This week’s episode opens on Lisa and Nene visiting “fab’rik” to go shopping for their trip to Los Angeles. What the hell is with the names of clothes stores in ATL, by the way? Fab’rik? Blue Genes? It's like someone issued a memo that every store in the city needs to have some half-baked play on words as it's title.
The ladies are very excited about visiting LA. Lisa because she’s visiting her family, NeNe because she gets to meet Lisa’s “granmama” and see her Asian side, since apparently biracial families are like giant squid to her. She’s heard tell of them, but never seen one alive.
NeNe wants to buy a gift for granmama. She suggests something sporty, Lisa reminds her that her grandmother is 93 and isn’t doing much sporting, unless by sporting she means shuffleboard and pooping herself. NeNe picks out some gold hoops so Granny Wu can let her hood side shine.
The girls try on clothes and coo “cuuuuuuute” at each other, having a grand old time until Lisa suddenly drops a big downerbomb by bringing up her recently departed brother Meho. Lisa’s relatives want her to visit his gravesite while she is in LA, but she’s not sure she wants to bring up those emotions. NeNe says she’s never been to her mother’s grave either because it’s scary. However, she assures Lisa that she’ll go with her for support.
Accross Atlanta Kandi is in the studio recording her new track. The song is about flying above all the haters, a very cutting edge topic in music which has never been done before. As promised from last week, Kim arrives with daughter Ariana in tow. The two women squeal at each other and hug. Kim’s squeal actually sounds more like the shriek of a falcon after it’s smoked 2 packs of Misty 120’s than that of a human being, but you know, potato potahto.
Kim confesses that this is the first time she’s been back in the studio since last season’s Tightrope debacle, which we get to painfully revisit via flashback. Thanks Bravo.
After everyone’s eardrums stop bleeding, Kandi and the Cigarette Falcon sit down for a chitchat. The two discover that their birthdays are OMG 2 days apart, making them both Tauruses (Tauri?), though I like to think Kim is a Ford Taurus, not the celestial bull. Either way, both women agree that they’re a lot alike, and marvel at the kismet that caused their two paths to converge.
Kandi reveals that she and Kim’s conversation at the King Tut traveling exhibit/mall tour inspired her to write her anti-hater anthem. See, Kim had told her that she had a lot of haters, and Ms. Buruss could relate since she too has a great deal of said haters. She sings the song for Kim, who is floored that she could inspire someone to write such a magnificent song after one meeting. Is there a female version of a bromance? Vagmance? Friendgina?
Kim brings up wanting to record with her new friendgina. Specifically, “Don’t be Tardy for the Party,” last season’s breakaway hit (which is now a full fledged music sensation). Kim tells Kandi that she’d love to record the song, and maybe have NeNe rap a verse as well. Kandi asks Kim to demo the song for her but Kim declines to preserve her beautiful whiskyvoice for later use. She says she’ll get back to her with a copy.
Meanwhile, NeNe meets with noted Atlanta photographer Derek Blanks to discuss doing an alter ego photoshoot, which are apparently all the rage in the ATL. An alter ego shoot, for all you N00Bz out there, is when a person photographs as two polar opposite characters and the two are edited together through the magic of Photoshop.
Derek asks if the rest of the housewives will be participating. NeNe, sensing an opportunity to command the other ladies like a blacker, more fabulous Mussolini, agrees to this immediately. The two brainstorm potential egos for everyone. Lisa’s will be the traditional good girl/bad girl, since NeNe senses she has a wild side. For Kim, right now NeNe is thinking fashiony slut and country singer. For herself, NeNe seductively tells us she is a housewife, but also a stripper, so that will be her shoot. So anway, that’s something to look forward to for next week!
NeNe heads over to the nail salon wearing gigantic sunglasses to meet Kim for a buff’n’bitch. Kim tells her to take them damn sunglasses off, but NeNe refuses since she’s just had a chemical peel so what lies beneath ain’t pretty.
NeNe lets Kim know about the alter ego shoot. NeNe has opted not to do the Whore/Cowboy juxtaposition for Kim. Instead, she’ll be doing blackface. Yes, Kim Zolciak will be doing blackface. God is good. Kim is a little uncomfortable with this, but NeNe tells her that she is a black girl in a white girl’s body so she’ll take to it like a duck to water. She’s even picked out a black name for her! Kim decides to roll with it, because hey, face time.
The conversation moves on to NeNe’s trip with Lisa, to which Kim gives an eye roll so big it’s basically a hair whip. NeNe says that she’s excited to see Lisa’s mysterious and strange Asian side and celebrate granmama’s 93rd birthday. Kim’s head explodes at the prospect of Lisa also living into her nineties. She picks up the pieces of her exploded head, puts them back together, and insincerely wishes NeNe a good trip.
LOS ANGELES TIME! NeNe and Lisa roll through Beverly Hills in a convertible. Lisa talks about how good it feels to be home and asks NeNe if she’s ready to meet her Asian side. NeNe says that she’s got a pair of chopsticks in her purse, so she’s good to go.
The girls roll up to their fancy digs at the Chamberlain Hotel, where NeNe requires assistance getting out of the car since her heels are to high and/or she’s too drunk off airplane booze to get out herself. On their way up to their room, the girls are accosted by a tipsy pocket gay who asks them for nail clippers (which is beyond weird). The ladies decline his creepy request but do invite him to margaritas on the roof at a later date. NeNe interviews that she is a gay magnet, so it’s not really a surprise that he would come up to them. I’d like to qualify that and say NeNe is a freakish gay magnet, since the only ones she seems to attract are walking Saw mask Dwight and this nail clipping fiend.
Back in Atlanta, Sheree is planning her upcoming fashion show over her usual cauldron of guacamole, which is apparently the only thing she ever eats. The show will be the an exlusive, invite-only ordeal. I swear, even these ladies fucking BM’s are exclusive invite-only affairs.
Like her Independence Party, the planning is being done gratis in exchange for publicity. Apparently learning nothing from that disaster, Sheree takes the free service and runs with it. She says it would be nice for Tiffany’s to furnish her jewelry for the party and to arrive in a Maybach. She would also like the power to control the weather, eternal youth, and a vagina that births solid gold babies. They had better not disappoint her.
3,000 miles away Lisa and NeNe go shopping on Rodeo Drive. NeNe comments that she feels uncomfortable since everyone there looks rich and clean, like they don’t need a bath. Apparently NeNe usually goes dumpster diving with hobos to get her fashions.
The ladies lunch, and NeNe weirdly calls everyone “dahling” and complains about people in LA being phony. She stops mid-sentence to shout that the wine they ordered is “some bullshit wine” and tells the waitress to bring them a couple of “Miss Thangs” instead. When the waitress is all “What the fuck is that?” NeNe says that it’s a margarita with some OJ. See! Bethenny Frankel isn’t the only housewife who can trademark a cocktail. Take your SkinnyGirl empire and shove it up your well-toned ass.
The Miss Thangs arrive and conversation moves on to Kim. Lisa is still upset that Kim has been telling everyone she is a crackwhore but would still like to have a sit-down with her. However, she can’t guarantee she won’t try to rip off her wig in the process. Sorry Lisa, Sheree beat you to it! You can rip off her merkin instead.
After lunch the ladies head to Inglewood for a visit with Lisa’s parents. Ever tactful, NeNe marvels out loud about how small and different the elderly couple look. After introductions, they have a very deep and serious chat about the complexities of being an interracial couple in predominantly black Inglewood that feels really out of place in this campy and ridiculous program.
Back in the ATL, Sheree is holding model castings for her upcoming fashion show. She says she’s looking for Kate Moss/ Naomi Campbell types. In Atlanta. With her budget. Good luck.
The event coordinator serves up a big pile of modelfail. Don’t get me wrong, Sheree is a diva monster, but even I can agree that these models are HORRIBLE. One girl even elicits an audible “aw hell no” from Ms. Whitfield. Needless to say, the ball is dropped, and Sheree demands that things turn up in the future.
Over in LA, it’s party time! Lisa and NeNe roll up to granmama’s retirement home for the birthday party. NeNe is shocked at the number of Asians at the party. Apparently, she didn't realize that when someone is half Asian that means that half of their family is Asian. NeNe very appropriately and politically correctly asks Lisa if she can speak “that language.”
Next, it’s time to meet Granmama! She’s barely lucid but has fabulous skin, which Lisa attributes to smearing Vaseline on her face daily. Here I thought that was just for hood chicks who were about to beat a bitch’s ass, but it’s also for tiny Chinese grandmothers who want to turn back the clock. Learning!
As the party draws to a close, NeNe pulls Lisa aside and breaks the news to her that she won’t be going to Meho’s grave. She just doesn’t feel comfortable, which is understandable since she’d never met the guy.
Across the nation, Kim and Kandi get lunch at a Claim Jumper knockoff called “Stony River.” Kandi orders something non-alcoholic and Kim orders a bottle of wine to her dome. The waiter begins to pour a taste for Kim but she yells that she doesn’t want any of that fancy shit and tells him to just pour pour pour pour pour. What a class act.
Kim proceeds to get hammered. After chucking a copy of “Don’t be Tardy For the Party” at Kandi’s head, Kim starts slurrily talking shit about the other ladies while Kandi mainly stays quiet and makes uncomfortable faces. When the topic moves to Lisa, Kim does another muppetesque full-body eye roll and mumbles about three dollar bills before vomiting all over the table and passing out in her steak’n’shrimp.
It’s serious time in Los Angeles as Lisa and her relatives visit Meho’s grave, which is sad. Everyone talks at the grave at once, saying how they miss him and there’s nobody who will replace him. Things start to get weird when Lisa’s brother Andre pulls out a flask and pours it over the grave rap video style. Lisa is less than pleased.
After the day’s emotional events, Lisa and NeNe decompress on the rooftop of their hotel. They agree that coming from rags to riches is great, but assure each other that they’re still real. Unlike Kim, who is a tickety tack trailer park mess.
Then, just as you thought the episode was drawing to a close, Clippers the Gay Leprechaun arrives on the scene, and everybody shrieks at each other. The three scream back and forth and make jokes about him fucking Lisa’s husband. He tells her that he has something she doesn’t have. In case we didn’t get his joke, he hammers the punch line into our heads, saying that sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don’t. The three release their banshee wails at eachother while we all collectively barf all over ourselves.
Coming up next week is NeNe’s alter ego photoshoot. This means we have lots of pictures of the ladies in whore clothes and Kim in blackface to look forward to. I for one cannot wait.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
True Blood Recap: Sookie takes charge and discovers a giant demon egg.
The penultimate episode of season two opens on Vampire Queen Sophie-Anne feeding on the thighs of Sookie’s cousin Hadley. Those Stackhouses certainly love reckless behavior. Bill makes an “ahem” noise, and tells the queen that he needs help with his Maenad problem. She says she can help him out, but first he’s gotta chill for a while.
Back in Bon Temps, Hoyt is mighty mad at Jessica for biting his momma. Jessica says that she did it because of the nasty things she was saying about Hoyt, but Hoyt tells her that she’s his momma, so she’s allowed to. She realizes that maybe she effed up and starts to apologize, but Hoyt gathers up his batshit zombie-eyed mom and goes home in a huff.
Over at Lafayette’s, he, Sookie, and Lettie Mae are trying to keep a lid on Tara’s crazy. Even though they got rid of her zombie googly eyes, Tara is still dickmatized by Eggs, and is demanding that everyone let her go so she can save him. She also says a bunch of really mean things to all of them. Not entirely the best strategy to get released, in my opinion.
All three tell Tara she crazy, and they’re not going to let her go back to the Maenad orgy den. Lafayette pulls out a pair of fur handcuffs from his pocket and locks Tara to the coffee table to further prove this point. After hearing bacchanalia cries off in the distance, Lafayette grabs a rifle and heads to the porch to keep watch.
Over at Merlotte’s, after Sam finishes schooling Jason and Andy on Shapeshifter 101 they argue about how to solve a problem like Maryann. Jason and Andy want to go raid the police station and enact some country justice on her, but Sam tells them their plan is futile, since Maryann can’t be killed. Sam fails to convince them, and the two head for the sheriff’s station.
Back on his porch, Lafayette and Sookie have a heart to heart about their shared nasty blood-drinking induced sex dreams about Eric. Both find them very disturbing, since they are decidedly anti-Eric. His Viking vampire sex blood is just too powerful.
Lettie Mae bursts outside, sobbing and praying as always. She begs Lafayette and Sookie to take over Tara watch for her, since she’s getting really nasty and Lettie Mae simply can’t take it any more. After assuring Lafayette that she knows her way around a rifle from all the times she used to shoot cats for doing their business in her front yard (not joking), he hands her the gun. Which she immediately turns on them! Deception! See, Tara convinced Lettie Mae to help her escape, telling her she’ll forgive her for everything if she just lets her go. Since she’s so desperate for Tara’s love, Lettie Mae agrees, allowing Tara to steal Sookie’s car and hightail it to Maenad Manor.
Over at the sheriff’s station, Jason distracts the sexed up receptionist while Andy raids the gun cabinet. However, he’s interrupted mid-raid by a pantsless Sheriff Dearborn, wildly firing his gun in the air and square dancing all over the room. After indulging him in a dance for a hot minute, Andy wrestles the gun out of the sheriff’s hands, prompting the little man run off giggling into the dark.
At his house, Lafayette is having a PTSD freakout from having a gun pointed at him and hallucinates seeing Eric in the place of Lettie Mae, paisley dress and all. Needless to say, it’s REEEALLLLYYY weird. Sookie tells him to sack up and then launches a carved wood ashtray at Lettie Mae’s head. The two grab her gun and go after Tara in Lafayette’s fabuloisitymobile.
Meanwhile, Tara arrives at the Stackhouse home-cum-freak show to rescue Eggs. Her attempted prison break is interrupted when Maryann suddenly appears. Tara is all “you’re evil! We’re leaving!” and then Maryann is all “but you’re the one who summoned me” and then Tara’s all “whaaaa?” Apparently, that vision of herself as a little girl Tara saw during her “exorcism” was Maryann. Even though Miss Jeanette was a fake, the chanting and magic she was using was real. Or at least real enough to summon a hedonistic Greek sex freak like Maryann. If only she had known, Miss Jeanette could have partnered with Hustler and made a KILLING. Such a missed opportunity!
Maryann starts vibrating all over the place, but Tara says that shit doesn’t work on her anymore. However, apparently punches in the face do, as Maryann makes Tara revert to her former obsidian-eyed self by doing just that. She and Eggs giggle and run upstairs to bone.
The freakish townspeople burst into the house, excited to tell Maryann the good news about the god coming and smiting Sam. Maryann is pissed at how dumb everyone is, and makes a high pitched squeaking sound out of a mystery orifice to punish everyone. After they all flee in terror, she goes off in a huff to solve the problem herself.
On to the Fortenberry household, where Maxine is making what appears to be a potato chip cheese hot sauce snickers bar casserole for the God Who Comes. Apparently Dionysus is a huge stoner. Seriously, is it wrong that it looked kinda good? Hoyt tries to talk her down, but she counters his kindness with her usual assholity. She tells Hoyt he’s always prevented her from doing the things she wanted to do. She also lets him know that she thought his daddy was probably gay, and that she lied when she told him he died protecting the family from a robber. Apparently Hoyt’s dad actually shot himself. She goes on making her Cheech and Chong special while Hoyt cries naked in the shower while cutting himself (not really).
During an apparent lull in being hounded by zombie sex perverts, Sam heads over to Fangtasia to ask Eric for help. After being a total condescending dick, Eric agrees to help since he figures it’ll win him brownie points with Sookie. Eric bids everyone adieu and then shoots into the sky like a rocket. Apparently vampires can travel by ass cannon.
Back at Sophie-Anne’s casa de crazy, Bill is forced to drink the blood of a Latvian twink who offers to make the sex with him if he’d like. Bill politely refuses. Bill, Sophie-Anne, Mr. Gay Latvia 2009, and Sookie’s cousin Hadley move on to a game of Yahtzee. Bill reminds the Queen that he really must be leaving, after which she FINALLY gives him the information he came for.
She says that what Maryann really wants is for the God Who Comes to actually come and eat her alive, and not in the sexy-times way. The immortal Maenad actually wants to die. Ironic, huh? So, the only way for her to die is to get the god to actually come so she’ll let herself be killed. This seems easier said than done to me. The next episode has some serious ‘splainin to do.
Sophie-Anne gets word Eric has arrived, so Bill makes his exit. On the way out, the vampire frenemies flex at eachother and argue about who is more awesome. Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie or he’ll snitch to the Queen about his V side business. Well played, Mr. Compton.
Sookie and Lafayette arrive at the Stackhouse home and get ambushed by Terry and Arlene, who demand a hundred jillion gazillion dollars as a toll. Unable to pay, Lafayette offers them some ecstasy instead. Arlene is hesitant at first, since drugs are bad and just say no and stuff, but changes her mind when Terry tells her it makes sexytimes better. Lafayette distracts them by throwing out the E like chickenfeed while Sookie runs into the house.
While that’s going on, Andy and Jason arrive at the scene in Jason’s truck. Jason wonders whether Sam ever made it with a lady dog while he was in canine form. He then asks why Andy hates him. Andy tells him it’s because he thinks Jason has everything. After Jason reminds him that his parents are dead and his grandmother was murdered by his best friend, Andy realizes that both their lives are pretty shitty and the two make up.
On the other side of the house, Lafayette runs into Maryann and Karl while standing guard. He shoots her, but homegirl deflects the bullet off of her Kevlar Minotaur hands into Karl’s head, killing him. Maryann’s a little bummed, but then remembers Lafayette can also cook. Uh oh.
Inside the house, the Bon Tempians are cutting off their fingers and playing with intestines. Sookie gets near-raped by Mike Spencer in the exact same spot where her Gran died (creepy), but she gets out of it by bopping him on the head with a frying pan.
She heads upstairs to her room to find Tara and Eggs smashing all her cute crystal tchotchkes. She starts yelling at them, but then notices that there is a gross nest with a gigantic demon egg in the middle of her bed. Guys, she has sex there! So rude. She turns around to run, but is stopped by newly bezombied Lafayette. Sookie screams aaaaaaaaand- CREDITS! Waa waaaaaaa.
Seriously though, these weekly cliffhangers are getting mighty tiresome. See you again in TWO GODDAMNED WEEKS when all this is hopefully resolved in the season finale.
Back in Bon Temps, Hoyt is mighty mad at Jessica for biting his momma. Jessica says that she did it because of the nasty things she was saying about Hoyt, but Hoyt tells her that she’s his momma, so she’s allowed to. She realizes that maybe she effed up and starts to apologize, but Hoyt gathers up his batshit zombie-eyed mom and goes home in a huff.
Over at Lafayette’s, he, Sookie, and Lettie Mae are trying to keep a lid on Tara’s crazy. Even though they got rid of her zombie googly eyes, Tara is still dickmatized by Eggs, and is demanding that everyone let her go so she can save him. She also says a bunch of really mean things to all of them. Not entirely the best strategy to get released, in my opinion.
All three tell Tara she crazy, and they’re not going to let her go back to the Maenad orgy den. Lafayette pulls out a pair of fur handcuffs from his pocket and locks Tara to the coffee table to further prove this point. After hearing bacchanalia cries off in the distance, Lafayette grabs a rifle and heads to the porch to keep watch.
Over at Merlotte’s, after Sam finishes schooling Jason and Andy on Shapeshifter 101 they argue about how to solve a problem like Maryann. Jason and Andy want to go raid the police station and enact some country justice on her, but Sam tells them their plan is futile, since Maryann can’t be killed. Sam fails to convince them, and the two head for the sheriff’s station.
Back on his porch, Lafayette and Sookie have a heart to heart about their shared nasty blood-drinking induced sex dreams about Eric. Both find them very disturbing, since they are decidedly anti-Eric. His Viking vampire sex blood is just too powerful.
Lettie Mae bursts outside, sobbing and praying as always. She begs Lafayette and Sookie to take over Tara watch for her, since she’s getting really nasty and Lettie Mae simply can’t take it any more. After assuring Lafayette that she knows her way around a rifle from all the times she used to shoot cats for doing their business in her front yard (not joking), he hands her the gun. Which she immediately turns on them! Deception! See, Tara convinced Lettie Mae to help her escape, telling her she’ll forgive her for everything if she just lets her go. Since she’s so desperate for Tara’s love, Lettie Mae agrees, allowing Tara to steal Sookie’s car and hightail it to Maenad Manor.
Over at the sheriff’s station, Jason distracts the sexed up receptionist while Andy raids the gun cabinet. However, he’s interrupted mid-raid by a pantsless Sheriff Dearborn, wildly firing his gun in the air and square dancing all over the room. After indulging him in a dance for a hot minute, Andy wrestles the gun out of the sheriff’s hands, prompting the little man run off giggling into the dark.
At his house, Lafayette is having a PTSD freakout from having a gun pointed at him and hallucinates seeing Eric in the place of Lettie Mae, paisley dress and all. Needless to say, it’s REEEALLLLYYY weird. Sookie tells him to sack up and then launches a carved wood ashtray at Lettie Mae’s head. The two grab her gun and go after Tara in Lafayette’s fabuloisitymobile.
Meanwhile, Tara arrives at the Stackhouse home-cum-freak show to rescue Eggs. Her attempted prison break is interrupted when Maryann suddenly appears. Tara is all “you’re evil! We’re leaving!” and then Maryann is all “but you’re the one who summoned me” and then Tara’s all “whaaaa?” Apparently, that vision of herself as a little girl Tara saw during her “exorcism” was Maryann. Even though Miss Jeanette was a fake, the chanting and magic she was using was real. Or at least real enough to summon a hedonistic Greek sex freak like Maryann. If only she had known, Miss Jeanette could have partnered with Hustler and made a KILLING. Such a missed opportunity!
Maryann starts vibrating all over the place, but Tara says that shit doesn’t work on her anymore. However, apparently punches in the face do, as Maryann makes Tara revert to her former obsidian-eyed self by doing just that. She and Eggs giggle and run upstairs to bone.
The freakish townspeople burst into the house, excited to tell Maryann the good news about the god coming and smiting Sam. Maryann is pissed at how dumb everyone is, and makes a high pitched squeaking sound out of a mystery orifice to punish everyone. After they all flee in terror, she goes off in a huff to solve the problem herself.
On to the Fortenberry household, where Maxine is making what appears to be a potato chip cheese hot sauce snickers bar casserole for the God Who Comes. Apparently Dionysus is a huge stoner. Seriously, is it wrong that it looked kinda good? Hoyt tries to talk her down, but she counters his kindness with her usual assholity. She tells Hoyt he’s always prevented her from doing the things she wanted to do. She also lets him know that she thought his daddy was probably gay, and that she lied when she told him he died protecting the family from a robber. Apparently Hoyt’s dad actually shot himself. She goes on making her Cheech and Chong special while Hoyt cries naked in the shower while cutting himself (not really).
During an apparent lull in being hounded by zombie sex perverts, Sam heads over to Fangtasia to ask Eric for help. After being a total condescending dick, Eric agrees to help since he figures it’ll win him brownie points with Sookie. Eric bids everyone adieu and then shoots into the sky like a rocket. Apparently vampires can travel by ass cannon.
Back at Sophie-Anne’s casa de crazy, Bill is forced to drink the blood of a Latvian twink who offers to make the sex with him if he’d like. Bill politely refuses. Bill, Sophie-Anne, Mr. Gay Latvia 2009, and Sookie’s cousin Hadley move on to a game of Yahtzee. Bill reminds the Queen that he really must be leaving, after which she FINALLY gives him the information he came for.
She says that what Maryann really wants is for the God Who Comes to actually come and eat her alive, and not in the sexy-times way. The immortal Maenad actually wants to die. Ironic, huh? So, the only way for her to die is to get the god to actually come so she’ll let herself be killed. This seems easier said than done to me. The next episode has some serious ‘splainin to do.
Sophie-Anne gets word Eric has arrived, so Bill makes his exit. On the way out, the vampire frenemies flex at eachother and argue about who is more awesome. Bill warns Eric to stay away from Sookie or he’ll snitch to the Queen about his V side business. Well played, Mr. Compton.
Sookie and Lafayette arrive at the Stackhouse home and get ambushed by Terry and Arlene, who demand a hundred jillion gazillion dollars as a toll. Unable to pay, Lafayette offers them some ecstasy instead. Arlene is hesitant at first, since drugs are bad and just say no and stuff, but changes her mind when Terry tells her it makes sexytimes better. Lafayette distracts them by throwing out the E like chickenfeed while Sookie runs into the house.
While that’s going on, Andy and Jason arrive at the scene in Jason’s truck. Jason wonders whether Sam ever made it with a lady dog while he was in canine form. He then asks why Andy hates him. Andy tells him it’s because he thinks Jason has everything. After Jason reminds him that his parents are dead and his grandmother was murdered by his best friend, Andy realizes that both their lives are pretty shitty and the two make up.
On the other side of the house, Lafayette runs into Maryann and Karl while standing guard. He shoots her, but homegirl deflects the bullet off of her Kevlar Minotaur hands into Karl’s head, killing him. Maryann’s a little bummed, but then remembers Lafayette can also cook. Uh oh.
Inside the house, the Bon Tempians are cutting off their fingers and playing with intestines. Sookie gets near-raped by Mike Spencer in the exact same spot where her Gran died (creepy), but she gets out of it by bopping him on the head with a frying pan.
She heads upstairs to her room to find Tara and Eggs smashing all her cute crystal tchotchkes. She starts yelling at them, but then notices that there is a gross nest with a gigantic demon egg in the middle of her bed. Guys, she has sex there! So rude. She turns around to run, but is stopped by newly bezombied Lafayette. Sookie screams aaaaaaaaand- CREDITS! Waa waaaaaaa.
Seriously though, these weekly cliffhangers are getting mighty tiresome. See you again in TWO GODDAMNED WEEKS when all this is hopefully resolved in the season finale.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Rachel Zoe Recap: Annie shuts that shit down.
Rachel Zoe returns and we go BA-NANAS.
The second season opener begins in media res as Rachel stresses over an offending puddle of camouflage tulle on the floor. Through editing we’re filled in on the events that have transpired since we last saw the Zoe Camp. Since last year, the mantid fashionista moved her business into a suspiciously recession-sized smaller “loft,” and she and her foppish dandy of a husband into a similarly in-this-economy-sized apartment. So long fabulous WeHo hills house! Associates Brad and Taylor are also no longer fighting like cats in an LV tote, and are now the best of friends. For now.
After our quick refresher, the episode commences in earnest. It’s Golden Globes season, which means the Zoe Camp is going ba-nanas. Taylor angrily over enunciates to the camera about how many hats she wears and how she’s the one who makes sure things get done, while Brad puts on a sparkly fairy dress and imitates Rachel. Both are highly important tasks.
Rachel calls for a team meeting in the fetid Zoe shanty. She lets Brad and Taylor know that in order to free up space during awards season they’ll have to move their desks to the loft area with leper assistant Marisa. Both let out long-winded whines that essentially boil down to “But I don’t wannaaaaa!” After much bellyaching, Rachel informs them that she has become a “bizznatch” this week, and they will in fact be moving upstairs with Typhoid Marisa. No offense.
Back to the Globes! This year Rachel will be styling Debra Messing, Demi Moore, Anne Hathaway, Eva Mendez, and Cameron Diaz. Or, as Rachel refers to them, Deb, Demi, Annie, Eva, and Cam.
Now that the clients are set, it’s time for a dress selection montage. All the samples they’ve been given are “snoozaroo,” Eva’s Dior dress was sent to Chanel (!), and Debra’s is M.I.A!
We learn that things this year are bad. Apparently in this economy designers will not overnight FedEx couture ball gowns halfway across the world without a guarantee they’ll be worn. And you thought the auto industry had it bad. But the Zoe Camp will press on! Award shows are about pleasing the masses and they must do their civic duty!
Rachel tells us about a pink Chanel couture gown she saw in Paris which she absolutely died for. Everyone agrees it’ll be perfect for Cameron, and Rach thinks she can get it. However, she’s worried that the American public can’t comprehend that there is a sleeve on the dress, which means she’ll have to ask Karl Lagerfeld for alterations. Scary!
Meanwhile, Brad and Taylor are still upset about being put in the loft, so they decide to play a hilarious prank on Rachel wherein they move their desks back downstairs. Rachel returns and is predictably annoyed. Taylor whines that it’s too hot up in the loft and that they don’t want to be up there with stinky disease ridden slob Marisa. Marisa is nonplussed by this statement.
We’re then reminded for the hundredth time that it’s Golden Globes week and Rachel needs gowns, in case we all forgot. Thankfully a new shipment has arrived. Rachel says that if she doesn’t see the white of Eva’s dress pop out of one of the garment bags, she will literally jump out the window. The dress is pink. Rachel goes barreling towards the window and leaps through the glass, a whirling dervish of extensions and baubles. Thankfully, she survives the fall and resumes command of Team Zoe.
Brad remarks that gowns and accessories are to Rachel the way medicine and surgical tools are to a doctor. So in a way, Rachel is just like a surgeon, if not more important, because scalpels are ugly and beading is pretty.
On to Anne Hathaway: Rachel settles on a blue Armani Prive creation. She summons clothes hanger/intern Jordan to try the dress on, since Taylor’s breasts are too huge to squeeze into the Lilliputian gown. Taylor sneers. Brad says that trying on fancy ball gowns is the dream of every girl, as well as some boys (read: him). Rachel decides that this dress is in the one, since there’s never been a “big navy moment” on the red carpet, so Anne will shut it down. Except Debra will also be wearing navy. So never mind.
Back at her pity party of one, Taylor complains that her career with Rachel is at a standstill. You see, when she started she was promised growth potential, and now three years later she is still doing the same job. I smell a plot arc!
Back at the studio, word has come from Paris! Karl Lagerfeld has descended from his black and white death palace to proclaim that he will remove the sleeves. Now the American public will be able to wrap their puny minds around his couture creation. Everyone lauds Rachel for her balls and moxie. But! Chanel says that they don’t know when they will be able to deliver the dress. Rachel worries that it won’t arrive in time for the awards and her prestigious name will be dragged through the mud. Brad counters by doing a non-sequitor impression of Taylor. Touché.
Later, Taylor rides in holding the missing Dior gown for Eva, and everyone proclaims that she is a rock star. Then everyone calls her fat.
OMG one day left to the Globes! Time to start putting together the full looks. Brad and Rachel go skipping to Rodeo Drive for jewelry while Taylor shuffles off to buy shoes.
Rachel tells us that Debra’s outfit cries out for gigantic emeralds, Eva’s dress screams “I NEED TURQUOISE,” Annie will shine in diamonds, and Cameron aches for opals. Rachel is the gemstone whisperer.
At the loft, Cameron’s dress has arrived from Chanel! Everyone is exuberant, but will it fit? Yes, it will! The sleeve is gone, and America’s collective heads will no longer explode upon tuning in to the red carpet.
Now it’s time for the fittings, which unfortunately we don’t get to see as no A-list star in their right mind would allow a Bravo film crew in their homes, jerks. All go swimmingly, but as they head home Team Zoe gets a call that there is a black spot on Eva’s white dress! After everyone finishes shrieking and crying, Taylor is sent over to fix the dot, which turns out to be the size of a pencil tip rather than a black hole. Crisis averted! With the fire at Eva’s put out, Taylor grumpily pouts that she will go home, to hell with the team’s traditional red carpet viewing party.
Brad and Rachel soldier on to coo and squawk while they watch their creations strut down the carpet. “Demi is beyond!” “Deb is like a tall drink of water!” “Eva is a Rachel Zoe special!” “Annie is shutting it down!” Rachel remarks that for Cameron, she feels like she conceived, gestated, and birthed this look. Gross.
Everyone’s Blackberries are abuzz with kudos, but they are bittersweet since Taylor wasn’t there to enjoy their success with them. Rachel’s spirits are cheered slightly when a hand written note from Karl Lagerfeld himself arrives congratulating her. She commands Quasimarisa to frame the note and put it on her wall. She has graduated from the school of Chanel!
And so episode one ends on a high note. The previews promise lots more laughter, tears, fighting, Taylor scowls, and ball gowns. Lets hope they deliver.
The second season opener begins in media res as Rachel stresses over an offending puddle of camouflage tulle on the floor. Through editing we’re filled in on the events that have transpired since we last saw the Zoe Camp. Since last year, the mantid fashionista moved her business into a suspiciously recession-sized smaller “loft,” and she and her foppish dandy of a husband into a similarly in-this-economy-sized apartment. So long fabulous WeHo hills house! Associates Brad and Taylor are also no longer fighting like cats in an LV tote, and are now the best of friends. For now.
After our quick refresher, the episode commences in earnest. It’s Golden Globes season, which means the Zoe Camp is going ba-nanas. Taylor angrily over enunciates to the camera about how many hats she wears and how she’s the one who makes sure things get done, while Brad puts on a sparkly fairy dress and imitates Rachel. Both are highly important tasks.
Rachel calls for a team meeting in the fetid Zoe shanty. She lets Brad and Taylor know that in order to free up space during awards season they’ll have to move their desks to the loft area with leper assistant Marisa. Both let out long-winded whines that essentially boil down to “But I don’t wannaaaaa!” After much bellyaching, Rachel informs them that she has become a “bizznatch” this week, and they will in fact be moving upstairs with Typhoid Marisa. No offense.
Back to the Globes! This year Rachel will be styling Debra Messing, Demi Moore, Anne Hathaway, Eva Mendez, and Cameron Diaz. Or, as Rachel refers to them, Deb, Demi, Annie, Eva, and Cam.
Now that the clients are set, it’s time for a dress selection montage. All the samples they’ve been given are “snoozaroo,” Eva’s Dior dress was sent to Chanel (!), and Debra’s is M.I.A!
We learn that things this year are bad. Apparently in this economy designers will not overnight FedEx couture ball gowns halfway across the world without a guarantee they’ll be worn. And you thought the auto industry had it bad. But the Zoe Camp will press on! Award shows are about pleasing the masses and they must do their civic duty!
Rachel tells us about a pink Chanel couture gown she saw in Paris which she absolutely died for. Everyone agrees it’ll be perfect for Cameron, and Rach thinks she can get it. However, she’s worried that the American public can’t comprehend that there is a sleeve on the dress, which means she’ll have to ask Karl Lagerfeld for alterations. Scary!
Meanwhile, Brad and Taylor are still upset about being put in the loft, so they decide to play a hilarious prank on Rachel wherein they move their desks back downstairs. Rachel returns and is predictably annoyed. Taylor whines that it’s too hot up in the loft and that they don’t want to be up there with stinky disease ridden slob Marisa. Marisa is nonplussed by this statement.
We’re then reminded for the hundredth time that it’s Golden Globes week and Rachel needs gowns, in case we all forgot. Thankfully a new shipment has arrived. Rachel says that if she doesn’t see the white of Eva’s dress pop out of one of the garment bags, she will literally jump out the window. The dress is pink. Rachel goes barreling towards the window and leaps through the glass, a whirling dervish of extensions and baubles. Thankfully, she survives the fall and resumes command of Team Zoe.
Brad remarks that gowns and accessories are to Rachel the way medicine and surgical tools are to a doctor. So in a way, Rachel is just like a surgeon, if not more important, because scalpels are ugly and beading is pretty.
On to Anne Hathaway: Rachel settles on a blue Armani Prive creation. She summons clothes hanger/intern Jordan to try the dress on, since Taylor’s breasts are too huge to squeeze into the Lilliputian gown. Taylor sneers. Brad says that trying on fancy ball gowns is the dream of every girl, as well as some boys (read: him). Rachel decides that this dress is in the one, since there’s never been a “big navy moment” on the red carpet, so Anne will shut it down. Except Debra will also be wearing navy. So never mind.
Back at her pity party of one, Taylor complains that her career with Rachel is at a standstill. You see, when she started she was promised growth potential, and now three years later she is still doing the same job. I smell a plot arc!
Back at the studio, word has come from Paris! Karl Lagerfeld has descended from his black and white death palace to proclaim that he will remove the sleeves. Now the American public will be able to wrap their puny minds around his couture creation. Everyone lauds Rachel for her balls and moxie. But! Chanel says that they don’t know when they will be able to deliver the dress. Rachel worries that it won’t arrive in time for the awards and her prestigious name will be dragged through the mud. Brad counters by doing a non-sequitor impression of Taylor. Touché.
Later, Taylor rides in holding the missing Dior gown for Eva, and everyone proclaims that she is a rock star. Then everyone calls her fat.
OMG one day left to the Globes! Time to start putting together the full looks. Brad and Rachel go skipping to Rodeo Drive for jewelry while Taylor shuffles off to buy shoes.
Rachel tells us that Debra’s outfit cries out for gigantic emeralds, Eva’s dress screams “I NEED TURQUOISE,” Annie will shine in diamonds, and Cameron aches for opals. Rachel is the gemstone whisperer.
At the loft, Cameron’s dress has arrived from Chanel! Everyone is exuberant, but will it fit? Yes, it will! The sleeve is gone, and America’s collective heads will no longer explode upon tuning in to the red carpet.
Now it’s time for the fittings, which unfortunately we don’t get to see as no A-list star in their right mind would allow a Bravo film crew in their homes, jerks. All go swimmingly, but as they head home Team Zoe gets a call that there is a black spot on Eva’s white dress! After everyone finishes shrieking and crying, Taylor is sent over to fix the dot, which turns out to be the size of a pencil tip rather than a black hole. Crisis averted! With the fire at Eva’s put out, Taylor grumpily pouts that she will go home, to hell with the team’s traditional red carpet viewing party.
Brad and Rachel soldier on to coo and squawk while they watch their creations strut down the carpet. “Demi is beyond!” “Deb is like a tall drink of water!” “Eva is a Rachel Zoe special!” “Annie is shutting it down!” Rachel remarks that for Cameron, she feels like she conceived, gestated, and birthed this look. Gross.
Everyone’s Blackberries are abuzz with kudos, but they are bittersweet since Taylor wasn’t there to enjoy their success with them. Rachel’s spirits are cheered slightly when a hand written note from Karl Lagerfeld himself arrives congratulating her. She commands Quasimarisa to frame the note and put it on her wall. She has graduated from the school of Chanel!
And so episode one ends on a high note. The previews promise lots more laughter, tears, fighting, Taylor scowls, and ball gowns. Lets hope they deliver.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Plug!
Hey! Check out this Bourne Identity parody my brother and a couple of his friends made. Like what would happen if Bobby Flay had amnesia and was figuring out who he was. TO THE EXTREME.
Friday, May 22, 2009
The Island told me you should fuck Kate.
I have come across what may be the most amazing thing on YouTube I have ever seen. A guy who goes by the name KCSCougar has made a series of animated videos based on basically all the TV shows I love. Lost, Hills, Housewives. They're GREAT. Do yourself a favor an watch them ASAP.
Real Housewives of New York City Reunion
"COUNTESS!"
The Hills: Stephanie Prints Labels
"People's Revolution needs labels!"
Ode to the Millionaire Matchmaker
"Dude, that fits in your vagina?!"
And finally, LOST: John Locke is Bored.
"The island said to fuck her. No matter what."
So. Good. Check out his actual YouTube page too, theres more where these came from!
Real Housewives of New York City Reunion
"COUNTESS!"
The Hills: Stephanie Prints Labels
"People's Revolution needs labels!"
Ode to the Millionaire Matchmaker
"Dude, that fits in your vagina?!"
And finally, LOST: John Locke is Bored.
"The island said to fuck her. No matter what."
So. Good. Check out his actual YouTube page too, theres more where these came from!
Monday, May 18, 2009
On the Lost season finale.
SO HOW ABOUT THAT LOST SEASON FINALE?! In those two marathon hours we ran the gamut of human emotion: joy, sadness, fear, terror, rage, sleep (I had an early morning! so sue me), frustration, and GOD DAMN IT ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER I HAVE TO WAIT 9 MONTHS TO RESOLVE. All stages to acceptance of Lost's abusive boyfriend-eque role in our lives.
However, I've come to the decision that I liked the finale, although right after it ended I had a different opinion. Initially I felt like it was more of the same, with familiar plot deviced like introducing new riddles to replace old ones that had been solved, Kate irrationally making a decision based on Jack's irrational decisions, someone dying, and maddening cliffhangers.
BUT! After giving it about a week to marinate, I am now of a different opinion. Although it did have some familiar Lostian conventions, I think it did a good job of setting the stage for the (hopefully) revealing last season. For instance, we were introduced to Jacob, in all his blonde scruffy glory (is it just me or was he kinda dreamy?), as well as the passive contributions he apparently has been making throughout all the protagonists lives in order to get them to where they are today. Which when you think about it is kind of a "holy shit" moment. We also were introduced to Jacob's (possible) nemesis, whom some blogs are dubbing "Esau." It looks like Jacob has apparently been battling this Esau dude for a long, long, at-least-dating-back-to-the-black-rock's-arrival long, time. Is this battle the reason for all the shit going on up in this bitch?
Which reminds me, speaking of holy shit moments! We learned that "John Locke" this season wasn't in fact John Locke at all, but Esau taking the form of the fersure dead, cold as ice, dead as a doornail, forever dead, dead dead deadski real John Locke. So looks like Esau can take the form of dead peeps on the island, which would explain the "ghosts" of people like Yemi, Claire, Jack's dad, and others showing up to people throughout the series. Maybs Jacob and Esau are battling for control of the island by using the protags as pawns? Jacob's passive manipulation of events and Esau's making Ben stab Jacob would suggest that neither can actively change the course of events, but rather passively influence things. Which, as mentioned on the Jezebel recap, is supported by the reveal that the statue on the island is of the Egyptian crocodilehead god (wouldn't it be awesome if there was a chickenhead god?) Sobek. According to the allmighty Wikipedia, ol' croccyface is credited as "having a more distant role, nudging things along, rather than taking an active part" compared to other gods. So is Jacob's job to give the old nudgy-nudge to the events of time? So many new things to consider! And also, did Jacob really die when Ben stabbed him?
This stuff, along with other big reveals like Ilana knowing more than she lets on, and also the whole JULIET BEING ALIVE LONG ENOUGH TO BLOW UP THE FUCKING ISLAND THING are all set to make the next season a very good one, although it is one we have to wait a whole 9 goddamn months for ABC to birth out of it's snood. So I know it was frustrating to not have more of a release, but I can wait. And honestly, it's Lost. What did y'all expect? The whole thing is a 6 season long case of blueballs.
P.S. who else is sick of Kate? She stopped being a compelling character AGES ago. Homegirl needs to go ahead and get dead quick.
However, I've come to the decision that I liked the finale, although right after it ended I had a different opinion. Initially I felt like it was more of the same, with familiar plot deviced like introducing new riddles to replace old ones that had been solved, Kate irrationally making a decision based on Jack's irrational decisions, someone dying, and maddening cliffhangers.
BUT! After giving it about a week to marinate, I am now of a different opinion. Although it did have some familiar Lostian conventions, I think it did a good job of setting the stage for the (hopefully) revealing last season. For instance, we were introduced to Jacob, in all his blonde scruffy glory (is it just me or was he kinda dreamy?), as well as the passive contributions he apparently has been making throughout all the protagonists lives in order to get them to where they are today. Which when you think about it is kind of a "holy shit" moment. We also were introduced to Jacob's (possible) nemesis, whom some blogs are dubbing "Esau." It looks like Jacob has apparently been battling this Esau dude for a long, long, at-least-dating-back-to-the-black-rock's-arrival long, time. Is this battle the reason for all the shit going on up in this bitch?
Which reminds me, speaking of holy shit moments! We learned that "John Locke" this season wasn't in fact John Locke at all, but Esau taking the form of the fersure dead, cold as ice, dead as a doornail, forever dead, dead dead deadski real John Locke. So looks like Esau can take the form of dead peeps on the island, which would explain the "ghosts" of people like Yemi, Claire, Jack's dad, and others showing up to people throughout the series. Maybs Jacob and Esau are battling for control of the island by using the protags as pawns? Jacob's passive manipulation of events and Esau's making Ben stab Jacob would suggest that neither can actively change the course of events, but rather passively influence things. Which, as mentioned on the Jezebel recap, is supported by the reveal that the statue on the island is of the Egyptian crocodilehead god (wouldn't it be awesome if there was a chickenhead god?) Sobek. According to the allmighty Wikipedia, ol' croccyface is credited as "having a more distant role, nudging things along, rather than taking an active part" compared to other gods. So is Jacob's job to give the old nudgy-nudge to the events of time? So many new things to consider! And also, did Jacob really die when Ben stabbed him?
This stuff, along with other big reveals like Ilana knowing more than she lets on, and also the whole JULIET BEING ALIVE LONG ENOUGH TO BLOW UP THE FUCKING ISLAND THING are all set to make the next season a very good one, although it is one we have to wait a whole 9 goddamn months for ABC to birth out of it's snood. So I know it was frustrating to not have more of a release, but I can wait. And honestly, it's Lost. What did y'all expect? The whole thing is a 6 season long case of blueballs.
P.S. who else is sick of Kate? She stopped being a compelling character AGES ago. Homegirl needs to go ahead and get dead quick.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Defending the Housewives
I watch a lot of tv (which is hardly news). And as I've mentioned before, I watch a lot of reality TV in specific. As many of my fellow reality fans can surely relate to, this causes me to get a lot of shit. From pretty much everybody. Coworkers, friends, et cetera et cetera forevera forevera. For example:
INT: An apartment. NOAH walks in. He greets his FRIEND.
NOAH: Hey! Oh my God, did you SEE the Real Housewives of New York City reunion?
FRIEND:...no.
NOAH: It was so good! Kelly is such an idiot, am I right? And how AWESOME was it when LuAnn told Ramona she had crazy eyes.
FRIEND: I have no idea what you're saying to me right now. I honestly can't believe you watch that. It exists solely to make people dumber.
NOAH looks sad. Cut to scene of Noah in shower, crying and cutting.
END SCENE
Seriously though, why is there such a stigma attached to watching so-called "bottom of the barrel" programming? Why is my love of ladies acting terrible so much worse than someone watching CSI, Law and Order (any of them, take your pick), or god forbid fucking Two and a Half Men.
Why does everyone for some reason have to act like there is some sort of good/not good hierarchy they have to abide by? It's television. You sit on a couch and watch it, sometimes in your underpants. Sometimes you fart while you do it. Whether it's The Wire or Rock of Love IV: Dogsled, theres nothing inherently dignified about it. One shouldn't be defined as a person by television they watch, movies they see, or music they listen to. If you did then you would be me circa ages 12 to 17, which I can assure you is anything but cool. Not being embarrassed by liking what is "not cool" is part of growing up! It's the same reason your parents rave about how great "Monk" is, or why your Grandma can't stop wearing that sweatshirt with the cat's showing their assholes on it (you know which one I'm talking about). They love it, so they do it!
The main purpose of TV is to entertain, and at best leave you with something to think about afterwards. And I can assure you, one episode of Daisy of Love will leave you with 100 more things to think about than an episode of The Office or The Wire EVER will.
So lighten up, guys! It's TV! Just relax and enjoy it.
INT: An apartment. NOAH walks in. He greets his FRIEND.
NOAH: Hey! Oh my God, did you SEE the Real Housewives of New York City reunion?
FRIEND:...no.
NOAH: It was so good! Kelly is such an idiot, am I right? And how AWESOME was it when LuAnn told Ramona she had crazy eyes.
FRIEND: I have no idea what you're saying to me right now. I honestly can't believe you watch that. It exists solely to make people dumber.
NOAH looks sad. Cut to scene of Noah in shower, crying and cutting.
END SCENE
Seriously though, why is there such a stigma attached to watching so-called "bottom of the barrel" programming? Why is my love of ladies acting terrible so much worse than someone watching CSI, Law and Order (any of them, take your pick), or god forbid fucking Two and a Half Men.
Why does everyone for some reason have to act like there is some sort of good/not good hierarchy they have to abide by? It's television. You sit on a couch and watch it, sometimes in your underpants. Sometimes you fart while you do it. Whether it's The Wire or Rock of Love IV: Dogsled, theres nothing inherently dignified about it. One shouldn't be defined as a person by television they watch, movies they see, or music they listen to. If you did then you would be me circa ages 12 to 17, which I can assure you is anything but cool. Not being embarrassed by liking what is "not cool" is part of growing up! It's the same reason your parents rave about how great "Monk" is, or why your Grandma can't stop wearing that sweatshirt with the cat's showing their assholes on it (you know which one I'm talking about). They love it, so they do it!
The main purpose of TV is to entertain, and at best leave you with something to think about afterwards. And I can assure you, one episode of Daisy of Love will leave you with 100 more things to think about than an episode of The Office or The Wire EVER will.
So lighten up, guys! It's TV! Just relax and enjoy it.
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