Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Closed, broken, and independent pocketbooks.

First off, sorry for skipping a week of RHOA recaps. Between a pickup at work and my vibrant social life, I couldn’t find the time to recap last week’s antics. All you need to know is that Kim recorded the chorus for TFTP after a lot of complaining, they unveiled the alter ego pictures (all surprisingly good), and Kim fell down at the unveiling and acted like a big baby. There, all up to speed.

This week things came to a head, both figuratively as a fight between Kim and NeNe, and literally as a gigantic portrait of Sheree’s head. But more on those two topics later.

The episode opens with a bikini-clad Kim and her porcine friend Cori lounging by the pool. Did anyone notice Kim’s 80’s titty tan? You know, the kind where a woman’s boobs are completely brown except for a triangle around the nipple where her bikini was. Anyway, they talk about Kim’s wild and wooly relationship with Big Papsmear. They had ended their relationship over a nebulous “betrayal,” but apparently the two are at a better place thanks to an impromptu trip to the Bahamas. Now Kim is conflicted about what she wants, saying she’s at a crossroads. She wants a commitment and a ring, but being as it’s been 3 years and he still hasn’t divorced his wife, I don’t see that happening any time soon. Face it Kim, you’re just a sideline ho. Enjoy it! Relish it! You get cars and jewelry from it, don't you?

We move on to Sheree, who is checking out venues for her independence party with her “friend.” (Here I use “friend” the way my mom uses “friend” when she is talking about my boyfriend to old people.) Am I the only one getting a serious lesbian vibe from Sheree and her short-haired former military BFF? Something about the looks they give each other just tips me off a little bit. But, I could also be getting the dykey vibes from the fact that Sheree’s party will be women-only, and she is really excited by the fact that there’s a stripper pole at the club. Either way, Sheree likes the venue for her Sapphic orgy, and agrees to hold the party there.

On to the THEATAAAH, where Kandi and Lisa are rehearsing for their upcoming performances in The Pocketbook Monologues, which would be better titled as The Copyright Infringement Monologues, since it looks like the creator lady just copied The Vagina Monologues and replaced “vagina” with “pocketbook.” Also, this is kind of a creepy euphemism for vaginas, since it makes me picture a woman storing money, credit cards, and other valuables in her vagina like a kangaroo. So yeah, playtitlefail.

Anyway, first up is Lisa, who will be doing a monologue entitled “A Closed Pocketbook,” (LOL) since she is too classy to actually have a slutty piece. Hers is about falling in love with a guy in prison, or something. I thought she did a good job but the director begs to differ, which Lisa doesn’t take too well. Lisa also says “twat” at some point during this scene, which made me giggle.

Next up is Kandi, who has a very serious and dramatic scene about an HIV positive prostitute who was raped by her father and now purposely infects her johns. Sad stuff, although it’s hilariously titled “A Broken Pocketbook.” Apparently the insinuation is that HIV positive women have broken cooters. Anyway, everyone raves about Kandi’s performance, though I thought she overacted and it came off a little too “the talented girl in high school doing a dramatic read” for me, but whatever. Drama critic I am not.

Over at the Leakes household, NeNe meets with her ghostwriter from “a major publishing house” to discuss her memoir. She recounts her childhood growing up in Athens, Georgia, and how far she has come. She also brings up the whole Curtis drama from last season. She tells the ghostwriter she wants it to be a juicy book, because there’s nothing NeNe hates worse than a boring memoir. The writer says she doesn’t see how it’d be possible for NeNe to make a boring memoir, based on all the salacious shit in her life. I for one can’t wait for this book to come out.

Back to Sheree, who visits some pan-European painter named Rossin to get her portrait done for her independence party. Because that’s what every party needs, a gigantic portrait of the host. Rossin takes a few photos of Sheree, commanding her to “think Nefertiti 21st century,” which Sheree does…kinda? Anyway, the photos are snapped, and Sheree is sent on her merry way.

Across town Kim looks at expensive jewelry and talks about how Big Papa will buy them for her. Yawn.

Later that week, it’s time for “Talkin’ ‘Bout Snatches,” and the ladies will be performing to a packed house! Lisa is nervous, but does a great job with her monologue, and is very proud. Kandi drags her broken pocketbook onto the stage and does a good job as well, eliciting a standing ovation, which I think was a little much. Oh! And Dwight was there, looking weird and Muppety.

Over at Kim’s house, he is chastising her horrible daughter Ariana for trying to sneak cupcakes. “NO CUPCAKES AT THIS HOUR!” Kim commands, since if she eats this late she will turn into a Gremlin. Horrible Ariana succeeds in her fiendish quest for cupcakes, and all of Atlanta trembles at the impending Gremlin havoc that is about to be wreaked.

But before the Gremlin holocaust, it’s time for Sheree’s INDEPENDENCE PARTYYYYYYYY! Kim arrives on crutches, even though for this whole episode she’s been walking around on her feet just fine. Ugh. There are also numerous gays in heels, making me suspect that this is a rising trend among Atlanta’s gay elite. Heels and tight jeans. It’s a look.

NeNe confronts Kim about the song, and tells her that she’s fine with Kim recording it on her own, but personally she thinks that Kim won’t be able to sell the song without her. This starts a slow-boiling fight that culminates in NeNe calling Kim a dirty person and Kim saying NeNe is evil. So much for their reconciliation.

Sheree commands everyone to refocus on her, since it’s supposed to be her night. After a really fake-seeming speech about how she totally loves all you guys, she unveils the portrait Rossin did, which is actually pretty good. Everyone claps and then Sheree’s gay hairdresser brings out a dollar bill-clad female stripper to work the pole. Something tells me that this is the only pole-working Sheree has seen in a while, if you know what I mean. She prefers the hole. I’m talkin’ bout lesbians.

Anyway, after the stripper interludes, the Tardy for the Party fight continues, this time between NeNe and Kandi, although I can’t quite figure out why those two were fighting. Maybe because Kandi isn’t taking sides? I don’t know. Sheree’s scissor buddy interviews that she thought it was classless for the ladies to fight during Sheree’s special day, but Ms. Whitfield says it didn’t bother her, and she thought the party was a smashing success.

Then, as everyone exits the party, one woman screams “OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?!” All the ladies turn, but it’s too late. An army of fake Baby Chanel-clad Gremlins descends upon the partygoers, devouring them all until nothing is left but some mangled Jimmy Choos and a blood soaked portrait. The horror. Oh the horror.

Rachel Zoe Recap: Rachel dies, literally.

Everything’s coming up Zoe this week! Endorsements! Cartoon appearances! Photoshoots! Illnesses!

It looks like Rachel will finally get to put her acting chops to work: this week she receives a call from noted cougar enthusiast Ashton Kutcher asking her to appear in an episode of his retardedly-titled web series “the Blah Girls.” Jumping at the opportunity to pretend that she is friends with the celebrities she styles, she agrees and heads across town to meet with the Douche Prince.

Ashton tells Rachel that in the “episode,” she will be styling the Blah Girls for their prom. Rachel takes this opportunity to boast that she went to six proms. What a floozy. She likes the idea, but says she also wants make over all the girls and edge them out a little bit, which makes me think that she may not realize that these are cartoons and not in fact real girls. Also, I really want to be able to say “we just need to edge it out a little bit” in my daily life. New goal of this week is to work it into conversation somewhere.

“Noah, have you taken a look at the new marketing brochures?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you think?”
“They’re cool, but I just think we need to edge them out a little bit. Maybe give them a faux-fur vest and some sequins or something.”
“You’re fired.”

Anyway, they commence filming a couple scenes and it quickly becomes clear that Rachel cannot act. Like, at all. She also says that she can't read the script. Guys, is RZ illiterate? I've never seen her read or write anything. Conspiracy theory! Call the Truthers! Also hilarious, Rachel has to react to a cartoon that's not there, Jurassic Park style. Since she has no imagination at all, she fails at this too. Someone better introduce that bitch to Figment. Also, for some reason in my notes for this episode I wrote "inexplicable woozy" during this section, but I was drunk so I have no idea now what it referred to. Just thought I'd add that.

Anyway, we cut accross town breifly to Taylor doing a styling job by herself...again. And she complains about how she doesnt want to this...again. And how she's not focusing on her career...again. At this point they could just replace her with a VHS tape of her on a loop and it would serve the same purpose. Actually, that's a good idea. It'd be very high-art.

So that happens, and we head back over to Trainwreck Studios to watch Rachel make a fool of herself. Now she's doing voiceovers, which like her acting abilities, also sucks. The producer of the program winds up having to feed her lines, and it is clear that he hates his job/life. After a while though, Rachel gets into the swing of things and actually starts doing half-decent. She even improvs some parts! Watch out, Groundlings!

Rachel leaves Metro Goldwyn Douchebag studios and heads over to the Glamour shoot, where she is met by Jordan, Taylor, as well as Makeup Gay and Hair Gay. If Brad were there, then all Rachel's gays could cry "UNITE!" and turn into their giant, fabulous, gay Voltron robot. But alas, he was not, so they don't.

Since this shoot is based on reader questions, Rachel says that she is planning on styling for the everygirl. She then proceeds to dress the models in oversized fake-sheepskin vests and insectoid sunglasses. Everygirl indeed.

Rachel quickly takes over the entire shoot, much to the dismay of the photographer, creative director, and Glamour editor there. She also tells the black model that her hair is too "curly curly" and that they should smoooth it out a little bit, causing America to cringe so hard you can practically hear it.

Since she isn't able to be much help to Rachpoleon, Taylor goes outside to call Brad, who is adorably taking his elder dog (IT HAS A PACEMAKER, GUYS!) to the groomers. Taylor thinks this is outrageous, but that's just because she traded her heart away when she was 15 for a Baby-G watch and a pair of Sketchers. No, they were cool then!

The next day at the studio, Marisa arrives with Rachel's Blah Girls episode, hot off the douche presses. It looks really low budget, and is painfully unfunny. It also includes a gag with a girl literally giving birth to a cow (have a cow, get it?) that I am ashamed to say took me 15 minutes to get. I just thought it was some non-sequitor Family Guy shit. Apparently Ashton Kutcher is too smart for me.

After they finish watching the video, Ashton and Demi call (how convenient) from Atlanta. Rachel gushes about how she loooooooved it and how it looked so goooooood. Brad asks, totally unprompted by the Bravo producers standing around them, whether they've seen any of the ATL housewives while they were there. They haven't.

Accross town, Taylor meets with a friend of hers whose name I forget to ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN talk about how she isn't satisfied with her job. Is this bullshit going to last all season? Just QUIT already! Her beast of a friend asks whether she is happy, and Taylor says she isn't, and wants to style big corporate accounts, like Dodge (WTF?).

Taylor heads over to the studio to meet with Rach and finally talk about how she isn't happy. However, Rachel is inexplicably too "sick" and nauseous to even sit up. Taylor reacts so calmly and with such speed that it seems like she's done this before. Now I'm not saying Rachel does drugs or anything, but didn't this scene seem like a bad trip, say on something like Mexican diet pills? Just sayin'.

Rachel lays on the couch and moans while Brad and Taylor make fun of her. Brad offers her a clutch to barf in and says she looks fashionably nauseous. They offer to take her to the hospital, but she refuses (DIET PILL OVERDOSE), so they drive her home and call Rodger, who also acts like this situation is strangely familiar.

When they arrive, Taylor calls the Drug Overdose Hotline, ahem, I mean the "advice nurse," who says that Rachel just needs to lay down and ride it out. When asked what she thinks made her sick, Rachel cryptically says "my world is making me sick."

As Rachel lays on her deathbed, she and Taylor have a heart to heart. Taylor begs her not to die (I am not joking), and Rachel weakly tells Taylor that she is her "blessed jewel" like some sort of expiring family matriarch. Then Bravo rolls a big "To be continued..." as if they actually can make us think that Rachel might die in the next episode. How dumb do they think I am? Well actually, dumb enough to not get a joke in Blah Girls, so yeah...

Rachel Zoe Recap: The press are like, so mean.

The world is a harsh, cold, spiteful place. People just want to build you up so they can tear you down. Where is the decency?! Where is the love?! All questions are asked this week.

The episode starts off on a good note as the Zoe Camp bask in the post-Oscar praise for Anne Hathaway. All the mags gave her A+ ratings, and Rachel is feeling good until she discovers a negative blurb from the New York Post wherein she is called “pin thin” and it is claimed that she freaked out at an Oscar party.

Blowing this tiny, slightly-mean blurb astronomically out of proportion, Rachel goes into a tirade about how unfair the press is to her, and how she hates all of them, and why don’t they just LEAVE RACHEL ALONE! To me this seems like a subtle brag, like “ughh, people are so obsessed with me, it’s TERRIBLE,” even though you know she secretly loves that her name is on everybody’s lips.

Rachel somehow manages to pull herself together enough to plan the party she is hosting for her friends Byron and Tracy’s eponymous salon. They go over the gigantic guest list, and Rachel takes another opportunity to complain about her difficult life when the topic of the media is raised. She says that she may not talk to some media outlets, since most are not too kind to her. Boo hoo cry me a river.

Over at the Zoe studio, Brad and Taylor are making cute banter about what they’ll wear to the salon opening. Taylor says Brad should wear something slutty, since they’ll be going out. Brad says he doesn’t do slutty, which is unfortunate, because I would love to see what Brad’s version of slutty is. I’m picturing knee socks, short shorts, and an oversized lollipop. Taylor says that they’ll be going out and getting sloppy afterwards, and Brad asks whether this means he’ll have to pick up all the things she drops and carry her around like last time, which I would have loved to see.

Later, Rachel gets a call from her publicist or somebody telling her that Marie Claire wants her to do a recession-appropriate “style on a budget” feature for them. Rachel is tres enthusiastic until she learns that they want her to be the model. Letting loose another brag-disguised-as-complaint, Rachel whines that she simply haaaates modeling and doesn’t know how she’ll EVER manage to do this shoot. Whatever, you know when she’s all alone she smizes and model-hunches in front of the mirror for hours. She apparently even tried her hand at modeling when she was young, but sucked at it, so she became a stylist. Anyway, she “reluctantly” agrees to do the shoot.

The next morning, Rachel is still complaining about her negative press. Rodger tells her she looks purdy before nearly burning down the house making breakfast. Despite this, his mongoloid grunts are somehow comforting to her, and she feels a little better.

After politely eating the surely horrible breakfast Rodger prepared for her, Rachel heads over to the Marie Claire shoot with team of gays in tow, since she craves sycophantic validation. Upon arriving, they all have a pow wow about Rachel’s look. Hairgay says that Rachel should wear her hair up in one of the shots, but Rachel doesn’t want to, since big billowy hair gives her power. Brad asks whether she’ll let him style her or not for the shoot to which she replies “unclear.” Apparently she’s turned into a Magic 8 Ball. Brad also tries his best to style her, but she keeps ignoring his picks in favor of slouchy sequined vests and oversized floral muumuus. When will they ever give Brad a chance to SHINE?

Back at the studio, Taylor complains about something or other as usual. This time she’s upset that she’s stuck doing all the post-Oscar dress returning and stuff while Fancypants Brad gets to go off and play with Rachel at the Marie Claire shoot. Basically, Taylor complains about some sort of permutation of “my work is boring and Brad is incompetent” in every episode. Homegirl needs to find herself a new job!

Across town, Rodger meets with a web consultant at Toast to discuss bringing the Zoe brand to the web. He says that the best way to combat Rachel’s bad press is to create an online presence where she can respond. Then he spits up on himself a little bit before passing out in the chair while the consultant softly burps him.

Things are going full force at the shoot. Rachel poses awkwardly in a series of outfits while her mob of gay monkeys hoot and holler at her from the sidelines. Rachel, echoing the sentiment of every chubby Midwestern girl who watched Will and Grace and once knew one gay person in high school, interviews that there’s nothing like a team of gay men to make a woman feel great.

Later, Brad does his one millionth Taylor impression, which Makeup Gay takes a picture of and sends to her, causing Taylor's head to fly off with a cartoon “boi-oi-oi-oi-oing” sound effect.

Anyway, the shoot wraps up, and everyone fellates Rachel’s ego and tells her how good she did and blah blah yadda yadda. Also, she totes wound up wearing the muumuu.

After a useless interlude where some retarded model comes to the studio and puts on a pretty dress, Taylor tells Brad that she will not be attending the party because she’s too tiiiiired. Brad interviews that this is all kinds of lame, since going to the events is part of their job description. He tells Taylor that it’s things like this that make everyone call her “Bailer,” which she says is “so fucking rude!” before storming out.

Meanwhile, Rachel and Makeup Gay are getting ready for the event. She is still complaining about her bad press, and it becomes clear that girl’s obviously very damaged and can’t handle any sort of criticism. One of them mentions how her “heart is too big,” and I barf all over myself. They move on to talk about how lame it is that Taylor is bailing. Drama!

At the studio, Taylor gives an oddly humanizing interview where she says that the reason she isn’t going to the party is because she’s socially awkward and doesn’t like being around strangers. In a brilliant piece of editing, the camera cuts to her wistfully zipping up her going out dress in a garment bag. Then a sad clown playing a violin walks out, a single tear falling from his expressive eye.

Back at Rachel’s house, everyone is freaking out over what she’ll wear. Since she’s been getting so much flack for being too skinny, it’s decided that Rachel shouldn’t wear anything too ribcagey or spine revealing. Trouble is, everything she owns is ribcagey or spine revealing. After much drama and complaining she settles on a hideous purple sequined nightmare and they all head to the party.

Rachel soon forgets her rib-n-spine woes and everyone has a great time. Brad hams it up for the cameras and he and Rachel talk about how Taylor should have come. Later, Rachel runs into old rival Nicole Richie. She claims that the two have made up and were chatting like two schoolgirls but from the looks of things it seemed like Rachel mainly talked at Nicole while she looked annoyed. The two did pose for paparazzi pics though, so I guess that's something.

The episode ends on a happy little button as Rachel and Rodger look at her shoot in the new issue of Marie Claire. Rachel says she’s happy about how the shoot turned out and Rodger says “Pretty lady!” before whacking her over the head with a club and dragging her off into the bedroom. Ah, love…

True Blood Recap: Maryann loves to bone cattle.

After a 2 goddamn week hiatus, things finally come to a head in Bon Temps. We pick up where we left off, with Tara and Eggs frantically making a nest for the giant egg in Sookie’s bed. Sookie tries to talk some sense into everyone, but zombie Lafayette interrupts her and commands her to get naked and put on a toga. Why do I get the feeling this isn’t the first time Lafayette has told somebody to do this?

Sookie is led downstairs where she sees Maryann in, horror of horrors, GRAN’S WEDDING DRESS! Grannie Stackhouse certainly was svelte in her marryin’ years. Maryann says that Sookie clearly isn't human, since her weird vibrofreak powers don’t work on her, so she asks her again what she is. Sookie awesomely replies “I’m a waitress. What the fuck are you?” I’m liking this new assertive, non-getting-captured-and-screaming version of Sookie. Let’s hope it sticks.

Over at the Fortenberry household, Hoyt is still trying to keep his mama from getting loose, employing a series of trip wires and booby traps to keep her from escaping like a more sinister version of Mousetrap.

Back at the wedding chapel from hell, Maryann exposits to Sookie (and by proxy to us) that tonight she is planning on marrying the bull-headed god so she can get her supernatural bestial freak on. But! In order to do so she needs to offer up Sam as a gift, and plans on using Sookie as bait.

We move on to Queen Sophie-Ann’s house, where she is still playing a seemingly unending game of Yahtzee, this time with the usual suspects plus Eric. After exchanging a few pleasantries, Sophie-Ann asks Eric how the eff Bill knew she was having him sell V for her. Shocker! So it’s Evan Rachel Whatever that is having Eric sell V? But why? Maybe that’s how she can afford such a ridiculous sex/blood draining/murder palace.

Anyway, she knocks over Eric and the two hiss at each other and fuck/fight. Sophie Ann does not want this secret getting out, and says that if Eric doesn’t do something she’ll wear his pearly Swedish fangs as clitoral jewelry. Eric says that he’ll take care of Bill. Personally. UGH! I know Eric is a fangirl/boy favorite, but am I the only one who’s seriously over him? I could care less about his weird little obsession with Sookie and their impending love-triangle, and I wish somebody would just kiiiiiill hiiiiiim already. But judging from the fact that he’s in like, all the books, it looks like he’s here to stay. Blarg.

At the weird Greek roofie orgy, Jason and Andy prepare to ride in guns blazing. Andy urges calm, but Jason says he can’t stand seeing the Stackhouse plantation defiled like that, and the two rush in. Unfortunately, Terry and his gang nab them pretty quick, and before we know it both go zombie-eyed like the rest of the town. So much for them saving the day

Inside, Sookie, Maryann, and the other maids of honor are engaging in some sort of bizarre Maenad bachelorette party wherein they all drink wine and lick the giant egg. We learn that unfortunately the egg is of the run-of-the-mill ostrich variety, and not some sort of harpy/gargoyle/demon ova. When it’s Sookie’s turn, she’s a little reluctant to get her lick on, but Maryann screams “LICK THE EGG!” at her, so she does. This shit is getting weirder by the second.

Zombie Jason bursts in telling Maryann that “the vessel” has arrived. Looks like it’s party time! They head outside to find Bill with Sam in tow. Bill proposes an exchange: he’ll give her Sam for Sookie. Even though Sookie is all “Beeeeeel! Nooooe! Beeeeel! Sayummmmm!” the exchange is made. Maryann puts the sexxxay egg into the middle of the totem and lashes Sam to it. Things aren't looking good for America’s favorite shape shifting bar and grill owner.

Zombie Eggs walks over, and without much hesitation stabs Sam with the special dagger a couple times, while Sookie continues to do her thing and screams. She runs to him, and is surprised when she reads his mind and hears him tell her to distract Maryann. Thinking on her toes, she pushes over the gigantic meat tree, sending Maryann into a tizzy. The maenad grows her crazy claws and chases Sookie into the woods, presumably to slash at her back again. Just as she’s about to, however, a gigantic white bull appears. Look’s like her man has arrived after all, though frankly I thought he was going to be like, a dude with horns, not a full on bull. Looks like things here are gonna get real Greek real fast (I’m talkin’ ‘bout bull fucking).

Maryann reaches out her hands and beckons her “husband” to embrace her. Instead of a hug however, the bull gives her a big ol’ horn to the chest, impaling her. Maryann says that she must be the sacrifice after all, and that she’s happy to die for her God. Right after she says this, the bull changes into…SAM! He awesomely has his hand in her chest, and rips out her gross black oily heart. Maryann is all “Is there no God?” and then Sam crushes her heart in his hand, turning her into a nasty mummy bride.

Looks like Bill and Sam had a clever plan this whole time. Sam really got stabbed, but while Sookie was distracting Maryann Bill gave him some of his blood to heal him. Clever!

Over at the Fortenberrys, Hoyt’s mama is back to normal. She says the last thing she remembers is meeting that dead redhead hussy, and then discovers the bite on her neck. Hoyt explains that Jessicca did bite her, but it was only because she got mad at the things she was saying about him, like the “lie” about his daddy. When his mama makes a face that’s all “Oh shit,” he realizes that she was telling the truth, and that his whole life up to now has been a lie. He storms out angrily and tells her he wished Jessica had finished her off.

Back at the house, the townspeople are no longer under Maryann’s zombie sex party spell, and are all wandering around saying “WTF dude?” Especially confused are Jane Bodehouse, who finds her chopped-off finger and Eggs, who is going all Lady Macbeth scrubbing the blood off his hands. Sookie tells everyone to go the hell home, and she and Bill head upstairs and spoon all lovey-dovey like. Blech!

The next day, everyone’s at Merlotte’s and seem to be back to normal, which is weird considering the bizarre shit that went down the night before. Arlene’s there with her kids, buying them all kinds of “I’m sorry” snacks, two ladies are exchanging conspiracy theories about Maryann and what she was, and town bicycle Jane Bodehouse is using her finger-reattachment story to get more tail.

In the kitchen, Sookie and Sam have a heart to heart. He tells her that he’s leaving, since he needs to figure some stuff out. Then, a mysterious present arrives for Sookie. She takes it into the office to open it, and turns out it’s a purdy purple drayuss and a note from Bill.

Sookie heads outside for a break, and is surprised by Eggs, who looks like he is playing charades and the word he was given was “distraught.” He tells her that he doesn’t remember what he did, and he needs her help to figure out what went on. She warns him that she’s not sure he wants to know, but he pushes her, so she does her weirdo-psychic magic and Eggs remembers all the people he stabbed and understandably freaks out. Sookie tries to talk him down by giving the frat-boy-rationalization of “you were blacked out bro! It doesn’t count!” This, understandably, doesn’t do much to calm his nerves, and he runs off.

Later that night Bill and Jessica are adorably father-daughter cutesy with each other, exchanging pleasantries. Bill says that he’ll be taking Sookie out for a fancy French dinner, and Jessica says she’s going to go apologize to Hoyt for their little incident. Awwwww, bonding!

Meanwhile, Sam shows up at where we learn is his Mom’s house for some answers. He tells her he’s not there for an apology; he just wants to know where to find his real parents. She ominously tells him that he doesn’t want to meet them, since they’re “bad people.” However, he finds his father in the other room, who appears to be at death’s door. He hands him a note with a name and an address along with a quickly scrawled “Sorry!”

We cut to an at first random shot at a gas station. But! The camera zooms into a big rig, where Jessica is getting all flirty with a trucker. WTF?! She tells him that she’s a virgin, which he says he kinda likes. She’s all “WELL I DON’T, PERV!” and bites his ass. I sense a Jessica-gone-wild plot arc for Season 3!

Back at Merlotte’s, Eggs surprises Andy Bellefleur in the parking lot (dude loves scaring people in parking lots), dagger in hand. He confesses to killing Ms. Jeanette and Daphne, and tells Andy to arrest him. Andy tries to talk him down, but he gets wilder and wilder, brandishing the knife at him. Thinking he’s seeing a murder in progress, Jason arrives and shoots Eggs in the head. Whoopsies! Andy grabs the gun and tells Jason to skedaddle, right before the rest of the people at Merlotte’s arrive. Andy tells them that Eggs was the murderer, and that he killed himself. Tara comes out and predictably freaks. Drama!

Across town, Bill and Sookie are having a romantic French dinner. Bill hands Sookie a gift of tickets to Vermont (the only state were human-vamp marriage is legal). In case Sookie has any doubts about what Bill is hinting at, he pulls out a ring and pops the question. Sookie has a cold feet freak-out, and Bill asks if this means she’s saying no. She says she doesn’t know what it means, and runs to the bathroom to cool her jets. She puts on the ring and smiles, realizing that she does want to marry Bill after all. Too bad while she’s doing this, Bill gets a silver chain to the neck with gloved hands. She runs out and says “YES! I’ll marry you!” Too bad Bill’s gone. CLIFFHANGER!

END SEASON 2. I know a lot of people were bellyachin’ about how this season wasn’t as good as Season 1, but I really enjoyed it, especially the Maryann plotline. Though, the cliffhanger was a little cheap, considering how long HBO takes between seasons for their shows. Maybe I’ll take up reading the books in the meantime to keep my anxieties at bay. COME BACK SOON TRUE BLOOD!

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Closet Freaks and Wig Wonderland

Today’s words are self-improvement and invention, since this week’s episode was all about the wigged and weaved wives moving up in the world.

We open on Lisa holding a model casting session for the upcoming fashion show for her line, “Closet Freak.” Apparently in addition to designing jewelry and being a nebulous “businesswoman,” Lisa also has an eye for fashion. Things start out just like Sheree’s model casting, but since Lisa is actually paying money for the show instead of relying on freebies and then expecting the world, they actually wind up seeing some half decent models for the show. Goes to show you get what you pay (or don’t pay) for.

Meanwhile, NeNe and Gregg are discussing Brice, NeNe’s deadbeat son. Apparently the no-goodnik has dropped out of college and spends his days doing a whole lot of nothing. NeNe is none too pleased at the loser her son is turning out to be, so she and Gregg agree that they need to have a little chit chat with him. It’s kind of weird to see NeNe in the parent role, since pretty much this whole season all she’s done is hate on the other ladies and act like an overgrown child-Muppet. These ladies have more layers than a Pillsbury biscuit.

Across town, Kim is clothes shopping with her horrible daughter Ariana. As the two pick through hideous overpriced smock-dresses, Kim interviews that she loves going shopping with her daughters, because it gives them a chance to bond. She also says it’s natural that her daughters love to shop, since they’re “little mini-me’s” of her. I actually think her daughter bears a closer resemblance to Marla Hooch from A League of their Own than Kim, but whatever.

Kim spots a dubious “Dior” child’s dress, and tells her daughter “Mommy wants to be buried in Dior,” to which daughter replies “Well I want to be buried in Juicy Couture,” which is kind of hilarious. Not only is a terrycloth track suit that says “juicy” on the ass a little inappropriate for a funeral, it will also be way out of style by the time she dies. It’s like the equivalent of a child of the early 90’s demanding they be buried in their Hammer pants and Hypercolor t-shirt. But I guess I shouldn’t be too critical of a child, spawn of Kim or not.

Meanwhile, Lisa meets with her designer in her Freak Closet to check up on the progress of the fashion line. Lisa is a little worried, since the show is NEXT WEEK and only about half of the pieces are finished. Designer Evelyn assures her that she’ll git-r-dun.

Over at the Buruss household, Kandi meets with her producer friend Don Vito to talk about the hot beats he’s putting together for “Don’t Be Tardy for the Party.” I’m sure Don Vito is some stupid Godfather-referencing alias, but I like to think it’s just his name. Like “Hello, I’m Donald P. Vito, at your service.” Anyway, Kandi bizarrely scatted the melody she had in mind for the song into Donald's voicemail, and from that he was able to put together a song. While it sounds very generic and simple, it’s actually surprisingly not as low budget as I expected for a Real Housewife jam. I guess Kandi might actually know people in the biz after all. Ms. Donald Edgar Vitolio Esquire is a little nonplussed at the news that music noob Kim will be performing the song, but Like Kandi, he's up for a challenge.

Next, Lisa meets Sheree at her house to exchange passive-aggressive compliments about each others’ fashion lines. Sheree thinks Lisa is a creepy copycat, and isn’t a real designer since she doesn’t sketch. Lisa thinks Sheree is a procrastinator and doesn’t have it together, and that you must be a business-minded businesswoman from planet Business in order to succeed in the fashion game. Both ladies interview that the other sucks, and we move on.

Back at NeNe’s, it’s time for the dreaded chat with Brice. NeNe goes all momspaz on him, telling him that he needs to go to school, get some education, stop staying out late, get a job, and for god sakes do something with that hair! He mumbles ok and shuffles off into his room.

At Wigcat Manor, Kim has the amazingly fabulous wig-peddler Derek J over to discuss her upcoming wig line. He arrives in a Flashdancy off-the-shoulder grey ensemble and heels, and I fall in love. Kim interviews that Derek isn’t transsexual or transgender, he’s just “transfantastic.” Well said.

After pouring wine and making small talk, the pair get to business. Kim says she wants to be a pioneer among wigmakers, since she sees a void in the current industry for wigs geared towards her Caucasian sisters. She says she’s looking for big porno hair, and it must be of human origin. For some reason, describing a wig as “human” gives me the heebie jeebies. Anyway, Kim says the next step will be to hold a wig party for all her friends to get the word out. WIG PARTY! Do they have these in LA? If so, I’m so going to one.

Later Lisa checks out the space for the R. Kelly's Freak in the Closet show. Apparently for the set they are having actual closets built, which seems a little literal, but maybe it will work out. Reeking of desperation, Lisa says that Dwight had animals and dancers at his event and Sheree will probably have a big event too, so she really needs to step it up! It’s a little disturbing how competitive this lady is.

But enough of that! It’s time for the muthafucking WIG PARTY! Ladies of all ages and races descend on Kim’s house to try on fake hair. Kim dons a bunch of different wigstyles, all of which look better than the current My Size Barbie look she is rocking. After a bit, NeNe arrives, screaming “WIIIIIIIGS BABY! WIIIIIIGS!” to announce her presence before heading directly over to the appetizers to chow down. Kim teases her for eating, but NeNe says of course she’s eating cuz she’s "fucking hongray."

Then, in perhaps one of the more bizarre events in housewife history, NeNe puts on Kim’s wig and does an uncomfortably long Kim impression that has everyone at the party squirming, sort of like when your grandfather gets drunk at Thanksgiving and rants about how we fucked the Indians. NeNe interviews that it was like she was possessed by the wig, because as soon as she took it off, her desire to mimic Kim disappeared. Then she threw a handful of dust in the bonfire and oddly said "Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story, 'The Tale of the Witching Wig.'”

The next day, NeNe has enchanted ventriloquist’s dummy Dwight and his styling team over to perform a hairtervention on Brice, meaning they braid his hair and clean him up a little bit. NeNe says that Brice has an “ethnic side,” which is great, but he should still look clean cut. Next time I go too long between shaves or haircuts, I’m just going to say it’s because I have an ethnic side too.

Back at Sheree’s, she and her publicist are discussing how disappointed they are with their free event. Apparently Mercedes (Dealership of Duluth) and Tiffany’s (Corndog Hut) both think that the event is too big and too over budget, and are having cold feet. Once again Sheree complains about balls being dropped. It seems like the only balls in her life that haven’t dropped are the undescended ones in her abdominal cavity. Sigh...

Fashion show time! Everything falls together at the last minute, and it looks like Lisa is going to actually put on a decent show. Or at least have clothes, unlike Sheree’s mess from last season. Just as the finishing touches are applied, the guests begin to arrive at the venue, except for one Ms. Whitfield, who is conspicuously absent. Allegedly she has to miss it for her son’s rehearsal, but NeNe thinks she skipped it on purpose to throw shade Lisa’s way, which is probably the more accurate story.

After the guests take their seats, the show begins! A parade of model-ish women stomp down the runway decked out in what look like neon and pastel satin clown costumes. Seriously, I didn’t count one outfit that didn’t have some sort of billowy pant or frill. Dwight the Demonic Puppet shits all over each (metaphorically, nasty) outfit as it passes by: “That’s not finished!” “That’s too short!” He says because he’s been in “this industry” for 25 years, he knows what he’s talking about. I thought he did hair? Just because you know how to sew in a weave and you wear mink pants doesn’t mean you’re a fashion expert. NeNe more politely says that she thought the show was a “good first effort,” which coming from her, is something of a compliment.

At the afterparty, Sheree finally rolls up and is sassed by Lisa’s gay for not showing up to the show. This causes her to go nuts on the dude and dropping f-bombs like nobody's business. Sheree goes in and tries to talk to Lisa, but she gets the cold shoulder, so she leaves. She interviews that the guests at the party looked very unsophisticated and un-fashion, and if they were any indication of Lisa’s line, she didn’t miss a thing. BURN!

And that concludes that chapter of this tangled Dixie web. Next week, it looks like Kim has a freakout while recording, and then later passes out at some sort of red carpet event? Bravo gives us no context for this, so the whole ep looks like it’s going to be really bizarre.

Rachel Zoe Recap: "Throw a leather jacket over a romper, throw it over a ball gown, throw it over everything."

Phrew! After a week of being on pins and needles, we will finally get to see Episode Two: Armani Prive Trains Strike Back. For those who didn’t watch last week, or are too lazy to scroll further on this blog to read the recap (sloth is a deadly sin, BTW. Just sayin'), Rachel had requested that Armani add a train to Annie's Oscar dress. However, Rachel hates the first option they give her, so now they are down to one train left. Rachel had better like the second look, or Mr. Armani will have her head on a fabulous tulle-enshrouded platter.

So, the second model comes out and….everyone loves it (surprise surprise). They all agree that it looks very modern and gorgeous, though I actually thought it looked kind of fugly, like someone stapled your grandmother’s lace tablecloth onto the models back. But whatevs, I guess that’s why I’m not an arthropodian Hollywood stylist.

Anyway, after everyone stops congratulating everybody giving each other reach-arounds, Rachel says that she has a good feeling about the dress, but she will OF COURSE have to see it on Anne, leaving the opportunity for Bravo to craft some made up plot tension, since obviously Anne Hathaway will be wearing the fucking Armani gown after all this commotion.

Later the gang meet to discuss their Oscar game plan. Rachel informs Brad that he will be with Anne all day on Oscar day, meaning he will essentially be handling everything. Rachel assures him it is a big responsibility, and she doesn’t want any fuckups like last year, when Cameron Diaz nearly killed herself and a bus load of blind children because Brad forgot to give her nipple covers to hide her jumblies. So, NO MISTAKES BRAD OR RACHEL WILL EAT YOUR HEAD LIKE THE PRAYING MANTIS SHE IS!

In addition to Anne Hathaway, Team Zoe will also be styling Demi Moore for the Oscar party she is co-hosting with Madonna. What's up with people who aren’t nominated or even associated with the Oscars at all hosting lavish afterparties? It’s like they think by having their name associated with a related event, everyone will just assume they were nominated. It just seems kind of desperate, but whatever. Anyway, after rejecting several perfectly fine dresses, Tay Tay and Rach settle on an oversexed Morticia Adams ensemble.

After some SexyBack-knockoff interstitial music, it’s CHAOS AT THE THOMPSON! Makeup Gay is hurriedly prepping Rachel for the Marc Jacobs show, which she absolutely must be on time for. Apparently, last year she was late and it was the scandal of fashion week. Or at least, was mentioned in passing by a gossip website. We never said modesty was her strong suit. They all hop in an SUV and race across town to the show, arriving in time to see Marc’s bizarre line of psychedelic acid bubbe creations.

With fashion week now officially over, Team Zoe head back to LA. Though they have a lot on their plate for Oscar week, they still have regular styling duties, and today Rachel and Taylor are out doing a “personal shop” for Liv Tyler. Taylor is still upset about the Jennifer Garner InStyle miscommunication, but Rachel essentially tells her to STFU, so she lets it go. With that settled, we’re treated to a hilarious shopping montage of the two getting looks for Liv as Rachel shouts “She will LIV(E). IN. THAT.” after nearly every outfit. Puns!

Later at the studio, Ms. Tyler arrives and is delightfully charming. Apparently Brad has done a lot of styling stuff with her in the past, so they are basically BFF’s now. What proceeds is a ten minute advertisement for Liv Tyler, as she trys on a bunch of looks and Rachel and Brad tell her how faaaaabulous she looks. Rachel relays a funny story about how she and Rodger were watching a movie of Liv’s, and during a scene where Ms. Tyler pulls out a boob (because lobbing out one tit is totally classier than showing the pair), Rodger screamed “GROSS!” and barfed all over the place, since apparently he and Liv are old friends. Anyway, Liv is pleased with the looks assembled, and happily bounds off to cyclops WeHo in her new Marc Jacobs romper.

Back at the Zoe homestead, Rachel tells Rodger that she thinks Brad might have a repeat of last year, and she worries he will fuck things up. Rodger assures her that Brad has done a lot of living and growing since then, so he’ll do fine. It’s not like it’s surgery or anything. Rachel counters that “It is actually surgery!” Apparently Brad will also be removing Ms. Hathaway’s appendix on Oscar day in addition to styling her look.

Across town, Taylor phones Brad in the studio to try and get him to help her style Jen Garner’s shoot. Brad refuses, since he’s too busy with Oscar prep. Taylor interviews that Brad was initially hired to help Taylor, so she doesn’t understand why he isn’t helping her. Except he is, since he is doing all the styling for Anne Hathaway, which Taylor would assumedly be doing instead if he didn’t work there. But who’s keeping track.

Whatever though, Brad has bigger fish to fry since Rachel has just told him that ANNE NEEDS A SECOND GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING LOOK! Apparently in addition to being nominated, she’s also participating in a musical number with Hugh Jackman at the beginning, which means she needs a dress she’ll be able to move in. However, like most things on this ridiculous show, it’s not nearly as big of a problem as they make it out to be, since they find a dress that will work within minutes.

Later, another bomb is dropped: they will only have one hour with Anne to do a fitting. IMPOSSIBLE! It takes years to put dresses on skinny actresses, not one mere hour! He’s not a magician! He phones Rachel, who is typically freaking about the news. Makeup Gay tries to lighten the mood, saying they should just throw some American Apparel leggings on her and call it a day. The two boys then have an impromptu Flashdance party, having a grand old time until Marisa comes in and gives them serious sideye, shitting all over everything as usual. What a bitch.

Anyway, Anne comes over (which we don’t get to see, because she’s an actual celebrity), and both looks looked great on her. They’ve also decided to not use either train on the dress, which I’m sure Armani will be thrilled about. The nerve of dat broad!

Before Rachel leaves, she says she needs to talk to Brad about his attitude. “Brad… you have a Braditude” she says earnestly. “A moody. Snarky. Braditude.” Brad says he didn’t realize he was doing it, but he’ll try to be more upbeat, though he counters that Rachel also has an attitude. Rachel says she is passive aggressive, not snarky. There’s a difference.

Things aren’t all scalding-city for Brad though. Rachel fills him in on the wonderful news that HE. WILL. BE. GOING. TO. THE . OSCARS. WITH. ANNE. HATHAWAY. Apparently he’ll be there to help her change her outfits and make sure there aren’t any wardrobe problems. After Brad finishes crying and regains sanity, they both talk about what a surreal experience this is.

Finally, it’s Oscar day! Except for a fiasco involving nude leotard underwear and Anne Hathaway almost breaking out into a rash, the day goes swimmingly. Rachel says that Annie looked gorgeous and her body was out of control. I’m hoping she means out of control as in had explosive diarrhea and was convulsing all over the place, but I think she means it in a good way (sigh).

The next day all three Zoeians recap the previous day’s events. Brad had a crazy good time backstage at the Oscars, getting to see all of his favorite celebrities including Zac Efron, who he LOVES (which is kind of creepy considering Brad is like 32 and Zac Efron looks 12, but whatever). Since she hates fun and laughter, Taylor scowls and yells from the couch that she would rather shoot herself than go to the Oscars, and this conversation makes her want to slit her wrists. And with that, the episode ends. What a positive way to close things!

So anyway, that was that episode. One of the best, if only because it introduced “Braditude” into my life. Next week there’s dramz about Rachel being too skinny, so that should be really good. Visible spinal column y'all!

I love Glee.

Ok, I know I'm way late on this since every single site has already sung it's praises through and through, but can I just talk about how awesome Glee is?

I'm ashamed to say I missed the first glimpse of this amazingness back in May when Fox aired the pilot, so Wednesday was my first exposure to the program, and from the very beginning I loved it

Glee is both racy and self-deprecating while at the same time delivering Disney-Channel-TV-movie level schmaltz. Because of this, it strangely succeeds in being both envelope-pushing and heart-warming. Seriously, what other show would have a guidance counselor making gag reflex jokes to a teen and then have that teen go on and sing an earnest tear-filled rendition of Rihanna's "Take a Bow." Or have premature ejaculation gags right after a tender high school first kiss. It's like High School Musical: After Dark.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned the musical numbers? Interwoven throughout each episode are Glee Club renditions of pop hits of yesterday and today. Passed off as club practices and performances, the tunes also serve to further the plotline, like when Kanye West's "Gold Digger" is performed coincidentally right after Mr. Schuester goes house shopping with his greedy wife, or when the club circumvents Mr. Schuester and performs a hilariously scandalous rendition of "Push It" at the school assembly to literally push the limits of what a Glee Club should sing. Though not a traditional musical in the "I'm randomly and inexplicably singing my feelings out loud" sort of way, the musical numbers are so over the top and earnest that they still serve the same function even though they are ostensibly grounded in reality.

Beyond that though, the best part of the show are the characters themselves. Glee is full of hilarious caricatures of familiar high school archetypes: You have the queeny gay kid, the overachieving awkward girl, the doofy jock love interest, the bitchy cheerleader, the token sassy black girl, and a kid in a wheelchair (referred to as half of a person at one point). While at first you could write them off as tired stereotypes, which to a certain extent they are, each character is written with love and a fresh sense of humor which keeps them from feeling stale. Sure, the Asian girl is awkward, but she also mimes giving the crippled kid a blowjob during a dance number. The gay kid may be a queen, but he's also endearing and gets some of the best laughs of the show, and they don't come from playing off his limp-wristedness.

The greatest asset to the cast, however, comes in the form of the impeccable Jane Lynch. Hugely underrated and arguably one of the best comedic actresses/ power lesbians of recent record, she shines in her role as Sue Sylvester, William McKinley High's surly cheerleading coach and uber-villain, ceaselessly plotting to put an end to the Glee Club by any means necessary. Lynch's deadpan delivery of her hilariously evil lines made me literally LOL with almost everything she said. Even her facial expressions are amazing.
Exhibit A:

That stare is cold as ice!
Seriously though, the first scene where she is ultra-aggressively trying to intimidate Mr. Schuester into cancelling the Glee Club is comedic gold.

Glee is one of those rare shows that manages to be smart, sassy, and fresh without being too cheesy, too twee, or trying too hard. It's both honest and ridiculous, and its completely amazing. A+ DYNAMITE!

The Greatest Story Ever Told

A lot of shows are thrown around as being ground-breaking, poignant, or "must-see." You've got your 30 Rocks, your Sopranos, your Seinfelds, etc. However, always left off of that list is the greatest, most inspiring show ever to hit the airwaves. Thats right, I'm talking about...



Seriously though, for those of you who aren't watching Frankie & Neffe, you NEED TO BE. It's got everything a good show needs: laughter, tears, drama, high camp, wigs, dentures, catch phrases, everything.

For those unfamiliar with the concept of the show, Frankie & Neffe is a spin-off of BET's Keyshia Cole vehicle, Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is. Ostensibly about the R&B singer and her ups and downs in the music industry, the real breakout stars of the series were her elder, emotionally unstable sister Neffe (short for Neffeteria, which I like to think is a portmanteau of Nefertiti+Cafeteria) and her former crack-addicted biological mother Frankie, who is basically a black Jerri Blank.

Really.


The issues in Keyshia's life may have dictated the overarching narrative of the series, but the real reason viewers tuned in was to see Neffe cry and rage and see Frankie pick fights with Keyshia's adoptive parents. Keyshia may have been the figurehead, but Frankie and Neffe were running the show.

Recognizing this, BET ended The Way It Is after three seasons and went ahead and gave Frankie and Neffe an eponymous reality show of their own. Now free of the restraints of the Keyshia narrative, though assumingly still living off her money, the ladies are free to focus on themselves and their own lives.

But wait! Feel good self-help program this is NOT. Sure, they talk about growing and self actualizing and they see life coaches, but in practice, this usually leads to fighting, crying, and shouting out non-sequitor catch phrases (mainly just Frankie on that last one. Man down!). The show has an ostensible self-improvement narrative, but the real purpose of the show is to see the women's antics. Sort of like how everyone on The Bad Girls Club talks about how they're on the show to change, as if they didn't know that the real reason they're there is to get black out drunk and gouge out eachothers eyes.

The show exists at the crossroads where VH1 trash reality TV and TLC/A&E learning shows intersect, creating a new genre of reality show which I'll dub Trashucation.

For instance, this week's episode was "about" Neffe taking the advice of her life coach, and making an effort to put more trust in Frankie. To do this, she decides to allow her children to spend the night at their granny's house, something she's never done. This quicky tailspins into into Frankie going on a junk food shopping spree at the dollar store, letting the kids run amok, and then passing out because taking care of the kids is hard work, leaving them to their own devices. Making matters worse, she leaves them unattended with her ex-boyfriend Zo, who Neffe despises, leading to a huge explitive-riddled blowup in front of the children.

So there you have it, the show starts as a narrative on trust building and mother-daughter bonding, but mainly consists of child abandonment, crying, and passionate screaming matches. Trashucation.

Another draw to the show, as mentioned above, are Frankie's many catch phrases. These gems are uttered at any time, in any circumstance. Frankie has the kids for the night? It's a "man down situation." Get in a fight with Neffe? "CODE TEN!" Make up with Neffe? "CODE TEN MAN DOWN SITUATION!" Don't know the answer to a question? "Details at eleven!" They could make a Frankie pullstring doll with all these bankable catchphrases. In fact, I'm trademarking that idea. You hear me BET?!

All in all, Frankie & Neffe offers the perfect mix of feel goodisms and schadenfreude that allow you to unabashedly say you watch the show to your friends, all the while knowing that the real reason you're watching is to see these two hot messes in action. It's a guilt-free win-win situation. Or should I say man down situation.



Seriously, watch it.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Kim will NOT be doing blackface.

A feeling of mystery lies thick as a fog in the Georgia air. This week is alter-ego week.

NeNe organizes a spa day with Sheree and Kandi to discuss the upcoming photo shoot. It should be noted that the word “spa” is being used very loosely here, since all I see are easy chairs and a sink, but whatever.

All three women will be getting Minks, which are apparently some sort of fancy nail that Beyonce and Rihanna have. NeNe is surprised that Kandi is only getting Minks, since she also booked her for a “wax for her coochay hair.” Kandi declines, since she is already in the process of getting the hair on her cooter permanently lasered off. Unprompted, Sheree volunteers that she is as bald down there as the day she was born.

Sensing that the conversation has gotten really weird really quick, the conversation moves on to the real reason they’re all together: the shoot. NeNe breaks down the concept for each lady. For herself, she’s modified things a little bit and will be a stripper and a client watching the stripper.

Before she reveals Sheree’s, she tells her to have an open mind, which is never a good sign. What NeNe had in mind was to have Sheree wearing a prison costume breaking into an ATM for seven figures. Sheree gives a spectacular bitchface indicating that she doesn’t like the idea too much. However, once NeNe tells her she can be a sexy robber, she enthusiastically agrees. Problem solved! Just goes to show that the difference between a good idea and a bad idea is the word “sexy.”

For Kandi, NeNe says she initially had her as a bride and a groom, since she’s engaged and all, but THEN she thought she could also make her hood, because “she hood.” This causes the ladies to launch into a dreaded hood-off! Kandi is shocked that NeNe had the nerve to call her hood, since she thinks NeNe is the most sassy finger snappingest of all of them. NeNe counters that she is NOT from the hood, and thinks Kandi is way more hood than she is.

They go on like this for a while until conversation moves on to everyone’s favorite wigalicious whipping girl, Kim. Sheree and NeNe warn Kandi about Kim, but she says she thinks Kim is pretty cool, and she’s going to give her a shot, letting them know that she’s agreed to produce Kim’s club banga for her.

NeNe asks if Kandi’s actually heard the pop masterpiece yet, and she says she hasn’t, so they go to her car for a listen. I don’t think I’d ever actually listened to how terrible the lyrics are. A sample:

“Don’t be tardy for the party, I can hardly wait/ Though it starts at 9:30, I’ll be there by 8/ By 8:30 the hors d’oeuvres arrive I fill up my plate/ I can already tell this party is first rate.”

So basically the song about some asshole who arrives an hour and a half early to your party so they can gorge themselves on appetizers before the rest of the people arrive. Who thought this was a good idea for a hit single again? In any case, Kandi recognizes she has her work cut out for her, but she sees potential and promises to make it hot.

After a bizarre belly dance/ stanky legg interlude, we move on to Lisa and Kim’s much ballyhooed meeting of the minds. Kim wants Lisa to apologize for insinuating she lied about having cancer (even though, you know, she did), and Lisa wants Kim to apologize for telling everyone in Atlanta that she was a crack whore (which Kim also did).

They meet at an empty restaurant and are surprisingly cordial to each other. Since no “important” conversation can be had in Atlanta unless it’s done over shitty white wine, the ladies each order a glass of chardonnay and start to hash things out. Lisa brings up the crackwhore issue, causing Kim to babble about Google alerts and how she had nothing to do with it. Lisa interviews that she can knows Kim is lying since she was told by all of the Atlanta metropolitan area that Kim says she was out turning tricks on Peachtree St. However, she knows Kim will never fess up, so she lets it go.

Lisa goes on to enable Kim’s compulsive liar behavior and apologizes for insinuating Kim lied about having cancer. All in all though, it was a surprisingly adult meeting, even ending on a hug! Both are glad that they can move forward. Booooooring.

Across town, Kandi and Sheree meet up at a cute dessert café to have a girl ta;l. Sheree obnoxiously says that she hopes they have a good salad or something. Everybody in the shop eyerolls and tells Sheree to shut the fuck up and order a piece of cake, so she does. After getting situated, they start talking about Lady Whiskyvoice du Newport again. Sheree says that Kim is the type of chick you go to parties with and stuff but you never tell them your personal business. Kandi says so far she thinks Kim is really cool. Sheree ominously tells Kandi to watch out and that her time will come. Then she holds a flashlight under her chin and makes spooky ghost noises.

The topic moves on to relationship issues. When Sheree asks how Kandi’s engagement is going, she inadvertently unleashes a floodgate of depressing information. Apparently, Kandi’s cousin and her fiance’s nieces and nephews were hit by a drunk driver and are all in the hospital. She tearfully says that she thinks it would be in bad taste to throw an engagement party as planned when so many of their loved ones are in the hospital. Taking her cue, Sheree maces herself and frantically jabs at her eyes with her Mink-clad fingernail until she starts tearing up as well. Kandi thanks Sheree for listening, since she doesn’t normally like crying in front of people. Sheree says she’s the same way…yeah right.

Back at Chateau von Wig de Menthol, Kim is interviewing a new nanny to replace the previous one who they had to fire after the tampon fiasco. Kim fills the new candidate in on what her vital duties will be, like making the girls wear their helmets and get their Chik-fil-A at the right time.

Lastly, Kim tells the nanny that she smokes, drinks, and generally has a wet and wild good time, and she doesn’t want to get any lip about it like she did from the old nanny. She’s not dead for god’s sake! She also doesn’t want to hear any bellyaching about her taking speedballs straight to the heart every morning in the living room. This isn’t a gee-dee convent!

Later, NeNe invites Lisa over for a gossip sesh. After the necessary shitty wine is poured, the ladies once again complain about Kim. Lisa talks about how Kim won’t admit to her lie and NeNe says that she heard Kim’s been going all over town complaining about how she doesn’t want to do blackface. NeNe REALLY wants Kim do blackface so they give her a call to see what’s up.

NeNe is all “DO BLACKFACE!” and Kim is all “No! I don’t wanna!” so then NeNe is like “Well then you got any other ideas, wise guy?” and then Kim is all “Yeah. Jaykay no” and then NeNe is like “Why I oughtta…” NeNe tells her to think about possible new egos overnight and let her know in the morning.

The next day, it’s shooting time! As she leaves, NeNe tells Gregg that she’ll be gone all day, since she’s directin’ all the ladies shoots. She also lets us know that she’s come to a compromise with Kim: the wigged wonder will be playing a Stepford’s (SIC) wife and a mistress. NeNe thinks this is all kinds of lame, since Kim is already a mistress so it’s not much of a stretch. Gregg counters that at least this means she won’t have to rehearse much. OH SNAP! He also says he’s going to stop by the bank before NeNe’s shoot so he can come over and make it rain. Gregg FTW!

Finally, the shoot commences in earnest. First up is Lisa, who as mentioned earlier will be a good girl/bad girl. The concept of the shoot is that bad girl dominatrix Lisa will be pushing over Girl Scout Lisa while she’s riding her bike, which is actually kind of a cute idea. Back inside, NeNe and Kandi hiss at each other and trade passive aggressive compliments. All the ladies are getting a little annoyed at NeNe’s bossy attitude, but she counters that when you’re a director and you have a “buncha bitches who doesn’t wanna listen to whatcha sayin’, you gotta get a little bossy.” Take note, Scorsese.

Next up is Kandi, who has decided to change her shoot from bride and groom to drunk driver and victim, to “raise awareness.” I suppose it’s a good sentiment, but an alter ego vanity shoot seems like an odd way to discuss the dangers of drunk driving. Anyway, they start the shoot, and she poses as a Benz-driving flapper with bottle of hooch in hand and a banged up and bloodied black Dorothy splayed on the hood. The results are both sad and strangely hilarious.

In the prep room, SHEREE AND KIM HAVE ARRIVED! Dun dun dun. Surprisingly, instead of a prolonged catfight in a lily pond, the ladies have a polite chat about how they should do something for Kandi in her time of need. What’s with these ladies and their polite discourse? I demand more wig shifting, god damn it!

Time for Kim’s mistress shoot! They make her put on a black Velma Kelly-type wig, which Kim complains is just as bad as blackface, if not worse. Black bob wigs are HIGHLY offensive to 31 year old chain-smoking homewreckers, guys. Out of nowhere, Dwight pops us and tells Kim she looks fabulous. He then puts on a pair of gigantic heels and struts around the studio. What does Dwight do, anyway? Doesn’t he have a job?

After Kim stops complaining about being oppressed by her black wig and Dwight stops high kicking in a pair of slingback pumps, the team head over to a Laundromat for Kim’s shoot. The concept is for “Stepford’s Wife” Kim to be giving slutty whore mistress/IRL Kim nasty looks while they do their laundry. Kim predictably sucks at doing the shoot and NeNe complains that she shouldn’t be having any problems since she is essentially playing herself. Mercifully, the session ends and they move on to Sheree and NeNe’s shoots, which will be done at Magic City, Atlanta’s classiest place to see ladies slither their tits out and scissor each other while men throw money at them.

First is Sheree, who is being a surprisingly good sport about the whole gold digger-themed shoot. She poses as a classy woman being choked at an ATM, and then as her fabulously dressed and befauxhawked assailant. She takes to it like a pro, and before we know it her shoot is over.

Last, and certainly not least, is NeNe’s stripper and client shoot. By that time, it’s so late that the actual strippers have begun doing their thing in the background, which NeNe says helps give her energy. She first poses as a modestly dressed woman in pearls who would “never be caught dead in a strip club,” even though that’s exactly where she is. I guess logic isn’t really a factor in these shoots.

This portion of the shoot goes fine, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the second half, where Lady Leakes gets her freak on, stripper style. After getting decked out in a long black wig and sparkly red eyeshadow, NeNe hits the pole like the rent is due. She drops it down to the floor and flickers her tongue in and out like an oversexed gecko. She even has a few nip slips, but is too in the zone to notice. In case anyone was suspicious about how NeNe is such a natural minge-monger, Gregg clarifies that she strips for him every night, and he strips for her. They’ve said this before, but I guess I always thought it was the innocent Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies sort of striptease, and not the Elizabeth Berkley licking a pole in Showgirls kind. This gives a whole new disturbing glimpse into the bedroom of NeNe and Gregg.

Finally, it’s a wrap! All in all, the alter ego shoot was a smashing success. I’m actually pretty excited to see how they turn out. Knowing these Bravo assholes though, they’ll probably make us wait until the very last episode.

However, next week’s preview shows NeNe donning a blonde wig and doing a Kim impression right in front of her face, so we still have some good stuff to look forward to in the meantime. Until then!

Rachel Zoe Recap: The Saddest Fashion Week in American History

It’s fashiooooon weeeeeek everyoooooooooone (said in Oprah voice)!!!!! Rachel tells us that timewise, they’re fucked, since this year fashion week falls days away from the Oscars, which means Team Zoe is up to their Bvlgari-clad ears in work. Brad wonders why they are even going to Fashion Week this year since they have so much to do. Rachel says that since the economy is so bad, it’s her duty to go, because if she didn’t, nobody would. Rachel Zoe single handedly saves the fashion industry! Give this woman a medal.

Mother Zoeresa moves on to discuss the styling of Anne Hathaway for the Oscars. Since her Armani Prive dress from the Globes was such a shut-it-down bananafest, Rachel thinks they shouldn't mess with a good thing. She has another Prive dress in mind, but doesn’t think it has enough pizzazz. Drunk with power from her ability to convince Count von Lagerfeld to stop drinking the blood of Czech twinks long enough to alter last week’s Cameron Diaz gown, Rachel decides to try her luck and ask Mr. Armani himself to add a train to the Oscar dress. Has this woman no limits?!

Meanwhile, Taylor complains that she doesn’t even want to go to New York since she has so much to do back in LA styling for the upcoming InStyle shoot they have with Jennifer Garner. She will soldier on and go though, since the Zoe demands it.

Later, Brad and Taylor go over options for Anne Hathaway in case the Armani dress doesn’t work out. The dresses are pretty, but all too weird or "boobalicious" for such a tasteful day as the Oscars. Brad tries to get Taylor to try on one of the dresses, backhandedly saying she’s having a skinny day. They should just change the name of this show to “The Giving Taylor Body Issues Project.”

On to New York! Rachel and her pet husband Rodger arrive at the fancy shmancy Thompson L.E.S. hotel. She checks in and makes sure the bags have arrived while he gurgles and plays with his bangs. The concierge assures Rachel that all seven (!) of her weirdly saran-wrapped bags have arrived safe and sound and are in her room. Rachel interviews that she always travels with a full wardrobe of clothes since she likes to have options. Always prepared, that one. She must have been a Boy Scout.

Rachel confesses that not unlike a kinkajou monkey impulse-bought by Paris Hilton, Rodger always feels neglected during fashion week. She was hoping that after doing this year after year he’d get used to it, but he’s still a needy nelly. Poor little guy.

Time to prep for the Rag & Bones show! Makeup Gay says she must be going nuts with all the stuff she has to do. She replies that she is indeed going out of her “cuckoo fucking head right now.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.

The hours fly by, and before we know it it’s time for the show. Brad and Rachel hop in their Escalade and head over, while Taylor plays a fiddle for scraps of food on the street. Brad interviews that Fashion Week is like the Olympics, since you have all the big designers vying for a place in the spotlight. He says it’s like watching Kristy Yamaguchi skate. I immediately pictured Diane von Furstenberg and Marc Jacobs doing pairs figure skating and giggled to myself. “MAHK! LEEFT ME! LEEFT ME!”

On the red carpet outside the show, Rachel tells a reporter that she and her clients rock Rag & Bones and love it. Inside, Rachel and Brad watch the different looks strut down the runway and say that they’re all cuckoo bananas, but not right for the Oscars. Afterwards, Rachel poses with the designers and fawns over how great the clothes were while they ignore her for someone more interesting and famous.

Back at the hotel, Taylor is still stressing out over the “Jen Garner” InStyle shoot. She says that she has to put together three looks: a “wet hair” look (huh?), an edgy look, and an androgynous look. Sounds easy enough, though I don’t quite understand why someone needs a couture gown for a wet hair look. Was the idea that it rained on some sort of fabulous parade?

While she’s doing that, Rachel and Brad head over to meet Diane von Furstenberg (DVF as Brad calls her, and “Diahnnn” to Rachel). It must be written in their contracts that Brad and Rachel get to do everything fun while Taylor has to do all the shitty jobs, because that’s how this season is seriously playing out. Anyway, the two meet with DVF, who explains that her new line, dubbed “Nomad,” is intended to be full of real clothes that are like old friends that every woman can enjoy. She proceeds to roll out a series of kinte prints, ridiculous pom pom hats, and gigantic suede coats. Totally real clothes, if you are some sort of fabulous Nepalese Sherpa. On her way out, Rachel tries to steal a necklace but is caught by DVF and made to give it back. Apparently DVF does not offer a five finger discount.

Across town Taylor is grumpily searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. She authoritatively tells people at stores she’s styling a shoot for Jen Garner and needs looks, then proceeds to insult all the options they give her. Of one look, she says that Ms. Garner would look like a “Rushunn Huuucker” in her bizarre accent. Seriously, where is she from? She sounds like a cross between Lauren Conrad and a stroke victim. Then, in case we forgot, she reminds us how much she doesn’t want to be there and would rather be back in LA.

Over in funtown, Rachel is getting dressed up for the Matthew Williamson store opening. She parades around in various looks while Brad, Makeup Gay, and Marc Jacobs' stylebear fiancé Lorenzo tell her how terrible she looks. After about an hour, she finally decides to choose the first look she tried on. *headdesk*

The gang arrives at the party and Rachel poses for paparazzi while voiceovering about how much she hates posing for paparazzi. Inside, she runs into old friend Lindsay Lohan. The two schmooze while the photogs “have a field day” taking pictures of them. LiLo gives a coy little look to nobody in particular and the two head off into another room. Ski trip anyone?

Night turns to dawn, and it’s Valentine’s Day! Rachel coos at her husband in a bizarre baby voice to wake up while he grunts at her and falls back asleep. She says that the holiday always falls during Fashion Week, but this year she really wants to make it a priority to spend at least part of her day with Rodger. He finally wakes up, and the two have a romantic room service breakfast. Rachel tells him she pulled a Richard Gere, so Rodger places some sunflower seeds under her chair to coax out the gerbil. However, she meant that she ordered everything off the menu like in Pretty Woman. Phew!

After their romantic morning, it’s back to work. Rachel and Brad head over to visit “Mr. Armani” to thank him for all the red carpet moments he’s given them and for altering Anne's gown. Brad comments that it’s like going to fashion church. Idolatrous fashionistas! The two arrive at Armani to a dubbed-in heavenly choir. Rachel spews platitudes onto Mr. Armani while he babbles through his daughter/translator about Prive being a geeft he geeves to heemself. After they stop weeping and their hysterical blindness goes away, Brad and Rachel blissfully head back to the hotel.

Back on Misery Lane, Taylor is still searching for looks for the InStyle shoot. Dude, just PICK some already! Is it really that hard to find three dresses for Jennifer Garner to wear in fucking InStyle? Anyway, Taylor goes to a vintage store where she and the owner bitch about how over fashion week they are since it’s not about the clothes anymore. Sigh.

Brad and Rachel go to more shows and have more fun while Taylor is still stomping around New York with steam shooting out of her ears like a foiled Elmer Fudd. She meets up with Makeup Gay for a bitch session. She complains that she’s just so fruuuustraaaaated at where her career with Rachel is at. She was promised growth, and to be able to be involved in Rachel’s upcoming product line, and now it’s looking like the line might not even happen.

Except it is! Accross town, Rachel heads over to a company called Tiger J, which sounds like the name of a gay porn star, but apparently is one of the largest manufacturers of outerwear in the United States. She’s there to discuss a possible partnership with them, and brings Marisa along with her to the meeting. Not Taylor, dirty old MARISA. Tay Tay is gonna be piiiiiiiiissed. Anyway, the folks at Tiger Tyson want to partner with Rachel for a line of faux-fur and leather jackets. This seems oddly fitting, since for some reason Rachel Zoe’s face and fake leather go well together to me.

Back at the hotel, Taylor meets with Rachel to tell her she’s going home. She says she doesn’t want to be at fashion week, and doesn’t even understand why she’s in New York in the first place since she hasn’t been able to go to any shows. Rachel interviews that she thought she was giving Taylor a reward for her hard work by bringing her to NY, but it’s just a mess, and she can’t win. Taylor leaves to pack, and on her way out dramatically shouts that she’s “never coming back to New York ever!” So there!

Before she leaves, however, she’s going to have a night on the town with Brad, Makeup Gay, and Stylebear Jacobs. She tries on various going outfits with Makeup Gay, including a hot pink tube dress she says she bought for court. And by court she means all night coke orgies at MyHouse. Makeup Gay hates most of her outfits, and makes her wear a leopard print sausage casing instead. They meet up with Brad and Stylebear and head over to the party. Brad divas it up for the paparazzi outside before meeting the rest inside, where they all dance like idiots and have a grand old time.

The next morning, Taylor heads back to LA while Brad and Rachel meet with the ladies at Marchesa, who reeeeeeeeally want Rachel to use one of their dresses. Rachel thinks the dresses are gorge, but not for Anne at the Oscars. Sorry ladies!

Upon arriving in California, Taylor resumes her search for looks for the InStyle shoot. She’s well on her way when she gets an e-mail saying that the shoot is actually only going to be from the neck up, so it’s just going to be about hairstyles and jewelry. Needless to say, Taylor is super pissed, and wishes that Rachel had told her this from the get go so she didn't spend the last few days frantically looking for full looks. She says this is a prime example of the miscommunication rampant at Team Zoe.

Back in NYC, a swarm of stern-looking Armani reps arrive at Rachel’s hotel room with the potential modifications for Anne’s dress. They say they have two options for trains. The first one is fitted onto a model they brought with them in a suitcase. Rachel says it’s very pretty, like a fashion fairytale, but it looks like a sea of taffeta and she thinks it will overpower the dress. She shakes her head at the reps and says a firm “no.” Dramatic music plays and the reps continue looking very stern. “To be continued…” flashes across the screen.

It’s a cliffhanger folks! What will happen? Will Rachel use the second look? (Yes.) Will the reps from Armani fly into a limoncello-induced rage and strangle Rachel with their taffeta creation? Only time will tell.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: ATL vs. LA Deathmatch

This week’s episode opens on Lisa and Nene visiting “fab’rik” to go shopping for their trip to Los Angeles. What the hell is with the names of clothes stores in ATL, by the way? Fab’rik? Blue Genes? It's like someone issued a memo that every store in the city needs to have some half-baked play on words as it's title.

The ladies are very excited about visiting LA. Lisa because she’s visiting her family, NeNe because she gets to meet Lisa’s “granmama” and see her Asian side, since apparently biracial families are like giant squid to her. She’s heard tell of them, but never seen one alive.

NeNe wants to buy a gift for granmama. She suggests something sporty, Lisa reminds her that her grandmother is 93 and isn’t doing much sporting, unless by sporting she means shuffleboard and pooping herself. NeNe picks out some gold hoops so Granny Wu can let her hood side shine.

The girls try on clothes and coo “cuuuuuuute” at each other, having a grand old time until Lisa suddenly drops a big downerbomb by bringing up her recently departed brother Meho. Lisa’s relatives want her to visit his gravesite while she is in LA, but she’s not sure she wants to bring up those emotions. NeNe says she’s never been to her mother’s grave either because it’s scary. However, she assures Lisa that she’ll go with her for support.

Accross Atlanta Kandi is in the studio recording her new track. The song is about flying above all the haters, a very cutting edge topic in music which has never been done before. As promised from last week, Kim arrives with daughter Ariana in tow. The two women squeal at each other and hug. Kim’s squeal actually sounds more like the shriek of a falcon after it’s smoked 2 packs of Misty 120’s than that of a human being, but you know, potato potahto.

Kim confesses that this is the first time she’s been back in the studio since last season’s Tightrope debacle, which we get to painfully revisit via flashback. Thanks Bravo.

After everyone’s eardrums stop bleeding, Kandi and the Cigarette Falcon sit down for a chitchat. The two discover that their birthdays are OMG 2 days apart, making them both Tauruses (Tauri?), though I like to think Kim is a Ford Taurus, not the celestial bull. Either way, both women agree that they’re a lot alike, and marvel at the kismet that caused their two paths to converge.

Kandi reveals that she and Kim’s conversation at the King Tut traveling exhibit/mall tour inspired her to write her anti-hater anthem. See, Kim had told her that she had a lot of haters, and Ms. Buruss could relate since she too has a great deal of said haters. She sings the song for Kim, who is floored that she could inspire someone to write such a magnificent song after one meeting. Is there a female version of a bromance? Vagmance? Friendgina?

Kim brings up wanting to record with her new friendgina. Specifically, “Don’t be Tardy for the Party,” last season’s breakaway hit (which is now a full fledged music sensation). Kim tells Kandi that she’d love to record the song, and maybe have NeNe rap a verse as well. Kandi asks Kim to demo the song for her but Kim declines to preserve her beautiful whiskyvoice for later use. She says she’ll get back to her with a copy.

Meanwhile, NeNe meets with noted Atlanta photographer Derek Blanks to discuss doing an alter ego photoshoot, which are apparently all the rage in the ATL. An alter ego shoot, for all you N00Bz out there, is when a person photographs as two polar opposite characters and the two are edited together through the magic of Photoshop.

Derek asks if the rest of the housewives will be participating. NeNe, sensing an opportunity to command the other ladies like a blacker, more fabulous Mussolini, agrees to this immediately. The two brainstorm potential egos for everyone. Lisa’s will be the traditional good girl/bad girl, since NeNe senses she has a wild side. For Kim, right now NeNe is thinking fashiony slut and country singer. For herself, NeNe seductively tells us she is a housewife, but also a stripper, so that will be her shoot. So anway, that’s something to look forward to for next week!

NeNe heads over to the nail salon wearing gigantic sunglasses to meet Kim for a buff’n’bitch. Kim tells her to take them damn sunglasses off, but NeNe refuses since she’s just had a chemical peel so what lies beneath ain’t pretty.

NeNe lets Kim know about the alter ego shoot. NeNe has opted not to do the Whore/Cowboy juxtaposition for Kim. Instead, she’ll be doing blackface. Yes, Kim Zolciak will be doing blackface. God is good. Kim is a little uncomfortable with this, but NeNe tells her that she is a black girl in a white girl’s body so she’ll take to it like a duck to water. She’s even picked out a black name for her! Kim decides to roll with it, because hey, face time.

The conversation moves on to NeNe’s trip with Lisa, to which Kim gives an eye roll so big it’s basically a hair whip. NeNe says that she’s excited to see Lisa’s mysterious and strange Asian side and celebrate granmama’s 93rd birthday. Kim’s head explodes at the prospect of Lisa also living into her nineties. She picks up the pieces of her exploded head, puts them back together, and insincerely wishes NeNe a good trip.

LOS ANGELES TIME! NeNe and Lisa roll through Beverly Hills in a convertible. Lisa talks about how good it feels to be home and asks NeNe if she’s ready to meet her Asian side. NeNe says that she’s got a pair of chopsticks in her purse, so she’s good to go.

The girls roll up to their fancy digs at the Chamberlain Hotel, where NeNe requires assistance getting out of the car since her heels are to high and/or she’s too drunk off airplane booze to get out herself. On their way up to their room, the girls are accosted by a tipsy pocket gay who asks them for nail clippers (which is beyond weird). The ladies decline his creepy request but do invite him to margaritas on the roof at a later date. NeNe interviews that she is a gay magnet, so it’s not really a surprise that he would come up to them. I’d like to qualify that and say NeNe is a freakish gay magnet, since the only ones she seems to attract are walking Saw mask Dwight and this nail clipping fiend.

Back in Atlanta, Sheree is planning her upcoming fashion show over her usual cauldron of guacamole, which is apparently the only thing she ever eats. The show will be the an exlusive, invite-only ordeal. I swear, even these ladies fucking BM’s are exclusive invite-only affairs.

Like her Independence Party, the planning is being done gratis in exchange for publicity. Apparently learning nothing from that disaster, Sheree takes the free service and runs with it. She says it would be nice for Tiffany’s to furnish her jewelry for the party and to arrive in a Maybach. She would also like the power to control the weather, eternal youth, and a vagina that births solid gold babies. They had better not disappoint her.

3,000 miles away Lisa and NeNe go shopping on Rodeo Drive. NeNe comments that she feels uncomfortable since everyone there looks rich and clean, like they don’t need a bath. Apparently NeNe usually goes dumpster diving with hobos to get her fashions.

The ladies lunch, and NeNe weirdly calls everyone “dahling” and complains about people in LA being phony. She stops mid-sentence to shout that the wine they ordered is “some bullshit wine” and tells the waitress to bring them a couple of “Miss Thangs” instead. When the waitress is all “What the fuck is that?” NeNe says that it’s a margarita with some OJ. See! Bethenny Frankel isn’t the only housewife who can trademark a cocktail. Take your SkinnyGirl empire and shove it up your well-toned ass.

The Miss Thangs arrive and conversation moves on to Kim. Lisa is still upset that Kim has been telling everyone she is a crackwhore but would still like to have a sit-down with her. However, she can’t guarantee she won’t try to rip off her wig in the process. Sorry Lisa, Sheree beat you to it! You can rip off her merkin instead.

After lunch the ladies head to Inglewood for a visit with Lisa’s parents. Ever tactful, NeNe marvels out loud about how small and different the elderly couple look. After introductions, they have a very deep and serious chat about the complexities of being an interracial couple in predominantly black Inglewood that feels really out of place in this campy and ridiculous program.

Back in the ATL, Sheree is holding model castings for her upcoming fashion show. She says she’s looking for Kate Moss/ Naomi Campbell types. In Atlanta. With her budget. Good luck.

The event coordinator serves up a big pile of modelfail. Don’t get me wrong, Sheree is a diva monster, but even I can agree that these models are HORRIBLE. One girl even elicits an audible “aw hell no” from Ms. Whitfield. Needless to say, the ball is dropped, and Sheree demands that things turn up in the future.

Over in LA, it’s party time! Lisa and NeNe roll up to granmama’s retirement home for the birthday party. NeNe is shocked at the number of Asians at the party. Apparently, she didn't realize that when someone is half Asian that means that half of their family is Asian. NeNe very appropriately and politically correctly asks Lisa if she can speak “that language.”

Next, it’s time to meet Granmama! She’s barely lucid but has fabulous skin, which Lisa attributes to smearing Vaseline on her face daily. Here I thought that was just for hood chicks who were about to beat a bitch’s ass, but it’s also for tiny Chinese grandmothers who want to turn back the clock. Learning!

As the party draws to a close, NeNe pulls Lisa aside and breaks the news to her that she won’t be going to Meho’s grave. She just doesn’t feel comfortable, which is understandable since she’d never met the guy.

Across the nation, Kim and Kandi get lunch at a Claim Jumper knockoff called “Stony River.” Kandi orders something non-alcoholic and Kim orders a bottle of wine to her dome. The waiter begins to pour a taste for Kim but she yells that she doesn’t want any of that fancy shit and tells him to just pour pour pour pour pour. What a class act.

Kim proceeds to get hammered. After chucking a copy of “Don’t be Tardy For the Party” at Kandi’s head, Kim starts slurrily talking shit about the other ladies while Kandi mainly stays quiet and makes uncomfortable faces. When the topic moves to Lisa, Kim does another muppetesque full-body eye roll and mumbles about three dollar bills before vomiting all over the table and passing out in her steak’n’shrimp.

It’s serious time in Los Angeles as Lisa and her relatives visit Meho’s grave, which is sad. Everyone talks at the grave at once, saying how they miss him and there’s nobody who will replace him. Things start to get weird when Lisa’s brother Andre pulls out a flask and pours it over the grave rap video style. Lisa is less than pleased.

After the day’s emotional events, Lisa and NeNe decompress on the rooftop of their hotel. They agree that coming from rags to riches is great, but assure each other that they’re still real. Unlike Kim, who is a tickety tack trailer park mess.

Then, just as you thought the episode was drawing to a close, Clippers the Gay Leprechaun arrives on the scene, and everybody shrieks at each other. The three scream back and forth and make jokes about him fucking Lisa’s husband. He tells her that he has something she doesn’t have. In case we didn’t get his joke, he hammers the punch line into our heads, saying that sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don’t. The three release their banshee wails at eachother while we all collectively barf all over ourselves.

Coming up next week is NeNe’s alter ego photoshoot. This means we have lots of pictures of the ladies in whore clothes and Kim in blackface to look forward to. I for one cannot wait.