Rachel Zoe Recap: La mante à Paris.

Well folks, we’ve reached the penultimate level of this weeks-long glimpse into the abyss known as the Rachel Zoe Project. I for one am glad it’s ending. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy watching this mess, but I think a few more episodes and my patience would be gone.

Anyway, this week, Le Camp du Zoe va a Paris. Well, Le Camp du Zoe sans Taylor, le femme discontent perpetuelle (this is fakey French, I believe). That’s right, Rachel, with Brad, Rodger, Marisa, and Makeup Gay in tow, fly off to that gleaming continental city of lights. As she lounges in her opulent hotel suite, Rachel says that she feels bad about Taylor not being able to come, and that she should be there. Well Rach, if you wanted Taylor to be there, why didn’t you, I don’t know, BRING HER! She proceeds to unpack an obscene amount of luggage while Rodger sits and quietly makes a doody in his pants.

After the gang all unpack and get settled, Rachel and Brad head off to the Christian LaCroix show, a designer I know mainly for the repeated mentions in AbFab. They watch a series of lace clad skele’ins strut down the runway and Rachel mutters something about “Parisian Chic.” Afterwards, Rachel weasels her way back stage and talks to LaCroix as if they are best friends, but it’s obvious he has no idea who she is.

Next up they go to a show by Ungaro, which I remember nothing from but feel like I should mention. Moving on.

Back in LA, Taylor and Intern Jordan are working on some looks for Eva Mendes, Jennifer Garnder, and Demi Moore, who it seems are their only clients. Seriously, all they do is style these three women, and while I guess they’re all pretty famous, I can’t see how styling them supports such an expensive production. Maybe Rachel is engaging in some human trafficking on the side to earn some extra income. Just a theory. Can you imagine though? “Brad, these Thai children are buh-nanas. Let’s edge them out with a romper and a sheepskin vest.”

A Paris, Brad and Rachel head to their private appointment to see Coco Chanel’s apartment, preserved as if she were still living in it. The place was nice, but kind of struck me as a really fancy version of the Winchester Mystery House. They both queen out like it’s some sort of big deal, though I think anyone with enough money/with a TV crew can get a private viewing of this place.

After the two finish shitting themselves in ecstasy and change their pants, they head to the Stella McCartney show. Rachel sees Paul McCartney and shits her dress again, and Brad has some drama about finding his seat. Rachel interviews that she liked the show and wants the chunky knits on her body, which sounds like some sort of euphemism for a disgusting sex act.

Afterwards, everyone heads out for some sightseeing. They all wind up at a fancy vintage store, ostensibly looking for a present for Taylor, although all that happens is Rachel buys a Chanel suit and forces Brad to buy a mediocre Dior trench for thousands of dollars, like a couture drug pusher (his words).

Across the pond in LA, Taylor is freaking out because a corporate client they had been styling for didn’t like any of the looks they gave them, so they need to find a whole new selection. After Rachel does some damage control, she sends Brad to get looks from twee forest elf Erin Featherston there in Paris while Taylor scouts out looks in LA. Between the two of them they get enough of a selection, and everything works out in the end.

After the fire is extinguished, they head off to the John Galliano show for some ridiculous clothes and fake snow (like snow snow, not the snow Rachel blows up Rodger’s butt during sex). Afterwards, Rachel says that she wants to “go see John” (again with the faux bff familiarity), and after an awkward minute talking with the designer, proceeds to raid the shoes from the show and pretends to eat them. Can’t take that woman anywhere, I swear!

After Galliano, it’s time for the main event: The Chanel Show. Rachel gets good seats while Brad is put in the nosebleeds. He remarks that it was strange that out of the packed house, the only vacant seat was next to him. He says it’s like Taylor was meant to sit there, though I like to think it’s because Brad can’t stop farting so they left a buffer zone around him. Again, just a theory.

Once the show ends, Rachel heads backstage to talk to terrifying zombie fashion overlord Karl Lagerfeld, looking as Lagerfeldy as ever. He strikes me as someone who probably smells like formaldehyde and doesn’t eat enough fiber. He is surprisingly cordial to her, and the two pose for a few pictures.

Afterwards Rachel and Brad have a big gushy tea and talk about how fortunate they are to be who they are. Brad marvels at how a boy from small-town Canada could amount to all this! You know, a probably very underpaid assistant to an emaciated she-mantis. He has ARRIVED. The two cry tears of joy.

After the emotiontea, Brad calls Taylor and the two awkwardly chat for a few minutes until Taylor says something bitchy and hangs up. Trouble’s a-brewin, y’all!

But Brad doesn’t have enough time for that though, because he has to go to the Marc Jacobs for Louis Vuitton show. The clothes look pretty good, though Marc Jacobs himself looks meth-faced and emaciated. Seriously, dude needs to put down the pipe and eat a cheeseburger.

After the show, Rachel goes and talks to Marc, one of her self-proclaimed “closest friends” to gush. He seems vaguely annoyed and gives off a major “get the fuck away from me vibe.”

Back at the hotel, Rodger gurgles “G-g-g-giiift? Piiicture?” and hands Rachel an album he jumbled together from pictures he took on their trip. Rachel is all “Awww baaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyy” and the two do gross affectionatey stuff.

In LA, Taylor’s parents come visit her at the studio, and she complains to them about her job issues. The two intense characters basically tell her to sack up and stay in her job.

And that ends the second to last episode! Next week bettah bring the dramz, since this week basically nothing happened. Which is kind of weird, because that means I just wrote 1000+ words about nothing. What a life.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Don't be tardy for our lesbian wedding.

There were a lot of parties in the ATL this week, and nobody was tardy for them. There were some no shows though.

Our weekly visit with the worst ladies on earth begins with Kim, as she does some location scouting for she and Kandi’s joint-birthday party at the obnoxiously titled Asian-fusion restaurant “Aja” (get it? It sounds like “Asia” but is spelled CRAAAAZYY). She interviews that since they both have the same friends in the music industry, it’s only natural they’d be friends. What friends does Kim have in the industry? And no, hooking up with Snow in the backseat of a Subaru in 1993 doesn’t count.

Anyway, Kim interviews that she wants this party to be real classy. No cheap booze, no mini burgers, no nothing. A real class act. She also wants no NeNe whatsoever. She did say that she wasn’t going to have a VIP, which I thought was endearing, since having a VIP at your own birthday party is a total dick move.

Across town Kandi and her (sadly now deceased) fiancé are unpacking her newly replaced gold and platinum records, which apparently had gotten stolen. Who knew that you could just call up a company and re-order gold record plaques? Learning! If I were her I’d order a dozen gold copies of Bug-a-Boo and make a dress.

Looking at all the hits she’s made was actually pretty impressive. She’s written songs for a lot of pretty big artists, making her possibly the only RH cast member who is legitimately famous/successful. At least for now. She talks about her impending solo album, and hopes it’ll be as big of a hit as the ones she’s written on.

Back at Lisa’s house, she and NeNe meet to rehash the fight at Sheree’s party. My boyfriend mentioned that you can totally do a queer read into the drama between these ladies. Like, NeNe and Kim were lovers, and then Kim left NeNe for Sheree. Then, Kim left Sheree for Kandi, and now they are having a “birthday party” (a.k.a. secret Atlanta gay wedding) and not inviting NeNe. This is some L-word shit. NeNe also calls Kim a “dirty low-down monkey with a wig on,” which made me giggle.

Speaking of queer reads, later Sheree meets with Dwight to discuss her show and her upcoming line. Apparently the enchanted gay ventriloquist’s dummy is “helping” her. He mainly helps by shitting all over her ideas much like he did at Lisa’s show. Sheree interviews that she found this annoying, but what the hell did she expect? It’s Dwight!

Meanwhile, Kim goes to Kandi’s studio to record, chauffeured by Big Papa, who is hidden behind the tinted windows of his Bentley. Maybe Big Papa is actually Queen Latifah, and that’s why he’s kept a mystery? Theory!

Kim records the rest of the verses for Tardy for the Party, which sound terrible. However, the sound tech assures her that he’ll get her in key, which is an understatement. That song is so autotuned they could have had a Speak and Spell do it and it would have sounded just as good. Actually, that probably would have been better. DIBS! I CALL IT! Whoever makes it owes me money!

Also notable about this scene is how ridiculous Kim’s lips look during her interview. Seriously, they look like a puffy horizontal vajayjay. Is it just me, or is Kim slowly morphing into Lauri from Real Housewives of OC?

The next day, Sheree flies to New York with her scissor sister Tania to check on her line. After checking into their romantic hotel, the two “friends” go over to the seamstress’s studio to look at the pieces. Sheree is unimpressed by the Ms. Swan-esque character’s creations, and asks her to redo some of the items. I thought the designs looked decent, but then I’m sure Sheree would say anything wasn’t up to par, since in her mind such behavior somehow equates to good taste.

Back in Atlanta, Kandi rehearses for her upcoming “I’m back” performance. Half-way through, her manager arrives wielding a long black cane like some sort of very intense pimp. He yells at everyone to tighten up and give more energy. Then the ladies all lay on their backs and raise their hips into the air while he screams “THRUST IT! THRUST IT!”

After the thrusting, it’s TIME TO PARTY, ZOLCIAK STYLE! After getting ready and saying goodnight to her terrible spawn, Kim arrives at the party wearing feather covered shoes and a gigantic rock on her ring finger. Apparently, Big Papa proposed to her that night. Which is sweet and all, except, as everyone mentions behind her back, isn’t he like….still married? But whatever, they let Kim have her moment.

Kandi arrives soon after her lover/friend and tells Kim that she knew Papa was going to propose, since he’d asked her opinion on the ring. So, Papa knew that Kim belonged to Kandi, and had to ask her permission to marry her? Interesting.

Later, the ladies debut their song and everybody loves it. Which makes some sense. Awful or not, it is catchy. I guess. The party ends with the two lovebirds sharing their birthday cake and talking about how wonderful it is that in this wild, mixed-up world these two crazy kids found each other. They promise to always support one another.

Except not really, since Kim no-shows at Kandi’s big performance the next day. Kandi interviews that it would have been nice to have Kim there, since she would have done the same for her. The honeymoon is over! So much for scissorhood.

Kandi does a good job though, in spite of Kim’s absence and an impossibly tiny stage. The songs were pretty catchy too. Maybe she’ll have a comeback after all.

Next week it looks like NeNe is organizing some sort of Battered-But-Not-Broken-Big-Hat high heel race for her charity. This would be hilarious, but it involves Dwight in underwear, which looks positively vomit-inducing. Make sure to bring your buckets next week.

Rachel Zoe Recap: This woman is the worst boss ever.

This week was all about mental illness. Rachel has it. Big time.

I don’t know about you guys, but I spent this past week on pins and goddamned needles wondering whether Rachel would die or not after last week’s cliffhanger. Except not really at all.

Either way, this week it was resolved! The episode opens on Brad and Taylor talking about Rachel’s “illness.” Taylor says that Rachel might actually die. And not like, shutting it down die, for reals die. They both put on a good front and say that they will hold down the fort in der fuhrer’s absence, but they wonder what will happen if she actually dies. SHE IS NOT GOING TO DIE, SHUT UP!

Meanwhile, Rodger takes Rachel to a suspicious “hospital” called the Cwynar Center to meet with a “doctor” regarding her “illness.” After some quick Googling, it appears that the Cwynar Center specializes in weight loss and nutrition, both things that Rachel Zoe will obviously be familiar with. Well, not so much nutrition, but weight loss at least. Either way, I doubt that this “doctor” specializes in the treatment of actual illnesses. Unless your illness is your fat ass.

So, they go in, and the bebotoxed and berestalyned doctor tells Rachel that she has “vertigo” (which I always thought was a symptom and not a disease, but whatevs). Rachel characteristically overreacts and says she is in “fucking hell.” This scene really made me hate her a lot. Her, and Dr. Cwynar, and Rodger, and this whole goddamned city. People acting like they have goddamned cancer when what they really have is “all I eat is diet pills and I drink 20 gallons of black coffee a day.” GAAAAH!

Anyway, after the break we cut to Rachel, a couple days later, and she is (surprise surprise) feeling much better. She meets with the owner of Decades, her favorite vintage store, to discuss an upcoming collaboration she is doing with them. They’ll be doing a retrospective of sorts of all her jewelry. Rachel says that she has so many pieces, and she just wants to get rid of them, so they’ll be selling them and donating the money to charity. And by charity I mean cocaine up Rachel’s nose. I kid, I kid! It’s actually for cancer research. Booooring.

Since the jewelry retrospective will be told as a narrative of Rachel’s life (gag), she has her sister Pamela over to go through some old photos for inspiration. They look at the photos and reminisce about their good times, but all I could think about was how much of a Jewish beauty Rachel used to be. It’s amazing what blonde hair and losing half your body weight will do to change a person's ethnic identity. Anyway, they talk about stupid shit and pick out a few photos.

The next day Team Zoe meet at the studio where Rachel drops the bomb that they will all. Be. Going. To. Paris. Fashion. Week. Brad queens out and Taylor looks like she’s actually excited for the first time ever. Maybe things are turning a corner!

Except they’re not, because in the next scene Rachel tells Rodger that she just found out (yeah right) that they have 3 jobs coming up, so all three of them can’t go to Paris. Rachel decides the best way to pick who will go and who will stay is to e-mail both of them and then hope that Brad volunteers to stay back. She must have learned this in her seminar, entitled “How to be the Worst, Most Passive-Aggressive Manager on the Face of the Planet.” Seriously, who does that?! Obviously the actual best course of action is to just decide who will stay and who will go. Terrible.

Anyway, back at the studio Brad and Taylor talk about the e-mail, and quickly get into an argument about the whole situation. Taylor says that Rachel was hoping that Brad would volunteer, which causes him to get all flushed and angry. He says that he feels like he was being tested, and says how (appropriately) pissed off he is. Taylor tells him he should talk to Rachel.

Except he can’t, because Rachel is off to her fabulussssssssssss show at Decades, which winds up being really elaborate and fancy. Rachel talks to prospective buyers about how each piece of jewelry represents a part of her life, and they are all precious to her. This strangely reminded me of the scene in Les Miserables when Fantine sells her hair for money. Weird. Anyway, the show is actually pretty cool and humanizing. Again, BORING.

Later in the studio, Taylor tells Brad that she just spoke with Rachel who told her that she wants Taylor to decide who will stay and who will go, adding a new level of bullshit to this whole situation. Brad says that it should be Rachel who decides since she’s the boss, and Taylor agrees. But, this isn’t the case, and Taylor says that while she had been looking forward to going she thinks Brad should be the one to go because he deserves it and it’s his dream. The whole scene winds up being really heartwarming. What is with Taylor being nice this episode? It feels weird.

Brad still decides he needs to give Rachel a talking to, so he heads over to her house to meet. He tells her how pissed he was about the way she chose to handle the Paris issue. She is evasive and noncommittal, and tells him to leave the whole thing behind in LA and forget about it. Yes, ignoring bad feelings and bottling them up inside you is totally the best course of action to resolve conflict, always. Did Dr. Cwynar tell you that? Rachel does admit that she fucked up though, which is something.

So that was that episode. I really liked Rachel last season, but each episode this season makes me like her less and less. Why must she be such an idiot all the time?

Also, what is up with the fucking Bing endorsements this season?! Everything is “Bing” this, “Bing” that. Have you ever actually used Bing? It sucks! Stop telling me to use it, Bravo!

Anyway, next episode promises Paris and passive aggression, so get ready to claw your eyes out, America.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Closed, broken, and independent pocketbooks.

First off, sorry for skipping a week of RHOA recaps. Between a pickup at work and my vibrant social life, I couldn’t find the time to recap last week’s antics. All you need to know is that Kim recorded the chorus for TFTP after a lot of complaining, they unveiled the alter ego pictures (all surprisingly good), and Kim fell down at the unveiling and acted like a big baby. There, all up to speed.

This week things came to a head, both figuratively as a fight between Kim and NeNe, and literally as a gigantic portrait of Sheree’s head. But more on those two topics later.

The episode opens with a bikini-clad Kim and her porcine friend Cori lounging by the pool. Did anyone notice Kim’s 80’s titty tan? You know, the kind where a woman’s boobs are completely brown except for a triangle around the nipple where her bikini was. Anyway, they talk about Kim’s wild and wooly relationship with Big Papsmear. They had ended their relationship over a nebulous “betrayal,” but apparently the two are at a better place thanks to an impromptu trip to the Bahamas. Now Kim is conflicted about what she wants, saying she’s at a crossroads. She wants a commitment and a ring, but being as it’s been 3 years and he still hasn’t divorced his wife, I don’t see that happening any time soon. Face it Kim, you’re just a sideline ho. Enjoy it! Relish it! You get cars and jewelry from it, don't you?

We move on to Sheree, who is checking out venues for her independence party with her “friend.” (Here I use “friend” the way my mom uses “friend” when she is talking about my boyfriend to old people.) Am I the only one getting a serious lesbian vibe from Sheree and her short-haired former military BFF? Something about the looks they give each other just tips me off a little bit. But, I could also be getting the dykey vibes from the fact that Sheree’s party will be women-only, and she is really excited by the fact that there’s a stripper pole at the club. Either way, Sheree likes the venue for her Sapphic orgy, and agrees to hold the party there.

On to the THEATAAAH, where Kandi and Lisa are rehearsing for their upcoming performances in The Pocketbook Monologues, which would be better titled as The Copyright Infringement Monologues, since it looks like the creator lady just copied The Vagina Monologues and replaced “vagina” with “pocketbook.” Also, this is kind of a creepy euphemism for vaginas, since it makes me picture a woman storing money, credit cards, and other valuables in her vagina like a kangaroo. So yeah, playtitlefail.

Anyway, first up is Lisa, who will be doing a monologue entitled “A Closed Pocketbook,” (LOL) since she is too classy to actually have a slutty piece. Hers is about falling in love with a guy in prison, or something. I thought she did a good job but the director begs to differ, which Lisa doesn’t take too well. Lisa also says “twat” at some point during this scene, which made me giggle.

Next up is Kandi, who has a very serious and dramatic scene about an HIV positive prostitute who was raped by her father and now purposely infects her johns. Sad stuff, although it’s hilariously titled “A Broken Pocketbook.” Apparently the insinuation is that HIV positive women have broken cooters. Anyway, everyone raves about Kandi’s performance, though I thought she overacted and it came off a little too “the talented girl in high school doing a dramatic read” for me, but whatever. Drama critic I am not.

Over at the Leakes household, NeNe meets with her ghostwriter from “a major publishing house” to discuss her memoir. She recounts her childhood growing up in Athens, Georgia, and how far she has come. She also brings up the whole Curtis drama from last season. She tells the ghostwriter she wants it to be a juicy book, because there’s nothing NeNe hates worse than a boring memoir. The writer says she doesn’t see how it’d be possible for NeNe to make a boring memoir, based on all the salacious shit in her life. I for one can’t wait for this book to come out.

Back to Sheree, who visits some pan-European painter named Rossin to get her portrait done for her independence party. Because that’s what every party needs, a gigantic portrait of the host. Rossin takes a few photos of Sheree, commanding her to “think Nefertiti 21st century,” which Sheree does…kinda? Anyway, the photos are snapped, and Sheree is sent on her merry way.

Across town Kim looks at expensive jewelry and talks about how Big Papa will buy them for her. Yawn.

Later that week, it’s time for “Talkin’ ‘Bout Snatches,” and the ladies will be performing to a packed house! Lisa is nervous, but does a great job with her monologue, and is very proud. Kandi drags her broken pocketbook onto the stage and does a good job as well, eliciting a standing ovation, which I think was a little much. Oh! And Dwight was there, looking weird and Muppety.

Over at Kim’s house, he is chastising her horrible daughter Ariana for trying to sneak cupcakes. “NO CUPCAKES AT THIS HOUR!” Kim commands, since if she eats this late she will turn into a Gremlin. Horrible Ariana succeeds in her fiendish quest for cupcakes, and all of Atlanta trembles at the impending Gremlin havoc that is about to be wreaked.

But before the Gremlin holocaust, it’s time for Sheree’s INDEPENDENCE PARTYYYYYYYY! Kim arrives on crutches, even though for this whole episode she’s been walking around on her feet just fine. Ugh. There are also numerous gays in heels, making me suspect that this is a rising trend among Atlanta’s gay elite. Heels and tight jeans. It’s a look.

NeNe confronts Kim about the song, and tells her that she’s fine with Kim recording it on her own, but personally she thinks that Kim won’t be able to sell the song without her. This starts a slow-boiling fight that culminates in NeNe calling Kim a dirty person and Kim saying NeNe is evil. So much for their reconciliation.

Sheree commands everyone to refocus on her, since it’s supposed to be her night. After a really fake-seeming speech about how she totally loves all you guys, she unveils the portrait Rossin did, which is actually pretty good. Everyone claps and then Sheree’s gay hairdresser brings out a dollar bill-clad female stripper to work the pole. Something tells me that this is the only pole-working Sheree has seen in a while, if you know what I mean. She prefers the hole. I’m talkin’ bout lesbians.

Anyway, after the stripper interludes, the Tardy for the Party fight continues, this time between NeNe and Kandi, although I can’t quite figure out why those two were fighting. Maybe because Kandi isn’t taking sides? I don’t know. Sheree’s scissor buddy interviews that she thought it was classless for the ladies to fight during Sheree’s special day, but Ms. Whitfield says it didn’t bother her, and she thought the party was a smashing success.

Then, as everyone exits the party, one woman screams “OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?!” All the ladies turn, but it’s too late. An army of fake Baby Chanel-clad Gremlins descends upon the partygoers, devouring them all until nothing is left but some mangled Jimmy Choos and a blood soaked portrait. The horror. Oh the horror.

Rachel Zoe Recap: Rachel dies, literally.

Everything’s coming up Zoe this week! Endorsements! Cartoon appearances! Photoshoots! Illnesses!

It looks like Rachel will finally get to put her acting chops to work: this week she receives a call from noted cougar enthusiast Ashton Kutcher asking her to appear in an episode of his retardedly-titled web series “the Blah Girls.” Jumping at the opportunity to pretend that she is friends with the celebrities she styles, she agrees and heads across town to meet with the Douche Prince.

Ashton tells Rachel that in the “episode,” she will be styling the Blah Girls for their prom. Rachel takes this opportunity to boast that she went to six proms. What a floozy. She likes the idea, but says she also wants make over all the girls and edge them out a little bit, which makes me think that she may not realize that these are cartoons and not in fact real girls. Also, I really want to be able to say “we just need to edge it out a little bit” in my daily life. New goal of this week is to work it into conversation somewhere.

“Noah, have you taken a look at the new marketing brochures?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you think?”
“They’re cool, but I just think we need to edge them out a little bit. Maybe give them a faux-fur vest and some sequins or something.”
“You’re fired.”

Anyway, they commence filming a couple scenes and it quickly becomes clear that Rachel cannot act. Like, at all. She also says that she can't read the script. Guys, is RZ illiterate? I've never seen her read or write anything. Conspiracy theory! Call the Truthers! Also hilarious, Rachel has to react to a cartoon that's not there, Jurassic Park style. Since she has no imagination at all, she fails at this too. Someone better introduce that bitch to Figment. Also, for some reason in my notes for this episode I wrote "inexplicable woozy" during this section, but I was drunk so I have no idea now what it referred to. Just thought I'd add that.

Anyway, we cut accross town breifly to Taylor doing a styling job by herself...again. And she complains about how she doesnt want to this...again. And how she's not focusing on her career...again. At this point they could just replace her with a VHS tape of her on a loop and it would serve the same purpose. Actually, that's a good idea. It'd be very high-art.

So that happens, and we head back over to Trainwreck Studios to watch Rachel make a fool of herself. Now she's doing voiceovers, which like her acting abilities, also sucks. The producer of the program winds up having to feed her lines, and it is clear that he hates his job/life. After a while though, Rachel gets into the swing of things and actually starts doing half-decent. She even improvs some parts! Watch out, Groundlings!

Rachel leaves Metro Goldwyn Douchebag studios and heads over to the Glamour shoot, where she is met by Jordan, Taylor, as well as Makeup Gay and Hair Gay. If Brad were there, then all Rachel's gays could cry "UNITE!" and turn into their giant, fabulous, gay Voltron robot. But alas, he was not, so they don't.

Since this shoot is based on reader questions, Rachel says that she is planning on styling for the everygirl. She then proceeds to dress the models in oversized fake-sheepskin vests and insectoid sunglasses. Everygirl indeed.

Rachel quickly takes over the entire shoot, much to the dismay of the photographer, creative director, and Glamour editor there. She also tells the black model that her hair is too "curly curly" and that they should smoooth it out a little bit, causing America to cringe so hard you can practically hear it.

Since she isn't able to be much help to Rachpoleon, Taylor goes outside to call Brad, who is adorably taking his elder dog (IT HAS A PACEMAKER, GUYS!) to the groomers. Taylor thinks this is outrageous, but that's just because she traded her heart away when she was 15 for a Baby-G watch and a pair of Sketchers. No, they were cool then!

The next day at the studio, Marisa arrives with Rachel's Blah Girls episode, hot off the douche presses. It looks really low budget, and is painfully unfunny. It also includes a gag with a girl literally giving birth to a cow (have a cow, get it?) that I am ashamed to say took me 15 minutes to get. I just thought it was some non-sequitor Family Guy shit. Apparently Ashton Kutcher is too smart for me.

After they finish watching the video, Ashton and Demi call (how convenient) from Atlanta. Rachel gushes about how she loooooooved it and how it looked so goooooood. Brad asks, totally unprompted by the Bravo producers standing around them, whether they've seen any of the ATL housewives while they were there. They haven't.

Accross town, Taylor meets with a friend of hers whose name I forget to ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN talk about how she isn't satisfied with her job. Is this bullshit going to last all season? Just QUIT already! Her beast of a friend asks whether she is happy, and Taylor says she isn't, and wants to style big corporate accounts, like Dodge (WTF?).

Taylor heads over to the studio to meet with Rach and finally talk about how she isn't happy. However, Rachel is inexplicably too "sick" and nauseous to even sit up. Taylor reacts so calmly and with such speed that it seems like she's done this before. Now I'm not saying Rachel does drugs or anything, but didn't this scene seem like a bad trip, say on something like Mexican diet pills? Just sayin'.

Rachel lays on the couch and moans while Brad and Taylor make fun of her. Brad offers her a clutch to barf in and says she looks fashionably nauseous. They offer to take her to the hospital, but she refuses (DIET PILL OVERDOSE), so they drive her home and call Rodger, who also acts like this situation is strangely familiar.

When they arrive, Taylor calls the Drug Overdose Hotline, ahem, I mean the "advice nurse," who says that Rachel just needs to lay down and ride it out. When asked what she thinks made her sick, Rachel cryptically says "my world is making me sick."

As Rachel lays on her deathbed, she and Taylor have a heart to heart. Taylor begs her not to die (I am not joking), and Rachel weakly tells Taylor that she is her "blessed jewel" like some sort of expiring family matriarch. Then Bravo rolls a big "To be continued..." as if they actually can make us think that Rachel might die in the next episode. How dumb do they think I am? Well actually, dumb enough to not get a joke in Blah Girls, so yeah...

Rachel Zoe Recap: The press are like, so mean.

The world is a harsh, cold, spiteful place. People just want to build you up so they can tear you down. Where is the decency?! Where is the love?! All questions are asked this week.

The episode starts off on a good note as the Zoe Camp bask in the post-Oscar praise for Anne Hathaway. All the mags gave her A+ ratings, and Rachel is feeling good until she discovers a negative blurb from the New York Post wherein she is called “pin thin” and it is claimed that she freaked out at an Oscar party.

Blowing this tiny, slightly-mean blurb astronomically out of proportion, Rachel goes into a tirade about how unfair the press is to her, and how she hates all of them, and why don’t they just LEAVE RACHEL ALONE! To me this seems like a subtle brag, like “ughh, people are so obsessed with me, it’s TERRIBLE,” even though you know she secretly loves that her name is on everybody’s lips.

Rachel somehow manages to pull herself together enough to plan the party she is hosting for her friends Byron and Tracy’s eponymous salon. They go over the gigantic guest list, and Rachel takes another opportunity to complain about her difficult life when the topic of the media is raised. She says that she may not talk to some media outlets, since most are not too kind to her. Boo hoo cry me a river.

Over at the Zoe studio, Brad and Taylor are making cute banter about what they’ll wear to the salon opening. Taylor says Brad should wear something slutty, since they’ll be going out. Brad says he doesn’t do slutty, which is unfortunate, because I would love to see what Brad’s version of slutty is. I’m picturing knee socks, short shorts, and an oversized lollipop. Taylor says that they’ll be going out and getting sloppy afterwards, and Brad asks whether this means he’ll have to pick up all the things she drops and carry her around like last time, which I would have loved to see.

Later, Rachel gets a call from her publicist or somebody telling her that Marie Claire wants her to do a recession-appropriate “style on a budget” feature for them. Rachel is tres enthusiastic until she learns that they want her to be the model. Letting loose another brag-disguised-as-complaint, Rachel whines that she simply haaaates modeling and doesn’t know how she’ll EVER manage to do this shoot. Whatever, you know when she’s all alone she smizes and model-hunches in front of the mirror for hours. She apparently even tried her hand at modeling when she was young, but sucked at it, so she became a stylist. Anyway, she “reluctantly” agrees to do the shoot.

The next morning, Rachel is still complaining about her negative press. Rodger tells her she looks purdy before nearly burning down the house making breakfast. Despite this, his mongoloid grunts are somehow comforting to her, and she feels a little better.

After politely eating the surely horrible breakfast Rodger prepared for her, Rachel heads over to the Marie Claire shoot with team of gays in tow, since she craves sycophantic validation. Upon arriving, they all have a pow wow about Rachel’s look. Hairgay says that Rachel should wear her hair up in one of the shots, but Rachel doesn’t want to, since big billowy hair gives her power. Brad asks whether she’ll let him style her or not for the shoot to which she replies “unclear.” Apparently she’s turned into a Magic 8 Ball. Brad also tries his best to style her, but she keeps ignoring his picks in favor of slouchy sequined vests and oversized floral muumuus. When will they ever give Brad a chance to SHINE?

Back at the studio, Taylor complains about something or other as usual. This time she’s upset that she’s stuck doing all the post-Oscar dress returning and stuff while Fancypants Brad gets to go off and play with Rachel at the Marie Claire shoot. Basically, Taylor complains about some sort of permutation of “my work is boring and Brad is incompetent” in every episode. Homegirl needs to find herself a new job!

Across town, Rodger meets with a web consultant at Toast to discuss bringing the Zoe brand to the web. He says that the best way to combat Rachel’s bad press is to create an online presence where she can respond. Then he spits up on himself a little bit before passing out in the chair while the consultant softly burps him.

Things are going full force at the shoot. Rachel poses awkwardly in a series of outfits while her mob of gay monkeys hoot and holler at her from the sidelines. Rachel, echoing the sentiment of every chubby Midwestern girl who watched Will and Grace and once knew one gay person in high school, interviews that there’s nothing like a team of gay men to make a woman feel great.

Later, Brad does his one millionth Taylor impression, which Makeup Gay takes a picture of and sends to her, causing Taylor's head to fly off with a cartoon “boi-oi-oi-oi-oing” sound effect.

Anyway, the shoot wraps up, and everyone fellates Rachel’s ego and tells her how good she did and blah blah yadda yadda. Also, she totes wound up wearing the muumuu.

After a useless interlude where some retarded model comes to the studio and puts on a pretty dress, Taylor tells Brad that she will not be attending the party because she’s too tiiiiired. Brad interviews that this is all kinds of lame, since going to the events is part of their job description. He tells Taylor that it’s things like this that make everyone call her “Bailer,” which she says is “so fucking rude!” before storming out.

Meanwhile, Rachel and Makeup Gay are getting ready for the event. She is still complaining about her bad press, and it becomes clear that girl’s obviously very damaged and can’t handle any sort of criticism. One of them mentions how her “heart is too big,” and I barf all over myself. They move on to talk about how lame it is that Taylor is bailing. Drama!

At the studio, Taylor gives an oddly humanizing interview where she says that the reason she isn’t going to the party is because she’s socially awkward and doesn’t like being around strangers. In a brilliant piece of editing, the camera cuts to her wistfully zipping up her going out dress in a garment bag. Then a sad clown playing a violin walks out, a single tear falling from his expressive eye.

Back at Rachel’s house, everyone is freaking out over what she’ll wear. Since she’s been getting so much flack for being too skinny, it’s decided that Rachel shouldn’t wear anything too ribcagey or spine revealing. Trouble is, everything she owns is ribcagey or spine revealing. After much drama and complaining she settles on a hideous purple sequined nightmare and they all head to the party.

Rachel soon forgets her rib-n-spine woes and everyone has a great time. Brad hams it up for the cameras and he and Rachel talk about how Taylor should have come. Later, Rachel runs into old rival Nicole Richie. She claims that the two have made up and were chatting like two schoolgirls but from the looks of things it seemed like Rachel mainly talked at Nicole while she looked annoyed. The two did pose for paparazzi pics though, so I guess that's something.

The episode ends on a happy little button as Rachel and Rodger look at her shoot in the new issue of Marie Claire. Rachel says she’s happy about how the shoot turned out and Rodger says “Pretty lady!” before whacking her over the head with a club and dragging her off into the bedroom. Ah, love…

True Blood Recap: Maryann loves to bone cattle.

After a 2 goddamn week hiatus, things finally come to a head in Bon Temps. We pick up where we left off, with Tara and Eggs frantically making a nest for the giant egg in Sookie’s bed. Sookie tries to talk some sense into everyone, but zombie Lafayette interrupts her and commands her to get naked and put on a toga. Why do I get the feeling this isn’t the first time Lafayette has told somebody to do this?

Sookie is led downstairs where she sees Maryann in, horror of horrors, GRAN’S WEDDING DRESS! Grannie Stackhouse certainly was svelte in her marryin’ years. Maryann says that Sookie clearly isn't human, since her weird vibrofreak powers don’t work on her, so she asks her again what she is. Sookie awesomely replies “I’m a waitress. What the fuck are you?” I’m liking this new assertive, non-getting-captured-and-screaming version of Sookie. Let’s hope it sticks.

Over at the Fortenberry household, Hoyt is still trying to keep his mama from getting loose, employing a series of trip wires and booby traps to keep her from escaping like a more sinister version of Mousetrap.

Back at the wedding chapel from hell, Maryann exposits to Sookie (and by proxy to us) that tonight she is planning on marrying the bull-headed god so she can get her supernatural bestial freak on. But! In order to do so she needs to offer up Sam as a gift, and plans on using Sookie as bait.

We move on to Queen Sophie-Ann’s house, where she is still playing a seemingly unending game of Yahtzee, this time with the usual suspects plus Eric. After exchanging a few pleasantries, Sophie-Ann asks Eric how the eff Bill knew she was having him sell V for her. Shocker! So it’s Evan Rachel Whatever that is having Eric sell V? But why? Maybe that’s how she can afford such a ridiculous sex/blood draining/murder palace.

Anyway, she knocks over Eric and the two hiss at each other and fuck/fight. Sophie Ann does not want this secret getting out, and says that if Eric doesn’t do something she’ll wear his pearly Swedish fangs as clitoral jewelry. Eric says that he’ll take care of Bill. Personally. UGH! I know Eric is a fangirl/boy favorite, but am I the only one who’s seriously over him? I could care less about his weird little obsession with Sookie and their impending love-triangle, and I wish somebody would just kiiiiiill hiiiiiim already. But judging from the fact that he’s in like, all the books, it looks like he’s here to stay. Blarg.

At the weird Greek roofie orgy, Jason and Andy prepare to ride in guns blazing. Andy urges calm, but Jason says he can’t stand seeing the Stackhouse plantation defiled like that, and the two rush in. Unfortunately, Terry and his gang nab them pretty quick, and before we know it both go zombie-eyed like the rest of the town. So much for them saving the day

Inside, Sookie, Maryann, and the other maids of honor are engaging in some sort of bizarre Maenad bachelorette party wherein they all drink wine and lick the giant egg. We learn that unfortunately the egg is of the run-of-the-mill ostrich variety, and not some sort of harpy/gargoyle/demon ova. When it’s Sookie’s turn, she’s a little reluctant to get her lick on, but Maryann screams “LICK THE EGG!” at her, so she does. This shit is getting weirder by the second.

Zombie Jason bursts in telling Maryann that “the vessel” has arrived. Looks like it’s party time! They head outside to find Bill with Sam in tow. Bill proposes an exchange: he’ll give her Sam for Sookie. Even though Sookie is all “Beeeeeel! Nooooe! Beeeeel! Sayummmmm!” the exchange is made. Maryann puts the sexxxay egg into the middle of the totem and lashes Sam to it. Things aren't looking good for America’s favorite shape shifting bar and grill owner.

Zombie Eggs walks over, and without much hesitation stabs Sam with the special dagger a couple times, while Sookie continues to do her thing and screams. She runs to him, and is surprised when she reads his mind and hears him tell her to distract Maryann. Thinking on her toes, she pushes over the gigantic meat tree, sending Maryann into a tizzy. The maenad grows her crazy claws and chases Sookie into the woods, presumably to slash at her back again. Just as she’s about to, however, a gigantic white bull appears. Look’s like her man has arrived after all, though frankly I thought he was going to be like, a dude with horns, not a full on bull. Looks like things here are gonna get real Greek real fast (I’m talkin’ ‘bout bull fucking).

Maryann reaches out her hands and beckons her “husband” to embrace her. Instead of a hug however, the bull gives her a big ol’ horn to the chest, impaling her. Maryann says that she must be the sacrifice after all, and that she’s happy to die for her God. Right after she says this, the bull changes into…SAM! He awesomely has his hand in her chest, and rips out her gross black oily heart. Maryann is all “Is there no God?” and then Sam crushes her heart in his hand, turning her into a nasty mummy bride.

Looks like Bill and Sam had a clever plan this whole time. Sam really got stabbed, but while Sookie was distracting Maryann Bill gave him some of his blood to heal him. Clever!

Over at the Fortenberrys, Hoyt’s mama is back to normal. She says the last thing she remembers is meeting that dead redhead hussy, and then discovers the bite on her neck. Hoyt explains that Jessicca did bite her, but it was only because she got mad at the things she was saying about him, like the “lie” about his daddy. When his mama makes a face that’s all “Oh shit,” he realizes that she was telling the truth, and that his whole life up to now has been a lie. He storms out angrily and tells her he wished Jessica had finished her off.

Back at the house, the townspeople are no longer under Maryann’s zombie sex party spell, and are all wandering around saying “WTF dude?” Especially confused are Jane Bodehouse, who finds her chopped-off finger and Eggs, who is going all Lady Macbeth scrubbing the blood off his hands. Sookie tells everyone to go the hell home, and she and Bill head upstairs and spoon all lovey-dovey like. Blech!

The next day, everyone’s at Merlotte’s and seem to be back to normal, which is weird considering the bizarre shit that went down the night before. Arlene’s there with her kids, buying them all kinds of “I’m sorry” snacks, two ladies are exchanging conspiracy theories about Maryann and what she was, and town bicycle Jane Bodehouse is using her finger-reattachment story to get more tail.

In the kitchen, Sookie and Sam have a heart to heart. He tells her that he’s leaving, since he needs to figure some stuff out. Then, a mysterious present arrives for Sookie. She takes it into the office to open it, and turns out it’s a purdy purple drayuss and a note from Bill.

Sookie heads outside for a break, and is surprised by Eggs, who looks like he is playing charades and the word he was given was “distraught.” He tells her that he doesn’t remember what he did, and he needs her help to figure out what went on. She warns him that she’s not sure he wants to know, but he pushes her, so she does her weirdo-psychic magic and Eggs remembers all the people he stabbed and understandably freaks out. Sookie tries to talk him down by giving the frat-boy-rationalization of “you were blacked out bro! It doesn’t count!” This, understandably, doesn’t do much to calm his nerves, and he runs off.

Later that night Bill and Jessica are adorably father-daughter cutesy with each other, exchanging pleasantries. Bill says that he’ll be taking Sookie out for a fancy French dinner, and Jessica says she’s going to go apologize to Hoyt for their little incident. Awwwww, bonding!

Meanwhile, Sam shows up at where we learn is his Mom’s house for some answers. He tells her he’s not there for an apology; he just wants to know where to find his real parents. She ominously tells him that he doesn’t want to meet them, since they’re “bad people.” However, he finds his father in the other room, who appears to be at death’s door. He hands him a note with a name and an address along with a quickly scrawled “Sorry!”

We cut to an at first random shot at a gas station. But! The camera zooms into a big rig, where Jessica is getting all flirty with a trucker. WTF?! She tells him that she’s a virgin, which he says he kinda likes. She’s all “WELL I DON’T, PERV!” and bites his ass. I sense a Jessica-gone-wild plot arc for Season 3!

Back at Merlotte’s, Eggs surprises Andy Bellefleur in the parking lot (dude loves scaring people in parking lots), dagger in hand. He confesses to killing Ms. Jeanette and Daphne, and tells Andy to arrest him. Andy tries to talk him down, but he gets wilder and wilder, brandishing the knife at him. Thinking he’s seeing a murder in progress, Jason arrives and shoots Eggs in the head. Whoopsies! Andy grabs the gun and tells Jason to skedaddle, right before the rest of the people at Merlotte’s arrive. Andy tells them that Eggs was the murderer, and that he killed himself. Tara comes out and predictably freaks. Drama!

Across town, Bill and Sookie are having a romantic French dinner. Bill hands Sookie a gift of tickets to Vermont (the only state were human-vamp marriage is legal). In case Sookie has any doubts about what Bill is hinting at, he pulls out a ring and pops the question. Sookie has a cold feet freak-out, and Bill asks if this means she’s saying no. She says she doesn’t know what it means, and runs to the bathroom to cool her jets. She puts on the ring and smiles, realizing that she does want to marry Bill after all. Too bad while she’s doing this, Bill gets a silver chain to the neck with gloved hands. She runs out and says “YES! I’ll marry you!” Too bad Bill’s gone. CLIFFHANGER!

END SEASON 2. I know a lot of people were bellyachin’ about how this season wasn’t as good as Season 1, but I really enjoyed it, especially the Maryann plotline. Though, the cliffhanger was a little cheap, considering how long HBO takes between seasons for their shows. Maybe I’ll take up reading the books in the meantime to keep my anxieties at bay. COME BACK SOON TRUE BLOOD!