop watching if that happens. It will be too painful. Nobody will hurt my delicate Amazon rose! NOBODY!