Aaaaaactually...

Ok guys, sorry, but I can't do it. I take back everything I said last week about The Real Housewives of Miami. What started in episode one as a promising mix of bitchiness and crazy revealed itself in episode two to be a dull mess. Strangely, these women are both incredibly boring and tremendously unlikable, which makes for a very unpleasurable TV watching experience. Even my beloved Adriana seems to be quickly flat-lining. Turns out she's sort of a needy unpleasant whiner. Sure, Marysol's mother is still amazing, but she's hardly on the show! I can't wait around with baited breath hoping for a glimpse of her gargoyle face!

So yeah, sorry (to all two of you), but I won't be recapping the show after all. I guess it's possible that I'll start again if it proves to be a sleeper hit later in the season, but I fear it'll turn into another DC Housewives disaster, and that's something I don't want to be a part of! I'd rather wait and return to recapping the OC ladies when they come back Sunday. THAT is how housewives should be done. Take note you Miami snoozebeasts!

Real Housewives of Miami: Welcome to the New Nightmare

Housewives! At every turn! Wherever you look: housewives. Under that rock: housewives! In the trees: housewives! Hiding under your front stoop: housewives! They're inescapable, they're everywhere!

Indeed, another gaggle of screaming ladies has birthed, fully formed out of Andy Cohen's head like so many be-boobed Athenas. I have to admit, I was a little skeptical about a Miami season when I first heard about it, since I feel like Miami as a reality show archetype has kind of been done to death. But! I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. These bitches crazy! Or at the very least, they promise to be entertaining TV, and I'm excited. Since the first episode was basically getting to meet everyone more than any kind of narrative drama, for this recap I'll just introduce our new gang of tropical harpies. Let's begin.

Lea
Lea is the Jill Zarin of this group. She's brassy, older, (possibly) Jewish. She’s also kind of a Vicki Gunvalson type too. She owns some sort of public relations business or event planning or something, it wasn't really clear. Point being, she throws parties for a living, and is VERY IMPORTANT. She kinda seems like a clinical narcissist to me. Well, I mean, all the various housewives are clinical narcissists to a certain extent, but Lea seems especially so, always talking about needing to be around important people and big movers and shakers and stuff and how she can smell money and status like it’s blood in the water (maybe she didn’t say that last part). There's also something a bit unstable about her that I can't put my finger on. Maybe it's the frazzled hair, or slightly over-applied make-up, but she seems like the type to have a psychotic break some day and burn down her house or something.

Other than that though! Lea seems to have pretty normal family life: husband who seems to be the same age as her, and normal-seeming son, although maybe not that normal, since they had a portrait commissioned off him and hung above the pool (?). And actually, no, she's not that normal at all! She met her husband when she was a juror and he was a lawyer in a trial in the 80's. So no, that's weird. She's a weirdo, just maybe hides it a bit better than other people.

Larsa
Larsa is made of noodles and covered in gravy. She is also married to Scottie Pippen, so she is probably loaded. That seems to be the major identifier of her, since other than that so far she’s pretty meh. She's got 4 kids, lives in Ft. Lauderdale (CHEATER! THAT IS NOT MIAMI! GET OFF THIS SHOW! CHEATER!), blah blah boring boring. At one point she shot guns with her brother and sister, so that was you know, something that happened. I dunno, right now I'm not into her. She seems boring and also maybe secretly mean in that passive-aggressive pretty girl way. Right now I'm not into her. We'll see though! Maybe she'll turn into a table-flipping mosnter, who knows!

Cristy
Cristy sucks. She just has that mean girl lilt in her voice that screams "I'm a bitch!" you know? Like she thinks she is amazing and the funniest and prettiest and best person ever, but she’s not. She's obviously going to be the one that stirs all the shit this season but not in a fun organic way. In an intentional way.

She was married to some sports star once, a while ago, and that seems to be all she's done so far. I don't think she works? Though I don't remember, she might have some sort of bullshit job. Mainly she sits around and bitchily sips mojitos with her friends and says backhanded statements while looking like a cut-rate Mary Louise Parker. Overall, I say blech, Cristy. Blech!

Alexia
Alexia describes herself as Barbie, but with a brain. She said something about how Barbie doesn't have a voice, but she has a voice, so she looks like Barbie, but you know, she's not ACTUALLY Barbie. It was kind of rambling, but yes, Alexia looks like a Barbie kinda. She is very fit and blonde and Cuban and owns some sort of Spanish-language lifestyle magazine or something. She has an older husband but is TOTALLY not self-conscious about it. Nope! Not at all! Some people might say that you know, she's a certain way because she looks a certain way, and her husband looks a certain way, but you know, she's not that certain way! Basically, she wants to say that she may seem like a gold digger, but she is so NOT a gold digger. Between the Barbie defense and the gold digger defense, Alexia seems a wee bit insecure, don't you think?

Let's see, Alexia also has two sons who she seems to have a pretty laissez-faire attitude towards. Her younger son seems ok, maybe a little aloof, but it's clear that her older 17 year old son is an idiot. (At one point he asks her what "grass fed" means.) He also wants to be a model/actor (of course he does), so Alexia lectures him about how he needs to eat well and work out compulsively and make sure to do his daily barfing exercises.

He also mentions drinking and getting bottle service at a club (again, he’s 17). Alexia does her best Amy Poehler in Mean Girls and is all "Well you know, Miami is a very international city, so kids drink here. I'd rather I know about it than not." She's also letting him go on a cruise with his girlfriend? That's weird right? I mean, look, far be it from me to judge peoples' parenting tactics, but maybe that's the point when one's mothering is a bit TOO loose, ya know? When your drink-loving son goes on a sexy cruise with his underage girlfriend, it’s maybe time to pull in the reins a little bit. So yeah, that was the main gist of Alexia.

Marysol
Whoo! Marysol has quite a face on her, doesn’t she? Everything all plumped and pulled and buffed and botoxed. She’s one of those ladies whose lips are so big that they hinder her ability to properly enunciate, though not quite as extreme as her mother (more on her in a minute). Like Lea, Marysol also owns some sort of PR-ish company in Miami, staffed entirely by young college-y girls who look like they stepped into PR after watching too many reality shows and episodes of Sex and the City. Marysol interviews that she is Miami through and through, and came up during the fabulous years, when Versace and Madonna lived there, and she “ran with that crowd” and it was fabulous. Why do I get the feeling that if you asked Madonna or Gianni Versace’s fabulous ghost who this big-lipped lady was they’d have no idea what you were talking about?

Anyway, Marysol is going through a big How Stella Got Her Groove Back phase after her husband left her a few years back, and now she dates all kinds of young menz. Right now she’s bonin’ some French dude named Jean Jacques Jorge or something and having herself a TIME. You go gurrrrrrl! Marysol is having so much fun getting her muthafuckin’ GROOVE on with her fine-ass French piece, she decides to go talk to her momma about it.

And, well let’s just get right to it. Marysol’s mother is a terrifying wine-swilling booze Jabba who lives in a boxy house that appears to be on the side of an interstate. Seriously, the woman looks nuts, all gigantic plastic surgery face with piercing beady owl eyes, swirling wine around and speaking crazyisms in her thick Cuban accent. I don’t really recall too much of what they talked about, since I was so transfixed by how insane the lady looked, but I think it was about Marysol’s sex life and how she should bring her French loverboy over because Marysol’s mother needs to feed on his lifeforce or something, I don’t know. Also, in a later episode she admits to being a witch (Or rather, “a weesh” as she says in her thick big lipped accent.) In short: I am obsessed. I DEMAND A SPINOFF!

Adriana
Last but not least, the greatest thing about this show: Adriana. Sure, I know it might not be a popular opinion, people might prefer some of the more boring cast members, or the more ogrish mothers, but to me it’s all about Adriana. Full disclosure: I sort of have a thing for Brazilians on reality TV. Marcia from Rock of Love: Bus, Rodiney from The A List, Camilla Alves, I just love them! Something about their cartoonish sexuality and equally cartoonish accents just makes me squeal with joy. So, that being said, Adriana is the best Brazilian person on TV ever. How do I even start? So she lives in a fabulous seaside palace with her boyfriend (?) and her son, eating fabulous hardboiled eggs and drinking fabulous orange juice, and just fabulousing all the goddamned time..

However! Lest you think her life is all fabulous egg-eating, she also owns an art gallery (YES). Apparently she studied at the Sorbonne in Paris, and then went to law school, and then realized that she loves art. So yeah, she owns an art gallery, which I like to think is full of only soft focus photos of herself nude. Makes sense, right?

But yeah, it’s really not even any one thing that makes her great, it’s more her joie de vivre, her childlike joy with which she approaches everything in her life. Like when she goes to the fashion show with Larsa and Cristy, and she’s all “WOOOOOW!” and “OH MAH GAAAAAH!” and “LOOOK AT HEEEEM!” at all the male models, like each one is something new and exciting that she hasn’t seen. If only we could all be as joyful as Adriana, the world would be a better place, don’t you think?


So yeah, that’s about it for the ladies. Other stuff happened, they had a dinner party and lazily cooked things, Adriana sexy danced with two guys, you know, the usual. I’m excited though! This season looks very bitchy, which is always a good descriptor for these broads. Although, it looks like at one point everyone gangs up on Adriana, so I may have to stop watching if that happens. It will be too painful. Nobody will hurt my delicate Amazon rose! NOBODY!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: "Siiing! SIIIIING!"

Hurray! Finally an episode that didn't revolve around Weavegate 2010. Kind of refreshing and not headsplosion-inducing, don't you think?

We start out with the Giudice family playing a game of Monopoly, which is kind of hilarious seeing as they kinda live their lives like one giant game of Monopoly, all reckless spending and soaring success that immediately dovetails into crippling bankruptcy.

During the “Monopoly game” (read: daughters screeching and climbing on things, the littlest ingesting several hotels like a tiny Italian Godzilla), Teresa brings up she and Joe’s impending 10 year anniversary. Not by saying something like “Wow, how great, I love you” or anything like that, but with “Hey girls! What should daddy buy me!” I love how the reason for their current financial situation becomes more and more clear which each episode this season.

Next, we pop over to Danielle, who is engaging in some reckless spending of her own! See, Christine, her daughter/supermodel/basket into which she puts all of her eggs hopes and dreams, is turning 16. This is a very momentous occasion, her living 16 years, and requires an extravagant party to celebrate. Christine seems pretty whatever about it, but Danielle is dead set, so this shit is going to happen! Don’t worry though, the party is “for charity.” It’s unclear exactly what this means though. Are they selling tickets? Are they going to donate money? Probably what they are going to do is the tried and true celebrity staple of “raising awareness,” wherein people have a “charity event” where all they do is talk about something serious, at some point. (I still remember an episode of LA Ink where Cat Von D had a concert to “raise awareness” for cancer.) Sigh.

Moving on! After a brief stop at Caroline’s for the requisite weekly “what are you going to do with Ashley” chat, Jacqueline and husband head over to the Giudice’s for some…quality time, maybe? I couldn’t really tell what it was, since they didn’t eat a meal or play a game or anything. They mainly just drank wine and then segregated themselves via sex. Jacqueline and Teresa chatted like monkeys about how Joe better buy her an expensive diamond for their anniversary, and the menfolk talked about how Joe has no money and Teresa is expecting something huge. Shit like this makes me glad I’m gay.

Next it’s off to the Manzo household, where Albie has some exciting news! Apparently he has decided to join the police academy while waiting to get back into law school…? He justifies this by saying that police academy is “basically like law school” and it’d be really helpful for him to know how to “think like a cop” when he is a lawyer. Yes. Being a cop is just like being a lawyer. Yes. More likely, it seems like he’s doing this for backup in case he doesn’t get back into law school, but whatevs. They made him shave his head, which looks good.

But enough of the Manzos! It’s time for a private concert at the Staub hive! You see, Christine is not the only talented Staubspawn. No! Turns out the other daughter, Jillian, is a very talented singer-songwriter, who has been “songwriting” for about 3 years now (since she was 8?). So, since she is this huge talented singer, she has decided, TOTALLY on her own, with NO prodding from her mother, to perform a song at the big super sweet sixteen. Danielle proceeds to go into the other room to check on her progress, and after much prodding, gets her daughter to sing a few bars before daughter breaks down into a puddle of tears. Yay parenting!

While Danielle creepily coaxes her daughter into submission, we zoom over to the Giudice’s for Teresa and Joe’s big Giudiceaversary! A spectacular celebration, starting in an oh-so-romantic mid 00’s SUV ride to a heliport followed by a champagne drenched 1 hour helicopter ride over Manhattan (“Ay, wassat big park in da centuh of da city?”). After the pilot boots them out of the chopper, they head to the final part of the evening: a fancyish dinner at a sorta-nice hotel almost in New York Cityyyyyy! Tres romantique! The two eat big stupid steaks and drink wine out of big stupid glasses in their big stupid room while being attended by a big stupid butler. During the dessert course, the big stupid waiter brings a big stupid cake for Teresa that has a big stupid diamond ring in it. Teresa coos and squawks and hoots and hollers, and then the two have big stupid guidosex. Happy 10th babyyyyyy!

With that done, it’s FINALLY time for the big SUPERRRR SWEEET SIXTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN! Everyone is all gussied up and ready for a good time. While her daughters get ready, Danielle greets all the entering tweens like they are her peers and mugs in front of the step-and-repeat. Yeah, there was a step-and-repeat at a fucking child’s birthday party. Terrible.

Also in attendance was Danielle’s ex-husband and father of her children who showed up with new wife in tow. The guy looked way more normal than I thought he would. For some reason I was expecting some sort of greasy slicked hair Persian dude or something. Danielle and her ex were surprisingly cordial to each other, considering Danielle’s track record for crazy. She did decide to wear the engagement ring he gave her though, which is kind of nuts. But, not as nuts as she could have gone, so kudos to her.

After all the guests have arrived and the tweens have finished surreptitiously drinking Boone’s Farm out of Gatorade bottles, the events begin in earnest! First, Christine is carried out on the shoulders of a large black man, presumably supposed to be her bouncer or something? I don’t know, it didn’t make much sense. Maybe they couldn’t afford the four shirtless men dressed like Egyptians that most terrible girls have at their Super Sweet Sixteens on MTV.

After Christine makes her entrance, she tells everyone to STFU because it’s time for her sister to sing her song! Jillian gets on stage and sings a little Hilary Duff-ish diddy about loving her sister and it was cute. Everyone cheers, and Danielle gets on stage and is all “LOOK AT MY DAUGHTERS! MY DAUGHTERS! MY DAUGHTERS!” like a more jovial version of Angelina Jolie in Changeling. I believe at some point she also calls herself “the best mother in the world.” Which, just…yeah, no.

And that’s it for this week. Jacqueline also yelled at her daughter at some point re: weavegate, but it’s to the point where that literally happens every episode, so it’s not even worth mentioning anymore. Next week it looks like the shit really hits the fan between Kim G and Danielle and there’s a big blowup at a restaurant (where else) and Kim G tells Danielle she has no friends and “fake square tits.” Yowza! Can’t wait for that weird messy train wreck.

TOODLES!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Danielle takes back the night.

Country Club Smackdown: The Aftermath. That is what this episode dealt with. That, and so much more. Let's begin, shall we?

This week's episode begins at the Giudice foreclosure palace, where Teresa is busy preening/torturing her daughters to make them all nice and pretty to go out with their daddy to... taekwondo practice. Yeah, I'm not an expert on martial arts, but this seems unnecessary. In fact, wouldn't all those barrettes in their hair be potentially dangerous if they got kicked upside the head?

Which is, in fact, what happens. Sure, it started out with some martial arts-y stuff, kicking and stretching and stuff, but by the end of the practice Gia was just tossing her sisters across the room and slamming their faces into the practice mat for fun. It looked more like that Girl Scout catfight from Airplane! than taekwondo to me, but maybe I just need to study Korea's national sport more closely.

Next, in a nice bit of editing, we move on to another child taking fighting lessons. Only this time, it's a child in the body of a fortysomething sociopathic ex-con. Yes, Danielle, Dark Lord of Staub-dor, is taking self defense classes to learn to fight back against Teresa and her taekwondo child soldiers. She even learns a specific defense tactic for when someone grabs your weave. Really! She did! Things start to get kind of weird when the trainer names his right and left hands "Teresa" and "Jacqueline," and Danielle starts wailing on them. Her daughters give eachother nervous looks, like "Oh jeez, here goes mom being nuts again." Oh the things those eyes have seen...

Across town, Teresa heads over to Posche to apologize to Kim D. for making a big scene at her fashion show. Kim D. says it's no big deal, since she wants as much screen time as she can get. As a peace offering, she hands Teresa a gigantic mimosa in a pimp goblet and the two rag on Danielle for a little bit and talk about how great a person Teresa is. She maintains that she was just being friendly, saying hello and calling Danielle a bitch, and Danielle totally is the one who went nuts on her. I mean, Teresa wasn't confrontational AT ALL. NOT AT ALL. NOT AT ALL YOU HEAR ME YOU FUCKIN' PROSTITUTION WHORE! ::gobletsmashcutkimsface::

Just as Teresa is starting to get comfortable, Kim G suspiciously shows up at Posche dressed in a bizarre Muppet-skin vest/ knit cap ensemble that was both age-inappropriate and just plain in-general inappropriate. She's all "I don't care who you are Teresa, you gotta control ya temper" and Teresa is like "Shut up you crazy bitch, I ain't got no effin tempuh!" before pulling a razorblade from her snake's nest hairdo and carving a gigantic "T" into Kim G's face. See, totally calm.

After a brief interlude where Ashley's boyfriend tells her she is stupid for being obsessed with a weathered sea hag like Danielle, it's back to Teresa, who goes with hubby Joe to check out a mysterious building on the other side of town. Turns out this building is a pizza parlor (?) and apartment complext that Joe owns? Random, and totally not suspicious at all. The pizza parlor is called "Papa Giuseppe's" or "Mama Celeste's" or something and has a hilarious Mario-esque Italian caricature as it's logo. After checking out the facilities, they head upstairs to look at the apartments. The whole time, Joe makes awkward half jokes about how they are going to have to move in there when they lose their house. Like "Heah's where youah gonna cook my dinnuh when we's gotta move out of ouah mansion. Heh heh heh. But seriously, ya betta learn how to cook on a hot plate. Heh heh heh. No really, we're gonna be homeless." Teresa gives a half-assed "Whaaa, naw, youah crazy, we ain't losin' ouah house" but you can tell she doesn't believe it. It's actually kinda sad.

On a different day, at a different cafe, Danielle meets Danny and his creepy silent friend for breakfast. They start out shootin' the shit about Danielle's beauty and elegance and skinny figure before falling back on the whole weave-pull incident. Danielle talks about how she just feels sorry for Ashley because she's only a child and she's not even mad or upset, she's just sorry, because she's only nineteen. At this point Danny and creep's eyes have glazed over and they're just like "Uh huh, uh huh. Yeah. Uh huh." Danielle goes on and says how she really should press charges against Ashley because she needs a wakeup call and to learn consequences for her actions. Danielle is such an amazing nurturer. She should get a humanitarian award.

On to Caroline's (she really needs to insert herself in more plotlines) for happier news. Things are looking up for Albie! He got his precious letter from Seton Hall! It was all "Hear ye! Hear ye! We at great Seton Hall do hearby declare Albinius Manzo to be not entirely retarded, and capable of studying the laws of this fair nation at another instution of lower prestige than our own." And everyone rejoiced! Well, Caroline was sad because it may mean Albie will have to go to a prestigious law school out of state, but overall she's still happy that her boy is going to keep on truckin'.

Next, it's backa to-a da bigga Giudice Pizzeria! Ayyyy! The whole Giudice clan shows up to make a biggga family pizzapie. Mostly, the three Giudice daughters screech like howler monkeys and throw dough and sauce everywhere and scream "MOZZARELLA! CHEESE!" Then Gia wraps the youngest one in a ball of dough and throws her into the oven like some sort of macabre calzone. Just kidding, that didn't actually happen...yet.

After that fun little interlude, it's back to Terrortown 24/7, as Danielle, Kim G, and her pack of old ladies (one of whom looks exactly like Gail from Sunset Daze) head down to the courthouse to officially PRESS CHARGES AGAINST ASHLEY! Dun dun duuuuuun! That girl is going to learn! She will be HELPED by Danielle! Danielle is going to help the shit out of her!

Danielle's lawyers ask her side of the story, and Danielle is all "Ashley told me that she was going to get me and that she would kill me and then cut off my head and crap down my neck!" The lawyer was like "Did you hear any of that?" to the old ladies, who responded "Well, uhhhhh, we heard some very loud noises! Very loud." So anyway, charges have been officially pressed. Watch out Ashley!

The next day, Kim G has the balls to jog-shuffle over to Jacqueline's house to "talk." Jacky Tabaccy is none-to-keen on letting the wheezing old crone into her home, but since it's cold she agrees. Once in the house, Kim whips out the morning's paper that has a full-color photo of her, Danielle, Gail, and the other lady walking out of the courthouse arm in arm splayed across the front page. Jacqueline tells Kim she thinks she's two-faced and is shocked that she would come over to her house when she was photographed with Danielle like some sort of "busted up Sex and the City" (HA!) Kim G says that duh, of course she's two faced, but she really is friends with Jacqueline! To prove it, she says she'll go to the hearing with Jacqueline instead of Danielle. Jacqueline questions the wisdom of betraying a known sociopath, but looks like Kim G. is dead set on as much screen time as possible, regardless of the boatload of wrath she is going to incur from the Staub Beast. Point is, this lady is really dumb.

That was basically it for this week. There was also a scene where Caroline and Jacqueline give a futile attempt to get Ashley to recognize her mistake, but it was unsuccessful and annoying, so I'm not going to go into it. Next week it looks like theres going to be some sort of confrontation between Jacqueline and Ashley. Or something. Honestly, I don't even know. This season really is a big pile of dog mess, isn't it? Blech.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Officer, arrest that coke whore!

Ugggggh! I need to start taking a Xanax before I watch this show or something, because these ladies seriously stress me out. The whole cycle of Danielle being unhinged and drama happening without any resolution or comeuppance is just too much to handle! Or at least, it's getting there, since I still watch, obvs.

We start this episode right where we left, with Teresa calling Danielle a bitch, and then Danielle being all “That’s e-fucking-nough!” which I have to admit is kind of amazing. I wish people would punctuate with “fucking” more often. “I’ll take the chicken to-fucking-stada, please.” “Yes, I would like the change the oil on my automo-fucking-bile. Thank you!” It adds a certain something, don’t you think?

Anyway, things escalate from there, Teresa starts bobbing her head giving the sass finger, and voices start to rise, but it’s still just yelling at this point. That is, until Danielle says that Teresa’s house is in foreclosure, and then BOOM, flip is switched. Apparently, Teresa hates being called poor even more than she hates being told to “pay attention.” The Medusa-tendriled banshee flies at Danielle, who in turn flees for the exit, since she can tell shit is starting to get real.

Danielle bounds down the hallway, Teresa stomping after her at breakneck speed, trampling and tossing any big-haired Jersey hausfrau that gets in her way. Along the way, both ladies volley the phrase “coke whore” back and forth like it’s going out of style. Eventually, Danielle makes it to the exit and hides in the bushes, a shaking mess with a broken Payless high heel. She shivers and cries about wanting to go home but not being able to move because her shoe is broken, which is really dumb. It’s not like she broke her foot. Just take the other shoe off and walk the 20 feet to your car! It’s not hard!

Eventually, Kim G and Danielle’s bodyguard/Eastern European gay porn star (right? Kind of a methier Bel Ami reject?) start to help Danielle out to the car, and it looks like things are starting to wind down when…YANK! A hand reaches into the rats nest atop Danielle’s head and gives it a strong pull, causing the insectoid beast to throw back her head and let out a painful howl into the night sky. At this point the bodyguard/Johan Paulik scoops up Danielle and bounds toward the Rentley as the wounded mantis softly sobs “Coke whore! Ashley! Coke whore! Arrest her!”

Safely inside the Rentley, Kim G tries to talk Danielle down. However, Danielle is beyond consoling, since Ashley pulled out a clump of her “real” hair. I put “real” in quotes there because everyone else says it wasn’t her real hair, just her weave. Danielle later holds up a clump of the alleged hair, which looks very synthetic to me, although I’m no fake hair expert. Andy Cohen should have had Kim Zolciak on “Watch What Happens Live” to determine it's authenticity.

But anyway, I digress. In the car, Danielle says she wants to leave, but in fact does not leave. They stay right there. At this point, Teresa decides to walk up to “talk” to Danielle, but is stopped by her bodyguards, who are all “This is a Bentley, and you’re approaching the Bentley, so you better step back.” Since she speaks the language of money, Teresa understands, and steps back.

(TANGENT: Maybe this is just because I live in LA so I see assholes showily driving them around all day, but would people stop acting like owning a Bentley is a big deal? People who own them are either a.) idiotic assholes who spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on an ugly car to show off that they have money or b.) idiotic assholes who are spending thousands of dollars renting an ugly car to look like they have money. Either way, you are an asshole. Just sayin’.)

At some point, Danielle decides that she’ll call the cops, because she wants them “all arrested,” presumably for the grave offence of weave-snatching, which is taken much more seriously in Franklin Lakes than it is in Atlanta. She calls up the cops and is like “This is Danielle Staub, and Teresa Giudice and Ashley tried to kill me” and the operator is like “Ma’am, shut the fuck up. We’re sending a team.” Well, she didn’t say that, but you can tell that’s what she was thinking

Eventually the cops arrive and take everybody’s statements. You can tell by the tone of their voices that they were not pleased to be doing this at all. Ashley tells them about how she only pulled Danielle’s weave, and not her real hair, so she didn’t technically touch her. Teresa‘s mob training kicks in and she is all “What? What happened? I don’t know?” After statements are taken and exasperated sighs are released, things die down and the cops tell everyone to go home.

The following day both sides circle the wagons and rehash their stories. At Danielle’s, the shaken and stirred mantis queen recounts her story to Danny, being all “I was just minding my own business, when suddenly Teresa maced me and kicked me in the vagina! I don’t know what happened!” At Caroline’s, Jacqueline and Teresa recount the story pretty much as it happened, and Caroline is all “I told you so. I TOLD YOU SO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!” while sternly sipping her tea.

Speaking of Caroline, looks like things maybe be looking up for Albie! Although he did get kicked out of his school for bad grades due to his learning disability, he is talking to a lawyer to see if they can get his law school to write a letter saying he can go to a different school, since apparently otherwise he’d have to wait two years. So, good for him! Even though I still suspect that some hard partying and shirking of studying responsibilities may have played a part in him getting poor grades, but whatever. Far be it for me to stand in the way of someone racking up a hundred thousand dollars of debt. This is America!

Later, Teresa recounts the Danielle drama again, this time to Joe. Through an elaborate pantomime, she goes over the events again, pretty much as they happened. She talks about Ashley’s weave pull, saying she did it because she thought Danielle had hit Jacqueline. Teresa says “It makes sense, I mean, if Danielle hit me, I think Gia would have done the same.”

This immediately made me picture Danielle running down a hallway, Teresa’s three daughters bounding after her, fangs bared, screeching like banshees. After some running, Danielle would turn around, and they would be gone! “Where did they go?” she’d think. Then she ‘d hear a scraping sound from above her. With a sinking feeling in her stomach, she’d look up, and see them crawling across the ceiling, mouths dripping with venom. And then, with an ear-piercing shriek, they would end her. Right there.

Ahem, anyway, Joe says Teresa did good, and they go off to presumably have big dumb guido sex.

Let’s see, what else of note happened… Oh! Some stuff with Jacqueline! First, Danielle gets a call from Sarai, her “energist” (not a real career), who “senses” Danielle is stressed out and suggests she let her call Jacqueline to work out the “negative energy.” More so though, I suspect the lady wanted to do this since she, like everyone else in Franklin Lakes, knows lashing your cart to Danielle’s crazy is a one way ticket to ostracism and ruin.

Either way, Sarai calls Jacqueline and is all “Ladies! Hands up! Let me see you shake your stuff!” Just kidding , she was like “I understand you have some negative energy, and for $4.99 a minute I’d be happy to remove it.” Jacqueline is all “Umm, k” and lets the lady hum at her over the phone or whatever it is she does, while she played games on her iPhone, which was kind of hilarious. It really is great how there is a whole cottage industry in Franklin Lakes of women selling snake oil to other women for outrageous sums. Seriously, you know how much those “energy” bracelets Dina buys cost? $100+ bucks each, that’s how much! Sigh…

Lastly, the other big scene with Jacqueline involved her confronting her terrible daughter about the weave pull heard ‘round the world. The jammies-clad women have a sit down and Jacqueline is all “You are a child! Why did you do you pull her weave?! She is crazy! She will chop off your head and eat your pituitary gland for this!” Ashley counters by being all, “Ugh, you’re lame mom. Way to take Danielle’s side over mine.” It goes on like this for a while, until Jacqueline’s husband comes home and lays down the law to Ashley, telling her to either stop acting like a oversized baby or get out of their house. Seems fair to me. I mean, really, either be an adult, and own up to the adult consequences of assaulting a crazed maniac, or sit down and shut up.

So that was about it for this episode. Oh, except there was that one scene where Kim G and Danielle got lunch and Kim ordered cheese fries, which I thought was hilarious. Miss “I’m so classy and I ride in a Bentley” lady eats cheese fries. HA!

But yeah, that’s it for this week. Next week it looks like Danielle takes up boxing? So she can beat up the other ladies? Yeah, I know, really weird. Until then, I bid all you coke whores adieu. You should all be arrested.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Nothing good ever happens at a fashion show.

Whew! This was perhaps the most uncomfortable RHONJ episode ever, but not in a good way. In a white-knuckle I-can’t-handle-this way. There’s just entirely TOO MUCH crazy going on with these bitches, and I can’t’ deal. I am not looking forward to next week, at all.

But before we get to the Posche fashion show/bloodbath, let’s start at the beginning, with Caroline. Caroline has a sad, because her babies are all grown adults who desire grownup things like makeup school degrees, law school, and stripper carwashes, and now that she is all alone in her big empty granite nest, she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

So, for the first stop on her odyssey of self discovery, she has lunch with 2 of her sisters (THERE ARE 11 TOTAL SIBLINGS!!!). One, named Cookie or Cupcake or Canola Oil or something, is the oldest sister, and the other the second to youngest (Dina is the youngest), and they all had that same face that everyone in that family has. They talked and chatted about kids growing up, and younger sister (forget her name) ordered a coke with a shot of red wine in it from the confused waiter. She said it was an Italian thing, but somehow I doubt that?

Anyway, they chat for a bit, and we move on to a different, more sinister lunch across town. This time, Jacqueline and Teresa are meeting with Kim D. The taller, skinnier, exponentially more bug-like of the Kims decided to call the ladies to lunch to invite them to the big fancy fashion show that she’ll be having for Posche, her tiny thimble-sized boutique. There will be fashions, and models, and dinner, and Danielle. Yes, Voldemort herself will also be invited to the party, but Kim assures the two ladies that it’ll just be a real light-hearted, fun affair, and they have nothing to worry about, but obviously that isn’t true, and the ladies know it. Not that that will stop them from going. Not at all.

Almost immediately, one of the Dark Lord’s many kitty cat-sweatered mom-ish minions informs her of Kim D’s grave offence, and she flies off the rails, zooming to Posche in her evil Range Raven with murder on the mind. She barges into the teeny boutique demanding to see Kim IMMEDIATELY. However, the lady at the counter is on the phone, and sort of bitchily does a “hold on a second” finger in the air thing. Danielle obviously cannot abide such a slight, so she storms out of the boutique screeching “YOU HAVE KIM CALL ME WHEN SHE GETS BAAAAAACK!” before disappearing in a puff of sulphur.

Eventually, Kim does come back, claiming she was just next door “paying the water bill” which seems weird, since who pays a water bill in person? Anyway, she calls the outraged Danielle back, and The Jersey Mantis comes swooping back into the salon. Sensing imminent danger, the front desk lady leaves the boutique before Danielle returns, living to see another day. Danielle talks to Kim about how RUDE her employee was and how UPSET she is. Kim says sawree and who cayuhs. The two hiss at each other like this for a few more minutes, but ultimately come to a shakey truce. For now.

Back at Manzo Manor, Caroline still haz a sad. This time to cure her sad she tries to convince her husband to retire, so she can have someone in the house besides her dogs. Husband does not want to retire, and loves working. Caroline’s sad remains.

Later, she overcomes her sad for a brief moment, long enough to head over to Jacqueline’s for some girl talk and syrupy dranks (I believe they called what they were drinking a “butter baby,” which, whatever is in it, sounds disgusting). Teresa is also there, and pretty soon it becomes evident that they only had Caroline over to get her opinion of the whole Posche Fashion Show thing. Caroline is obviously very much anti-this, since nothing good ever comes from 1) fashion shows or 2) Danielle. The ladies still decide that they’ll go though, cuz of contracts and all.

And so, the next day, it’s time for the dreaded event! First, Kim G arrives at Danielle’s in her Rentley, wearing a sparkly shirt, tights, heels, and no pants. Poor thing forgot to cover her chuckie! She rings Danielle’s novelty Halloween scream doorbell, and after a few minutes Danielle descends from her web in the rafters and lets her guest in. After debating which sexxxyboots to wear, Danielle finally decides on some thigh-high prostie boots and they head out.

While Danielle and Kim G are en route, Teresa and Jacqueline arrive at the party wearing matching fur vests. Kim D greets them, screeching about how happy she is to see them, and telling them that they are at her table, as honored guests.

They take their seats, and soon enough Danielle arrives, and she is placed at a different table, DIRECTLY FACING the guest of honor table. Danielle, again, cannot abide this slight, and freaks out again. This time, it’s by pretending she’s not interested in the fashion show, pretending to talk on her phone (“Paris Hilton taught me that.” Barf.), and talking shit on how terrible all the models are (Kim G points out that this is because none of them are professional models). Also, when Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley, who is one of the models, stomps down the runway, Danielle calls her a coke whore, which, umm, pot, meet kettle.

After the fashion show, everyone basically sits at their respective tables and stares at each other until Danielle decides she’s had enough and leaves. Curiously, suddenly Jacqueline notices that Teresa has gone missing. Where could she have gone? Where did she possib-oh shit. Oh shit, Teresa went to go cut Danielle’s brakelines!

Jacqueline, in a panic, runs out of the room to go stop Teresa. However, rather than finding her hunched under Danielle’s car with a set of wire cutters, Teresa is instead sitting calmly in the hallway. She says she is waiting for Danielle, to “say hello.” Jacqueline pleads with her to leave, but she doesn’t, and then it’s too late. Danielle and crew walk by, passing Teresa, who in turn yells her name.

Teresa starts out nice enough, making fake but pleasant small talk, asking about Danielle’s daughter and stuff. But then Teresa calls Danielle honey, and Danielle says “Don’t call me honey,” and then Teresa asks if “bitch” is better, and then Danielle says “That’s a e-fucking-nough” and then before we know it we are in a fight and it’s people screaming and things are happening. That was quick.

And with that, in typical Bravo style, the episode ends, dragging this fight out to next week. From the previews, it looks like Danielle cries, gets her weave pulled by Ashley Sheree Whitfield style, and the cops get called. The whole thing looks nuts, and we’re only halfway through the series. What the hell is going to happen at the finale?! I shudder to think.

Real Housewives of New Jersey One-Shot Recap

I was insanely busy this past week, so wasn't able to get my shit together to do a full recap of this past week's episode. Instead, I just captioned the below pic. I mean, not a whole lot happened last week anyway, right? Danielle got re-titted, Teresa had a dumb party, and the Kims are sad, desperate idiots. There, covered.



You know Kim totally does.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: In which Kim G loses her dignity.

Well, that certainly was an episode that happened. wasn't it? That’s basically what this show is, a series of things happening now, chugging along at a snail’s pace, clinging to the small semblance of a plot the show has. I mean, not like any of these Housewives shows ever HAD a plot to begin with, but they were at least more than “____is a bitch and I hate her.” Not saying I don’t like that, or I will stop watching. Just saying. Anyway, this episode, in a nutshell, was about Kim G scrambling up a stripper pole and failing spectacularly, falling with a thud to the floor. Sure, other stuff happened, but mainly that’s what this episode was about.

But before we get to that, let’s start at the beginning. We enter in media res as Dina and Danielle still valiantly do battle. Dina stays pretty calm and tries to outline her point about how she is done and is cutting Danielle out of her life. Danielle isn’t having any of this though, and starts rambling about the vast Manzo conspiracy against her. This leads Dina to call her crazy, which sends the Bug Queen off the RAILS! She’s all “DON’T YOU EVER CALL ME CRAZY! EVER! EVER!” and it was scary. So, sensing that the conversation wasn’t going anywhere, and not wanting to receive a spiky foreleg through her torso, Dina departs.

Immediately after Dina leaves, Danielle does a disturbingly fast 180 and calls her creeper posse (who as you may recall were creepily waiting in the parking lot) to come to her aid. She’s all “Everyoneee is so meeeeean to meeeee!” The look on creep leader Danny’s face shows that he’s clearly disappointed her didn’t get to shive anyone tonight. No, Danielle just wants to talk about how mean Dina was and how shaken she is. Yes, Danielle, that’s what these ex-convicts want to do. Talk to you about how Dina was mean. Sigh.

Now that that burbling nonsense storm has subsided, it’s time for the Manzo and Giudice clans to embark on some good clean down-home country fun! All the families pack up their younguns and head down to the local farm to play with some animals (or "Danielles" as both Jacqueline and Teresa maturely call them). So, everyone goes to the farm and gawks at the pigs (“Oh my gawd! Look how big theah boawls ah!”). While watching the womenfolk admire the pigballs, the men decide it’s time to initiate Ashley’s boyfriend Derek into the man clan by inviting him to a poker game. Derek agrees, seemingly not sensing the sinister plans they have in store for him.

Back in Hell, Danielle has lunch with her new “friends” to talk about her fight with Dina. I put “friends” in quotation marks because you know Danielle just picked random ladies outside the restaurant and was like “Hey! You’s wanna be on TV? You gotta just say yuh my friend!” Naturally, they all said yes, because they are idiots. So yeah, it was Danielle, the momish ladies in kittycat sweaters, and sad desperate Kim G.

At the lunch, Danielle relays a totally embellished version of the fight, where Dina is a crazy raving lunatic, and the ladies are all “Wow! She said that?” doing their best to pretend like they have any idea who or what Danielle is talking about. Then, Danielle whips out her granny glasses to read an e-mail she received from Dina, acting like she’s being all scandalous and reading a horrible e-mail that was meant to be private. Hilariously, Bravo then cuts to Dina reading the same letter in her confessional, and it’s very benign and just says that Dina is done, and Danielle is unstable. Danielle says she replied, very maturely, with “LOL whatever” which is what any mature 65 year old woman should say in an e-mail.

The next day, Kim G, probably sensing that Danielle is a crazyship sailing at full speed towards the edge of the world, randomly decides to have a sit down with Jacqueline to vent about her terrifying bug overlord. The ladies talk about the sick baby drama and the Ashley text message scandal. Kim G tries to play it off like she didn’t have a part of any of it even though there is video evidence to the contrary. She does know she’s on a TV show, right?

Meanwhile, at an old-timey Italian meat shop, the Menzos (see what I did there? Men+Manzo=Menzos! Ha!) plot the demise of Derek while buying nearly $600 worth of fancy salamis and prosciuttos. What will they have in store for him? A meat bludgeoning? Hanging from the rafters with a string of sausages? The suspense is killing me! Joe suggests they tie him to a tree in the woods and pull his pants down, and the other guys are like “Uhh, what?” Then Joe is like, “You know, to like, let the deer get him!” Yes, Joe…the "deer"…

Anyway, speaking of cured meats, next we head over to one of Danielle’s “friends” houses for some girl chat. The ladies talk for a little bit about things like dogs, and how if Danielle doesn’t find a man soon she is going to buy a Great Dane to have sex with. All the ladies giggle, and you can tell the hostess is all “Look at me! I’m on TV entertaining in my big house! I’m a star!” And then Danielle is all “It’s been hard for me to meet men ever since that video of me having gross bug sex got leaked.” Sorry, random Danielle friend, it’s not about you, and now your house has been sullied by the image of Danielle softly embracing her lover with her forelegs before viciously devouring his head.

So yeah, apparently Danielle had a sex tape with that gross guy she dated last season that he “secretly” filmed, even though if you’ve seen the stills, she is clearly mugging for the camera. How did this happen, you ask? Jacqueline interviews that Danielle said she thought he was just texting during sex, and not taping her. I love that she is totally fine with someone texting while they have sex, as if that’s normal bedroom behavior. Like, “Hey! What’reya up to? You’re not filming this, right?” “Nah! I’m just textin’!” “Oh! Ok. Let me mug for the camera some more then.”

It’s finally poker time over at Jacqueline’s house! The men all arrive and head to the basement while Jacqueline and Teresa serve them huge trays of meat (feminism!). Coincidentally, also present at the poker game is puffy old whatshisface, Danielle’s sex tape accomplice/attacker. Jacqueline gets wind of this, and while she’s no fan of Danielle anymore, she still thinks this guy’s a dick, so she pulls him aside and confronts him for being a slimeball. Although he is indeed a slimeball, he says that he didn’t secretly tape anything. Danielle taped herself masturbating and then sent it to him, which is why she wound up dropping the charges against him. She’s the one who made the tape. I'm not want to believe sleazeballs, but this seems entirely within Danielle’s character. Also, she was taped by TMZ or somebody bragging about how her tape will sell more than Kendra’s, which is suspicious. Also, the timing. So yeah, she can add “amateur pornographer” to her list of accomplishments.

With court adjourned and Derek finally arriving with Ashley in tow, the men start their poker game. This means it’s time for the devious prank! The horror! What will it be! I’m squeamish at the sight of blood so take it eas-...what? Sour wine? That’s it? That’s the big “initiation.” That’s the buildup?! Where's the hazing? The beatings? The tying-naked-to-a-tree? You guys suck. This party is lame.

(Oh, also that night Ashley gets into a fight with Jacqueline, but it’s over nothing and stupid, so I don’t want to talk about it. )

This brings us to the final event of the episode: “How Danielle Got Her Groove Back.” See, ever since Danielle was horribly violated by leaking her own sex tape to the press having her sex tape released without her consent, she’s having trouble feeling sexy. How will she remedy this, you ask? Why, by subjecting the Eastern European prostitutes she purchased her new friends to a series of sexxxy events! First, she takes them to watch her try on panties, and they all sit there and coo “Da! Eet ees very sexy!”

Despite the kind words, Danielle still can’t clear the cobwebs out of her sex hope chest (talkin’ about her ‘gina), so she moves for one last ditch effort: pole dancing. Yes, she gathers up her band of aging prostitutes fun flirty gal pals to go work the pole in the afternoon at a strip club. And this leads to the aforementioned highlight of this entire series: Kim G working the pole.

Clad in booty shorts and hooker boots, she tries her best to sex it up on the pole, scampering wildly, kicking her legs this way and that way. On the first try, she manages a creaky semi-circle around the pole before crashing to the ground, exposing her old lady butt in the process. After a faceless stripper humiliatingly pulls Kim G’s panties up and slaps her on the butt (I literally cannot believe I just wrote that sentence), she makes a second go. Again, she scrambles, legs flying wildly this way and that, a horrifying grimace crossing her face. At this point, another stripper comes in and literally tries to push her up the pole. Perhaps sensing how pathetic this whole display is, Kim G finally gives up, and everyone gives her pity applause. The whole scene is amazing, and just really a metaphor for Kim G’s entire presence on this show, isn’t it? One big scramble up the pole, failing miserably.

Finally, not to be upstaged by Kim G’s sad little display, Danielle takes the stage. She comes out all shy, being like “Oh, I don’t know! It’s been a while! I’m not going to be very good!” and then immediately does a series of topless backflips, removing an article of clothing with each rotation, finally falling into the splits, a barrage of ping pong balls going this way and that. Yeah, it’s been a while…sure. She says something gross about that being “how she got her first husband.” (Feminism!)

Oh! That actually wasn’t the final event of the episode. The FINAL final event is Dina officially announcing that she is leaving the show, since she is normal and sane and recognized that being constantly exposed to a crazy person is not healthy. So, good for her! This wasn’t a surprise at all, but I do have to say I’ll miss her. She’s always been my favorite housewife.

So! That’s that for this season. Looks like theres more Danielle dramz next week, as usual. I hope it’s something REALLY CRAZY. What do you think? (Answer: obviously)

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Tale of the Squaretit Grinch

Look at this! Posting a recap at the appropriate time, the morning after the show airs! Crazy, right? Also crazy: Danielle! Seriously, she was so nuts this week. Each episode of this show is 60 minutes of sheer on-edge terror.

Before we get to the Danielle Staub terror-du-jour though, let's talk about Teresa. This week, the Italian Dina Lohan hauled daughter Gia to an audition for a big time movie with current megasuperstar and worldwide heartthrob Christian Slater. Teresa interviews that Gia's acting career has stalled, but her modeling is on the up up up! Still, she wants her baby to be a Liza Minelli triple threat, so she keeps pushing her on the acting.

While Gia is in the other room doing a terrible audition, Teresa demonstrates how she is "so not a stage mom" by rattling off all the ways in which she is a stage mom as the other parents roll their eyes. Note to Teresa: if other stage parents find you to be too overbearing it may be time to re-evaluate.

Later, they learn the unfortunate news that Gia did not get the part, probably because she is a bad actress. However, presumably to not hurt the little girl's feelings, Gia's manager says it's because of her terrible Joisey accent. Teresa is all "Whaddya tawkin about? She ain't got no Joisey accent! Now I'm gonna go drink cuahfee wit da doawgs." Still, they send her off to a weird lady voice coach who looks like an adult baby. They humor her, but Teresa interviews that Gia doesn't think she needs to change her Jersey drawl, and neither does she. I mean, there's tons of roles out there for brassy New Jersey 9 year olds! It's as common a role as "spinster DA" or "black female judge!"

While that whole mess is going on, we move on to Jacqueline, who is having some nice alone girlytime getting her nails done. This seems to be the only form of entertainment available in Franklin Lakes besides causing scenes at cancer benefits and flipping tables, because that is all these ladies do during their downtime. Anyway, Jacky-Tabacky is just having a grand old time gossiping with her nail buffer person when who should show up at the salon totally spontaneously and not pre-staged at all but Kim G! That's right, the Kim G, the new Leia in the gold bikini to Danielle's Jabba.

Kim sits down in the chair right next to Jacqueline, who for her part is very outwardly friendly, though you can tell she's actually like "Awwwww shit." You can also tell that because she basically interviews as such. The two exchange brief pleasantries and then Kim immediately starts to unload about Danielle and crew's psychotic behavior at the sick baby fundraiser. Fortunately for Jacqueline, her baby starts crying from the other room so she is able to interrupt Kim briefly and attend to her child. Pretty soon though Kim is all "Hey! F your baby in the A, I'm tellin a story here!" and continues. She mentions wanting to bring the drama up with Danielle, and Jacqueline is all "LOLZ! Good luck!" because she knows that criticizing Danielle will only lead to you having hydrochloric acid poured on your face while you sleep. Though for Kim that might be a plus, since she's obviously no stranger to a chemical peel.

Ignoring Jacqueline's advice, Kim confronts Danielle that night while they are getting their hurr did for Danielle's 500th birthday bash. Although Kim only brings up the part about Danny calling Chris a faggot, Danielle predictably flies off the rails and gets hyperdefensive. She says that she thought Danny's use of that word was offensive, but didn't want to bring it up at the event, even though she flipped out last season when Teresa's husband called their dance instructor gay. She then crazily starts screaming "WELL SHAME ON THE MANZO'S FOR NOT BEING DOWN THERE AND PUTTING THEIR SON IN THAT POSITION!" completely missing the point that it's the use of the word "faggot" and not to whom it was said that is the issue. I honestly wonder whether she wilfully twists the facts of things, or if that's just something she subconsciously does. Serious Kelly Bensimon territory.

Things get even weirder when Kim G's mother (?) confronts Danielle about the comment as well. This causes Danielle to start crying about how she doesn't need people defending the dreaded Manzo clan on this, her thousandth birthday. Seeing the crazometer ratcheting up before their eyes, Kim Gs young and old back off and they all head back to the party where Danielle gives a bizarre toast to that seems like a veiled death threat. Scary stuff!

The next day things have gone back to normal between the two because Danielle has bigger fish to fry, fish by the name'a Ashley. Yes, JACQUELINE'S DAUGHTER Ashley. Apparently Ashley (that sounds like a failed sitcom: "Apparently Ashley, starring Brooke Sheilds, this fall on ABC"), did not like Danielle's behavior at the Brownstone and in retaliation sent her a facebook message that said something like "I hate you and I hope you burn in hell" or something. Upon receipt of this message, Danielle goes nuts, cursing to herself, pacing in her kitchen, the whole nine terrible yards.

Soon, Kim G shows up, cuz what else does she have to do, and Danielle unloads about the situation. Apparently this isn't the first online war she's had with Ashley. Turns out the girl has set up "hate sites" about Danielle and has been harrassing her for a while. This is bad. Not so much the sentiment about Danielle, because, yeah, she is crazy. But you do not engage the Danielle! You do not provoke the Danielle! She's like the demon in Paranormal Activity, acknowledging her only makes her stronger.

Later that day Teresa and Jacqueline have lunch, and at that point the situation has further spiraled out of control. Danielle has now begun going around town telling anyone who will listen about how Jacqueline's daughter personally went to her house and burned a cross on her lawn while screaming "Heil Hitler!" and tapdancing on an American flag. Jacqueline, understandably concerned, calls her daughter over to figure out the truth. Ashley tells her that she only told her to go to hell, and didn't mail antrax to Danielle's children. Regardless, Jacqueline upbraids her daughter and tells her to cut off all contact with She Who Shall Not Be Named.

That night, the Manzos have'a da bigga Italian'a dinner'a party, and everyone is invited (except the Mantis Queen, obviously). The whole Manzo clan is present, as well as Jacqueline and fam, and Teresa and Joe, who are an hour and a half late. Once the Giudices arrive, they all sit down and have a nice dinner, until Ashley foolishly brings up the Danielle Facebook dramz. Everyone yells at her for getting involved, but Ashely says that she only got involved because Danielle had messaged her saying she needs to loose weight. This prompted Ashley to respond, and I quote, "You need to fix your square tit and you look like a Grinch." HA! HAHAHAHAHA! OMG I LOL'd so hard at that one, and so did the entire table. Everyone was like "HAHA! Ahem, Ashley, that's HA a very bad HAHAHA thing to say AHAHAHAHASQUARETIT LOLZ!" Anyway, after a long venting session, they all vow to never speak of Danielle again. Yeah, that's gonna happen.

Missing from this family dinner is Dina, who instead decides to meet with the Squaretit Grinch to tell her she wants nothing to do with her. While I love the hell out of Dina, this seems a little weird. Why call up a person you have no contact with to tell them you want no contact with them? Seems odd.

Anyway, they agree to meet at some restaurant called "Chakra," just them, woman to woman, although Danielle has Danny sit in the parking lot in case I dunno, Dina tries to stab her or something. Dina sits down, and immediately gets to the point: Danielle was crazy, but Dina thought she could change. However, she actually can't change, and is still crazy and a cancer on society, so she wants nothing to do with her. Danielle, not one to take criticism like this, starts in on her whole "you Manzos hate me and I'm being persecuted" dog and pony show, and things start to get heated.

At which point the episode ends and Bravo is all "WATCH WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WEEK SUCKAS!" and Andy Cohen does a little victory dance on his money pile.

Next week we get the resolution of this fight and we also find out which housewife will be leaving the show in the SHOCKER. OF. THE. SEASON. I'm pretty sure it's going to be Dina, since she's barely been in the season and seems pretty over it. Good for her! Although being my favorite, I'm sad to see her go. Next week should be good!

In the meantime, you should read Dina and Danielle's blogs from the Bravo site. Dina's is AWESOME and Danielle's is characteristically nuts.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Sick baby shmick baby.

Return! Don't you love how comitted to this blog I am? Couple'a weeks here, couple there, yadda yadda. Continuity be damned! I can't be tied down to your western bourgeois conception of time! What exactly is a "week" anyway? Imperialist.

But yeah, sorry for skipping two weeks worth of episodes. Whoopsies! Basically, in the last 2 weeks Danielle's daughter walked in a fashion show and then barfed, Teresa shot another little princess out of her chuckie, and Danielle got invited to an event AT THE M-FING BROWNSTONE! AWWWWWWWWW SNAP! So yeah, that's where we're at today.

We open with Joe and Teresa heading home from the hospital with new baby Audriana, who they dote on and coo over while their (formerly) youngest id daughter climbs on the banisters, wild hair swinging in the air. Joe says he wants to keep pumpin' Teresa fully babies until a boy shoots out, but she says that she and her chuckie are done poppin out spicy Italian babysausages. She pleads with Joe to get "snipped," which I don't think he appreciates too much.

Meanwhile, in Mordor, Danielle's piercing Sauron mantiseye is searching all of Middle Earth for new friends, ultimately settling on a batty famewhore by the name of Kim G. Kim G, as you may recall, was at Danielle's "Look How Magical My Guts Are" party, and is also the best friend of Caroline's youngest son. Escandalo! Anyway the Dark Lord of Mordor invites her hapless new friend to accompany her to the sick baby benefit, since she doesn't want to go alone. Kim G. aggrees, cuz you know, face time.

Later, Caroline interviews that she and Kim G. are polite acquaintances due to their sons being friends, but they themselves are not friends. Also, she says that Kim invited her to lunch, but she declined because she knew she was friends of the Dreaded Mantis Queen, and therefore didn't want to get entangled in that and hurt their sons friendships. Which, seems reasonable to me, but I guess Kim G. is willing to destroy her son's life for a little slice of Z list reality "fame," so good for her.

Speaking of children and less than stellar parenting, across town Jacqueline meets with her failure of a daughter's boyfriend's mother. The ladies bond, and boyfriendmom tells Jacqueline that her daughter is great, and even cleans the house sometimes! She also assures her that they never let her drink, since she's underage. Then Jacks and boyfriendmom get drunk together and fall over over one another, to an uncomfortable degree. Seriously, they were like thiiiiiis close to making out.

Back at Giudice Junction, it's time for GIA'S NINTH BIRTHDAY! REJOICE FOR SHE IS NINE! Seriously though, since when has 9 been a big deal? It's a nothing birthday! But of course when you're little every birthday is a monumental event. Anyway, billions of screaming almost-tweens come over to the Giudice household, where outside Gia is presented with her gift: a Barbie-pink ATV. Seriously. She hops on that thing and hilariously starts zooming around the property at breakneck speed. It looked very very dangerous. I was on the edge. Of. My. Seat.

After the ATV overturns, Gia escaping mere seconds before it explodes Die Hard-style, the girls pile into a pink stretch limo that says "Sweet and Sassy" (barf) on it and head off to some megasalon where they all get done up and prettified. Teresa interviews that all her daughters are divas and not tomboys. Note to Teresa: divas are demanding bitches whom nobody likes and into whose chianti busboys furtively pee. They are not to be aspired to. Unless you are Beyonce, you cannot brag about being a diva.

The jovial tone of the episode doesn't last long. Dark clouds enter the skies over Franklin Lakes and the songbirds stop singing. The day of reckoning has arrived: THE SICK BABY FUNDRAISER! Kim G arrives in her (probably rented for TV) Bentley, complete with chauffeur, to pick up The Staubinator. Even though Kim says she's her homegirl and has Danielle's back, our gentile stinkblossom still feels unsafe, so her ex-con friend Danny whom we met last week hops into the limo, ready for a confrontation. He also mentions how he is just finishing up his parole, and is ready to crack some skulls. So, in short, totally appropriate guest to bring to a fundraiser for a baby with cancer. Well done, all. I think at this point, Kim G starts to reevaluate her new friendship.

Over at the Manzo fortress, Caroline, Jacqueline, and Teresa are having fun fun girlytime, sipping drinks and trading beauty secrets. Caroline's secret: she shaves her face every day. Every day. She shaves her face. Not making this up. Ok, I get it, some ladies are hairier than others, some require more maintenance, whatever, you can't control your genetics. However, what you can control is disclosing your genetics on a nationally broadcast television show. All I'm saying is, it's an easily kept secret, but maybe Caroline is taking the reality part of this really seriously.

After everyone laughs at Caroline for a little bit, the topic moves as usual to the dreaded Danielle. They toss around the usual insults ("slut," "whore," "psycho," "Nasty McBigbox") and question why she is showing up at the Brownstone. However, since she is "an invited guest," she will be treated as such. Am I the only one who thought it was funny how often they said "invited guest?" Like, they said it a TON. It sounds so medieval, like "I, Danielle, Dutchess of Staub-Mantisia, am an honored guest at Brownstone Manor, and shall be treated accordingly!" I dunno, it was weird.

Over at said manor, Danielle and her crew have arrived! They pull up to the Brownstone in their Rentley (ZING) with much flair. Chris, the youngest Manzo, is doing valet duty. Having been instructed by his mother to "not engage," he avoids Danielle. However, she walks up to him, shakes his hand, and says thanks for having her. He responds politely. For a minute we're all like "Hey wow! Danielle isn't such a horrible sociopathic monster after all!" But then she interviews that the greeting was meant as a coded "fuck you" to the Manzos, and we're reminded that she is indeed a sociopathic monster. Oh well.

Oh! Also showing up at the Brownstone at that time is the TEAM OF HELLS ANGELS Danny hired as added protection. So, to recap, Danielle brought Kim G, ex-con Danny, and a team of Hells Angels. To a sick baby fundraiser. Without paying. Class. Act.

Danielle interviews that since she is an HONORED GUEST (again with the honored guest stuff!), she should be allowed to bring whomever she deems appropriate. The Manzos will pay for such slighting of the Sick Baby Jubilee's Honored Guest!

So anyway, they enter, and there isn't space to fit Danielle's 20 deep crew, because, you know, they weren't invited and didn't RSVP. Danielle says that this was a fully intended slap in the face from the Manzos, because they are psychic and have her body bugged, so they should have known she'd be bringing her swarthy band of escaped convicts.

The "slight" also causes Danny to go off the rails, pacing around, yelling at caterers and dropping f-bombs and threatening to kill everyone in the building. Seriously, at one point he asks Danielle what he should do, and she just says "I don't care, just don't hurt the child's family," basically authorizing her band of maniacs to rough up the attendees of a cancer baby benefit. Again: class act.

Even though the Brownstone staff accomodates her ridiculous demands and set up a table for her entourage, she is not satisfied, and says that she wants to leave "with dignity." Ummm, I think you lost your dignity when you brought a gang of Hells Angels to the benefit, sorry.

So, in order to preserve her dubious dignity, she and her crew leave the benefit, but not before Danny threatens the staff a little bit more and yells about the Manzo's being punks. As they leave, Danielle tells everyone that they were kicked out of the event, even though the episode clearly shows that she left of her own volition. Though, they should have been kicked out for real for you know, threatining to kill everyone in the building. Sigh...

Anyway, Danielle et al pull off in their pumpkin coach and the episode draws to an end. What a crazy chapter of this epic Jersey ballad! It's always amazing how huge of a disconnect there is between Danielle's actions and her memory of the events. She is fast becoming the Kelly Bensimon of RHONJ. But whatever, I'm glad the dramz is finally starting to pick up on this season! Next episode has a big blowout between Dina and Danielle, which should be pretty entertaining.

Until then, I leave you with this article about how Teresa and Joe owe 11 million dollars and their house is being foreclosed upon. Merry Christmas!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: In which Danielle does an hour-long mash-up of "Mommie Dearest" and "Gypsy."

Week two! The Deuce! Two episodes into the second season of RHONJ, and shit hyst keeps getting better. We got mother-daughter fights, mother-daughter bonding, mother projecting all her hopes, dreams, and unrealized ambitions onto daughter, and brother-brother-sister ham fights. What the eff more could you want?!

We start this week's episode with Danielle, who is showing off her dilapidated hive to her real estate agent and "good friend." Honestly, I think to qualify as one of Danielle's "good friends" you just have to have a pulse and the resolve to look her in the eyes without bursting into tears and crapping your pants. Other "good friends" of Danielle: Carlos the grocery store bag boy, Sharon at the highway toll booth, and Patches, the hobo outside Walgreens who carries his feces around with him in a mason jar.

Anyway, Danielle shows off her crumbling manse, pointing out the faulty wiring, peeling wood panels, small electrical fires, and her most prized posession: her bidet. Seriously, she was all "this is the bidet, which I think is very very important." She went on and on, and I kept barfing and barfing. Later, they sit down, and Danielle starts crying and over-sharing to the real estate agent until she winds up hanging herself with a loose electrical wire, and then Danielle just continues talking to her corpse.

Once we leave Grey Gardens 2: Franklin Lakes, it’s off to lunch with Jackée, Teresa, and Caroline, where they talk about how Teresa is late all the time before setting their sights on poor Jacks. The whole Danielle ex-friendship thing is still a big deal, apparently, and both push her to give up the goat (literally. Danielle is a goat). Jacquee, kind, simple soul that she is, says she's still going to be cordial, and Caroline tells her she smells like trash, or something to that effect. Poor Jacqueline. Oh, and Caroline also says that Danielle's children have had their souls stolen by their demon mother.

Once Caroline and Teresa finish devouring Jacqueline with a side of red sauce, it's off to the Manzo household for the best scene of the night. The Manzospawn Three are caught in media res playing the famed Ham Game. What is the Ham Game, you ask? Why, it's the game where people take ham out of the fridge, and fling it at each other and all over the house. There was ham on people’s faces, ham on the cabinets, ham on the walls, ham on the ham, ham EVERYWHERE. It was like the aftermath of some sort of weird porno.

So, the kids are having a grand old time hamming one-another until Caroline comes home, at which point they all freeze in terror, knowing their mother’s extreme dislike of the Ham Game. Caroline knows all there is to know about the Ham Game. There is nothing good that can come from the Ham Game, she says. Nothing. The kids try to suggest that she buy cheap ham just for throwing, but she is adamant: No ham game, so they give up the goat (what is Danielle doing at the Manzos in the first place?), and we move on. Ham Game!

Next, it’s back to Danielle’s Zerg Lair, where she has exciting news to deliver to her dead-eyed daughter Christine: IMG Models wants to siiiiign heeeeeer! Danielle goes on and on about how great this is, and the daughter is like “Oh, cool. Yeah, that sounds fun” in her zombie voice. Seriously, more dead-eyed than the Kardashians.

So, the two head off to New York City for Christine’s big fashion shoot, and it’s with Noted Fashion Photographer (and Kelly Bensimon ex) Gilles Bensimon. Christine stands in front of the camera with her deep-sea stare and Danielle watches, loudly saying how beeeeeaaautifuuuul and goooooorgeous everything is, feeling free to get her Gypsy on. At the end of the shoot she weasels herself into the shoot, being all “Oh, what? Me? Take a photo? I simply couldn’t.” before immediately finding the light and mugging for the camera.

Also there was a woman there named Brandusa, presumably the terrifying Greek patron god of healthy digestion. This fact is inconsequential, but I had to point out ahat a dumb name that is.

Not to be upstaged, Teresa and her daughter Gia head to a local Jersey PR company to try out for a fashion show. Teresa is proud of her daughter, who is uncomfortably good at the whole pageant talk thing. However, Danielle interviews that she doesn’t see Gia being a model, since she’s not even 4 feet. Which would be a valid criticism if the girl wasn’t 7 years old, you psycho.

But anyway, the audition goes well, and she winds up getting the part, hopefully setting the stage for a bitchy walk off between the daughters in the next episode.

Over at Sad Clown Hollow (aka Jacqueline’s house), she, Teresa, Dina, and Caroline are talking about babies and such. Not much of note happens, but they do talk for an uncomfortably long time about how one’s “chuckie” gets puffy during pregnancy and/or after prolonged lovemaking. They would keep talking about this fact, but Jackie’s baby starts crying and barfing, presumably from all the puffychuckies.

Meanwhile, Danielle is busily planning a congratulatory party for Christine’s success, to which neither Christine nor any of her friends are invited. Yeah, see, by congratulatory party, I meant “I’m Danielle look at me” party. Seriously, that’s pretty indefensible, right? I mean, I know there’s editing and stuff, but how is there a good angle to having a party for your daughter that she’s not invited to?

Anyway, Danielle extends an invitation to both Dina and Jacqueline, who politely decline because they aren’t particularly fond mantis cuisine. However, the next day at the party, we see that Danielle left chairs for them anyway so she has an opportunity to talk shit on them to her other “friends,” who were mainly people we had never seen and then Kim the Mantis. As custom when around other she-mantids, Danielle makes Kim and the other ladies swear their allegiance to her before they can leave. Apparently, there’s been rumors that a few of them were also friends with the dreaded Caroline Manzo. Danielle cannot abide by this, and to quell her fury, the ladies link mandibles in a circle, and their allegiance is sworn. For now.

And that was that! Until next time, friends, when Danielle jealously pushes Gia down the stairs before her fashion show, sealing Christine’s fate as the new star of “Goddess.” Can’t wait!

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Danielle is Terrifying

Helloooooo! Yes, it's me, Odysseus, Back from the seas! As you've probably noticed (all 2 of you), I kinda stopped recapping RHONY. It was fun at first, but this season is kinda lackluster, and other sites recap it better way than I ever could. So, I decided to take a breaksy-waksey.

BUT! With the return of these Jersey broads, I too return. Cuz seriously, how could I not? These ladies are amazing, and have quickly become my favorite series of the franchise. I think it's because they are all so real-seeming while simultaneously being the most insane too. A good combination that the other Real Housewives lack. So anyway, let's get started!

This season's marble and onyx curtain opens on Jacqueline. Formerly sad, barren Jackywacks is now beaming and fecund, having birthed her new baby boy into the world. While we weren't privy to the actual birth like that episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians where Kourtney unenthusiastically pulls her own baby out of her body, we do get to see the afterglow. Caroline and family come to visit and coo over the baby, and the whole thing is admittedly very heartwarming. Caroline remarks that the baby has helped to heal wounds from last season's explosion. "Babies: Putting a band-aid over a much larger and more serious emotional wound since the dawn of time (TM)."

Speaking of Caroline, next it's off to the Big Apple to buy a suit for her newly small apple-sized husband. Apparently a doctor had told him that if he didn't cut back on the calzones his heart and entire torso were going to explode like that scene from Monty Python and the Meaning of Life. So, he let his new life begin, called 1-800-GET-SLIM, and got the LAP-BAND. Now he is svelte and ready to...melt? Yeah, nothing sexy rhymes with "svelte." Anyway, he looks good, and Caroline was happy. As Andy Cohen would say, mazel!

Next, it's on to Danielle. Terrifying, heart palpitation-inducing Danielle. Seriously, each time she appeared on the screen I got a bout of nervous diarrhea (although not for three weeks like she said she had last season). The evil she-mantis and her two mindblowingly normal and level-headed children go clothes shopping at some bizarre boutique called "Posche," which I thought was "Porsche" for a good half of the episode. The store, decorated like a Spirit Halloween Superstore, is staffed by another puffy lipped Jerseymantis by the name of Kim. She and Danielle excitedly say hello by rubbing their spiked forelegs together in the traditional mantis greeting and exchange pleasantries. Looks like these two have become close over the past year. So close, in fact, that when Kim's mantismother was sick, Danielle was the first to come by and bring her a heaping bowl of aphids.

Once Danielle purchases some clothes and lays a fresh ootheca in the dressing room, it's off to the salon to have her face shellacked and re-sanded! Not much happens here, other than Danielle oversharing to her other BFF/beautician about Dina and how much she hates her. Danielle casts all kinds of shade, saying that Dina used to be a beautician, "stocking shelves and doing nails." How shameful! Nothing like the ever so refined and classy way Danielle spent her youth, stripping and getting arrested. Not at all.

About that Dina! Not much happened with her this episode. She seems like she might be laying low and staying out of the fray more this season. We see her at home alone, talking to and about her cats, which I guess in retrospect was a little strange. But, girl looks GREAT. She is still my favorite, so pretty and quick with the one liners and f-bombs. She seems like she'd be fun to go to a bar with or something. In fact, she is officially invited to my fantasy dinner party with Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Pandora Boxx. Maybe I'll make red sauce...

WHICH IS WHAT TERESA WAS DOING! (Yes! Suck on that segue y'all!) The whole Giudice clan: a very pregnant Teresa, Joe, their grownup-faced children, Teresa's very very Italian parents, Joe's very Italian mother, and the Giudice babysitter all got together to make a gigantic batch of a-redda-saucea for-a da pasta. For some reason, I love how Italian Teresa is. Like, not in a make a dress out of the Italian flag and wear 6 Bumpits sort of way, but a speak Italian and make red sauce way. I dunno, the whole thing was cute. Except for the part where Teresa and her father asked the babysitter if she was having her period. That was weird and gross. Apparently according to Italian tradition, being on your period while making red sauce will spoil the tomatoes. On her blog Teresa says you can learn more about why in her cookbook, but honestly I'm good. I don't need more details. Really.

Something I would like more details about, though, is the $1000 a plate benefit Caroline threw for the sheriff at her home. Not the sheriff's office or a cause they support, but the sheriff himself. Strange, no? But anyway, Manzos one and all threw a big benefit, and everyone was invited. Everyone except for fearsome post-copulation lover-ingesting Danielle. Ms. Staub was sure to mention several times that she could "care less" whether she was invited, and didn't care at all, and didn't even want to go, and then proceeded to drive to Caroline's house, children in tow, to circle the place and throw molotov cocktails through her windows. She's all "I don't care, I really don't care at all. Not one iota. Honey, could you pass momma the pigs head from the backseat? Thanks." Ultimately, Danielle's children managed to convince her to call off her stalking mission after they basically told her she looked so crazy right now and it wasn't going to end in her favor. Again, how did these two wind up being so normal? It boggles the mind.

Meanwhile, at the party, everyone was blissfully unaware of how close they all came to being engulfed in a blazing inferno of hellfire and were making merry and getting super drunk. Naturally, the topic quickly moved to Danielle, and Kim from Posche (why was she there? Is she going to join the cast? I hope not.) and her husband join in on the fun. Both of them are like blackout-level drunk at that point and say all kinds of mean stuff about Danielle. Kim's all "Aannndyeah, shess a ssssmellybitch. And thossss aphhhhhids she gave my mom were dissssssssgustin." So much for that friendship! She better watch out. She of all people should know that mantids have no qualms eating their own kind. None at all.

So yeah, that was that for the premiere! What did you think? I LOVED IT. I really forgot how enjoyable these ladies are. Right now, I think my ranking for Real Housewives series is like this, from best to worst: NJ, OC, NY, ATL.

Really though, I can't wait for this season to unfold. The previews promise plenty of catfights, cursing, and apparently a fight between Danielle and Jacqueline. I CAN'T WAIT!

P.S. PLEASE read Danielle's blog on the Bravo site. It is INSANE. Bitch is out for blood.

Real Housewives of NYC Recap: "I will not be IGNORED, Bethenny!"

Seriously, these ladies are out of control! This week we saw even more fights than the last, and they were way more explosive. Someone needs to rein them all in before shots are fired!

We started the episode at Chez Skinnybooze, where Bethenny and her assistant/BFF discuss a recent article in the New York Post that says Bethenny has no friends, and she wasn't invited to LuAnn's Ungaro party, Jill's Saks Fifth Avenue Party, the Perez Hilton Party, or Little Billy Miller's batting cages 6th birthday party. These women are children.

Anyway, Bethenny suspects Jill planted the story, since it mentioned several events that only Jill and a few other people would know about. Nice detective work! This theory was further proven by the article's companion blind item, "Which Red-Headed NYC Housewife/Jewish Beauty is the Greatest Woman on the Face of the Planet?"

While Bethenny fumes, stomps her feet, and beats her chest, Kelly is busy fawning and drooling over a reporter from Playboy sent to interview her. Kelly gets all goo-goo eyed and giggles like a semi-retarded little girl, but interviews that she acted all cool and sexy and shit. I would love to see the world through her eyes, just for a day. What a wonderful place it must be! Everyone loving you, being obsessed with you, thinking you're great, thinking you're totally fun and whimsical for jogging in the middle of the street. What a life! However, she must not have been acting too dumb, since the guy asks for her digits at the end.

Next, it's off to the faraway Hamptons where LuAnn and daughter Victoria share an intimate moment. Victoria is drawing a shoe, and LuAnn goes "What is that? A shoe? Ya drawin shoes?" Victoria says she is, and LuAnn replies "Well maybe I should setcha up with one of those internships. Maybe at Catherine Malandrino or something. I know her." To this Victoria unenthusiastically replies "Yeah...I guess." Yeah, I know, how boring, right? Being handed an internship at a big name designer even though the most fashion stuff you've done is draw shoes on paper. How goddamned boring. It's not like people scratch and claw people's eyes out for an opportunity like that or anything.

So yeah, they chat a bit more about how they miss the city and are bored, and then it's off to Cipriani (Bravo must have a sponsorship from them or something for how often they show that place), where Alex arranges a meeting of the minds to plan for the oh-so-prestigious Brooklyn Fashion Week(end). You see, in addition to the regular New York Fashion Week, apparently Brooklyn has a weekend where they trot out people who make clothes out of plastic bags or coke bottles or something. And, being as Alex and Simon are the co-reigning Queens of Brooklyn, they are naturally on the planning committee.

Also present to plan this mess are Dobby the Day Gay, Ramona, Kelly, and Bethenny. Before they get to business, Bethenny brings up the NYP article, and says that she thinks it was Jill who planted it. This causes Kelly to launch into a non-sequitor tirade about how mean Bethenny was to her last season, even though they had just called a truce. Bethenny and Kelly fly into a big heated fight, yelling at each other until Alex flips her wig and screams "STOP RUINING THIS! THIS IS ABOUT ME! AND BROOKLYN! ALEX! BROOKLYN! QUEEN! STOP!"

So the storm abates for a minute, and the ragtag band of Brooklyn designers begin to file in. The designers show off their wares, being all "This is a corset made out of Otter Pop wrappers!" or "This is a skirt I made entirely out of banana peels and apple cores!" Which is to say, the designs were terrible, and the ladies shit all over them.

However, eventually they find a designer who is actually decent, and the ladies all agree to pick him. Alex and Ramona bound off to try on dresses, leaving Kelly and Bethenny to hash things out, which they ultimately do, calling yet another dubious "truce." Then, Ramona returns to the table and tries to pull a Catherine Trammell, unzipping the bottom of her dress so her cooter almost comes out.

Once her work is done there, Ramona moves on to lunch with her weirdo friend Zorba or whatever her name was. There, Ramona opens up about how her father was a violent jerk who hit her mom and would break shit and stuff, and breaks down into tears. Sad. That does explain why Ramona is so crazy all the time. But, yeah, humanizing. A window in to the soul of Ramona.

Next, it's off to Kelly's house, where she is gossiping to her assistant/BFF (she and Bethenny really do have a lot in common) about her Playboy interview. She says that she wound up deciding not to go on a date with him, since she doesn't want to mix business with pleasure. Next, she gets an e-mail from Jill that's like "Hey doodoo head. I hear you are being nice to that fartbreath Bethenny. Pick! Me or her! You're a jerkface!" Kelly interviews that Jill is being irrational and immature. When Kelly fucking Bensimon thinks you're being childish, you have a problem.

Speaking of Jill, next we head off to her house! LuAnn comes over, this time bearing a gift for Jill: a pimp cup. Seriously, she gave her a gigantic goblet with "Go Big or Go Home" written on it, apparently because that's Jill's motto? LuAnn finds the whole thing hilarious, and is laughing so hard she's in tears. She says she saw it in a store window and just thought it was too funny. Can you picture that? LuAnn walking down the street and then seeing the pimp cup in the window of some convenience store and just fucking losing it, and being like "That is PERFECT for Jill." Oh man, what I would have given to see that.

However, the laughter soon comes to an abrupt end when Bethenny calls Jill to talk things over. Jill shadily puts Bethenny on speakerphone without telling her that LuAnn is in the room. Bethenny says she wants to talk about what happened, but Jill isn't having it and completely goes off the wire, saying that Bethenny doesn't care about her and is ingrateful and ignored Bobby when he had cancer. Bethenny says she had no idea that Bobby was that sick, and that she sent flowers and e-mailed. Plus, she has a hard time believing that if Bobby was that sick Jill would be going to all the parties and places she went this summer. This causes Jill to go completely apeshit and she yells "YOU KNOW WHAT BETHENNY?! WE ARE DONE!" and hangs up. Bethenny, clearly upset by this, starts crying.

And that was the show! Whew! What a tense end! Is it just me or was Jill completely out of control this week. Like, Fatal Attraction bunny boiler territory. She seems pathological in her desire to weasel her way into every aspect of her friends lives to an unhealthy level. In that respect, she's actually more like Single White Female than Fatal Attraction. Fatal White Female, let's call it.

So yeah, like I said, what a doozie! This season is really serving it up. Next week looks like mainly a post-mortem episode about the fight, but hopefull there'll be more salacious shit too. Until next week!