True Blood Recap: Maryann loves to bone cattle.

After a 2 goddamn week hiatus, things finally come to a head in Bon Temps. We pick up where we left off, with Tara and Eggs frantically making a nest for the giant egg in Sookie’s bed. Sookie tries to talk some sense into everyone, but zombie Lafayette interrupts her and commands her to get naked and put on a toga. Why do I get the feeling this isn’t the first time Lafayette has told somebody to do this?

Sookie is led downstairs where she sees Maryann in, horror of horrors, GRAN’S WEDDING DRESS! Grannie Stackhouse certainly was svelte in her marryin’ years. Maryann says that Sookie clearly isn't human, since her weird vibrofreak powers don’t work on her, so she asks her again what she is. Sookie awesomely replies “I’m a waitress. What the fuck are you?” I’m liking this new assertive, non-getting-captured-and-screaming version of Sookie. Let’s hope it sticks.

Over at the Fortenberry household, Hoyt is still trying to keep his mama from getting loose, employing a series of trip wires and booby traps to keep her from escaping like a more sinister version of Mousetrap.

Back at the wedding chapel from hell, Maryann exposits to Sookie (and by proxy to us) that tonight she is planning on marrying the bull-headed god so she can get her supernatural bestial freak on. But! In order to do so she needs to offer up Sam as a gift, and plans on using Sookie as bait.

We move on to Queen Sophie-Ann’s house, where she is still playing a seemingly unending game of Yahtzee, this time with the usual suspects plus Eric. After exchanging a few pleasantries, Sophie-Ann asks Eric how the eff Bill knew she was having him sell V for her. Shocker! So it’s Evan Rachel Whatever that is having Eric sell V? But why? Maybe that’s how she can afford such a ridiculous sex/blood draining/murder palace.

Anyway, she knocks over Eric and the two hiss at each other and fuck/fight. Sophie Ann does not want this secret getting out, and says that if Eric doesn’t do something she’ll wear his pearly Swedish fangs as clitoral jewelry. Eric says that he’ll take care of Bill. Personally. UGH! I know Eric is a fangirl/boy favorite, but am I the only one who’s seriously over him? I could care less about his weird little obsession with Sookie and their impending love-triangle, and I wish somebody would just kiiiiiill hiiiiiim already. But judging from the fact that he’s in like, all the books, it looks like he’s here to stay. Blarg.

At the weird Greek roofie orgy, Jason and Andy prepare to ride in guns blazing. Andy urges calm, but Jason says he can’t stand seeing the Stackhouse plantation defiled like that, and the two rush in. Unfortunately, Terry and his gang nab them pretty quick, and before we know it both go zombie-eyed like the rest of the town. So much for them saving the day

Inside, Sookie, Maryann, and the other maids of honor are engaging in some sort of bizarre Maenad bachelorette party wherein they all drink wine and lick the giant egg. We learn that unfortunately the egg is of the run-of-the-mill ostrich variety, and not some sort of harpy/gargoyle/demon ova. When it’s Sookie’s turn, she’s a little reluctant to get her lick on, but Maryann screams “LICK THE EGG!” at her, so she does. This shit is getting weirder by the second.

Zombie Jason bursts in telling Maryann that “the vessel” has arrived. Looks like it’s party time! They head outside to find Bill with Sam in tow. Bill proposes an exchange: he’ll give her Sam for Sookie. Even though Sookie is all “Beeeeeel! Nooooe! Beeeeel! Sayummmmm!” the exchange is made. Maryann puts the sexxxay egg into the middle of the totem and lashes Sam to it. Things aren't looking good for America’s favorite shape shifting bar and grill owner.

Zombie Eggs walks over, and without much hesitation stabs Sam with the special dagger a couple times, while Sookie continues to do her thing and screams. She runs to him, and is surprised when she reads his mind and hears him tell her to distract Maryann. Thinking on her toes, she pushes over the gigantic meat tree, sending Maryann into a tizzy. The maenad grows her crazy claws and chases Sookie into the woods, presumably to slash at her back again. Just as she’s about to, however, a gigantic white bull appears. Look’s like her man has arrived after all, though frankly I thought he was going to be like, a dude with horns, not a full on bull. Looks like things here are gonna get real Greek real fast (I’m talkin’ ‘bout bull fucking).

Maryann reaches out her hands and beckons her “husband” to embrace her. Instead of a hug however, the bull gives her a big ol’ horn to the chest, impaling her. Maryann says that she must be the sacrifice after all, and that she’s happy to die for her God. Right after she says this, the bull changes into…SAM! He awesomely has his hand in her chest, and rips out her gross black oily heart. Maryann is all “Is there no God?” and then Sam crushes her heart in his hand, turning her into a nasty mummy bride.

Looks like Bill and Sam had a clever plan this whole time. Sam really got stabbed, but while Sookie was distracting Maryann Bill gave him some of his blood to heal him. Clever!

Over at the Fortenberrys, Hoyt’s mama is back to normal. She says the last thing she remembers is meeting that dead redhead hussy, and then discovers the bite on her neck. Hoyt explains that Jessicca did bite her, but it was only because she got mad at the things she was saying about him, like the “lie” about his daddy. When his mama makes a face that’s all “Oh shit,” he realizes that she was telling the truth, and that his whole life up to now has been a lie. He storms out angrily and tells her he wished Jessica had finished her off.

Back at the house, the townspeople are no longer under Maryann’s zombie sex party spell, and are all wandering around saying “WTF dude?” Especially confused are Jane Bodehouse, who finds her chopped-off finger and Eggs, who is going all Lady Macbeth scrubbing the blood off his hands. Sookie tells everyone to go the hell home, and she and Bill head upstairs and spoon all lovey-dovey like. Blech!

The next day, everyone’s at Merlotte’s and seem to be back to normal, which is weird considering the bizarre shit that went down the night before. Arlene’s there with her kids, buying them all kinds of “I’m sorry” snacks, two ladies are exchanging conspiracy theories about Maryann and what she was, and town bicycle Jane Bodehouse is using her finger-reattachment story to get more tail.

In the kitchen, Sookie and Sam have a heart to heart. He tells her that he’s leaving, since he needs to figure some stuff out. Then, a mysterious present arrives for Sookie. She takes it into the office to open it, and turns out it’s a purdy purple drayuss and a note from Bill.

Sookie heads outside for a break, and is surprised by Eggs, who looks like he is playing charades and the word he was given was “distraught.” He tells her that he doesn’t remember what he did, and he needs her help to figure out what went on. She warns him that she’s not sure he wants to know, but he pushes her, so she does her weirdo-psychic magic and Eggs remembers all the people he stabbed and understandably freaks out. Sookie tries to talk him down by giving the frat-boy-rationalization of “you were blacked out bro! It doesn’t count!” This, understandably, doesn’t do much to calm his nerves, and he runs off.

Later that night Bill and Jessica are adorably father-daughter cutesy with each other, exchanging pleasantries. Bill says that he’ll be taking Sookie out for a fancy French dinner, and Jessica says she’s going to go apologize to Hoyt for their little incident. Awwwww, bonding!

Meanwhile, Sam shows up at where we learn is his Mom’s house for some answers. He tells her he’s not there for an apology; he just wants to know where to find his real parents. She ominously tells him that he doesn’t want to meet them, since they’re “bad people.” However, he finds his father in the other room, who appears to be at death’s door. He hands him a note with a name and an address along with a quickly scrawled “Sorry!”

We cut to an at first random shot at a gas station. But! The camera zooms into a big rig, where Jessica is getting all flirty with a trucker. WTF?! She tells him that she’s a virgin, which he says he kinda likes. She’s all “WELL I DON’T, PERV!” and bites his ass. I sense a Jessica-gone-wild plot arc for Season 3!

Back at Merlotte’s, Eggs surprises Andy Bellefleur in the parking lot (dude loves scaring people in parking lots), dagger in hand. He confesses to killing Ms. Jeanette and Daphne, and tells Andy to arrest him. Andy tries to talk him down, but he gets wilder and wilder, brandishing the knife at him. Thinking he’s seeing a murder in progress, Jason arrives and shoots Eggs in the head. Whoopsies! Andy grabs the gun and tells Jason to skedaddle, right before the rest of the people at Merlotte’s arrive. Andy tells them that Eggs was the murderer, and that he killed himself. Tara comes out and predictably freaks. Drama!

Across town, Bill and Sookie are having a romantic French dinner. Bill hands Sookie a gift of tickets to Vermont (the only state were human-vamp marriage is legal). In case Sookie has any doubts about what Bill is hinting at, he pulls out a ring and pops the question. Sookie has a cold feet freak-out, and Bill asks if this means she’s saying no. She says she doesn’t know what it means, and runs to the bathroom to cool her jets. She puts on the ring and smiles, realizing that she does want to marry Bill after all. Too bad while she’s doing this, Bill gets a silver chain to the neck with gloved hands. She runs out and says “YES! I’ll marry you!” Too bad Bill’s gone. CLIFFHANGER!

END SEASON 2. I know a lot of people were bellyachin’ about how this season wasn’t as good as Season 1, but I really enjoyed it, especially the Maryann plotline. Though, the cliffhanger was a little cheap, considering how long HBO takes between seasons for their shows. Maybe I’ll take up reading the books in the meantime to keep my anxieties at bay. COME BACK SOON TRUE BLOOD!

True Blood Recap: Sookie takes charge and discovers a giant demon egg.

The penultimate episode of season two opens on Vampire Queen Sophie-Anne feeding on the thighs of Sookie’s cousin Hadley. Those Stackhouses certainly love reckless behavior. Bill makes an “ahem” noise, and tells the queen that he needs help with his Maenad problem. She says she can help him out, but first he’s gotta chill for a while.

Back in Bon Temps, Hoyt is mighty mad at Jessica for biting his momma. Jessica says that she did it because of the nasty things she was saying about Hoyt, but Hoyt tells her that she’s his momma, so she’s allowed to. She realizes that maybe she effed up and starts to apologize, but Hoyt gathers up his batshit zombie-eyed mom and goes home in a huff.

Over at Lafayette’s, he, Sookie, and Lettie Mae are trying to keep a lid on Tara’s crazy. Even though they got rid of her zombie googly eyes, Tara is still dickmatized by Eggs, and is demanding that everyone let her go so she can save him. She also says a bunch of really mean things to all of them. Not entirely the best strategy to get released, in my opinion.

All three tell Tara she crazy, and they’re not going to let her go back to the Maenad orgy den. Lafayette pulls out a pair of fur handcuffs from his pocket and locks Tara to the coffee table to further prove this point. After hearing bacchanalia cries off in the distance, Lafayette grabs a rifle and heads to the porch to keep watch.

Over at Merlotte’s, after Sam finishes schooling Jason and Andy on Shapeshifter 101 they argue about how to solve a problem like Maryann. Jason and Andy want to go raid the police station and enact some country justice on her, but Sam tells them their plan is futile, since Maryann can’t be killed. Sam fails to convince them, and the two head for the sheriff’s station.

Back on his porch, Lafayette and Sookie have a heart to heart about their shared nasty blood-drinking induced sex dreams about Eric. Both find them very disturbing, since they are decidedly anti-Eric. His Viking vampire sex blood is just too powerful.

Lettie Mae bursts outside, sobbing and praying as always. She begs Lafayette and Sookie to take over Tara watch for her, since she’s getting really nasty and Lettie Mae simply can’t take it any more. After assuring Lafayette that she knows her way around a rifle from all the times she used to shoot cats for doing their business in her front yard (not joking), he hands her the gun. Which she immediately turns on them! Deception! See, Tara convinced Lettie Mae to help her escape, telling her she’ll forgive her for everything if she just lets her go. Since she’s so desperate for Tara’s love, Lettie Mae agrees, allowing Tara to steal Sookie’s car and hightail it to Maenad Manor.

Over at the sheriff’s station, Jason distracts the sexed up receptionist while Andy raids the gun cabinet. However, he’s interrupted mid-raid by a pantsless Sheriff Dearborn, wildly firing his gun in the air and square dancing all over the room. After indulging him in a dance for a hot minute, Andy wrestles the gun out of the sheriff’s hands, prompting the little man run off giggling into the dark.

At his house, Lafayette is having a PTSD freakout from having a gun pointed at him and hallucinates seeing Eric in the place of Lettie Mae, paisley dress and all. Needless to say, it’s REEEALLLLYYY weird. Sookie tells him to sack up and then launches a carved wood ashtray at Lettie Mae’s head. The two grab her gun and go after Tara in Lafayette’s fabuloisitymobile.

Meanwhile, Tara arrives at the Stackhouse home-cum-freak show to rescue Eggs. Her attempted prison break is interrupted when Maryann suddenly appears. Tara is all “you’re evil! We’re leaving!” and then Maryann is all “but you’re the one who summoned me” and then Tara’s all “whaaaa?” Apparently, that vision of herself as a little girl Tara saw during her “exorcism” was Maryann. Even though Miss Jeanette was a fake, the chanting and magic she was using was real. Or at least real enough to summon a hedonistic Greek sex freak like Maryann. If only she had known, Miss Jeanette could have partnered with Hustler and made a KILLING. Such a missed opportunity!

Maryann starts vibrating all over the place, but Tara says that shit doesn’t work on her anymore. However, apparently punches in the face do, as Maryann makes Tara revert to her former obsidian-eyed self by doing just that. She and Eggs giggle and run upstairs to bone.

The freakish townspeople burst into the house, excited to tell Maryann the good news about the god coming and smiting Sam. Maryann is pissed at how dumb everyone is, and makes a high pitched squeaking sound out of a mystery orifice to punish everyone. After they all flee in terror, she goes off in a huff to solve the problem herself.

On to the Fortenberry household, where Maxine is making what appears to be a potato chip cheese hot sauce snickers bar casserole for the God Who Comes. Apparently Dionysus is a huge stoner. Seriously, is it wrong that it looked kinda good? Hoyt tries to talk her down, but she counters his kindness with her usual assholity. She tells Hoyt he’s always prevented her from doing the things she wanted to do. She also lets him know that she thought his daddy was probably gay, and that she lied when she told him he died protecting the family from a robber. Apparently Hoyt’s dad actually shot himself. She goes on making her Cheech and Chong special while Hoyt cries naked in the shower while cutting himself (not really).

During an apparent lull in being hounded by zombie sex perverts, Sam heads over to Fangtasia to ask Eric for help. After being a total condescending dick, Eric agrees to help since he figures it’ll win him brownie points with Sookie. Eric bids everyone adieu and then shoots into the sky like a rocket. Apparently vampires can travel by ass cannon.

Back at Sophie-Anne’s casa de crazy, Bill is forced to drink the blood of a Latvian twink who offers to make the sex with him if he’d like. Bill politely refuses. Bill, Sophie-Anne, Mr. Gay Latvia 2009, and Sookie’s cousin Hadley move on to a game of Yahtzee. Bill reminds the Queen that he really must be leaving, after which she FINALLY gives him the information he came for.

She says that what Maryann really wants is for the God Who Comes to actually come and eat her alive, and not in the sexy-times way. The immortal Maenad actually wants to die. Ironic, huh? So, the only way for her to die is to get the god to actually come so she’ll let herself be killed. This seems easier said than done to me. The next episode has some serious ‘splainin to do.

Sophie-Anne gets word Eric has arrived, so Bill makes his exit. On the way out, the vampire frenemies flex at eachother and argue about who is more awesome. Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie or he’ll snitch to the Queen about his V side business. Well played, Mr. Compton.

Sookie and Lafayette arrive at the Stackhouse home and get ambushed by Terry and Arlene, who demand a hundred jillion gazillion dollars as a toll. Unable to pay, Lafayette offers them some ecstasy instead. Arlene is hesitant at first, since drugs are bad and just say no and stuff, but changes her mind when Terry tells her it makes sexytimes better. Lafayette distracts them by throwing out the E like chickenfeed while Sookie runs into the house.

While that’s going on, Andy and Jason arrive at the scene in Jason’s truck. Jason wonders whether Sam ever made it with a lady dog while he was in canine form. He then asks why Andy hates him. Andy tells him it’s because he thinks Jason has everything. After Jason reminds him that his parents are dead and his grandmother was murdered by his best friend, Andy realizes that both their lives are pretty shitty and the two make up.

On the other side of the house, Lafayette runs into Maryann and Karl while standing guard. He shoots her, but homegirl deflects the bullet off of her Kevlar Minotaur hands into Karl’s head, killing him. Maryann’s a little bummed, but then remembers Lafayette can also cook. Uh oh.

Inside the house, the Bon Tempians are cutting off their fingers and playing with intestines. Sookie gets near-raped by Mike Spencer in the exact same spot where her Gran died (creepy), but she gets out of it by bopping him on the head with a frying pan.

She heads upstairs to her room to find Tara and Eggs smashing all her cute crystal tchotchkes. She starts yelling at them, but then notices that there is a gross nest with a gigantic demon egg in the middle of her bed. Guys, she has sex there! So rude. She turns around to run, but is stopped by newly bezombied Lafayette. Sookie screams aaaaaaaaand- CREDITS! Waa waaaaaaa.

Seriously though, these weekly cliffhangers are getting mighty tiresome. See you again in TWO GODDAMNED WEEKS when all this is hopefully resolved in the season finale.