Physical! Physical! Come on and get physical! In a pair of Dior pumps and thigh high leggings. That was the theme of the shoot Rachel had to style for V magazine on this, the final episode of Season 2.
Rachel tells Brad that the concept is Olivia Newton-John “Physical” meets “Xanadu.” This, coupled with the fact that Brad is wearing impossibly tiny short shorts as she talks to him, makes this the gayest scene in RZP history. Hurray! Here is a trophy. Rachel says that Jessica Stam will be the model in the shoot, so looks like this may actually be a big time deal. Kadooz, Rachel!
Rachel talks to Brad about how she hasn’t been able to get in touch with Taylor, which segues to footage of Taylor driving her car and repeatedly ignoring Rachel’s calls while snorting and saying “ughhhhhhhhhhh.” Such a ray of sunshine, that one.
While Taylor is busy stealing all the presents in Whoville, Brad heads over to American Apparel to pick up some 80’s inspired workout gear. He’s greeted by an obnoxious hipster gay named Johnny, who some people who are as obsessed with TV as me may recognize from that one episode of “The Girls Next Door” when Kendra goes to the American Apparel factory to pick out shirts for the Playmate baseball team. Anybody? No? Ok, well, anyway, Johnny, who is like a cross between Paul Lynde and Leonardo DiCaprio’s character from “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape,” shrilly gives Brad a tour and asks him to gay marry him, while Brad looks really uncomfortable. It’s a rare situation when Brad is the butchest person in the room, but this is the case here. Brad thanks Johnny for the clothes and quickly makes his exit as Johnny shouts “Shtupp my tuchus!” after him.
Back at the studio, it’s serious time! Taylor has finally mustered up enough courage to air her grievances with Rachel. They talk about the Paris issue, and Rachel reiterates that Brad should have stepped up, but Taylor says that she wanted Brad to go. She comes off as very level headed in this argument, and after Taylor threatens to leave, Rachel finally agrees to take her along to more branding opportunities and that sort of thing. So I guess Taylor succeeded?
(Before we move on, can I just say, Taylor’s demands are a little unreasonable. Like, it’s a company of 3 people. Of course when a new branding or moneymaking opportunity comes up it’ll be Rachel who’s mainly involved with it. It’s not like she’s working for some huge fashion house or anything. Reel in the expectations, girl.)
Anyway, as a peace offering Rachel takes Taylor to New York City to meet with a company she is partnering with to put out a fragrance. The ladies don their lab coats (why do people always have to wear lab coats when they play with fragrances?) and head into the “lab.” After sampling a few fecal perfumes with obnoxious names like “Hollywood,” Rachel finally picks a fragrance she likes for it’s earthy smell. Rachel tells everyone that she used to dunk herself in patchouli oil in college, which immediately makes me picture Rachel, nude in a candelit bathtub full of scented oils, hair adorned with daisies and ribbons, as a sitar plays softly in the background. Oh what I would give to see her in her crunchy phase…
After the sinister scent labs, it’s off to Pennsylvania to visit the QVC headquarters, which is decidedly not buh-nanas. The two are there to hawk Rachel’s line of faux fur vests, which are hideous. It was really enjoyable to see the QVC hostess try to sell the vests as if they weren’t horrible. Give that woman an Oscar! But whatevs, it makes Taylor and Rachel happy, so good for them.
They head back to LA where they have to jump back into planning the V shoot, which everyone is freaking out about because they only have 48 hours to style the whole thing. However, Brad is able to “wrangle a Gucci tunic” among other things, so the planning panic is resolved rather quickly, as usual.
Next it’s time to cast male models for the shoot. They say they want beefcake muscley models, but they mostly get ricecake skinny boys. However, at the eleventh hour a retarded but well built gentleman by the name of (San) Leandro arrives, golden pecs glistening in the noonday sun, and the day is saved. Rachel and Brad get all girly and giggly and tell San Leandro he’s hired.
Later, Rachel’s dad comes for a visit and they talk about nothing of note. The same usual babble babble stress babble babble Taylor babble babble faux fur vest. Moving on.
The next day, it’s the big V shoot! Everyone shows up stressed out and pissy, and Jessica Stam looks all cokey and bitchy and “whatever, I just take picture and make hundreds of thousands of dollars.” Girl does dress up nice though, and can take a pretty good picture. They pose her in a series of segments with dumb-as-Melba-Toast Leandro, but get behind and are only able to shoot 6 segments instead of 8. Rachel touts the photo shoot as a success, but to me 75% of your promised delivery isn’t much of an accomplishment. It’s all about spin!
Back at the studio, Taylor tells Brad and Jordan to help her move stuff. When they refuse, she bitches them out and screams “YOU DON’T RESPECT ME!” before storming out of the room like a gigantic straw-haired chain-smoking baby.
Meanwhile, Rachel’s “vertigo” has morphed into “sinus migraine,” so she and Rodger make a return visit to Dr. Cwynar (pronounced KWEE-NAR, like a Klingon), who tells her she needs to scale back on the stressful activities. While I’m sure she’s probably right, I doubt that “de-stress your life” is the answer to all that ails her, and I also noticed that “eat right” wasn’t part of her recommendation. See a real doctor, not this dietician quack! So anyway, KWEE-NAR tells Rachel to de-stress or she will die. Die!
Shaken by the news that her job is killing her, Rachel calls a team meeting with Brad, Taylor, and Rodger. Taylor shows up wearing sunglasses, and refuses to take them off like an asshole. Rachel announces that in order to preserve her health, Rodger will be taking over as business manager for the Rachel Zoe brand, and his first order of business will be to build a ball pit and a bouncy castle so he can giggle and yell “BOUNCE-A BOUNCE-A BOUNCE-A!” Just kidding, he actually acts pretty businesslike, and Brad and Taylor are all “WTF?” That is, until Rachel announces that she will be making Taylor “Head of Product Development” and Brad “Head of Styling.” So, everyone got promotions, sorta, and Rachel got to not die.
And there you have it. Season 2 all wrapped up in a neat little bow, all of a sudden in the last ten minutes of the episode. This season was definitely a little lackluster, so here’s hoping next season will fare better. I wonder what’s in the cards? Rachel gains 100 pounds now that she’s not working as much? Brad gets a mean coke addiction to keep up to pace with the styling? Taylor creates a new line of Rachel Zoe-brand feminine hygiene products? So many possibilities!
Shutting it down on RZP season 2! What will I do with my Mondays now?
Unclear.
Showing posts with label The Rachel Zoe Project. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Rachel Zoe Project. Show all posts
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Rachel Zoe Recap: La mante à Paris.
Well folks, we’ve reached the penultimate level of this weeks-long glimpse into the abyss known as the Rachel Zoe Project. I for one am glad it’s ending. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy watching this mess, but I think a few more episodes and my patience would be gone.
Anyway, this week, Le Camp du Zoe va a Paris. Well, Le Camp du Zoe sans Taylor, le femme discontent perpetuelle (this is fakey French, I believe). That’s right, Rachel, with Brad, Rodger, Marisa, and Makeup Gay in tow, fly off to that gleaming continental city of lights. As she lounges in her opulent hotel suite, Rachel says that she feels bad about Taylor not being able to come, and that she should be there. Well Rach, if you wanted Taylor to be there, why didn’t you, I don’t know, BRING HER! She proceeds to unpack an obscene amount of luggage while Rodger sits and quietly makes a doody in his pants.
After the gang all unpack and get settled, Rachel and Brad head off to the Christian LaCroix show, a designer I know mainly for the repeated mentions in AbFab. They watch a series of lace clad skele’ins strut down the runway and Rachel mutters something about “Parisian Chic.” Afterwards, Rachel weasels her way back stage and talks to LaCroix as if they are best friends, but it’s obvious he has no idea who she is.
Next up they go to a show by Ungaro, which I remember nothing from but feel like I should mention. Moving on.
Back in LA, Taylor and Intern Jordan are working on some looks for Eva Mendes, Jennifer Garnder, and Demi Moore, who it seems are their only clients. Seriously, all they do is style these three women, and while I guess they’re all pretty famous, I can’t see how styling them supports such an expensive production. Maybe Rachel is engaging in some human trafficking on the side to earn some extra income. Just a theory. Can you imagine though? “Brad, these Thai children are buh-nanas. Let’s edge them out with a romper and a sheepskin vest.”
A Paris, Brad and Rachel head to their private appointment to see Coco Chanel’s apartment, preserved as if she were still living in it. The place was nice, but kind of struck me as a really fancy version of the Winchester Mystery House. They both queen out like it’s some sort of big deal, though I think anyone with enough money/with a TV crew can get a private viewing of this place.
After the two finish shitting themselves in ecstasy and change their pants, they head to the Stella McCartney show. Rachel sees Paul McCartney and shits her dress again, and Brad has some drama about finding his seat. Rachel interviews that she liked the show and wants the chunky knits on her body, which sounds like some sort of euphemism for a disgusting sex act.
Afterwards, everyone heads out for some sightseeing. They all wind up at a fancy vintage store, ostensibly looking for a present for Taylor, although all that happens is Rachel buys a Chanel suit and forces Brad to buy a mediocre Dior trench for thousands of dollars, like a couture drug pusher (his words).
Across the pond in LA, Taylor is freaking out because a corporate client they had been styling for didn’t like any of the looks they gave them, so they need to find a whole new selection. After Rachel does some damage control, she sends Brad to get looks from twee forest elf Erin Featherston there in Paris while Taylor scouts out looks in LA. Between the two of them they get enough of a selection, and everything works out in the end.
After the fire is extinguished, they head off to the John Galliano show for some ridiculous clothes and fake snow (like snow snow, not the snow Rachel blows up Rodger’s butt during sex). Afterwards, Rachel says that she wants to “go see John” (again with the faux bff familiarity), and after an awkward minute talking with the designer, proceeds to raid the shoes from the show and pretends to eat them. Can’t take that woman anywhere, I swear!
After Galliano, it’s time for the main event: The Chanel Show. Rachel gets good seats while Brad is put in the nosebleeds. He remarks that it was strange that out of the packed house, the only vacant seat was next to him. He says it’s like Taylor was meant to sit there, though I like to think it’s because Brad can’t stop farting so they left a buffer zone around him. Again, just a theory.
Once the show ends, Rachel heads backstage to talk to terrifying zombie fashion overlord Karl Lagerfeld, looking as Lagerfeldy as ever. He strikes me as someone who probably smells like formaldehyde and doesn’t eat enough fiber. He is surprisingly cordial to her, and the two pose for a few pictures.
Afterwards Rachel and Brad have a big gushy tea and talk about how fortunate they are to be who they are. Brad marvels at how a boy from small-town Canada could amount to all this! You know, a probably very underpaid assistant to an emaciated she-mantis. He has ARRIVED. The two cry tears of joy.
After the emotiontea, Brad calls Taylor and the two awkwardly chat for a few minutes until Taylor says something bitchy and hangs up. Trouble’s a-brewin, y’all!
But Brad doesn’t have enough time for that though, because he has to go to the Marc Jacobs for Louis Vuitton show. The clothes look pretty good, though Marc Jacobs himself looks meth-faced and emaciated. Seriously, dude needs to put down the pipe and eat a cheeseburger.
After the show, Rachel goes and talks to Marc, one of her self-proclaimed “closest friends” to gush. He seems vaguely annoyed and gives off a major “get the fuck away from me vibe.”
Back at the hotel, Rodger gurgles “G-g-g-giiift? Piiicture?” and hands Rachel an album he jumbled together from pictures he took on their trip. Rachel is all “Awww baaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyy” and the two do gross affectionatey stuff.
In LA, Taylor’s parents come visit her at the studio, and she complains to them about her job issues. The two intense characters basically tell her to sack up and stay in her job.
And that ends the second to last episode! Next week bettah bring the dramz, since this week basically nothing happened. Which is kind of weird, because that means I just wrote 1000+ words about nothing. What a life.
Anyway, this week, Le Camp du Zoe va a Paris. Well, Le Camp du Zoe sans Taylor, le femme discontent perpetuelle (this is fakey French, I believe). That’s right, Rachel, with Brad, Rodger, Marisa, and Makeup Gay in tow, fly off to that gleaming continental city of lights. As she lounges in her opulent hotel suite, Rachel says that she feels bad about Taylor not being able to come, and that she should be there. Well Rach, if you wanted Taylor to be there, why didn’t you, I don’t know, BRING HER! She proceeds to unpack an obscene amount of luggage while Rodger sits and quietly makes a doody in his pants.
After the gang all unpack and get settled, Rachel and Brad head off to the Christian LaCroix show, a designer I know mainly for the repeated mentions in AbFab. They watch a series of lace clad skele’ins strut down the runway and Rachel mutters something about “Parisian Chic.” Afterwards, Rachel weasels her way back stage and talks to LaCroix as if they are best friends, but it’s obvious he has no idea who she is.
Next up they go to a show by Ungaro, which I remember nothing from but feel like I should mention. Moving on.
Back in LA, Taylor and Intern Jordan are working on some looks for Eva Mendes, Jennifer Garnder, and Demi Moore, who it seems are their only clients. Seriously, all they do is style these three women, and while I guess they’re all pretty famous, I can’t see how styling them supports such an expensive production. Maybe Rachel is engaging in some human trafficking on the side to earn some extra income. Just a theory. Can you imagine though? “Brad, these Thai children are buh-nanas. Let’s edge them out with a romper and a sheepskin vest.”
A Paris, Brad and Rachel head to their private appointment to see Coco Chanel’s apartment, preserved as if she were still living in it. The place was nice, but kind of struck me as a really fancy version of the Winchester Mystery House. They both queen out like it’s some sort of big deal, though I think anyone with enough money/with a TV crew can get a private viewing of this place.
After the two finish shitting themselves in ecstasy and change their pants, they head to the Stella McCartney show. Rachel sees Paul McCartney and shits her dress again, and Brad has some drama about finding his seat. Rachel interviews that she liked the show and wants the chunky knits on her body, which sounds like some sort of euphemism for a disgusting sex act.
Afterwards, everyone heads out for some sightseeing. They all wind up at a fancy vintage store, ostensibly looking for a present for Taylor, although all that happens is Rachel buys a Chanel suit and forces Brad to buy a mediocre Dior trench for thousands of dollars, like a couture drug pusher (his words).
Across the pond in LA, Taylor is freaking out because a corporate client they had been styling for didn’t like any of the looks they gave them, so they need to find a whole new selection. After Rachel does some damage control, she sends Brad to get looks from twee forest elf Erin Featherston there in Paris while Taylor scouts out looks in LA. Between the two of them they get enough of a selection, and everything works out in the end.
After the fire is extinguished, they head off to the John Galliano show for some ridiculous clothes and fake snow (like snow snow, not the snow Rachel blows up Rodger’s butt during sex). Afterwards, Rachel says that she wants to “go see John” (again with the faux bff familiarity), and after an awkward minute talking with the designer, proceeds to raid the shoes from the show and pretends to eat them. Can’t take that woman anywhere, I swear!
After Galliano, it’s time for the main event: The Chanel Show. Rachel gets good seats while Brad is put in the nosebleeds. He remarks that it was strange that out of the packed house, the only vacant seat was next to him. He says it’s like Taylor was meant to sit there, though I like to think it’s because Brad can’t stop farting so they left a buffer zone around him. Again, just a theory.
Once the show ends, Rachel heads backstage to talk to terrifying zombie fashion overlord Karl Lagerfeld, looking as Lagerfeldy as ever. He strikes me as someone who probably smells like formaldehyde and doesn’t eat enough fiber. He is surprisingly cordial to her, and the two pose for a few pictures.
Afterwards Rachel and Brad have a big gushy tea and talk about how fortunate they are to be who they are. Brad marvels at how a boy from small-town Canada could amount to all this! You know, a probably very underpaid assistant to an emaciated she-mantis. He has ARRIVED. The two cry tears of joy.
After the emotiontea, Brad calls Taylor and the two awkwardly chat for a few minutes until Taylor says something bitchy and hangs up. Trouble’s a-brewin, y’all!
But Brad doesn’t have enough time for that though, because he has to go to the Marc Jacobs for Louis Vuitton show. The clothes look pretty good, though Marc Jacobs himself looks meth-faced and emaciated. Seriously, dude needs to put down the pipe and eat a cheeseburger.
After the show, Rachel goes and talks to Marc, one of her self-proclaimed “closest friends” to gush. He seems vaguely annoyed and gives off a major “get the fuck away from me vibe.”
Back at the hotel, Rodger gurgles “G-g-g-giiift? Piiicture?” and hands Rachel an album he jumbled together from pictures he took on their trip. Rachel is all “Awww baaaaaaabyyyyyyyyyy” and the two do gross affectionatey stuff.
In LA, Taylor’s parents come visit her at the studio, and she complains to them about her job issues. The two intense characters basically tell her to sack up and stay in her job.
And that ends the second to last episode! Next week bettah bring the dramz, since this week basically nothing happened. Which is kind of weird, because that means I just wrote 1000+ words about nothing. What a life.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Rachel Zoe Recap: This woman is the worst boss ever.
This week was all about mental illness. Rachel has it. Big time.
I don’t know about you guys, but I spent this past week on pins and goddamned needles wondering whether Rachel would die or not after last week’s cliffhanger. Except not really at all.
Either way, this week it was resolved! The episode opens on Brad and Taylor talking about Rachel’s “illness.” Taylor says that Rachel might actually die. And not like, shutting it down die, for reals die. They both put on a good front and say that they will hold down the fort in der fuhrer’s absence, but they wonder what will happen if she actually dies. SHE IS NOT GOING TO DIE, SHUT UP!
Meanwhile, Rodger takes Rachel to a suspicious “hospital” called the Cwynar Center to meet with a “doctor” regarding her “illness.” After some quick Googling, it appears that the Cwynar Center specializes in weight loss and nutrition, both things that Rachel Zoe will obviously be familiar with. Well, not so much nutrition, but weight loss at least. Either way, I doubt that this “doctor” specializes in the treatment of actual illnesses. Unless your illness is your fat ass.
So, they go in, and the bebotoxed and berestalyned doctor tells Rachel that she has “vertigo” (which I always thought was a symptom and not a disease, but whatevs). Rachel characteristically overreacts and says she is in “fucking hell.” This scene really made me hate her a lot. Her, and Dr. Cwynar, and Rodger, and this whole goddamned city. People acting like they have goddamned cancer when what they really have is “all I eat is diet pills and I drink 20 gallons of black coffee a day.” GAAAAH!
Anyway, after the break we cut to Rachel, a couple days later, and she is (surprise surprise) feeling much better. She meets with the owner of Decades, her favorite vintage store, to discuss an upcoming collaboration she is doing with them. They’ll be doing a retrospective of sorts of all her jewelry. Rachel says that she has so many pieces, and she just wants to get rid of them, so they’ll be selling them and donating the money to charity. And by charity I mean cocaine up Rachel’s nose. I kid, I kid! It’s actually for cancer research. Booooring.
Since the jewelry retrospective will be told as a narrative of Rachel’s life (gag), she has her sister Pamela over to go through some old photos for inspiration. They look at the photos and reminisce about their good times, but all I could think about was how much of a Jewish beauty Rachel used to be. It’s amazing what blonde hair and losing half your body weight will do to change a person's ethnic identity. Anyway, they talk about stupid shit and pick out a few photos.
The next day Team Zoe meet at the studio where Rachel drops the bomb that they will all. Be. Going. To. Paris. Fashion. Week. Brad queens out and Taylor looks like she’s actually excited for the first time ever. Maybe things are turning a corner!
Except they’re not, because in the next scene Rachel tells Rodger that she just found out (yeah right) that they have 3 jobs coming up, so all three of them can’t go to Paris. Rachel decides the best way to pick who will go and who will stay is to e-mail both of them and then hope that Brad volunteers to stay back. She must have learned this in her seminar, entitled “How to be the Worst, Most Passive-Aggressive Manager on the Face of the Planet.” Seriously, who does that?! Obviously the actual best course of action is to just decide who will stay and who will go. Terrible.
Anyway, back at the studio Brad and Taylor talk about the e-mail, and quickly get into an argument about the whole situation. Taylor says that Rachel was hoping that Brad would volunteer, which causes him to get all flushed and angry. He says that he feels like he was being tested, and says how (appropriately) pissed off he is. Taylor tells him he should talk to Rachel.
Except he can’t, because Rachel is off to her fabulussssssssssss show at Decades, which winds up being really elaborate and fancy. Rachel talks to prospective buyers about how each piece of jewelry represents a part of her life, and they are all precious to her. This strangely reminded me of the scene in Les Miserables when Fantine sells her hair for money. Weird. Anyway, the show is actually pretty cool and humanizing. Again, BORING.
Later in the studio, Taylor tells Brad that she just spoke with Rachel who told her that she wants Taylor to decide who will stay and who will go, adding a new level of bullshit to this whole situation. Brad says that it should be Rachel who decides since she’s the boss, and Taylor agrees. But, this isn’t the case, and Taylor says that while she had been looking forward to going she thinks Brad should be the one to go because he deserves it and it’s his dream. The whole scene winds up being really heartwarming. What is with Taylor being nice this episode? It feels weird.
Brad still decides he needs to give Rachel a talking to, so he heads over to her house to meet. He tells her how pissed he was about the way she chose to handle the Paris issue. She is evasive and noncommittal, and tells him to leave the whole thing behind in LA and forget about it. Yes, ignoring bad feelings and bottling them up inside you is totally the best course of action to resolve conflict, always. Did Dr. Cwynar tell you that? Rachel does admit that she fucked up though, which is something.
So that was that episode. I really liked Rachel last season, but each episode this season makes me like her less and less. Why must she be such an idiot all the time?
Also, what is up with the fucking Bing endorsements this season?! Everything is “Bing” this, “Bing” that. Have you ever actually used Bing? It sucks! Stop telling me to use it, Bravo!
Anyway, next episode promises Paris and passive aggression, so get ready to claw your eyes out, America.
I don’t know about you guys, but I spent this past week on pins and goddamned needles wondering whether Rachel would die or not after last week’s cliffhanger. Except not really at all.
Either way, this week it was resolved! The episode opens on Brad and Taylor talking about Rachel’s “illness.” Taylor says that Rachel might actually die. And not like, shutting it down die, for reals die. They both put on a good front and say that they will hold down the fort in der fuhrer’s absence, but they wonder what will happen if she actually dies. SHE IS NOT GOING TO DIE, SHUT UP!
Meanwhile, Rodger takes Rachel to a suspicious “hospital” called the Cwynar Center to meet with a “doctor” regarding her “illness.” After some quick Googling, it appears that the Cwynar Center specializes in weight loss and nutrition, both things that Rachel Zoe will obviously be familiar with. Well, not so much nutrition, but weight loss at least. Either way, I doubt that this “doctor” specializes in the treatment of actual illnesses. Unless your illness is your fat ass.
So, they go in, and the bebotoxed and berestalyned doctor tells Rachel that she has “vertigo” (which I always thought was a symptom and not a disease, but whatevs). Rachel characteristically overreacts and says she is in “fucking hell.” This scene really made me hate her a lot. Her, and Dr. Cwynar, and Rodger, and this whole goddamned city. People acting like they have goddamned cancer when what they really have is “all I eat is diet pills and I drink 20 gallons of black coffee a day.” GAAAAH!
Anyway, after the break we cut to Rachel, a couple days later, and she is (surprise surprise) feeling much better. She meets with the owner of Decades, her favorite vintage store, to discuss an upcoming collaboration she is doing with them. They’ll be doing a retrospective of sorts of all her jewelry. Rachel says that she has so many pieces, and she just wants to get rid of them, so they’ll be selling them and donating the money to charity. And by charity I mean cocaine up Rachel’s nose. I kid, I kid! It’s actually for cancer research. Booooring.
Since the jewelry retrospective will be told as a narrative of Rachel’s life (gag), she has her sister Pamela over to go through some old photos for inspiration. They look at the photos and reminisce about their good times, but all I could think about was how much of a Jewish beauty Rachel used to be. It’s amazing what blonde hair and losing half your body weight will do to change a person's ethnic identity. Anyway, they talk about stupid shit and pick out a few photos.
The next day Team Zoe meet at the studio where Rachel drops the bomb that they will all. Be. Going. To. Paris. Fashion. Week. Brad queens out and Taylor looks like she’s actually excited for the first time ever. Maybe things are turning a corner!
Except they’re not, because in the next scene Rachel tells Rodger that she just found out (yeah right) that they have 3 jobs coming up, so all three of them can’t go to Paris. Rachel decides the best way to pick who will go and who will stay is to e-mail both of them and then hope that Brad volunteers to stay back. She must have learned this in her seminar, entitled “How to be the Worst, Most Passive-Aggressive Manager on the Face of the Planet.” Seriously, who does that?! Obviously the actual best course of action is to just decide who will stay and who will go. Terrible.
Anyway, back at the studio Brad and Taylor talk about the e-mail, and quickly get into an argument about the whole situation. Taylor says that Rachel was hoping that Brad would volunteer, which causes him to get all flushed and angry. He says that he feels like he was being tested, and says how (appropriately) pissed off he is. Taylor tells him he should talk to Rachel.
Except he can’t, because Rachel is off to her fabulussssssssssss show at Decades, which winds up being really elaborate and fancy. Rachel talks to prospective buyers about how each piece of jewelry represents a part of her life, and they are all precious to her. This strangely reminded me of the scene in Les Miserables when Fantine sells her hair for money. Weird. Anyway, the show is actually pretty cool and humanizing. Again, BORING.
Later in the studio, Taylor tells Brad that she just spoke with Rachel who told her that she wants Taylor to decide who will stay and who will go, adding a new level of bullshit to this whole situation. Brad says that it should be Rachel who decides since she’s the boss, and Taylor agrees. But, this isn’t the case, and Taylor says that while she had been looking forward to going she thinks Brad should be the one to go because he deserves it and it’s his dream. The whole scene winds up being really heartwarming. What is with Taylor being nice this episode? It feels weird.
Brad still decides he needs to give Rachel a talking to, so he heads over to her house to meet. He tells her how pissed he was about the way she chose to handle the Paris issue. She is evasive and noncommittal, and tells him to leave the whole thing behind in LA and forget about it. Yes, ignoring bad feelings and bottling them up inside you is totally the best course of action to resolve conflict, always. Did Dr. Cwynar tell you that? Rachel does admit that she fucked up though, which is something.
So that was that episode. I really liked Rachel last season, but each episode this season makes me like her less and less. Why must she be such an idiot all the time?
Also, what is up with the fucking Bing endorsements this season?! Everything is “Bing” this, “Bing” that. Have you ever actually used Bing? It sucks! Stop telling me to use it, Bravo!
Anyway, next episode promises Paris and passive aggression, so get ready to claw your eyes out, America.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Rachel Zoe Recap: Rachel dies, literally.
Everything’s coming up Zoe this week! Endorsements! Cartoon appearances! Photoshoots! Illnesses!
It looks like Rachel will finally get to put her acting chops to work: this week she receives a call from noted cougar enthusiast Ashton Kutcher asking her to appear in an episode of his retardedly-titled web series “the Blah Girls.” Jumping at the opportunity to pretend that she is friends with the celebrities she styles, she agrees and heads across town to meet with the Douche Prince.
Ashton tells Rachel that in the “episode,” she will be styling the Blah Girls for their prom. Rachel takes this opportunity to boast that she went to six proms. What a floozy. She likes the idea, but says she also wants make over all the girls and edge them out a little bit, which makes me think that she may not realize that these are cartoons and not in fact real girls. Also, I really want to be able to say “we just need to edge it out a little bit” in my daily life. New goal of this week is to work it into conversation somewhere.
“Noah, have you taken a look at the new marketing brochures?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you think?”
“They’re cool, but I just think we need to edge them out a little bit. Maybe give them a faux-fur vest and some sequins or something.”
“You’re fired.”
Anyway, they commence filming a couple scenes and it quickly becomes clear that Rachel cannot act. Like, at all. She also says that she can't read the script. Guys, is RZ illiterate? I've never seen her read or write anything. Conspiracy theory! Call the Truthers! Also hilarious, Rachel has to react to a cartoon that's not there, Jurassic Park style. Since she has no imagination at all, she fails at this too. Someone better introduce that bitch to Figment. Also, for some reason in my notes for this episode I wrote "inexplicable woozy" during this section, but I was drunk so I have no idea now what it referred to. Just thought I'd add that.
Anyway, we cut accross town breifly to Taylor doing a styling job by herself...again. And she complains about how she doesnt want to this...again. And how she's not focusing on her career...again. At this point they could just replace her with a VHS tape of her on a loop and it would serve the same purpose. Actually, that's a good idea. It'd be very high-art.
So that happens, and we head back over to Trainwreck Studios to watch Rachel make a fool of herself. Now she's doing voiceovers, which like her acting abilities, also sucks. The producer of the program winds up having to feed her lines, and it is clear that he hates his job/life. After a while though, Rachel gets into the swing of things and actually starts doing half-decent. She even improvs some parts! Watch out, Groundlings!
Rachel leaves Metro Goldwyn Douchebag studios and heads over to the Glamour shoot, where she is met by Jordan, Taylor, as well as Makeup Gay and Hair Gay. If Brad were there, then all Rachel's gays could cry "UNITE!" and turn into their giant, fabulous, gay Voltron robot. But alas, he was not, so they don't.
Since this shoot is based on reader questions, Rachel says that she is planning on styling for the everygirl. She then proceeds to dress the models in oversized fake-sheepskin vests and insectoid sunglasses. Everygirl indeed.
Rachel quickly takes over the entire shoot, much to the dismay of the photographer, creative director, and Glamour editor there. She also tells the black model that her hair is too "curly curly" and that they should smoooth it out a little bit, causing America to cringe so hard you can practically hear it.
Since she isn't able to be much help to Rachpoleon, Taylor goes outside to call Brad, who is adorably taking his elder dog (IT HAS A PACEMAKER, GUYS!) to the groomers. Taylor thinks this is outrageous, but that's just because she traded her heart away when she was 15 for a Baby-G watch and a pair of Sketchers. No, they were cool then!
The next day at the studio, Marisa arrives with Rachel's Blah Girls episode, hot off the douche presses. It looks really low budget, and is painfully unfunny. It also includes a gag with a girl literally giving birth to a cow (have a cow, get it?) that I am ashamed to say took me 15 minutes to get. I just thought it was some non-sequitor Family Guy shit. Apparently Ashton Kutcher is too smart for me.
After they finish watching the video, Ashton and Demi call (how convenient) from Atlanta. Rachel gushes about how she loooooooved it and how it looked so goooooood. Brad asks, totally unprompted by the Bravo producers standing around them, whether they've seen any of the ATL housewives while they were there. They haven't.
Accross town, Taylor meets with a friend of hers whose name I forget to ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN talk about how she isn't satisfied with her job. Is this bullshit going to last all season? Just QUIT already! Her beast of a friend asks whether she is happy, and Taylor says she isn't, and wants to style big corporate accounts, like Dodge (WTF?).
Taylor heads over to the studio to meet with Rach and finally talk about how she isn't happy. However, Rachel is inexplicably too "sick" and nauseous to even sit up. Taylor reacts so calmly and with such speed that it seems like she's done this before. Now I'm not saying Rachel does drugs or anything, but didn't this scene seem like a bad trip, say on something like Mexican diet pills? Just sayin'.
Rachel lays on the couch and moans while Brad and Taylor make fun of her. Brad offers her a clutch to barf in and says she looks fashionably nauseous. They offer to take her to the hospital, but she refuses (DIET PILL OVERDOSE), so they drive her home and call Rodger, who also acts like this situation is strangely familiar.
When they arrive, Taylor calls the Drug Overdose Hotline, ahem, I mean the "advice nurse," who says that Rachel just needs to lay down and ride it out. When asked what she thinks made her sick, Rachel cryptically says "my world is making me sick."
As Rachel lays on her deathbed, she and Taylor have a heart to heart. Taylor begs her not to die (I am not joking), and Rachel weakly tells Taylor that she is her "blessed jewel" like some sort of expiring family matriarch. Then Bravo rolls a big "To be continued..." as if they actually can make us think that Rachel might die in the next episode. How dumb do they think I am? Well actually, dumb enough to not get a joke in Blah Girls, so yeah...
It looks like Rachel will finally get to put her acting chops to work: this week she receives a call from noted cougar enthusiast Ashton Kutcher asking her to appear in an episode of his retardedly-titled web series “the Blah Girls.” Jumping at the opportunity to pretend that she is friends with the celebrities she styles, she agrees and heads across town to meet with the Douche Prince.
Ashton tells Rachel that in the “episode,” she will be styling the Blah Girls for their prom. Rachel takes this opportunity to boast that she went to six proms. What a floozy. She likes the idea, but says she also wants make over all the girls and edge them out a little bit, which makes me think that she may not realize that these are cartoons and not in fact real girls. Also, I really want to be able to say “we just need to edge it out a little bit” in my daily life. New goal of this week is to work it into conversation somewhere.
“Noah, have you taken a look at the new marketing brochures?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you think?”
“They’re cool, but I just think we need to edge them out a little bit. Maybe give them a faux-fur vest and some sequins or something.”
“You’re fired.”
Anyway, they commence filming a couple scenes and it quickly becomes clear that Rachel cannot act. Like, at all. She also says that she can't read the script. Guys, is RZ illiterate? I've never seen her read or write anything. Conspiracy theory! Call the Truthers! Also hilarious, Rachel has to react to a cartoon that's not there, Jurassic Park style. Since she has no imagination at all, she fails at this too. Someone better introduce that bitch to Figment. Also, for some reason in my notes for this episode I wrote "inexplicable woozy" during this section, but I was drunk so I have no idea now what it referred to. Just thought I'd add that.
Anyway, we cut accross town breifly to Taylor doing a styling job by herself...again. And she complains about how she doesnt want to this...again. And how she's not focusing on her career...again. At this point they could just replace her with a VHS tape of her on a loop and it would serve the same purpose. Actually, that's a good idea. It'd be very high-art.
So that happens, and we head back over to Trainwreck Studios to watch Rachel make a fool of herself. Now she's doing voiceovers, which like her acting abilities, also sucks. The producer of the program winds up having to feed her lines, and it is clear that he hates his job/life. After a while though, Rachel gets into the swing of things and actually starts doing half-decent. She even improvs some parts! Watch out, Groundlings!
Rachel leaves Metro Goldwyn Douchebag studios and heads over to the Glamour shoot, where she is met by Jordan, Taylor, as well as Makeup Gay and Hair Gay. If Brad were there, then all Rachel's gays could cry "UNITE!" and turn into their giant, fabulous, gay Voltron robot. But alas, he was not, so they don't.
Since this shoot is based on reader questions, Rachel says that she is planning on styling for the everygirl. She then proceeds to dress the models in oversized fake-sheepskin vests and insectoid sunglasses. Everygirl indeed.
Rachel quickly takes over the entire shoot, much to the dismay of the photographer, creative director, and Glamour editor there. She also tells the black model that her hair is too "curly curly" and that they should smoooth it out a little bit, causing America to cringe so hard you can practically hear it.
Since she isn't able to be much help to Rachpoleon, Taylor goes outside to call Brad, who is adorably taking his elder dog (IT HAS A PACEMAKER, GUYS!) to the groomers. Taylor thinks this is outrageous, but that's just because she traded her heart away when she was 15 for a Baby-G watch and a pair of Sketchers. No, they were cool then!
The next day at the studio, Marisa arrives with Rachel's Blah Girls episode, hot off the douche presses. It looks really low budget, and is painfully unfunny. It also includes a gag with a girl literally giving birth to a cow (have a cow, get it?) that I am ashamed to say took me 15 minutes to get. I just thought it was some non-sequitor Family Guy shit. Apparently Ashton Kutcher is too smart for me.
After they finish watching the video, Ashton and Demi call (how convenient) from Atlanta. Rachel gushes about how she loooooooved it and how it looked so goooooood. Brad asks, totally unprompted by the Bravo producers standing around them, whether they've seen any of the ATL housewives while they were there. They haven't.
Accross town, Taylor meets with a friend of hers whose name I forget to ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN talk about how she isn't satisfied with her job. Is this bullshit going to last all season? Just QUIT already! Her beast of a friend asks whether she is happy, and Taylor says she isn't, and wants to style big corporate accounts, like Dodge (WTF?).
Taylor heads over to the studio to meet with Rach and finally talk about how she isn't happy. However, Rachel is inexplicably too "sick" and nauseous to even sit up. Taylor reacts so calmly and with such speed that it seems like she's done this before. Now I'm not saying Rachel does drugs or anything, but didn't this scene seem like a bad trip, say on something like Mexican diet pills? Just sayin'.
Rachel lays on the couch and moans while Brad and Taylor make fun of her. Brad offers her a clutch to barf in and says she looks fashionably nauseous. They offer to take her to the hospital, but she refuses (DIET PILL OVERDOSE), so they drive her home and call Rodger, who also acts like this situation is strangely familiar.
When they arrive, Taylor calls the Drug Overdose Hotline, ahem, I mean the "advice nurse," who says that Rachel just needs to lay down and ride it out. When asked what she thinks made her sick, Rachel cryptically says "my world is making me sick."
As Rachel lays on her deathbed, she and Taylor have a heart to heart. Taylor begs her not to die (I am not joking), and Rachel weakly tells Taylor that she is her "blessed jewel" like some sort of expiring family matriarch. Then Bravo rolls a big "To be continued..." as if they actually can make us think that Rachel might die in the next episode. How dumb do they think I am? Well actually, dumb enough to not get a joke in Blah Girls, so yeah...
Monday, September 21, 2009
Rachel Zoe Recap: The press are like, so mean.
The world is a harsh, cold, spiteful place. People just want to build you up so they can tear you down. Where is the decency?! Where is the love?! All questions are asked this week.
The episode starts off on a good note as the Zoe Camp bask in the post-Oscar praise for Anne Hathaway. All the mags gave her A+ ratings, and Rachel is feeling good until she discovers a negative blurb from the New York Post wherein she is called “pin thin” and it is claimed that she freaked out at an Oscar party.
Blowing this tiny, slightly-mean blurb astronomically out of proportion, Rachel goes into a tirade about how unfair the press is to her, and how she hates all of them, and why don’t they just LEAVE RACHEL ALONE! To me this seems like a subtle brag, like “ughh, people are so obsessed with me, it’s TERRIBLE,” even though you know she secretly loves that her name is on everybody’s lips.
Rachel somehow manages to pull herself together enough to plan the party she is hosting for her friends Byron and Tracy’s eponymous salon. They go over the gigantic guest list, and Rachel takes another opportunity to complain about her difficult life when the topic of the media is raised. She says that she may not talk to some media outlets, since most are not too kind to her. Boo hoo cry me a river.
Over at the Zoe studio, Brad and Taylor are making cute banter about what they’ll wear to the salon opening. Taylor says Brad should wear something slutty, since they’ll be going out. Brad says he doesn’t do slutty, which is unfortunate, because I would love to see what Brad’s version of slutty is. I’m picturing knee socks, short shorts, and an oversized lollipop. Taylor says that they’ll be going out and getting sloppy afterwards, and Brad asks whether this means he’ll have to pick up all the things she drops and carry her around like last time, which I would have loved to see.
Later, Rachel gets a call from her publicist or somebody telling her that Marie Claire wants her to do a recession-appropriate “style on a budget” feature for them. Rachel is tres enthusiastic until she learns that they want her to be the model. Letting loose another brag-disguised-as-complaint, Rachel whines that she simply haaaates modeling and doesn’t know how she’ll EVER manage to do this shoot. Whatever, you know when she’s all alone she smizes and model-hunches in front of the mirror for hours. She apparently even tried her hand at modeling when she was young, but sucked at it, so she became a stylist. Anyway, she “reluctantly” agrees to do the shoot.
The next morning, Rachel is still complaining about her negative press. Rodger tells her she looks purdy before nearly burning down the house making breakfast. Despite this, his mongoloid grunts are somehow comforting to her, and she feels a little better.
After politely eating the surely horrible breakfast Rodger prepared for her, Rachel heads over to the Marie Claire shoot with team of gays in tow, since she craves sycophantic validation. Upon arriving, they all have a pow wow about Rachel’s look. Hairgay says that Rachel should wear her hair up in one of the shots, but Rachel doesn’t want to, since big billowy hair gives her power. Brad asks whether she’ll let him style her or not for the shoot to which she replies “unclear.” Apparently she’s turned into a Magic 8 Ball. Brad also tries his best to style her, but she keeps ignoring his picks in favor of slouchy sequined vests and oversized floral muumuus. When will they ever give Brad a chance to SHINE?
Back at the studio, Taylor complains about something or other as usual. This time she’s upset that she’s stuck doing all the post-Oscar dress returning and stuff while Fancypants Brad gets to go off and play with Rachel at the Marie Claire shoot. Basically, Taylor complains about some sort of permutation of “my work is boring and Brad is incompetent” in every episode. Homegirl needs to find herself a new job!
Across town, Rodger meets with a web consultant at Toast to discuss bringing the Zoe brand to the web. He says that the best way to combat Rachel’s bad press is to create an online presence where she can respond. Then he spits up on himself a little bit before passing out in the chair while the consultant softly burps him.
Things are going full force at the shoot. Rachel poses awkwardly in a series of outfits while her mob of gay monkeys hoot and holler at her from the sidelines. Rachel, echoing the sentiment of every chubby Midwestern girl who watched Will and Grace and once knew one gay person in high school, interviews that there’s nothing like a team of gay men to make a woman feel great.
Later, Brad does his one millionth Taylor impression, which Makeup Gay takes a picture of and sends to her, causing Taylor's head to fly off with a cartoon “boi-oi-oi-oi-oing” sound effect.
Anyway, the shoot wraps up, and everyone fellates Rachel’s ego and tells her how good she did and blah blah yadda yadda. Also, she totes wound up wearing the muumuu.
After a useless interlude where some retarded model comes to the studio and puts on a pretty dress, Taylor tells Brad that she will not be attending the party because she’s too tiiiiired. Brad interviews that this is all kinds of lame, since going to the events is part of their job description. He tells Taylor that it’s things like this that make everyone call her “Bailer,” which she says is “so fucking rude!” before storming out.
Meanwhile, Rachel and Makeup Gay are getting ready for the event. She is still complaining about her bad press, and it becomes clear that girl’s obviously very damaged and can’t handle any sort of criticism. One of them mentions how her “heart is too big,” and I barf all over myself. They move on to talk about how lame it is that Taylor is bailing. Drama!
At the studio, Taylor gives an oddly humanizing interview where she says that the reason she isn’t going to the party is because she’s socially awkward and doesn’t like being around strangers. In a brilliant piece of editing, the camera cuts to her wistfully zipping up her going out dress in a garment bag. Then a sad clown playing a violin walks out, a single tear falling from his expressive eye.
Back at Rachel’s house, everyone is freaking out over what she’ll wear. Since she’s been getting so much flack for being too skinny, it’s decided that Rachel shouldn’t wear anything too ribcagey or spine revealing. Trouble is, everything she owns is ribcagey or spine revealing. After much drama and complaining she settles on a hideous purple sequined nightmare and they all head to the party.
Rachel soon forgets her rib-n-spine woes and everyone has a great time. Brad hams it up for the cameras and he and Rachel talk about how Taylor should have come. Later, Rachel runs into old rival Nicole Richie. She claims that the two have made up and were chatting like two schoolgirls but from the looks of things it seemed like Rachel mainly talked at Nicole while she looked annoyed. The two did pose for paparazzi pics though, so I guess that's something.
The episode ends on a happy little button as Rachel and Rodger look at her shoot in the new issue of Marie Claire. Rachel says she’s happy about how the shoot turned out and Rodger says “Pretty lady!” before whacking her over the head with a club and dragging her off into the bedroom. Ah, love…
The episode starts off on a good note as the Zoe Camp bask in the post-Oscar praise for Anne Hathaway. All the mags gave her A+ ratings, and Rachel is feeling good until she discovers a negative blurb from the New York Post wherein she is called “pin thin” and it is claimed that she freaked out at an Oscar party.
Blowing this tiny, slightly-mean blurb astronomically out of proportion, Rachel goes into a tirade about how unfair the press is to her, and how she hates all of them, and why don’t they just LEAVE RACHEL ALONE! To me this seems like a subtle brag, like “ughh, people are so obsessed with me, it’s TERRIBLE,” even though you know she secretly loves that her name is on everybody’s lips.
Rachel somehow manages to pull herself together enough to plan the party she is hosting for her friends Byron and Tracy’s eponymous salon. They go over the gigantic guest list, and Rachel takes another opportunity to complain about her difficult life when the topic of the media is raised. She says that she may not talk to some media outlets, since most are not too kind to her. Boo hoo cry me a river.
Over at the Zoe studio, Brad and Taylor are making cute banter about what they’ll wear to the salon opening. Taylor says Brad should wear something slutty, since they’ll be going out. Brad says he doesn’t do slutty, which is unfortunate, because I would love to see what Brad’s version of slutty is. I’m picturing knee socks, short shorts, and an oversized lollipop. Taylor says that they’ll be going out and getting sloppy afterwards, and Brad asks whether this means he’ll have to pick up all the things she drops and carry her around like last time, which I would have loved to see.
Later, Rachel gets a call from her publicist or somebody telling her that Marie Claire wants her to do a recession-appropriate “style on a budget” feature for them. Rachel is tres enthusiastic until she learns that they want her to be the model. Letting loose another brag-disguised-as-complaint, Rachel whines that she simply haaaates modeling and doesn’t know how she’ll EVER manage to do this shoot. Whatever, you know when she’s all alone she smizes and model-hunches in front of the mirror for hours. She apparently even tried her hand at modeling when she was young, but sucked at it, so she became a stylist. Anyway, she “reluctantly” agrees to do the shoot.
The next morning, Rachel is still complaining about her negative press. Rodger tells her she looks purdy before nearly burning down the house making breakfast. Despite this, his mongoloid grunts are somehow comforting to her, and she feels a little better.
After politely eating the surely horrible breakfast Rodger prepared for her, Rachel heads over to the Marie Claire shoot with team of gays in tow, since she craves sycophantic validation. Upon arriving, they all have a pow wow about Rachel’s look. Hairgay says that Rachel should wear her hair up in one of the shots, but Rachel doesn’t want to, since big billowy hair gives her power. Brad asks whether she’ll let him style her or not for the shoot to which she replies “unclear.” Apparently she’s turned into a Magic 8 Ball. Brad also tries his best to style her, but she keeps ignoring his picks in favor of slouchy sequined vests and oversized floral muumuus. When will they ever give Brad a chance to SHINE?
Back at the studio, Taylor complains about something or other as usual. This time she’s upset that she’s stuck doing all the post-Oscar dress returning and stuff while Fancypants Brad gets to go off and play with Rachel at the Marie Claire shoot. Basically, Taylor complains about some sort of permutation of “my work is boring and Brad is incompetent” in every episode. Homegirl needs to find herself a new job!
Across town, Rodger meets with a web consultant at Toast to discuss bringing the Zoe brand to the web. He says that the best way to combat Rachel’s bad press is to create an online presence where she can respond. Then he spits up on himself a little bit before passing out in the chair while the consultant softly burps him.
Things are going full force at the shoot. Rachel poses awkwardly in a series of outfits while her mob of gay monkeys hoot and holler at her from the sidelines. Rachel, echoing the sentiment of every chubby Midwestern girl who watched Will and Grace and once knew one gay person in high school, interviews that there’s nothing like a team of gay men to make a woman feel great.
Later, Brad does his one millionth Taylor impression, which Makeup Gay takes a picture of and sends to her, causing Taylor's head to fly off with a cartoon “boi-oi-oi-oi-oing” sound effect.
Anyway, the shoot wraps up, and everyone fellates Rachel’s ego and tells her how good she did and blah blah yadda yadda. Also, she totes wound up wearing the muumuu.
After a useless interlude where some retarded model comes to the studio and puts on a pretty dress, Taylor tells Brad that she will not be attending the party because she’s too tiiiiired. Brad interviews that this is all kinds of lame, since going to the events is part of their job description. He tells Taylor that it’s things like this that make everyone call her “Bailer,” which she says is “so fucking rude!” before storming out.
Meanwhile, Rachel and Makeup Gay are getting ready for the event. She is still complaining about her bad press, and it becomes clear that girl’s obviously very damaged and can’t handle any sort of criticism. One of them mentions how her “heart is too big,” and I barf all over myself. They move on to talk about how lame it is that Taylor is bailing. Drama!
At the studio, Taylor gives an oddly humanizing interview where she says that the reason she isn’t going to the party is because she’s socially awkward and doesn’t like being around strangers. In a brilliant piece of editing, the camera cuts to her wistfully zipping up her going out dress in a garment bag. Then a sad clown playing a violin walks out, a single tear falling from his expressive eye.
Back at Rachel’s house, everyone is freaking out over what she’ll wear. Since she’s been getting so much flack for being too skinny, it’s decided that Rachel shouldn’t wear anything too ribcagey or spine revealing. Trouble is, everything she owns is ribcagey or spine revealing. After much drama and complaining she settles on a hideous purple sequined nightmare and they all head to the party.
Rachel soon forgets her rib-n-spine woes and everyone has a great time. Brad hams it up for the cameras and he and Rachel talk about how Taylor should have come. Later, Rachel runs into old rival Nicole Richie. She claims that the two have made up and were chatting like two schoolgirls but from the looks of things it seemed like Rachel mainly talked at Nicole while she looked annoyed. The two did pose for paparazzi pics though, so I guess that's something.
The episode ends on a happy little button as Rachel and Rodger look at her shoot in the new issue of Marie Claire. Rachel says she’s happy about how the shoot turned out and Rodger says “Pretty lady!” before whacking her over the head with a club and dragging her off into the bedroom. Ah, love…
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Rachel Zoe Recap: "Throw a leather jacket over a romper, throw it over a ball gown, throw it over everything."
Phrew! After a week of being on pins and needles, we will finally get to see Episode Two: Armani Prive Trains Strike Back. For those who didn’t watch last week, or are too lazy to scroll further on this blog to read the recap (sloth is a deadly sin, BTW. Just sayin'), Rachel had requested that Armani add a train to Annie's Oscar dress. However, Rachel hates the first option they give her, so now they are down to one train left. Rachel had better like the second look, or Mr. Armani will have her head on a fabulous tulle-enshrouded platter.
So, the second model comes out and….everyone loves it (surprise surprise). They all agree that it looks very modern and gorgeous, though I actually thought it looked kind of fugly, like someone stapled your grandmother’s lace tablecloth onto the models back. But whatevs, I guess that’s why I’m not an arthropodian Hollywood stylist.
Anyway, after everyone stops congratulating everybody giving each other reach-arounds, Rachel says that she has a good feeling about the dress, but she will OF COURSE have to see it on Anne, leaving the opportunity for Bravo to craft some made up plot tension, since obviously Anne Hathaway will be wearing the fucking Armani gown after all this commotion.
Later the gang meet to discuss their Oscar game plan. Rachel informs Brad that he will be with Anne all day on Oscar day, meaning he will essentially be handling everything. Rachel assures him it is a big responsibility, and she doesn’t want any fuckups like last year, when Cameron Diaz nearly killed herself and a bus load of blind children because Brad forgot to give her nipple covers to hide her jumblies. So, NO MISTAKES BRAD OR RACHEL WILL EAT YOUR HEAD LIKE THE PRAYING MANTIS SHE IS!
In addition to Anne Hathaway, Team Zoe will also be styling Demi Moore for the Oscar party she is co-hosting with Madonna. What's up with people who aren’t nominated or even associated with the Oscars at all hosting lavish afterparties? It’s like they think by having their name associated with a related event, everyone will just assume they were nominated. It just seems kind of desperate, but whatever. Anyway, after rejecting several perfectly fine dresses, Tay Tay and Rach settle on an oversexed Morticia Adams ensemble.
After some SexyBack-knockoff interstitial music, it’s CHAOS AT THE THOMPSON! Makeup Gay is hurriedly prepping Rachel for the Marc Jacobs show, which she absolutely must be on time for. Apparently, last year she was late and it was the scandal of fashion week. Or at least, was mentioned in passing by a gossip website. We never said modesty was her strong suit. They all hop in an SUV and race across town to the show, arriving in time to see Marc’s bizarre line of psychedelic acid bubbe creations.
With fashion week now officially over, Team Zoe head back to LA. Though they have a lot on their plate for Oscar week, they still have regular styling duties, and today Rachel and Taylor are out doing a “personal shop” for Liv Tyler. Taylor is still upset about the Jennifer Garner InStyle miscommunication, but Rachel essentially tells her to STFU, so she lets it go. With that settled, we’re treated to a hilarious shopping montage of the two getting looks for Liv as Rachel shouts “She will LIV(E). IN. THAT.” after nearly every outfit. Puns!
Later at the studio, Ms. Tyler arrives and is delightfully charming. Apparently Brad has done a lot of styling stuff with her in the past, so they are basically BFF’s now. What proceeds is a ten minute advertisement for Liv Tyler, as she trys on a bunch of looks and Rachel and Brad tell her how faaaaabulous she looks. Rachel relays a funny story about how she and Rodger were watching a movie of Liv’s, and during a scene where Ms. Tyler pulls out a boob (because lobbing out one tit is totally classier than showing the pair), Rodger screamed “GROSS!” and barfed all over the place, since apparently he and Liv are old friends. Anyway, Liv is pleased with the looks assembled, and happily bounds off to cyclops WeHo in her new Marc Jacobs romper.
Back at the Zoe homestead, Rachel tells Rodger that she thinks Brad might have a repeat of last year, and she worries he will fuck things up. Rodger assures her that Brad has done a lot of living and growing since then, so he’ll do fine. It’s not like it’s surgery or anything. Rachel counters that “It is actually surgery!” Apparently Brad will also be removing Ms. Hathaway’s appendix on Oscar day in addition to styling her look.
Across town, Taylor phones Brad in the studio to try and get him to help her style Jen Garner’s shoot. Brad refuses, since he’s too busy with Oscar prep. Taylor interviews that Brad was initially hired to help Taylor, so she doesn’t understand why he isn’t helping her. Except he is, since he is doing all the styling for Anne Hathaway, which Taylor would assumedly be doing instead if he didn’t work there. But who’s keeping track.
Whatever though, Brad has bigger fish to fry since Rachel has just told him that ANNE NEEDS A SECOND GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING LOOK! Apparently in addition to being nominated, she’s also participating in a musical number with Hugh Jackman at the beginning, which means she needs a dress she’ll be able to move in. However, like most things on this ridiculous show, it’s not nearly as big of a problem as they make it out to be, since they find a dress that will work within minutes.
Later, another bomb is dropped: they will only have one hour with Anne to do a fitting. IMPOSSIBLE! It takes years to put dresses on skinny actresses, not one mere hour! He’s not a magician! He phones Rachel, who is typically freaking about the news. Makeup Gay tries to lighten the mood, saying they should just throw some American Apparel leggings on her and call it a day. The two boys then have an impromptu Flashdance party, having a grand old time until Marisa comes in and gives them serious sideye, shitting all over everything as usual. What a bitch.
Anyway, Anne comes over (which we don’t get to see, because she’s an actual celebrity), and both looks looked great on her. They’ve also decided to not use either train on the dress, which I’m sure Armani will be thrilled about. The nerve of dat broad!
Before Rachel leaves, she says she needs to talk to Brad about his attitude. “Brad… you have a Braditude” she says earnestly. “A moody. Snarky. Braditude.” Brad says he didn’t realize he was doing it, but he’ll try to be more upbeat, though he counters that Rachel also has an attitude. Rachel says she is passive aggressive, not snarky. There’s a difference.
Things aren’t all scalding-city for Brad though. Rachel fills him in on the wonderful news that HE. WILL. BE. GOING. TO. THE . OSCARS. WITH. ANNE. HATHAWAY. Apparently he’ll be there to help her change her outfits and make sure there aren’t any wardrobe problems. After Brad finishes crying and regains sanity, they both talk about what a surreal experience this is.
Finally, it’s Oscar day! Except for a fiasco involving nude leotard underwear and Anne Hathaway almost breaking out into a rash, the day goes swimmingly. Rachel says that Annie looked gorgeous and her body was out of control. I’m hoping she means out of control as in had explosive diarrhea and was convulsing all over the place, but I think she means it in a good way (sigh).
The next day all three Zoeians recap the previous day’s events. Brad had a crazy good time backstage at the Oscars, getting to see all of his favorite celebrities including Zac Efron, who he LOVES (which is kind of creepy considering Brad is like 32 and Zac Efron looks 12, but whatever). Since she hates fun and laughter, Taylor scowls and yells from the couch that she would rather shoot herself than go to the Oscars, and this conversation makes her want to slit her wrists. And with that, the episode ends. What a positive way to close things!
So anyway, that was that episode. One of the best, if only because it introduced “Braditude” into my life. Next week there’s dramz about Rachel being too skinny, so that should be really good. Visible spinal column y'all!
So, the second model comes out and….everyone loves it (surprise surprise). They all agree that it looks very modern and gorgeous, though I actually thought it looked kind of fugly, like someone stapled your grandmother’s lace tablecloth onto the models back. But whatevs, I guess that’s why I’m not an arthropodian Hollywood stylist.
Anyway, after everyone stops congratulating everybody giving each other reach-arounds, Rachel says that she has a good feeling about the dress, but she will OF COURSE have to see it on Anne, leaving the opportunity for Bravo to craft some made up plot tension, since obviously Anne Hathaway will be wearing the fucking Armani gown after all this commotion.
Later the gang meet to discuss their Oscar game plan. Rachel informs Brad that he will be with Anne all day on Oscar day, meaning he will essentially be handling everything. Rachel assures him it is a big responsibility, and she doesn’t want any fuckups like last year, when Cameron Diaz nearly killed herself and a bus load of blind children because Brad forgot to give her nipple covers to hide her jumblies. So, NO MISTAKES BRAD OR RACHEL WILL EAT YOUR HEAD LIKE THE PRAYING MANTIS SHE IS!
In addition to Anne Hathaway, Team Zoe will also be styling Demi Moore for the Oscar party she is co-hosting with Madonna. What's up with people who aren’t nominated or even associated with the Oscars at all hosting lavish afterparties? It’s like they think by having their name associated with a related event, everyone will just assume they were nominated. It just seems kind of desperate, but whatever. Anyway, after rejecting several perfectly fine dresses, Tay Tay and Rach settle on an oversexed Morticia Adams ensemble.
After some SexyBack-knockoff interstitial music, it’s CHAOS AT THE THOMPSON! Makeup Gay is hurriedly prepping Rachel for the Marc Jacobs show, which she absolutely must be on time for. Apparently, last year she was late and it was the scandal of fashion week. Or at least, was mentioned in passing by a gossip website. We never said modesty was her strong suit. They all hop in an SUV and race across town to the show, arriving in time to see Marc’s bizarre line of psychedelic acid bubbe creations.
With fashion week now officially over, Team Zoe head back to LA. Though they have a lot on their plate for Oscar week, they still have regular styling duties, and today Rachel and Taylor are out doing a “personal shop” for Liv Tyler. Taylor is still upset about the Jennifer Garner InStyle miscommunication, but Rachel essentially tells her to STFU, so she lets it go. With that settled, we’re treated to a hilarious shopping montage of the two getting looks for Liv as Rachel shouts “She will LIV(E). IN. THAT.” after nearly every outfit. Puns!
Later at the studio, Ms. Tyler arrives and is delightfully charming. Apparently Brad has done a lot of styling stuff with her in the past, so they are basically BFF’s now. What proceeds is a ten minute advertisement for Liv Tyler, as she trys on a bunch of looks and Rachel and Brad tell her how faaaaabulous she looks. Rachel relays a funny story about how she and Rodger were watching a movie of Liv’s, and during a scene where Ms. Tyler pulls out a boob (because lobbing out one tit is totally classier than showing the pair), Rodger screamed “GROSS!” and barfed all over the place, since apparently he and Liv are old friends. Anyway, Liv is pleased with the looks assembled, and happily bounds off to cyclops WeHo in her new Marc Jacobs romper.
Back at the Zoe homestead, Rachel tells Rodger that she thinks Brad might have a repeat of last year, and she worries he will fuck things up. Rodger assures her that Brad has done a lot of living and growing since then, so he’ll do fine. It’s not like it’s surgery or anything. Rachel counters that “It is actually surgery!” Apparently Brad will also be removing Ms. Hathaway’s appendix on Oscar day in addition to styling her look.
Across town, Taylor phones Brad in the studio to try and get him to help her style Jen Garner’s shoot. Brad refuses, since he’s too busy with Oscar prep. Taylor interviews that Brad was initially hired to help Taylor, so she doesn’t understand why he isn’t helping her. Except he is, since he is doing all the styling for Anne Hathaway, which Taylor would assumedly be doing instead if he didn’t work there. But who’s keeping track.
Whatever though, Brad has bigger fish to fry since Rachel has just told him that ANNE NEEDS A SECOND GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING LOOK! Apparently in addition to being nominated, she’s also participating in a musical number with Hugh Jackman at the beginning, which means she needs a dress she’ll be able to move in. However, like most things on this ridiculous show, it’s not nearly as big of a problem as they make it out to be, since they find a dress that will work within minutes.
Later, another bomb is dropped: they will only have one hour with Anne to do a fitting. IMPOSSIBLE! It takes years to put dresses on skinny actresses, not one mere hour! He’s not a magician! He phones Rachel, who is typically freaking about the news. Makeup Gay tries to lighten the mood, saying they should just throw some American Apparel leggings on her and call it a day. The two boys then have an impromptu Flashdance party, having a grand old time until Marisa comes in and gives them serious sideye, shitting all over everything as usual. What a bitch.
Anyway, Anne comes over (which we don’t get to see, because she’s an actual celebrity), and both looks looked great on her. They’ve also decided to not use either train on the dress, which I’m sure Armani will be thrilled about. The nerve of dat broad!
Before Rachel leaves, she says she needs to talk to Brad about his attitude. “Brad… you have a Braditude” she says earnestly. “A moody. Snarky. Braditude.” Brad says he didn’t realize he was doing it, but he’ll try to be more upbeat, though he counters that Rachel also has an attitude. Rachel says she is passive aggressive, not snarky. There’s a difference.
Things aren’t all scalding-city for Brad though. Rachel fills him in on the wonderful news that HE. WILL. BE. GOING. TO. THE . OSCARS. WITH. ANNE. HATHAWAY. Apparently he’ll be there to help her change her outfits and make sure there aren’t any wardrobe problems. After Brad finishes crying and regains sanity, they both talk about what a surreal experience this is.
Finally, it’s Oscar day! Except for a fiasco involving nude leotard underwear and Anne Hathaway almost breaking out into a rash, the day goes swimmingly. Rachel says that Annie looked gorgeous and her body was out of control. I’m hoping she means out of control as in had explosive diarrhea and was convulsing all over the place, but I think she means it in a good way (sigh).
The next day all three Zoeians recap the previous day’s events. Brad had a crazy good time backstage at the Oscars, getting to see all of his favorite celebrities including Zac Efron, who he LOVES (which is kind of creepy considering Brad is like 32 and Zac Efron looks 12, but whatever). Since she hates fun and laughter, Taylor scowls and yells from the couch that she would rather shoot herself than go to the Oscars, and this conversation makes her want to slit her wrists. And with that, the episode ends. What a positive way to close things!
So anyway, that was that episode. One of the best, if only because it introduced “Braditude” into my life. Next week there’s dramz about Rachel being too skinny, so that should be really good. Visible spinal column y'all!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Rachel Zoe Recap: The Saddest Fashion Week in American History
It’s fashiooooon weeeeeek everyoooooooooone (said in Oprah voice)!!!!! Rachel tells us that timewise, they’re fucked, since this year fashion week falls days away from the Oscars, which means Team Zoe is up to their Bvlgari-clad ears in work. Brad wonders why they are even going to Fashion Week this year since they have so much to do. Rachel says that since the economy is so bad, it’s her duty to go, because if she didn’t, nobody would. Rachel Zoe single handedly saves the fashion industry! Give this woman a medal.
Mother Zoeresa moves on to discuss the styling of Anne Hathaway for the Oscars. Since her Armani Prive dress from the Globes was such a shut-it-down bananafest, Rachel thinks they shouldn't mess with a good thing. She has another Prive dress in mind, but doesn’t think it has enough pizzazz. Drunk with power from her ability to convince Count von Lagerfeld to stop drinking the blood of Czech twinks long enough to alter last week’s Cameron Diaz gown, Rachel decides to try her luck and ask Mr. Armani himself to add a train to the Oscar dress. Has this woman no limits?!
Meanwhile, Taylor complains that she doesn’t even want to go to New York since she has so much to do back in LA styling for the upcoming InStyle shoot they have with Jennifer Garner. She will soldier on and go though, since the Zoe demands it.
Later, Brad and Taylor go over options for Anne Hathaway in case the Armani dress doesn’t work out. The dresses are pretty, but all too weird or "boobalicious" for such a tasteful day as the Oscars. Brad tries to get Taylor to try on one of the dresses, backhandedly saying she’s having a skinny day. They should just change the name of this show to “The Giving Taylor Body Issues Project.”
On to New York! Rachel and her pet husband Rodger arrive at the fancy shmancy Thompson L.E.S. hotel. She checks in and makes sure the bags have arrived while he gurgles and plays with his bangs. The concierge assures Rachel that all seven (!) of her weirdly saran-wrapped bags have arrived safe and sound and are in her room. Rachel interviews that she always travels with a full wardrobe of clothes since she likes to have options. Always prepared, that one. She must have been a Boy Scout.
Rachel confesses that not unlike a kinkajou monkey impulse-bought by Paris Hilton, Rodger always feels neglected during fashion week. She was hoping that after doing this year after year he’d get used to it, but he’s still a needy nelly. Poor little guy.
Time to prep for the Rag & Bones show! Makeup Gay says she must be going nuts with all the stuff she has to do. She replies that she is indeed going out of her “cuckoo fucking head right now.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.
The hours fly by, and before we know it it’s time for the show. Brad and Rachel hop in their Escalade and head over, while Taylor plays a fiddle for scraps of food on the street. Brad interviews that Fashion Week is like the Olympics, since you have all the big designers vying for a place in the spotlight. He says it’s like watching Kristy Yamaguchi skate. I immediately pictured Diane von Furstenberg and Marc Jacobs doing pairs figure skating and giggled to myself. “MAHK! LEEFT ME! LEEFT ME!”
On the red carpet outside the show, Rachel tells a reporter that she and her clients rock Rag & Bones and love it. Inside, Rachel and Brad watch the different looks strut down the runway and say that they’re all cuckoo bananas, but not right for the Oscars. Afterwards, Rachel poses with the designers and fawns over how great the clothes were while they ignore her for someone more interesting and famous.
Back at the hotel, Taylor is still stressing out over the “Jen Garner” InStyle shoot. She says that she has to put together three looks: a “wet hair” look (huh?), an edgy look, and an androgynous look. Sounds easy enough, though I don’t quite understand why someone needs a couture gown for a wet hair look. Was the idea that it rained on some sort of fabulous parade?
While she’s doing that, Rachel and Brad head over to meet Diane von Furstenberg (DVF as Brad calls her, and “Diahnnn” to Rachel). It must be written in their contracts that Brad and Rachel get to do everything fun while Taylor has to do all the shitty jobs, because that’s how this season is seriously playing out. Anyway, the two meet with DVF, who explains that her new line, dubbed “Nomad,” is intended to be full of real clothes that are like old friends that every woman can enjoy. She proceeds to roll out a series of kinte prints, ridiculous pom pom hats, and gigantic suede coats. Totally real clothes, if you are some sort of fabulous Nepalese Sherpa. On her way out, Rachel tries to steal a necklace but is caught by DVF and made to give it back. Apparently DVF does not offer a five finger discount.
Across town Taylor is grumpily searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. She authoritatively tells people at stores she’s styling a shoot for Jen Garner and needs looks, then proceeds to insult all the options they give her. Of one look, she says that Ms. Garner would look like a “Rushunn Huuucker” in her bizarre accent. Seriously, where is she from? She sounds like a cross between Lauren Conrad and a stroke victim. Then, in case we forgot, she reminds us how much she doesn’t want to be there and would rather be back in LA.
Over in funtown, Rachel is getting dressed up for the Matthew Williamson store opening. She parades around in various looks while Brad, Makeup Gay, and Marc Jacobs' stylebear fiancé Lorenzo tell her how terrible she looks. After about an hour, she finally decides to choose the first look she tried on. *headdesk*
The gang arrives at the party and Rachel poses for paparazzi while voiceovering about how much she hates posing for paparazzi. Inside, she runs into old friend Lindsay Lohan. The two schmooze while the photogs “have a field day” taking pictures of them. LiLo gives a coy little look to nobody in particular and the two head off into another room. Ski trip anyone?
Night turns to dawn, and it’s Valentine’s Day! Rachel coos at her husband in a bizarre baby voice to wake up while he grunts at her and falls back asleep. She says that the holiday always falls during Fashion Week, but this year she really wants to make it a priority to spend at least part of her day with Rodger. He finally wakes up, and the two have a romantic room service breakfast. Rachel tells him she pulled a Richard Gere, so Rodger places some sunflower seeds under her chair to coax out the gerbil. However, she meant that she ordered everything off the menu like in Pretty Woman. Phew!
After their romantic morning, it’s back to work. Rachel and Brad head over to visit “Mr. Armani” to thank him for all the red carpet moments he’s given them and for altering Anne's gown. Brad comments that it’s like going to fashion church. Idolatrous fashionistas! The two arrive at Armani to a dubbed-in heavenly choir. Rachel spews platitudes onto Mr. Armani while he babbles through his daughter/translator about Prive being a geeft he geeves to heemself. After they stop weeping and their hysterical blindness goes away, Brad and Rachel blissfully head back to the hotel.
Back on Misery Lane, Taylor is still searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. Dude, just PICK some already! Is it really that hard to find three dresses for Jennifer Garner to wear in fucking InStyle? Anyway, Taylor goes to a vintage store where she and the owner bitch about how over fashion week they are since it’s not about the clothes anymore. Sigh.
Brad and Rachel go to more shows and have more fun while Taylor is still stomping around New York with steam shooting out of her ears like a foiled Elmer Fudd. She meets up with Makeup Gay for a bitch session. She complains that she’s just so fruuuustraaaaated at where her career with Rachel is at. She was promised growth, and to be able to be involved in Rachel’s upcoming product line, and now it’s looking like the line might not even happen.
Except it is! Accross town, Rachel heads over to a company called Tiger J, which sounds like the name of a gay porn star, but apparently is one of the largest manufacturers of outerwear in the United States. She’s there to discuss a possible partnership with them, and brings Marisa along with her to the meeting. Not Taylor, dirty old MARISA. Tay Tay is gonna be piiiiiiiiissed. Anyway, the folks at Tiger Tyson want to partner with Rachel for a line of faux-fur and leather jackets. This seems oddly fitting, since for some reason Rachel Zoe’s face and fake leather go well together to me.
Back at the hotel, Taylor meets with Rachel to tell her she’s going home. She says she doesn’t want to be at fashion week, and doesn’t even understand why she’s in New York in the first place since she hasn’t been able to go to any shows. Rachel interviews that she thought she was giving Taylor a reward for her hard work by bringing her to NY, but it’s just a mess, and she can’t win. Taylor leaves to pack, and on her way out dramatically shouts that she’s “never coming back to New York ever!” So there!
Before she leaves, however, she’s going to have a night on the town with Brad, Makeup Gay, and Stylebear Jacobs. She tries on various going outfits with Makeup Gay, including a hot pink tube dress she says she bought for court. And by court she means all night coke orgies at MyHouse. Makeup Gay hates most of her outfits, and makes her wear a leopard print sausage casing instead. They meet up with Brad and Stylebear and head over to the party. Brad divas it up for the paparazzi outside before meeting the rest inside, where they all dance like idiots and have a grand old time.
The next morning, Taylor heads back to LA while Brad and Rachel meet with the ladies at Marchesa, who reeeeeeeeally want Rachel to use one of their dresses. Rachel thinks the dresses are gorge, but not for Anne at the Oscars. Sorry ladies!
Upon arriving in California, Taylor resumes her search for looks for the InStyle shoot. She’s well on her way when she gets an e-mail saying that the shoot is actually only going to be from the neck up, so it’s just going to be about hairstyles and jewelry. Needless to say, Taylor is super pissed, and wishes that Rachel had told her this from the get go so she didn't spend the last few days frantically looking for full looks. She says this is a prime example of the miscommunication rampant at Team Zoe.
Back in NYC, a swarm of stern-looking Armani reps arrive at Rachel’s hotel room with the potential modifications for Anne’s dress. They say they have two options for trains. The first one is fitted onto a model they brought with them in a suitcase. Rachel says it’s very pretty, like a fashion fairytale, but it looks like a sea of taffeta and she thinks it will overpower the dress. She shakes her head at the reps and says a firm “no.” Dramatic music plays and the reps continue looking very stern. “To be continued…” flashes across the screen.
It’s a cliffhanger folks! What will happen? Will Rachel use the second look? (Yes.) Will the reps from Armani fly into a limoncello-induced rage and strangle Rachel with their taffeta creation? Only time will tell.
Mother Zoeresa moves on to discuss the styling of Anne Hathaway for the Oscars. Since her Armani Prive dress from the Globes was such a shut-it-down bananafest, Rachel thinks they shouldn't mess with a good thing. She has another Prive dress in mind, but doesn’t think it has enough pizzazz. Drunk with power from her ability to convince Count von Lagerfeld to stop drinking the blood of Czech twinks long enough to alter last week’s Cameron Diaz gown, Rachel decides to try her luck and ask Mr. Armani himself to add a train to the Oscar dress. Has this woman no limits?!
Meanwhile, Taylor complains that she doesn’t even want to go to New York since she has so much to do back in LA styling for the upcoming InStyle shoot they have with Jennifer Garner. She will soldier on and go though, since the Zoe demands it.
Later, Brad and Taylor go over options for Anne Hathaway in case the Armani dress doesn’t work out. The dresses are pretty, but all too weird or "boobalicious" for such a tasteful day as the Oscars. Brad tries to get Taylor to try on one of the dresses, backhandedly saying she’s having a skinny day. They should just change the name of this show to “The Giving Taylor Body Issues Project.”
On to New York! Rachel and her pet husband Rodger arrive at the fancy shmancy Thompson L.E.S. hotel. She checks in and makes sure the bags have arrived while he gurgles and plays with his bangs. The concierge assures Rachel that all seven (!) of her weirdly saran-wrapped bags have arrived safe and sound and are in her room. Rachel interviews that she always travels with a full wardrobe of clothes since she likes to have options. Always prepared, that one. She must have been a Boy Scout.
Rachel confesses that not unlike a kinkajou monkey impulse-bought by Paris Hilton, Rodger always feels neglected during fashion week. She was hoping that after doing this year after year he’d get used to it, but he’s still a needy nelly. Poor little guy.
Time to prep for the Rag & Bones show! Makeup Gay says she must be going nuts with all the stuff she has to do. She replies that she is indeed going out of her “cuckoo fucking head right now.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.
The hours fly by, and before we know it it’s time for the show. Brad and Rachel hop in their Escalade and head over, while Taylor plays a fiddle for scraps of food on the street. Brad interviews that Fashion Week is like the Olympics, since you have all the big designers vying for a place in the spotlight. He says it’s like watching Kristy Yamaguchi skate. I immediately pictured Diane von Furstenberg and Marc Jacobs doing pairs figure skating and giggled to myself. “MAHK! LEEFT ME! LEEFT ME!”
On the red carpet outside the show, Rachel tells a reporter that she and her clients rock Rag & Bones and love it. Inside, Rachel and Brad watch the different looks strut down the runway and say that they’re all cuckoo bananas, but not right for the Oscars. Afterwards, Rachel poses with the designers and fawns over how great the clothes were while they ignore her for someone more interesting and famous.
Back at the hotel, Taylor is still stressing out over the “Jen Garner” InStyle shoot. She says that she has to put together three looks: a “wet hair” look (huh?), an edgy look, and an androgynous look. Sounds easy enough, though I don’t quite understand why someone needs a couture gown for a wet hair look. Was the idea that it rained on some sort of fabulous parade?
While she’s doing that, Rachel and Brad head over to meet Diane von Furstenberg (DVF as Brad calls her, and “Diahnnn” to Rachel). It must be written in their contracts that Brad and Rachel get to do everything fun while Taylor has to do all the shitty jobs, because that’s how this season is seriously playing out. Anyway, the two meet with DVF, who explains that her new line, dubbed “Nomad,” is intended to be full of real clothes that are like old friends that every woman can enjoy. She proceeds to roll out a series of kinte prints, ridiculous pom pom hats, and gigantic suede coats. Totally real clothes, if you are some sort of fabulous Nepalese Sherpa. On her way out, Rachel tries to steal a necklace but is caught by DVF and made to give it back. Apparently DVF does not offer a five finger discount.
Across town Taylor is grumpily searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. She authoritatively tells people at stores she’s styling a shoot for Jen Garner and needs looks, then proceeds to insult all the options they give her. Of one look, she says that Ms. Garner would look like a “Rushunn Huuucker” in her bizarre accent. Seriously, where is she from? She sounds like a cross between Lauren Conrad and a stroke victim. Then, in case we forgot, she reminds us how much she doesn’t want to be there and would rather be back in LA.
Over in funtown, Rachel is getting dressed up for the Matthew Williamson store opening. She parades around in various looks while Brad, Makeup Gay, and Marc Jacobs' stylebear fiancé Lorenzo tell her how terrible she looks. After about an hour, she finally decides to choose the first look she tried on. *headdesk*
The gang arrives at the party and Rachel poses for paparazzi while voiceovering about how much she hates posing for paparazzi. Inside, she runs into old friend Lindsay Lohan. The two schmooze while the photogs “have a field day” taking pictures of them. LiLo gives a coy little look to nobody in particular and the two head off into another room. Ski trip anyone?
Night turns to dawn, and it’s Valentine’s Day! Rachel coos at her husband in a bizarre baby voice to wake up while he grunts at her and falls back asleep. She says that the holiday always falls during Fashion Week, but this year she really wants to make it a priority to spend at least part of her day with Rodger. He finally wakes up, and the two have a romantic room service breakfast. Rachel tells him she pulled a Richard Gere, so Rodger places some sunflower seeds under her chair to coax out the gerbil. However, she meant that she ordered everything off the menu like in Pretty Woman. Phew!
After their romantic morning, it’s back to work. Rachel and Brad head over to visit “Mr. Armani” to thank him for all the red carpet moments he’s given them and for altering Anne's gown. Brad comments that it’s like going to fashion church. Idolatrous fashionistas! The two arrive at Armani to a dubbed-in heavenly choir. Rachel spews platitudes onto Mr. Armani while he babbles through his daughter/translator about Prive being a geeft he geeves to heemself. After they stop weeping and their hysterical blindness goes away, Brad and Rachel blissfully head back to the hotel.
Back on Misery Lane, Taylor is still searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. Dude, just PICK some already! Is it really that hard to find three dresses for Jennifer Garner to wear in fucking InStyle? Anyway, Taylor goes to a vintage store where she and the owner bitch about how over fashion week they are since it’s not about the clothes anymore. Sigh.
Brad and Rachel go to more shows and have more fun while Taylor is still stomping around New York with steam shooting out of her ears like a foiled Elmer Fudd. She meets up with Makeup Gay for a bitch session. She complains that she’s just so fruuuustraaaaated at where her career with Rachel is at. She was promised growth, and to be able to be involved in Rachel’s upcoming product line, and now it’s looking like the line might not even happen.
Except it is! Accross town, Rachel heads over to a company called Tiger J, which sounds like the name of a gay porn star, but apparently is one of the largest manufacturers of outerwear in the United States. She’s there to discuss a possible partnership with them, and brings Marisa along with her to the meeting. Not Taylor, dirty old MARISA. Tay Tay is gonna be piiiiiiiiissed. Anyway, the folks at Tiger Tyson want to partner with Rachel for a line of faux-fur and leather jackets. This seems oddly fitting, since for some reason Rachel Zoe’s face and fake leather go well together to me.
Back at the hotel, Taylor meets with Rachel to tell her she’s going home. She says she doesn’t want to be at fashion week, and doesn’t even understand why she’s in New York in the first place since she hasn’t been able to go to any shows. Rachel interviews that she thought she was giving Taylor a reward for her hard work by bringing her to NY, but it’s just a mess, and she can’t win. Taylor leaves to pack, and on her way out dramatically shouts that she’s “never coming back to New York ever!” So there!
Before she leaves, however, she’s going to have a night on the town with Brad, Makeup Gay, and Stylebear Jacobs. She tries on various going outfits with Makeup Gay, including a hot pink tube dress she says she bought for court. And by court she means all night coke orgies at MyHouse. Makeup Gay hates most of her outfits, and makes her wear a leopard print sausage casing instead. They meet up with Brad and Stylebear and head over to the party. Brad divas it up for the paparazzi outside before meeting the rest inside, where they all dance like idiots and have a grand old time.
The next morning, Taylor heads back to LA while Brad and Rachel meet with the ladies at Marchesa, who reeeeeeeeally want Rachel to use one of their dresses. Rachel thinks the dresses are gorge, but not for Anne at the Oscars. Sorry ladies!
Upon arriving in California, Taylor resumes her search for looks for the InStyle shoot. She’s well on her way when she gets an e-mail saying that the shoot is actually only going to be from the neck up, so it’s just going to be about hairstyles and jewelry. Needless to say, Taylor is super pissed, and wishes that Rachel had told her this from the get go so she didn't spend the last few days frantically looking for full looks. She says this is a prime example of the miscommunication rampant at Team Zoe.
Back in NYC, a swarm of stern-looking Armani reps arrive at Rachel’s hotel room with the potential modifications for Anne’s dress. They say they have two options for trains. The first one is fitted onto a model they brought with them in a suitcase. Rachel says it’s very pretty, like a fashion fairytale, but it looks like a sea of taffeta and she thinks it will overpower the dress. She shakes her head at the reps and says a firm “no.” Dramatic music plays and the reps continue looking very stern. “To be continued…” flashes across the screen.
It’s a cliffhanger folks! What will happen? Will Rachel use the second look? (Yes.) Will the reps from Armani fly into a limoncello-induced rage and strangle Rachel with their taffeta creation? Only time will tell.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Rachel Zoe Recap: Annie shuts that shit down.
Rachel Zoe returns and we go BA-NANAS.
The second season opener begins in media res as Rachel stresses over an offending puddle of camouflage tulle on the floor. Through editing we’re filled in on the events that have transpired since we last saw the Zoe Camp. Since last year, the mantid fashionista moved her business into a suspiciously recession-sized smaller “loft,” and she and her foppish dandy of a husband into a similarly in-this-economy-sized apartment. So long fabulous WeHo hills house! Associates Brad and Taylor are also no longer fighting like cats in an LV tote, and are now the best of friends. For now.
After our quick refresher, the episode commences in earnest. It’s Golden Globes season, which means the Zoe Camp is going ba-nanas. Taylor angrily over enunciates to the camera about how many hats she wears and how she’s the one who makes sure things get done, while Brad puts on a sparkly fairy dress and imitates Rachel. Both are highly important tasks.
Rachel calls for a team meeting in the fetid Zoe shanty. She lets Brad and Taylor know that in order to free up space during awards season they’ll have to move their desks to the loft area with leper assistant Marisa. Both let out long-winded whines that essentially boil down to “But I don’t wannaaaaa!” After much bellyaching, Rachel informs them that she has become a “bizznatch” this week, and they will in fact be moving upstairs with Typhoid Marisa. No offense.
Back to the Globes! This year Rachel will be styling Debra Messing, Demi Moore, Anne Hathaway, Eva Mendez, and Cameron Diaz. Or, as Rachel refers to them, Deb, Demi, Annie, Eva, and Cam.
Now that the clients are set, it’s time for a dress selection montage. All the samples they’ve been given are “snoozaroo,” Eva’s Dior dress was sent to Chanel (!), and Debra’s is M.I.A!
We learn that things this year are bad. Apparently in this economy designers will not overnight FedEx couture ball gowns halfway across the world without a guarantee they’ll be worn. And you thought the auto industry had it bad. But the Zoe Camp will press on! Award shows are about pleasing the masses and they must do their civic duty!
Rachel tells us about a pink Chanel couture gown she saw in Paris which she absolutely died for. Everyone agrees it’ll be perfect for Cameron, and Rach thinks she can get it. However, she’s worried that the American public can’t comprehend that there is a sleeve on the dress, which means she’ll have to ask Karl Lagerfeld for alterations. Scary!
Meanwhile, Brad and Taylor are still upset about being put in the loft, so they decide to play a hilarious prank on Rachel wherein they move their desks back downstairs. Rachel returns and is predictably annoyed. Taylor whines that it’s too hot up in the loft and that they don’t want to be up there with stinky disease ridden slob Marisa. Marisa is nonplussed by this statement.
We’re then reminded for the hundredth time that it’s Golden Globes week and Rachel needs gowns, in case we all forgot. Thankfully a new shipment has arrived. Rachel says that if she doesn’t see the white of Eva’s dress pop out of one of the garment bags, she will literally jump out the window. The dress is pink. Rachel goes barreling towards the window and leaps through the glass, a whirling dervish of extensions and baubles. Thankfully, she survives the fall and resumes command of Team Zoe.
Brad remarks that gowns and accessories are to Rachel the way medicine and surgical tools are to a doctor. So in a way, Rachel is just like a surgeon, if not more important, because scalpels are ugly and beading is pretty.
On to Anne Hathaway: Rachel settles on a blue Armani Prive creation. She summons clothes hanger/intern Jordan to try the dress on, since Taylor’s breasts are too huge to squeeze into the Lilliputian gown. Taylor sneers. Brad says that trying on fancy ball gowns is the dream of every girl, as well as some boys (read: him). Rachel decides that this dress is in the one, since there’s never been a “big navy moment” on the red carpet, so Anne will shut it down. Except Debra will also be wearing navy. So never mind.
Back at her pity party of one, Taylor complains that her career with Rachel is at a standstill. You see, when she started she was promised growth potential, and now three years later she is still doing the same job. I smell a plot arc!
Back at the studio, word has come from Paris! Karl Lagerfeld has descended from his black and white death palace to proclaim that he will remove the sleeves. Now the American public will be able to wrap their puny minds around his couture creation. Everyone lauds Rachel for her balls and moxie. But! Chanel says that they don’t know when they will be able to deliver the dress. Rachel worries that it won’t arrive in time for the awards and her prestigious name will be dragged through the mud. Brad counters by doing a non-sequitor impression of Taylor. Touché.
Later, Taylor rides in holding the missing Dior gown for Eva, and everyone proclaims that she is a rock star. Then everyone calls her fat.
OMG one day left to the Globes! Time to start putting together the full looks. Brad and Rachel go skipping to Rodeo Drive for jewelry while Taylor shuffles off to buy shoes.
Rachel tells us that Debra’s outfit cries out for gigantic emeralds, Eva’s dress screams “I NEED TURQUOISE,” Annie will shine in diamonds, and Cameron aches for opals. Rachel is the gemstone whisperer.
At the loft, Cameron’s dress has arrived from Chanel! Everyone is exuberant, but will it fit? Yes, it will! The sleeve is gone, and America’s collective heads will no longer explode upon tuning in to the red carpet.
Now it’s time for the fittings, which unfortunately we don’t get to see as no A-list star in their right mind would allow a Bravo film crew in their homes, jerks. All go swimmingly, but as they head home Team Zoe gets a call that there is a black spot on Eva’s white dress! After everyone finishes shrieking and crying, Taylor is sent over to fix the dot, which turns out to be the size of a pencil tip rather than a black hole. Crisis averted! With the fire at Eva’s put out, Taylor grumpily pouts that she will go home, to hell with the team’s traditional red carpet viewing party.
Brad and Rachel soldier on to coo and squawk while they watch their creations strut down the carpet. “Demi is beyond!” “Deb is like a tall drink of water!” “Eva is a Rachel Zoe special!” “Annie is shutting it down!” Rachel remarks that for Cameron, she feels like she conceived, gestated, and birthed this look. Gross.
Everyone’s Blackberries are abuzz with kudos, but they are bittersweet since Taylor wasn’t there to enjoy their success with them. Rachel’s spirits are cheered slightly when a hand written note from Karl Lagerfeld himself arrives congratulating her. She commands Quasimarisa to frame the note and put it on her wall. She has graduated from the school of Chanel!
And so episode one ends on a high note. The previews promise lots more laughter, tears, fighting, Taylor scowls, and ball gowns. Lets hope they deliver.
The second season opener begins in media res as Rachel stresses over an offending puddle of camouflage tulle on the floor. Through editing we’re filled in on the events that have transpired since we last saw the Zoe Camp. Since last year, the mantid fashionista moved her business into a suspiciously recession-sized smaller “loft,” and she and her foppish dandy of a husband into a similarly in-this-economy-sized apartment. So long fabulous WeHo hills house! Associates Brad and Taylor are also no longer fighting like cats in an LV tote, and are now the best of friends. For now.
After our quick refresher, the episode commences in earnest. It’s Golden Globes season, which means the Zoe Camp is going ba-nanas. Taylor angrily over enunciates to the camera about how many hats she wears and how she’s the one who makes sure things get done, while Brad puts on a sparkly fairy dress and imitates Rachel. Both are highly important tasks.
Rachel calls for a team meeting in the fetid Zoe shanty. She lets Brad and Taylor know that in order to free up space during awards season they’ll have to move their desks to the loft area with leper assistant Marisa. Both let out long-winded whines that essentially boil down to “But I don’t wannaaaaa!” After much bellyaching, Rachel informs them that she has become a “bizznatch” this week, and they will in fact be moving upstairs with Typhoid Marisa. No offense.
Back to the Globes! This year Rachel will be styling Debra Messing, Demi Moore, Anne Hathaway, Eva Mendez, and Cameron Diaz. Or, as Rachel refers to them, Deb, Demi, Annie, Eva, and Cam.
Now that the clients are set, it’s time for a dress selection montage. All the samples they’ve been given are “snoozaroo,” Eva’s Dior dress was sent to Chanel (!), and Debra’s is M.I.A!
We learn that things this year are bad. Apparently in this economy designers will not overnight FedEx couture ball gowns halfway across the world without a guarantee they’ll be worn. And you thought the auto industry had it bad. But the Zoe Camp will press on! Award shows are about pleasing the masses and they must do their civic duty!
Rachel tells us about a pink Chanel couture gown she saw in Paris which she absolutely died for. Everyone agrees it’ll be perfect for Cameron, and Rach thinks she can get it. However, she’s worried that the American public can’t comprehend that there is a sleeve on the dress, which means she’ll have to ask Karl Lagerfeld for alterations. Scary!
Meanwhile, Brad and Taylor are still upset about being put in the loft, so they decide to play a hilarious prank on Rachel wherein they move their desks back downstairs. Rachel returns and is predictably annoyed. Taylor whines that it’s too hot up in the loft and that they don’t want to be up there with stinky disease ridden slob Marisa. Marisa is nonplussed by this statement.
We’re then reminded for the hundredth time that it’s Golden Globes week and Rachel needs gowns, in case we all forgot. Thankfully a new shipment has arrived. Rachel says that if she doesn’t see the white of Eva’s dress pop out of one of the garment bags, she will literally jump out the window. The dress is pink. Rachel goes barreling towards the window and leaps through the glass, a whirling dervish of extensions and baubles. Thankfully, she survives the fall and resumes command of Team Zoe.
Brad remarks that gowns and accessories are to Rachel the way medicine and surgical tools are to a doctor. So in a way, Rachel is just like a surgeon, if not more important, because scalpels are ugly and beading is pretty.
On to Anne Hathaway: Rachel settles on a blue Armani Prive creation. She summons clothes hanger/intern Jordan to try the dress on, since Taylor’s breasts are too huge to squeeze into the Lilliputian gown. Taylor sneers. Brad says that trying on fancy ball gowns is the dream of every girl, as well as some boys (read: him). Rachel decides that this dress is in the one, since there’s never been a “big navy moment” on the red carpet, so Anne will shut it down. Except Debra will also be wearing navy. So never mind.
Back at her pity party of one, Taylor complains that her career with Rachel is at a standstill. You see, when she started she was promised growth potential, and now three years later she is still doing the same job. I smell a plot arc!
Back at the studio, word has come from Paris! Karl Lagerfeld has descended from his black and white death palace to proclaim that he will remove the sleeves. Now the American public will be able to wrap their puny minds around his couture creation. Everyone lauds Rachel for her balls and moxie. But! Chanel says that they don’t know when they will be able to deliver the dress. Rachel worries that it won’t arrive in time for the awards and her prestigious name will be dragged through the mud. Brad counters by doing a non-sequitor impression of Taylor. Touché.
Later, Taylor rides in holding the missing Dior gown for Eva, and everyone proclaims that she is a rock star. Then everyone calls her fat.
OMG one day left to the Globes! Time to start putting together the full looks. Brad and Rachel go skipping to Rodeo Drive for jewelry while Taylor shuffles off to buy shoes.
Rachel tells us that Debra’s outfit cries out for gigantic emeralds, Eva’s dress screams “I NEED TURQUOISE,” Annie will shine in diamonds, and Cameron aches for opals. Rachel is the gemstone whisperer.
At the loft, Cameron’s dress has arrived from Chanel! Everyone is exuberant, but will it fit? Yes, it will! The sleeve is gone, and America’s collective heads will no longer explode upon tuning in to the red carpet.
Now it’s time for the fittings, which unfortunately we don’t get to see as no A-list star in their right mind would allow a Bravo film crew in their homes, jerks. All go swimmingly, but as they head home Team Zoe gets a call that there is a black spot on Eva’s white dress! After everyone finishes shrieking and crying, Taylor is sent over to fix the dot, which turns out to be the size of a pencil tip rather than a black hole. Crisis averted! With the fire at Eva’s put out, Taylor grumpily pouts that she will go home, to hell with the team’s traditional red carpet viewing party.
Brad and Rachel soldier on to coo and squawk while they watch their creations strut down the carpet. “Demi is beyond!” “Deb is like a tall drink of water!” “Eva is a Rachel Zoe special!” “Annie is shutting it down!” Rachel remarks that for Cameron, she feels like she conceived, gestated, and birthed this look. Gross.
Everyone’s Blackberries are abuzz with kudos, but they are bittersweet since Taylor wasn’t there to enjoy their success with them. Rachel’s spirits are cheered slightly when a hand written note from Karl Lagerfeld himself arrives congratulating her. She commands Quasimarisa to frame the note and put it on her wall. She has graduated from the school of Chanel!
And so episode one ends on a high note. The previews promise lots more laughter, tears, fighting, Taylor scowls, and ball gowns. Lets hope they deliver.
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